Quick rant, peeps. First off, FUCK COMCAST! Right during the Boogie Bots performance the cable locked and it hasn’t come back on since! This is fucking bullshit! So now the Boogie Bots got eliminated and Fanny Pak is still around (As you know, I am not a fan but I won’t discount them by any means because someone out there likes them and more power to them) AND I MISSED SHANE RIP INTO THEM! Oh, and I heard Lil’ Mama was her old useless self but still. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! I’m getting satellite.
Secondly, I heard the reports on the message boards that the judges were very rude to the Boogie Bots about their performance and they have been heavy handed cockmongers about voting for who THEY like. You see, understand one thing right here and now Shane, JC and you worthless bitch Lil Mama: we have something called democracy when we vote. Put the vote clickers (Who stuff the ballot box electronically) and uber-fans aside, we chose WHO WE WANT as a crew on this show. It is AMERICA’S Best Dance Crew, not “Who The Judges Feel Is Exciting” Dance Crew. You pretty much fuck with the votes anyway because your choice in the bottom two isn’t nescessarily who the people voted for so you could be saving someone who America REALLY wanted to be off the show. Congratulation, you are the electoral fuckwit college of ABDC. Now all of you will be on my ass saying how I was all for Super Cr3w anyway and I shouldn’t care about what they said or did to the Boogie Bots but in the end, they are usurping democracy. On a really small scale but still.
Should the Boogie Bots have still been on the show over Supreme Soul? Fuck no, Supreme Soul as a dance crew is overall better. However, that isn’t how the people voted so kiss my balls, judges. Voting “right” means voting the way you WANT us to vote and then it isn’t a real fan-driven show, is it? In short, I am saying that this season has been the most force fed season ever. EVER. They are shoving Super Cr3w down our throats and guess what? When you force someone down the throats of people without letting them get to know them, you end up with a Randy Orton or The Rock had in the WWE where the fans turned on them because they are being told “You better like these people! We think they are great!” which is NOT TRUE VOTING. I am an adult and I know what I like. I don’t want my vote overturned by a crew of shadowy individuals. Wait….sounds like real government.
In the end, the Boogie Bots were inadequate against the remaining competition but if that’s who people liked, then that is that. I am watching the replay now and I want to see if the judges were as harsh as I heard but either way it isn’t their job to rip people because THEY don’t like them. Their job is to critique. God….they weren’t this shitty last year. As for voting right, weren’t they the ones that send home Distortion X over Fanny Pak? FUCK THE JUDGES. They have been (Oddly enough, except for JC Chasez) disrespectful and shown such gross favoritism that they almost turned me against some crews. Either way, I am out. Countdown will be up in a bit.
(WHOA....just heard what Lil' Mama and Shane Sparks said and um....it was right but at the same time. However, it's obvious who they like and don't so it is what it is.)
Chachi Out.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
ROad Rage: Making Me Want To Steal A Tank Since 2000.
What is up, peeps? First off, LONG ASS DAY as I keep forgetting just how far away Boulder is from reality. It explains all the damn hippies, know that much. Tomorrow is even WORSE and Friday I have to pick Griff and Alyse up from the airport at 8:30 IN THE MOTHER FUCKING MORINING because Griff neglected to tell me he let his wife get the tickets. You see, this is why women should never be allowed to do anything. Ever. You know, women are just like the A-bomb? Everyone is having a good time and they come and mess it up. But I digress.
So one thing I have noticed is that I am a HIGHLY aggressive driver. But that is only because we are filled with a bunch of pussyfooting assholes behind the wheel in about….70% of the cars on the road. I mean seriously there is no reason EVER when there is no snow, rain or dead bodies on the ground to go below the posted speed limit. NEVER EVER! What makes it worse is that I am racist for topical and social humor but whenever I have to pass someone for going 60 in a 75….it is an Asian, an old person, a woman, some fuckwit on their phone or an old Asian female fuckwit talking on the phone in which I just go fucking ballistic. I understand that there are different speeds at which people feel comfortable but if your ass can’t handle the speed limit then go simple and go easy…go fucking Greyhound. I should NOT have to stop from going 80mph to 65mph on the highway EVER if there is no one ahead of you. I should seriously be able to shoot out your fucking tires because if you can’t follow the simple flow of traffic (Since everyone probably already passed you up in rage but decided not to kill you) they you really have no service to society. Take your car and veer into a ravine because all you are doing is taking up gas for people that really know what the fuck they are doing behind a god damn wheel.
Oh, and while I am on the subject of driving: DO NOT STOP TO LOOK AT A FUCKING ACCIDENT. Seriously, there is no need for you to stare at a stalled car or a fender bender because all you are doing is holding up traffic. I swear, I-25 is three lanes. If they block off one and give you a full two miles of warning then there should be NO SLOWDOWN. Yet I was backed up from the Briargate exit. What the fuck? Then I get to the accident and people are LITERALLY BRAKING to look and then taking off as it magically turns back into three lanes. You see, these are the people that we could do without. A spiked turtle shell would fuck up their shit something proper:
So with that being said, since I cant beat the shit out of people on the road that deserve it, I am reposting my….
Chachi's Rules of the Mario Kart Road!
1. Ramps that can only be cleared by going the speed limit: Between those ramps? Pipe Monsters. The big ones, not those baby ones from the first three Marios. Swallow your car whole like Gina Lynn. Kids, don't look that up. Dudes, she's a champ. Check her out.
2. Randomly placed chain chomps: C'mon, that would kick ten parts of ass. And much like in the jungle and zombie movies, the slow one gets eaten.
3. Automatic Blue Turtle Shells to cars forced to slowdown more than 10mph within 3 seconds: The rewards those that want to win. I hate slowing down because the Stevie Nicks listening freak in front of me is cruising. This is the great equalizer.
4. Power Ups for Aggressive Driving: Like style points in Need For Speed, you get mushrooms, 'naner peels and turtle shells by offensive driving (passing, drifting, etc.). This rewards getting the hell out of my way. Also, you get power ups for hopping through corners. Griff taught me that trick, big ups.
5. Invincibilty Stars! When you get the star and hit a jump, it goes all Burnout style and you clear MEGA distance. I'm talking 20 miles. Also, when you hit a car while invincible, you get their power ups and gas. Those gas prices are creeping up again.
Those are just a few of what a Mario Kart world would offer us. We can only dream.
Well, I am out for now. There may not be a post tomorrow as I have to get up early and go to BED early because Griff is the worst friend ever. Fuck yo couch, nigga:
And I am out. Check out the archives, fool!
Chachi Out
So one thing I have noticed is that I am a HIGHLY aggressive driver. But that is only because we are filled with a bunch of pussyfooting assholes behind the wheel in about….70% of the cars on the road. I mean seriously there is no reason EVER when there is no snow, rain or dead bodies on the ground to go below the posted speed limit. NEVER EVER! What makes it worse is that I am racist for topical and social humor but whenever I have to pass someone for going 60 in a 75….it is an Asian, an old person, a woman, some fuckwit on their phone or an old Asian female fuckwit talking on the phone in which I just go fucking ballistic. I understand that there are different speeds at which people feel comfortable but if your ass can’t handle the speed limit then go simple and go easy…go fucking Greyhound. I should NOT have to stop from going 80mph to 65mph on the highway EVER if there is no one ahead of you. I should seriously be able to shoot out your fucking tires because if you can’t follow the simple flow of traffic (Since everyone probably already passed you up in rage but decided not to kill you) they you really have no service to society. Take your car and veer into a ravine because all you are doing is taking up gas for people that really know what the fuck they are doing behind a god damn wheel.
Oh, and while I am on the subject of driving: DO NOT STOP TO LOOK AT A FUCKING ACCIDENT. Seriously, there is no need for you to stare at a stalled car or a fender bender because all you are doing is holding up traffic. I swear, I-25 is three lanes. If they block off one and give you a full two miles of warning then there should be NO SLOWDOWN. Yet I was backed up from the Briargate exit. What the fuck? Then I get to the accident and people are LITERALLY BRAKING to look and then taking off as it magically turns back into three lanes. You see, these are the people that we could do without. A spiked turtle shell would fuck up their shit something proper:
So with that being said, since I cant beat the shit out of people on the road that deserve it, I am reposting my….
Chachi's Rules of the Mario Kart Road!
1. Ramps that can only be cleared by going the speed limit: Between those ramps? Pipe Monsters. The big ones, not those baby ones from the first three Marios. Swallow your car whole like Gina Lynn. Kids, don't look that up. Dudes, she's a champ. Check her out.
2. Randomly placed chain chomps: C'mon, that would kick ten parts of ass. And much like in the jungle and zombie movies, the slow one gets eaten.
3. Automatic Blue Turtle Shells to cars forced to slowdown more than 10mph within 3 seconds: The rewards those that want to win. I hate slowing down because the Stevie Nicks listening freak in front of me is cruising. This is the great equalizer.
4. Power Ups for Aggressive Driving: Like style points in Need For Speed, you get mushrooms, 'naner peels and turtle shells by offensive driving (passing, drifting, etc.). This rewards getting the hell out of my way. Also, you get power ups for hopping through corners. Griff taught me that trick, big ups.
5. Invincibilty Stars! When you get the star and hit a jump, it goes all Burnout style and you clear MEGA distance. I'm talking 20 miles. Also, when you hit a car while invincible, you get their power ups and gas. Those gas prices are creeping up again.
Those are just a few of what a Mario Kart world would offer us. We can only dream.
Well, I am out for now. There may not be a post tomorrow as I have to get up early and go to BED early because Griff is the worst friend ever. Fuck yo couch, nigga:
And I am out. Check out the archives, fool!
Chachi Out
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Handle With Care Part II: I Really Don't Give A Fuck Anymore.
What is up, peeps?! I am back once again for another blog update! You know I remember when I had that run of 26 straight posts from June thru July and I must say I was a lot happier then. Maybe doing this keeps me from losing my shit. So with that being said, there are some things on this blog that that I will admit I really was worried about posting on because it may offend people. Yes, sometimes I worry about offending the stupid. If you have been a reader at any point you know nothing is off limits for me and I will call bullshit on anything and everything that deserves it. From rape to sexual harassment to racism to chauvinism to pedophilia I do not back down when I have something to say and fuck the world if they can’t adjust. So with that being said, back in February of 2006, I had a post about Jason McElwain, the autistic high school basketball trainer that got a chance to play in the final minutes of a blowout basketball game and scored 20 points in three minutes and some change. Everyone talked about how it was such a great story that an autistic child got a chance to play in a high school game and even score. However, I looked at it logically and said that they put this kid in during an already won game and let him jack up shots like Allen Iverson on a Red Bull binge which is the epitome of unsportsmanlike conduct, never mind the fact he had an “ailment.” Yes, I put ailment in quotations. It was a great story but as usual people looked at it how they wanted to and discounted the point that it wasn’t fair to the other kids. I am sure they were fine with it because the little guy had autism and more power to him. However, has anyone ever asked the question…
JUST WHAT IS AUTISM?
You see, at the time my only dealing with Autism was in college as I knew a classmate whose daughter had autism and in one of my classes in which I was to be a teacher for the summer I asked to be paired with a student that I found out as I was working with him had autism as well. Long story short, “doctors” say autism is a brain disorder that makes it difficult is not impossible for some people to communicate with others. In essence, there are parts of the brain that don’t work together like Whites and Blacks and that causes problems in relating to other people so in most cases autistic children take solace in inanimate objects or creating tasks, sometimes even creating a repetitious procedure such as constantly counting objects or being meticulous with said tasks (I.E: Drawing, building, etc). Sounds simple, right?
Well, let’s look at this. Now in both cases that I saw, and I can only speak from personal experience of what I saw and interacted with, the children were non-responsive in the “normal” way to social stimuli. Now when I say normal, they never really interacted with other children and when they did it was either short bursts of speech or repetitive phrases. These are typical symptoms of autism but one thing I also noticed was that (And I am not trying to be mean, here) they never really made the effort. I don’t expect all kids to run into the middle of a room and start doing the Soulja Boy but I honestly don’t see how not being social can be considered a disorder. Now I know there are other symptoms that go along with autism and since the human brain has been and will always be a mystery I will never know how individuals’ brains respond to things. However….just because children don’t act a certain way to stimuli doesn’t make them stricken with a sickness. They might just know that kids are mean and adults are fucking stupid.
What gets me is how this has become the new ADD or ADHD. Now I for one had to work with kids with ADD and all I have to say is that some were truly troubled. To the point that they couldn’t sit still even when they were focused on a task. However, remember when you would see commercials and news reports about ADD and how it was an “epidemic that needed to be wiped out?” So kids left and right were given Ritalin and other “calming” drugs to keep your kids doped up so they looked like they had went to a party at Heath Ledger’s house (Damn, that’s fucked up) and that’s when people realized that even though there were SOME children that truly needed pills to focus, some kids just needed a pop in the motherfucking mouth and be told to do their fucking homework and calm the fuck down:
Now I will not go that far with autism because I can’t. Mainly because the symptoms ARE EVERYTHING UNDER THE FUCKING SUN. Remember that Chris Rock joke about legal drugs?
That is pretty much how it is: everything is a symptom. I want all of you to be honest with yourselves. How many of you had at least ONE of these traits in school:
• Significant problems developing nonverbal communication skills, such as eye-to-eye gazing, facial expressions, and body posture.
• Failure to establish friendships with children the same age.
• Lack of interest in sharing enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people.
• Lack of empathy. People with autism may have difficulty understanding another person's feelings, such as pain or sorrow.
• Delay in, or lack of, learning to talk.
• Problems taking steps to start a conversation. Also, people with autism have difficulties continuing a conversation once it has begun.
• Stereotyped and repetitive use of language. People with autism often repeat over and over a phrase they have heard previously (echolalia).
• Difficulty understanding their listener's perspective. For example, a person with autism may not understand that someone is using humor. They may interpret the communication word for word and fail to catch the implied meaning.
• An unusual focus on pieces. Younger children with autism often focus on parts of toys, such as the wheels on a car, rather than playing with the entire toy.
• Preoccupation with certain topics. For example, older children and adults may be fascinated by train schedules, weather patterns, or license plates.
• A need for sameness and routines. For example, a child with autism may always need to eat bread before salad and insist on driving the same route every day to school.
• Stereotyped behaviors. These may include body rocking and hand flapping.
(From Healthwise)
Okay, seriously at least one of those EVERY ONE OF YOU displayed in school. If these were the ONLY symptoms to autism I would just take all the kids that have it, put those anti-social bastards in a room and play “Caramelldansen” until they danced the night away like we did last summer. Since they aren’t, I cannot typecast all cases of autism as just a case of kids not wanting to interact with others. It seems that there are some parents (Aint naming no names) that much like they used ADD and ADHD to explain why their children were worthless, unfocused little shits they are now using autism to explain why thsie kids don’t have standard social skills. You know, a lot of how your children with others is based off how you raise them and what you tell them. So if you don’t RAISE them and you don’t TELL them ways to address social situations they will shut in or handle it in their own way. Some are natural wallflowers and some will walk into a room and take that bitch over like Lil’ Jon. That is just the way children are. Now if they are that way because of a disability or an imbalance of chemicals then by all means they need treatment. Understand that some kids just don’t like people. Hell, I don’t like people and I’m fucking grown. Autism is almost literally the ADD of the new….last half of the decade. Don’t even get me started on Asperger’s Syndrome because….I may have to kill some people. I call it Asshaterexia.
In the end I don’t have it so I can’t say anything. I am not a professional doctor (douchebag douchebag cockmongering money-grubbing dickwad) or psychiatrist (UBER-douchebag cockmongering money-grubbing dickwad) but I can only speak on what I see and what is given. From what I can tell, autism is something that some people are truly afflicted with while others use it as an excuse for their children not wanting to interact with others or having stunted development. Just because they don’t want to play with other children doesn’t mean that they won’t make it in this fast paced society, it just means they don’t like kickball or have a lot of friends. That isn’t necessarily a sign of autism (Although it might be, I don’t know), it could just be that said child doesn’t know how to make friends or it could be that kids can be dicks and don’t want to play with them.
People say that autism is the fastest growing neurological disease in America and yet….they said the same thing about ADD about seven or eight years ago. Did they ever really cure that? Have we really gotten to the point where EVERYTHING is a disorder? I am a fat fuck, it is not a disease. It is because I eat too much and I don’t exercise enough. You know what I have to do? REVERSE THAT. Some would say I have a drinking problem (to which I would say FUCK YOU, FUCKY) but you know what I would do if I felt I had a problem? STOP DRINKING. Anyone noticed how all the syndromes that have come out over the last few years (Since the 90’s) don’t really have a remedy? Coincidence? I think not, people. Give people an reason to not accept difference and they will take it. An excuse is like reiatsu for people that are looking for something to explain why there is a problem. Not saying autism is the case, but a lot of times it sounds like it in my honest opinion.
Well, that is all for now. I will be back for a bit tomorrow (MAYBE) so until then stay up, peeps.
Chachi Out.
JUST WHAT IS AUTISM?
You see, at the time my only dealing with Autism was in college as I knew a classmate whose daughter had autism and in one of my classes in which I was to be a teacher for the summer I asked to be paired with a student that I found out as I was working with him had autism as well. Long story short, “doctors” say autism is a brain disorder that makes it difficult is not impossible for some people to communicate with others. In essence, there are parts of the brain that don’t work together like Whites and Blacks and that causes problems in relating to other people so in most cases autistic children take solace in inanimate objects or creating tasks, sometimes even creating a repetitious procedure such as constantly counting objects or being meticulous with said tasks (I.E: Drawing, building, etc). Sounds simple, right?
Well, let’s look at this. Now in both cases that I saw, and I can only speak from personal experience of what I saw and interacted with, the children were non-responsive in the “normal” way to social stimuli. Now when I say normal, they never really interacted with other children and when they did it was either short bursts of speech or repetitive phrases. These are typical symptoms of autism but one thing I also noticed was that (And I am not trying to be mean, here) they never really made the effort. I don’t expect all kids to run into the middle of a room and start doing the Soulja Boy but I honestly don’t see how not being social can be considered a disorder. Now I know there are other symptoms that go along with autism and since the human brain has been and will always be a mystery I will never know how individuals’ brains respond to things. However….just because children don’t act a certain way to stimuli doesn’t make them stricken with a sickness. They might just know that kids are mean and adults are fucking stupid.
What gets me is how this has become the new ADD or ADHD. Now I for one had to work with kids with ADD and all I have to say is that some were truly troubled. To the point that they couldn’t sit still even when they were focused on a task. However, remember when you would see commercials and news reports about ADD and how it was an “epidemic that needed to be wiped out?” So kids left and right were given Ritalin and other “calming” drugs to keep your kids doped up so they looked like they had went to a party at Heath Ledger’s house (Damn, that’s fucked up) and that’s when people realized that even though there were SOME children that truly needed pills to focus, some kids just needed a pop in the motherfucking mouth and be told to do their fucking homework and calm the fuck down:
Now I will not go that far with autism because I can’t. Mainly because the symptoms ARE EVERYTHING UNDER THE FUCKING SUN. Remember that Chris Rock joke about legal drugs?
That is pretty much how it is: everything is a symptom. I want all of you to be honest with yourselves. How many of you had at least ONE of these traits in school:
• Significant problems developing nonverbal communication skills, such as eye-to-eye gazing, facial expressions, and body posture.
• Failure to establish friendships with children the same age.
• Lack of interest in sharing enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people.
• Lack of empathy. People with autism may have difficulty understanding another person's feelings, such as pain or sorrow.
• Delay in, or lack of, learning to talk.
• Problems taking steps to start a conversation. Also, people with autism have difficulties continuing a conversation once it has begun.
• Stereotyped and repetitive use of language. People with autism often repeat over and over a phrase they have heard previously (echolalia).
• Difficulty understanding their listener's perspective. For example, a person with autism may not understand that someone is using humor. They may interpret the communication word for word and fail to catch the implied meaning.
• An unusual focus on pieces. Younger children with autism often focus on parts of toys, such as the wheels on a car, rather than playing with the entire toy.
• Preoccupation with certain topics. For example, older children and adults may be fascinated by train schedules, weather patterns, or license plates.
• A need for sameness and routines. For example, a child with autism may always need to eat bread before salad and insist on driving the same route every day to school.
• Stereotyped behaviors. These may include body rocking and hand flapping.
(From Healthwise)
Okay, seriously at least one of those EVERY ONE OF YOU displayed in school. If these were the ONLY symptoms to autism I would just take all the kids that have it, put those anti-social bastards in a room and play “Caramelldansen” until they danced the night away like we did last summer. Since they aren’t, I cannot typecast all cases of autism as just a case of kids not wanting to interact with others. It seems that there are some parents (Aint naming no names) that much like they used ADD and ADHD to explain why their children were worthless, unfocused little shits they are now using autism to explain why thsie kids don’t have standard social skills. You know, a lot of how your children with others is based off how you raise them and what you tell them. So if you don’t RAISE them and you don’t TELL them ways to address social situations they will shut in or handle it in their own way. Some are natural wallflowers and some will walk into a room and take that bitch over like Lil’ Jon. That is just the way children are. Now if they are that way because of a disability or an imbalance of chemicals then by all means they need treatment. Understand that some kids just don’t like people. Hell, I don’t like people and I’m fucking grown. Autism is almost literally the ADD of the new….last half of the decade. Don’t even get me started on Asperger’s Syndrome because….I may have to kill some people. I call it Asshaterexia.
In the end I don’t have it so I can’t say anything. I am not a professional doctor (douchebag douchebag cockmongering money-grubbing dickwad) or psychiatrist (UBER-douchebag cockmongering money-grubbing dickwad) but I can only speak on what I see and what is given. From what I can tell, autism is something that some people are truly afflicted with while others use it as an excuse for their children not wanting to interact with others or having stunted development. Just because they don’t want to play with other children doesn’t mean that they won’t make it in this fast paced society, it just means they don’t like kickball or have a lot of friends. That isn’t necessarily a sign of autism (Although it might be, I don’t know), it could just be that said child doesn’t know how to make friends or it could be that kids can be dicks and don’t want to play with them.
People say that autism is the fastest growing neurological disease in America and yet….they said the same thing about ADD about seven or eight years ago. Did they ever really cure that? Have we really gotten to the point where EVERYTHING is a disorder? I am a fat fuck, it is not a disease. It is because I eat too much and I don’t exercise enough. You know what I have to do? REVERSE THAT. Some would say I have a drinking problem (to which I would say FUCK YOU, FUCKY) but you know what I would do if I felt I had a problem? STOP DRINKING. Anyone noticed how all the syndromes that have come out over the last few years (Since the 90’s) don’t really have a remedy? Coincidence? I think not, people. Give people an reason to not accept difference and they will take it. An excuse is like reiatsu for people that are looking for something to explain why there is a problem. Not saying autism is the case, but a lot of times it sounds like it in my honest opinion.
Well, that is all for now. I will be back for a bit tomorrow (MAYBE) so until then stay up, peeps.
Chachi Out.
Monday, July 28, 2008
I'm The Biggest Fraud You Have Seen This Far....BOSS!
I back, bitches! It has been a few days and I was hella tired on Sunday (Who knew? After Friday and Saturday nights I so needed a break) so I didn’t post but I am back know to make it up to you. I’m sorry baby. So I have another installment of….
Chachi’s Boiling Points!!
Just a few, I am kind of calm today.
Boiling Point #1: If Rick Ross Is “The Boss” Then I Am The Duke Of New Fucking York.
Okay, we all knew that rappers were lying through their asses about being former felons and high caliber gangsters before rapping. Let’s face it, The Man keeps me from getting a mother fucking SAM’S CLUB CARD so there is no way they are letting a bunch of minimally talented niggas get that kind of scratch. So you have probably heard about the stories of Akon, Plies and our favorite non-rapping ass fat Black bastard Rick “I Can Rhyme Boss With Ross! I’m Talented!” Ross not being as felonious as they claim to be. Well, first off if you believed any of that shit you are a fuckwit. Seriously, it is like believing that all those “clean” rock stars aren’t snorting right now. They are and I really don’t care because it is their fucking life. However, I do have a problem with a few rappers out there that pretend to have this former drug dealer lifestyle that brought them so much in terms of riches…that they stop doing that to sell ringtones. Fuck you, fucky. I guess it takes too much work to get your dumb ass shot because that takes a little bit of courage (Unless you are 50 Cent in which I wish you were dead. Seriously, you are like Hitler mated with a Battletoad) and why do that when you could just lie about your hardcore past and let impressionable youths emulate you. But the weird thing is that it isn’t BLACKS that emulate them as much as it is dumb ass white kids that emulate them (More on that later….I so hate White people right now) because let’s face it: White people (Well….all other races) only get their information about Blacks from three places:
1. Your One Black Friend: Yes, you know you have that one and don’t get all pissy and say “I have more than one! I know Jamal and Kristal!” because you know I am right. Not exactly a BAD thing to have ONE Black friend but news flash: we aren’t all the same so if you speak to all of them like you speak to one Black friend you might find an Air Force One or a G-Unit up your ass. I have seen it and it is HILARIOUS.
2. BET: Sadly….since White people avoid Blacks at all points (Which you figured would be easy since we make up only 11%-13% or so if you add in the ones in prison which aint going to make you toss their salad anytime soon) they only know what they see on TV. If you have seen BET, we are either all rich with jewelry that would make Liberace look like he fucked chicks, too dumb to realize that sagging pants + gravity = falling or we are all Barack Obama which means smarter and better than you and BOY are you hating on those Blacks. Aint nothing more scary to White folks than a Black man reading. You would rather see an Arab holding a B-Bomb from Super Mario Brothers 2 while singing Quiet Riot’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It” than see a Black person with a book that doesn’t have a car, LeBron James or Nelly on it. ZING!
3. Video Games: Yeah….um….aside from Barrett name one somewhat famous Black video game character. That nigga had a GUN GRAFTED TO HIS FUCKING ARM! Now I don’t say this a lot….but that’s racist.
Long story short, people in general only get their ideas and create their mindsets about people from what they see on TV or read about on the intarweb. So when I see White people saying “Rick Rossin’ It” I kind of feel like they need to die but I can’t blame them at all. It is what we give them to form an idea on so it’s not like they are doing anything wrong aside from being douches. Now at the end of the day, it is Rick Ross’s or Plies’ (WHAT THE FUCK IS A PLIES?! I thought that nigga was a ballerina or some shit!) fault for lying and the fact they got caught isn’t a BAD thing because at least they really didn’t run around committing dumb ass crimes. I mean I have always said the only thing that keeps me from selling drugs is the fear of prison rape but at the same time know it is FUCKING STUPID to sell drugs because it is bloody illegal. So when rappers glorify that I am okay with that if that was your life. I mean if I were to rap I would kick the rhymes about Zac Efron (HE’S SO HAWT!!!11!!), K-dramas, porn, anime, animated porn, video games, J-pop and how much I hate dumb bitches and bros. At the same time, none of that is illegal (Although my love for Hinoi Team and Wonder Girls is REALLY pushing it):
Hey, if you add them up they are TOTALLY legal. Stack that jailbait up like pancakes, mofo! I kid, I kid. Back to my point. None of what I would rap about it illegal albeit in some cases offensive. Last I checked, playing Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (W00T!) isn’t a crime but distribution of narcotics….kind of IS. The fact they rap about doing it, and then didn’t do it doesn’t make them liars if they say up front “I ain’t done this shit. I say this so you will buy my ringtone! Boss!” I mean 2Pac said several times he didn’t have a single felony before he got a record deal (Which is why he is one of the few rappers I actually fucking respect because he always came clean about who he was….at some point anyway) and yet these rappers are always talking about “the Feds” and “catching a case” about shit. You know, our government may be too inept to catch Usama Bin Laden or OJ Simpson (Or R. Kelly for that matter) but they would have definitely caught your asses if you used to deal drugs. I have seen Black people beat, chased with dogs and sprayed with hoses (Bet they wish they had a raincoat!) for a lot less than poisoning the community and being an overall dipshit. You lying sons of bitches are destroying rap. Oh, and no more gangbanging in rap. Please, it’s over with. Aint no 401K or dental plan with banging on wax so put down the guns, trade your rages for a mother fucking tie and for the love of god PULL YOUR MOTHER FUCKING PANTS UP! Through playing around with ya’ll!
Boiling Point #2: Rape…It Only Hurts When You Fight It
First off, that is the funniest line ever and I don’t care who you are. Now over the last four or so years I have taken the stance that rape, much like any other crime whether it be dog fighting or domestic abuse, can be funny. Except for Ultimate Fighting Cats….not cool:
They don’t even get 5% gross. It’s WRONG! Now people (Mainly females that don’t know funny and dudes that REALLY don’t know funny) always get a raging case of IPS (BTW, for the people that have asked, IPS stands for Irritable Pussy Syndrome. And know you know) about the utter THOUGHT that rape can be considered funny. Once again, I think people are too fucking stupid to get the point of this statement which is why for a while I laughed in private. You see, humor is situational. There are very few things in life that are ALWAYS funny. However, when positioned correctly, much like a great punt return a joke about something that isn’t necessarily “funny” by conventional means can end up being fucking hilarious. George Carlin put it best:
“People always say rape isn't funny. I say fuck you! I think it's hilarious, how do you like that? I can PROVE to you that rape is funny! Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd!”
You see? That is some funny shit right there. I think that people think that when you laugh at a situational joke about something that is seen as tragic that they believe you are laughing at the act. Well, first of the ACT of rape is no funnier than the act of murder. However, people make jokes about murder all the time. Remember the Chris Rock jokes about the Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman murders?:
Or even better one of the FUNNIEST sketches in the history of TV on In Living Color with David Alan Grier in “Ike Strikes Back?”:
You see? Those were very funny but it didn’t make me want to say “Pfft, you know what’s funny? Beating bitches!” at any point. I know that rape is a crime of violence and violent crimes should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. However, you can’t sit there and tell me that the premise of Handbanana raping Carl wasn’t the funniest thing take on rape since “The Accused” or as I call it “The Biggest Reason Not To Play Pinball.”
COME ON! IT’S A JOKE! Relax, guy! Either way, as long as you aren’t doing it to be a dickweed or “edgy” (Yeah, edgy humor is for those that don’t have real jokes to tell) it is okay as long as it placed and timed correctly. That’s what humor is about: timing and delivery. Dane Cook could learn a thing from that.
Boiling Point #3: Being A Dumb Bitch Doesn’t Deserve Sympathy. It Deserves An Ass Whooping.
Well, my sister told me that Amy Winehouse was checked into a hospital today showing symptoms of being a crackhead and an overall asshat. You know what? I have had enough of Amy Winehouse. I am sicker of her than I am of Brett “Fucktard” Favre. Maybe not but she irritates me. You know, it isn’t even HER that irritates me as much as her dumb ass fans. You see, I don’t understand how she can be seen as a “hero” for admitting herself into rehab when she obviously said “no, no, no” to help and a Steve Austin “OH HELL YEAH” to crack. I mean seriously, how in the fuck do you get addicted to crack or meth? Anything you have to create that cause the risk of BLOWING YOURSELF UP OR CREATING SOMETHING LETHAL that doesn’t involve a gigai and gaining a Vizard mask is fucking stupid .l Yeah, I said it. Drug addicts piss me off and they are dipshits. I am a fattie but no one has shoved food in my face, I shove it there myself. Crack and meth are ILLEGAL TO HAVE and are known to kill you so if you do it and get addicted I don’t have any sympathy for you. Sorry, take that weak shit back to the factory like The Notorious BIG once said. Unless someone forced you to do crack cocaine, I don’t care about your rehab. No one forced Rick James to do cocaine and look at what he did. He did(n’t) grind his feet into Eddie Murphy’s couch. Although the rich mother fucker could buy another one.
Anyway, I am out. Needed to post something for the peeps. I will be back up before Friday, I promise! Until then, stay up and read the Blogger archives. Good stuff and great way to kill a few hours.
Chachi Out.
Chachi’s Boiling Points!!
Just a few, I am kind of calm today.
Boiling Point #1: If Rick Ross Is “The Boss” Then I Am The Duke Of New Fucking York.
Okay, we all knew that rappers were lying through their asses about being former felons and high caliber gangsters before rapping. Let’s face it, The Man keeps me from getting a mother fucking SAM’S CLUB CARD so there is no way they are letting a bunch of minimally talented niggas get that kind of scratch. So you have probably heard about the stories of Akon, Plies and our favorite non-rapping ass fat Black bastard Rick “I Can Rhyme Boss With Ross! I’m Talented!” Ross not being as felonious as they claim to be. Well, first off if you believed any of that shit you are a fuckwit. Seriously, it is like believing that all those “clean” rock stars aren’t snorting right now. They are and I really don’t care because it is their fucking life. However, I do have a problem with a few rappers out there that pretend to have this former drug dealer lifestyle that brought them so much in terms of riches…that they stop doing that to sell ringtones. Fuck you, fucky. I guess it takes too much work to get your dumb ass shot because that takes a little bit of courage (Unless you are 50 Cent in which I wish you were dead. Seriously, you are like Hitler mated with a Battletoad) and why do that when you could just lie about your hardcore past and let impressionable youths emulate you. But the weird thing is that it isn’t BLACKS that emulate them as much as it is dumb ass white kids that emulate them (More on that later….I so hate White people right now) because let’s face it: White people (Well….all other races) only get their information about Blacks from three places:
1. Your One Black Friend: Yes, you know you have that one and don’t get all pissy and say “I have more than one! I know Jamal and Kristal!” because you know I am right. Not exactly a BAD thing to have ONE Black friend but news flash: we aren’t all the same so if you speak to all of them like you speak to one Black friend you might find an Air Force One or a G-Unit up your ass. I have seen it and it is HILARIOUS.
2. BET: Sadly….since White people avoid Blacks at all points (Which you figured would be easy since we make up only 11%-13% or so if you add in the ones in prison which aint going to make you toss their salad anytime soon) they only know what they see on TV. If you have seen BET, we are either all rich with jewelry that would make Liberace look like he fucked chicks, too dumb to realize that sagging pants + gravity = falling or we are all Barack Obama which means smarter and better than you and BOY are you hating on those Blacks. Aint nothing more scary to White folks than a Black man reading. You would rather see an Arab holding a B-Bomb from Super Mario Brothers 2 while singing Quiet Riot’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It” than see a Black person with a book that doesn’t have a car, LeBron James or Nelly on it. ZING!
3. Video Games: Yeah….um….aside from Barrett name one somewhat famous Black video game character. That nigga had a GUN GRAFTED TO HIS FUCKING ARM! Now I don’t say this a lot….but that’s racist.
Long story short, people in general only get their ideas and create their mindsets about people from what they see on TV or read about on the intarweb. So when I see White people saying “Rick Rossin’ It” I kind of feel like they need to die but I can’t blame them at all. It is what we give them to form an idea on so it’s not like they are doing anything wrong aside from being douches. Now at the end of the day, it is Rick Ross’s or Plies’ (WHAT THE FUCK IS A PLIES?! I thought that nigga was a ballerina or some shit!) fault for lying and the fact they got caught isn’t a BAD thing because at least they really didn’t run around committing dumb ass crimes. I mean I have always said the only thing that keeps me from selling drugs is the fear of prison rape but at the same time know it is FUCKING STUPID to sell drugs because it is bloody illegal. So when rappers glorify that I am okay with that if that was your life. I mean if I were to rap I would kick the rhymes about Zac Efron (HE’S SO HAWT!!!11!!), K-dramas, porn, anime, animated porn, video games, J-pop and how much I hate dumb bitches and bros. At the same time, none of that is illegal (Although my love for Hinoi Team and Wonder Girls is REALLY pushing it):
Hey, if you add them up they are TOTALLY legal. Stack that jailbait up like pancakes, mofo! I kid, I kid. Back to my point. None of what I would rap about it illegal albeit in some cases offensive. Last I checked, playing Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (W00T!) isn’t a crime but distribution of narcotics….kind of IS. The fact they rap about doing it, and then didn’t do it doesn’t make them liars if they say up front “I ain’t done this shit. I say this so you will buy my ringtone! Boss!” I mean 2Pac said several times he didn’t have a single felony before he got a record deal (Which is why he is one of the few rappers I actually fucking respect because he always came clean about who he was….at some point anyway) and yet these rappers are always talking about “the Feds” and “catching a case” about shit. You know, our government may be too inept to catch Usama Bin Laden or OJ Simpson (Or R. Kelly for that matter) but they would have definitely caught your asses if you used to deal drugs. I have seen Black people beat, chased with dogs and sprayed with hoses (Bet they wish they had a raincoat!) for a lot less than poisoning the community and being an overall dipshit. You lying sons of bitches are destroying rap. Oh, and no more gangbanging in rap. Please, it’s over with. Aint no 401K or dental plan with banging on wax so put down the guns, trade your rages for a mother fucking tie and for the love of god PULL YOUR MOTHER FUCKING PANTS UP! Through playing around with ya’ll!
Boiling Point #2: Rape…It Only Hurts When You Fight It
First off, that is the funniest line ever and I don’t care who you are. Now over the last four or so years I have taken the stance that rape, much like any other crime whether it be dog fighting or domestic abuse, can be funny. Except for Ultimate Fighting Cats….not cool:
They don’t even get 5% gross. It’s WRONG! Now people (Mainly females that don’t know funny and dudes that REALLY don’t know funny) always get a raging case of IPS (BTW, for the people that have asked, IPS stands for Irritable Pussy Syndrome. And know you know) about the utter THOUGHT that rape can be considered funny. Once again, I think people are too fucking stupid to get the point of this statement which is why for a while I laughed in private. You see, humor is situational. There are very few things in life that are ALWAYS funny. However, when positioned correctly, much like a great punt return a joke about something that isn’t necessarily “funny” by conventional means can end up being fucking hilarious. George Carlin put it best:
“People always say rape isn't funny. I say fuck you! I think it's hilarious, how do you like that? I can PROVE to you that rape is funny! Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd!”
You see? That is some funny shit right there. I think that people think that when you laugh at a situational joke about something that is seen as tragic that they believe you are laughing at the act. Well, first of the ACT of rape is no funnier than the act of murder. However, people make jokes about murder all the time. Remember the Chris Rock jokes about the Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman murders?:
Or even better one of the FUNNIEST sketches in the history of TV on In Living Color with David Alan Grier in “Ike Strikes Back?”:
You see? Those were very funny but it didn’t make me want to say “Pfft, you know what’s funny? Beating bitches!” at any point. I know that rape is a crime of violence and violent crimes should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. However, you can’t sit there and tell me that the premise of Handbanana raping Carl wasn’t the funniest thing take on rape since “The Accused” or as I call it “The Biggest Reason Not To Play Pinball.”
COME ON! IT’S A JOKE! Relax, guy! Either way, as long as you aren’t doing it to be a dickweed or “edgy” (Yeah, edgy humor is for those that don’t have real jokes to tell) it is okay as long as it placed and timed correctly. That’s what humor is about: timing and delivery. Dane Cook could learn a thing from that.
Boiling Point #3: Being A Dumb Bitch Doesn’t Deserve Sympathy. It Deserves An Ass Whooping.
Well, my sister told me that Amy Winehouse was checked into a hospital today showing symptoms of being a crackhead and an overall asshat. You know what? I have had enough of Amy Winehouse. I am sicker of her than I am of Brett “Fucktard” Favre. Maybe not but she irritates me. You know, it isn’t even HER that irritates me as much as her dumb ass fans. You see, I don’t understand how she can be seen as a “hero” for admitting herself into rehab when she obviously said “no, no, no” to help and a Steve Austin “OH HELL YEAH” to crack. I mean seriously, how in the fuck do you get addicted to crack or meth? Anything you have to create that cause the risk of BLOWING YOURSELF UP OR CREATING SOMETHING LETHAL that doesn’t involve a gigai and gaining a Vizard mask is fucking stupid .l Yeah, I said it. Drug addicts piss me off and they are dipshits. I am a fattie but no one has shoved food in my face, I shove it there myself. Crack and meth are ILLEGAL TO HAVE and are known to kill you so if you do it and get addicted I don’t have any sympathy for you. Sorry, take that weak shit back to the factory like The Notorious BIG once said. Unless someone forced you to do crack cocaine, I don’t care about your rehab. No one forced Rick James to do cocaine and look at what he did. He did(n’t) grind his feet into Eddie Murphy’s couch. Although the rich mother fucker could buy another one.
Anyway, I am out. Needed to post something for the peeps. I will be back up before Friday, I promise! Until then, stay up and read the Blogger archives. Good stuff and great way to kill a few hours.
Chachi Out.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Hot Like Fire!
It is Friday afternoon and it is about that time! Got to get this out before I hit the streets so here we go! It is time for the….
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!!
We begin with a debut from a surprisingly dominant artist on the Countdown that makes his solo return after a year hiatus!
20. Young Jeezy feat Kanye West – Put On (New Entry)
We begin with a video by an artist who hasn’t been on here SOLO in over a year! Young Jeezy actually as two number one videos to his credit as a featured artist with Usher on “Love In The Club” and TI’s “Top Back (Remix)” but he is back once again as a solo artist. Also, he has Kayne West on the track which gives Kanye his FIFTH VIDEO on the Countdown in 2008 (Would have been six but “Goodlife” fell off on 12/27/2007). Artist of the Year, maybe?
19. Kelun – SIXTEEN GIRL (Last Week #16)
So it looks like Kelun is on the verge of falling off the Countdown with their first video. Doesn’t really matter as I have my “CHU-BURA” so I am happy.
18. Alicia Keys – Teenage Love Affair (Last Week #15)
So “Superwoman” is very good. I was expecting some uber-feminist video but luckily I didn’t get that. I got a very well put together video. Good stuff.
17. Fonzworth Bentley feat. Andre 3000 & Kanye West – Everybody [Don’t Stop] (Last Week #20)
So I am wondering of C.O.L.O.U.R.S. (Yeah…that’s the name) will be a group like CRS or just something for the video. If it is a group, this could be very interesting. Either way, FOnzworth moves up three big spots this week.
16. Toshinobu Kobuta feat. Misia - Flying Easy Loving Crazy (Last Week #14, Two Weeks at #1)
TK and Misia are STILL hanging on! It has been over four months and they are still one of the more popular videos out there and I must say it is about time! Kobuta is the mad notes.
15. RBD - Empezar Desde Cero (Last Week #17)
LA FAMILIA IS OUT ON DVD! I finally get to see Dulce get taken advantage of by that sleazy photographer! Why wasn’t THAT on TV but I get stuck with that shitty ass show “The Hills?” I really don’t like White people.
14. BACK-ON – Sands of Time (Last Week #10, Plunge of the Week)
BACK-ON is moving back DOWN the Countdown this week as they fall from the Top Ten. Even still it has been a good start of the year for them. Here is to hoping they don’t disappear for five months like NaNa did. So pissed off about that.
13. Hyori Lee – U-Go-Girl (Last Week #18, Biggest Mover)
You go, Hyori! It looks like K-pop is the new J-pop as she moves up five big spots this week! You know, with Tae Yang, Wonder Girls and Hyori dominating charts right now and with Rain and Se7en making their returns later this year I must say that Korea is standing up right now. What is “8 MILE!” in Korean? Little help?
12. Seamo feat Ayuse Kozue - Honey (Last Week #12)
Looks like Seamo has stalled a bit this week as he holds steady at number 12. He was making some good moves over the last month or so, can he keep it up next week as he is right outside of the Top 10?
11. YA-KYIM – Super Looper (Last Week #8, Three Weeks at #1)
YA-KYIM falls outside of the Top Ten for the first time since April! That is two full months in the upper half which is quite the accomplishment. Upset that I haven’t gotten anything new from these ladies yet, though. I needs me some new YA-KYIM NOW! We are into the Top 10!
10. Yui – Summer Song (Last Week #13)
We begin with a mainstay! Yui has her THIRD Top 10 video of 2008 and seeks her first number one video in over 15 months! Consistency trumps most other things but when you have been this dominant sometimes a championship is what you need. Let’s go, Yui!
9. Kelun – CHU-BURA (Last Week #11)
Kelun has their second Top 10 video of the year and in short order! Three weeks and already looking to dominate! I wonder if this means an album is coming or do I have to wait another year because of “Astral Lamp.” WHICH WAS AWESOME.
8. Chris Brown - Forever (Last Week #5)
After peaking at number three two weeks ago, Chris Brown falls out of the Top Five. It looks like he will NOT become the new Usher as he failed to take the top spot. Well, pretty good for a guy I wished death on about four months ago.
7. T.I. – No Matter What (Last Week #9)
The King is back, bitches! TI moves up another two spots this week as he looks for his third number one video and his first since last spring. So um…can I just say that Shawty Lo really isn’t my thing? I mean seriously, what does he do?
6. Usher – Moving Mountains (Last Week #3)
Usher falls three spots this week and out of the Top Five! He couldn’t follow up the success of “Love In The Club” with a number one video as he falls into the same trap that Mihimaru GT and Nelly Furtado have had ever since. Can he rebound?
5. Ikimono-Gakari - Bluebird (Last Week #7)
We are intro the Top Five and we have two first timers! We begin with the first ever Top Five video for Ikimono-Gakari! They have had a LOT of good work previously so the fact they are here for the first time is solely my fault. I apologize. Let’s see if they can take the crown from the experienced artists!
4. Paramore – That’s What You Get (Last Week #2, Two Weeks at #1)
After finally getting the monkey off their backs, Paramore slides down two spots this week. I totally want to go see them tomorrow but….I really don’t like many of the other acts there and I don’t want to waste my cash flow. We are down to three, and two of the videos are new to the Top Three!
3. Wonder Girls – So Hot (Last Week #6)
After only four weeks The Wonder Girls are one of the biggest three videos in the land! I know that I should feel bad about this but they are older than Hinoi Team (Which is….creepy on one hand but over there its encouraged! Korea is AWESOME!) and god damnit this song is CATCHY! You listen to it twice and not be hooked. I DARE YOU. Well I said on Thursday there was a new number one video…
2. Game feat Keisha Cole – Pain (Last Week #1, One Week at #1)
....and I am sad to say it is true! After finally getting the monkey off of HIS back, The Game falls from the top spot after only one week of holding it down for the West Coast. However, he has TWO VIDEOS coming out (“Dope Boyz” has already been released while “My Life” with Lil’ Wayne should be out early next month to coincide with “LAX”) so don’t feel too bad. This is still my summertime jam. So if it isn’t Wonder Girls and it isn’t The Game….who is at number one?!
1. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Hot Limit (Last Week #4, One Week at #1)
IT IS ABOUT TIME! After being held off by the juggernaught that was Bennie K earlier this year, HIGH AND MIGHT COLOR cement an awesome run in 2008 by finally taking the crown! Not only that, it is a remake of a TM Revolution song which makes it doubly bad ass! Congrats, guys!
That is all for this week! Tune in next Friday to see if HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR can make it two weeks in a row! Or can The Game and Keisha Cole rebound and ease the pain by being a two time number one video? Or will the Wonder Girls heat up the Countdown and take the throne? Tune in next Friday to find out!
I am so out of this piece. Stay up, ya’ll and I will be back on Sunday!
Chachi Out!
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!!
We begin with a debut from a surprisingly dominant artist on the Countdown that makes his solo return after a year hiatus!
20. Young Jeezy feat Kanye West – Put On (New Entry)
We begin with a video by an artist who hasn’t been on here SOLO in over a year! Young Jeezy actually as two number one videos to his credit as a featured artist with Usher on “Love In The Club” and TI’s “Top Back (Remix)” but he is back once again as a solo artist. Also, he has Kayne West on the track which gives Kanye his FIFTH VIDEO on the Countdown in 2008 (Would have been six but “Goodlife” fell off on 12/27/2007). Artist of the Year, maybe?
19. Kelun – SIXTEEN GIRL (Last Week #16)
So it looks like Kelun is on the verge of falling off the Countdown with their first video. Doesn’t really matter as I have my “CHU-BURA” so I am happy.
18. Alicia Keys – Teenage Love Affair (Last Week #15)
So “Superwoman” is very good. I was expecting some uber-feminist video but luckily I didn’t get that. I got a very well put together video. Good stuff.
17. Fonzworth Bentley feat. Andre 3000 & Kanye West – Everybody [Don’t Stop] (Last Week #20)
So I am wondering of C.O.L.O.U.R.S. (Yeah…that’s the name) will be a group like CRS or just something for the video. If it is a group, this could be very interesting. Either way, FOnzworth moves up three big spots this week.
16. Toshinobu Kobuta feat. Misia - Flying Easy Loving Crazy (Last Week #14, Two Weeks at #1)
TK and Misia are STILL hanging on! It has been over four months and they are still one of the more popular videos out there and I must say it is about time! Kobuta is the mad notes.
15. RBD - Empezar Desde Cero (Last Week #17)
LA FAMILIA IS OUT ON DVD! I finally get to see Dulce get taken advantage of by that sleazy photographer! Why wasn’t THAT on TV but I get stuck with that shitty ass show “The Hills?” I really don’t like White people.
14. BACK-ON – Sands of Time (Last Week #10, Plunge of the Week)
BACK-ON is moving back DOWN the Countdown this week as they fall from the Top Ten. Even still it has been a good start of the year for them. Here is to hoping they don’t disappear for five months like NaNa did. So pissed off about that.
13. Hyori Lee – U-Go-Girl (Last Week #18, Biggest Mover)
You go, Hyori! It looks like K-pop is the new J-pop as she moves up five big spots this week! You know, with Tae Yang, Wonder Girls and Hyori dominating charts right now and with Rain and Se7en making their returns later this year I must say that Korea is standing up right now. What is “8 MILE!” in Korean? Little help?
12. Seamo feat Ayuse Kozue - Honey (Last Week #12)
Looks like Seamo has stalled a bit this week as he holds steady at number 12. He was making some good moves over the last month or so, can he keep it up next week as he is right outside of the Top 10?
11. YA-KYIM – Super Looper (Last Week #8, Three Weeks at #1)
YA-KYIM falls outside of the Top Ten for the first time since April! That is two full months in the upper half which is quite the accomplishment. Upset that I haven’t gotten anything new from these ladies yet, though. I needs me some new YA-KYIM NOW! We are into the Top 10!
10. Yui – Summer Song (Last Week #13)
We begin with a mainstay! Yui has her THIRD Top 10 video of 2008 and seeks her first number one video in over 15 months! Consistency trumps most other things but when you have been this dominant sometimes a championship is what you need. Let’s go, Yui!
9. Kelun – CHU-BURA (Last Week #11)
Kelun has their second Top 10 video of the year and in short order! Three weeks and already looking to dominate! I wonder if this means an album is coming or do I have to wait another year because of “Astral Lamp.” WHICH WAS AWESOME.
8. Chris Brown - Forever (Last Week #5)
After peaking at number three two weeks ago, Chris Brown falls out of the Top Five. It looks like he will NOT become the new Usher as he failed to take the top spot. Well, pretty good for a guy I wished death on about four months ago.
7. T.I. – No Matter What (Last Week #9)
The King is back, bitches! TI moves up another two spots this week as he looks for his third number one video and his first since last spring. So um…can I just say that Shawty Lo really isn’t my thing? I mean seriously, what does he do?
6. Usher – Moving Mountains (Last Week #3)
Usher falls three spots this week and out of the Top Five! He couldn’t follow up the success of “Love In The Club” with a number one video as he falls into the same trap that Mihimaru GT and Nelly Furtado have had ever since. Can he rebound?
5. Ikimono-Gakari - Bluebird (Last Week #7)
We are intro the Top Five and we have two first timers! We begin with the first ever Top Five video for Ikimono-Gakari! They have had a LOT of good work previously so the fact they are here for the first time is solely my fault. I apologize. Let’s see if they can take the crown from the experienced artists!
4. Paramore – That’s What You Get (Last Week #2, Two Weeks at #1)
After finally getting the monkey off their backs, Paramore slides down two spots this week. I totally want to go see them tomorrow but….I really don’t like many of the other acts there and I don’t want to waste my cash flow. We are down to three, and two of the videos are new to the Top Three!
3. Wonder Girls – So Hot (Last Week #6)
After only four weeks The Wonder Girls are one of the biggest three videos in the land! I know that I should feel bad about this but they are older than Hinoi Team (Which is….creepy on one hand but over there its encouraged! Korea is AWESOME!) and god damnit this song is CATCHY! You listen to it twice and not be hooked. I DARE YOU. Well I said on Thursday there was a new number one video…
2. Game feat Keisha Cole – Pain (Last Week #1, One Week at #1)
....and I am sad to say it is true! After finally getting the monkey off of HIS back, The Game falls from the top spot after only one week of holding it down for the West Coast. However, he has TWO VIDEOS coming out (“Dope Boyz” has already been released while “My Life” with Lil’ Wayne should be out early next month to coincide with “LAX”) so don’t feel too bad. This is still my summertime jam. So if it isn’t Wonder Girls and it isn’t The Game….who is at number one?!
1. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Hot Limit (Last Week #4, One Week at #1)
IT IS ABOUT TIME! After being held off by the juggernaught that was Bennie K earlier this year, HIGH AND MIGHT COLOR cement an awesome run in 2008 by finally taking the crown! Not only that, it is a remake of a TM Revolution song which makes it doubly bad ass! Congrats, guys!
That is all for this week! Tune in next Friday to see if HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR can make it two weeks in a row! Or can The Game and Keisha Cole rebound and ease the pain by being a two time number one video? Or will the Wonder Girls heat up the Countdown and take the throne? Tune in next Friday to find out!
I am so out of this piece. Stay up, ya’ll and I will be back on Sunday!
Chachi Out!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
America....You SUCK ASS.
What the fuck, America?! I tune in to America’s Best Dance Crew and see Supreme Soul and Super Crew in the BOTTOM FUCKING TWO?! Never mind that I had them pegged as my final two crews but now it seems that America has been drinking turpentine or some shit because you fuckers got it wrong as all hell.
Now I know voting is about the rights of the people and their choice of who their representative is. However, you don’t vote for Daffy Duck for fucking president. You vote for a candidate that has skills to do the job. Now everyone will say that Fanny Pak and Boogie Bots are just as talented as Supreme Soul and Super Cr3w and that is blatantly false. Look at it like this: neither of those crews have (Won’t say can’t because I haven’t seen them try) shown the ability to breakdance, b-boy (Two different things), pop & lock or contemporary dance (Which Supreme Soul is the best, YES better than So Real Crew) as well as the bottom two crews. Hell, A.S.I.I.D. was more technically sound and in some cases more entertaining than Boogie Bots and Fanny Pak. I feel that people are either not voting or just voting based on….I really don’t know. I have yet to be blown away by a performance by Fanny Pak. Not one fucking time. Every crew (Sans SassX7) has had at least ONE performance where they literally killed it. Boogie Bots are living proof because they are living off of the “Game Over” performance which was admittedly the second best of the season. Last weeks evolution sendoff was awesome but Fanny Pak and even So Real Crew hasn’t had that performance that was style and substance. Super Cr3w has been steadily one of the top three crews and yet they are in the bottom two for the last two weeks? Just makes no sense.
What really pisses me off is how Supreme Soul has been treated. The fact that they were the best all-round crew and yet never really took off because they were so sound made them look like a smug Jaba without the masks. Seriously look at their performances. They were consistently awesome and got punished for not letting the song or performance take over their talent. They were the best mix of all the crews and since the MTV audience has the attention span of a coked up ferret if the routine doesn’t have something UBER-BALLISTIC people say “They didn’t even do anything” but they miss all the actual fucking dancing. But I digress. People voted for who they liked and what has happened has happened. I honestly believe that the challenges are created to be an equalizer but instead they hamper some crews ability and make the show not as good as last year where the crews had a lot more freedom to just go all out. It is like how the Europeans changed the rules of their game from the NBA to even the playing field in international basketball. By taking the athleticism out of the game as the major factor it allowed them to change the tempo and catch up (And yes, beat) the Americans. These challenges have evened the field to the point that actual dancing skills (Tutting, breaking, tricks) have been almost deemphasized. It has really changed the show….and not for the better IMHO. But it is my OPINION so shut the fuck up if you can’t adjust.
Well, I believe the bottom two next week will be So Real Crew and Boogie Bots with Boogie Bots going home. I believe none of this would even be happening if Distortion X would have beaten Fanny Pak LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE. Mark it down: Super Cr3w vs. Fanny Pak in the final. Well, that is proof that god hates me and MTV intentionally fucks up my favorite shows. It is my life.
Well, the Countdown will be up tomorrow and I will give you a spoiler….
NEW NUMBER ONE VIDEO!!! But who will it be….check Friday to find out! Until then, stay up peeps. MAYBE X-Files tomorrow, too.
Chachi Out.
Now I know voting is about the rights of the people and their choice of who their representative is. However, you don’t vote for Daffy Duck for fucking president. You vote for a candidate that has skills to do the job. Now everyone will say that Fanny Pak and Boogie Bots are just as talented as Supreme Soul and Super Cr3w and that is blatantly false. Look at it like this: neither of those crews have (Won’t say can’t because I haven’t seen them try) shown the ability to breakdance, b-boy (Two different things), pop & lock or contemporary dance (Which Supreme Soul is the best, YES better than So Real Crew) as well as the bottom two crews. Hell, A.S.I.I.D. was more technically sound and in some cases more entertaining than Boogie Bots and Fanny Pak. I feel that people are either not voting or just voting based on….I really don’t know. I have yet to be blown away by a performance by Fanny Pak. Not one fucking time. Every crew (Sans SassX7) has had at least ONE performance where they literally killed it. Boogie Bots are living proof because they are living off of the “Game Over” performance which was admittedly the second best of the season. Last weeks evolution sendoff was awesome but Fanny Pak and even So Real Crew hasn’t had that performance that was style and substance. Super Cr3w has been steadily one of the top three crews and yet they are in the bottom two for the last two weeks? Just makes no sense.
What really pisses me off is how Supreme Soul has been treated. The fact that they were the best all-round crew and yet never really took off because they were so sound made them look like a smug Jaba without the masks. Seriously look at their performances. They were consistently awesome and got punished for not letting the song or performance take over their talent. They were the best mix of all the crews and since the MTV audience has the attention span of a coked up ferret if the routine doesn’t have something UBER-BALLISTIC people say “They didn’t even do anything” but they miss all the actual fucking dancing. But I digress. People voted for who they liked and what has happened has happened. I honestly believe that the challenges are created to be an equalizer but instead they hamper some crews ability and make the show not as good as last year where the crews had a lot more freedom to just go all out. It is like how the Europeans changed the rules of their game from the NBA to even the playing field in international basketball. By taking the athleticism out of the game as the major factor it allowed them to change the tempo and catch up (And yes, beat) the Americans. These challenges have evened the field to the point that actual dancing skills (Tutting, breaking, tricks) have been almost deemphasized. It has really changed the show….and not for the better IMHO. But it is my OPINION so shut the fuck up if you can’t adjust.
Well, I believe the bottom two next week will be So Real Crew and Boogie Bots with Boogie Bots going home. I believe none of this would even be happening if Distortion X would have beaten Fanny Pak LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE. Mark it down: Super Cr3w vs. Fanny Pak in the final. Well, that is proof that god hates me and MTV intentionally fucks up my favorite shows. It is my life.
Well, the Countdown will be up tomorrow and I will give you a spoiler….
NEW NUMBER ONE VIDEO!!! But who will it be….check Friday to find out! Until then, stay up peeps. MAYBE X-Files tomorrow, too.
Chachi Out.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Blogging: Keeping Me From Punting Puppies Since 2006.
What is up peeps?! It has been a rather hectic last three days so I haven’t been posting but I am back and I have to say, I kind of missed it. Monday was really….interesting and today was pretty damn good. However, still in a pissy mood. If anyone one is down for some soju and karaoke on Friday, let me know.
So I have a new idea for a post. Today rather than rant I have decided to just drop off some things that have been pissing me off for the last few days. So today I give you my first ever…
Chachi’s Boiling Points!
Here are some things I have wanted to rant about but don’t really care enough about to put a full fledged rant on.
Boiling Point #1: Fuck Brett Favre
I am getting really sick of this shit. I have never really been a Green Bay Packers fan although I have a lot more respect for their fan base than the Boston or New York City markets because they exude douchebag out of all their orifices and pores like asshole pheromones. However, I am not understanding the mancrush that people have for this cockmonger. Now there has been a growing sentiment among White sportscasters (And although I don’t like Skip Bayless he brought it up and I commend him for it) that Black people do not like Brett Favre and feel he gets a free pass from the media (ESPN, CBS Sportsline, NBC Sports, etc) and you know what? He fucking does. I personally don’t think he has earned the right to get the same passes that a Joe Montana or a Steve Young or a Troy Aikman have earned but all I have to say about it is this. Favre retired and wanted to come back. That is fine and dandy. However, this plea to the people is utter bullshit. He took his ball and went home now he wants back in. He has been threatening the retirement thing for about five years or so and each year he has the Packers get on their hands and knees and take it in the face and gangle the balls like Eva Angelina (She does GOOD WORK, by the way) for him to come back just to do it again. Well, Green Bay finally said to eat their ass and now he wants to come back. Fine, but guess what? You go where they WANT YOU TO GO, asshat. You are under contract and they can do with it as they please. You are not special. I am no quarterback and a lot of you people will say I don’t have a right to say any of this but as a sports fan whose dollars indirectly (Or in some cases directly) effect his pay I do believe it is my place.
Favre has not earned the right to hold the Green Bay Packers hostage with his douchery. Yes, he is holding them hostage because they are well within their legal rights to do what they are doing by not succumbing to his demands of a unconditional release because he is under contract and they don’t fucking have to! He should either honor his contract (Which no one wants to acknowledge. He is being a dick by not wanting to honor the contract AND putting the team under an unnescessary microscope) and compete for the starting job, a job that he would win hands down or he should go where they decide to trade him. That should be it. No one has earned the right to be a douche. Think about it, he isn’t even the best QB of his generation! All of these guys are ahead of him:
1. Troy Aikman (Three Super Bowl wins)
2. Steve Young (One Super Bowl win, one backup appearance)
3. Jim Kelly (Four Super Bowl apperances)
4. John Elway (Two Super Bowl wins)
Hell, even now he isn’t one of the top five in the league:
1. Tom Brady (Mo Bitches Brady, fool!)
2. Peyton Manning (Same amount of rings, will end up breaking Favre’s records)
3. Carson Palmer (You know, could end up being the best of the bunch if Chad Johnson gets his head out of his ass)
4. Eli Manning (They have the same amount of rings, bitches. KISS THE RING!)
5. Donovan McNabb (Won more games than Pac-Man in this era and has been to a Super Bowl. Too injury prone for my tastes)
6. Ben Rothlisberger (See Eli Manning. The only thing that can stop him is a motorcycle. And a motorcycle. ZING! Not cool, I’m sorry)
7. Matt Hasselbeck (He has been to a Super Bowl in the last fucking decade. Although I don’t believe he has beaten the Pack in the playoffs. Ooohhh, the drama!)
Understand me very clearly: I have no stake in this aside from the fact I am a fan of football and I for one could not give a rats ass whether he comes back or not. The NFL existed before Favre and will be here long after he thankfully dies. Isn’t this the same fucktard that almost drank his way out of the league? Maybe I don’t drink enough to understand alcoholism (I have a family FULL OF THEM and I just don’t get it but people are different) but if you drink enough to almost throw a football career away TWICE then fuck you. Seriously, fuck you and die. Now get addicted to crack cocaine and now we have a real story. If you have to drink 19 beers because you “can’t take the pressure” and become an addict then you are a fucking pussy. Now injecting heroin because you can’t take the fame of being a rockstar….that’s RAWK. Brett Farve is not rock, he is a cockmonger and I am tired of hearing about it inbred Mississippi ass. Go to fucking work and take your medicine for being a punk because you didn’t get your way. I hope you end up a fucking New York Jet.
Boiling Point #2: Sorry About Your Loss…..But Your Song Sucks.
Why do people get all pissy when I don’t cry like a webcam whore that got used by an unemployed high school dropout for anal when I hear one of those “sad songs?” I mean I DO NOT LIKE “Tears In Heaven” by Eric Clapton. It doesn’t make me evil and it doesn’t make me heartless. The fact that I think of kicking puppies into small children like Mario kicks Koopa shells into Goombas for 200 points each is evil and I admit that. But just because I hear a song that make YOU cry and I think it sucks and change the station doesn’t make me a bad person. It means I don’t give a fuck about your emotions or feelings and if you don’t know that about me by now then you will never, ever, ever, know me. Oooooohhhhhh. I mean I get a little choked up when I hear “Crucify My Love” by X-Japan:
Which in my opinion is one of the best ballads ever written. But you may not like it and that is quite fine because music is an aquired taste for some people. Yet, I am expected to turn into a blubbering teenage bitch at the end of “Titanic” whenever one of these songs come on. So I have a new rule, peeps. Whenever one of these songs comes on the radio, TV or someone else’s home:
• Five For Fighting – 100 Years: God, I really don’t like this song. Mainly because as a Black man I am expected to die at about 37 or some shit. 100 years to live my ass, honkey!
• Anything by Sarah McLaughlin or Tori Amos: Aren’t they the same minimally talented almost raped piano asshat? I’m not sure; I kind of zone out and think about kittens because I hate these two so much.
• The Fray – How To Save A Life: God damn it, I HATE THE MOTHER FUCKING FRAY! It is bad enough I saw them in Boulder in like…2000 or some shit but they have been running with that SAME FUCKING SONG FOR LIKE 500 MILLENIA! And the next person that says this song kept them from getting an abortion is getting punched the fucking stomach. The Fray doesn’t care! More dumbass babies equals more record sales! God, it’s all a plot you dipshits!
• Elton John – Candle In The Wind: Does it make me a bad person because I could care less about the memory of Princess Di and even LESS about this annoyingly stupid song? Why have a candle in the wind in the first fucking place? Get a god damn flashlight.
• The Beatles – Yesterday: FUCK. THE. BEATLES. The were a boy band and a lame one at that. I hate this song and the next person that covers this song should be shot in the fucking face. It sucked then and it sucks now.
• Boyz II Men – So Hard To Say Goodbye (To Yesterday): Yeah, this song worked for “Coolie High” in the movie but that was it. It didn’t need to be remade by every fucking R&B group with their fucking shirts off. How ironic that so many songs sung by niggas talk about “yesterday” but they always repeat the same fucking problems. What’s goin on? Now THAT’S a kickass song.
You should break out in the “Caramelldansen” dance. When they ask why, tell them they are being a fucking downer and nothing cheers you up like a good dance session. While they cry about how you are being insensitive, sing the song louder and dance even harder. If you have a Stormtrooper outfit, throw that bitch on!
If that doesn’t cheer them up, they should be your friend any-fucking-way. Real friends know that dancing is medicine for the soul. That and soju. Well, that soju and karaoke. Or dancing, soju AND karaoke! You know what? I think that is my plan for Friday, who’s down?! Anyway, just because a song is emotional to you doesn’t mean it is emotional to me or I have to give a fuck. “Somewhere Out There” from An American Tale brings a tear to my eye but you may not give two fucks. And I respect that, so respect that I cannot stand that shitty ass “Butterfly Kisses” song. You aren’t the only one, Zach. I feel your pain. Besides, gaining power from peoples sorrow is my thing.
Boiling Point #3: I Hate The Movies. So Much.
So we all have seen the commercials at the movies that preceded the trailers and all I have to say is that I have had enough. I need to find out how to stop this shit. Before The Dark Knight there was a JC Penny’s commercial that completely shit on one of the best movies of the 80’s (Not one of the overrated ones) in The Breakfast Club. The dude behind me lost his mind as did I but I could not force my anger out (I thought my head was going to explode) into words, rather sound effects and eventually lemmas breathing.
Why do I have to sit through commercials at the theater when it should be my solace from the dipshittery that is TV commercials? Now some will say that I don’t HAVE to watch them but think about it. Movie theaters intentionally over sell theaters (Because many people don’t show) which means that a high number of movies are at capacity seating in the theater. In order to get a decent seat you have to show up early or you will be stuck someplace with a horrible angle or next to some stupid ass kid and their parents that wont shut them the fuck up because they think that being a little shit is “spirited behavior” when it is really “piss poor parenting”. So in order to get adequate seating you have to show early and stay in the theater lest your seats be given away by the crack staff at your local movie house because that grade school education of theirs gives them the authority to tell the people that showed up ON TIME to move in to the center so the cockgobblers that showed up late can get the seats that they came early to get. Fuck you, fuck your commercials, fuck your theater, fuck your high prices, fuck your seat-whoring and most importantly fuck Front Row Joe’s furry ass. Fucking freaks. They are so lucky that I would have walked through Alabama tonguing down Carrie Underwood and back to see The Dark Knight or I would have left and pissed all over the walls of the bathroom and concession stands. After a plentiful meal of asparagus and beer, mind you. Sounds horrible but I am that pissed off.
Well, that is all for now. I am going to bed. Tomorrow is ABDC and there are only five left! I didn’t do my recap last week so I may do one tomorrow night real time, not sure yet. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out!
So I have a new idea for a post. Today rather than rant I have decided to just drop off some things that have been pissing me off for the last few days. So today I give you my first ever…
Chachi’s Boiling Points!
Here are some things I have wanted to rant about but don’t really care enough about to put a full fledged rant on.
Boiling Point #1: Fuck Brett Favre
I am getting really sick of this shit. I have never really been a Green Bay Packers fan although I have a lot more respect for their fan base than the Boston or New York City markets because they exude douchebag out of all their orifices and pores like asshole pheromones. However, I am not understanding the mancrush that people have for this cockmonger. Now there has been a growing sentiment among White sportscasters (And although I don’t like Skip Bayless he brought it up and I commend him for it) that Black people do not like Brett Favre and feel he gets a free pass from the media (ESPN, CBS Sportsline, NBC Sports, etc) and you know what? He fucking does. I personally don’t think he has earned the right to get the same passes that a Joe Montana or a Steve Young or a Troy Aikman have earned but all I have to say about it is this. Favre retired and wanted to come back. That is fine and dandy. However, this plea to the people is utter bullshit. He took his ball and went home now he wants back in. He has been threatening the retirement thing for about five years or so and each year he has the Packers get on their hands and knees and take it in the face and gangle the balls like Eva Angelina (She does GOOD WORK, by the way) for him to come back just to do it again. Well, Green Bay finally said to eat their ass and now he wants to come back. Fine, but guess what? You go where they WANT YOU TO GO, asshat. You are under contract and they can do with it as they please. You are not special. I am no quarterback and a lot of you people will say I don’t have a right to say any of this but as a sports fan whose dollars indirectly (Or in some cases directly) effect his pay I do believe it is my place.
Favre has not earned the right to hold the Green Bay Packers hostage with his douchery. Yes, he is holding them hostage because they are well within their legal rights to do what they are doing by not succumbing to his demands of a unconditional release because he is under contract and they don’t fucking have to! He should either honor his contract (Which no one wants to acknowledge. He is being a dick by not wanting to honor the contract AND putting the team under an unnescessary microscope) and compete for the starting job, a job that he would win hands down or he should go where they decide to trade him. That should be it. No one has earned the right to be a douche. Think about it, he isn’t even the best QB of his generation! All of these guys are ahead of him:
1. Troy Aikman (Three Super Bowl wins)
2. Steve Young (One Super Bowl win, one backup appearance)
3. Jim Kelly (Four Super Bowl apperances)
4. John Elway (Two Super Bowl wins)
Hell, even now he isn’t one of the top five in the league:
1. Tom Brady (Mo Bitches Brady, fool!)
2. Peyton Manning (Same amount of rings, will end up breaking Favre’s records)
3. Carson Palmer (You know, could end up being the best of the bunch if Chad Johnson gets his head out of his ass)
4. Eli Manning (They have the same amount of rings, bitches. KISS THE RING!)
5. Donovan McNabb (Won more games than Pac-Man in this era and has been to a Super Bowl. Too injury prone for my tastes)
6. Ben Rothlisberger (See Eli Manning. The only thing that can stop him is a motorcycle. And a motorcycle. ZING! Not cool, I’m sorry)
7. Matt Hasselbeck (He has been to a Super Bowl in the last fucking decade. Although I don’t believe he has beaten the Pack in the playoffs. Ooohhh, the drama!)
Understand me very clearly: I have no stake in this aside from the fact I am a fan of football and I for one could not give a rats ass whether he comes back or not. The NFL existed before Favre and will be here long after he thankfully dies. Isn’t this the same fucktard that almost drank his way out of the league? Maybe I don’t drink enough to understand alcoholism (I have a family FULL OF THEM and I just don’t get it but people are different) but if you drink enough to almost throw a football career away TWICE then fuck you. Seriously, fuck you and die. Now get addicted to crack cocaine and now we have a real story. If you have to drink 19 beers because you “can’t take the pressure” and become an addict then you are a fucking pussy. Now injecting heroin because you can’t take the fame of being a rockstar….that’s RAWK. Brett Farve is not rock, he is a cockmonger and I am tired of hearing about it inbred Mississippi ass. Go to fucking work and take your medicine for being a punk because you didn’t get your way. I hope you end up a fucking New York Jet.
Boiling Point #2: Sorry About Your Loss…..But Your Song Sucks.
Why do people get all pissy when I don’t cry like a webcam whore that got used by an unemployed high school dropout for anal when I hear one of those “sad songs?” I mean I DO NOT LIKE “Tears In Heaven” by Eric Clapton. It doesn’t make me evil and it doesn’t make me heartless. The fact that I think of kicking puppies into small children like Mario kicks Koopa shells into Goombas for 200 points each is evil and I admit that. But just because I hear a song that make YOU cry and I think it sucks and change the station doesn’t make me a bad person. It means I don’t give a fuck about your emotions or feelings and if you don’t know that about me by now then you will never, ever, ever, know me. Oooooohhhhhh. I mean I get a little choked up when I hear “Crucify My Love” by X-Japan:
Which in my opinion is one of the best ballads ever written. But you may not like it and that is quite fine because music is an aquired taste for some people. Yet, I am expected to turn into a blubbering teenage bitch at the end of “Titanic” whenever one of these songs come on. So I have a new rule, peeps. Whenever one of these songs comes on the radio, TV or someone else’s home:
• Five For Fighting – 100 Years: God, I really don’t like this song. Mainly because as a Black man I am expected to die at about 37 or some shit. 100 years to live my ass, honkey!
• Anything by Sarah McLaughlin or Tori Amos: Aren’t they the same minimally talented almost raped piano asshat? I’m not sure; I kind of zone out and think about kittens because I hate these two so much.
• The Fray – How To Save A Life: God damn it, I HATE THE MOTHER FUCKING FRAY! It is bad enough I saw them in Boulder in like…2000 or some shit but they have been running with that SAME FUCKING SONG FOR LIKE 500 MILLENIA! And the next person that says this song kept them from getting an abortion is getting punched the fucking stomach. The Fray doesn’t care! More dumbass babies equals more record sales! God, it’s all a plot you dipshits!
• Elton John – Candle In The Wind: Does it make me a bad person because I could care less about the memory of Princess Di and even LESS about this annoyingly stupid song? Why have a candle in the wind in the first fucking place? Get a god damn flashlight.
• The Beatles – Yesterday: FUCK. THE. BEATLES. The were a boy band and a lame one at that. I hate this song and the next person that covers this song should be shot in the fucking face. It sucked then and it sucks now.
• Boyz II Men – So Hard To Say Goodbye (To Yesterday): Yeah, this song worked for “Coolie High” in the movie but that was it. It didn’t need to be remade by every fucking R&B group with their fucking shirts off. How ironic that so many songs sung by niggas talk about “yesterday” but they always repeat the same fucking problems. What’s goin on? Now THAT’S a kickass song.
You should break out in the “Caramelldansen” dance. When they ask why, tell them they are being a fucking downer and nothing cheers you up like a good dance session. While they cry about how you are being insensitive, sing the song louder and dance even harder. If you have a Stormtrooper outfit, throw that bitch on!
If that doesn’t cheer them up, they should be your friend any-fucking-way. Real friends know that dancing is medicine for the soul. That and soju. Well, that soju and karaoke. Or dancing, soju AND karaoke! You know what? I think that is my plan for Friday, who’s down?! Anyway, just because a song is emotional to you doesn’t mean it is emotional to me or I have to give a fuck. “Somewhere Out There” from An American Tale brings a tear to my eye but you may not give two fucks. And I respect that, so respect that I cannot stand that shitty ass “Butterfly Kisses” song. You aren’t the only one, Zach. I feel your pain. Besides, gaining power from peoples sorrow is my thing.
Boiling Point #3: I Hate The Movies. So Much.
So we all have seen the commercials at the movies that preceded the trailers and all I have to say is that I have had enough. I need to find out how to stop this shit. Before The Dark Knight there was a JC Penny’s commercial that completely shit on one of the best movies of the 80’s (Not one of the overrated ones) in The Breakfast Club. The dude behind me lost his mind as did I but I could not force my anger out (I thought my head was going to explode) into words, rather sound effects and eventually lemmas breathing.
Why do I have to sit through commercials at the theater when it should be my solace from the dipshittery that is TV commercials? Now some will say that I don’t HAVE to watch them but think about it. Movie theaters intentionally over sell theaters (Because many people don’t show) which means that a high number of movies are at capacity seating in the theater. In order to get a decent seat you have to show up early or you will be stuck someplace with a horrible angle or next to some stupid ass kid and their parents that wont shut them the fuck up because they think that being a little shit is “spirited behavior” when it is really “piss poor parenting”. So in order to get adequate seating you have to show early and stay in the theater lest your seats be given away by the crack staff at your local movie house because that grade school education of theirs gives them the authority to tell the people that showed up ON TIME to move in to the center so the cockgobblers that showed up late can get the seats that they came early to get. Fuck you, fuck your commercials, fuck your theater, fuck your high prices, fuck your seat-whoring and most importantly fuck Front Row Joe’s furry ass. Fucking freaks. They are so lucky that I would have walked through Alabama tonguing down Carrie Underwood and back to see The Dark Knight or I would have left and pissed all over the walls of the bathroom and concession stands. After a plentiful meal of asparagus and beer, mind you. Sounds horrible but I am that pissed off.
Well, that is all for now. I am going to bed. Tomorrow is ABDC and there are only five left! I didn’t do my recap last week so I may do one tomorrow night real time, not sure yet. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out!
Monday, July 21, 2008
I Bring To Thee....Tidings Of Good Joy And Awesomeness!
Well people, The Wolven has gotten back from his multiple screenings of The Dark Knight to deliver his final rules for we Chachists to follow. So I give to you the last five of…
The Ten Commandments Of Chachism!
Commandment #6: Thou Shall NOT Engage In Any Forms Of Brodom.
A little known fact about The Wolven: he hates bros. Whether it be the Euro-Bro, the Real Bro (What bros can Black bros which just….makes me want to kill…), the GI Bro or the new one Prep-Bro he hates them all. Understand one thing, people. Being a bro is not a way of life, it is a way of douchedom. Turn your hat straight, turn off the Jack Johnson and for fucks sake flip your FUCKING COLLAR DOWN. Jackass.
Commandment # 7: Thou Shall Get Yourself Wicked Ink, As Long As It Isn’t Lame.
The Wolven is all about partying hard and rawking even harder but at the same time The Wolven is all about common sense. We that practice Chachism are seen as mean and uncaring because we think that people that do dumb shit deserve no sympathy. Now we believe that it is everyone’s right to get tattoos. Just be forewarned: unless your ink is straight up sick (For example Gary. HE HAS AN OCP TATTOO! TITS OR GTFO! The Wolven approves, Gar. He wants tattoos but he’s kind of furry. Doesn’t show up well) you will have your tattoo removed by the gnashing teeth and the flailing claws of the drunken wombat minions of the Lord of Chachism. You have to stand kind of still because drunk wombats have really poor depth perception but you get the idea. We don’t fuck around with people that have tribal band tattoos on their arms or ANYTHING on the small of your back. The Wolven doth not like that shit and he will not put up with it.
Commandment #8: Thou Shall Spare The Peanut Butter & Jelly…And Beat A Child With A Baseball Bat.
Now in Chachism, children are not to be heard. Well, unless they are screaming from a well deserved ass kicking. We live in a day and time where children have meals and networks solely for their enjoyment and The Wolven says to hell with that shit. You know what wolves do when they don’t eat their own young? They wear them out with a racetrack set! They don’t even have opposable thumbs and they beat their young! Why don’t others do the same? Aint a damn thing a right cross don’t fix. My grandfather said it, my momma said it and The Wolven says it. Besides, busting your kids (Or others kids. I think beating children should be a community event. Like a giant block party!) upside their head when they are young keeps the fear of The Wolven in them so they don’t bust a stranger upside their head in a robbery. Cosmic.
Commandment #9: Thou Shall Only Cheat If You Are Ready To Meet The Business End Of A Fist.
Now Chachism isn’t big on marriage as an institution but we do respect that fact. The Wolven personally believes that marriage should be reserved as a punishment for people that truly hate each other which goes against the norm but so does the worship of an eagle that transforms into a wolf. We in the Chachi Church believe that if you are enough of a fucktard to cheat on someone then you should be punished in the worst way possible: sex with this dude.
We believers of Chachism believe in fidelity. And hi-fidelity but mostly fidelity. Cheaters will get the business end of a pistol upside their dome-piece for being fucktards.
Commandment #10: Thou Shall Abide By Two Words: KEEP IT REAL!
In the end, The Wolven knows that Chachism isn’t for everyone. At the same time, all he wants is for people to restecpa each other. Isn’t that what religion is all about? Well….no but this one is. When the followers of Chachism will always keep it real with all the people out there as long as you stay true to yourself and know that Jesus was a Jew. He should have been a lot better with his money I would think. He could TOTALLY license the image of the cross for some phat Diddy cash. I digress. In the end, all The Wolven wants is for us to be cool with one another. Oh, and be of course get funky:
Oaktown 357 in effect!!
So now you know the simple rules you must consider to be a member of the Church of Chachi. Now we all know The Wolven isn’t big on rules (He voted against instant replay in the NFL and the new zone in the NBA) but if you don’t follow them….he will burn your craps….err…crops. Oh, and he will totally fuck up your shit with his eye lasers. I’ve seen it; he totally wrecked Stephen Baldwin’s house. Well, I will be back either tomorrow or Wednesday (Likely Wednesday) with an update. Until then, stay up and praise the Wolven!
Chachi Out.
The Ten Commandments Of Chachism!
Commandment #6: Thou Shall NOT Engage In Any Forms Of Brodom.
A little known fact about The Wolven: he hates bros. Whether it be the Euro-Bro, the Real Bro (What bros can Black bros which just….makes me want to kill…), the GI Bro or the new one Prep-Bro he hates them all. Understand one thing, people. Being a bro is not a way of life, it is a way of douchedom. Turn your hat straight, turn off the Jack Johnson and for fucks sake flip your FUCKING COLLAR DOWN. Jackass.
Commandment # 7: Thou Shall Get Yourself Wicked Ink, As Long As It Isn’t Lame.
The Wolven is all about partying hard and rawking even harder but at the same time The Wolven is all about common sense. We that practice Chachism are seen as mean and uncaring because we think that people that do dumb shit deserve no sympathy. Now we believe that it is everyone’s right to get tattoos. Just be forewarned: unless your ink is straight up sick (For example Gary. HE HAS AN OCP TATTOO! TITS OR GTFO! The Wolven approves, Gar. He wants tattoos but he’s kind of furry. Doesn’t show up well) you will have your tattoo removed by the gnashing teeth and the flailing claws of the drunken wombat minions of the Lord of Chachism. You have to stand kind of still because drunk wombats have really poor depth perception but you get the idea. We don’t fuck around with people that have tribal band tattoos on their arms or ANYTHING on the small of your back. The Wolven doth not like that shit and he will not put up with it.
Commandment #8: Thou Shall Spare The Peanut Butter & Jelly…And Beat A Child With A Baseball Bat.
Now in Chachism, children are not to be heard. Well, unless they are screaming from a well deserved ass kicking. We live in a day and time where children have meals and networks solely for their enjoyment and The Wolven says to hell with that shit. You know what wolves do when they don’t eat their own young? They wear them out with a racetrack set! They don’t even have opposable thumbs and they beat their young! Why don’t others do the same? Aint a damn thing a right cross don’t fix. My grandfather said it, my momma said it and The Wolven says it. Besides, busting your kids (Or others kids. I think beating children should be a community event. Like a giant block party!) upside their head when they are young keeps the fear of The Wolven in them so they don’t bust a stranger upside their head in a robbery. Cosmic.
Commandment #9: Thou Shall Only Cheat If You Are Ready To Meet The Business End Of A Fist.
Now Chachism isn’t big on marriage as an institution but we do respect that fact. The Wolven personally believes that marriage should be reserved as a punishment for people that truly hate each other which goes against the norm but so does the worship of an eagle that transforms into a wolf. We in the Chachi Church believe that if you are enough of a fucktard to cheat on someone then you should be punished in the worst way possible: sex with this dude.
We believers of Chachism believe in fidelity. And hi-fidelity but mostly fidelity. Cheaters will get the business end of a pistol upside their dome-piece for being fucktards.
Commandment #10: Thou Shall Abide By Two Words: KEEP IT REAL!
In the end, The Wolven knows that Chachism isn’t for everyone. At the same time, all he wants is for people to restecpa each other. Isn’t that what religion is all about? Well….no but this one is. When the followers of Chachism will always keep it real with all the people out there as long as you stay true to yourself and know that Jesus was a Jew. He should have been a lot better with his money I would think. He could TOTALLY license the image of the cross for some phat Diddy cash. I digress. In the end, all The Wolven wants is for us to be cool with one another. Oh, and be of course get funky:
Oaktown 357 in effect!!
So now you know the simple rules you must consider to be a member of the Church of Chachi. Now we all know The Wolven isn’t big on rules (He voted against instant replay in the NFL and the new zone in the NBA) but if you don’t follow them….he will burn your craps….err…crops. Oh, and he will totally fuck up your shit with his eye lasers. I’ve seen it; he totally wrecked Stephen Baldwin’s house. Well, I will be back either tomorrow or Wednesday (Likely Wednesday) with an update. Until then, stay up and praise the Wolven!
Chachi Out.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Bright Days, Dark Knights.
What is up, people?! Everything is a day late due to the awesomeness of The Dark Knight and having to see it twice but you know what? WELL WORTH IT! So for the first time in about a month, I give to you…
Master Chief Captain Chachi Goes Hollywood!
This Weeks Movie: “The Dark Knight”
Okay, let’s just get this out of the way. There were like….two bad things about this movie. Since everything else was mind-bogglingly awesome let’s get those out of the way:
CONS
Gargling With Marbles: So Christian Bale has done an awesome job with being both Bruce Wayne (Better than Michael Keaton) and a great PHYSICAL presence of Batman. However, Rick put it best when we were talking about the differences between “Batman Begins” and “Superman Returns”:
“Since when did Batman have a lisp?”
After listening to “The Dark Knight” (And thinking about “Batman Begins”) I realized that he is right. Now the mechanics of the suit (His nose is held in place to avoid being broken in falls and fights) I can understand some of why he sounds like Ja Rule but in extended sequences of dialog, it kind of wore on my nerves. I also know he had to disguise his voice but would it hurt to have done a Bobcat Golthwait impersonation? I kid, I kid.
The Heath Is….Gone: Now the ending of the film, which I will not ruin because it was AWESOME, would have been great if Heath Ledger lived. With his passing, the eventual third movie in the retooled Batman franchise is kind of left without a villain. Now they have a lot to work with (I was hoping for a DONE RIGHT Mr. Freeze combined with Deathstroke the Terminator or Deadshot (Although those would TOTALLY WORK for a sequel to Superman Returns if they do one. Slade has been way underrated in DC’s comics and misused since Identity Crisis when he owned the old school Justice League). Hell, I will write the plot right now!) but I still wish the ending was a tad different. But overall, I am not complaining due to the circumstances.
Now….for the infinite pros of The Dark Knight:
PROS
Why So Serious? Because It’s AWESOME: Okay, I had no less than three posts about how I was going to boycott “The Dark Knight” because of Heath Ledger’s performance. Hell, I even was going to create a mob to give him the business. Well, I am glad I didn’t because he put Jack Nicholson’s performance of the Clown Prince of Mayhem to shame. Now they were two different takes on the character but I believe that when compared against each other, Heath’s performance runs circles around Jack’s. His performance in my opinion may just be the best villain in cinema history. Better than Hannibal Lector and better than even Lord Zodd in Superman II (The benchmark for comic book villains). Even the takes by Ian McKellan of Magneto and Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor (An underrated performance, mind you) were nowhere near the Joker. He was insane at the same time as being cunning. He was irreverent at the same time as being a genius. He was quirky at the same time as being psychotic. Heath when from borderline hilarious to full on batshit crazy (Pun intended) and that is what made it awesome. In my view of the Joker, the only difference between he and Batman is the fact that Batman sees no joy in killing or anarchy. He uses his mind to help. The Joker uses his mind to create the joke that humans at their core are all like him…just a little strange.
It’s All About Pacing: Okay, I can honestly say there was never a point where I was bored in this movie. What got me is that The Dark Knight was only TWO MINUTES SHORTER than Superman Returns and at the hour and fifty minute mark I was rather bored (Ask Zach, I went to sleep) with the film because there had been no action. The film itself IMHO was very good but poorly paced between character building and action. The Dark Knight showed the Star Wars series (Too much crap), Spiderman series (Too much character building) and the Matrix series (Too much action) how it is done. Same for the X-Men series, which is the closest we have to a mix of plot and action (Especially X-Men United). Christopher Nolan was able to build The Joker, Harvey Dent AND Batman in two and a half hours with a hell of a lot of action tossed in there. Quite honestly, it was long and awesome. The pacing reminded me a lot of 300, in which as soon as you felt “Okay, this is enough character time” there was something blowing up or someone getting killed. Perfect all around.
Acting….It Is A Lost Artform: The performances of the first movie carried the film although everything about it was awesome. When you watch The Dark Knight, it is almost like the action and Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker overshadow that this movie had strong performances by every single cast member, even the auxiliary ones. From Michael Jai White (SPAWN, FOOLS!) to Tiny Lister they all had pivotal roles in moving the plot to its climax and ending. Unlike secondary characters in Spiderman, Superman Returns and even The Incredible Hulk (I could have done without Master Mind or whatever his name is as the scientist) that pulled the movie down a tad, EVERY CHARACTER in The Dark Knight played a purpose. Even the Wayne Industries employee that was a MINOR PLAYER became a major plot device by the end. That is a good movie, wrapping all aspects together in one story instead of having shock value.
Writing, It’s Not Just For Emo Kids: This was without a doubt the best dialogue I have heard in a movie in quite a long time. What got me was the back and forth between The Joker and Batman. Even if you aren’t a fan of the comic you could relate and even SIDE with The Joker about the nature of humans. The plot wrapped the concept of anarchy, truth, justice, insanity and even life’s plan into the story and was played out in three ways in the three main characters: order, anarchy and chance. Just listen to the scenes with Bruce Wayne and Harvey Dent or Bruce Wayne and Alfred. Some of those scenes felt like they were straight out of the comic book (Some actually were. Bonus points for those that recognized the ode to Jason Todd when Batman was getting served at the end with a pipe!) and it really gave the writing a feel that we only saw in (some parts) Iron Man and (in fewer parts) Spiderman.
THAT TRUCK FLIPPED THE FUCK OVER!: Okay, I will first say that nothing will EVER….and I mean EVER top the flight scenes in Superman Returns in mark-out value. Iron Man came close and Spidey webslinging was bad ass but all I can say is this: watching the action sequences in The Dark Knight came hella close. When Batman jumped off buildings, when he flipped over the truck and the WHOLE ENDING SEQUENCE were all visual masterpieces that totally captured what would happen in a Batman comic. The fight scenes were wrapped in realism which was good in some cases but in others it made them look to hard but that is because Batman is human and can’t toss cars. It really is why I believe that Batman has become more popular with people in the non-comic arena. He is just a rich man fighting crime and has nothing but his money and mind to stop evil. Surprisingly, all it takes is the human mind and a shitload of cash to deliver top notch thrills.
Okay, you KNOW what this movie is going to get and it is well deserved. This movie is twice as good as Batman Begins which is saying A LOT because that movie gave me faith in life again. All hyperbole aside, you need to see this movie if you like any kind of cinema. This broke box office records and the reason was because it transcends all ages, races, genres and sexes. I hated how all the movies this summer were geared toward markets (Sex In The City for women, Iron Man and Hellboy II for men, Kung Fu Panda and Wall-E for kids but Pixar movies are different) and yet The Dark Knight stood on the merit of great acting, a socially responsive story and characters that have stood the test of time since the 1930’s. Comic book fan or not, The Dark Knight is well worth any price (I have seen it three times and I don’t care what anyone says. It was that good) and yes….may be the most complete movie ever made. I went there. So if you haven’t guessed, The Dark Knight receives…
10 Out Of 10 Stars
(This movie, take away some major fanboy nit-picking is the best movie of 2008, the best movie of the 2000’s and may just be one of the greatest films created. It has everything and does it all well. If nothing else, see it for Heath Ledger’s haunting performance of a character that may be the most difficult to pull off the way he did. Rest in peace, Heath. You did an awesome job and I heard you were worried if fanboys would enjoy your rendition of The Joker. Take it from me….on behalf of all fanboys…you ARE The Joker. I hope you win the Oscar for Best Actor because THIS is how you define a character. Get off your ass and see this movie)
That is all for now. I am working on a rant as you read this and I will either put it up tonight or tomorrow afternoon. Until then, stay up. AND GO SEE THE DARK KNIGHT!!
Chachi Out.
Master Chief Captain Chachi Goes Hollywood!
This Weeks Movie: “The Dark Knight”
Okay, let’s just get this out of the way. There were like….two bad things about this movie. Since everything else was mind-bogglingly awesome let’s get those out of the way:
CONS
Gargling With Marbles: So Christian Bale has done an awesome job with being both Bruce Wayne (Better than Michael Keaton) and a great PHYSICAL presence of Batman. However, Rick put it best when we were talking about the differences between “Batman Begins” and “Superman Returns”:
“Since when did Batman have a lisp?”
After listening to “The Dark Knight” (And thinking about “Batman Begins”) I realized that he is right. Now the mechanics of the suit (His nose is held in place to avoid being broken in falls and fights) I can understand some of why he sounds like Ja Rule but in extended sequences of dialog, it kind of wore on my nerves. I also know he had to disguise his voice but would it hurt to have done a Bobcat Golthwait impersonation? I kid, I kid.
The Heath Is….Gone: Now the ending of the film, which I will not ruin because it was AWESOME, would have been great if Heath Ledger lived. With his passing, the eventual third movie in the retooled Batman franchise is kind of left without a villain. Now they have a lot to work with (I was hoping for a DONE RIGHT Mr. Freeze combined with Deathstroke the Terminator or Deadshot (Although those would TOTALLY WORK for a sequel to Superman Returns if they do one. Slade has been way underrated in DC’s comics and misused since Identity Crisis when he owned the old school Justice League). Hell, I will write the plot right now!) but I still wish the ending was a tad different. But overall, I am not complaining due to the circumstances.
Now….for the infinite pros of The Dark Knight:
PROS
Why So Serious? Because It’s AWESOME: Okay, I had no less than three posts about how I was going to boycott “The Dark Knight” because of Heath Ledger’s performance. Hell, I even was going to create a mob to give him the business. Well, I am glad I didn’t because he put Jack Nicholson’s performance of the Clown Prince of Mayhem to shame. Now they were two different takes on the character but I believe that when compared against each other, Heath’s performance runs circles around Jack’s. His performance in my opinion may just be the best villain in cinema history. Better than Hannibal Lector and better than even Lord Zodd in Superman II (The benchmark for comic book villains). Even the takes by Ian McKellan of Magneto and Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor (An underrated performance, mind you) were nowhere near the Joker. He was insane at the same time as being cunning. He was irreverent at the same time as being a genius. He was quirky at the same time as being psychotic. Heath when from borderline hilarious to full on batshit crazy (Pun intended) and that is what made it awesome. In my view of the Joker, the only difference between he and Batman is the fact that Batman sees no joy in killing or anarchy. He uses his mind to help. The Joker uses his mind to create the joke that humans at their core are all like him…just a little strange.
It’s All About Pacing: Okay, I can honestly say there was never a point where I was bored in this movie. What got me is that The Dark Knight was only TWO MINUTES SHORTER than Superman Returns and at the hour and fifty minute mark I was rather bored (Ask Zach, I went to sleep) with the film because there had been no action. The film itself IMHO was very good but poorly paced between character building and action. The Dark Knight showed the Star Wars series (Too much crap), Spiderman series (Too much character building) and the Matrix series (Too much action) how it is done. Same for the X-Men series, which is the closest we have to a mix of plot and action (Especially X-Men United). Christopher Nolan was able to build The Joker, Harvey Dent AND Batman in two and a half hours with a hell of a lot of action tossed in there. Quite honestly, it was long and awesome. The pacing reminded me a lot of 300, in which as soon as you felt “Okay, this is enough character time” there was something blowing up or someone getting killed. Perfect all around.
Acting….It Is A Lost Artform: The performances of the first movie carried the film although everything about it was awesome. When you watch The Dark Knight, it is almost like the action and Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker overshadow that this movie had strong performances by every single cast member, even the auxiliary ones. From Michael Jai White (SPAWN, FOOLS!) to Tiny Lister they all had pivotal roles in moving the plot to its climax and ending. Unlike secondary characters in Spiderman, Superman Returns and even The Incredible Hulk (I could have done without Master Mind or whatever his name is as the scientist) that pulled the movie down a tad, EVERY CHARACTER in The Dark Knight played a purpose. Even the Wayne Industries employee that was a MINOR PLAYER became a major plot device by the end. That is a good movie, wrapping all aspects together in one story instead of having shock value.
Writing, It’s Not Just For Emo Kids: This was without a doubt the best dialogue I have heard in a movie in quite a long time. What got me was the back and forth between The Joker and Batman. Even if you aren’t a fan of the comic you could relate and even SIDE with The Joker about the nature of humans. The plot wrapped the concept of anarchy, truth, justice, insanity and even life’s plan into the story and was played out in three ways in the three main characters: order, anarchy and chance. Just listen to the scenes with Bruce Wayne and Harvey Dent or Bruce Wayne and Alfred. Some of those scenes felt like they were straight out of the comic book (Some actually were. Bonus points for those that recognized the ode to Jason Todd when Batman was getting served at the end with a pipe!) and it really gave the writing a feel that we only saw in (some parts) Iron Man and (in fewer parts) Spiderman.
THAT TRUCK FLIPPED THE FUCK OVER!: Okay, I will first say that nothing will EVER….and I mean EVER top the flight scenes in Superman Returns in mark-out value. Iron Man came close and Spidey webslinging was bad ass but all I can say is this: watching the action sequences in The Dark Knight came hella close. When Batman jumped off buildings, when he flipped over the truck and the WHOLE ENDING SEQUENCE were all visual masterpieces that totally captured what would happen in a Batman comic. The fight scenes were wrapped in realism which was good in some cases but in others it made them look to hard but that is because Batman is human and can’t toss cars. It really is why I believe that Batman has become more popular with people in the non-comic arena. He is just a rich man fighting crime and has nothing but his money and mind to stop evil. Surprisingly, all it takes is the human mind and a shitload of cash to deliver top notch thrills.
Okay, you KNOW what this movie is going to get and it is well deserved. This movie is twice as good as Batman Begins which is saying A LOT because that movie gave me faith in life again. All hyperbole aside, you need to see this movie if you like any kind of cinema. This broke box office records and the reason was because it transcends all ages, races, genres and sexes. I hated how all the movies this summer were geared toward markets (Sex In The City for women, Iron Man and Hellboy II for men, Kung Fu Panda and Wall-E for kids but Pixar movies are different) and yet The Dark Knight stood on the merit of great acting, a socially responsive story and characters that have stood the test of time since the 1930’s. Comic book fan or not, The Dark Knight is well worth any price (I have seen it three times and I don’t care what anyone says. It was that good) and yes….may be the most complete movie ever made. I went there. So if you haven’t guessed, The Dark Knight receives…
10 Out Of 10 Stars
(This movie, take away some major fanboy nit-picking is the best movie of 2008, the best movie of the 2000’s and may just be one of the greatest films created. It has everything and does it all well. If nothing else, see it for Heath Ledger’s haunting performance of a character that may be the most difficult to pull off the way he did. Rest in peace, Heath. You did an awesome job and I heard you were worried if fanboys would enjoy your rendition of The Joker. Take it from me….on behalf of all fanboys…you ARE The Joker. I hope you win the Oscar for Best Actor because THIS is how you define a character. Get off your ass and see this movie)
That is all for now. I am working on a rant as you read this and I will either put it up tonight or tomorrow afternoon. Until then, stay up. AND GO SEE THE DARK KNIGHT!!
Chachi Out.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Sorry Peeps, But "The Dark Knight" Comes First...
Sorry about yesterday! I had to go to the greatest movieever made yesterday and I forgot to finish up! It is a day late, but it is time for the belated Friday staple!
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We begin this week with a shocking debut!
20. Fonzworth Bentley feat. Andre 3000 & Kanye West – Everybody [Don’t Stop] (New Entry)
….What in the hell?! That’s what I said, too! I have never been a fan of Fonzworth Bentley but when I first saw this video was blown away! I never thought I would see Kanye and Andre 3000 on the same song because my head would explode. But they have and it didn’t.
19. Aqua Timez - Niji (Last Week #14, Plunge of the Week)
Looks like Aqua Timez days on the Countdown are numbered. Quite a shame that this video didn’t achieve the success of “ALONES” but they aren’t going away anytime soon.
18. Lee Hyori – U Go Girl (New Entry)
Oh….my….damn. Hyori is back like cooked crack! After the debacle that was her “Dark Angel” album (Which I LOVED, mind you) she is finally back with a sexy new video and a hot new song. Hyori has been the one chink (NOT A SLUR! I SWEAR! Although she isn’t Chinese…) in my “I don’t like skinny chicks” armor and rightfully so. She has also worked on the dancing, too. She is no NaNa, but still. Welcome back, Hyo Ri!
17. RBD - Empezar Desde Cero (Last Week #20)
RBD moves up three spots this week! Anyone know when the RBD TV show (Not “Rebelde” the one where it is like a hot Partridge Family) is coming out on DVD?
16. Kelun – SIXTEEN GIRL (Last Week #12)
Kelun is the only artist with two videos on the Countdown this week and joins a long list of artists that has had that happen. However , Yui is the only artist to have THREE videos on here which is a feat that may never be matched.
15. Alicia Keys – Teenage Love Affair (Last Week #9, Plunge of the Week)
ALICIA HAS RELEASED A VIDEO FOR “SUPERWOMAN!” I just downloaded it, I will let you know what I think after I see it!
14. Toshinobu Kobuta feat. Misia - Flying Easy Loving Crazy (Last Week #11, Two Weeks at #1)
Where is your damn album?! I needs me a full dosage of TK!
13. Yui – Summer Song (Last Week #15)
So Yui looks to achieve her record SEVENTH Top 10 video! She moves up two spots this week and looks to have another contender for the Album of the Year Chachi Award. Can she finally win it? She was beat out by John Legend in 2006 and Kanye West (IN A CLOSE ONE) in 2007. Maybe this is her year!
12. Seamo feat Ayuse Kozue - Honey (Last Week #13)
Seaom is still hanging around, moving up one spot to number twelve. His album is pretty bad ass (I love “Cry Baby”) and he may be looking for an award. You have come a long way, sir.
11. Kelun – CHU-BURA (Last Week #18)
FUCK YEAH! The biggest song to hit the Countdown since “Hero’s Come Back!” jumps up a MASSIVE seven spots this week for Kelun! This lands him right outside of the Top Ten as he looks to join Usher, Yui, Alicia Keys and HIGH AND MIGHT COLOR as the only artists with two Top 10 videos in 2008. Big ass year for these guys!
10. BACK-ON – Sands of Time (Last Week #6)
After peaking right outside of the Top Five, BACK-ON begins our Top 10 this week. It was a fun ride for them but this won’t be the last time we hear from these guys. Guaranteed.
9. T.I. – No Matter What (Last Week #17, Biggest Mover)
Now for the biggest mover of the week! T.I. jumps a massive TWELVE SPOTS in the biggest jump in Countdown history to give him is sixth Top 10 video! The King is back and “Paper Trail” is looking to be an Album of the Year contender if he keeps this up! I am really feeling “Swing Ya Rag” as once again….Swiss Beatz gets me amped.
8. YA-KYIM – Super Looper (Last Week #5, Three Weeks at #1)
After a long run of two months in the Top Five, YA-KYIM finally falls out! It has been a big year and I am anxiously waiting for a new video from these ladies. I NEED ME SOME!
7. Ikimono-Gakari - Bluebird (Last Week #10)
Things are about to get interesting as Ikimono-Gakari moves up three big spots this week. We have T.I, Kelun and Hyori Lee with new videos so this will be a big summer for the Number One spot! Get ready for a rumble!
6. Wonder Girls – So Hot (Last Week #8)
So Wonder Girls are one step away from the Top Five this week. I wonder how they are going to follow this up because this song is as big in Korea as “Fly Me To The Moon” is in Japan. That is HUGE if you don’t get the reference. If you do, we should hang out.
5. Chris Brown - Forever (Last Week #3)
Chris Brown falls two spots this week as he fails to take the top spot! After two weeks at number three he fails to break through but stays in the Top Five. He us up here with some big dogs in the Countdown lore so it was an uphill battle.
4. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Hot Limit (Last Week #7)
HAMC are back near the top! Can this video do what “Amazing” failed to do against Bennie K and take the throne? I am all about this song (And the live performance of this song was very badass) but we are getting into some TOUGH territory! We are down to three!
3. Usher – Moving Mountains (Last Week #4)
And we start with the Ush! After several weeks of huge moves upward, Usher only jumps up one spot this week but he is into the Top Three once again! He is now making a push for the Artist of the Year but he will have to do a little better than number three to get it.
2. Paramore – That’s What You Get (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)
The run is over! After two well deserved weeks on the throne of the Countdown, Paramore falls a spot to number two! It has been a long trek of over a year and two failed attempts to take the crown but they finally did it! However, they fall this week which means we have a new number one video!
1. Game feat Keisha Cole – Pain (Last Week #2, One Week at #1)
West Coast is in effect! After three videos in the Top Three that failed to take the number one spot, The Game has finally become the champ! It has been a long road for The Game but he has the crown and it is well deserved! Even better, he has a video for “Dope Boyz” coming soon which mean “LAX” will be in the deck come August 26th. Until then, bask in the Game, bitches!
That is all for this week! Tune in next Friday (Back on schedule!) to see if The Game and Keisha Cole can make it two weeks in a row! Or can Paramore take back the top spot for rock? Or will Usher move the mountain one more time and get his second Number One video of 2008?
Alright, sorry about yesterday but I HAD TO SEE “THE DARK KNIGHT!” It is a beautiful Saturday so I am going to hop in the shower and run the streets of the CSP. I will definitely be back tomorrow. Until then, stay up peeps!
Chachi Out.
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We begin this week with a shocking debut!
20. Fonzworth Bentley feat. Andre 3000 & Kanye West – Everybody [Don’t Stop] (New Entry)
….What in the hell?! That’s what I said, too! I have never been a fan of Fonzworth Bentley but when I first saw this video was blown away! I never thought I would see Kanye and Andre 3000 on the same song because my head would explode. But they have and it didn’t.
19. Aqua Timez - Niji (Last Week #14, Plunge of the Week)
Looks like Aqua Timez days on the Countdown are numbered. Quite a shame that this video didn’t achieve the success of “ALONES” but they aren’t going away anytime soon.
18. Lee Hyori – U Go Girl (New Entry)
Oh….my….damn. Hyori is back like cooked crack! After the debacle that was her “Dark Angel” album (Which I LOVED, mind you) she is finally back with a sexy new video and a hot new song. Hyori has been the one chink (NOT A SLUR! I SWEAR! Although she isn’t Chinese…) in my “I don’t like skinny chicks” armor and rightfully so. She has also worked on the dancing, too. She is no NaNa, but still. Welcome back, Hyo Ri!
17. RBD - Empezar Desde Cero (Last Week #20)
RBD moves up three spots this week! Anyone know when the RBD TV show (Not “Rebelde” the one where it is like a hot Partridge Family) is coming out on DVD?
16. Kelun – SIXTEEN GIRL (Last Week #12)
Kelun is the only artist with two videos on the Countdown this week and joins a long list of artists that has had that happen. However , Yui is the only artist to have THREE videos on here which is a feat that may never be matched.
15. Alicia Keys – Teenage Love Affair (Last Week #9, Plunge of the Week)
ALICIA HAS RELEASED A VIDEO FOR “SUPERWOMAN!” I just downloaded it, I will let you know what I think after I see it!
14. Toshinobu Kobuta feat. Misia - Flying Easy Loving Crazy (Last Week #11, Two Weeks at #1)
Where is your damn album?! I needs me a full dosage of TK!
13. Yui – Summer Song (Last Week #15)
So Yui looks to achieve her record SEVENTH Top 10 video! She moves up two spots this week and looks to have another contender for the Album of the Year Chachi Award. Can she finally win it? She was beat out by John Legend in 2006 and Kanye West (IN A CLOSE ONE) in 2007. Maybe this is her year!
12. Seamo feat Ayuse Kozue - Honey (Last Week #13)
Seaom is still hanging around, moving up one spot to number twelve. His album is pretty bad ass (I love “Cry Baby”) and he may be looking for an award. You have come a long way, sir.
11. Kelun – CHU-BURA (Last Week #18)
FUCK YEAH! The biggest song to hit the Countdown since “Hero’s Come Back!” jumps up a MASSIVE seven spots this week for Kelun! This lands him right outside of the Top Ten as he looks to join Usher, Yui, Alicia Keys and HIGH AND MIGHT COLOR as the only artists with two Top 10 videos in 2008. Big ass year for these guys!
10. BACK-ON – Sands of Time (Last Week #6)
After peaking right outside of the Top Five, BACK-ON begins our Top 10 this week. It was a fun ride for them but this won’t be the last time we hear from these guys. Guaranteed.
9. T.I. – No Matter What (Last Week #17, Biggest Mover)
Now for the biggest mover of the week! T.I. jumps a massive TWELVE SPOTS in the biggest jump in Countdown history to give him is sixth Top 10 video! The King is back and “Paper Trail” is looking to be an Album of the Year contender if he keeps this up! I am really feeling “Swing Ya Rag” as once again….Swiss Beatz gets me amped.
8. YA-KYIM – Super Looper (Last Week #5, Three Weeks at #1)
After a long run of two months in the Top Five, YA-KYIM finally falls out! It has been a big year and I am anxiously waiting for a new video from these ladies. I NEED ME SOME!
7. Ikimono-Gakari - Bluebird (Last Week #10)
Things are about to get interesting as Ikimono-Gakari moves up three big spots this week. We have T.I, Kelun and Hyori Lee with new videos so this will be a big summer for the Number One spot! Get ready for a rumble!
6. Wonder Girls – So Hot (Last Week #8)
So Wonder Girls are one step away from the Top Five this week. I wonder how they are going to follow this up because this song is as big in Korea as “Fly Me To The Moon” is in Japan. That is HUGE if you don’t get the reference. If you do, we should hang out.
5. Chris Brown - Forever (Last Week #3)
Chris Brown falls two spots this week as he fails to take the top spot! After two weeks at number three he fails to break through but stays in the Top Five. He us up here with some big dogs in the Countdown lore so it was an uphill battle.
4. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Hot Limit (Last Week #7)
HAMC are back near the top! Can this video do what “Amazing” failed to do against Bennie K and take the throne? I am all about this song (And the live performance of this song was very badass) but we are getting into some TOUGH territory! We are down to three!
3. Usher – Moving Mountains (Last Week #4)
And we start with the Ush! After several weeks of huge moves upward, Usher only jumps up one spot this week but he is into the Top Three once again! He is now making a push for the Artist of the Year but he will have to do a little better than number three to get it.
2. Paramore – That’s What You Get (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)
The run is over! After two well deserved weeks on the throne of the Countdown, Paramore falls a spot to number two! It has been a long trek of over a year and two failed attempts to take the crown but they finally did it! However, they fall this week which means we have a new number one video!
1. Game feat Keisha Cole – Pain (Last Week #2, One Week at #1)
West Coast is in effect! After three videos in the Top Three that failed to take the number one spot, The Game has finally become the champ! It has been a long road for The Game but he has the crown and it is well deserved! Even better, he has a video for “Dope Boyz” coming soon which mean “LAX” will be in the deck come August 26th. Until then, bask in the Game, bitches!
That is all for this week! Tune in next Friday (Back on schedule!) to see if The Game and Keisha Cole can make it two weeks in a row! Or can Paramore take back the top spot for rock? Or will Usher move the mountain one more time and get his second Number One video of 2008?
Alright, sorry about yesterday but I HAD TO SEE “THE DARK KNIGHT!” It is a beautiful Saturday so I am going to hop in the shower and run the streets of the CSP. I will definitely be back tomorrow. Until then, stay up peeps!
Chachi Out.
Friday, July 18, 2008
I Am Now Pregnant With Christan Bale's Love Child.
I know, I said I was going to see The Dark Knight at 7:45 tonight (Which I still am. I got a comped ticket from buying the Justice League DVD earlier this year. SWEET!) but I couldn’t wait. I had to see it this afternoon after my interview. Understand this...right now....
GREATEST. FUCKING. MOVIE. EVER. CREATED. NOT. STARRING. LO PAN.
Nay, dare I say The Joker was more kick ass than Lo Pan. I know, I am shocked to say it too! Once you come to grips that it is about 2 and a half hours of non-stop awesomeness you realize you have just seen Heath Ledger redefine what it means to be not evil, but a villain. You just...have to see it. If you read "The Killing Joke" then you know how the performance will be. If you didn’t, you will be blown away by how he does this. I again take back all the bad things I said about him after "Casanova" because he fucking RAWKED this movie.
Only bad part: Christian Bale sounds like he gargled with a porcupine when he is Batman. Not really bad as much as you have to look deep as shit for the flaws. BIG UPS TO THE ORACLE SHOUT OUT! In other words, get up and see this movie....right the fuck now.
Oh, and for the uber-nerds out there….BASK IN THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS “WATCHMEN!!!”
Two words: FUCK and YEAH.
Full review on Sunday. Gives me time to clean myself up.
Chachi Out.
GREATEST. FUCKING. MOVIE. EVER. CREATED. NOT. STARRING. LO PAN.
Nay, dare I say The Joker was more kick ass than Lo Pan. I know, I am shocked to say it too! Once you come to grips that it is about 2 and a half hours of non-stop awesomeness you realize you have just seen Heath Ledger redefine what it means to be not evil, but a villain. You just...have to see it. If you read "The Killing Joke" then you know how the performance will be. If you didn’t, you will be blown away by how he does this. I again take back all the bad things I said about him after "Casanova" because he fucking RAWKED this movie.
Only bad part: Christian Bale sounds like he gargled with a porcupine when he is Batman. Not really bad as much as you have to look deep as shit for the flaws. BIG UPS TO THE ORACLE SHOUT OUT! In other words, get up and see this movie....right the fuck now.
Oh, and for the uber-nerds out there….BASK IN THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS “WATCHMEN!!!”
Two words: FUCK and YEAH.
Full review on Sunday. Gives me time to clean myself up.
Chachi Out.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
And It Shall Become, So Says The Muthafuckin' Wolven.
What is up, people?! I am back after a hiatus (Yesterday I was tired as all fuck so I didn’t post. Sorry but my health comes first) and first off I have to say things:
FUCK COLORADO SPRINGS.
Last night at like 3AM the power went out. I checked the breaker and no switches flipped or fuses blew so I looked outside and the WHOLE BLOCK WAS OUT. What the fuck?! This isn’t Chicago or New York City so I see no real need for a brownout. It isn’t like they aren’t charging out of the ass for utilities; just upgrade the fucking grid! Asshats.
So after the popularity of my Random Thoughts (Big ups to Commander Boogeyman and the four anonymous Blogger people for the comments. Restecpa!) I think I am going to do another one when the beat hits me. They ARE random thoughts, right? However, I do want to touch on something I posted in my “Passion of Chachi Omnibus: Year In Review.” I think that people have gotten real….stupid about a lot of things since 2000. This is by far the worst decade I have been a part of. Yes, including the fucked up 90’s. Any era where Ace of Base is considered “good” is not a good one. I have really had enough of faux lesbians, bros, Black people complaining about being held down when they don’t even have a tie, women complaining about being held down when they laid on their back in the first place (BURN, WHORES!) and of course the douchification of teenagers. You know what they need? Religion. But not just any religion….
CHACHISM!
Yes, starting today I will be the prophet for the words of the great Chachi (As spoken to by the Wolven) as he unleashes his anger upon the people that have not followed his rules and regulations! And people….HE IS PISSED!
I mean real pissed. I haven’t seen him this mad since they cancelled “Undergrads”:
His anger gave us Flavor Of Love, you know. So, let the Wolven’s words be spoken through me as I am nothing more than a vessel and his unpaid labor…like Farnsworth Bentley was to P. Diddy. I now give you…
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CHACHISM!
Today I shall give you the first five! Not because they are on tablets, but because The Wolven only gave me five. He’s kind of a jerk like that sometimes but he has claws and fangs and eyelasers so I don’t question it. Whenever I do, he destroys my craps. Err….crops.
Commandment #1: Thou Shall Worship Any God, Just Know He Is A Cockmonger
You see, in Chachism you are free to believe in any other bullshit God you believe in. Whether you are a Christian, Muslim, Heeb or even believe in Mormon Jesus (A little shorter than regular Jesus) you are free to practice Chachism. However, by not believing in the Wolven as the one and only true creator of life and destroyer or worlds….he is going to fuck your shit up. How do you ask? By sending KENTA after your bitch ass:
GTS, MOTHERCUNTS! That means “Go 2 Sleep” for the plebeians. We followers of Chachism believe that aside from Scientology, whatever you believe in that makes you a better person is quite alright. Just understand that it belongs in your own fucking home. No one cares if you love Jesus. If he was so damn great, why didn’t he create wine and cheese? Or break dancing? The Wolven not only invented those things, he also invented the Peanut Butter Jelly Time dance. That alone is worthy of worship. However, the Wolven doesn’t NEED your worship because unlike Jesus’ punk ass, the Wolven is knee deep in bitches right now and giving them a deep dicking. One is your girlfriend, wife AND mother and he and Buddha are breaking her in like shoes on a fat chick. Amee Donavan style. So feel free to believe in your religion, just for awesomeness recognize that it’s either the Wolven, TITS OR GTFO!
Commandment #2: Thou Shall Drink Excessively, But All Rights Shall Be Revoked Within Acts Of Douchery.
The Wolven loves his liquor, even more than he loves the ladies. Mainly because with enough liquor and Rohypnol (Ruffies for those that believe in the law….pussies) any lady will let you love her. In the butt, because we all know that what, what is in the butt?
Love is in the butt. Now the Wolven is about the liquor, but he is also about common sense and moderation. You see, the Wolven sees how liquor is used as a crutch for being stupid and he is irate at you human shits. You see, just because you were drunk does NOT absolve you of stupidity. The Wolven believes that alcohol consumption is a right, not a privilege. You misuse that right then we in Chachism believe that the only choice we have…is to kill you. In the most painful ways possible.
Commandment #3: Thou Shall Respect The Porn Star.
The Wolven believes that porn is the spirit of life. Porn stars are the REAL ONES defending our freedom because when you think about it, without porn the Japanese, Germans, Koreans and Russians would be batshit crazier and probably started WWIII already. Hell, the Middle East rejects porn and look at them. THEY ARE FUCKING NUTS! Porn makes awesome men gods, normal men sane and crazy motherfuckers from using guns and bombs. Better to have their hands on their wangs and a mouse than holding a baby and a detonator, right? Exactly. The Wolven does have his issues with hypocrites and asshats. So for all the hater bitches and hater Jesus freaks that say that porn stars are nothing but whores, you will be killed. Especially women because you are the New England Patriots of haters. Porn stars are the REAL heroes as they do the gangbangs and take the money shots so you don’t have to. You should be down on your knees either sucking a wang (Which…you know, the Wolven believes is the only way you will get into Happy Action Funtime Heaven) or praying to the Wolven in thanks that Sasha Grey exists:
Whoa…..the Wolven thinks Sasha Grey should be a prophet for Chachism. I have seen that woman do things that will turn your world asunder and make you question everything you ever believed in. Some of what she does makes me have to go pray. And I am a pervert. Aren’t YOU glad that you don’t have to do what she does and your boyfriend or husband watches porn to get that out? You should worship them, as the Wolven created porn stars for all of us to be happy. Thank you, Wolven!
Commandment #4: Thou Shalt RAWK THE FUCK OUT!
If there is one thing the Chachism is about, it is RAWK. The Wolven rocks out with his cock out at least four times a week and when he does, you better believe that he is listening to music at levels that would cause the human head to explode after five seconds. No shitty Christian rock for the Chachists out there as we only listen to the rawkingest of jams. Unless it is:
Maximum The Hormone: J-Thrash, Ball-Busting, Face-Mangling AWESOMENESS
Mindless Self-Indulgence: Hip-Hop, Industrial, 80’s Rock…Fuck it, THEY JUST KICK ASS
Ronnie James Dio: HOLY DIVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Then you suck ass. Seriously, you suck ass and take a dirtpipe milkshake and roman shower at the same time. Look it up…they aint pretty. The Wolven DOTH NOT APPROVE!
Commandment #5: Thou Shall Not Dress In What Does Not Flatter
Understand one thing right now: The Wolven loves the ladies. In all shapes and sizes the Wolven believes that you all need the sweet, sweet loving. However, with that being said he also believes in practicality. If your ass is wearing something that doesn’t cover your ass then you really need to get clothes that fit or accept the fact that you shouldn’t be wearing it. Now the Wolven chose a heavy set man (Yours truly in all of his chocolaty thunder and sexiness) to spread his word and I know that I need to put on a good fashion front. So why do women find it necessary to wear clothes that arent even suited for skinny women? The Wolven does not approve and he will not stand for it. There will be swift punishment for women that disobey the rules of fashion. For men, also so don’t think you get off easy. First off, it is OKAY by The Wolven if you want to wear a t-shirt with a cartoon character on it. He is a fan of the 80’s especially BraveStarr:
Just make sure the t-shirt FUCKING FITS. As a matter of fact, make sure all your clothes fit. Occasional slip ups aside, you know GOD DAMN WELL you shouldn’t be in your little brothers shirt. You may have muscles and it is fine to show them. But wearing clothes that don’t fit when you are skinny enough to have all the sizes you need in your department means there is no excuse for wearing an extra medium shirt. The Wolven doesn’t approve and once he comes back he is going to rip your fucking arms off and drink the juice from inside. He does NOT fuck around with asshole douches!
The Wolven has spoken to you through me! When he gets back from hanging out with David Bowie on Alderan I will have the last five of his Commandments for you. Until then, tune in tomorrow when I WILL have an update about…something. Until then, PRAISE THE WOLVEN!
Chachi Out.
FUCK COLORADO SPRINGS.
Last night at like 3AM the power went out. I checked the breaker and no switches flipped or fuses blew so I looked outside and the WHOLE BLOCK WAS OUT. What the fuck?! This isn’t Chicago or New York City so I see no real need for a brownout. It isn’t like they aren’t charging out of the ass for utilities; just upgrade the fucking grid! Asshats.
So after the popularity of my Random Thoughts (Big ups to Commander Boogeyman and the four anonymous Blogger people for the comments. Restecpa!) I think I am going to do another one when the beat hits me. They ARE random thoughts, right? However, I do want to touch on something I posted in my “Passion of Chachi Omnibus: Year In Review.” I think that people have gotten real….stupid about a lot of things since 2000. This is by far the worst decade I have been a part of. Yes, including the fucked up 90’s. Any era where Ace of Base is considered “good” is not a good one. I have really had enough of faux lesbians, bros, Black people complaining about being held down when they don’t even have a tie, women complaining about being held down when they laid on their back in the first place (BURN, WHORES!) and of course the douchification of teenagers. You know what they need? Religion. But not just any religion….
CHACHISM!
Yes, starting today I will be the prophet for the words of the great Chachi (As spoken to by the Wolven) as he unleashes his anger upon the people that have not followed his rules and regulations! And people….HE IS PISSED!
I mean real pissed. I haven’t seen him this mad since they cancelled “Undergrads”:
His anger gave us Flavor Of Love, you know. So, let the Wolven’s words be spoken through me as I am nothing more than a vessel and his unpaid labor…like Farnsworth Bentley was to P. Diddy. I now give you…
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CHACHISM!
Today I shall give you the first five! Not because they are on tablets, but because The Wolven only gave me five. He’s kind of a jerk like that sometimes but he has claws and fangs and eyelasers so I don’t question it. Whenever I do, he destroys my craps. Err….crops.
Commandment #1: Thou Shall Worship Any God, Just Know He Is A Cockmonger
You see, in Chachism you are free to believe in any other bullshit God you believe in. Whether you are a Christian, Muslim, Heeb or even believe in Mormon Jesus (A little shorter than regular Jesus) you are free to practice Chachism. However, by not believing in the Wolven as the one and only true creator of life and destroyer or worlds….he is going to fuck your shit up. How do you ask? By sending KENTA after your bitch ass:
GTS, MOTHERCUNTS! That means “Go 2 Sleep” for the plebeians. We followers of Chachism believe that aside from Scientology, whatever you believe in that makes you a better person is quite alright. Just understand that it belongs in your own fucking home. No one cares if you love Jesus. If he was so damn great, why didn’t he create wine and cheese? Or break dancing? The Wolven not only invented those things, he also invented the Peanut Butter Jelly Time dance. That alone is worthy of worship. However, the Wolven doesn’t NEED your worship because unlike Jesus’ punk ass, the Wolven is knee deep in bitches right now and giving them a deep dicking. One is your girlfriend, wife AND mother and he and Buddha are breaking her in like shoes on a fat chick. Amee Donavan style. So feel free to believe in your religion, just for awesomeness recognize that it’s either the Wolven, TITS OR GTFO!
Commandment #2: Thou Shall Drink Excessively, But All Rights Shall Be Revoked Within Acts Of Douchery.
The Wolven loves his liquor, even more than he loves the ladies. Mainly because with enough liquor and Rohypnol (Ruffies for those that believe in the law….pussies) any lady will let you love her. In the butt, because we all know that what, what is in the butt?
Love is in the butt. Now the Wolven is about the liquor, but he is also about common sense and moderation. You see, the Wolven sees how liquor is used as a crutch for being stupid and he is irate at you human shits. You see, just because you were drunk does NOT absolve you of stupidity. The Wolven believes that alcohol consumption is a right, not a privilege. You misuse that right then we in Chachism believe that the only choice we have…is to kill you. In the most painful ways possible.
Commandment #3: Thou Shall Respect The Porn Star.
The Wolven believes that porn is the spirit of life. Porn stars are the REAL ONES defending our freedom because when you think about it, without porn the Japanese, Germans, Koreans and Russians would be batshit crazier and probably started WWIII already. Hell, the Middle East rejects porn and look at them. THEY ARE FUCKING NUTS! Porn makes awesome men gods, normal men sane and crazy motherfuckers from using guns and bombs. Better to have their hands on their wangs and a mouse than holding a baby and a detonator, right? Exactly. The Wolven does have his issues with hypocrites and asshats. So for all the hater bitches and hater Jesus freaks that say that porn stars are nothing but whores, you will be killed. Especially women because you are the New England Patriots of haters. Porn stars are the REAL heroes as they do the gangbangs and take the money shots so you don’t have to. You should be down on your knees either sucking a wang (Which…you know, the Wolven believes is the only way you will get into Happy Action Funtime Heaven) or praying to the Wolven in thanks that Sasha Grey exists:
Whoa…..the Wolven thinks Sasha Grey should be a prophet for Chachism. I have seen that woman do things that will turn your world asunder and make you question everything you ever believed in. Some of what she does makes me have to go pray. And I am a pervert. Aren’t YOU glad that you don’t have to do what she does and your boyfriend or husband watches porn to get that out? You should worship them, as the Wolven created porn stars for all of us to be happy. Thank you, Wolven!
Commandment #4: Thou Shalt RAWK THE FUCK OUT!
If there is one thing the Chachism is about, it is RAWK. The Wolven rocks out with his cock out at least four times a week and when he does, you better believe that he is listening to music at levels that would cause the human head to explode after five seconds. No shitty Christian rock for the Chachists out there as we only listen to the rawkingest of jams. Unless it is:
Maximum The Hormone: J-Thrash, Ball-Busting, Face-Mangling AWESOMENESS
Mindless Self-Indulgence: Hip-Hop, Industrial, 80’s Rock…Fuck it, THEY JUST KICK ASS
Ronnie James Dio: HOLY DIVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Then you suck ass. Seriously, you suck ass and take a dirtpipe milkshake and roman shower at the same time. Look it up…they aint pretty. The Wolven DOTH NOT APPROVE!
Commandment #5: Thou Shall Not Dress In What Does Not Flatter
Understand one thing right now: The Wolven loves the ladies. In all shapes and sizes the Wolven believes that you all need the sweet, sweet loving. However, with that being said he also believes in practicality. If your ass is wearing something that doesn’t cover your ass then you really need to get clothes that fit or accept the fact that you shouldn’t be wearing it. Now the Wolven chose a heavy set man (Yours truly in all of his chocolaty thunder and sexiness) to spread his word and I know that I need to put on a good fashion front. So why do women find it necessary to wear clothes that arent even suited for skinny women? The Wolven does not approve and he will not stand for it. There will be swift punishment for women that disobey the rules of fashion. For men, also so don’t think you get off easy. First off, it is OKAY by The Wolven if you want to wear a t-shirt with a cartoon character on it. He is a fan of the 80’s especially BraveStarr:
Just make sure the t-shirt FUCKING FITS. As a matter of fact, make sure all your clothes fit. Occasional slip ups aside, you know GOD DAMN WELL you shouldn’t be in your little brothers shirt. You may have muscles and it is fine to show them. But wearing clothes that don’t fit when you are skinny enough to have all the sizes you need in your department means there is no excuse for wearing an extra medium shirt. The Wolven doesn’t approve and once he comes back he is going to rip your fucking arms off and drink the juice from inside. He does NOT fuck around with asshole douches!
The Wolven has spoken to you through me! When he gets back from hanging out with David Bowie on Alderan I will have the last five of his Commandments for you. Until then, tune in tomorrow when I WILL have an update about…something. Until then, PRAISE THE WOLVEN!
Chachi Out.
Monday, July 14, 2008
And Now, We Return To The Regularly Scheduled Crap.
What is up, bitches! I am back for a Monday update after a little bit of soju and a lot of angst. Not sure why, but people are pissing me off as of late. First off, I want to thank everyone that read the Omnibus Trilogy over the weekend. Over 150 people read the thing which for me is a lot seeing as I know about seven people total. I thank all of you. Except for YOU. And you know who you are. There is a vowel in your name…you always wear a hat. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Now for some random shit.
Chachi’s Random Thoughts
1. What if sperm had the consistency and taste of blue cheese dressing? I think women wouldn’t complain about swallowing so much, but wouldn’t it hurt coming out?
2. Abortions should be a rite of passage, like a sweet sixteen, bris or doing karaoke to Journey. People complain about how abortion is murder. So the fuck what? The more babies in the world, the higher gas prices go because their parents have to shuttle them around. Also, the sale of alcohol will go up because beating children for being dipshits is frowned upon. Let’s not even talk about the time it will take for Santa to deliver more presents for more kids. That’s China’s fault.
3. I wish I were a kitten. They just seem like they have it all figured out from birth. Except how to get out of a paper bag. That eludes them till their death. In a cat’s defense, paper bags are a bitch to get out of.
4. David Bowie was, is and always will be a FUCKING TREND SETTER. To all you bitches that have the audacity and lack or understanding of the awesome:
5. I hate weed commercials. They always have people getting up and doing stupid shit as a parallel smoking weed. Those people are smoking some really shitty weed. Good weed has you so high that you believe that you just saved the Princess when you haven’t left your seat. I gets high, nigga! Just playin.
6. Soju is the reason why Korea puts up with their own weirdness. After two bottles of soju I puts up with a lot of shit. Because that shit is awesome! And it tastes like rape! I mean if rape had a taste….
7. I need a cigarette. Seriously, I want anyone who has ever BEEN in a “Truth” commercial (The shitty ones about smoking), watched a Truth commercial and believed it or ever quoted anything from the commercial and expected something other than being beaten to death with a golf club and had tobacco leaves shoved up their ass to fucking die. People smoke because they fucking want to. There is a lot of uninhabited parts of America so if you don’t like smoking go find one of those areas, shoot yourself in the fucking head and die because if other people smoking is your biggest issue in life you deserve to fucking die. I hate you, your children, your family and your hamster. Your cat and dog are cool.
8. Smart and funny women are hard to find. When you DO find them, they are usually dating a douchebag, a bro, a hippie or a douchebag hippie bro. Makes them feel better about themselves. I understand; I had the phase where I hung out with people fatter than me so I could get the chicks. On the other hand, if they are dating a douchebag hippie bro they can’t be that smart, right?
9. If you drive a Prius you are a notch below people that own Scions. You pretentious pussies aren’t saving the world with your car any more so than I am by setting trees on fire and using aerosol cans for EVERYTHING. Just because you drive an “eco-friendly” car doesn’t mean that you are any better than Hitler. He believed in hybrid tanks. Congrats hippie pussy douchebag tree-fucker, you are no better than Hitler. That dick used GAS ovens! Fuck an ozone layer!
10. Lastly….Nolan was right. The mall punk chic look is kind of fucking hot:
Man, Dulce Maria is so damn fine. It's like she is saying "I'm naughty and need to be punished, but I also like Orange Julius." Don't we all, baby. Don't we all.
Well, that is all for now. I will be back soon for….something. Until then, here is some more Dulce Maria:
Greatest. DVD. Ever.
Chachi Out.
Chachi’s Random Thoughts
1. What if sperm had the consistency and taste of blue cheese dressing? I think women wouldn’t complain about swallowing so much, but wouldn’t it hurt coming out?
2. Abortions should be a rite of passage, like a sweet sixteen, bris or doing karaoke to Journey. People complain about how abortion is murder. So the fuck what? The more babies in the world, the higher gas prices go because their parents have to shuttle them around. Also, the sale of alcohol will go up because beating children for being dipshits is frowned upon. Let’s not even talk about the time it will take for Santa to deliver more presents for more kids. That’s China’s fault.
3. I wish I were a kitten. They just seem like they have it all figured out from birth. Except how to get out of a paper bag. That eludes them till their death. In a cat’s defense, paper bags are a bitch to get out of.
4. David Bowie was, is and always will be a FUCKING TREND SETTER. To all you bitches that have the audacity and lack or understanding of the awesome:
5. I hate weed commercials. They always have people getting up and doing stupid shit as a parallel smoking weed. Those people are smoking some really shitty weed. Good weed has you so high that you believe that you just saved the Princess when you haven’t left your seat. I gets high, nigga! Just playin.
6. Soju is the reason why Korea puts up with their own weirdness. After two bottles of soju I puts up with a lot of shit. Because that shit is awesome! And it tastes like rape! I mean if rape had a taste….
7. I need a cigarette. Seriously, I want anyone who has ever BEEN in a “Truth” commercial (The shitty ones about smoking), watched a Truth commercial and believed it or ever quoted anything from the commercial and expected something other than being beaten to death with a golf club and had tobacco leaves shoved up their ass to fucking die. People smoke because they fucking want to. There is a lot of uninhabited parts of America so if you don’t like smoking go find one of those areas, shoot yourself in the fucking head and die because if other people smoking is your biggest issue in life you deserve to fucking die. I hate you, your children, your family and your hamster. Your cat and dog are cool.
8. Smart and funny women are hard to find. When you DO find them, they are usually dating a douchebag, a bro, a hippie or a douchebag hippie bro. Makes them feel better about themselves. I understand; I had the phase where I hung out with people fatter than me so I could get the chicks. On the other hand, if they are dating a douchebag hippie bro they can’t be that smart, right?
9. If you drive a Prius you are a notch below people that own Scions. You pretentious pussies aren’t saving the world with your car any more so than I am by setting trees on fire and using aerosol cans for EVERYTHING. Just because you drive an “eco-friendly” car doesn’t mean that you are any better than Hitler. He believed in hybrid tanks. Congrats hippie pussy douchebag tree-fucker, you are no better than Hitler. That dick used GAS ovens! Fuck an ozone layer!
10. Lastly….Nolan was right. The mall punk chic look is kind of fucking hot:
Man, Dulce Maria is so damn fine. It's like she is saying "I'm naughty and need to be punished, but I also like Orange Julius." Don't we all, baby. Don't we all.
Well, that is all for now. I will be back soon for….something. Until then, here is some more Dulce Maria:
Greatest. DVD. Ever.
Chachi Out.
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