Fuck George Lucas. Fuck him in his stupid head. Or maybe it was Spielberg's fault. He did do "A.I." so he is known to suck a donkey dick or two. Way to piss on one of the greatest action heroes of all time, Steve. Since when could monkeys intelligently distinguish good from evil? Most importantly...
ALIENS? MOTHERFUCKING ALIENS?! WHAT IN THE GOD DAMN HELL MAN?!
Where in the hell did the budget go? I saw better CGI in the commercials for "Sex In The City" that made Kim Cattrall look under the age of 90 and Sarah Jessica Parker look like a FUCKING HUMAN. This movie was just plain average bordering on bad. there was no middle ground and that was the bad part. Let me tell you some of the suck in this movie:
- Aliens (I am so cereal right now! I expected a fucking Wookie to run out)
- Killer ants (Whether real or not...once again how could they distinguish good from evil?)
- Ancient Mayans....waiting for centuries in one spot on a wall to attack Indy and his greaser son (Yes, Shia is his FUCKING KID. Shut the fuck up about the spoiler, I saved you $8.50. Suck my balls)
- ALIENS?!
- Russians (I mean come on. They couldn't have used Peruvians? They were fucking there already. Or hell, the swarthy ass Turks?! If anyone needs an ass kicking its those worthless fuckers)
- Really bad action sequences (Gone are the edge of your seat thrills. In are stolen fights from Pirates of the Carribean, Aliens vs. Predator and of course Rocky IV. Except there was a Black person in that movie. Racist bastard fuck George Lucas is)
- WORST ENDING EVER (Wasnt that in Close Encounters of the Third Kind? And Contact? And Mars Attacks?! MOTHER FUCKER!)
- Surviving a nuclear blast in a refrigerator (I...I....this was fucking dumb on so many levels that I cant even choose one right now)
- The Ark (Motherfucker. MOTHERFUCKER! YOU PISS ON MY CHILDHOOD! IN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES)
- Crystal isnt magnetic! (Was this shit ever explained? Plot hole big enough to fit George Lucas's ass through. With enough space for Peter Jackson and Uwe Boll)
- Shia LeBeouf (I just...I just dont like him. I dont know why, but I think I liked him better on Even Stevens. Now THAT was good watching)
- MOTHER FUCKING ALIENS!! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!
- The music is the SAME FUCKING SONG! (I love the Indiana Jones theme as much as the next guy. But it was the background music for EVERY-FUCKING-THING! Sad, happy, angry, vexed, confused, hungry. All emotions were contained in that one song. They did it on Power Rangers but Indiana Jones IS NOT THE FUCKING POWER RANGERS!)
Overall, there was nothing about this movie I can sit back and say I liked. There was a lot of shit that made me want to kill a puppy and a lot of "meh" action in it. The good parts (the ending sequence until we saw it was the fucking Millenium Falcon, the motorcycle chase scene in the school because nothing is better than freaking out the white folk) weren't even GOOD as much as they were departures from the pain that was the rest of the fucking movie. It was like being gang raped at a frat party but they give you a glass of eggnog because it's Christmas time. Eggnog is good, but it can't take away from the fact that you are being violated in all viable holes by drunken Jack Johnson fans. And I loves me some eggnog; as Joey would say it's liquid glory.
In the end I, I feel like this movie started off with a subtle premise of a mysterious skull with uber-cool powers. And then, Spielberg and Lucas jizzed all over that bitch with shitty action sequences, POOR DIALOGUE and a plot that bashed you in the head and had less suspense than a Belladonna porn: at some point, you know it's going in her ass. We all knew the aliens were coming and when it did, it was all over our faces. Why is George Lucas allowed to make movies? Isn't all ever he did by himself the Star Wars saga? He was only hitting at a 50% success rate there any-fucking-way! UWE BOLL HAS MADE MORE MOVIES THAN GEORGE LUCAS! The difference is that Uwe Boll isn't a cultural icon. I never thought I would say this but...Uwe Boll may be better than George Lucas. Okay, I won't go that far but I can honestly say after seeing the latest Indiana Jones movie that.....
....George Lucas bukakked on a fucking legend.
I hate you and hope you die via Ewok rape.
The Ewoks FUCKING SUCKED, too. If you liked them, you are worthy of death. Yeah, I said it.
I am SO OUT of this bitch. May be back on Sunday.
Chachi Out.
