What is up, peeps? First off, LONG ASS DAY as I keep forgetting just how far away Boulder is from reality. It explains all the damn hippies, know that much. Tomorrow is even WORSE and Friday I have to pick Griff and Alyse up from the airport at 8:30 IN THE MOTHER FUCKING MORINING because Griff neglected to tell me he let his wife get the tickets. You see, this is why women should never be allowed to do anything. Ever. You know, women are just like the A-bomb? Everyone is having a good time and they come and mess it up. But I digress.
So one thing I have noticed is that I am a HIGHLY aggressive driver. But that is only because we are filled with a bunch of pussyfooting assholes behind the wheel in about….70% of the cars on the road. I mean seriously there is no reason EVER when there is no snow, rain or dead bodies on the ground to go below the posted speed limit. NEVER EVER! What makes it worse is that I am racist for topical and social humor but whenever I have to pass someone for going 60 in a 75….it is an Asian, an old person, a woman, some fuckwit on their phone or an old Asian female fuckwit talking on the phone in which I just go fucking ballistic. I understand that there are different speeds at which people feel comfortable but if your ass can’t handle the speed limit then go simple and go easy…go fucking Greyhound. I should NOT have to stop from going 80mph to 65mph on the highway EVER if there is no one ahead of you. I should seriously be able to shoot out your fucking tires because if you can’t follow the simple flow of traffic (Since everyone probably already passed you up in rage but decided not to kill you) they you really have no service to society. Take your car and veer into a ravine because all you are doing is taking up gas for people that really know what the fuck they are doing behind a god damn wheel.
Oh, and while I am on the subject of driving: DO NOT STOP TO LOOK AT A FUCKING ACCIDENT. Seriously, there is no need for you to stare at a stalled car or a fender bender because all you are doing is holding up traffic. I swear, I-25 is three lanes. If they block off one and give you a full two miles of warning then there should be NO SLOWDOWN. Yet I was backed up from the Briargate exit. What the fuck? Then I get to the accident and people are LITERALLY BRAKING to look and then taking off as it magically turns back into three lanes. You see, these are the people that we could do without. A spiked turtle shell would fuck up their shit something proper:
So with that being said, since I cant beat the shit out of people on the road that deserve it, I am reposting my….
Chachi's Rules of the Mario Kart Road!
1. Ramps that can only be cleared by going the speed limit: Between those ramps? Pipe Monsters. The big ones, not those baby ones from the first three Marios. Swallow your car whole like Gina Lynn. Kids, don't look that up. Dudes, she's a champ. Check her out.
2. Randomly placed chain chomps: C'mon, that would kick ten parts of ass. And much like in the jungle and zombie movies, the slow one gets eaten.
3. Automatic Blue Turtle Shells to cars forced to slowdown more than 10mph within 3 seconds: The rewards those that want to win. I hate slowing down because the Stevie Nicks listening freak in front of me is cruising. This is the great equalizer.
4. Power Ups for Aggressive Driving: Like style points in Need For Speed, you get mushrooms, 'naner peels and turtle shells by offensive driving (passing, drifting, etc.). This rewards getting the hell out of my way. Also, you get power ups for hopping through corners. Griff taught me that trick, big ups.
5. Invincibilty Stars! When you get the star and hit a jump, it goes all Burnout style and you clear MEGA distance. I'm talking 20 miles. Also, when you hit a car while invincible, you get their power ups and gas. Those gas prices are creeping up again.
Those are just a few of what a Mario Kart world would offer us. We can only dream.
Well, I am out for now. There may not be a post tomorrow as I have to get up early and go to BED early because Griff is the worst friend ever. Fuck yo couch, nigga:
And I am out. Check out the archives, fool!
Chachi Out
