So tonight I learned some things…
1. I am gay as hell. I decided to pass on football for Broadway. Albeit KICKASS Broadway (Litte Mermaid, fishes! Wow…that actually works this time) I am skipping out on booing the FUCK out of Brady Quinn and his Irish ass. Shiiiiiiiiiiit. Wh, at least I still have Sebastian T. Crab for comfort. Yeah, mon!
2. To all the ladies over 35 that hit on me at Eden tonight (It was three and…oy vey, I need Jesus) all I can say is this: Been there, done that and I don’t like the ending of the book. Sorry, I have to keep my sanity and I can’t be with a woman the same age as my mom. I mean…maybe once but not no more. Yellow rice, Rick. Never eats it. Greatest advice ever.
3. Also to the ladies (because tonight was an AWKWARD night for about an hour): If you have a man don’t grind on me. I don’t need to be that man in the club getting shot because you are a whore. Or because you need a tampon. See “Superbad” and you will understand.
4. I am a whore. I sacrificed all I believed in and drafted Peyton “Seabiscuit” Manning with my first selection in this years fantasy draft. I got the steal of the draft in Greg Olsen (rookie Tight End for the Chicago Bears) and an even BETTER steal in Deuce McCallister in the FOURTH ROUND. Man, people are drinking the Reggie Bush Kool-Aid hard-fucking-core. I have a good team this year, not like any of you care. Oh, and Hines Ward in the SIXTH round. Yeesh, no respect for the Bulldogs.
5. Oh, and Eden sucks. Too many niggers (Yes, I said it. You don’t like it then stop being one or stop fucking reading) and bros. And I hate both. Oh, and there were a lot of dumb women tonight. Which leads me to…
6. Women really LOVE “Get Low” by Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz. I mean like I love “Oasis” by Bennie K. Even the unedited version. Its funny to hear women say “Sweat drip from my balls” and “All them bitches crawl”. Just…like black people singing “Sweet Home Alabama”. Which they DID. Oy….I hate Colorado so fucking much.
7. Tuaca bombs: not shitty. I hate Tuaca and I DESPISE shots (Ugh….its the Goose or nothing for the kid) but it was okay. No mojito or brandy but it will do. God, I am one uppity fuck.
8. Women should not be allowed to drive. I am not the poster child of good driving, but talking to another car while driving at high speeds in a BUSINESS DISTRICT is fucking stupid. If Hillary loses it is your dumb ass fault. I saw female drivers nearly injure 4 people, not including the people I went with.I do better and have driven drunk every day from work and have for the last 7 years. It’s a skill.
9. Asian women are HAWT. There, I said it. Sue me if you must. To the Asian (Korean from what she could make out in her drunken stupor which was NOT HOT) girl that danced with (correction; ON) me against the wall, who pretty much used me and threw me away like a Denver running back…I love you. Normally I would cry “rape” like Jodie Foster in “The Accused” but no tonight. I was used…and I loved it. Man, I’m a whore….
10. Greatest interaction ever:
Me: Do you serve martinis?
Bartender: I can, no problem!
Other Dude: Can I get a Cosmo?
Me: Wow, that is rather…gay?
Random Woman: You got that right. That is the gayest thing I have ever heard and you see those two guys over by the DJ? They ARE gay and they were kissing.
You know what? I bought my second drink for a woman….ever (That wasn’t on a date with me. Rick knows the other one and has villified me for it. Rightfully so, too) because that was just way too fucking awesome to not give her some credit. See, sometimes a man isnt buying a drink to fuck you, ladies. Sometimes it’s because you are funny. Which is a rarity.
That is it for now. It is SO bedtime.
