It’s your lucky day, fuckers! I am back with a new blog…kind of. You see, a discussion was had recently about sexual partners and their importance in the now when it comes to a relationship or building a relationship. Now first off, this was posted almost two years ago on the blog because I was happier then and it was well before the pressures of the world crushed my spirit. Or not, I kind of zone in and out. Either way, I have always felt that it was a moot point but at the same time I like to vent and release and this was one of the last blogs I had before hitting up 50 hour work weeks and being too tired to drop the knowledge on the peeps. So, this is one of my many previous installments of…
Chachi Presents: Question of the Day!
Today’s Question: When It Comes (Heh, comes) To Sexual Partners, How Many Is Too Many?
You know, I always felt the best way to answer this is with a personal story. Back in 2002 when women were still stupid enough to date me, my girlfriend in college asked me that same question in reference to a conversation her friends and I had earlier that night. A number was tossed around and when I was asked if that was too many I stated
“For a twenty year old? I don’t know, but seeing as that means you would have had to fuck someone once a month for the last three years to attain such a dumbass goal…I would have to rethink what I did with my day…”
Now it was met with laughter by my girlfriend’s brother but no one else (Sadly, all females) found that line to be funny. Like, at all. So later that evening, she asked me what I would think if that number was pretty close to her number of partners and I told her “What would you expect me to think? I can’t change it so I’m cool with it by default.” Needless to say, she did NOT like that answer and I can understand why. You see, a woman’s sexual history means nothing to you as a friend until you end up dating her. Even if you DO end up dating you can’t have a problem with the NUMBER as much as you can have a problem with WHO is in those numbers. Case in point if she has a child or a crazy ex-boyfriend that doesn’t want to let go (Or even better, a crazy BOYFRIEND she neglected to TELL YOU ABOUT). Knowing those numbers would be a really nice thing because I’m sure that SHE would expect the same common courtesy.
Now the question posed was about how many is too many. Now we can think up arbitrary numbers all day long but the simple fact is this: if sex is that important to you that you have to do it repeatedly then by all means knock yourself out. It is your body and totally your right to have as much sex with as many people as often as you want whether you are a male or female. However, you have to remember a few important factors:
Factor #1: Whether The Number Is High Or Not…Isn’t Up To You So Shut The Fuck Up About It
There is an old adage that people choose what the stats mean at the end of the day, not the athletes. When you look at Barry Bonds homerun total, you will either say he was the greatest home run hitter of all time or his stats are the proof of what performance-enhancing drugs can do to the sanctity of the game. Some people even break his numbers down and split them between the Pittsburg Pirates years and the San Francisco Giants years to mark when the controversy began. THIS is why the numbers aren’t up to you. They are open to interpretation and analysis if you put them out there and you know what? Tough shit. Your sexual partner numbers will be viewed differently by different people so when you bring it out in the open you will get many different views on whether it is high or low. Oddly enough, if the number is less than the woman in question being told the number she is so not a whore. However, if it is within the margin for Whore Error (+/-2 fucks) it varies. Anything over and she is SO A SLUT! Not my words, theirs.
Factor #2: With A Man It ISN’T DIFFERENT SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT.
No matter what I say about any number a woman gives it is usually followed by “If I was a man it wouldn’t matter!” to which I say…shut the fuck up. You see, the reason it is different for a man when it comes to sexual partners is literally how they view it. A lot of men out their rank the number of women they bang (Do the cool kids still say “bang?” Just checking) as a badge of honor. You see, I look at wearing sexual escapades as a badge of honor almost like bragging about how much you go for it on 4th down in football. Sure, sometimes you get a first down but more often than not you turnover on downs. That is casual sex: turning it over on 4th down. At that point the other team has the ball and you have nothing really to show for it except a stat saying you WENT FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN! So if you are proud of those number then that is cool because some would think that going for it on fourth down means that you have experience which women will admit they like. However ladies, in football if you are going for it on fourth down a lot, you really aren’t doing so well on first or second down, are you? On third down your ass REALLY SUCKS. In essence, I mean just because you have the experience on running plays and going on drives doesn’t mean those plays are any good or if they even work.
Now, let’s tie this all together. A man with multiple sexual partners is up to the SAME JUDGEMENT as a woman is. Problem is that women don’t really care. Face it, you don’t. You are more concerned about YOURSELF than the other persons which is cool. But understand that most men got past the “Man, that dude gets all the fly honeys!” (Is “fly honey” still cool? How about “roni?”) when it came to sex at like…17. Bros and niggas still keep that mentality until they die but that’s how they roll. Ask your average dude about a guy that fucks any woman that will give it up and we will honestly tell you that he is just as much a whore as a woman that does the same thing and probably even more so because he had to pay for the tang whether indirectly or not so he may as well have just got to Colfax and got him some there. Half the price and no need to worry about the “So what are we?” question that men hate so much. See, asshole! I just saved you $50 in Long Island’s and Cosmo’s! Long story short is that it IS the same for men when it comes to sexual partners but women don’t hold their feet to the fire about whoring it out like YOU HOLD OTHER WOMEN’S FEET TO THE FIRE ABOUT IT! Seriously, no one ever blames the dude for cheating; they call the woman a whore for “fucking their man” to which I say congrats…you’re a jackass. THAT is why women are like niggas: they can’t get along with each other over the simplest shit.
Factor #3: It Is Called Self-Esteem and Self-Control. Use Them. Oh, And Shut The Fuck Up About It (Sorry, got a theme here I gotta run with)
Now I am going to make a pretty broad assumption and say that every time, excluding rape of course, that when sex is had that it is your own choice. I’ve done some whacky things drunk but I know at the end of the day I DECIDED TO DRINK AND WHATEVER HAPPENS TO ME IS MY FAULT because I chose to take a substance that can alter my ability to rationally make decisions. With all that being said, you as a woman lay on your back and you as a man whip out your wang to have this awkward little thing we call sex. No one makes you do it and it honestly takes two people saying “let’s get freaky!” to work. So you make the choice to do so and you really can’t get all upset about it after the fact because YOU DID IT! If you KNOW that people may judge you for having sex with enough partners to fill up a Menudo reunion special then you have three choices:
1. Don’t tell anyone: Honestly, it is no one’s business any-damn-way. If you are afraid people will judge your past then keep it to yourself until the time is right. There are some people that will judge you whether the number is two, twenty or fifty so just keep your fool mouth shut.
2. Don’t give a fuck: I mean seriously, why should it even matter? You fucked the defensive secondary of the Jacksonville Jaguars? So what? You did it and did it well so don’t be ashamed! Like I said, people are going to judge you for who you are (Or aren’t) and what you did (Or didn’t) regardless so if you are cool with your past (LOL, OR CURRENT AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) then have a fuck and a smile and quit yer bitchin.
3. Cry about it: No one made you do what you did and you can’t really take it back. I mean you can be born again but in the end Jesus don’t love them hoes. You saw what he did to Mary Magdalene. Told that bitch to get to stepping after he hit that. Seriously, if you have a past in which you have seen a lot of dicks then own up to it. Don’t make excuses or say things like you wish you hadn’t because that just makes you look stupid. The hardest critic of your past is you (Hell, I’m living proof) so once YOU get over it, fuck the world if they can’t adjust. Gotta love the words of Tupac Shakur.
So, quite simply what is the answer? How many is too many? I look at it the same as I look at alcohol: you should know your limits and if you don’t know your limits you will eventually get burned. Now I don’t necessarily mean by an STD (But it could happen) but what I mean is that if at some point you realize that “Man, I’m fucking to either fill a void or gain some personal satisfaction that could be achieved with a less self-esteem breaking hobby” then what you are doing isn’t for you. Now I am not against sex. I mean I am actually all for it because if I ever want to get to Japan I got to be ready to do some godless, eerie shit…I’ve seen the movies. Yet I say that with the understanding that you must be comfortable with what you do. If you are, more power to you. If not then you need to think about how you not only view sex but the people you are having sex with. You know my motto when it comes to this kind of stuff:
Be Safe, Be Cool, Be You
Real simple, but hard for a lot of people to do. In closing, what number of sexual partners is too many?
Your age
(MINUS)
The age you started having sex
(DIVIDE)
12 for the months in a year
(PLUS)
4 for each Bowl Game and/or New Years Bowl game your college has been to (WHILE YOU WERE THERE! If you never went to college or finished this doesn’t apply to you. Yeah, the numbers are skewed but it isn’t only based on skill, it is based off opportunity and there were many a frat party in college)
(PLUS)
5 if you have had sex with any rapper or rock star (Trust me, you don’t have to say but you fucked the crew, too. This goes for males and females)
(PLUS)
10 if you have ever shook hands with Prince (Because….yeah, that man’s bankai is sex)
(TIMES)
1.5 to factor in your BCS Ranking (Be sure to add in the Harris Poll as well. The computers take in strength of fuck schedule into account)
(PLUS)
Your age divided by 2
(MINUS)
3 for each individual pity fuck. Yeah, there is a punishment for playing against weaker opponents on your schedule. However, they count as an ADD toward your total.
Now take your total and subtract it from your actual number count of partners and you have and presto, fools…
Your ASPI (Acceptable Sexual Partner Index)
If you are above the number you ended up with, you are officially a whore. Male or female. That system doesn’t make sense? Good, that is exactly how I feel about the question of how many sexual partners is too many because to ask it doesn’t make sense. Is it too many to you? Too many to me? Too many to that guy? Too many to Gene Simmons or Madonna? It really doesn’t matter. If it is a source of concern for you then maybe you shouldn’t have been pounding those daiquiris’ last night!
I hope you all learned something because I didn’t. Maybe some Boddington’s and Chimay will help. While I do that, you look at the Countdown:
I loves me some Epik High. Well, that’s all for now. I will try to be up later this week before I see Bo Burnham this weekend in Denver. If anyone is down to go, let me know because the more the merrier. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
