First off, Nick and Jessica are split and we know it would come down to this: money. Well, all I can say to Nick is get your money! Jessica should pay out solely because I was surprised he didn't beat her ass for being so goddamned stupid. Ike whooped Tina for a lot less and although I am not a fan of spousal abuse, if anyone needed to be knocked upside the head it is Jessica Simpson. Might knock some sense into her oo at least get the frustration out of being married to a woman with no ass. Look at this:
Aint nothing back there but disappointment. Unfortunately the junk is in her head and not the trunk. Oh, no I didn't!
Secondly, what is the sound of a television drama about the first female commander-in-chief being cancelled? Answer: it doesn't make a sound because no one watched. However, I don't think this show failed because it was about a woman president. I think it failed because it sucked. I watched once episode and it wasn't very good. I think it was about a tape of her or her daughter that could hurt her approval rating. Like that crap hurts Bush, everyone knows he's incompetent but we know he won't compromise national integrity by banging a pudgy intern. Although he does seem to have 'chocolate fever' over Condi Rice and don't even act like you don't see the chemistry. Laura better watch out because George wants some chocolate syrup on his vanilla cone. Ah, my sexual innuendo is impeccable.
Sadly, every TV/movie president has been better than G Dubya. Even Leslie Nielsen in 'Scary Movie 3' was better and I wish death on everyone in that movie except George Carlin. Well who do I think would run this country better? Glad you asked, peeps. I officially bring to my proposed ticket for 2008:
Samuel L. Jackson and Neil Patrick Harris!
Hail to the chief, mother-f***er!
What about the cabinet? Glad you asked!
Secretary of State. Christopher Walken!
Imagine this:
Walken: 'Mr Hussien. We need to know.....where...your weapons of mass destruction...are hidden. DO YOU KNOW....where they are....Mr. Hussein? We know...that YOU KNOW. Where they are.'
Jackson: 'WHERE ARE THE MOTHER-F***KER? WE KNOW YOU HAVE THEM! IF WE FIND THEM OURSELVES WE WILL COME DOWN WITH A HOLY F*****G VENGEANCE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!'
Harris: 'Saddam, come on. He will do it. Just....walk with me. I don't want to see you die. Seem like a nice guy. Just give us the weapons and I wont have our military leave Iraq as the crater between Iran and Africa.'
Perfect good cop/bad cop/crazy cop dynamic. Now we have worthless cop (Rice)/baby eating cop (Cheney)/slightly retarded cop (Bush).
Secretary of Defense? None other than Chuck Norris!
Terrorists have seen 'Delta Force' and 'Missing in Action'. His phrase could be 'You don't fuck....with CHUCK'. Damn skippy.
Homeland Security Director? The only choice is Djimon Hounsou.
I know he was born in Benin but Sammy J and NPH can pull some strings. Consider the homeland secure. You wanna test this man? Hells no.
I am liking this cabinet. USA, baby. USA.
In other news, it seems that I have to make a trip to Japan. Yes, Pokeland is in full effect. You know, I have said it once and I will say it again. End the panty fetish and I will become a Japanese citizen TONIGHT. You don't see stuff like thins here. Or the karoke party time places. Just once I want to break into song and not be arrested.
Lastly, I keep on hearing rumors that Jessica Alba is secretly engaged to Cash Warren. If that is the case, then I must say this now.....if you are engaged Jessica, I am happy for you. Oh that noise? The sound OF MY HEART BEING RIPPED OUT BY THE WOMAN I LOVE! How could you do this to me? Why?! WHY?! I love-did-did you, girl! Dru Hill help me sing it!
I...I guess its over. I have given up on trying to win you. This will be the last time you see her on this blog again.
*sigh*
But like Jesus, I will survive Jessica!
Minus the whole bus thing. But I will survive! Well, stay up peeps. And don't forget to vote in Douchbrawl 2006!
Chachi out. VOTE OR DIE!
