Okay, it is once again time to lay down the law to the stupid. Normally I like to let issues of beauty slide because I am attractive by no means and quite simply could not care about society’s general consensus of what beauty is. I likes what I likes and aint a damn thing wrong with that. Now every woman and their mom is bitching about how Sarah Jessica Parker was called the “unsexiest” star by Maxim Magazine. First off, I didn’t know anyone still READ Maxim Magazine. I used to read it when Jessica Alba was on every other cover, but I haven’t read one in YEARS and thought others had followed suit. I guess bros cant spend all their time listening to Jack Johnson and playing Gamecube…in the butt.
Now this is something new that I got from ESPN. Now the show itself got cancelled but I am on the internet so as long as I don’t threaten to kill G.W. or blow up a Federal building I can say whatever the fuck I want to. Unlike ESPN that has to toss in a Stuart Scott catchphrase every thirty fucking seconds. So, I give to you the first (of many because I have some other things I will do this to, hopefully this week) installment of…
Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi's Five Reasons Why!
Today: Five Reasons Why Maxim Was Right/Wrong To Name Sarah Jessica Parker The “Unsexiest Celebrity!”
Reason #1: Maxim Was RIGHT Because…..Turnabout Is Fair Play
Now no one gave a rats ass about Sarah Jessica Parker until she was on a little show called “Sex In The City.” Now if anyone watched that show, you knew what it was all about. It was about the so called “empowerment and vindication of women’s sexual and emotional lives in sitcom form” which sounds like a good idea. Now you all know how I felt about the show (It sucked. Metaphorically and literally on all counts) so I wont use that as part of my argument. However….anyone remember what the majority of the show was about? Objectification! Didn’t matter what the condition, trait or ideal it was focused on and usually trivialized by the cast. These topics and characters were objectified by many traits included (and sure as fuck not limited to):
· Age
· Sexual Prowess (Or lack thereof)
· Endowment (Or again, lack thereof)
· Money (Or…again….lack thereof)
· Beauty (Or….you get the drift)
· Intelligence (Which oddly enough, everyone in New York was successful seeing as how Giuliani shipped all the homeless to FUCKING DENVER. PRRRRRICK!)
Now let’s put this into perspective. The sad fact of life is that “Sex In The City” has a longer lasting social impact than Maxim ever will. The fact I had to make that statement about these to shitty entities makes me want to punch a puppy. The show made a living (and a quite successful one) out of the objectification of men and women alike, usually to the point of reinforcing more pointless and sometimes counter-productive stereotypes. The show used the flaws and insecurities of others to gather ratings and get laughs (Hey, sounds like ME!). Hell, Sarah J. Parker’s character spent half the series objectifying a man only known as “Mr. Big” for like three and a half seasons. Yet, when the shoe is on the other foot and she is objectified for her looks she and the female population want to get all asshurt about the topic. Well, tough shit. Anyone remember a little show called “Square Pegs?”:
The one of the shows’ focal points was how awkward of a person her character was. Yet again, she wants to be but hurt about the objectification (odds are because she is not getting paid for it) now. You know what? Hypocrisy is a hell of a drug. You made a living off of a show that is doing to you now what you did to them for a hell of a profit. Get over it, life goes on.
Reason #2: Maxim Was RIGHT Because….It’s Their OPINION.
You know, I remember a female friend (Oy vey, long story behind THAT) and I a while back having a conversation about religion and she said that she felt that there was only one true savior and one true God (for the avid readers it was the same woman that said that she felt that a President being God fearing makes him a better leader. BULLSHIT!). To which I said “that is utter and complete bullocks” and she replied “Well, that is your opinion.” WELL NO FUCKING SHIT, ASSHAT! As The Rick would say, “Who in the hell else am I going to speak for?” I think lost in this whole shuffle is the fact that we as people are free to have our own beliefs and thoughts. We are also free to say “I think that man/woman is ugly” or make any other observation. God forbid someone should have a different idea of beauty than you. Now they did make their opinions known in a worldwide forum for all to see and discuss. Sounds like a little something I do all the time. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion about something, we are all able to have them and if we are ready to deal with the backlash, let them be known. Whether or not you AGREE with their opinion is up to you to debate but to sit back and say “they shouldn’t say that” is censorship and hypocritical. Like I said with Don Imus, I may not agree with the douchery of his comments but I will fight for his right to say what he believes. Same here. Just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said.
Reason #3: Maxim Was Right Because…..We’re Talking About It.
At the end of the day, Maxim is out to sell magazines. News is out to gather ratings, birds are out to gather bees to have sex with them (STILL not sure how that works) and magazines need buzz and readers. I am willing to GUARANTEE that this issue is doing respectable if not great numbers due to this “controversy.” Just like everyone before them, they are out to garner attention. Just like when they have the Hot 100 (do they still have that?) to get readers to buy it for the non-mingers in skimpy clothing. The fact that CNN has spent just as much time covering this issue as they have the war in Iraq, the Democratic Party nomination and the NCAA Tournament (Davidson is KILLING IT!) is a telling statement that Maxim got what they wanted. God bless the sensitivity of America.
Reason #4: Maxim Was Right Because….You Have Said It Yourself.
You see, once again America’s holier than thou attitude bites itself in the ass. I have heard several times from several different women that I know about how unattractive Sarah Jessica Parker is. I am not throwing anyone under the bus but I will just say it is more than 5 women that I have heard say it. Now….all of a sudden…because a group of faceless men said it….this is the biggest tragedy since they cancelled “Designing Women” (Which I admit, I watched). That is utter and complete bullshit. It is like on The Boondocks where Riley called himself “nigga” all the time but a White teacher says it and all of a sudden it’s time to stand outside the school and yell “robble, robble, robble!”:
Uncle Ruckus….you are a card. The fact is that people have commented several times on TV and in print that she is not attractive and it has never been a problem. For her to say that she hasn’t tried to conform to the ideals of our “forced beauty” is a total lie because she endorses The Gap and has posed for men’s magazines before. Not only that, a big part of her damn show was the fashion so once again she reeks of hypocrisy because she AGAIN conformed to societies view of what is fashionable and successful (Again, how many Black people were on that show? Two? Man, I’ve seen rap videos! Niggas HOLD DOWN New York!) so she has made the attempt to fit the mold. She only breaks it when it is financially convenient. Now rather than trying to fit into the norm (And if The Gap isn’t conformity I don’t know what is because that place OOZES Communism) she claims that she was “offended and wronged” for being different. That is bullshit, she is just like everyone else that longs to be in the spotlight and will use whatever means to get back there since she is waiting for the soon to be horrible movie based on that shitty ass show. I KNOW people have insulted her on numerous occasions (Family Guy, anyone? SHE DOES LOOK LIKE A FUCKING FOOT!) they just never put it in a distributed magazine because they are either spineless or didn’t want the backlash. The fact is that people think that other people aren’t attractive all the time and it is never a big deal. Hell, women make songs about it all the time. Back to an older point, it is about one person’s point of view and the facts are that everyone said so….until she said she was “hurt.” She will be all over every talk show and within the next month she will be on The View or Oprah…or both. If anyone needed to be on that list…its Whoopi Goldberg. Which brings me to my last point.
Reason #5: Maxim Was Right Because….No One Is Really Hurt By This.
Okay, I know a lot of you are fucking retards and don’t know what I mean by this. Let’s look at this from a logical standpoint. Sarah Jessica Parker is a celebrity that I figure has a pretty good living running off the DVD and syndication money of her television work. Oh, and that fat, fat cash from Matthew Broderick’s royalties for “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” which was features maybe the greatest dance sequence of all times:
Shake it up, baby! Anyway, how “hurt” is she? Now I know that people say that you can’t measure or put a price tag on emotion but seriously. How hurt is she? Some random dudes in a magazine said she wasn’t sexy. SO THE FUCK WHAT? I have been told I am unsexy several times and I know that I am not everyone’s cup of tea (or coffee in my case) to I don’t let it get me down. Now I am unsure if this was voted on or if the editors just made their decision and printed it but either way, a bunch of morons decided to make a list of people they thought weren’t attractive. If she is truly butthurt by that she needs to grow the fuck up. A little story. In sixth grade, the girls in our class had “The List” of all of the cutest boys in the sixth grade, straight out of South Park. You know what? I wasn’t even on the list. Was I hurt by it? Initially but in the end I realized that what they thought of me wasn’t the end all be all of the kind of person I am. Now fast forward to now. A woman who has been called “attractive” by OTHER media outlets and in other segments of fashion and beauty magazines is hurt because ONE SHITTY MAGAZINE calls her “ugly?” That's laughable.
Like I stated before, she definitely has offers from competing women’s (and men’s) magazines as well as the support of fragile psyche having women across the globe. Anyone that thinks that she is fighting for your right to be seen as beautiful is a fucking fool. Does Al Sharpton fight for the rights of Black people when he shows up for a Jena 6 rally or an Obama rally? FUCK NO, he is promoting himself and his fat, worthless, loud mouthed and shitty perm-having ass. When Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan had their sex tapes released of them (which Lindsay can neither confirm nor deny which is HILARITY AT ITS BEST) were they fighting for the right for women to be sexually vindicated like I heard women say? FUCK NO, they were caught being whores by douchebag boyfriends on low grade film and they were trying to cash in. At the end of the day, Sarah Jessica Parker is NOT HURT BY THIS. If anything, she will become more popular because the only people on this planet easier to influence than bros are women. Two words: Oprah Winfrey. They will feel like she is a freedom fighter when in the end is all she and Maxim are is opportunists to the highest degree. I wouldn’t be shocked if they were in this together to drum up interest in both parties. Hollywood is a business baby.
Now for a bonus!
Reason #6: Maxim Was WRONG Because….It Wasn’t Their Place.
Let’s be honest here. The majority of you out there didn’t even know Maxim still existed. I mean I read them initially because of my love for Jessica Alba but once I realized she couldn’t act (And she had herpes so 50% of what I wanted to do with her would result in an STD for me) the infatuation wore off and then I was actually forced to READ the magazine. Needless to say, I was not impressed by the magazine because it became the “Bible of the Bro” and I had to cancel that subscription. So overall, the magazine has no real redeeming quality or social value. Now I know people will say that more people read Maxim than my blog but more people listened to Hitler than read this blog. Am I saying that Maxim is worse than Hitler? Well…..maybe.
Since when is it the place for a third rate men’s magazine that specializes in giving pictures of half-dressed and horribly airbrushed women and pointlessly bro-tastic articles bordering on the line of complete asshatery to tell us who is attractive or not? They think Fergie is attractive and as far as I am concerned THAT BITCH IS A FUCKING MAN. Maxim isn’t an authority on what is hot or not and for Sarah Jessica Parker (or American women in general for the most part) to get IPS about the situation is pointless and doing exactly what they wanted you to do. Like I said, I will defend their right to print their opinions but if you believe what they say to be factual and in any way should be taken with any kind of merit then you are just as stupid as they are.
Now you know….the rest of the story. That is all for now. I really liked this format for a rant as it gave me a direction rather than the usual rant where I am all over the place and tie it up in the end. I think that makes for a funnier rant but I lose the mouthbreathers and they make up a good chunk of the internet. I will try to be back again at some point this week. Don’t forget to vote in Douchebrawl! We are down to four MAN IS IT GOOD! Until next time, stay up peeps.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
