What is up peeps?! It has been a rather hectic last three days so I haven’t been posting but I am back and I have to say, I kind of missed it. Monday was really….interesting and today was pretty damn good. However, still in a pissy mood. If anyone one is down for some soju and karaoke on Friday, let me know.
So I have a new idea for a post. Today rather than rant I have decided to just drop off some things that have been pissing me off for the last few days. So today I give you my first ever…
Chachi’s Boiling Points!
Here are some things I have wanted to rant about but don’t really care enough about to put a full fledged rant on.
Boiling Point #1: Fuck Brett Favre
I am getting really sick of this shit. I have never really been a Green Bay Packers fan although I have a lot more respect for their fan base than the Boston or New York City markets because they exude douchebag out of all their orifices and pores like asshole pheromones. However, I am not understanding the mancrush that people have for this cockmonger. Now there has been a growing sentiment among White sportscasters (And although I don’t like Skip Bayless he brought it up and I commend him for it) that Black people do not like Brett Favre and feel he gets a free pass from the media (ESPN, CBS Sportsline, NBC Sports, etc) and you know what? He fucking does. I personally don’t think he has earned the right to get the same passes that a Joe Montana or a Steve Young or a Troy Aikman have earned but all I have to say about it is this. Favre retired and wanted to come back. That is fine and dandy. However, this plea to the people is utter bullshit. He took his ball and went home now he wants back in. He has been threatening the retirement thing for about five years or so and each year he has the Packers get on their hands and knees and take it in the face and gangle the balls like Eva Angelina (She does GOOD WORK, by the way) for him to come back just to do it again. Well, Green Bay finally said to eat their ass and now he wants to come back. Fine, but guess what? You go where they WANT YOU TO GO, asshat. You are under contract and they can do with it as they please. You are not special. I am no quarterback and a lot of you people will say I don’t have a right to say any of this but as a sports fan whose dollars indirectly (Or in some cases directly) effect his pay I do believe it is my place.
Favre has not earned the right to hold the Green Bay Packers hostage with his douchery. Yes, he is holding them hostage because they are well within their legal rights to do what they are doing by not succumbing to his demands of a unconditional release because he is under contract and they don’t fucking have to! He should either honor his contract (Which no one wants to acknowledge. He is being a dick by not wanting to honor the contract AND putting the team under an unnescessary microscope) and compete for the starting job, a job that he would win hands down or he should go where they decide to trade him. That should be it. No one has earned the right to be a douche. Think about it, he isn’t even the best QB of his generation! All of these guys are ahead of him:
1. Troy Aikman (Three Super Bowl wins)
2. Steve Young (One Super Bowl win, one backup appearance)
3. Jim Kelly (Four Super Bowl apperances)
4. John Elway (Two Super Bowl wins)
Hell, even now he isn’t one of the top five in the league:
1. Tom Brady (Mo Bitches Brady, fool!)
2. Peyton Manning (Same amount of rings, will end up breaking Favre’s records)
3. Carson Palmer (You know, could end up being the best of the bunch if Chad Johnson gets his head out of his ass)
4. Eli Manning (They have the same amount of rings, bitches. KISS THE RING!)
5. Donovan McNabb (Won more games than Pac-Man in this era and has been to a Super Bowl. Too injury prone for my tastes)
6. Ben Rothlisberger (See Eli Manning. The only thing that can stop him is a motorcycle. And a motorcycle. ZING! Not cool, I’m sorry)
7. Matt Hasselbeck (He has been to a Super Bowl in the last fucking decade. Although I don’t believe he has beaten the Pack in the playoffs. Ooohhh, the drama!)
Understand me very clearly: I have no stake in this aside from the fact I am a fan of football and I for one could not give a rats ass whether he comes back or not. The NFL existed before Favre and will be here long after he thankfully dies. Isn’t this the same fucktard that almost drank his way out of the league? Maybe I don’t drink enough to understand alcoholism (I have a family FULL OF THEM and I just don’t get it but people are different) but if you drink enough to almost throw a football career away TWICE then fuck you. Seriously, fuck you and die. Now get addicted to crack cocaine and now we have a real story. If you have to drink 19 beers because you “can’t take the pressure” and become an addict then you are a fucking pussy. Now injecting heroin because you can’t take the fame of being a rockstar….that’s RAWK. Brett Farve is not rock, he is a cockmonger and I am tired of hearing about it inbred Mississippi ass. Go to fucking work and take your medicine for being a punk because you didn’t get your way. I hope you end up a fucking New York Jet.
Boiling Point #2: Sorry About Your Loss…..But Your Song Sucks.
Why do people get all pissy when I don’t cry like a webcam whore that got used by an unemployed high school dropout for anal when I hear one of those “sad songs?” I mean I DO NOT LIKE “Tears In Heaven” by Eric Clapton. It doesn’t make me evil and it doesn’t make me heartless. The fact that I think of kicking puppies into small children like Mario kicks Koopa shells into Goombas for 200 points each is evil and I admit that. But just because I hear a song that make YOU cry and I think it sucks and change the station doesn’t make me a bad person. It means I don’t give a fuck about your emotions or feelings and if you don’t know that about me by now then you will never, ever, ever, know me. Oooooohhhhhh. I mean I get a little choked up when I hear “Crucify My Love” by X-Japan:
Which in my opinion is one of the best ballads ever written. But you may not like it and that is quite fine because music is an aquired taste for some people. Yet, I am expected to turn into a blubbering teenage bitch at the end of “Titanic” whenever one of these songs come on. So I have a new rule, peeps. Whenever one of these songs comes on the radio, TV or someone else’s home:
• Five For Fighting – 100 Years: God, I really don’t like this song. Mainly because as a Black man I am expected to die at about 37 or some shit. 100 years to live my ass, honkey!
• Anything by Sarah McLaughlin or Tori Amos: Aren’t they the same minimally talented almost raped piano asshat? I’m not sure; I kind of zone out and think about kittens because I hate these two so much.
• The Fray – How To Save A Life: God damn it, I HATE THE MOTHER FUCKING FRAY! It is bad enough I saw them in Boulder in like…2000 or some shit but they have been running with that SAME FUCKING SONG FOR LIKE 500 MILLENIA! And the next person that says this song kept them from getting an abortion is getting punched the fucking stomach. The Fray doesn’t care! More dumbass babies equals more record sales! God, it’s all a plot you dipshits!
• Elton John – Candle In The Wind: Does it make me a bad person because I could care less about the memory of Princess Di and even LESS about this annoyingly stupid song? Why have a candle in the wind in the first fucking place? Get a god damn flashlight.
• The Beatles – Yesterday: FUCK. THE. BEATLES. The were a boy band and a lame one at that. I hate this song and the next person that covers this song should be shot in the fucking face. It sucked then and it sucks now.
• Boyz II Men – So Hard To Say Goodbye (To Yesterday): Yeah, this song worked for “Coolie High” in the movie but that was it. It didn’t need to be remade by every fucking R&B group with their fucking shirts off. How ironic that so many songs sung by niggas talk about “yesterday” but they always repeat the same fucking problems. What’s goin on? Now THAT’S a kickass song.
You should break out in the “Caramelldansen” dance. When they ask why, tell them they are being a fucking downer and nothing cheers you up like a good dance session. While they cry about how you are being insensitive, sing the song louder and dance even harder. If you have a Stormtrooper outfit, throw that bitch on!
If that doesn’t cheer them up, they should be your friend any-fucking-way. Real friends know that dancing is medicine for the soul. That and soju. Well, that soju and karaoke. Or dancing, soju AND karaoke! You know what? I think that is my plan for Friday, who’s down?! Anyway, just because a song is emotional to you doesn’t mean it is emotional to me or I have to give a fuck. “Somewhere Out There” from An American Tale brings a tear to my eye but you may not give two fucks. And I respect that, so respect that I cannot stand that shitty ass “Butterfly Kisses” song. You aren’t the only one, Zach. I feel your pain. Besides, gaining power from peoples sorrow is my thing.
Boiling Point #3: I Hate The Movies. So Much.
So we all have seen the commercials at the movies that preceded the trailers and all I have to say is that I have had enough. I need to find out how to stop this shit. Before The Dark Knight there was a JC Penny’s commercial that completely shit on one of the best movies of the 80’s (Not one of the overrated ones) in The Breakfast Club. The dude behind me lost his mind as did I but I could not force my anger out (I thought my head was going to explode) into words, rather sound effects and eventually lemmas breathing.
Why do I have to sit through commercials at the theater when it should be my solace from the dipshittery that is TV commercials? Now some will say that I don’t HAVE to watch them but think about it. Movie theaters intentionally over sell theaters (Because many people don’t show) which means that a high number of movies are at capacity seating in the theater. In order to get a decent seat you have to show up early or you will be stuck someplace with a horrible angle or next to some stupid ass kid and their parents that wont shut them the fuck up because they think that being a little shit is “spirited behavior” when it is really “piss poor parenting”. So in order to get adequate seating you have to show early and stay in the theater lest your seats be given away by the crack staff at your local movie house because that grade school education of theirs gives them the authority to tell the people that showed up ON TIME to move in to the center so the cockgobblers that showed up late can get the seats that they came early to get. Fuck you, fuck your commercials, fuck your theater, fuck your high prices, fuck your seat-whoring and most importantly fuck Front Row Joe’s furry ass. Fucking freaks. They are so lucky that I would have walked through Alabama tonguing down Carrie Underwood and back to see The Dark Knight or I would have left and pissed all over the walls of the bathroom and concession stands. After a plentiful meal of asparagus and beer, mind you. Sounds horrible but I am that pissed off.
Well, that is all for now. I am going to bed. Tomorrow is ABDC and there are only five left! I didn’t do my recap last week so I may do one tomorrow night real time, not sure yet. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out!
