I’m back, peeps! Douchebrawl’s first round ends tomorrow and I will have the results up Monday or tomorrow night. Updates will be scarce next week as I will be in Boise and I don’t think they have the internet yet. Surprisingly enough, they have militias…and Mormons. Yeah, I am going to hate this shit.
So I was talking to some people at the comic book store about the blog (I have four readers! W00t!) and they mentioned about how I have been updating more often lately. At the pace I am going I will have about 260 updates for 2008, more than 2006 (when I was on a roll) and last year when I had a really bad down period in the summer. With that, they noticed that I repeat topics a lot. My rants are mainly on bros, women and Black people recently in comparison to some of the great rants I had in 2006. Well, updating a blog and keeping it fresh is a lot more difficult than people think. It’s why TV shows have 13 episode seasons. To update everyday with new material gets hard to do after two years; that is just the nature of humor and commentary. With that being said, I am going to try something new today. Depending on the response I may do this more often (Like the Top 20 Video Countdown, Chachi’s Omnibus and Captain Master Chief Chachi Goes Hollywood) but right now I want to give you the first installment of a new part of the Passion of Chachi family:
Chachi’s Deep Thoughts!
Deep Thought #1: Women Seem To No Longer Be….Human?
Joe and I had an interesting discussion last night at Fox & Hound (aka, the worst restaurant in the Springs) about all the aids women have to make themselves look better. It was interesting because after I came to the realization that fake breasts look good with clothes on but horrible with clothes off (and I asked why women get them and I have yet to get an answer that isn’t counter-intuitive) I wondered why women augment themselves when they say they are independent and non-conformist. Yet…all tattoos they have are in the same spot. I went there. The simple fact is that there are several products/procedures that are out there that are used to make women feel (or perceive to feel) more beautiful:
• Jeans that lift and shape their butt (Normally I would like this but its a LIE!)
• Bras that lift, separate, accost and give concussion blasters to breasts (I kid)
• Every astringent, cleanser, pore filler and cosmetic available
• Hair dye (Which I believe is the dumbest shit ever. Sorry ladies)
• Fake lips, eye lashes, contacts and personalities (BURN!)
• Fake breasts, butt implants, lip injections, etc. (*Sigh*, what ever happend to nature?)
With all of that, there is no reason that women should complain about their beauty. Now initially that may sound like I am saying women have no excuse to be ugly and I don’t believe that to be true because no woman is ugly. They are all beautiful on the inside, and I have been there. In their houses to find out where they work so I can wait for them until they get off and follow them home. That’s a date, and don’t judge me. Think about it, what do MEN have to make them look better?
• Cars (Which I have one but a Saturn screams economy, not ballin)
• Money (To which I am nowhere near ballin enough to counteract my ugly)
• Steroids (And I don’t want to look like Barry Bonds. The man has a head like a grizzly)
And that is IT. Hell, the fashion and cosmetic industry LITERALLY make 90% of their revenue from women. Although men usually PAY for it (Destiny’s Child, anyone?) the fact that so much emphasis is put on how females look is no long a man’s fault. It is about supply and demand. Women decide they aren’t pretty enough so then they want items to make them socially prettier. Is it wrong to create a product to help with that insecurity? Hell no! It’s what makes America great! I don’t even see why they complain about it because women can be a different person every day with all the products out for them to change their appearance to be “more attractive.” Women have SO MANY FACTORS in their corner that they can use to almost create a whole new person a la “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka”:
Seriously, that is what it has been reduced to. From now on, women need a disclaimer on them and a nutritional value that says what percentage is fake and what is real. Yes….I went there. I have yet to understand why women go through the torture of wearing clothes that don’t fit and undergoing procedures to modify their bodies so they can either impress men or…impress men. It all falls back to that. Yet, I always say if someone doesn’t like you for how you are then that is their choice and changing yourself to fit into a social norm of beauty is self-defeating because beauty is in acceptance of yourself. Think about THAT ONE for a second.
Deep Thought #2: Canadian Stampede…GREATEST PPV EVER. And Wrestling Will Never Get That Good.
I know none of you are wrestling fans and I really don’t give a fuck. Canadian Stampede was one of the few PPV’s I have seen live (Along with Wrestlemania X-7 which is a CLOSE second. And I mean CLOSE second) and man was it HOT. The Canadians may not be very cool (Aside from Bryan Adams of course) but they know how to be a hot wrestling crowd. Every match on the card was either fucking awesome (The Great Sasuke vs. TAKA), very good (Triple H vs. Mankind), very watchable (Vader vs. Undertaker) or arguably the greatest tag team match of all time (the main event). I was (and still am) a HUGE Bret Hart mark (yeah, I said mark) and I was all over the opening of the main event. The match was executed very well and the crowd made the match for me. Just e-fucking-lectric. It’s a tragedy that four of the ten participants (Owen Hart, Davey Boy Smith, Brian Pillman and Hawk) are no longer with us:
You know what? I want John Cena to take a look at this video and see the ring presence of Bret Hart. Learn it and shut the fuck up. You will never be as good as anyone in this ring, sans Ken Shamrock. He sucked. Oh, and dare I say the figure four leg lock on the ring post may be one of the best spots in wrestling? It’s about showmanship, people. I mean I can’t COMPLETELY blame Cena. I mean who is his competition face-wise? Hulk Hogan had The Ultimate Warrior. Bret Hart had Shawn (ugh) Michaels. Steve Austin had The Rock. In wrestling, every number one needs a 1A. Who is that now? Batista? I don’t think people connected with him the same after his pectoral tear…the second one I mean. The Undertaker is on his way out and Shawn Michaels sure as well better be because he is more broken physically than the psyche of a freshman sorority girl after the first kegger of the school year. Vince will NEVER (And I mean NEVER) push CM Punk no matter how talented we all think he is so ROH fans need to just stop. Vince will push Snitsky over him…and has. I have said it once and I will say it again: you are only as good as your competition. Cena’s competition is either old, over exposed or he has already BEATEN (Like with the Edge situation. He could be the next Randy Savage if the WWE weren’t such tools) so you have booked him into a corner where no one believes that his opponent has a chance to beat him in any way shape or form unless he is Triple H. *Sigh* I miss the good old days:
I miss the attitude. Now it is just CRAP-itude.
Deep Thought #3: God Hates Colorado
Seriously. I am getting SICK AND TIRED of the fucking pot holes here. I mean some of them aren’t even holes anymore; they are damn ditches. Just traveling to get my oil changed I thought I broke my fucking shocks (Luckily nothing was wrong) from two huge ass potholes on Chelton. Not only that, how can it be 74 degrees yesterday and only like 26 right now?! FUUUUUUUCK!
Deep Though #4: Teenagers Are Stupid And Don’t Need To Be Pandered To.
Now you all know what I feel about children. We don’t give them enough credit, but at the end of the day they are STILL children which means that they are less than people. Teenagers….are even worse. I mean aside from “The N” which has a few good shows from my childhood (Daria, Saved By The Bell, the original DeGrassi for a while) for the most part, the “teenification” of American TV, music and cinema is fucking up all the good stuff. There are no more cartoons out there. Remember when we were teenagers? The cartoons were intelligent yet funny:
• Animaniacs
• Tazmania
• The Tick (w00t, motherfuckers!)
• Pinky and The Brain
• Daria
• Freakazoid
• Gargoyles
• Darkwing Duck
Hell, even later in life (late teens, early twenties) we had Undergrads, Clone High and Invader Zim! Now name ONE good cartoon not called “Class of 3000?” All the shows are shitty teen shows like all the crap on the Disney Channel. They are all live action crap that acts like life can be resolved through working together and being yourself. BULLSHIT. Kids, the only way you can make it through school without being a fucking pussy and shooting up your classmates (Too soon?) is to find people like you and hold onto them because they are all that will help you maintain your sanity in the shitstorm that is high school. Remember that in the real world as well. College is a different story because your mentality changes when you are paying for class. I’m sorry, but I don’t see Hannah Montana as being the least bit vindicating, enlightening or entertaining. Same goes for every live action show (which to my defense I haven’t seen them all so I am typecasting but I am sure I am right. Brokeback Theory and all) on TV right now for teens. In comparison, remember OUR live action teen shows?
• Saved By The Bell
• Californina Dreams
• USA High
• Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
• Swans Crossing (GREATEST. KIDS SOAP. EVER)
• Hangtime
• And of course…Big Bad Beetle Borgs!
I don’t care what you say, Beetle Borgs forever! With that being said, the days of waking up on a Saturday morning to great shows until noon are over. It’s why most kids sleep in on Saturdays! There is nothing to get you revved up to go outside and play anymore! Even worse are these shows that are the live action shows that are “for kids” yet all they do is rip off from a “very special episode” of Blossom and add some mild cursing to it. And worse acting. If you ever wondered why kids are so maladjusted these days, take a look at these shows and just listen to them for a second when you are in the mall looking at shoes or something. They are fucking ridiculous. Parents can’t relate because what they absorb is so asinine that I am surprised that they done bump headlong into walls like Chris Redfield in the original Resident Evil as you try to avoid a zombie in the heat of the moment. We need to fix this and fix this now. At some point….we will have to vote for one of these fuckers.
Deep Thought #5: You Like NASCAR? Congrats, You Are Barely Smarter Than A Cat.
I was at the comic book store yesterday. I just found out that “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader” comes on after NASCAR. Now that is just fucking IRONIC. Okay, let me explain something right here and now, boy. I am not an athletic guy by any means. But I can say this from a logic standpoint: NASCAR isn’t a sport. It’s engineering. A car is created and matched up against OTHER CARS. You really don’t even need a person to have a NASCAR race, all you need is a few do-until or do-while loops (Like…four MAX. Programmers understand what I mean) and you could have robots run the damn race. It is boring and it is stupid. If you like NASCAR you are barely above the mental acumen of a drugged cat. You know why? That was the only time Nala watched NASCAR because she is a FUCKING CAT AND SHE KNOWS NASCAR IS FUCKING STUPID!! I defend a lot of things I like but at the end of the day I can understand that not everyone sees the redeeming qualities in musicals, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Derrickcomedy like I do. But I can honestly say that there is nothing redeeming about NASCAR. It is borderline racist (Say Blacks are invited if you will, but any place where they fly the Confederate flag over the American one and think the General Lee is more important than Kitt is a place where they fuck their cousins and I don’t want to be at because I know you don’t want me there) and the only real excitement is watching high speed traffic drive in a circle in hopes of a crash and a death. I have seen that; it was called I-25 during the Cosmix construction. NASCAR takes as much skill as it does to drive drunk and I don’t care if it is the most watched “sport” in America. Porn is the biggest selling medium on the internet and I don’t see your Jesus letting you support that. But why should you when you could always get your cousin drunk and see her naked. Better than I am getting right now, but I prefer to keep my sex out of the family. Thaaaaaaaaanks.
That is all for now. Douchebrawl is running a tad bit late but I will have updates up by Tuesday. Until then, you know where to find me. I’ll be around:
Rappin 4-Tay in the house, fools!
Diddy Out.
