Every Time A Door Opens...A Huge Dog Runs Through That Door And Headbutts YOU IN THE BALLS.

Okay, I have had e-fucking-nough. It is time for me to lay down the fucking law to you fuckers. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THE STUPID PEOPLE IN THIS FUCKING CITY. Not just this city, the entire country but I have to handle one issue at a time. The idiots, bros, whores and fucktards have ran this city long enough and now they need to be told what is wrong and shot in the fucking balls so they can’t reproduce. I am FINISHED PLAYING. Niggas get slapped for breathing from this day forward.

Law #1: Being Sexually Vindicated Is NOT Being A Whore.

It seems that women have this confused. I used to sit back and think that this was just bitterness from not getting any (which partially it is, I admit) but there is a thin line between vindication and exploitation. Having multiple sexual partners is okay (I figure) if you are doing it for pleasure. But lates face it: anything in access is an addiction. If you do anything you can to quench that addiction, you are a FUCKING WHORE! Whether it is smoking, eating, drugs or fucking random people. So with that being said to have sex for the sheer enjoyment makes you a junkie. They aren’t called “narcotically vindicated” when they smoke crack because they want to. They are called CRACK WHORES! Now lets gear this back to simpler terms: when you pull the emotional aspect out of sex and just do it because “it feels good” or “I am getting what I want” what makes you any better than a person addicted to meth? Nothing because both end up being headcases. Name one whore that doesn’t have daddy issues or mommy issues that resulted in something from their daddy. The answer is none. So congratulations, people. If you fuck for fun you are nothing more than a crack whore: dead inside and sucking dick for Coke. Or in a woman’s case, a rum and coke. BURN!

Law #2: If You Go To A MARTINI BAR, You Drink A MOTHER FUCKING MARTINI!

I don’t know why, but this really pisses me the fuck off. I think it is the indigence that people in the Springs have when they walk into a martini bar (and not even a really GOOD one) and don’t see skanky 22 year olds (or skankier 42 year olds) shaking it to some Akon song. Let me explain something to you brain-dead, Jack Johnson loving, keg standing retards: there are places where you don’t fucking belong. If you can’t handle vermouth in your vodka or some brandy then a martini bar isn’t for you. Get….the fuck….OUT. Don’t complain, you knew what it was because MARTINI IS IN THE FUCKING NAME! Oh, and don’t order a fucking beer. That is what bars are for: rednecks and skanks. Be merry and get your piss flavored Coors at the Dublin House or something. Then bro out later on, I don’t care but don’t come into a place in a huff and fuck up my good time because you can’t hold a martini glass when you are drunk off Bud Light and the Captain. I hope you die of alcohol poisoning you inbred fuck.

Law #3: Cover It Up!

Now this is one that really….really needs to stop. Like last year. Women something needs to be explained to you. Your body is a temple. If it is as BIG as a fucking temple….I don’t want to see it. Now as a big dude this hurts me to say because I try to stick up for my big-boned people. I cannot stand up for you if you have your gut hanging out of your jeans like a kid that shoved too much ice cream on a fucking ice cream cone. I understand that every woman believes they are beautiful in their own way. Now I am sure you are beautiful on the inside (I know, I’ve been inside. Their houses so I can go through their belongings and find out where they work) but that does not give you a reason to wear shit you shouldn’t. As a big man, I try to dress as well as I can within budgetary reasons and I for the most part keep my ample body covered THE FUCK UP JUST FINE! Why can’t women cover up the same when they know damn well people don’t need to see all that? Now I know everyone one loves curves, but if you are round you need to lock it down. Some women out tonight looked like Charles Barkley in fucking skirts and heels! Which brings me to my next point: just because you are hot doesn’t mean you don’t have to abide by those rules. Now I have forever lived by the statement that “when you are hot, anything goes” but the hot took way too much advantage of that so like niggas and guns this shit has to be curbed right now. Now, let’s use some logic here.

· When niggas get spinning rims, they want people to look at their wheels.
· When rednecks get huge ass tires, they want you to look at the height of their truck
· When Mexicans get hydros, they want you to watch their car bounce
· When women wear tight clothes, they want people to look at what they have on and aren’t covering

IT IS THAT FUCKING SIMPLE. Even if it ISNT what you want, it is what is going to happen because dressing like you are trying out for the new She-Ra movie isn’t the damn norm. When things aren’t the norm that gather attention. If you don’t want attention, don’t dress like that. I see nowhere in the constitution about “Freedom To Dress Like A Stripper But Not Be Considered One” as one of the uninaliable rights we have. There is no reason to dress like that because if it aint for attention is sure as hell aint for comfort because all you do is bitch about how your feet hurt and your skirt rides up. Guess what? You are doing it for attention so quit lying and quit bitching. You can’t choose the attention you get so you can either fight social norms (Good luck with that shit. I have been fighting the Black thing for years) or put on some fucking clothes. It’s winter time and flu season so you do the math, bitch. Shut the FUCK UP or accept the stares.

Law #4: White People Are Fucktards, Black People Are Dipshits. Deal With It.

Now I am against Jim Crow and all of that bullshit. But the time comes when you just have to accept that people are just…different. Jews and Muslims don’t go to the same clubs and dance the Achy Breaky. So why are Blacks and Whites forced to go to the same club?! Separate but equal! Maybe it’s because niggas can’t calm down for two fucking seconds to not shoot up EVERY CLUB that plays hip hop because someone disagreed with your stance on the geopolitical situation in Darfur. I’m kidding; niggas don’t read the newspaper. Yet, clubs downtown do their best to make sure that Blacks don’t come into their clubs. From changing the dress code to changing the music to shitty techno (WHO THE FUCK LISTENS TO THAT SHIT?! It works at raves because we were too fucking high to care!), clubs take small measures to keep out the unsavory sector. Yet, that is the complete OPPOSITE of what they should be doing! There is one thing that niggas have that white people don’t it is disposable income. You’ve seen the videos, they make it rain on hoes!Why? Because niggas don’t pay bills. This of it like this: Clubs always have “Ladies Night” which means that women drink and get in free. Men not only have to pay but usually pay more than the usual night. That is a bad move because if there is one thing niggas love to do, it is buy dranks. Bitches love that shit, just like smileys. Losing money right there.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the dress code. The whole big ass t-shirt and Timbs look went out in 1993 but I guess that shit is back like cooked crack because that’s all Black dudes wear. At the same time, how come bros can dress like they just woke the fuck up? I mean if I had to gauge the two, at least niggas put work into looking like fashion misfits. BROS DON’T EVEN FUCKING TRY. Yet they are considered fashionable. I guess that makes sense from a country that made Fergie a two time Grammy Award winner. That alone disgusts me because that bitch has two Grammys which is more than Run-DMC if I am not mistaken. The simple fact is that all people suck and to eliminate the stupid would require a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT of bullets.

Well, I am just about fed up with this shit. Eh, guess it is what it is until you just wish Flanders was dead. Yet I am they crazy one because I don’t think insanity (in terms of logic, not crazy but if the show fits) should be the norm. The Tick says it best:

"And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking. But when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit."

Sad. The most logical thing ever said was coined by an animated, invincible blue superhero named after a bug with eight legs when he obviously had two. Oh, and he may have been functionally retarded. That would make him good enough to President here. I am so going to fucking bed now; ye all abandon hope as the ship head toward a briny deep. Shit, I wonder how many people will even understand the nautical/pirate reference. Morons. (Yes, this is a repeat from March of last year...but the feeling is still the same. Countdown tomorrow and if I am feeling better I will definitly post on Sunday)

Diddy Out.

Perfection DOESN'T EXIST...Unless You Are Prince.

Okay, I am feeling like shit right now and was going to start on a Omnibus but spend the majority of the day sleeping. So this is the perfection blog I have been promising for about a month. It is one of my favorites but not my best. I do have to say it was thought provoking. And to the person I wrote this blog about: I still think you are kind of a nutcase. Yeah, I don't back down...even with a fever. Whoa, I just coughed up something the size of a kiwi fruit...

I'm back, bitches! Let me start off with a little bit of prose....

This is a cry for mercy, I promise
My success would be the death of you
Low and behold,
You sold ya soul, there’s nothing left of you
Look in the mirror, ask yourself “who are you?”
If you don’t know who you are, how could ya dreams come true?

Okay, I am back on the scene and for you sharp eyed thugs out there you know that is from “The Realest Killaz” by 2Pac and....ugh....50 Cent. However, I will tell you with a straight face that his verse in this song is the only work he has ever done that I liked. The reason is simple: if you are not comfortable with yourself, you can never truly be happy. It is that fucking simple.

Now as many of you know I am batshit crazy. You know what? I don’t give a fuck how any of you feel about it. You think I am a dick? Eat one, motherfucker. You think I am conceited and pretentious? You damn right I am and I have earned that right because I always embrace a chance to learn so I have garnered a lot of knowledge and life experience. Don’t get on my shit because your dumb ass doesn’t know who Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are. You think I am a nerd and you see that as being anti-social? Fuck you, prick. Just because I don’t spend my day banging skanks and drinking brews with the bros but actually think of ways to get my shit right doesn’t make me a nerd. It makes you a fuckwit and I hope you fucking die before you can procreate. Although, usually the stupid fuck like imprisoned rabbits during conjugal visits and make more children which means we have a shitload of rednecks and niggas (See: Idiocracy) and of course an assload of AIDS ridden Africans. Yes, I went there. If you aint ready for what I just said then stop reading now because this shit is going to get hardcore because I am through fucking around with people. I need a concealed weapons permit but I know I would become the Punisher or some shit because you gots to go.

With all that is good about me, I have accepted my faults. I know I am a fattie and I try to work on it. At the same time....I loves me some chicken. It is delicious and you know it. I should do better but I don’t and I recognize that shit. I chalk it up as a loss, charge it to the game and work on that shit when I can. I know I can be PERCIEVED as an asshole but one person’s “asshole” is another person’s “funniest nigga alive.” You think everyone thought Richard Pryor, George Carlin or Redd Foxx was funny? Hell no, they were band and called offensive and ruiners of the American youth. Yet, they didnt care. They did what they thought was funny and if you actually listened you learned some shit, too. Except for Redd Foxx....that nigga was just messed up in the head. He was funny as shit, though! Some of you have said I have problems with women which is false. I have problems with the women I KNOW AND HAVE DEALT WITH but I don’t lump them all as one group like some women do men (Or each other which is PRICELESS) as an attempt to create some skewed understanding of why your life is fucked up. Quit being a fucking tard and realize that people are different and even the most normal person will act different under varying stimuli. If he acts a little crazy because you don’t shut the fuck up and he acts a little crazy when you DO shut the fuck up then that nigga is really crazy and you need to go. Don’t collect $200 (Or child support which is SO SPECIAL because kids have no concept of that shit but hey, it aint my gig to judge) just leave and figure out what about you makes you drive people away or bring the dickwads. Oh, and same for men. I am living proof. I had my mom call me out on the fact I attract stupid bitches and crazy women because I will actually listen to them when I should be kicking them in the chest and running away (Her words, not mine. I tell you I would vote for her as President. Except for the fact she would have the “Shoot My Son On Sight” law) and I took myself to task and asked myself what makes this happen? If you don’t do that then you should shut the fuck up because if you don’t know you own problems you can’t judge anyone else. Nor should you, but I will touch on that later.

Now if you address the problem and you can’t fix it, there is nothing wrong with that. Contrary to what shrinks and dickweed talk show hosts want you to believe, there is nothing wrong with a little bit of dysfunctionality. It gives you character and actually gives you a little better outlook on shit. I listen to Griff and Zach about women because they have dealt with some crazy bitches, just like me. I aint going to take advice on women from a nigga that got married out of college because he knocked his girlfriend up and has been miserable ever since on some subjects. He may be able to give me sound advice on some things but not everything! You see, being dysfunctional is only bad if it is all you know and will accept. If you are used to having your ass kicked by a man (Or a woman...long story. I was scared!) that is actually okay. As long as you KNOW it is dysfunctional and make an attempt to stay away from that dynamic. Now if you are CONSTANTLY with a different man that is kicking your ass on the daily (Or hourly which is a championship beater and I tip my hat) then you really need to not fucking date LET ALONE MARRY. A man only kicks your ass because you let him get away with it. Seriously, a man knows that LOOKING AT A WOMAN THE WRONG WAY CAN LEAD TO JAIL TIME. Or ending up like Emmitt Till but that may have been too far....naaaaaah. I keeps it real, real offensive. So if a man hits you the first time and you do nothing, there is a problem with you and a bigger problem with him but at that point it’s like not calling a borderline hard foul in the NBA as a flagrant foul. You can’t let three or four hard checks in the lane go and then all of a sudden call a flagrant on a breakaway over the back foul. I mean you CAN but the repercussions are a lot greater (Public scrutiny, suspension, being dissed by Shaq in a battle “rap”) than if you had called everything how it was. If you can’t understand that analogy then you deserve to get hit. Now some will say that “No woman ever deserves to get hit” and I disagree but you should just NEVER DO IT. Everyone deserves to get a foot broken off in their ass; you should just never do it to a woman. I need to put that on a t-shirt.

So I am sure that you are wondering what the hell this post is even about. Well, I am too because I just started typing after a few drinks and my six minutes of drunkenness has worn off because I and a fattie. However, I want to touch back on the initial quote from that 2Pac song I have at the top:

If you don’t know who you are, how could ya dreams come true?

Simple line and a rather deep quote. Almost doesn’t belong in Fiddy’s vernacular but here we are. Now if you don’t know what makes you “you” then how can you except to be with anyone else and be happy? I know who I am, and that is how I KNOW that I can never be with anyone else and be happy....unless it’s Mandy Moore. Oh, Mandy. Restraining orders can’t keep me from you! Well, they CAN but you get the idea. The simple fact is no one gives a fuck about you. Hell, no one gives a fuck about anyone. Oh, it’s nice to pretend we care about what is going on in Darfur or that we know where it is (It’s just south of Detroit, right?) but at the end of the day the majority people are selfish. Much like I said about being shallow, there is nothing wrong with being selfish. It can alienate you and keep you from helping or meeting people but at the end, some of the greatest advances in people were created in selfishness:

• The Cotton Gin: Lazy Negros didn’t want to spend all day in the field. That was fine, more time to beat them! Can’t beat them while they work, it lowers productivity. I’m...so never going to get married after this.
• Slam Dunk Competition: You think any of us would give a fuck about a Dee Brown, Spud Webb or Dominique Wilkins? Fuck no. None of us do NOW, but for like 8 minutes, they were glorious dunking darkies. Hey, they should change the name of the Seattle Supersonics to the Oklahoma City Dunking Darkies! Man, I need to stop!
• Breast Implants: The female version of getting a BMW. You think it makes up for all your faults and gives you self esteem but in the end it just makes you look like a moron. But it’s all about you and that is all that matters!
• Masturbation: The ultimate in self-gratification. Initially, they were going to call “self-gratification” masturbation but it felt too good to have such a generic meaning.
• Mormonism: Or as I call it “Christianity: The Quest For More Cash Money” because they are all about that fetti. We all hate on them, but they are getting rich off of God. And isnt that what he is there for? How many of you pray to God for money or help with bills? They said “fuck that shit” and did it their damn selves. Can’t hate on that, but the Wolven wouldn’t have that shit.
• The Keytar: The ultimate in not just selfishness, but in ego-tripping. You know that the keyboard player wanted the cockgobbling groupie love the guitarist got so some lonely fuck created the keytar to capture some of that 80’s hairsprayed Jersey girl tang. I guess it worked.... • Breaking Up The Band: Paul Simon, Justin Timberlake, Michael Jackson, Phil Collins, Sting, Beyonce, Busta Rhymes and of course George Michael all said “fuck the band, I want that cash money!” and went solo. We are all better people for it. I guess, I personally only like George Michael and Paul Simon. You can call me Al, too! We are soulmates! Please someone get that reference.....

So selfishness actually helps out everyone. Understand another thing, just because there is nothing WRONG with it doesn’t mean you should BE selfish. Knowing what you want isn’t being selfish just like knowing what you are attracted to isn’t being shallow. However, if you are willing to sabotage yourself and others because you are unhappy, that is being selfish. Well, let me take that back. That is being a FUCKTARD. Dumb shit like that gives selfish people a bad name. If what you WANT is destructive to yourself or others because that in itself is selfish. If you are okay with your actions then like I have always said you have to be you. At the end of the day, you can’t continually be selfish about your actions and expect good things to happen to you. Hitler was pretty fucking selfish and he died of a gunshot wound to the head in a bunker like a punk bitch. Kind of like Light in “Death Note”:

FUCKED UP. I was expecting him to just go apeshit and start writing down everyone he ever knew or something. Anyway, like I was saying. Being selfish is quite alright, as long as you are okay about where you will end up. If you aren’t happy where you end up then stop being selfish. Gawd, what is so difficult about that? For such an advanced and revered society, we sure do have a lot of simple problems that we can’t seem to fucking fix. You think the Sudanese worry about “I wish I could just find a guy and keep him without fucking it up because I am born to undo myself like the pants of Korean whore during shore leave?” No, because they speak in clicks and beeps. Man....I am never going to find a wife at this rate.

Okay, back to what I believe is the whole point of this quasi-rant (Wait, at four pages this is officially a sleep-deprived diatribe). Everything in your life is based around how you feel about yourself. I learned that after high school after trying to fit in and be what I was not (Griff, remember the braids? Man...I was not the fashion icon I am now) that sometimes being yourself means understanding that you are not perfect. But you know what? Perfection is pointless. Seriously, once you achieve perfection all you can do is start over. What makes us human is the fact that we strive to be the best we can be. Which is all God in all his (Or her for you people who think that God could actually be a woman....but it would explain why the Bible makes no sense and bounces around like a freshman girl at a kegger. ZING!) imperfections asks of you. We are a work in progress, people. I quite a dude that has become arguably my second favorite captain in Bleach after this dialog:

“In this secular existence, perfection is an illusion. Regardless of those who utter the contrary. This is the reality.....the common man seeks it out. They aspire to achieve it, as if it were some tangible thing. But...the fact of the matter is, perfection is a hollow shell....it is devoid of any substance. I spit on perfection. Perfection after all, implies that you’ve reached the summit....no trial and error....no ability to conceptualize. An omniscient being would have no need for such superfluous things.

Am I making myself clear?

For those people who dabble in the sciences such as ourselves, perfection would render us obsolete. Many magnificent things have been and will continue to come into existence and yet, everyone last one of them will fall short of perfection’s finish line. Our function as men of science relies on their many shortcomings. Then....and only then can we apply the fruits of our labor. To put it simply... as soon as you began spouting that nonsense about being an immaculate being...your fate was sealed.”

Wordy? Yes but Bleach usually is. And once again, anime serves the real life like “Breakin.” People are selfish, shallow, petty, prejudiced beings and most of this is gathered over time. However, it is how you take yourself to task on your imperfections that makes you who you are. To constantly be a habitual line stepper (I’M RICK JAMES, BITCH! Rest in peace, you Black mother fucker!) about the same shit isn’t striving for perfection, it is accommodating imperfection which is even unhealthier. Ask yourself, “Who are you” and until you can answer that question and are okay with the answer you give you have to work at it. Working at it for YEARS (You know who you are) isn’t progress. That is like saying that OJ is still trying to find the killers of those two White people he killed. You are lying to yourself and you are lying to America. It may be okay for a President, but it aint okay for you. DOUBLE BURN! I AM THE BURN MASTER!

Alright, I am out. I will be back up later this week I hope before the Countdown. I may be blogging a lot more because something tells me this week is the week my distain for a certain thing hits the fan due to douchery. Stay up, ya'll.

Chachi Out.

Get Your Pads On, Because I Am Going On Offense!

What is up, peeps! It is time for an update which I have been promising for like…three weeks or so. What can I say; I am a pretty lazy guy. First things first, I don’t have cancer. It is called hyperbole. No apologies here because if you actually have been to my blogs and seen my site you know…if I had cancer I would be swimming around in some stingrays right now. Damn…that is pretty messed up.

Either way, there are some things that I need to get out there in hopes of a mob being formed to kill said people.

Things That Need To Stop

Number One: Twitter

Okay, first off if you have a Facebook…and a Twitter…and a MySpace…and a Wordpress… you need to be shot in the face with a pellet gun until you understand that NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW. I am typing this as I masturbate to Japanese schoolgirl porn. Did you NEED to know about that? DID YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THAT?! Well you should have because that takes a lot of skill and I believe I need a round of applause due to my talents. I would but I am preoccupied. The digital information age has given us so much and yet people do the exact same shit but faster and stupider. Did anyone hear about the Asher Roth situation? I will touch on dumbasses later but what the fuck, man? As people we usually have a filter that keeps us from saying things to people without thinking them through. I personally don’t believe in that but to each their own. People say that Twitter is a great way to keep in contact with people but you know what I do to keep in contact with people?

I FUCKING TALK TO THEM

Does the world really care about what you ate or where you are at that day? Now I for one use MySpace to communicate with my friends about shit that they would either laugh at or be interested in. I would say that 80% of the friends I have on my page (And about 90% on Facebook because I fucking hate it and update it so rarely that I watch old episodes of M*A*S*H more than I look at the shit) don’t even give a fuck about what I am sending. Memes? Zach and Von. Hatred of Coldplay? Should be everyone but some of you shits love Coldplay and I secretly hate you. You SO know who you are. If you have a Twitter or you “tweet” or whatever you fuckers call it that is fine. Don’t tell me because I don’t care and neither should anyone else. The only person that should have had Twitter was Jesus. That shit would have been funny:

JHChristLuvzMaryMag: These fucking Jews turned me in to the Romans! WTF?!
JHChristLuvzMaryMag: OW! OW! OW! OW! STOP THAT! Do you know who I am?! My dad owns the ultimate dealership! Fuck you guys!
JHChristLuvzMaryMag: Carrying this fucking crucifix. Would it have hurt them to used some lighter wood? Or even given me a nosh? It is such a long walk and my feet are killing me! Luckily they can’t hurt any more than they do now. Sry about the complaining; it’s the Jew in me LOL!
JHChristLuvzMaryMag: Whoa, they are tying me up now. When Mary does this its fucking hawt but she is a paid professional. Hey, they have nails! They much be stabilizing the base because this thing does NOT look sturdy! That’s nice of….OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! THAT’S MY FAPPING HAND!
JHChristLuvzMaryMag: This is so lame! Asshole just stabbed me! I am so going to fuck up is my birthday! See what I did there? Aaaaaaaaaand now I'm dead.

If you didn’t laugh at that…you may want to just stop reading now. It is SO gonna get worse. I am on a roll right now. Long story short, Twitter all you want just don’t expect me to act like you are doing something new or I give a shit. It was called RSS and only nerds used it to let other nerds know about nerd stuff. But you fuckers usurped it and now it is pop culture. One word for you all: DIE. Speaking of usurping shit from nerds…

Number Two: The Rise in Casual Gaming

So I ask those of you that care to read the latest VGCats comic. Read it? Good. I have ranted about “casual gaming” a few times and I honestly now look at “casual gamers” the exact same way I look at “casual drinkers.” Which means I think you are a bunch of pussies. My own opinion and if you disagree go somewhere else. Matter of fact, pick up your Guitar Hero controller…and shove it up your ass. Now to you fuckers that consider “Rock Band” and Guitar Hero” expertise makes you a gamer…you are right in theory. Playing a game in an avid manner does make you a “gamer” but you are a gamer in the same sense that Nelly is a “rapper.” Yes, you do it but what you do isn’t necessarily helpful and it doesn’t make you skilled at any OTHER games so you are really just a “Rock Band Playa” which makes you a “FUCKING FAG-FUCK DOUCHEBAG” if you think you are a “real gamer.” Although there is a mod for Electric Six’s “Gay Bar” which raises it a few levels:

Nothing better than a gay bar. You see, I hate people who cling to the old ways of being in your mother’s basement with Chee-tos and Mountain Dew playing Unreal or Counter Strike for hours on end is the only way to be a “true gamer” but I can and will tell you that they bring up a valid point. For the longest time, people looked down on gamers because they felt we were social rejects because we didn’t want to toss around the pigskin or engage in the homosexual gropefest and dry-humping spectacular that is MMA and UFC. Yes, I called it gay and that is cool just call it what it is. It isn’t manly; it’s foreplay. Anyway, I can’t blame the wannabe superstars on their bastardization of gaming because in the end it is DEVELOPERS that make these games because average games (Which is what Guitar Hero and Rock Band are. There is very little that is new and/or skillful about it and you fucking know it. Play a real instrument, jackass) that sell a shitload to the game-playing deficient are more profitable than GREAT GAMES that only real game players buy because they are fucking hard or require the time and attention to actually play it for several hours. Except Ninja Gaiden. That game is just rape on a disc.

Now I am not going to sit here and say that those games don’t have their place. I have partaken in Rock Band once or twice but I do not consider those people that throw a party, get drunk and attempt to play Foo Fighters “Everlong” on Medium or whatever gamers. I don’t, if you don’t agree take your ass somewhere else. The internetz is vast. I don’t want those players lumped in with people that took the time out to find the magic sword in Zelda or defeat all the Weapons in the Final Fantasy series (EAT A DICK, OMEGA WEAPON!) and can recite the Konami code by heart. We are a different breed. We aren’t necessarily better than you but we are NOT you so stay the HELL OUT OF MY GAME STORES YOU HIPSTER, DOUCHEBAG, COLLER POPPING, FRISBEE GOLF PLAYING, DRUNKEN FUCKFACED COCKMONGERS.

Number Three: Hipster Douchebag Fashions

Okay, I know a lot of you are going to be offended by what I am going to say so I am going to put this in terms even the most brain-dead of you can comprehend. THIS IS NOT FUCKING FASHION:

God, the only think keeping Colin Farrell alive is "In Bruges" because he needs to fucking go. Anyway, this scarf is not for some douche or some bitch who thinks it’s a sweet fashion statement. If I wore a shirt that showed a bloody picture of the King of the Jews (Jebus for those of you that didn’t know he went by that) with a line on it stating “I Wasn’t Supposed To Be In Today!” I figure Christians would be offended. I look at it the same way. Now a lot of you don’t like Muslims and that is fine. They don’t like you and I don’t like you either. I make Jew jokes all the time but at the end of the day there is a line. I don’t really CARE about the line but I try not to cross it unless I truly mean to. To wear clothes as fashion that first of aren’t meant to be worn as fashion is dumb. To wear something that is an important symbol to a religion is just asinine. I look at people who wear the keffiyeh like it is a fucking studded belt as idiots because it just isn’t all that cool looking. You really just look like a douche. If you think it is fashion then…well…that’s cool. You look like a god damn tool though. With that being said I also need to let these same douchebags know that CHE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE ON A FUCKING PEICE OF CLOTHING:

Now on Friday I saw a fucker in a studded belt, tight black pants, a green Che shirt and a keffiyeh and all I could think was “I have to kill this person. If I don’t, he will FUCKING BREED!” Now to each their own when it comes to pretty much everything but man that combination is wrong on so many fucking levels that if you don’t understand why then you need to just go to Canada RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. For what reason is his face on a bikini and baby clothes?! I mean…GOD DAMN IT I HATE PEOPLE SO MUCH. We have to vote for a president out of these fuckers! Either way, this shit needs to stop.

Number 4: Twilight

I’ve never read one of the books, never seen the movie and I don’t even know what the point of it is. All I know is that the vampires twinkle in it. That is the stupidest thing I have ever fucking heard. That’s pretty much it. The shit needs to stop.

Number 5: White People That STILL Feel The Need To Bitch About Not Being Able To Be Racist

You know, I love how we get one Black president and White people think that its catarok and hell week all wrapped up into one in this bitch. America was already going into freefall before he came in. There is no easy fix so shut the fuck up. I didn’t see anyone bitching when shit wasn’t working before. Anyway, I was reading up on Asher Roth because I wanted to buy his album but never got around to it. There was this big uproar about him referring to “nappy headed hoes” on his Twitter and as soon as I heard it all I could say was “Aw hell” because I knew shit was about to hit the fan.

Now in my honest opinion…and some of you will be shocked…but Black people need to shut the fuck up about shit sometimes. Is it really that big of a deal? The phrase is already in our lexicon and vernacular so to be up in arms about it when it is used in context not really dealing with anything is crying wolf. It was a dipshit thing to say on Asher’s part but at the end of the day…maybe he WAS chillin with women of the night that didn’t maintain their hairstyle in a socially acceptable manner. Which equals a nappy headed hoe. You ever thought of THAT?

With that being said it is time for White people to understand something. I reiterate this AT LEAST once a month and you never listen. The simple fact is that at what point should that word even be in your arsenal of used words in a day anyway? I have only heard one person mention nappy heads on TV EVER and that was Martin! The fact that he was even using the word puts him at fault because who even says that? When I hang with my Jewish friends I don’t call them my “Jesus Killing Heebs” or my Mexican friends my “River Crossing Vatos” because that is just fucking dumb. And I am as offensive and indifferent to the feelings of others as anyone…probably moreso. No reason to say it just like there is no real reason to ever say ANY RACIAL OR ETHNIC SLUR. Unless you are talking about the swarthy ass Turks.

But my original point was about White people that STILL BITCH about the fact they can’t say nigger or spic or wop or Aiken. The first question is why? Because Blacks say nigger you should be able to? What kind of logic is that? The argument that it is your word anyway? Well, good luck with that. No one should say it ever but you have the right to say whatever the fuck you want to. Just be prepared that some people are not going to happy with your choice of words. I know people don’t like my choice of words but I stand by them. It is why I watch what the fuck I say! Even if I DO say something that will offend people I have accepted that I will be taken to task for it by someone that feels I am out of line and am prepared to deal with the consequences. White people are like women in that way that they want all the power to say what they want with none of the responsibility of being offensive and hurting others. Congratulations, you are no better than the niggers you hate so much because that is what they do. Yeah, I said it. In the end, quit your bitching and say it if you want to. Just be ready to have the foot broken off in your ass for saying something you didn’t need to say in the first god damn place.

I am out. It is late as hell and I am sick as shit. May not be back up for a few days, so there will definitely be some repeats. I will TRY (READ, PEOPLE! TRY!) to put up an Omnibus for Monday. I am tired so I may just sleep for tomorrow and rest up seeing as how I have to be up at 5am everyfuckingmorning to drive across the state. Oh, and NO I don't have cancer. It was a joke, of you never saw the episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force where Frylock got cancer then it doesnt make sense. And with that I say good night.

Chachi Out

WOLVERINE IN THEATERS NEXT FRIDAY! Sorry, Premature Nerdgasam...

It is another Friday so you know what that means! It’s time for…

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

We have TWO HUGE DEBUTS this week and we begin with a duo that picked up “Video of the Year” honors last year!

20. Kanye West featuring Young Jeezy – Amazing (New Entry)

We begin with the first of our two HUGE DEBUT VIDEOS! Kanye West has returned to the video world and Young Jeezy returns the favor for Kanye’s excellent verse in “Put On.” This video is well…epic. Seeing this on IMAX would probably blow my damn mind.
19. UVERworld – 99/100 Damashi no Tetsu (Last Week #15)
The World looks to be spending its last week on the Countdown as they once again failed to take the top spot with their latest. Will they break the streak with their next one?
18. YUI – Again (New Entry)

MY BABY BOO IS BACK! After a pretty long hiatus (Longer than usual, anyway) YUI has returned to me! Even better it is from the new FMA: Brotherhood series which looks awesome. She stopped doing the squinty eyes thing too…which makes her hella hot.
17. Charles Hamilton - Loser (Last Week #18)
Mr. Hamilton moves up a spot this week but seems to have some slowing momentum going on. Either way, anyone pick up the Asher Roth yet?
16. BACK-ON – flyaway (Last Week #13, Two Weeks at #1)
BACK-ON falls another three spots this week as I am now kind of itching for a new single from these guys. Get on it!
15. Young Money feat Lil Wayne – Every Girl (Last Week #19)
Young Money and Weezy move up a big four spots this week and look to be gaining some momentum. Here is looking for a clean version of the single. And you all know why…
14. Keri Hilson featuring Kanye West & Ne-Yo – Knocks You Down (Last Week #16)

Slowly but surely, Keri Hilson is moving up! She moves up two spots this week but it is all about baby steps.
13. John Legend – Everybody Knows (Last Week #10, One Week at #1)
John Legend falls from the Top Ten this week and looks to have quieted down since being everywhere after Obama got elected. Part of me is happy; I saw the man in a Jack In The Box commercial I think.
12. Namie Amuro - WILD (Last Week #11)
Miss Namie falls a spot this week after coming so close to returning to the Top 10. She hasn’t been there since “Baby Don’t Cry” which was like…March of 2006? Man, that has been a while.
11. T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake – Dead and Gone (Last Week #8)
Tip and Tim fall from the Top 10 this week as well. TI has had a good average of getting videos at number one but this one just fell short. Seems like when you put these two together…they are no John Legend and Andre 3000. I am just saying.
10. Pitbull – I Know You Want Me [Calle Ocho] (Last Week #12)

Mr. 305 is in the Top 10! It is his first time out and he is showing everyone else how you do it! Oh, and the woman in the Brazil shirt is still hot. Had to check…and make sure…she was still there. Now I need a minute.
9. Yuna Ito – Trust You (Last Week #5, Three Weeks at #1)[Plunge of the Week]
After holding the Countdown hostage for three weeks, Miss Ito falls a huge four spots this week! Dare I say it…we may have something new from Yuna soon! God damn it 2009 is the best year ever!
8. Dev Parade – Bachokkoi!! (Last Week #9)
Dev Parade moves up one spot this week after moving up at a rapid pace the last two weeks. With new Naruto openings and ending themes could it be over for them already?
7. Wonder Girls – NOW (Last Week #14, Biggest Mover)

So to all you people calling Yoobin “chunky” and “fat” all I have to say is YOU GO TO HELL! Yoobin looks DAMN GOOD (I would so love to take her to dinner and a movie) and you need to shut the hell up. To prove it, they move up a huge SEVEN SPOTS this week! Take THAT haters.
6. Jesse McCartney featuring Ludacris – How Do You Sleep (Last Week #7)
J-Mac moves up another spot this week and is looking to have his second Top Five video in two months! Pretty good run for him and supposedly the track “Body Language” has a remix with T-Pain which…I am not sure about.
5. Lil Wayne – Prom Queen (Last Week #3)
After moving all the way up to number three last week, Lil Wayne falls two spots this week but stays in the Top Five. With another video on the Countdown and supposedly a second single from his delayed rock album coming soon, he should be fine.
4. Hikaru Utada – Come Back To Me (Last Week #6)
Just outside of the Top Five this week is Hikaru Utada! She is up two spots this week and has slowly crept up the Countdown in a stealth-like fashion. Pretty low key for her first time out. We are down to three!
3. Abingdon Boys School – STRENGTH (Last Week #2)

ABS has been thwarted again! They peaked at number two last week but fall a spot this week and fall short from the top yet again. Luckily, they are back an hopefully will be rocking our faces again soon.
2. Shion Tsuji – Sky Chord ~Otona ni Naru Kimi he~ (Last Week #1, One Week at #1)

After a week on top, Shion falls to the runner up spot! It was a long journey and she finally made it but she wasn’t able to stay long. Also, SCANDAL’S NEW “BLEACH” OPENING KICKS THE ASS! But until that video comes, we have a new number one video!
1. BoA featuring Sean Garrett – I Did It For Love (Last Week #4, One Week at #1)

BoA is back on top! This gives her two number one videos in 2009, tying her with YA-KYIM! This is arguably my favorite song on her album and it has been my favorite song for a few weeks now. Now the video is number one! Let the year of BoA continue!

That is all for this week! Come back next Friday to see if BoA can hold on for a second week! Or will Shion Tsuji take back her throne? Or will Abingdon Boys School show their strength and leapfrog back into dominance? See you in seven to find out!

Slow weekend as I am going to hopefully pick up the BoA CD at Borders and may go downtown if anyone is interested. Until next time, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

S2 - Shallowment Day. They All Can't Be Fucking Gems, Fucky.

Okay, this is part two of the "Shallow Rant" which was actually more of a revisiting after a conversation with a specific person who may know who they are and if you do...I STILL don't know what to tell you. I just don't think getting tattoos make you attractive. Anyone that thinks that must like bumper stickers and flair and should be beaten. Sorry, just my opinion and it's the only one that FUCKING MATTERS ON THIS BLOG SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, EAT A DICK. That is all.

So read on as this is from May of 2008. Yes, it took me over a damn year to revisit something I said in 2007 I was going to go over the next week. Back then I had a lot more energy to rant because I was making a lot more money with a lot less driving. Also, this was I think the last installment of "Learning With Master Chief Captain Chachi" which I am going to bring back at some point. I promise! So, enjoy and be back Friday.

So I really wanted to touch on a topic that I covered a while back because it seemed to need repeating. So as I have gotten older and the clientele of female I know and associate with has done the same (In age, not necessarily in INTELLEGENCE but definitely age. Doing the same shit you were doing when you were twenty and bitching about it as a learning experience isn’t learning….it’s asshatery) I have realized that the act of being shallow hits new lows. Now what bugs me about this isn’t the act of being shallow it is the denial and utter and complete lies that go along with the act. Now I will be the first to admit that I am no Terrance Bi Efron-Howard so some would say I have right to ever be selective in who I decide to (or not to) date/associate with. Let’s look at this with a little bit of logic. I know that is hard if nigh impossible for some of you fucktards but bear with me. Your dumb ass might learn something. So it is time to revisit a few things from my past rants with…

Learnin’ With Master Chief Captain Chachi!

Today’s Topic: Seriously, What Is Wrong With Being Shallow?

Now first things first: I Poppa freaks all the honeys. GRIFF BOY TELL’EM! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Anyway, please understand one thing here: there is a difference (Albeit slight) of being shallow and selective. Being selective means that even though something isn’t your thing you give it a try once. If it doesn’t work out and you would rather not go after than trait again then by all means that shows at least SOME semblance of growth. If you are with a dude that kicks your ass or with a woman that decides that maybe she still wants to be with her ex and you decide “You know, maybe a man that hits me with a brainbuster isn’t for me?” or “Maybe when a woman wants to split time between two dudes that isn’t in my best interest” I don’t think it is shallow to not want to date that kind of person again. That is just being smart. Now I honestly believe that is in RARE cases because at the end of the day, if you end up dating that kind of person more than once you are a dipshit, glutton for punishment or both. Even better, MARRYING that kind of person in which I have to say you are the ultimate in fucktard. Hey, I am in that boat too but I know I was a ticket buyer for the Good Ship Stupidass and I don’t use it as an excuse to still make bad decisions about who I chose. Or who chooses me….I KEEPS IT INTERESTING ON THE PASSION OF CHACHI, BABY!

So if knowing what you don’t want is selective, what makes “shallow?” That is a very good question and all I can say is this: one person’s shallow is another person’s selective. Nothing wrong with having a “no fatties” clause in your dating style if that aint your thing. I personally think unless you were beaten up by a gang of fatties when you were younger (In which all I have to say is you should have just dropped the sandwich and lived another day) then you are being a punk but hey; I feel the same way about Black women so I feel your decision. I have said it before and I will say it again: nothing wrong with being shallow.

However, when you are shallow there are a few rules that you have to follow lest I break your skull open for being a dipshit. And here are those rules:

Rule #1: You Cannot Justify Being Shallow With Past Experiences.

Now I said before that there are times when you date someone and you realize that that person wasn’t right for you and then put all of those people in a box. I reiterate; that is completely fine. The odds of someone saying “Just because he beats you like your last husband/boyfriend doesn’t make him a bad guy!” or “Just because she is cheating on you like your last girlfriend doesn’t make her a whore like she was!” are slim. If you have a friend that is saying that you need to shoot them in the fucking face because they are not worth the air they are stealing from people that deserve it. However, not wanting to date brunettes because “Jill was a brunette” or not wanting to date someone with glasses because “Eric wore glasses” is just stupid. Like I said, to each their own but if you are alone or with a dipshit because you don’t want to date a girl with short hair then it is your own fault. You can’t say shit about there are no good people because your qualifiers for weeding out the opposite sex are fucking stupid.

Rule #2: Accept That Being Shallow Makes You A Worthless Shit.

Listen to me and listen well: being shallow is just like being racist or sexist but worse. At least racism and sexism are grounded in some sort of deep rooted false belief that can be traced back to eras if not generations when people were stupid and simply didn’t know that women or coloreds were people. Women is still debatable but a Black man invented peanut butter AND the stop light. Bitches ain’t made shit. Damn, I am hilarious. The fact is that when you are shallow you are judging someone from what you see externally which makes you no better than Hitler. You telling me that Hitler was like

“The Jews are not people and must be exterminated! Except that one guy, Ishmael. He loves the ‘Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy’ just like me! Boy can he Jitterbug! Great guy he is…but the rest of those heebs must DIE!”

No, Hitler hated all people and felt that his was the master race. And yet, he was ugly as fuck and a Austrian raised in a household of Jews to boot. Which means one thing: not only was he a cock-sucking worthless shit with bad hair (SO not faboo!) that ruined that kick ass mustache for everyone….he was a hypocrite. Just like all shallow people. Being shallow is fine and dandy but just accept yourself for what you are: a worthless, bitch-made coward that deserves to be die alone. But as long as you are good with it, run with that shit like Barry Sanders.

Rule #3: You CANNOT Complain About Being Lonely.

There are two things I never complain about:

1. Not having sex.
2. Being a fattie.

You know why? Because they are of my own doing. I could exercise more but I don’t. I try but man….that shit is hard. Probably should start my own big man dance crew or something. I get funky fresh moves AND get in shape. Usher and Bi watch out! As for the sex thing….that is also of my own doing. In my defense it is usually in defense because I don’t want an STD (Like herpes) or I am just not interested in the person. Not for reasons of being shallow, but for reasons of that woman being crazy, needy or too old. Or sometimes all fucking three. At the end of the day, I take responsibility for that because I could just run around all crazy and lose weight or just take the sex from the ladies that offer it. I don’t and I accept my fate. So with that being said, one cannot complain about being lonely or screwed over because you end up with (Either consciously or unconsciously) the same type of asshats over and over again. Only finding a certain type of person attractive or approachable is fine and well within you to do. That is your choice and dammit we should respect it. However, it is YOUR choice and you are not able to bitch about YOUR bad choices and where they lead you. Now you can use it to reflect or for humor purposes but if your sole argument is that “the opposite sex aint shit” then as Katt Williams said the problem is with you and your clientele. If you opened up your horizons you may not be so unhappy. I did and look at me. I got fucked over…*sigh* again. BUT I change my horizons and that is all that matters. That and I am a different case. Anyone will tell you, my life is just fucking weird when it comes to that. It’s like I attract the crazy, the needy and the masses. I am the Ellis Island for females. Either way, if you are shallow and lonely quit your bitching. You KNOW who you are.

Rule #4: Turnabout Is Fair Play If You Are Shallow. Deal With It.

One thing about being shallow is that you usually attract shallow fucking people. Two shallow people together are like two crackheads: they can only really love each other because normal people will either not put up with that shit or will get screwed over by them and become shallow as well. When you date or marry a crackhead you usually become one OR they treated you so poorly that you can’t find happiness after that person because you have yet to figure out how you could stay with someone so stupid for so long when the answer is that they made you stupid as well and my GOD I SO FUCKING RULE! I just created science right there! I am the Bill Nye of relationships:

When you are shallow your choice of opposite sex is narrowed down to a small few. Usually, they have whittled down THEIR choices to a small few and odds are it isn’t you. So if you are shallow and you play in a small pool and you get turned down you CANNOT BITCH ABOUT IT. It is your own fucking fault for narrowing yourself to a small section of society which kind of creates a little something that West Virginia and Kentucky know all about: inbreeding. When you are show you usually attract shallow people who odds are don’t find you to be what THEY are looking for so you end up being all pissy about your experiences when in the end it is YOUR fault because you look for a section of people that odds are have the brain capacity of a fucking gerbil and half the personality. You ever noticed how most shallow people have the depth of a pomegranate? Remember the "My New Haircut" guy? Yep….that about wraps 75% of men in a nutshell. Oh, and then niggas and thugs so just replace Jagerbombs with Incredible Hulks or Cognac. Niggas, bros and guidos: the unholy trifecta of douchery and fuckery.

At the end of the day, aint nothing wrong with being choosy but you have to accept the choice you made or are making. I get rather annoyed about people “finding themselves” or saying that all women or men are “worthless.” Now I know that there are two or three (Not sure how many readers I officially have as my traffic ranges from two people a day to over 120 some days) of you that will say that all I do is say women are worthless which on the surface is true. But I also state that it isn’t about the sex as a whole, it is about the individuals. Not all women are bad just the same as not all of them are good people. There are shallow, self-absorbed user bitches just like there are women that are intelligent, funny and great conversationalists. Now there are only six…maybe seven of those tops in the United States but they are THERE, DAMMIT! That is all that matters: they exist. If you are shallow, you will never find them because you will be stuck with fucktards and skanks. And Jagerbombs. Good luck with that.

Well, I am off to bed. Be back Friday and send any questions you want answered for the Omnibus. If I get enough demand, I will do it. The power is yours!

Chachi Out

Shallow Waters Bear No Fish. What The Hell Does That Mean?!

First off, WINDOWS 7 FUCKING SUCKS DICK. Seriously, using Blogger on this thing is fucking impossible. Don't even get me started on sending an email through Gmail. Damn near impossible. So I am re-posting a blog from March of 2007 about being shallow. The "Perfection Rant" re-do is coming, I just haven't had the energy to do so. Being on the road FOUR FUCKING HOURS A DAY will do that to a person. I can't wait until I move to Seattle.

Either way, enjoy part one of my addressing of being shallow. You may be shocked about what you hear...

So today I want to try something new. I rant every now and then (a lot less than before but still) but one thing I rarely do is give commentary. I leave that to others, mainly because my commentary turns into an angry diatribe (kind of redundant, eh?) anyway. However, sometimes there are things that I just want to take a second and say a little something on. So today, I have the first installment of…

How Chachi Feels About: Being Shallow

Now as many of you know, I’m a nerd. Total dweeb. One thing that I do as a nerd is look at Ctrl+Alt+Del every morning before I get going at work. It is good stuff, almost has replaced Penny Arcade as my favorite (No one can top the Merch Christmas). As a storyline driven web comic, I have liked a lot of the arcs like the Mac Panthers arc. He has a current arc where Lucas decides to get back on the dating scene and joins a Match.com like dating site. Zeke (an X-Box robot) sets him up on a date behind his back with a heavier woman. The arc basically shows how Lucas is not attracted to her but still goes out with her. Come to find out she ISN’T overweight, just wearing a fat suit and she is actually skinny. He has a good time and the end.

Tim Buckley (not like I know him so I won’t act like I do) gave an explanation this morning about why he portrayed Lucas the way he did after some e-mails from upset people. This made me think. What is wrong with being shallow anyway?

Okay, as a fat, black jerk I can honestly say that I have no reason to be shallow. Hell, I already have three strikes against me and two strikes in the second inning (being sexually ambiguous and nerd count against me, too). Yet, I think being ‘shallow’ is confused with having certain standards, right or wrong. Case in point: I don’t like skinny women. Hell, I don’t like skinny people in general. Call it jealousy, call it a preference but if I had my choice I would not date a skinny woman no matter what my size because I don’t find that initially attractive. Does that make me shallow? In terms of the way the word is used now, yes it does. Does that mean I won’t talk to that person if I like her personality? Hell no. Will that curb my physical attraction to her? Hells no because if you love someone solely based on how they look, good luck with that.

On the flip side, I also understand that I am not the ideal for most women. I’ve been told by women that they don’t find fat guys attractive. Can’t blame them for that at all. Who would I be to judge them when I do the exact same thing (albeit reversed)? It may hurt, it may suck and it may mean they miss out on the 100% Grade-A Mancake but it is their fucking choice. I have been told by one girl in particular (Who was Mormon. Bad move on MY PART) that she liked me but didn’t date black men. I was surprisingly okay with that. You know why? Because I don’t date black women, or they don’t date me spin that how you want. That was her choice and although I didn’t like it I (sadly) respected it. Even weirder was when we DID date and I met her dad when I picked her up and all he could do was stare and sloooooowly close the door in confusion. Is that shallow? No, that is a choice. I know this all too well because for a long time I wasn’t en vogue not because of my weight but because I was TOO DARK when light-skins were hot (Fuck Christopher Williams). Griff can tell you, that shit HURTS. Was it fair? No, and I will stick by that to this day because I am a SEXY SHADE OF MOCHA! I accepted it as a choice they made and to each their own.

So quite simply is being ‘shallow’ a bad thing? Well, yes and no. Just like anything there are pros and cons to being choosy. If the military took anyone and everyone that enlisted because they were desperate the drunk, ugly sorority girl at a frat party we would be….you know that joke is too easy. If you aren’t attracted to women with tattoos (Especially at the small of the back. REAL ORIGINAL) because you think that shows a personality of being weak and easily influenced then that is your choice. If you think that a guy that watches cartoons isn’t your type because it means they never grew up and shows immaturity, it is quite alright. The simple fact is that we are by nature ‘shallow’. Looks matter and that is the bottom line.

However, with people being like snowflakes being ‘shallow’ really limits you. If everyone looked alike and had the same ideal of beauty, it would be…well creepy. I don’t like all of the same traits Rick likes in a woman (we’ve been over this) but several overlap. I am not a fan big boobs (especially fake ones. CREEPY), for the most part he digs ‘em like Sugar Smacks. He isn’t about the illegal shift in the backfield but I am all about that 5-yard penalty. Yet, we both aren’t fans of tattoos or smokers. That still gives a wide spectrum of women out there that we find attractive. That being said, once you get past that, there is a very important factor that outweighs that: personality.

Now that is when being shallow can truly fuck you over. I for one am the exception to this rule because if you don’t like the cover of this book you sure as HELL aint going to like the story. If I hear another person say ‘he was cute but he was such a jerk!’ or ‘she was hot but man she was a bitch’ I will rip your lower mandible out and use it as a fucking cup holder. This is when I use the word shallow. Not to describe a person, but their PERSONALITY. A shallow personality is one that is devoid of any depth or originality. A pretty woman that has no sense of humor is not sexy. She may be a physical specimen but for the most part, you can’t have sex all day. At some point you have to talk about SOMETHING and when you do, if she or he is shallow it is going to SUCK. Since the majority (okay, all) of my time is spent NOT having sex the ability to relate and have fun with someone is key. Having a great personality actually should (and for me does) make up for not fitting into my ‘ideal’. Is it the same for everyone? No, some people have a box and if you don’t fit in that box then it is on to the next girl/guy. Again, there is nothing wrong with that. Keep in mind; people don’t like to be in boxes. They keep on escaping, and then you have to use the cattle prod…let’s just say it’s not worth it.

So back to the original point: how does the Chachi feel about being shallow? It is a part of being human. Everyone has their preferences and there is nothing wrong with that. Keep in mind, it is an INDIVIDUAL preference. With the rise of Maxim, Cosmo, Spike TV and Sex in the City (dumbest fucking show EVER) people are really falling into this ‘ideal beauty’ that is portrayed and if that is your thing then do it to it. No matter how ‘unbiased’ you are, you have preset ideas of what is attractive to you. So don’t get pissy when someone else’s are different from yours or aren’t you. If someone doesn’t find a trait about you attractive, odds are you weren’t right for that person anyway. If you were, then they just missed out on the greatest thing to happen since all-natural applesauce. At least that’s the lie I tell myself to get to sleep without crying. Just kidding, everyone is beautiful. Nothing wrong with being ‘shallow’ but you could be missing out.

Well, I am out for now. Not sure how I about periodically reposting old blogs because I have just been to pissed off to do much updating. Sorry, peeps I will do something this Sunday. Maybe an Omnibus if I get a few questions to answer. I have been sitting on some for a while and may get to them then. Until then, I think I will post my sequel to the "Shallow Rant" that I put up in May of 2008 which I always thought was bloodly hilarious. I will let you be the judge.

I will definitly be back for the Countdown on Friday. Until, stay up ya'll.

Chachi Out

Fetishes: Creeping Me Out Since I First Saw Bukkake.

What is up, peeps?! I am back on the scene with a few things to get off of my chest…

Issue #1: Furries Freak Me Out Officially

Now at first I never understood what my friends distain for furries was about. I mean from what I knew it was just people that liked to dress up as animals as a lifestyle choice when they had teh sex. Now I for one am not one to judge because my Japanese schoolgirl/Wonder Girls fetish is very well known if not complete public knowledge. So I for one cannot hate on anyone that wants to engage in a little role play. However, I actually was cool with furries until I found out that they don’t just dress up AS animals…they think they have ANIMAL SPIRITS and they are channeling it via dressing as them. Then fucking. Yeah…fuck no. YOU SICK FREAKS.

Now I will be the first to admit that I am not one to talk but god damn it I now believe that furries need to be rounded up and put in concentration kennels. Yeah, I so went there! As deviant as I can be (And a select few of you know that I am a creepy dude) I am not going to dress up as an animal because I believe I am a cat trapped in a human body. That is just dumb. Now if you excuse me, I am going watch me some Hinoi Team:

Two of them are legal! I will leave it up to you to figure out the two. Just so you know, in Japan that shit don’t matter and that is why that place is awesome.

Issue #2: Black Dudes With Bad Haircuts

Okay, about a month ago I was told that Bobby Valentino had a shag. First off, I am sure that is NOT his real name. If it is, that dude should be doing gay porn because that is the gayest name since Rumpert Thrusterton. Secondly, I didn’t really know much about the guy except from the “Slow Down” video from a few years ago and I said “Hey, Al B. Sure’s little brother must have made an album” because that is who he looked like. So the other day I actually saw him on TV for the first time in a few years and lo and behold…this grown ass man had a GOD DAMN SHAG IN THE BACK OF HIS GOD DAMN HEAD:

Aint that bout a bitch? I for one will admit that I had a shag. All of us did, so don’t front. The operative word in that sentence is DID! The shag went out about three weeks after it came to pass and this man is rocking it today! He just went to fucking Food Lion to get groceries and he had a god damn shag! That makes no sense! Now I love me some Kanye West no matter what people think so eat a dick and stop reading of you have a problem with that. Seriously, life aint that major. Yet…this mad a Afr-ullet:

How can someone leave the house looking like that?! I have had several folical faux paus but man that is just some godless shit right there! And now that I have your attention, what is it with Black men and the mohawk? I am sorry but unless you listen to punk or are Mr. T you DO NOT NEED A MOHAWK, BLACK OR WHITE:

I pity the foo that still has a mohawk and and down with moshpit! Or aint T! If you ain’t T, then you a foo! Aaaaahhh, the 80’s: when shit didn’t make sense and we were to coked up to care.

Well, that is all for now. I will try to be back up by Wednesday for something or I may put up my old rant on perfection from last year. It’s kind of long but it is one of my favorites and I have been putting up reposting it for a bit. Until next time, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Another Friday, Another Blizzard. By The End Of 2009 I Am So Out...But First!

Well, it is a cold and snowy Friday…in FUCKING APRIL but you know I got what you came here for on a Friday (Albeit late as hell)!

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

Let’s get started shall we?

20. BoA - Eien (Last Week #16)
We start off with BoA. All I have to say is…THE FULL VIDEO IS OUT! THE FULL VIDEO IS OUT! That is all, talk amongst yourselves.
19. Young Money feat Lil Wayne – Every Girl (New Entry)

So we have a debut from one Lil Wayne and the Young Money staff. I can honestly do without the first 15 seconds of vulgarity but the rest of the song is pure gold IMHO. And holy shit, its JAE MILLS! I thought you were dead!
18. Charles Hamilton - Loser (Last Week #20)
Charles Hamilton moves up two spots this week as we have more hip hop videos on the Countdown than I can remember for a while. It’s kind of…scary.
17. Jesse McCartney – It’s Over (Last Week #14)
J-Mac falls three spots this week with his first ever Countdown entry. So…am I the only one going to see “17 Again” tonight? IT’S THE EFF!
16. Keri Hilson featuring Kanye West & Ne-Yo – Knocks You Down (Last Week #17)
Keri, Ne-Yo and Kanye move up one spot this week. So her album doesn’t sound too bad. However, I am waiting for the Asher Roth so no go for now. 4/20, fools!
15. UVERworld – 99/100 Damashi no Tetsu (Last Week #12)

The World falls three spots and I have to say I am looking forward to some newness from them. I honestly thought Bleach would ping them for their 10th opening but I was wrong about that. More on Bleach later!
14. Wonder Girls – NOW (Last Week #18, Biggest Mover)
Yeah…I love them. Just got the dance version of the video and I realized something. These girls…can’t dance. At all. But DAMN they look good when they try!
13. BACK-ON – flyaway (Last Week #10, Two Weeks at #1)
BACK-ON falls from the Top 10 for the first time in over three months I believe. They have had a great run and I think this is the beginning of a new album this winter. HELLS YEAH.
12. Pitbull – I Know You Want Me [Calle Ocho] (Last Week #15)
Pitbull is shocking a lot of people this week as he jumps up three spots this week. He isnt the first latin rapper to make it on here. I mean, if you count Daddy Yankee as rap I mean.
11. Namie Amuro - WILD (Last Week #13)

Namie moves up two big spots this week as she looks for her first Top 10 video since 2006. Okay, I know the dancing leaves something to be desired but did you see her in the Coke Zero commercial? FIY-YAH!
10. John Legend – Everybody Knows (Last Week #8, One Week at #1)
We start the Top Ten with John Legend who falls two spots. He has been laying low since the premire of this video. I guess with T.I. in jail we wont be seeing a video for “Slideshow.”
9. Dev Parade – Bachokkoi!! (Last Week #11)
BRINGING IT TO THE TOP TEN! Dev Parade moves up two spots and gives the Naruto song collection their sixth Top Ten video! Oddly enough, only FLOW’s Re:Member and nobodyknows+ got to the top. BACHOKKOI TO NUMBER ONE!!
8. T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake – Dead and Gone (Last Week #5)
Guess T.I. is gonna be gone for a while now. Gonna miss the little guy. I wonder what Justin Timberlake will do without his street cred…ZING!
7. Jesse McCartney featuring Ludacris – How Do You Sleep (Last Week #9)

J-Mac and Luda are moving on up! With his second Top 10 video in two weeks, can Jesse finally take that next step and take over the Countdown? We will have to see!
6. Hikaru Utada – Come Back To Me (Last Week #7)
I MISSED UTADA ON AMERICAN TV!! She was on one of the early shows and I missed it! DAMN IT I MISSED MY BABY BOO!
5. Yuna Ito – Trust You (Last Week #1, Three Weeks at #1)
Oh nooooo! After three weeks of dominating the Countdown, Yuna Ito falls a big five spots to nuber five this week. That means we have a new number one! She had a great run and now is battling Yui for the biggest female artist on the Countdown. Do we have a new queen?
4. BoA featuring Sean Garrett – I Did It For Love (Last Week #6)

Not If BoA has anything to do about it. Also…FULL VIDEO, FOOL! Hell yes, she is hot and you so know it. Now if you excuse me…I have to marvel at her beauty. I will see you in the Top Three.
3. Lil Wayne – Prom Queen (Last Week #4)

We are back and Lil Wayne has moved into the Top Three! He has a new video out with Young Money but he is still hanging on with this one here. So…when is the album coming out, jerk?
2. Abingdon Boys School – STRENGTH (Last Week #3)

TM and Company are one step away! Abingdon Boys School are looking for their second number one video and their first since 2007’s “HOWLING” took the top in the spring. Can they return to the top once again? Well, to do so they will have to knock off our new number one video!
1. Shion Tsuji – Sky Chord ~Otona ni Naru Kimi he~ (Last Week #2, One Week at #1)

After three months, Shion Tsuji has taken the crown! She knocked off a veteran in Yuna Ito and held off former top spot holders Abingdon Boys School to prove she deserves to be on top. Also, the new opening by Scandal is bad ass. This also gives Bleach their fifth number one video and their first from a closing theme!

That is all for this week! Tune in next Friday to see if Shion can make it two weeks on top! Or can Abingdon Boys School rock to the top once again? Or will Lil Wayne take the top for the first time? See you in seven to find out!

Well, Happy Birthday to Zach and see 17 Again! It was pretty damn good and Zac Efron is FRICKIN HOT. I’m just saying. Be back either next week or maybe Sunday night. Peace out, ya’ll!

Chachi Out

Everytime You Say Web 2.0, A Kitten Dies. Think About It...

What is up ya’ll?! I am back for a quick update as I do laundry and get ready for another 12 hour day…with four of them in fricking transit. God, I am really beginning to hate this. However, I do have my brand new avatar for my work IM:

BIG BABY JESUS, MOTHERFUCKER! I gotta have my small victories, you know. Oh, and I quoted A Pimp Named Slickback to boot. Yeah, I find ways to be happy.

So a few things I need to get off my chest…

Issue #1: Stop Doing The Electric Slide

Okay, I understand that people think that because I am Black that I am supposed to LOVE the electric slide. Well, first off I am not that good at it. Yes it is an easy dance and I know the movments but it is a dance that has passed its service. I mean seriously:

I mean I hate the Soulja Boy now with a passion (There was about three weeks when I liked it…then I sobered up) but at least its recent. This dance is 108 years old! I am not going to say it’s an old dance but Jesus did this at the last supper! I mean, it was before his feet got nailed so he was a lot better on the good foot. Yeah…I’m going to hell. Anyway, who still does the electric slide? Old Black people and old White people. Yeah, line dancing is just the electric slide sped up to accommodate even those with the most lacking of rhythm. I think that it is officially time to retire the electric slide. Instead we need to bring back dancing in prisons!

I’m sure Chris Brown will be able to do this better once he gets in. Aw, snap! Yeah, I gots Chris Brown jokes for days. Also Rihanna jokes but they are all about not being able to take a punch and the size of her forehead.

Issue #2: Chasing Is For Coyotes

So the other day I had a discussion with a friend about a situation a few weeks back where I was forced to mingle with people at happy hour. I am not really an engaging person but when I have to be I can so some semblance of a personality. It seemed that I was having an okay time taking to some friends of the person I went with and after the fact we went to have sushi and she asked me if I asked her friend for her number to which I responded no. Now after this there was a pretty interesting discussion about what pursuit when it comes to attraction really means.

From what I gathered, it pretty much means that a man is supposed to chase a woman until she decides otherwise. As a man you have to know WHEN she is ready to stop lest you get hemmed up by the party patrol and I don’t mean Loverboy. You see, I stood by my logic that attraction should be two ways and if it is then both parties should acknowledge interest, whether covert or overly. If a man opens up to a woman and shows interest and she backs away for any other reason aside of lack of interest she is wasting both peoples time. You see, no means no so if a man stops chasing because you are being coy and back away you can’t get pissed off. In this case I didn’t say anything because I run under the assumption that everyone hates me. It sounds like a bad outlook but you are always happy to meet new people when you think everyone wants to drink your blood. However if the other party is interested, just conversation isnt really a way to show that you want to go past the cordial hello. If that is the case then I am a whore because I will talk to anyone at a party, bar, convention or club because if you are going to sit on the wall and judge people or be a party-pooper then take your ass somewhere else. You don’t HAVE to be at a party so make the most of it or get the fudge out. With that being said, I have mentioned on here before that I understand the logic behind the chase. Everyone wants to be desired. However, the PROBLEM with the chase is the same problem I see with trying to get attention. If you wear something revealing you are going to get attention and not always from the people you want it from. You have to accept that. If a man drives a nice care he is looking for attention but some times he doesn’t get the attention he wants. Like somebody jacking his shit. You know where I am going, I have went there before so I am not going to go into detail. Just know what I mean and the correlation.

So is the chase really pivotal? Well…no. I think that the chase should be negated by getting to know someone. That is just me, I’m usually wrong but I think finding out that a person is borderline insane is better than seeing if he will call you back after you ignore his first call. I’m just saying…you avoid a lot of shit by doing research wather than playing grab ass. Wasting time doing that makes it your own fault when that nutty nigga is playing beat ass with your face. Yeah, I said it!

Well, that is all for now. Kind of sleepy and I have been late for everyday for like a month or so. I will try to be back Thursday. Definitly back for the Countdown on Friday. Until then, stay up.

Chachi Out

What Do Jesus and Uncle Ben Parker Have In Common? NEITHER IS COMING BACK, MOFOS! ZING!

You know you LOL'D at that blog title. If you didnt...it aint gonna get no better. So you may want to leave now. I hear the Hannah Montana movie is out; go see that shit instead.

What is up, peeps! After another rather average weekend it is time to begin another work week but until then, I need to tell people something. No one gives a fuck about Easter except Catholics and furries. Seriously, if you believe in the story of Magical Jesus’s Crucifix Emporium you are a moron (Yeah, I said it) and if you are into the whole Easter Bunny thing then you are a furry and deserve nothing less than FUCKING DEATH. Yeah, I said that too. The fact that people believe the story of Jesus and creationism (Oh, and his eventual Hulk Hogan-like comeback agains the forces of the…Sith?) but cannot accept that he was a Jew which is actually logical and tangible I have to say…your religion is bullshit as a truth. If you ubelieve that it is a kick-ass story full of intrigue and utter contridictions then that is good. But if you celebrate this day because you think the shit actually happened…no. Just no. Stop telling me the story like it makes sense, either.

This goes to all of you religions, too. None of your religions are right so it over it and get over yourselfs. There is nothing wrong with not fucking knowing so STOP MAKING SHIT UP. If you are a Christian, Catholic or whatever and you are offended then you are a fucktard because what I say shouldn’t matter because the word of the Bible is paramount and my insulting of it means nothing because my actions will make it so that I will never know the kingdom of heaven so my words should be moot to you. Besides, if heaven is full of zombies, children hepped up on candy and furries then I say you take your heaven and shove it up your ass. I BID THE GOOD DAY…MOTHERFUCKA! Got to keep it real.

So my distain for your bullshit book and asinine beliefs aside, if you believe in Special J then have fun this Easter and be sure to watch some Korean action movies! It’s what I do on Easter. You color eggs, eat candy, fast and praise the teachings and well deserved death of a mouthy Jew. I watch “The Good, The Bad, The Weird” so it all evens out:

Hells yeah. Byung-Hun Lee > Jesus H. Christ. Yeah, I said it. He is fucking hot and you so know it. I will try to be back up on Monday or Tuesday with something. Until then, stay up and Happy Zombie Jew Day! You know, if I actually had readers people may have been pissed off by this. Since I don’t, I can say what I want! The Wolven bless America!

Chachi Out

WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND! But First...

What is up, peeps! It is another Friday which means its time for…

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

We begin with a new entry from one of hip hops new faces!

20. Charles Hamilton - Loser (New Entry)

We start this week with a young cat in hip hop. Charles Hamilton has been in my ear for a while and this song has become one of my favorites. I am wondering what is up with some album work.
19. B.o.B. – I’ll Be In The Sky (Last Week #15, Plunge of the Week)
Bobby Ray falls four big spots this week as it looks like his run on the Countdown may be coming to an end. He is in a new video with Willy Northpole which so far isn’t half bad.
18. Wonder Girls – NOW (New Entry)

DAMN YOU, JYP! Yoo Bin and the rest of the girls have officially began their plan to get me vanned because they are back. This one is a remake and it looks like my baby boo has put on some curves. ME RIKEY!
17. Keri Hilson featuring Kanye West & Ne-Yo – Knocks You Down (Last Week #19)
Keri Hilson moves up two spots this week as we all saw the episode of South Park this last week and it was damn funny. I personally don’t like fish sticks. Wait, I just got it!
16. BoA - Eien (Last Week #13)
Okay, where in the hell is her album?! I AM THROUGH PLAYING AROUND OVER HERE! I can’t find it anywhere and I know we are in Colorado but damn it there are some Koreans here! Like….12 or so. And they want it as much as I do!
15. Pitbull – I Know You Want Me [Calle Ocho] (Last Week #17)
So um…this video is hot. That is all. Seriously that girl in the Brazil shirt and green skirt will be my baby boo because she is FIY-YINE!
14. Jesse McCartney – It’s Over (Last Week #11)

J-Mac falls three spots this week as we move along. Did anyone see Zac Efron on Interview magazine? Yeah, nothing to do with this but he was HAWT.
13. Namie Amuro - WILD (Last Week #14)
Namie climbs one spot this week and looks to be slowing a bit. It has been a long time since she has been in the Top Ten, too.
12. UVERworld – 99/100 Damashi no Tetsu (Last Week #9)
The World falls three spots and out of the Top 10 this week after getting five videos from their latest album on the Countdown over the last calendar year. Although none went to number one, The World is back!
11. Dev Parade – Bachokkoi!! (Last Week #16, Biggest Mover)

Dev Parade moves up a big five spots this week as they are looking to “bring it” to the Top 10! You know, I think only one Naruto ending has ever made it on the Countdown ever (Home Made Kazoku, I believe) so this is kind of big seeing as the dominance Bleach has had.
10. BACK-ON – flyaway (Last Week #7, Two Weeks at #1)
We start the Top 10 with BACK-ON! They finally broke through and took the number one spot with this video but they fall this week a big three spots. They better give me something new.
9. Jesse McCartney featuring Ludacris – How Do You Sleep (Last Week #12)
More J-Mac! Jesse McCartney is in the Top 10 for the second time in 2009 and I am wondering exactly if J-Tim is going to make a comeback or be the 2009 Lil’ Wayne?
8. John Legend – Everybody Knows (Last Week #5, One Week at #1)
John Legend falls this week as his status of greatest artist on the Countdown has pretty much been solidified. Not if Yui has anything to say about it…BECAUSE SHE IS BACK! More on that in a bit…
7. Hikaru Utada – Come Back To Me (Last Week #8)

Miss Utada climbs up a spot this week with her video for HOPEFULLY the second big release from the East. BoA has disappeared from record stores and this song is actually playing in some places. NICE!
6. BoA featuring Sean Garrett – I Did It For Love (Last Week #10)
Speaking of BoA, she moves up four big spots this week and is right outside of the Top Five once again. WHERE IS THE FULL VERSION OF THIS VIDEO! Stop pissing me off, Steve and make it happen!
5. T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake – Dead and Gone (Last Week #2)
T.I. falls three spots this week to number five after two weeks at the runner up spot. Tip is challenging John Legend and Kanye West for the title of King of the Countdown and he will be gone for a while which means someone else may be able to take his place…
4. Lil Wayne – Prom Queen (Last Week #6)
…Like Young Weezy? Lil Wayne moves up higher than he has ever been as he takes the number four spot this week. With the Young Money video almost a lock for the Countdown could this be the year of Wayne…again? We are down to three!
3. Abingdon Boys School - STRENGTH (Last Week #4)

A familiar face is back! TM Revolution has Abingdon Boys School just two steps away from their second number one video! I am so hoping that the album comes soon because…IT’S FRICING TM, THAT’S WHY!
2. Shion Tsuji – Sky Chord ~Otona ni Naru Kimi he~ (Last Week #3)

YUI IS BACK! Yes, I know Shion Tsuji is a step away from her first number one video ever but…YUI IS BACK! ON FULL METAL ALCHEMIST NO LESS! You know my love/hate with that show (So…the MOVIE IS THE ENDING?!) but damn it I AM SO READY! Just got the first episode, too. Shion is doing a great job, but another lady has topped the chart this week once again!
1. Yuna Ito – Trust You (Last Week #1, Three Weeks at #1)

Yuna Ito spends her third week on top! You know my love for Miss Ito so I won’t even go into it. But she has been dominating so far and looks to not let up anytime soon. Although her song with Spontania is just as awesome, this song is one of my favorites. Congrats!

That is all for this week! Can Yuna Ito make it a full month on top? Or will rookie Shion Tsuji make it the FIFTH Bleach song to make it to numbe one? Or will Abingdon Boys School usurp Aqua Timez as the premier J-Rock group of the Countdown? See you in seven to find out!

Well, odds are it is the movies tonight and then maybe some soju but probably not. I need to get some sleep because I am LACKING. Until next time, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out