Oh, snap its Monday! It’s the beginning of the work week and I am back on the scene! Wow, an Omnibus yesterday AND a new post today? I spoil the peeps, what can I say? First things first, I need to get something off my chest:
SIXTY EIGHT!
Sixty eight fucking friend requests since Sunday morning on MySpace. First off, I don’t even have five friends now and I bet even FEWER want to become my friend. So SASSY18XXX and flirty1990 I don’t want to be your friend. EVER. Stop filling up my inbox with this shit, I don’t know what the benefit but if I find who is doing this I am going to piss on their damn cat. And that’s from the heart.
You know, there are some things out there that need to be stopped. For those of you who are down for The Revolution (pretty much Zach right now) I believe that it is time to set some guidelines. Seeing as how I have ‘megalomaniacal tendencies coupled with histrionic narcissism and delusions of grandeur’ I was bound to create a new Ten Commandments anyway. Oh, and I was actually called ALL of those things in college except ‘histrionic’ but seeing as how often I get ‘attempted surprise sex’ forced on me over the last year or so maybe I DO exude inappropriate seductiveness. In other words, I’m kind of a slut.
Back to the piz-oint. It is about time that I laid down the groundwork of The Revolution! The Revolution is about bucking current rules! To…create new ones. Christianity did it, and at least I am consistent! Oh, and I’m not a Jew. Now peeps, I give to you the laws that will shape the new Chach-topia (I’m working on it, a-hole)! I give to you the first installment of…
The Rules of Chachi!
Rule #1: Pop Thy Collar, Get Popped In Thy Fucking Face.
This goes to bros and preppy Black people. Popping up the collar is cool for three people and three people only: The Fonz, John Travola (Saturday Night Fever ONLY) and Patrick Swayze. That is it. Popping your collar up is to bros like extended feathers is for peacocks and heat is for cats. You are asking for an ass shellacking. Seriously, combined with DMB and Mario Party it is the mating call for the bros. Besides, it is fucking stupid looking. After the Revolution, there will be a place for people who flip their collars up on purpose. That place is bent over a bunk in prison getting pounded like taiko drum because being a bro will be an offense punishable with jail time.
Rule #2: Being A Whore Will Be Rewarded
This is the ultimate in negative reinforcement. For every five people you sleep with that you never come into contact with again (one night stands, fuck buddies, etc.), you get a stripe. Just like in the military! Once you hit 50, you then get a star and for every 10 above that you get another star! The thing is that the stars and stripes are tattooed. Not so nice, is it now? That way, everyone knows your path in life which leads into your fucking pants and everyone knows it. Not only that, the stars are colored in reference to what kind of sex it was. Anal gets a brown star, oral gets a white star and so on and so forth. Any woman that engages in bukkake or DVDA automatically becomes a 5-star slut general! Any man that takes part in a gang-bang/surprise sex or DVDA gets only one star. Except every time he does it, the star is tattooed on his fucking wang. Better make it count, asshat! Why am I doing this? Because if you are going to put yourself out there, might as well let the world know. The Revolution will not allow skanks and gigalos! We don’t want to pee fire.
Rule #3: Ballin Out Of Control! I Wouldn’t.
As we know, The Revolution will be BALLIN! However, within reason will it ball. Excessive ballin will not be tolerated. There will be a tax for every piece of bling blong you wear over 3 chains, one watch and one earring (Two for the ladies. Ladies gotta shine, too!). Also, any entourage over 10 people is susceptible to fines up to $20,000 per person over the limit. Oh, and for the video ‘vixens’ no more than three videos per year. Sick and tired of every other city I go. In every other damn video. Hell, no matter where I go I am seeing the same hoooooes.
Owners of vehicles with any technological advancement that cost more than THE VEHICLE THEY ARE IN will be fined severely. There is no need for a fucking $2,000 TV screen and a $1,000 sound system in a 1987 Cutlass. Speaking of cars, any rim above the size of 20” MUST BE ON AN SUV. I know you just bough 24” rims but lets face it, they don’t look cool on a Ford Taurus. Oh, and spinning rims are done. No Reggie Miller or Meatloaf comebacks. Give them up, they were stupid in 2004 and they are stupid now. Punishment for having these is having the ball bearing removed. R-tards.
Rule #4: Being A Whore May Be Rewarded, Dressing Like One IS NOT.
Okay. Ladies, this is mainly for you but the men don’t get off easy. First off, half jackets are not cool. Either get real coat or go without. Second off, fur isnt murder. It is just fucking tacky as hell. Any woman caught wearing fur will have to fight the animal that fur came from to the death. If it’s synthetic, they have to fight LaToya Jackson Gladiator-style. For any woman wearing a belt that doesn’t actually HOLD UP THEIR PANTS, she will be lashed 5 times with said belt. I will do the lashing. Giggity!
Any woman that complains about her feet hurting in shoes that look like a tourniquet will be clipped by Ric Flair. He needs the money, anyway. I am sick of women complaining about how their feet hurt after ‘dancing’ for several hours and drunkenly staggering from club to club in shoes that look like a gothic torturing device. Shut the fuck up and invest in some god damn Keds or something. Oh, and heels aren’t for everyday situations just like tennis shoes aren’t on the male side of fashion. Fashion is one part style, one part comfort and one part originality. Remember that. Only then can you truly be CHACHI FAB-YOU-LOUS!
For the men… WEAR A SHIRT THAT FITS! Seriously, it’s great you work out. I don’t and I am not jealous. However, I am fat as fuck and I still manage to find clothes that fit. Do the same. Men in tight shirts with be put into a vice and squeezed until their eyes almost pop out of their fucking head. Either that, or poked with a needle in that one big vein on their arm so the shoot blood out like a fountain until they sadly bleed to death. The shirt wasn’t such a good idea now, was it?!
Ladies…cover your ass. The Revolution is sponsored by big booties and curvy hips but come on. I don’t need to see your ass crack OR your gully hole. For every woman that wears something that doesn’t cover her goods she will not be allowed to be upset for any fucktard that films her wearing such and posts it on the internet. Sucks to be stupid, your gully hole becomes public when you don’t cover it up adequately.
Lastly, boobs. Put them away. You have them, so the hell what. If you don’t want them looked at, cover them up. If people still look and they are covered up, then you have a beef. The Revolution doesn’t stand for men being perverts, but it also doesn’t stand for women being stupid. If you wear something that shows or can show areola then you have no valid complaint for anyone staring. Oh, and do not push them together. It’s not cute, it screams ‘money shot’ and that’s about it. Congrats, you are one step away from porn. They at least get PAID to take a shot in the face. Or a LOT of shots to the face (see Jasmine Byrne. She is a champ!) but porn stars are rather well compensated, on the other hand you may get several drinks, a night you forget and a lifetime of regret. Yay, alcohol and poor decisions! Speaking of alcohol…
Rule #5: Alcohol Is Not A Defense for Stupid
The Revolution is powered by Malibu/Captain Morgan/Grey Goose. That is a known fact. That being said, the Revolution will drink responsibly. Alcohol will not be an excuse for:
• Cheating (Yeah, I went there bitch. Personal issue, let’s move on shall we?)
• Any Kind of Abuse (Physical, verbal or mental. That shit is not cool. That goes DOUBLE for women. A drunk woman threatening you is a lose-lose for a man no matter what happens, let me tell you)
• Random Stupid Sexual Acts In Public (Yeah, I need to practice what I preach…)
• Random Stupid Sexual Acts In Private (Yeah, I need to practice what I preach…again. Even worse, I don’t even remember it. Absinthe, its GRRREEN!)
• Saying Something You “Wouldn’t Say” Sober (I am going on the record that 92% of what I say drunk I would say sober, just faster and not preceded by ‘You don’t know…you…you don’t know!)
Long story short, ‘Baby I was drunk!’ will not be allowed as a defense after The Revolution. I actually considered banning alcohol altogether after the take off of mojitos (can I have ANY-FUCKING-THING anymore?!) but then I realized something: RUM RULES ALL. Pirates knew it. Sinatra knew it. The Carthaginians knew it and now you do. Besides, there is nothing wrong with a casual drink every now and then. Hell, I really don’t see anything wrong with drinking in excess if you aren’t going to be a fucktard or going to drive (Of which I do both. W00T! God, take a joke…I’m not a fucktard when I’m drunk). I DO see something wrong with blaming the alcohol for your dumbass decisions or using it as a crutch to get through tough spots of your life (Which I didn’t do. I used PORN to get through the tough parts of my life, thank you very much) and in the Revolution it will not be accepted. After two dipshit moves, you are barred from drinking for 30 days. After a third time, its six months and forced rehab on how to handle your drinking. You see, it isn’t about not doing it. It is about doing it in moderation and to please the voices in your head about kidnapping Sarah Michelle Gellar and forcing her to do one more season of Buffy. Not…that I do that or anything.
I will be dropping the rest of the Rules of Chachi on you soon. The Revolution will have order! It will also be about the ladies. Songs for the ladies and jheri curls!
Yeah, now THAT is how you end a post. Stay up peeps.
Chachi Out.
