What is up, peeps?! I am back with a new post because for one I am bored and for two I am still rather pissed off at life. Eh, things should look up soon. At least they better for the sake of the lives of puppies everywhere. Anyway, I was browsing the internet and found MORE bad relationship advice! Wheee! Or it could be good, because all of mine have ended in tears, stalking and a tossed kitten. But still, I felt that these ideas wouldn’t have helped her, let alone any woman. But what do I know, read for yourselves.
Give him a job: Ask him to fix or build you something. Performing concrete tasks is a way of bonding that enhances his sense of success.
Um…..what? Okay, let me get this straight: a way to get a man to fall in love with you….is to make him do things for you? Understand this, bitch. The emancipation proclamation was signed over 200 years ago and I assure you that about 95% of slaves hated good ol’ massa. The last 5%, well they were in need of Catcher Freeman:
See, that last 5% is who that bullshit is for. Now it SHOULD say doing a task together but as we all know, men and women can never be a team, that’s why marriages fail at a 50% clip and there are so many babydaddys out there. This is fucking dumb. Then again, I date like once a fiscal quarter so what do I know?
Ask his opinion. Whether it's about your 401(k) options or the best travel sites, it telegraphs that you value his brain as much as you do his brawn.
I already know I am well beyond your realm of comprehension! On the moon, we are great spellers! There is seriously no need to ask me about shit that is irrelevant. Case in point, while in college a female friend of mine and I were having a discussion on chauvinism and my girlfriend at the time showed up after class and kind of looked…well, lost. So the next day, she wanted to talk politics in a non-election year. Which I was cool with but after about ten minutes I knew she had no idea what she was talking about and really didn’t care about the subject. Now I was supposed to look at that as her wanting to interact and be around me but in the back of my head I thought “Why is she humoring me like this? Does she not think I could just be with her and be happy instead of having her fake like she wants to talk to me?” I kind of let that go and at the end of the day I turned out to be right (She called me a “fucking know-it-all” and said I talked down to her like she was stupid in one of our last arguments) but my thing is this. Ladies, you don’t need to FAKE interest in anything but sex because it is just as awkward for YOU as it is for me. Aside from that, just be you and to pander. Being you is (Hopefully) why we got together in the first place.
Blow him off. Single men hate the idea of being tied down socially, so turn down occasional plans. He'll not only feel easier -- and open up more -- around you, but he'll also start to wonder what you're doing and pursue you more.
Um….okay this is just fucking stupid. To ME anyway. Now I understand that even in a relationship people need space. Hell, when I wanted to do nerd things I didn’t want a female around and I know for A FACT she hated what I liked so I didn’t want her to be McCain’d (It’s funny to me!) just to be in my company. However, look at this LOGICALLY. Ladies, how did you feel when he didn’t call you when he said he would or when you THOUGHT he would (The end all be all of idiocy but some women are just nuts that way. And I LOVE THEM) or better yet when he forgets something that you felt was important but didn’t SAY was important so he spaced on it? Now add up all that rage, all that hurt, all those feelings of being ignored and unappreciated and questioning whether he loves you or not….
AND MULTIPLY THAT BY FIVE.
Feels like shit, doesn’t it? You now know what it feels like when a man makes plans to be with you and you blow him off for the sake of “him being free” or “making him chase you” which at its core is the stupidest thing you can do. It feels like a Falcon PAWNCH:
To the fucking balls. Or in your case, the Cunt Punch. Understand this: everyone wants to be pursued and I completely understand that. It is natural human emotion to want someone to want you. To need someone to need them. Hell, even I want to be wanted. Do you know how many times I wanted someone to do this?:
Well, replace Heath Ledger with Zac Efron or Mandy Moore. I’m not into necrophilia. Oh, come on that shit is funny! Anyway, the idea that single men hate to be tied down socially makes little sense because…if you are dating someone…you want to be around them socially. If I wanted to not be tied down socially I WOULDN’T BE DATING YOU! Therefore, this logic is quite simply an enabler for men to cheat. There, I said it. If you are dumb enough to blow a man off because you want to be pursued, odds are he will just find easier prey to catch. Think about THAT ONE. I am here to help.
Be a social butterfly. Guys are good at left-brain stuff, like sales and sports, but can get awkward when it comes to social graces. Take the lead and charm the people you meet and he'll be extra grateful to have you. But he may take credit for making those new friends... whatever.
WHAT?! Are you fucking serious?! Okay, understand this as well. The myth that women are better in social situations is a fucking MYTH. Has anyone noticed that all this advice is pretty much telling you to not be yourself? So that means that no man will ever love you unless you change. Now I have been from the school of thought that it was MEN that had to change but in both cases, the thought process is wrong. Don’t think about the lack of social graces, think of the social situation you have him in. Whenever I have gone to many a function, whether business or casual, it is the women that are the wallflowers and really have nothing to really say of any consequence. It is the women who are upset to be there because they know no one there and they sit on a couch or by the wall sulking until their boyfriend/husband decides that her attitude is going to get worse the longer he stays so they leave. Social blossoming is determined by the situation and the person. There were times when I was uncomfortable (Like when I went to a certain quasi-girlfriends Mormon get together in Castle Rock….not fun) but at the same time, usually I am the life of the party and down to talk or hang with anyone. Now from a relationship dynamic….my ex HATED all of her friends. Which I never got because they were all cool to me and in some cases were more fun to hang out with (Ended up causing a huge problem, actually. DRAMA!) and even in social settings she hate to be anywhere unless it was someplace she wanted to be. She also hated how I would make the most out of being someplace I didn’t want to be….like bro parties. Aside from dodging the rapes and…well, dodging the rapes the fact she didn’t have to introduce me to people because I already had interacted with them used to piss her off. Wow….cosmic. Anyway, this is bullshit.
Respect his privacy. A physical space that's totally his is a huge symbol of independence to a man. Signal that you respect that by, say, staying out of desk drawers and not peeking at his caller ID when his phone rings.
Is this something that has to be told to people? You know why James Bond, Secret Squirrel and Danger Mouse (Wait, was Danger Mouse a spy?) were so awesome? They were doing something that was FUCKING ILLEGAL! Watergate, ladies?! Read up and then come back. Okay, let’s continue. As one that has had to explain phone bills to an ex that DIDN’T LIVE WITH ME and why I had so many calls to California and Las Vegas (My parents and my best friend) I am a big proponent of LEAVING MY SHIT ALONE. I have never been through a woman’s things, although in retrospect I should have but that is life. Quite simply, what goes on with you is your business and I trust that you aren’t performing acts of vigilante justice under the guise of the night with kick ass weapons and vehicles. If you are….I SO WANT IN. Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way (Which I always am, according to the opposite sex but thems the breaks) but privacy isn’t a PRIVILEDGE in a relationship, the ability to be open should be paramount to whether it works or one of you is going through the other’s messages asking “BITCH, WHO THE FUCK IS JAMAL?!” It isn’t about independence, it is about not being an untrusting snoop. You aren’t Danger Mouse, so quit acting like you are!
Well, that is all for now. I am hella tired so I am about to head to the bed. I will be back Thursday night for the Countdown and some pre-NDK musings. Until then….TWO DAYS UNTIL ANIME NERDS UNITE! You nasty motherfuckers better bathe….
Chachi Out
