What is up, peeps? I am back and I am proud to say that the Regional Finals of Douchebrawl 2008 are complete! We are down to four….and let’s see who they are!
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Final
(1) Tom Cruise
Def.
(2) Kim Kardasian
The newcomer could not take down the original champ! Tom Cruise continued his dominance in his return to Douchebrawl as he takes out Kim Kardashian rather easily, quadrupling her votes on his way to the Finals! Could he make it two out of three? Kim put up a fight and worked hard to win but in the end it was all about the Cruise. So who will he take on in the first bracket of the finals? Well, it is a shock but not a shock at the same time…
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Final
(3) Kevin Federline
Def.
(1) Britney Spears
For the third straight year, Britney is thwarted in her attempt to get to the Douchebrawl Finals! This year she is thwarted by her own ex-husband who himself has made Douchebrawl history! This will be the third straight year that K-Fed has made the Final Four but he is currently winless once getting this far. Can he change his luck in 2008? He has a tough road ahead as he has to go through the O.D. (original douche) Tom Cruise! Let’s move on to the other side of the bracket!
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Final
(1) Lindsay Lohan
Def.
(3) Amy Winehouse
This was the tightest battle in Douchebrawl history with the most votes ever and the closest ever margin in a Regional Final! Lindsay Lohan defeated Amy Winehouse by ONE VOTE (Thanks, Beth!) and needless to say I believe that they are both winners here. Amy Winehouse proved that she is just as much of a whore as the best of them while Lindsay looks to be the first ever back-to-back Douchebrawl winner! It was a close battle, but the champ is still here! So who will Lindsay face?
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Final
(1) Bono
Def.
(2) Paris Hilton
FINALLY! Bono has gotten over the hump! After losing in the Regional Finals the last two years he finally makes it to the Douchebrawl Final Four! He had an initial tough battle from Paris Hilton but in the end (Mainly Thurs-Sat) Bono pulled ahead and kept Paris Hilton from the promised land as well! It was a long two years but Bono finally has his chance to battle for the crown that is the Douchebrawl Championship! He will have to take on the defending champ to do so, though!
So we are now down to four. The last four standing participants will be whittled down to two next Sunday as they battle for the Crown Jewel of Douchery. Let’s take a look at the…
DOUCHEBRAWL 2008 FINAL FOUR
In our first match-up we have:
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Champion (1) TOM CRUISE! VS. Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Champion (3) KEVIN FEDERLINE!
The winner of that battle will face the winner of THIS CLASSIS BATTLE:
This is it, people. The time has come to crown either a new champion or give a long-battling new douche the crown. The polls are open now and it is up to you make the difference! THE POWER IS YOURS!!!
What’s up, peeps?! I am back for a short bit as there will probably be two posts today as the results of the Regional Finals of Douchebrawl will be up later on this evening. Go and vote now as the Amy Winehouse/Lindsay Lohan matchup is LITERALLY going down to the wire! Also, there looks to be a minor upset to boot…VOTE OR DIE!
So it is time for a new installment of a series I haven’t done in almost a year for you guys. So sit back and relax for a lazy Sunday edition of…
I Learned Something Today!
And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!
I Learned Today…That “No” Really DOESN’T MEAN NO. If You Are A Man, Anyway.
This is some shit that women need to get through their fucking skull tut suite. Just because you put the welcome mat out there, doesn’t mean someone is going to come a knocking. I am so sick of the notion that just because a woman offers it that it is supposed to be taken. Guess what? The only things that come out of a vagina that are of any relevance are children and blood. And a woman bleeding from the yak isn’t anything special and babies are soulless shits so the pussy has very little monetary or social value to me. So if I say “no thank you” to what you have to offer….that should be it. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not Zac McCounetimberlakeefronhoward and I am willing to admit that I leave a lot to be desired on the personality side. To which I am a total jerk who does not DESERVE love but at least I KNOW AND ADMIT MY FAULTS which is more than I can say for every woman in the history of time and all the women I know sans three….and one isn’t even legal yet which means that she knows more in FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL than almost all the adult females I know with an extra decade to fuck up their lives and even learn from it WHICH THEY HAVEN’T! It’s why we homies. At the end of the day, to offer sex is not a way to show affection. ESPECIALLY if they don’t want it. Maybe try not being a fucktard…just a fucking thought.
Now you can go back into the annals of this blog (2006 mostly) and see my thoughts on women and their emotional link to sex and men and their lack of attachment to anything emotional for the most part sans a small minority of either gay or wish they were gay men. There is nothing wrong with flirting. When you involve alcohol I honestly think it goes back to the whole zebra analogy but hey, I’m supposedly anti-social and out of touch with my feelings so what do I know. Except everyfuckingthing. So let’s put flirting in one category. Now let’s but sexual provocation in another. Now I am sure some of the slower ilk are saying “what is sexual provocation and do I have it if I use a condom?” The answer is no and I believe that you should be shot in the face or stabbed in the chest with stingrays so your dumb ass can never breed….EVER. Sexual provocation is kind of like bullfighting. No one goes into bullfighting expecting to get gored even though they stab and agitate the hell out of that thing for an extended period of time. But that shit can (see: WILL) happen. Now a dumb person will say (especially if you have read my blog over the last few years) that I am about to hop on the logic train of that if you provoke someone sexually for too long that you are bound to have to “stand and deliver” which in layman’s terms is rape, a word I believe is tossed around way too freely (And you can call me Dan Marino because I toss it around for fun like I had Clayton and Duper on the outside. ZING!). Well if you believe that you are only half right. Like I have said before, no means no. If either party, female OR MALE (I cannot stress this enough) says no to any sexual advance no matter how much they provoked the advances from the second party should stop. IT PAINS ME to have to make that statement because I am a strong believer common sense and sexually provoking random people under the influence (of alcohol or just being a DAMN DUMBASS) is kind of….ignorant. However, I have been there, made my mistakes and paid my dues for being a dumbass so I can relate and fully understand that being a dumbass is a rite of passage sometimes for knowing what you SHOULDN’T DO. For instance cavorting like the Greeks of old…you know the ones I’m talking about. Let me reiterate. NO MEANS NO.
On the flip side of that, what makes you cavort like the Greeks of old any-damn-way? The Greeks of old no longer exist now. Why? BECAUSE THEY WERE FUCKING ASSHATS! Their asshatery and perversity knew no bounds and they were either killed off by eachother or the SyphillAIDS. Also, rape in ancient Greece was as commonplace as rapes on the Air Force Academy by cadets and you know how plentiful THAT is. At the end of the day, rape isn’t an act of sex. It is an act of power. That is why on the conceptual power scale, it is “impossible” for a woman to rape a man much as it is “impossible” for reverse racism because the power structure couldn’t allow for that. THAT IS TOTAL BULLSHIT. A man can (And in my case HAS) said no and nine times out of ten, the other party wigged the hell out about it. Why? Because you have usurped what little power they had in the situation. The one thing a woman has power over is her body and feminine wiles. And if that doesn’t work in achieving what they want, like the guy in Street Fighter II that only knows how to throw fireballs and Dragon Punch you have taken away their bread and butter attack. And much like the soon to be defeated gamer, saying no and removing the power from the female party results in:
• Yelling and/or crying: Usually “and” because that is almost like the “Desparation Attack” of women and it usually works. Not on me anymore because I cry myself to sleep of loneliness every night as I write on the tear stained pages of “Dear Diary” • Violence: Now this is rare, but I have heard of this happening. Usually a slap followed by “Who do you think you are to turn ME down?!” Talk about ego…. • 20 Questions: I didn’t like the 50 Cent song and I sure as hell don’t need it after an awkward moment of spurning someone’s advances. This usually results in me answering questions in a way that is irrelevant to the situation. “Bitch, I TOLD YOU I LIKE HYDROX, NOT OREOS!” • Silence: This used to creep me out but I sleep in a sensory deprivation tank like Daredevil so silence is my friend. Hell, my bankai Enma Kooragi:
It blocks out all the bitching that is about to come my way. BURN!!
At the end of the day, no means no and it doesn’t matter who is saying it. Just because you offer it doesn’t mean it has to be taken. Hell, if I got all asshurt about every woman that told me “no” I would be bleeding from my ass like the Virgin Mary. But I don’t so I’m not. It would be a killer dry cleaning bill. Oh, and ladies when someone in one of the few occurances says no, may be its not you. Maybe you just need the Clitter:
Turn your labia into a “Yay”-bia! Yep….I’d hit that.
I Learned Today….That Asians Are Evil, SOULLESS Beings. That Make Some Good Ass Movies Sometimes.
Many of you that have know me for years are well aware of my love/hate relationship with Japan and Korea. Ever since I was a young boy in Italy and got the subbed (FUCK YES! Dubs lick taint!) versions of “Fist of the North Star” and “Gundam” I have been a fan of anime and the music to boot. Then I got into movies once I found out about the interweb and it has been love ever since. As for Korea, aside from a certain girl in college who introduced me to a little someone named BoA I have been down with the K-pop ever since. She also introduced me to K-Dramas (the best of ALL the dramas) and I pretty much download and watch them more than I watch American movies now not starring Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. But it has been a rocky relationship with Japan and Korea (Especially Korea. WHAT IS WITH THE POOP?! SERIOUSLY?!) but much like my relationship with women in general, no matter how bad they treat me, I usually end up coming back after they say they are sorry and they can change. Look at this timeline:
Japanese Pros: Sowelu
Now that is good stuff right there. I remember seeing this video and saying to myself “I don’t even want to put her in the box!” Which is novel because that’s usually the first place my mind goes. And I know she is half-Korean but that’s cool and even makes it better. Like the Japanese Mandy Moore.
Japanese Cons: Panties in vending machines Okay…now I always thought this was a fucking joke. It is so not. My god….WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! I mean you people are disgusting! And this is coming from someone that watches porn EVERYDAY! Used schoolgirl’s panties in vending machines crosses a line that even I do not cross, and I am batshit crazy!
Korean Pros: Sex Is Zero One of the few movies that I can watch repeatedly not called “Pootie Tang” or “Big Trouble In Little China” and never EVER get bored. This movie had it all from comedy to plot/character development to drama to Ji-won Ha getting naked (FUCK YES! MY GOD, FUCK YES!). If you get past some nudity and rather soft core sex scenes (As well as a butt sex joke that….let’s just say I know very well) you have a good movie. It is raunchy and crude at some points but nothing that you haven’t seen in “American Pie” and all those movies sucked ass. Fuck you, white people. Not only that, the last 45 minutes are a testament in how you place tragedy into a movie. I will admit; this is one of the four movies for I have cried for a scene. Especially near the end with the confrontation. Great stuff and well worth the watch.
Korean Cons: Kimchi
Ugh. I have had it and it is fucking nasty as all hell. I don’t eat collard greens or chitterlings so don’t even DARE compare it to that. It is nasty and scary and should be banned from consumption. That is all.
Japanese Pros: Silent Library
Greatest show on TV ever. I swear this is the funniest shit I have ever seen sometimes. Others are jacked up but I remember when the Hoag showed me this and I laughed until I stopped. I know it is low brow but with shows like “Punk’d” allowed to be made I am unsure why this isn’t on the air here, at least on G4. I would watch the shit out of this show.
Japanese Cons: Diary of Beloved Wife DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. My god….this movie was fuck up past Pluto. The beginning wasn’t BAD because those of us who have been there have felt the way he had but man…when she got home it just goes downhill. Sixty seven minutes of my life I will not get back and I am needless to say pissed off. NOT FOR KIDS and not for those that aren’t knowledgeable about the dynamic of some Japanese relationships. Oy vey…
Korean Pros: Cake Dance 2 (Happy Birthday To Me)
Now if you knew how many times I have seen this and how pissed off I am that “Doki & Nabi” is over TWO YEARS LATE then you understand my love of this song. First off, if you haven’t seen the first “Cat & Bunny” flashtoon then go ahead and look for it because it was cool too. This cartoon promotes the interspecies erotica which I am not FOR but at the same time it makes for a kickass love story. Americans don’t make them like this.
Korean Cons: The Pooping You know what I mean. Don’t act like you don’t. That is all I am going to say about the situation. You nasty….nasty motherfuckers.
Japanese & Korean Pros: Yuna Ito She makes up for the pooping, the panties, the kimchi and the horrible movies. If you don’t know her work then you are missing out on some good stuff. Especially “Tender Is The Night.”
Japanese Pros: YATTA!!!!
Now THAT is homoerotic.
Japanese Pros: Bukkake Udon
Your innuendo is priceless, Err.
Korean Cons: No new Bi (Rain) Album WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?! Se7en is coming out this summer with an album and he is even going to be hyped by BET to boot. Now it is best you stay away from BET and its revolutionary descent to suckery but come on! I need me some Bi!
Korean Pros: Bae Seul Gi Damn….just damn.
And that’s about enough of that. Oh, “200 Pounds Beauty” is getting a sequel. I wonder how they are going to pull THAT off but I am all about some more of Kim Ah-jong.
Well, that is all for now. Griff is back in town so I am about to roll out for a bit but I will be back later on tonight to let you know the winners of the Douchebrawl Regional Finals and let you know who made the Final Four! Until then, stay up peeps!
