Good morning, peeps! As you know, the Regional Finals of Douchebrawl 2007 has begun! We are down to the eight biggest douches as voted on by the people and it is time to send four of them to the Douchebrawl Championship! Here are the Regional Final match ups!
George Lucas Acting Regional Final:
(1) Mel Gibson
Vs.
(10) Hayden Christensen
Last year Mel Gibson came one victory away from the Douchebrawl Championship and infamy. This year, the favorite to take the trophy home has a second chance, something Jesus never got (ZING!). Unlike last year, when Mel was the underdog against an on-a-roll and eventual winner Tom Cruise, Mel is the favorite against the young shitty Jedi Hayden Christensen. Last year Hayden lost in the second round (to Tom Cruise as well) rather convincingly. This year, he knocked off #2 seed Ashton Kutcher and upset #11 seed Russell Crowe to get one step away from Douchebrawl glory. Can Hayden pull one more upset and make it to the finals? Or will Mel Gibson avenge last years close defeat and take his place in Douchebrawl lore? Only you can decide! The next match up is…
50 Cent Musician Regional Final:
(1) Bono
Vs.
(3) Eminem
Wow, now this is a battle. The self-righteous Irish douchebag or the most overrated hip hop fucktard since L.L. Cool J. Who will win? Bono is back in the Regional Final for the second straight year after losing to 50 Cent last year, costing him a spot in the Douchebrawl Championship. The peeps have put him one step away again this year. Can he bring it home? Or will the newcomer Marshall Mathers take his place in the Final Four? Eminem wasn’t even in Douchebrawl last year and has made an impressive showing by beating out #2 seed Diddy in convincing fashion and making it this far. Can Slim Shady add a Douchebrawl Championship trophy to his resume? Or will Bono win for the starving children out of the goodness of his heart? We will see! Next we have…
Heather Graham Trollop Whore Regional Final:
(1) Paris Hilton
Vs.
(6) Lindsay Lohan
In my opinion, the best match of the four. Lindsay has avenged her Suckass Sixteen loss last year by defeating #3 seed Tara Reid and #2 seed Britney Spears en route to the Regional Finals. Can she beat her on-again/off-again best friend? In her first year in Douchebrawl, Paris has had a run similar to Tom Cruise last year, simply CRUSHING her foes (by an average of about 86% to 14%) on her way to being one step away from the Finals. Who will win Skankfest 2007? Only you can decide, peeps! Lastly, we have…
Andy Dick Fucktard Regional Final:
(1) K-Fed
Vs.
(3) Nick Cannon
If there was a more worthless battle, I don’t know what it is. K-Fed once again has Popozao’d his way to the Regional Final and he is looking to be the first person to go to TWO Douchebrawl Championships. That may be more impressive than winning, because that shows douche staying power. Standing in his way may be the most worthless celebrity since….well Ray J. Nick Cannon has taken his first shot in Douchebrawl and made the most of it, knocking off #2 seed Peyton Manning to be one step away from immortality. Because this is the only immortality he will get because he sucks it dry. Can K-Fed make Douchebrawl history or will Nick Cannon continue his march toward fucktard greatness? The power is YOURS!
Those are your Regional Finals! Be sure to vote (the Suckass Sixteen was half of what the first two rounds were) and there is no limit! I just ask you don’t be a fucker about it. I am looking at Rick and his four Ben Affleck votes. Eh, can’t complain because Ben Affleck deserves it. The polls close at 10pm eastern time this Sunday night and then we begin the Douchebrawl Championship!
Okay, it is SO rant time. It has been a while since I have done a legit rant (I think the last one was the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy but that was back when I was acting like a punk bitch) and this has been a LONG TIME FUCKING COMING.
Why is it that I cannot hear a fucking R&B/Hip-Hop/radio jingle without R. Kelly in it? I mean…okay I want to choose my words carefully here. Screw it, we are all adults. If you aren’t an adult then this is a lesson. First off, I understand that in America you are guilty until proven innocent. Err…innocent until proven GUILTY. Sorry, I’m Black so it’s flip-flopped, I mess that up sometimes. Despite his ‘innocence’ (BULL-FUCKING-SHIT) I am one that believes that R. Kelly should not be allowed to make music. Not necessarily because he is a pedophile (because he IS and it has been proven by the trying to marry Aaliyah fiasco that niggas still ignore to this day) but because he is a pisser. Yeah, I said it a PISSER.
Having sex with children is wrong. Now I JOKE about the Hinoi Team (and it is all good and legal in Japan, which is SCARY because R. Kelly in Japan is like an all-you-can-piss-on buffet. That shit is TAME compared to what Japanese men do to them, I’ve sadly seen the movies) but at the end of the day I would never DO anything. Because that shit is not fucking cool. And before a certain someone (who doesn’t read this anyway but karma shows that she WILL this time just because that’s the way my life works) mentions my comments about locking Hayden Paniterre in a box I just will say that I said I would do it AFTER she turned 18 or keep her in the box UNTIL she turned 18. See, I have morals so QUIT YOUR BITCHING!
Back to the point. The fact is that R. Kelly has had several problems with sexual misconduct and minors. It has been proven that he has had relations with underage girls. There have been documents about an abortion by a 16 year old that reportedly was carrying R. Kelly’s child. Pictures of R. Kelly having sex with girls as young as FOUR-FUCKING-TEEN were seized from his house (charges were dropped when it was found there was no warrant for the seizure)! All this evidence and any normal man would have been locked up and probably had every hole violated in prison like Jasmine Byrne. With all this being said and all this evidence….
Why does R. Kelly have another single out? WITH T.I. NO LESS!! Why is he doing a song with BOW WOW?! We all know the age range of HIS fanbase. Why is he on ‘Go Getta’ with Young Jeezy? That song rules it, but I can’t listen to it because the King of R & Pee is on it. Oh, and most importantly WHY IN THE HELL IS HE ON THE ‘MAKE IT RAIN’ REMIX?! Does anyone aside me get the innuendo with that? Don’t worry, I’ll wait. Get it? Just think golden shower and I am SO moving on.
I was talking to a friend (kind of, I think its more of tolerance of my wanton anger on her part) and a very important point hit me as I ranted about how much I hate this nigga. When pedophiles are released from prison, they are told (in some cases forced) to stay away from children. Yet, not only is R. Kelly allowed to be around kids (he took some girl to her 8th grade Sadie Hawkins dance in 2003. Or maybe I made that up. He’s so fucking nasty YOU AINT EVEN SURE!), he is allowed to make songs with them! Remember ‘Bump, Bump, Bump’ with B2K? Or ‘Gigalo’ with the biggest fucktard of them all Nick Cannon? What better way to meet underage black girls than to work with artists whose fanbase is UNDERAGE BLACK GIRLS?! Well, like Adam West said in ‘The Boondocks’ at least he is all about the sistas. Problem is they are young enough to be Chris Brown’s young sister. Disgusting ass nigga. Oh, and remember the whole ‘Pied Piper of R&B’ moniker of his with the gay ass Lone Ranger mask? Anyone know about the story? Read it and tell me he isn’t disgusting.
The part of this that pisses me off the most…damn it, I just said piss in an R. Kelly rant. That was unintentional, I swear. Anyway, what irritates me is how people (especially YOU, black people) are letting this slide. I mean you listen to his music STILL, granted he is everywhere. And yes, Chocolate Factory was scandal proof. However, the rest of his stuff has SUH-UCKED and you know it. Innocent until proven guilty is fine as long as THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OUT THERE TO PROVE YOU ARE GUILTY! With all the videos, pictures and track record of this man it is pretty much obvious that he is a molester and a pisser. Yet, I am the only person that seems to think this fuck needs to be in jail. Am I the only sane Black man in America? Am I the only one that sees R.Kelly for the disgusting pervert that he is? The answer to that question is sadly yes. How it all breaks down is this:
The reason R.Kelly is not in jail is because deep down…..we all want have sex with and pee on 14 year old black girls. I never thought that was the case, but I guess that is the only rational fucking reason that anyone would support him or find him as a victim in this whole thing. Well, let me be the first person to say I do not want have sex with or pee on a 14 year old black girl. Nor a 26 year old black woman for that matter (Sadly, black women and I don’t get along. Get a few drinks in me and I will tell you about it). I don’t want to pee on any-damn-body. That shit is gross!
I want R.Kelly in jail. I want him as far away from children as possible. I want him as far away from video cameras as possible. I WANT HIM AS FAR AWAY FROM A MICROPHONE AS POSSIBLE!! No more ‘R&B classics’ and no more fucking up remixes. It is a god damned shame that Shyne is in jail for having Diddy’s back and Lil Kim went to jail for NOT SNITCHING (I am down with Katt Williams on this point) while R.Kelly is still free to make bad music. Probably peeing on a 15 year old as I type this. I fucking hate R.Kelly. Strong words, but he is a perv. That and he is a pisser. I leave you with this:
Preach it, Huey. Preach it. I will be back on Friday for the Top 20 Video Countdown and maybe up on Thursday. On a side note, rumor is they are moving Scrubs to ABC. Can you imagine Knights of Prosperity, In Case of Emergency and Scrubs on the same night? COMEDY PAR-TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!! Until Friday, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out. And no peeing on minors!
