Well people, The Wolven has gotten back from his multiple screenings of The Dark Knight to deliver his final rules for we Chachists to follow. So I give to you the last five of…
The Ten Commandments Of Chachism!
Commandment #6: Thou Shall NOT Engage In Any Forms Of Brodom.
A little known fact about The Wolven: he hates bros. Whether it be the Euro-Bro, the Real Bro (What bros can Black bros which just….makes me want to kill…), the GI Bro or the new one Prep-Bro he hates them all. Understand one thing, people. Being a bro is not a way of life, it is a way of douchedom. Turn your hat straight, turn off the Jack Johnson and for fucks sake flip your FUCKING COLLAR DOWN. Jackass.
Commandment # 7: Thou Shall Get Yourself Wicked Ink, As Long As It Isn’t Lame.
The Wolven is all about partying hard and rawking even harder but at the same time The Wolven is all about common sense. We that practice Chachism are seen as mean and uncaring because we think that people that do dumb shit deserve no sympathy. Now we believe that it is everyone’s right to get tattoos. Just be forewarned: unless your ink is straight up sick (For example Gary. HE HAS AN OCP TATTOO! TITS OR GTFO! The Wolven approves, Gar. He wants tattoos but he’s kind of furry. Doesn’t show up well) you will have your tattoo removed by the gnashing teeth and the flailing claws of the drunken wombat minions of the Lord of Chachism. You have to stand kind of still because drunk wombats have really poor depth perception but you get the idea. We don’t fuck around with people that have tribal band tattoos on their arms or ANYTHING on the small of your back. The Wolven doth not like that shit and he will not put up with it.
Commandment #8: Thou Shall Spare The Peanut Butter & Jelly…And Beat A Child With A Baseball Bat.
Now in Chachism, children are not to be heard. Well, unless they are screaming from a well deserved ass kicking. We live in a day and time where children have meals and networks solely for their enjoyment and The Wolven says to hell with that shit. You know what wolves do when they don’t eat their own young? They wear them out with a racetrack set! They don’t even have opposable thumbs and they beat their young! Why don’t others do the same? Aint a damn thing a right cross don’t fix. My grandfather said it, my momma said it and The Wolven says it. Besides, busting your kids (Or others kids. I think beating children should be a community event. Like a giant block party!) upside their head when they are young keeps the fear of The Wolven in them so they don’t bust a stranger upside their head in a robbery. Cosmic.
Commandment #9: Thou Shall Only Cheat If You Are Ready To Meet The Business End Of A Fist.
Now Chachism isn’t big on marriage as an institution but we do respect that fact. The Wolven personally believes that marriage should be reserved as a punishment for people that truly hate each other which goes against the norm but so does the worship of an eagle that transforms into a wolf. We in the Chachi Church believe that if you are enough of a fucktard to cheat on someone then you should be punished in the worst way possible: sex with this dude.
We believers of Chachism believe in fidelity. And hi-fidelity but mostly fidelity. Cheaters will get the business end of a pistol upside their dome-piece for being fucktards.
Commandment #10: Thou Shall Abide By Two Words: KEEP IT REAL!
In the end, The Wolven knows that Chachism isn’t for everyone. At the same time, all he wants is for people to restecpa each other. Isn’t that what religion is all about? Well….no but this one is. When the followers of Chachism will always keep it real with all the people out there as long as you stay true to yourself and know that Jesus was a Jew. He should have been a lot better with his money I would think. He could TOTALLY license the image of the cross for some phat Diddy cash. I digress. In the end, all The Wolven wants is for us to be cool with one another. Oh, and be of course get funky:
Oaktown 357 in effect!!
So now you know the simple rules you must consider to be a member of the Church of Chachi. Now we all know The Wolven isn’t big on rules (He voted against instant replay in the NFL and the new zone in the NBA) but if you don’t follow them….he will burn your craps….err…crops. Oh, and he will totally fuck up your shit with his eye lasers. I’ve seen it; he totally wrecked Stephen Baldwin’s house. Well, I will be back either tomorrow or Wednesday (Likely Wednesday) with an update. Until then, stay up and praise the Wolven!
Chachi Out.
