What is up, peeps! It is a chilly Sunday today after a pointlessly cold Cinco De Mayo. But screw the drunken white people ruining my Mexican St. Patrick’s Day! On Friday, I went to see the greatest movie possibly EVER made and very little could fuck that up. It is a movie about a man. Bitten by a spider. And given powers. I got bit by a spider two weeks ago and all I got was a huge welt on my butt/thigh. Anyway, you know his name and you know his game. I give you a special Passion of Chachi….
MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD: Web Slinger Edition!
This Week: Spiderman 3!
Okay, I will let it be known that I am a MEGA-Spiderman fan. Aside from the 8+ years I stopped reading because of the whole Ben Reilly/Spider Clone bullshit I have been an avid fan of the character so some would figure my review to be biased. And to that I say….EAT IT. Spiderman rules, the only heroes that rule more are Batman and The Tick. And Brock Sampson he is less hero, more Swedish killing machine. So there.
With that being said, let me start with the pros of this movie (I’m trying a new format with the movie reviews, tell me what you think)
Pros:
The Opening Credits: Now some would say this makes no sense. However, how many times with a sequel have you had no frame of reference of the first few movies? Aside from the Star Wars series with the scrolling words (I don’t know how to read! I’m not a loser!) no movies really give a recap of the previous installments. The opening credits of Spiderman 3 covered how Peter got his powers and the events of the first two movies in about 4 minutes. A small thing for some, but is was a great way to begin the movies for those who have never seen (or missed) the first two and fanboys of course filled their Spiderman 3 collectible cups.
Character Depth: Now I am going to get into this more later, but for a character with 30+ years of back-story it is hard to put a lot of depth into 2 hours. However, the character of Peter Parker grows, regresses and realizes in this movie several times. From the events of Uncle Ben’s murder to what happens when someone with great power ignores the responsibility to protect (and it is SO THUG) the movie surprisingly covers a lot of ground for the main character. Even Harry (albeit in a real ‘Deus Ex Machina’ way) is dug into deeper a tad, which was enough to make a few of the evens actually powerful rather than tacked on. I like how the character development was done for SOME of them. More on that later. Speaking of characters…
Topher Grace/Venom: Shit, I was NOT expecting this. I was really expecting Topher to just kind of be there and not add anything to the movie until he was Venom. Boy I was wrong. Topher was downright HILARIOUS as Eddie Brock, which albeit a deviation from the comic it actually gave the character some personality (I never liked Eddie Brock the character in Spiderman). He played the perfect foil to Peter (brash, just an all around a-hole) and most importantly wasn’t Eric Foreman playing Eddie Brock. Topher can actually act, just take a look at ‘Win A Date With Tad Hamilton’ and YES I have seen that movie and YES I liked it. I am SO straight. Even more surprising is that his nonchalant sense of humor was PERFECT as Venom, like a Fidel Sarcastro meets Spiderman with a symbiote. Oh, and Venom was pretty damn imposing, even with the McFarlane eyes (WHICH I HATE) he was still just scary. Hulking, roaring and fanged was the perfect opposite to Spidey. If you are looking forward to Venom you wont be disappointed and if you have no idea who he is prepare to be amazed.
The Action: You know, I will not lie to you I was not impressed by the Sandman/Spiderman fights (more on that later) and the Venom/Spiderman fight was good but it was NOTHING compared to the New Goblin/Spiderman or the KICK ASS Peter vs. Harry fight! I honestly put that up there above Vader vs. Luke I & II, Neo vs. Agent Smith and the fight from ‘They Live’ as maybe the greatest one-on-one fight in movie history. Just BRUTAL. MUCH better than the first one (Green Goblin) and more emotional than the second (Doc Ock, who while visually impressive were really pointless). The movie overall is visually impressive and all the action sequences are well done and I still think that Spidey web slinging is up there as a mark out moment with the Death Star blowing up and Helms Deep. The $258 MILLION was well spent, peeps.
Humor/Camp/Drama: There was a perfect mix of humor, (one-liners, banter between Parker and Brock), silliness (the dance number and Peter going all John Travolta on us. Priceless!) and drama (the end, the scene at the diner with Peter and Harry which if it doesn’t piss off every man you should be shot because it was JACKED UP) in this movie that most comic book movies never try because they screw it up. James Cameron and George Clooney I am looking in your fucking direction. Every Spidey fan knows that the books are one part humor, one part zaniness, one part drama and one part action and that is what puts him at top of the list with Batman in terms of best all-round. Sam Raimi found a good mix of this that I believe he came CLOSE to missing with the first and second because the first one had an silly looking Green Goblin and the second was a tad to dark with Doc Ock. Great job!
Now, even though there are a LOT more pros (Bruce Campbell’s cameo for one, Peter going emo, the ending sequence), there are some cons to this movie…
Cons:
Kirsten Dunst: I have always said she should NOT have been Mary Jane, if anything Gwen Stacy because she fucking dies. Laura Prepon is still my choice to this day. Kirsten is supposed to drum up sympathy for MJ because she is a stuggling actress whose boyfriend is always gone protecting the city when she really needs some consoling. Understandable, right? Instead, MJ comes off as a bitch that doesn’t understand the responsibily that come to someone that has the ability to help others. While Peter is totally supportive of MJ, she seems selfish and self-absorbed which is a complete 180 from the comic Mary Jane. Oh, and they had the NERVE to let her shitty ass SING! That nearly made me throw something at the screen. It doesn’t ruin the movie, but her performance did piss me off.
Sandman: As a Spidey fan, I could have picked about six other villains that would have fit better than Sandman. Thomas Church did as well as he could but unlike Doc Ock (who was a tragic character) or Green/New Goblin (who is as much a part of the Spiderman mythos as Joker is to Batman or Vader is to Luke Skywalker) there is no real reason to root for OR against Marko Flint. He really adds nothing to the movie aside from some impressive CGI effects which actually would have been better spent on Hydro Man or Mysterio. Hell, even THE SPOT would have been a better choice! Sandman is lame and always has been. There are other villains that would have fit better, or at least have Venom bite him and screw up his chemical balance like in the comic. Same with Mary Jane, doesn’t hurt the movie all that much but it is still time that would be better used on a better character.
The Plot: This is more about the character development but this falls in line. It’s obvious that this is two movies in one with the Harry story and the Venom story both being able to stand alone on their own merit. It feels like Sandman was used to bind the two plots together which just created a feeling of ‘too much at once’ because plots would hang for 20-30 minutes at a time without mention. The Peter/Harry story should have been the focal point with the Venom/Eddie Brock as the ‘b-story’ until the end. Negates Sandman, creates a linear plot (watch it, remove the Sandman part and see how the movie flows a little better) and kills about 20-25 minutes, or re-directs it to a longer Spiderman/Venom fight that would have made this movie even MORE KICK ASS. I should be in Hollywood.
Well, taking everything into account, this movie was the best movie of the year. The gripes are minimal and luckily easily overcome by the amount of awesome in this flick. Long story short, this movie is more than worth the $7.75 and looking at the $148 million plus opening weekend, it looks like America agrees with me. So the Chachi gives Spiderman 3…..
10 Out of 10 Stars!!!
(Two great stories held together by a sandy plot device but that doesn’t really deter from the experience. Great action and surprisingly good performances by James Franco, Topher Grace and yes…even Tobey Mcguire. Great mix of comedy, camp, action, drama, suspense and special effects make this a great watch! Worth it alone for Bruce Campbell speaking French. Swing down to your local movie house now!)
Odds are there will be no movie review next week (maybe 28 Weeks Later, although I haven’t seen all of 28 Days Later so I may peep that first, not sure) so in apology for that, I give you a new installment of….
WHAT CHACHI LIKES/DISLIKES!
Special Sunday Edition!
First, off…
What Chachi Likes: Foxxi Misq!
Okay, I know I despise skinny people. Especially skinny women. Just not cool, give me some Kate Winslet or Salma Hayek over Jessica Simpson or (GASP!) Jessica Alba any day. However…DAMN. These girls are quite on the point. Yeah, Kandice is right I have a little intrigue with the Japanese ladies. If you haven’t seen the video for ‘Alive’ and you are a male with any heart you will watch it…right now. You will NOT be disappointed. Not only that, compared to other girl groups (to which there are like…two) they are pretty good vocally and dance-wise. Good stuff! Now….to what is TOTALLY annoying me…
What Chachi Dislikes: Beyonce’
I must be the only man in America that just doesn’t see it. Never have, never will. I remember when Destiny’s Child came out I was NOT a fan of her. Her voice is ‘meh’ and she looks like she was created in a h-game. She doesn’t even look like she has real facial features! Her body aint THAT bangin (don’t get me wrong, I likes the booty but it aint all that and neither is she) and she talks like her mother is her sister. I have always said if I was forced to choose I’m taking Kelly anydamnway. And don’t even get me fucking started on her in Dreamgirls because she got SERVED by Jennifer Hudson vocally and in the acting department. She is fucking annoying and over hyped. Her music is straight up TRIFLING (Freak’um Dress? Upgrade U? Check On It? Way to start up the women’s movement again, dumbass. Your songs all are materialistic and have no substance) and tired, as better artists (Norah Jones, Alicia Keys hell even Kelly Clarkson) are overshadowed by her constantly shaking ass. Oh, and your song with Shakira SUCKS. R-tard. Now back to something that I really…REALLY like…
What Chachi Likes: Minmi
Ev’ry Ting Is Irie! I’m just joking! Seriously, I have been listening to Minmi since she did the closing for Samurai Champaloo (kick ass show, BTW) ‘Shiki No Uta’. Since then I have been a fan. Don’t even get me STARTED on ‘Summertime’ I so love that song! Has a Soca feel to it, you know. And I digs me some Soca music. Actually, I dig anything that isn’t from this asshole….
What Chachi Dislikes: MIMS
God…where do I start. This dude sucks. I mean seriously, I don’t expect everyone to be the next Rakim or Common but AT LEAST STOP THE FUCKING REPEATING!! I mean he never gives a reason of why he is hot! Being ‘fly’ doesn’t equal ‘hot’ much like being ‘platinum’ doesn’t equal ‘talented’. The fact people will DANCE TO THIS SHOWS THAT WE NEED THE RAPTURE. NOW. I hope this shitty dude gets killed first because he totally sucks it dry. I am all about to each their own but listening and liking this fucker is like eating marshmallows. Nothing of value is in them and at the end of the day they are best set on fire and eaten with chocolate and graham crackers. The last part is a reach but you get it. It is shit like this why hip hop hasn’t done anything new or been any good since DMX hit the streets. That is sad as fuck, too. Oh, and to people who say I am hating because he is famous and people are buying his record (same defense motherfuckers use with my distain for Akon, too) remember this: just because people like it doesn’t make it good for you. Name one redeeming quality about this song that isn’t ‘I can dance to it’. Rap is going to hell in a fucking hand basket and Mims is the conductor.
Well, I have some errands to run before going back to another workweek. Oh, and slap the shit out of Mims on sight. Give one to that asshat Huey, too. ‘Pop, Drop & Lock It’ is giving us a new generation of strippers. You are now free to go see Spiderman 3!
Chachi Out.
