Yo yo yo yo yo! It is the middle of the day so you know what that means! Time for a mid-day update! What can I say, I love my peeps.
So, I want to discuss something that has been inquired of me over the last few…years I guess. After hitting 26 last year, the questions began to come my way from people about a certain subject. Oddly enough, it is touchier to them than it is to me. It gets tip-toed around for about three months until it is finally asked in a manner almost like ‘I have already made my assumption, but I want to hear you lie to me because it’s not what I think the answer is’ which I find humorous. Well, I am just going to tell you the question that has been asked of me five times in the last calendar year:
Are You Gay?
Well, that is a funny question. Now if you mean gay as in ‘carefree’ or ‘bright’ or ‘showy’ then yes, I am as gay as the day is long. If you mean gay as in I prefer butt sex with men then that answer is no. You see, people have been asking me that question since high school, basing their assumption solely on these factors:
1. They think I hate women. Zach brought this up last night. I love women, I just despise a lot of their actions. It’s the same way I feel about Black people. I think they rule, but sometimes what they do pisses me off to no end.
2. I like things perceived as homosexual. This has been hilarious to me because there is nothing gayer than sports (the bonding of men, the constant touching and brutalization as they roll around and toss themselves at each other wantonly). Yes, I like musicals and YES I like pop bands. Who doesn’t? You think that boy bands don’t get tang? They are KNEE DEEP in that shit. More so than athletes and rappers I’ll tell you that. I guarantee that for every woman that Wilt Chamberlin hit, the lead singer from Depeche Mode hit two more. AND HE’S REALLY GAY. Don’t even get me started on the whole musicals thing. Musicals rule all. Life would be better if there was a montage and a dance number attributed to important moments of your life. You think Ferris Bueller would have been awesome without the dance montage? Well, yeah but is rules so much more because of it. Hell, if in Passion of Christ Jesus had sang ‘No More Tears’ by Donna Summer before getting nailed on the cross; that would have made that movie tolerable. And you know how much I hated the world’s highest grossing snuff film.
3. Johnny Depp and Gackt. Fuck you, he’s hot. And as for Gackt, the man has transcended gender. He is a ‘Gackt’ as he has moved well past our petty labels of ‘male’ and ‘female’.
4. Dancing. I don’t believe that dancing is the ‘Caligula-to-a-Lil Jon-beat’ that we have become so accustomed to. I believe that dancing is what Bi and Usher do. And to a lesser extent, Justin Timberlake and Omarion. I guess I can toss BoA, Hyori Lee and Ciara in that group too. You know, actual MOVEMENTS TO A BEAT rather than gyrations and dry humping. Call me crazy, but I liked when you needed space to do a dance. Rememeber the ‘Kid N Play Kickstep?’
NOW THAT’S DANCING! Not this:
Crazy dancing making my penis soft. I like funky-fresh dance moves because when I have my boy-band, those will be a necessity. And don’t give me any crap about Para Para anymore because that stuff is fun.
I initially hated it but its better than the ‘slow wind’ or the weird chair dance that is in every video these days (See: Akon, I Wanna Love You. Or don’t, it just kills brain cells). Besides, liking the Hinoi Team doesn’t make me gay. It makes me a pervert cuz them girls is minors. Yeah, not any better but in Japan they would be considered too old for me. Another reason that country would kick ass if not for the whole panty fetish they have going on.
5. All my friends are guys. Yeah, this is true. Whenever I am out, it’s either:
• Rick and I
• Zach and I
• Nolan and I
• Nick and I
• Nolan, Nick and I
• Nolan, Zach, Nick and I
You get the idea. First off, I only have 5 friends (and one lives out of the state) to start off with. My female friends are too far, too busy or too young to hang out with. Whoa, that last part sounded HELLA creepy. The simple fact is that I am a simple creature. I am fucking anime fan and a total asshole so my friends are either anime fans (Nick, Nolan and Zach. We kind of have to accept it) or assholes (Rick, Zach and Griff. Who is less of an asshole as much as he finds joy in my pain and suffering. It’s why we boys, I guess). And you know what? They aren’t gay either! Zach has a thing for Anderson Cooper (I am more of a Matt Lauer man myself) and Rick likes to eat babies but aside from that we like the women. We all think they are fucking nuts but so are we so it all works out.
Quite simply, I am not gay. I am ambiguous a lot because of my interests, but I do not prefer the intimate company of other men. With that all being said, its time to give you all what you came to see. HOMO-EROTIC JAPANESE MUSIC VIDEO!
Yeah, if that doesn’t prove I’m straight, nothing will. I will be back tomorrow or Thursday with Doucheology. There has been a shake up in the rankings!! Tune in and see if you agree or blast me with hate if you don’t! The power is yours! Kinda, it is a representative democratic tournament. Stay up, peeps.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
