Things I Hate Right Now
1. The Duck Face/Trout Pout
Not sure WHY women do it, not sure WHY bros do it, not sure when this and the “rawk” symbol (Or “the shocker” which is no longer shocking after watching Japanese and German porn. Trust me; they do shit that makes the shocker seem like a firm handshake) or gang signs became popular to put on your MySpace or cell phone but stop it. You look like a fucktard and really make me happy that you get the shit kicked out of you by a musclebound asstard with a barbed wire tattoo and the brain capacity of a drunken marmot. I am not sure what makes women go from zero to trollop whore when a camera comes on but you cannot bitch about being treated poorly if you can’t do the simple action of smiling for a camera without looking like a drunken fuckwit. Seriously, stop that shit. Speaking of stupid shit…
2. People That Don’t Find Pedo Bear Funny
Seriously, look at that face! Does that cuddly bear look like a child molester to you? You are fucking right he does. I told you 10 years ago bears aren’t to be trusted and now look. They are kidnapping your daughters and having dirty bears sex with them. Pedo bear is ravishing your young daughter like Rob Lowe would do if you left her window open. Now some of you will say that I wouldn’t find Pedo Bear funny if I had a daughter but I don’t so he is fucking hilarious. They also said I would find “thirtysomething” funny once I got almost thirty but here we are and I am sure that show still sucks ass. Pedo Bear for President in 2008!
3. Date Rape
Maybe it is because I don’t go out on dates very often (Like….three in 2008 but I swore off women at the beginning of this year so that is all based off women asking me which I don’t like because it shows they haven’t taken the time out to look and see I am FUCKING INSANE and should run as far as humanly possible) or maybe that sex is the fifth most important thing I think about from a woman but I honestly have never understood date rape because I can tell a rapist from a mile away. You see this guy?
Rapist. Look at that forehead. Just SCREAMS he wants to take your virtue.
This guy?
Not a rapist. Quite the handsome fellow dare I say. And quite the dancer!
Simple. Now I am not trying to trivialize the act of date rape. I AM trivializing the act of date rape because if you are on a first date with someone and you get drunk enough to get into a situation where you are on your back (I don’t think it’s rape if you are on top. That’s….just not) with your legs akimbo then shit was going wrong well before that. Now maybe I am looking at this from the standpoint of a man and woman going out together, taking her back to her place (Because raping a woman in your home is just the dumbest shit I ever heard of. I mean….what the fuck?!) and then pinning her down and taking the pussy like Pepe but that just seems illogical. If you let him into your room….what the fuck?! Listen, rapists are like vampires. You have to INVITE THEM IN before they can attack you! Once they come in and attack you, it is well within your right to stab them in the heart with a stake. It’s in the Constitution AND the Bible so you know that shit is true. I honestly believe that once you are dumb enough to let a man into your room (Forcing himself in is breaking and entering and against the law. Congrats, the dipshit is going to jail and he should) it is like letting a lion into your room….and you bathed in zebra. I am not going to go into the Zebra Theory because you know it and if you don’t you should read up on it because it helps you avoid a lot of shit. Now “date rape” has been used to group in the act which I call “Casual Acquaintance Rape” which from my experience of talking to women about the subject is about 65%-70% (Not scientific numbers, just my observation) of rapes classified as “date rapes” which are pretty much like this:
Um…that’s not date rape. That is men and women being fucking retards. I always say that two drunk people fucking isn’t rape, it is TWO DRUNK PEOPLE FUCKING! Congratulations, you are a whore and he is a fucktard. You know, two drunken people fucking are like two drunk drivers getting into an accident. Who is to blame if both are drunk?
• The person with the lower BAC?
• The person on the right side of the road?
• The Asian because we know that they can’t drive? (I KID! I love Initial D!)
Neither. They are both at fault, they pay the damages for the cars and they lose their fucking licenses. I think it should be the same for two drunken people having sex. You chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. You cannot decide after the fact that you DIDN’T want to have sex if NEITHER ONE OF YOU were in your right minds to be having “teh sex” anyway. Guess what? You learned a valuable life lesson: don’t drink like a dumbass or you might get pwned. I have drank my fair share and blacked out a time or two (Maybe three, but I believe it is two) and I blame no one but myself. And whoever invented mojitos because them shits en masse can GET YOU DRUNK. Even still, I cannot say that the things I did or said drunk weren’t in line with my actions in the same situation sober. But I will say that I learned to never do that shit again, though.
At the end of the day, rape is rape. My stance or argument has never been that rape ISN’T rape because even if you are out a 2am in a nice car with your windows down with your hypeman on your roof “making it rain” with stack of $20’s while you blare out “Money Ain’t A Thang” by Jay-Z and Jermaine Dupri and you get jacked….no matter how much of a fucktard you were and you brought that shit into your zone….it is still robbery and it is still a tragedy. Not the ending of “Grave Of The Fireflies” tragedy but still.
Well, I am out for now. America’s Best Dance Crew Finale on Thursday!! Until then, the party continues peeps!
Kicking it old school, mofos!
Chachi Out!
