What is up, bitches! I am back and boy does life suck! Yes…yes it does.
So I have some good news and bad news. First off….the bad news. I got laid off. The abusive wife that is my job has once again slapped me for not having dinner ready and I was pretty much shown the door. It happens, not much you can do but just roll with the punches. They kind of beat me before I had a chance to say “screw you guys, I’m going over here!” so you live and learn….again….and then a third time.
The good news is that I will get back on my feet rather quickly because I know people because….hell I get laid off every 2 years or so anyway. You meet a lot of good people that way and sometimes people are down to help you out. That’s what makes America great: poor business decisions that lead to people having to be recycled back in. God bless corporate America and their disconnect from their intended market.
However, I am currently exploring new avenues in hope of getting the hell out of Dodge (er….Colorado Springs) because this place blows ass. Luckily this moment in douchery will give me some time (give or take five months but definitely sooner) to get a plan of how in the hell to pull a great escape. Don’t worry; the blog isn’t going to suffer any. I will still be here for the peeps. Hell, getting laid off is what started this in the first place. Memories…
Well, that is the first and will be the only time you hear me reference “Cats” on this blog. Now in a way, I am, surprisingly hurt by this whole situation. I know that shit happens but at the end of the day the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. Yet, whenever I think about it the logic seems that a certain sect of people cannot afford to ball out of control with their polar bear driven chariots so no one can ball at all. When I started my new job something hit me that first morning I went in. I had spent eight years working in a corporate setting (middle management that has to justify its job by fucking with you, pointless reports and metrics that 'justify' your worth to the company, cubicles, pointless 'rah-rah' meetings where they spew rhetoric about 'believing is achieving' not knowing that Jesus actually hated salespeople and other bullshit like that) and I must say, that there is a real big disconnect between that world and the real world. You see, working in a corporate position is a lot like being in a cult. You REALLY have to suspend belief on the...rational and buy into rhetoric and spin that is just high level bullshit. Let's be real, peeps. It is all a game. Many of you reader (all six of you) have seen movies like Boiler Room, Wall Street and Glenn Gary Ross. I have seen those movies at request of two of my previous managers and I wanted to gouge out their eyes and use their skulls as spit bucket. And I dont even fucking chew. I'm not a moral or even a NICE person (ask my friends, they can vouch for that) but to be a person like some of the characters in those movies just isn't natural. I hate that fucking environment. That is a culture that breeds disloyalty among employees and asshatery among employers. You know why I think corporate American succeeds so much?
1. They have killed company loyalty. Now people argue this that have been working for a company for more than 5 years and I respect their point of view, you have been there for a while. The days of a company taking care of you for life are over. They know it; we as employees know it (and if you don't you FUCKING SHOULD) and they know that we know that they know it. Business is a machine and people are cogs. They can find a cog to replace you at any point. Whether you leave or they let you go, you are not too valuable to be replaced by someone willing to do the job cheaper. That goes for any position; I'm living proof on both sides. They decided that my work could be done better by someone external that can play both ends of the field (not in a gay way) so when it all comes down to it, with compensation driving behavior, they will go with what is easiest. Trust me, I have seen it once and I will see it again. It’s life.
2. The Drinking of the Kool-Aid. I hate this shit. If you sit in a meeting and you don't understand that you are being shoveled shit and spin then you are an idiot. Now you can choose to believe it or not (I honestly believe in nothing but it still annoys me) but like your fucking God you keep it out of my zone. If i don't want to believe I don't fucking have to. All I have to do is do my job to its description, not listen to people quote the Book of Sales and Bullshit to me verbatum. You know the people I am talking about, too. The guy that believes everything that the management team says about the money you can make or the fact it’s a numbers game. First off, the goal of a company is to pay just enough to get you to work a little bit harder. Incentives are created to behoove the company first, the employees second. So no matter how good the benefits/commissions/bonuses are, as soon as they see that is isn't beneficial for the company you better believe that shit will change. Secondly, EVERYTHING IS A FUCKING NUMBERS GAME! You know what else is a numbers game? Getting an STD. If you fuck enough people, you are bound to get a painful wart or blue flames with shoot out when you piss. Which brings me to the big one.
3. The Promise of More Money. I REALLY hate this shit. Z and I had this discussion when he was working for the man and they asked him why doesn't money motivate him. People look at you like you are fucking insane when you say money isn't your biggest motivator for taking a job. Now no one wants to work for free. There was a War that wasn't quite Civil about it. No one wants to be underpaid either. That just sucks (trust me, I have been there and that is almost worse than not being paid at-fucking-all) it dry. However, I am in the WRONG fucking line of work because money isn't why I go to work every day. As long as my bills are paid, my parents are good and my dog is fed I'm happy. I want to go to work, do something I ENJOY DOING for 8-10 hours (yeah, I will work a ten hour day if I LIKE THE FUCKING JOB) and get paid fairly for it. I also have no need to strive for more if I don't like what I do. You know, if you made 1 million dollars a year, but you had to be anally raped for 30 minutes every hour on the hour for 12 hours a day, would you be happy with your job? Is money really worth it? Hells no unless you like that kind of thing and to each their own. Not I said the cat.
I would go into the disconnect from reality that big business has, but that is more of another rant. Congratulations to Corporate America. For staying in your own reality and brainwashing your employees, you officially create a culture of distrust and cynicism.
Okay…..maybe I am a LITTLE bitter. But hey, I knew what I was getting into when I signed up so I have no one to blame but myself. I knew she was abusive and I feel for her when she bought me flowers and said she was sorry. She also got me flowers….I like flowers. Everything seemed to be going fine and WHAM! She had a bad quarter and she took it out on me. I just have to take responsibility for my mistake and know that they never change. Sing it, Tina:
Maybe after all of this I will win a Grammy and have a movie about my life starring Zac Efron. I can dream, right? I will be back up later this week. Be sure to vote in Douchebrawl, Bono is CRUSHING Tom Cruise right now! Stay up and vote!
Chachi Out.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
We Will Have A New Champ!!!
What is up peeps? It is a beautiful Sunday and after last nights Denver escursion all I can say is that next Saturday it is PARTY TIME! Just got paid and I am ready to roll! But first, we have some business to attend to.
We are down to two, ladies and gentlemen. We began with 64 participants fighthing it out for the crown of Douchebrawl Champion. After tonight, we are left with the final two that will battle it out for douche supremacy. Who will have it out for the Douchebrawl Championship? Let’s find out!
Douchebrawl 2008 National Semi-Finals
(1) Tom Cruise (2008 Acting Region Winner)
Defeats
(3) Kevin Federline (2008 Asshat Region Winner)
The King of Douche has returned! Tom Cruise dominates his eleventh straight opponent by double digits and his sixth straight victory by more than 50%! Tom took down K-Fed who for the third straight year loses in the National Semi-Finals of Douchebrawl. It takes a lot to get here and he always faces off against the doucheiest of the douche so we have to give him his props. Even still, he loses to the man! So we have one finalist, who will Tom Cruise face? Bono or Lindsay Lohan?
(1) Bono (2008 Musician Region Winner)
Defeats
(1) Lindsay Lohan (2008 Trollop Region Winner)
It was close, and once again a tie-breaker was need for Lindsay’s second straight match-up but this time it did NOT work in her favor! Bono ends Lindsay’s winning streak and keeps her from making it back-to-back Douchebrawl Championships! Not only that Bono has ended his own streak in impressive fashion by going all the way to the finals, defeating the defending champ! After coming close the previous two years, Bono is going to the last dance! And he has one HELL of a dance partner!
So we are all set! The finalists are in place and after a full month and a half of voting it all comes down to this. The two biggest douches in all of douchedom battling it out for the grandest prize of them all: The Douchebrawl Championship. So here is the final matchup!
Douchebrawl 2008 National Championship Finals:
(1) Tom Cruise (2008 Acting Region Winner)
Vs.
(1)Bono (2008 Musician Region Winner)
It is now set! The poll will be up soon and ready for your votes! Stay up and I will try to be back up tomorrow!
Chachi Out!
We are down to two, ladies and gentlemen. We began with 64 participants fighthing it out for the crown of Douchebrawl Champion. After tonight, we are left with the final two that will battle it out for douche supremacy. Who will have it out for the Douchebrawl Championship? Let’s find out!
Douchebrawl 2008 National Semi-Finals
(1) Tom Cruise (2008 Acting Region Winner)
Defeats
(3) Kevin Federline (2008 Asshat Region Winner)
The King of Douche has returned! Tom Cruise dominates his eleventh straight opponent by double digits and his sixth straight victory by more than 50%! Tom took down K-Fed who for the third straight year loses in the National Semi-Finals of Douchebrawl. It takes a lot to get here and he always faces off against the doucheiest of the douche so we have to give him his props. Even still, he loses to the man! So we have one finalist, who will Tom Cruise face? Bono or Lindsay Lohan?
(1) Bono (2008 Musician Region Winner)
Defeats
(1) Lindsay Lohan (2008 Trollop Region Winner)
It was close, and once again a tie-breaker was need for Lindsay’s second straight match-up but this time it did NOT work in her favor! Bono ends Lindsay’s winning streak and keeps her from making it back-to-back Douchebrawl Championships! Not only that Bono has ended his own streak in impressive fashion by going all the way to the finals, defeating the defending champ! After coming close the previous two years, Bono is going to the last dance! And he has one HELL of a dance partner!
So we are all set! The finalists are in place and after a full month and a half of voting it all comes down to this. The two biggest douches in all of douchedom battling it out for the grandest prize of them all: The Douchebrawl Championship. So here is the final matchup!
Douchebrawl 2008 National Championship Finals:
(1) Tom Cruise (2008 Acting Region Winner)
Vs.
(1)Bono (2008 Musician Region Winner)
It is now set! The poll will be up soon and ready for your votes! Stay up and I will try to be back up tomorrow!
Chachi Out!
Friday, March 28, 2008
America....You Are Awesome!
You know what time it is! So let’s just get to it! It’s Friday so let’s GET IT ON!
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We begin this week with the long awaited return of a Japanese hip hop supergroup!
20. TERIYAKI BOYZ - ZOCK ON! feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes - ZOCK ON! (New Entry)
After over a year and a half of being off the radar, Llmari, VERBAL, Ryo-Z and Wise get back together to drop another video! They bought along Busta Buss who gave a “meh” verse and Pharrell who supplied the beat. It is about damn time you all came back!
19. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #18, Two Weeks at #1)
NaNa avoids falling off the Countdown this week, holding on to the number 19 position. Nothing new from her yet…and I am going through withdrawal. Just a little.
18. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #17)
Kid Sister falls a spot this week as she stays in the lower half of the Countdown. This song is beginning to lose its luster with me….
17. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #15)
HAMC falls another two spots this week as I am listening to their album and needless to say….they sound a little too much like Evanescence. Not like that is a BAD thing, but you know.
16. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (Last Week #19)
Still pissed off that Warner Music is blocking this video from Youtube. I don’t want to go to your shitty site to see a Lupe Fiasco video. Not going to happen. Still a great song with a cameo by Bun-B!
15. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #14)
Mr. Morrison falls a spot this week as he remains muddled in the middle of the chart. Hard to catch this video anywhere, which is one of the main reasons for it stalling here. Hope for something new soon!
14. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #12)
So I was kind of hoping the new Bleach theme would have came from UVERworld. As rocking as Yui, Aqua Timez, Beat Crusaders and Asian Kung Fu Generation were, “D-Technolife” is the best of the bunch. However, Kelun is no slouch so as soon as the video is out for it….they will be on here.
13. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #16)
The Arc is moving on up! They look for their third Top Ten video and it looks like maybe a greatest hits compilation is coming. HELLS…..YES.
12. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #10)
Nelly has fallen from the Top 10! I said it once and I will say it again. Give me something new, please? I loved “Loose” but it is time to get back in the lab.
11. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #13)
So they are dropping the Patrick Stump single and video. Poor response, I guess. I think this a single for The Roots would be just outside of the box enough to garner some serious spins. Just a thought.
10. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #7)
Mr. Legend falls three places after failing for the second time in a row to take the number one spot. Same with Ms. Furtado. Loved “Once Again” but we need some new stuff. It came out in 2006!
9. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #11)
Well, Yui once again has two videos in the upper half! Last time this happened, she didn’t make it to the top….can she change her fortune?
8. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #5, Four Weeks at #1)
With all three members of CRS (minus Thom Yorke because unless Radiohead does a song with Boston they will NEVER be on here) having new videos and two currently on, I don’t feel so bad about this one falling from the Top 5.
7. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #8)
Hearts Grow is slowly moving up once again, stepping up a spot this week. Not sure what is going on here, no date for an album and they don’t really hype themselves from what I can find on the interweb. Damn you!
6. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #9)
Foxxi MisQ is making moves! They are a step away from their third Top Five video in a year, which is good work seeing as how they just debuted last year. Oh….and they are hawt. That is all.
5. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #6)
Ms. Badu’s return brings her to the top quarter of the Countdown! Her album debuted at number two on Billboard so maybe she can get the number one spot here? She has some tough competition here!
4. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #2)
After two weeks as runner up, RBD falls two spots this week. I really am not a fan of their last album but this song is one of the awesome spots on the cd. I would prefer a better attempt at an English album but that is a pipedream. We are left with three!
3. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #4)
And we begin the Top Three with a familiar face! With six Top Ten’s under her belt, You now has her fifth Top Three video…which ties her with John Legend for the record! Now that she is back, can she take down those above her?
2. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #3)
They are one step away! After a long journey, Mihimaru GT is one step away from their second number one video! They have a new single coming in April and supposedly a new album in early summer (June) so I will be HELLA HAPPY! But with this duo at number two, another duo is at number one…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Four Weeks at #1)
….For a fourth straight week! Bennie K holds it down for a full month and ties CRS for the longest running number one video of 2008! It has been a while since they were this high and they are holding on tight! Congratulations, ladies! Oh….and Yuki, I love you!
That is all for this week! Can Bennie K make it five weeks at number one and break into the lead for the Video of the Year? Or will Mihimaru GT get back to the top and end their streak? Or will Yui leap them all and take her third crown? Tune in next Friday to find out!
Well, I am out for now. I will probably see “Superhero Movie” (Please….don’t ask why. I am killing time until the massive orgasm that is “Iron Man”) tonight and then some basketball after that. GOOOOOOOO YUKLA!! Stay up, peeps.
Chachi Out.
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We begin this week with the long awaited return of a Japanese hip hop supergroup!
20. TERIYAKI BOYZ - ZOCK ON! feat. Pharrell and Busta Rhymes - ZOCK ON! (New Entry)
After over a year and a half of being off the radar, Llmari, VERBAL, Ryo-Z and Wise get back together to drop another video! They bought along Busta Buss who gave a “meh” verse and Pharrell who supplied the beat. It is about damn time you all came back!
19. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #18, Two Weeks at #1)
NaNa avoids falling off the Countdown this week, holding on to the number 19 position. Nothing new from her yet…and I am going through withdrawal. Just a little.
18. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #17)
Kid Sister falls a spot this week as she stays in the lower half of the Countdown. This song is beginning to lose its luster with me….
17. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #15)
HAMC falls another two spots this week as I am listening to their album and needless to say….they sound a little too much like Evanescence. Not like that is a BAD thing, but you know.
16. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (Last Week #19)
Still pissed off that Warner Music is blocking this video from Youtube. I don’t want to go to your shitty site to see a Lupe Fiasco video. Not going to happen. Still a great song with a cameo by Bun-B!
15. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #14)
Mr. Morrison falls a spot this week as he remains muddled in the middle of the chart. Hard to catch this video anywhere, which is one of the main reasons for it stalling here. Hope for something new soon!
14. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #12)
So I was kind of hoping the new Bleach theme would have came from UVERworld. As rocking as Yui, Aqua Timez, Beat Crusaders and Asian Kung Fu Generation were, “D-Technolife” is the best of the bunch. However, Kelun is no slouch so as soon as the video is out for it….they will be on here.
13. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #16)
The Arc is moving on up! They look for their third Top Ten video and it looks like maybe a greatest hits compilation is coming. HELLS…..YES.
12. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #10)
Nelly has fallen from the Top 10! I said it once and I will say it again. Give me something new, please? I loved “Loose” but it is time to get back in the lab.
11. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #13)
So they are dropping the Patrick Stump single and video. Poor response, I guess. I think this a single for The Roots would be just outside of the box enough to garner some serious spins. Just a thought.
10. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #7)
Mr. Legend falls three places after failing for the second time in a row to take the number one spot. Same with Ms. Furtado. Loved “Once Again” but we need some new stuff. It came out in 2006!
9. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #11)
Well, Yui once again has two videos in the upper half! Last time this happened, she didn’t make it to the top….can she change her fortune?
8. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #5, Four Weeks at #1)
With all three members of CRS (minus Thom Yorke because unless Radiohead does a song with Boston they will NEVER be on here) having new videos and two currently on, I don’t feel so bad about this one falling from the Top 5.
7. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #8)
Hearts Grow is slowly moving up once again, stepping up a spot this week. Not sure what is going on here, no date for an album and they don’t really hype themselves from what I can find on the interweb. Damn you!
6. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #9)
Foxxi MisQ is making moves! They are a step away from their third Top Five video in a year, which is good work seeing as how they just debuted last year. Oh….and they are hawt. That is all.
5. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #6)
Ms. Badu’s return brings her to the top quarter of the Countdown! Her album debuted at number two on Billboard so maybe she can get the number one spot here? She has some tough competition here!
4. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #2)
After two weeks as runner up, RBD falls two spots this week. I really am not a fan of their last album but this song is one of the awesome spots on the cd. I would prefer a better attempt at an English album but that is a pipedream. We are left with three!
3. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #4)
And we begin the Top Three with a familiar face! With six Top Ten’s under her belt, You now has her fifth Top Three video…which ties her with John Legend for the record! Now that she is back, can she take down those above her?
2. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #3)
They are one step away! After a long journey, Mihimaru GT is one step away from their second number one video! They have a new single coming in April and supposedly a new album in early summer (June) so I will be HELLA HAPPY! But with this duo at number two, another duo is at number one…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Four Weeks at #1)
….For a fourth straight week! Bennie K holds it down for a full month and ties CRS for the longest running number one video of 2008! It has been a while since they were this high and they are holding on tight! Congratulations, ladies! Oh….and Yuki, I love you!
That is all for this week! Can Bennie K make it five weeks at number one and break into the lead for the Video of the Year? Or will Mihimaru GT get back to the top and end their streak? Or will Yui leap them all and take her third crown? Tune in next Friday to find out!
Well, I am out for now. I will probably see “Superhero Movie” (Please….don’t ask why. I am killing time until the massive orgasm that is “Iron Man”) tonight and then some basketball after that. GOOOOOOOO YUKLA!! Stay up, peeps.
Chachi Out.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Do You Believe In Magic? You Do If You Are A Christian!
Okay, I am back for the fourth day in a row with a brand new rant. Yes, I know I am putting in work but for the peeps….nothing is too much. Now seeing as how Colorado Springs is the home of the Christian, very often have I had to talk to people about the Big J. No, not Mick Jagger but the King of the Jew’s. Yeah, good old Jesus (Hippie Jesus, not Mormon Jesus) seems to be the focal point of all things Colorado and seemingly all things American. What is weird is that we as Americans look at Middle East, an area where the Muslim religion weighs HEAVILY in their government and social norms, and we say that they are living in a dated era. You know, the Vatican pretty much runs Italy and no one says shit. Have you SEEN what Catholics believe? I have heard more logical and relevant belief cores from snake handlers. At least they worship something they can see….albeit they are batshit crazy (But which religion ISN’T in these days and times?) and in all honesty just plain dumb.
As one what doesn’t believe in the mythos or overall story of Jesus Christ, it makes things hard because when Christians (Or especially Catholics because they can all suck a dick as far as I’m concerned. The pope is a fucking Nazi and your views are not relevant in today’s world. Fuck all of you. AND TELL THE POPE TO TAKE OFF THAT SILLY ASS HAT!) ask “you do you believe in God” and you say “I believe in A god” they always freak out. They think that everyone believes in the Christian god here to which I say the nay no to that. I mean I understand that people have their beliefs. If you are following the “teachings” of Jesus and the Bible….which are rather vague and open to interpretation to the point that they have been used to justify everything from manifest destiny to the Cola Wars….that is fine and by all means bang on that Bible until the wheels fall off. However, DO NOT attempt to explain to me how any of what happened in the Bible actually fucking happened. If you believe in the Bible, you have to believe in Lord of the Rings, X-Men and Black unity because they are just as fake as the Bibles’ stories. What is worse is that they KNOW that it couldn’t logically have happened but they continue to believe the words as factual, rather than as anecdotal of a way to live your life.
I mean when you read the Bible (which I am rusty on, I will admit) you begin to realize that it contradicts itself on every page. In fairness, all books of worship do this but Christans are in denial about the lack of sense and continuity in the book. The Bible needs a “Crisis of Infinite Earth’s” style re-vamp because it makes no sense and makes it hard to convert people because….well it’s word is bullshit. If these were the words and teachings of Jesus (To which again I have to call bullshit because the records of Jesus are not founded until no less than 100 years after his death…and even then there is no documentation of the existence of Jesus Christ. Look it up because I am right. More on this later) it was obvious that he was high because they make no sense and are filled with a whole bunch of stories that are improbable if not utter and complete horseshit. So if you are going to try to defend the existence of Jesus Christ as a person then you are fighting an uphill battle because he didn’t. You want to know what? Here are just a few of the inaccuracies in the tales of good ol’ JC. And not J.C. Chasez because he gay:
Inaccuracy #1: He Was A Heeb, Not A Wop
People (See: WHITE PEOPLE) will swear up and down that Jesus looked like Ted Nugent with the greatest hair day known to man. However, looking at the indigenous people of the area of Jereselem at the time, Jesus could not have looked like this:
He either looked like this:
Or this:
Stark contrast from the pictures I am forced to look at in church, isn’t it. The fact is that Jesus did not look like the Mormon Jesus pictures. He would have had to look like a big nosed Jew or a wide nosed Negro. Now Christians may say that the pictures don’t matter and that it was his words that were important (more on that lie later) but try this on for size:
JESUS WAS A JEW. A BRONZE HAIRED, BRONZE SKINNED JEW.
That noise what the head of Christians everywhere exploding.
Inaccuracy #2: What’s Next, Giant Robots?!
From David and Goliath to a dragon being fed cake until he exploded (So….the Bible is an episode of Tom and Jerry? Now that’s more like it!) the bible is chock full of shit that could not and DID NOT happen. One man and one woman in a garden with a talking snake? C’mon. A burning bush that started to talk? That sonofabitch is on ACID! Parting of a WHOLE SEA? Tablets falling from the sky? All the animals in the world on a boat that saved them from a flood? Okay, I have had enough. None of this is true. Like Aesop’s fables, they are tall tales to tell a story and give a moral. If it is just that, I am totally cool with it. But to say you BELIEVE in the truth that these events happened is just idiotic. One thing has never been explained: is the bible Jesus’s words, his stories or the words of god? No matter what, it’s all stupid.
Inaccuracy #3: As Rambo Would Say….YOU WERENT THERE!
This is the big one that just blows the truth of the Bible out of the water. With documentation of Jesus about 100 years after his believed being in Jeruselem there is a bit of…margin for error so to speak. Not only that, these stories are being told like…fifteenth hand. Now unless Jesus kept in depth recollections of his self-imposed tragic life on the tears stained pages of “Dear Diary” no one know what the hell really happened. Now people can look at R.Kelly on videotape peeing on a minor and say “I dunno…that could be Avant” but they read the bible and say “That shit sho’nuff happened!” then I see something very wrong with your logic. Belief is NOT delusion.
At the end of the day, the fact that people take the words of the Bible literally are just plain wacky. Even if the events in the book DID happen, it is full of exaggeration and blatant impossibilities so there is a lot of logic defying acceptance that must take place. I will always say that if you find something that makes you feel complete to the point that you become a better person I am all for it. Whether you read the Torah, Quran or Bible it doesn’t matter. Believe in the words, not in the story. Because the story is utter and complete bullshit.
Now if you excuse me, they are about to announce America’s Best Dance Crew!!!!
Chachi Out!
As one what doesn’t believe in the mythos or overall story of Jesus Christ, it makes things hard because when Christians (Or especially Catholics because they can all suck a dick as far as I’m concerned. The pope is a fucking Nazi and your views are not relevant in today’s world. Fuck all of you. AND TELL THE POPE TO TAKE OFF THAT SILLY ASS HAT!) ask “you do you believe in God” and you say “I believe in A god” they always freak out. They think that everyone believes in the Christian god here to which I say the nay no to that. I mean I understand that people have their beliefs. If you are following the “teachings” of Jesus and the Bible….which are rather vague and open to interpretation to the point that they have been used to justify everything from manifest destiny to the Cola Wars….that is fine and by all means bang on that Bible until the wheels fall off. However, DO NOT attempt to explain to me how any of what happened in the Bible actually fucking happened. If you believe in the Bible, you have to believe in Lord of the Rings, X-Men and Black unity because they are just as fake as the Bibles’ stories. What is worse is that they KNOW that it couldn’t logically have happened but they continue to believe the words as factual, rather than as anecdotal of a way to live your life.
I mean when you read the Bible (which I am rusty on, I will admit) you begin to realize that it contradicts itself on every page. In fairness, all books of worship do this but Christans are in denial about the lack of sense and continuity in the book. The Bible needs a “Crisis of Infinite Earth’s” style re-vamp because it makes no sense and makes it hard to convert people because….well it’s word is bullshit. If these were the words and teachings of Jesus (To which again I have to call bullshit because the records of Jesus are not founded until no less than 100 years after his death…and even then there is no documentation of the existence of Jesus Christ. Look it up because I am right. More on this later) it was obvious that he was high because they make no sense and are filled with a whole bunch of stories that are improbable if not utter and complete horseshit. So if you are going to try to defend the existence of Jesus Christ as a person then you are fighting an uphill battle because he didn’t. You want to know what? Here are just a few of the inaccuracies in the tales of good ol’ JC. And not J.C. Chasez because he gay:
Inaccuracy #1: He Was A Heeb, Not A Wop
People (See: WHITE PEOPLE) will swear up and down that Jesus looked like Ted Nugent with the greatest hair day known to man. However, looking at the indigenous people of the area of Jereselem at the time, Jesus could not have looked like this:
He either looked like this:
Or this:
Stark contrast from the pictures I am forced to look at in church, isn’t it. The fact is that Jesus did not look like the Mormon Jesus pictures. He would have had to look like a big nosed Jew or a wide nosed Negro. Now Christians may say that the pictures don’t matter and that it was his words that were important (more on that lie later) but try this on for size:
JESUS WAS A JEW. A BRONZE HAIRED, BRONZE SKINNED JEW.
That noise what the head of Christians everywhere exploding.
Inaccuracy #2: What’s Next, Giant Robots?!
From David and Goliath to a dragon being fed cake until he exploded (So….the Bible is an episode of Tom and Jerry? Now that’s more like it!) the bible is chock full of shit that could not and DID NOT happen. One man and one woman in a garden with a talking snake? C’mon. A burning bush that started to talk? That sonofabitch is on ACID! Parting of a WHOLE SEA? Tablets falling from the sky? All the animals in the world on a boat that saved them from a flood? Okay, I have had enough. None of this is true. Like Aesop’s fables, they are tall tales to tell a story and give a moral. If it is just that, I am totally cool with it. But to say you BELIEVE in the truth that these events happened is just idiotic. One thing has never been explained: is the bible Jesus’s words, his stories or the words of god? No matter what, it’s all stupid.
Inaccuracy #3: As Rambo Would Say….YOU WERENT THERE!
This is the big one that just blows the truth of the Bible out of the water. With documentation of Jesus about 100 years after his believed being in Jeruselem there is a bit of…margin for error so to speak. Not only that, these stories are being told like…fifteenth hand. Now unless Jesus kept in depth recollections of his self-imposed tragic life on the tears stained pages of “Dear Diary” no one know what the hell really happened. Now people can look at R.Kelly on videotape peeing on a minor and say “I dunno…that could be Avant” but they read the bible and say “That shit sho’nuff happened!” then I see something very wrong with your logic. Belief is NOT delusion.
At the end of the day, the fact that people take the words of the Bible literally are just plain wacky. Even if the events in the book DID happen, it is full of exaggeration and blatant impossibilities so there is a lot of logic defying acceptance that must take place. I will always say that if you find something that makes you feel complete to the point that you become a better person I am all for it. Whether you read the Torah, Quran or Bible it doesn’t matter. Believe in the words, not in the story. Because the story is utter and complete bullshit.
Now if you excuse me, they are about to announce America’s Best Dance Crew!!!!
Chachi Out!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
N****s & B*****s Throw Yo Hands Up! And READ THIS.
So yesterday Zach and I had a very insightful conversation about that bimbo game that was made in England (Brits…like sober Japanese people) and we were talking about how women always claim to be “exploited” and “portrayed unfairly” when LITERALLY half the time these images are either being created or perpetuated by women themselves. How many times have women claimed that they are made to live up to an naturally unattainable version of beauty that is created and reinforced by men yet women THEMSELVES are creating fashion lines that cut off the circulation to their legs and creating bras that lift and separate to the point that your breasts need a tourniquet? What really irks me is the fact that the rational that women give that “well, at least it is a woman making the money rather than a man!” Wow, that is some niggerish logic right there.
Wait a minute….EUREKA! It is all making sense! The constant double standards! The total lack of logic about their views of equality! Feigned individuality and independence which is actually a cloak for total conformity! The love of fat white women! The love of gaudy jewelry! The horrible, HORRIBLE fashion sense! It is official!
Women are the new niggas.
It’s true, IT IS SO TRUE! So today, I have YET ANOTHER RANT and it is something that just hit me so bare with my progression as this is all coming off top of head. So today, I give the peeps….
Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi’s Five Reasons Why!
Today’s Topic: Five Reasons Why….Women Are The New Black.
Yeah…I am totally losing readers with this one.
Reason #1: Women Are The New Black Because….They Exploit Themselves.
Where to start, where to START? Remember all those 1970’s blaxiplotiation movies? They were created because of the lack of roles for Black actors in movies and the roles that WERE available were roles of pimp, drug dealer and other ne’er-do-wells. So Blacks created movies themselves that gave them new roles….of pimps, drug dealers and other ne’er-do-wells. Yes they were being put in less than flattering roles, but dammit they were getting the money and not the white man!
Now let’s look at women. Women were only cast in roles if they were pleasing to the eye, docile or demure, a total bulldike or if they fit the role of angry/ugly shrew woman or slut. Then women didn’t want these roles and wanted to be cast in roles that showed the full spectrum of the female experience. So women made their own shows and got their own networks (Lifetime, Oxygen, The WB/UPN or the CW for not just women but Black women, too) to make shows and create roles for all women. Yet…when you think of the show that all women love the most it is “Sex In The City.” Who are the characters in that show? A woman that is pleasing to the eye, a docile character that SO wants to fall in love and get married, a total bulldike and an angry (and old) slut. So…what was the difference between before and after? Just because the book the show is based on was written by a woman it makes it okay? Bullcrap. The fact is, just like the reason Blacks were (and in some cases are) exploited is that they did it themselves. Same for women.
Think I am wrong? Look at all the women with sex tapes out there. Now women want to blame the man for these videos and their mass distribution but think about it. The women have to AGREE to have the video distributed before it gets into mass production. Now I know the internet can screw with that but that is the unknown. What we do know is that these videos are rarely on HIDDEN cameras and the women are aware of every second of video. So when it hits the internet or the streets, they KNOW with past issues with this that it is not only probable, it is inevitable that the video was going to be seen and that they also can make a hefty sum from it. So in essence, they are no better than porn stars. Actually, they are NOT better than porn stars because porn stars are professionals. They are like baseball players: they start in the minor leagues (gonzo) until they make it to the show (Vivid, Wicked). The fact is that when there is money or the chance for stardom involved, women are no better than anyone else. Which leads me to my next reason.
Reason #2: Women Are The New Black Because….They Don’t Respect Themselves.
Gone are the days of Poor Righteous Teachers and KRS-One telling Black people to read a damn book and get a real damn job. The Civil Rights Movement is long gone and quite simply Black people got an inch and wanted to become a ruler. Which is fine it you use that rule to change the status quo but when you traded in that ruler for spinning rims and a giant necklace that says “Stack Dat Cheese” you really negate what so many Blacks took ass-whoopins’, dog bites and fire hoses for. They fought for your right to get into a prestigious college and apply and compete for a job that you couldn’t even get into the building to apply for. Not for your stupid ass to put $15,000 rims on a $5,000 car. So THAT is what my grandparents marched for?! For you to put four TV screens in a FUCKING CUTLASS SUPREME?! GOD DAMMIT! The simple fact is that despite all the work that was done in the 60’s and 70’s to help give Blacks some respectability Blacks (And Ronald Reagan’s evil ass, but mostly Blacks), it has been undone with the crap done in the last 10 years or so by Nelly, 50 Cent and Nick Cannon.
Now let’s look at woman. A long time ago, women weren’t allowed to vote. It was a better, simpler time. However, women wanted their voices to be heard and they stepped out of the kitchen and marched and protested for their rights. From that point on, women were bitching (And I mean that in the most respectful way possible) their way to equality. From entering toe workplace to Title IX women fought long and hard to get to a playing field where they could compete fairly against men. So how are they thanked for all the hard work they put blazing a path for women to be seen as equals? My Sweet Sixteen?!
Okay, so you have the right to vote and play sports just like men. You can apply for any job and yet you decide that your goal as a teenager is to be a spoiled little rich whore?
Well that is just fricking peachy! THIS is why women are in this state right now. I mean if you don’t respect the fact that others paved the way for you to achieve more than be eye candy or a housewife then you should never….EVER complain about the perception of women. Now some women want to be a housewife and that is fine. I believe that someone needs to raise kids before they get to the age I have to use my tax dollars pay for their ass being in prison for because mommy and daddy didn’t love the little fuck enough. As for women being happy as eye candy. Well, I know a lot of people say if you got it flaunt it. Just like Black men “ball till they fall” because they can’t take the money with them, that is a logical sentiment and I can understand that. However, if you ARE going to decide to use your body to get what you want whether it be money, free drinks or attention remember that with great power comes great responsibility. Women (and several Black celebs) believe in the credo “all the power with no responsibility” because it seems that they want to be catty and petty about other women and be able to judge others freely but when people question them they are “insulting their freedom as a woman.” I have to call bullshit on that. Your freedom as a woman doesn’t mean wantonly freejacking with your clothes off all over the club like your name is Mick Jagger but when someone takes a picture you have been “violated.” If you use the freedom of getting drunk and acting stupid in front of a group of guys, you have to understand and accept the responsibility of the fact that the video of your asshatery will end up on “Girls Gone Wild.” Just like I know that I have the freedom to wear all red to look fashionable, but I understand and accept the responsibility that some random niggas may not appreciate me all up in they hood in the wrong colors. Fair? Not really. Reality. You got that right. Until you respect yourself enough to wear some clothes, no one will.
Reason #3: Women Are The New Black Because….They Don’t Respect Each Other.
This rolls right back into reason number two. You know how the big thing in the 1990’s was “stop black on black crime?” Did it ever really stop? I mean honestly, Black people spend more time hating other Black people than they ever do hating the White man. I will be the first to admit that. Not only that, Black people not only not respect themselves or each other but they try as hard as they can to make sure other Blacks don’t succeed. Hip Hop beefs, anyone? Hell, look at how many Black women don’t like Barack Obama. They would rather vote for a Black man with a WHITE WIFE than a Black man with a BLACK WIFE. For the slow, that is a joke on how niggas would always say that Bill Clinton was the first Black president. If you missed that, I’m sorry but I keeps it funny. The Haterade that flows in the Black community is enough to hydrate all of Africa (Although all the electrolytes would give them the energy to keep fucking and spreading AIDS so maybe that isn’t the best idea) and is only outdone by one section of people.
WOMEN
I have never met a pettier, snider, conniving and pure hateful and mean set of people in my life….except Koreans. And Korean women….you may as well just stop and get your stuff and leave because they are crazy. I kid, they are great sometimes. I have never seen a group of people that hate each other more than women. And for no good reason, either! I dated a girl in college that DESPISED her best friend because she thought she was a whore. Now what was even more funny is that this was after we started talking again after she cheated (Yeah, I am kind of a punk) and I thought to myself “Her promiscuity aside…you are a cheater. Wouldn’t that default make you a bigger whore?” Now I never asked that question because I wasn’t as ballsy then as I am now but where is the logic in that? A woman that has cheated on her boyfriend thinks a woman that has had multiple sexual partners but not “boyfriends” is a whore. Is that just semantics or plain stupidity?
You see, a friend of mine told me that women are perpetually unhappy. They HAVE to have something to hate (God…just like Black people. I AM GOOD!) because women don’t have this little thing called “logic.” Now they know OF logic, but the usage of it is foreign much like the usage of emotions are new territory for about 90% of men unless it is anger, horny or angorny (or the emotion that drives bukkake and the rest of the Japanese porn industry). So women have to be mad about something for the attention and the creation of drama. Since men try to avoid drama at all costs and just invest in jewelry/flowers/gifts to steer that train of illogical woman emotional treachery down another track (I meet it head on like Bruce Banner. HULK SMASH YOUR ILLOGICAL STUPIDITY WITH BRAIN POWER!) the only way women can unleash their misplaced unhappiness is other women. Much like niggas place their anger about being lazy shit on other niggas. Hence….a nigga moment:
Therefore, women’s main nemesis is other women because they are the only ones that will go down the ratholes they go. Not only that, they are the only ones that understand their illogical thought processes….just like niggas. Man, this is GOLD.
Reason #4: Women Are The New Black Because….Only They Get Each Other.
At the end of the day, women claim to be complex creatures. The truth is, you are not. Women are simple to read and simple to understand because just think of the most logical thing to do and they will think the EXACT OPPOSITE. That thought process literally has helped me understand women at about an 88% clip. Sad but true. Zach can attest to this point because he has taken Women’s Studies classes as much as I have. However, I actually had to interact with them outside of class in several events and projects because I was part of the women’s awareness group at school. After listening to them, I learned that women have to hang out with other women because they don’t make any real sense….except to other women. That is why they hate each other so much because they know no one else really understands them but they are by nature an unhappy breed so they end up at each others throats more often than not. Just like Black men in the streets. They know no one thinks that selling drugs is a legitimate form of work except for others in the streets…but they gotta make that cheddar too.
Guys, you ever sit back and listen to two women talk about something and you wonder how two people can both have such an illogical view on the same subject that isn’t based on any rational thought whatsoever? Because women thrive on conformity. They need to be in a pack in order to be appreciated or need to be the center of attention in order to feel needed. That is why women travel in packs and when one breaks off after a guy is talking to her they all wander around like wolves that lost the alpha male. They NEED each other. At the same time, they are thinking of ways to off that bitch so that someone else can take lead position. See: “Mean Girls.” Even though women will always call men dogs and whatnot, it is obvious that women are more in need of the group support than men are. They are in need of affirmation of decisions (usually bad) and they will only get that from women or dudes that want to hit it. As one who has given up on sex as a whole (too many…or too few bad experiences, I guess) I have no real reason to care what a woman thinks of me so if they ask me something about anything I will let them know no matter whether it hurts their feelings or not. Now that alienates me from a lot of people but I have a great corps or peeps that I am down to right for. Now some women are okay with hearing the truth because no matter what, a woman is going to do what they want to anyway because they run under the “I am a woman, so I can!” ideal that results in so many bad things happening. When those things happen, I stop and say “did you need to be in that situation?” For a woman, the situation doesn’t matter; all they care about is the end result. That is an insane process of rationality (It is like the Underpants Gnome Theory) which women pretty much THRIVE ON. In parallel, Black people live on the “Wish Theory” as in “I wish a nigga would” as Cedric the Entertainer so eloquently put it. Since I don’t live by that concept, I rarely get along with Black people. Since I believe that rational thought trumps baseless emotional processes (“I can cheat because its my right and all men cheat” which sounds eerily like “I am Black so I can be racist because all White people are racist” because both make no fucking sense unless you are full of estrogen or high…which women and niggas are both respectively) the only person that will understand a woman’s jacked up point of view is a woman. Or a nigga. It’s why they date. Black women….now you know. And YOUR WELCOME!
Reason #5: Women Are The New Black Because….Both Are Fashion Misfits.
Man, you have no idea how true this is. Two words: Soulja Boy. The man looks like HR Puffenstuff ate him, threw him up and then coughed up some extra bile to make his ugly ass glasses. As a matter of fact, go to the mall. Right now. The Black mall, not the white one. Then, just look at the fashions of Black males and any female. Go ahead, I’ll wait. I will watch some Kelun:
Now THAT’S music. You back? What did you see? A bunch of color clashing mouthbreathers with ugly sunglasses and tacky coats. Now I will admit I have some big sunglasses but I don’t look like Bono mated with a retarded muppet. Have you seen how women dress now days? They look like a stripper with poor color selection. You don’t think that is enough for me to say that women are just like niggas? Well, lets break it down like this. Both niggas and bitches love:
1. Sunglasses: I will admit, I like sunglasses. But both women and Black dudes have an asinine amount of sunglasses. And they always have to tell you about them. Whether it be “OMG, look at my new sunglasses!” or “Nigga, check this shit out!” they both love them more than…actual fashion
2. Regular Glasses: Now I believe that women wear them not because they need them (You ever seen them drive?) but because they think that glasses make them look smarter and cancel out all the whore in them. Wow, the whoriest women I knew wore glasses. Better to see the wang with, I guess. Oh, and niggas love glasses because it makes them look credible as a rapper or a defendant. Or both. Gangstas don’t wear glasses!
3. Long shirts: The only difference is that thugs wear long white shirts as shirts. Women wear them like they are clothing. Just so you know, a long shirt isn’t a skirt; it is just a long shirt. Put on some fucking pants; quit being a fashion deficient dipshit.
4. Shoes: Once again, I am all about this. But niggas don’t have any functional shoes. You cant wear S-Dots or G-Unit sneakers to work. And if you can, get a real fucking job. As for women: if your shoes hurt your feet; don’t wear them. That simple. You may think those heels are cute, but they really say “swallowing is extra!” They are called hooker boots and stripper heels for a reason. You don’t want to be known as one, don’t wear them. When I wore all red I was thought to be a Blood even though I wasn’t. Same fucking thing.
5. Belts: Niggas wear belt buckles that have an LED scroll. Women wear belts that don’t hold up their pants. Both non-purpose, both non-functional, both fucking stupid.
6. Jewelry: Don’t even GET me started. Do the words “bling bling” ring a bell? At least niggas get on the grind for their money. Dealing drugs, making repetitive rap beats, catching touchdowns. Hey work for it. Women expect that shit to be given to them. Wow, I guess niggas got a one up on the ladies.
7. Tattoos: Oy vey. Ladies….a tattoo on the small of the back is not original. No matter what the art, I don’t give a fuck if you dug up Di Vinci, reanimated him and held a gun to his head while he recreated the Sistine Chapel on your waistline. Its not original, you are a conformist. Just admit it and stop lying to yourself and acting like you are “sooooo unique.” Lying hussy. Same for niggas. Getting tattoos on your stomach aren’t sexy and they aren’t “street.” They are fucking stupid and look stupid, too. Spend the money from that tattoo and buy some books.
Oh, I am SO NOT DONE WITH TATTOOS! This is a big point of contention with me, not because people get them. If you want to mutilate your body, be my guest. My irritation is how women and niggas act like it is such a form of individuality and self expression. Um…it isn’t. It is a branding of conformity. You want to be an individual, staple a ferret to your head. You want to follow with the crowd? Get a tattoo. Also, of you get (Or have) any of the following tattoos:
• A butterfly (ESPECIALLY ON A DUDE. That reeks of gay, and I have seen six dudes kissing five dudes. Ladies….just no. Seriously…just no)
• Picture of a relative (Dead or alive. Your tattoo aint bringing them back from the dead. If it did, it would be shot in the head because then they would be a zombie and they eat brains. Congrats, you are infecting people with the T-Virus because of your lame ass memoriam)
• Any religious symbols or icons (I am sure when Jesus was nailed to the plank, he was saying “Man, I hope some ignorant ass niggas and women insecure in their whoredom get tattoos of me! On their back!” See, when you think about that, it doesn’t make the crucifix on your spine seem like such a logical decision on how to remember the third greatest fictional character of all time. Logic, peeps. It’s spreading.
• Kanji or characters (Listen here and listen good. The Japanese don’t get the word “death” or “life” tattoos on their asscrack in English. Please give them the same courtesy. I love the Asian culture as much as the next anime & j-pop fan but I don’t have “BANKAI” tattooed on me for a reason. It’s plain stupid.
• Roses/Tribal (If people have these and the JUST GOT THEM I believe you should have legal right to actually staple barbed wire or thorns into their arms. It would hurt about the same and hopefully you would catch a blood infection and die. Because you would deserve it for getting a tattoo that was only cool in the late 90’s by brain-dead Marines and strippers.
• Your Own Design (Touched on this earlier. It is NOT your design; it has been done by someone on this planet of SIX BILLION FUCKING PEOPLE! Unless you get a tattoo of a pirate riding on a winged grizzly bear that is breathing fire while said pirate is having sex with three geishas with gummi bears for nipples and the bear is attacking a five headed Hydra being rode by Roy Orbison high on smack and holding a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 while tossing off a drunken transvestite dressed as the Statue of Liberty singing “Lost In Your Eyes” by Debbie Gibson while Debbie Gibson is actually there giving some rimwork to said transvestite all in Wembley Stadium with fireworks and Foreigner playing in the background on a sea of tapioca pudding…you don’t have an original design. And I am sure someone has THAT, which would actually be pretty bad ass.
In closing, women have taken on all the traits of niggas just like bros have taken on all the traits of the insecurites of women. In the end, there is one thing that women, niggas and bros all love: Lil Jon
I will admit….I will miss him when he is in prison. Overall women and niggas are the same people. It is why interracial dating is on the rise. You gotta love who loves you, and since they all have the same faults it is a match made in heaven. Now that they have found love, what are they gonna do? With it:
Where in the helly is Heavy D?! I miss his non-threatening version of what we call rap! Anyway, if you are a Black woman…you are kind of on the outside looking in. There is always Asians!
And on that note, that’s all for now. I will try to be back tomorrow (It is hard to do a post everyday) with something new but if not….I have two and a half years of work on this thing. Look at the archives. And vote for Douchebrawl! Stay up, peeps.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Wait a minute….EUREKA! It is all making sense! The constant double standards! The total lack of logic about their views of equality! Feigned individuality and independence which is actually a cloak for total conformity! The love of fat white women! The love of gaudy jewelry! The horrible, HORRIBLE fashion sense! It is official!
Women are the new niggas.
It’s true, IT IS SO TRUE! So today, I have YET ANOTHER RANT and it is something that just hit me so bare with my progression as this is all coming off top of head. So today, I give the peeps….
Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi’s Five Reasons Why!
Today’s Topic: Five Reasons Why….Women Are The New Black.
Yeah…I am totally losing readers with this one.
Reason #1: Women Are The New Black Because….They Exploit Themselves.
Where to start, where to START? Remember all those 1970’s blaxiplotiation movies? They were created because of the lack of roles for Black actors in movies and the roles that WERE available were roles of pimp, drug dealer and other ne’er-do-wells. So Blacks created movies themselves that gave them new roles….of pimps, drug dealers and other ne’er-do-wells. Yes they were being put in less than flattering roles, but dammit they were getting the money and not the white man!
Now let’s look at women. Women were only cast in roles if they were pleasing to the eye, docile or demure, a total bulldike or if they fit the role of angry/ugly shrew woman or slut. Then women didn’t want these roles and wanted to be cast in roles that showed the full spectrum of the female experience. So women made their own shows and got their own networks (Lifetime, Oxygen, The WB/UPN or the CW for not just women but Black women, too) to make shows and create roles for all women. Yet…when you think of the show that all women love the most it is “Sex In The City.” Who are the characters in that show? A woman that is pleasing to the eye, a docile character that SO wants to fall in love and get married, a total bulldike and an angry (and old) slut. So…what was the difference between before and after? Just because the book the show is based on was written by a woman it makes it okay? Bullcrap. The fact is, just like the reason Blacks were (and in some cases are) exploited is that they did it themselves. Same for women.
Think I am wrong? Look at all the women with sex tapes out there. Now women want to blame the man for these videos and their mass distribution but think about it. The women have to AGREE to have the video distributed before it gets into mass production. Now I know the internet can screw with that but that is the unknown. What we do know is that these videos are rarely on HIDDEN cameras and the women are aware of every second of video. So when it hits the internet or the streets, they KNOW with past issues with this that it is not only probable, it is inevitable that the video was going to be seen and that they also can make a hefty sum from it. So in essence, they are no better than porn stars. Actually, they are NOT better than porn stars because porn stars are professionals. They are like baseball players: they start in the minor leagues (gonzo) until they make it to the show (Vivid, Wicked). The fact is that when there is money or the chance for stardom involved, women are no better than anyone else. Which leads me to my next reason.
Reason #2: Women Are The New Black Because….They Don’t Respect Themselves.
Gone are the days of Poor Righteous Teachers and KRS-One telling Black people to read a damn book and get a real damn job. The Civil Rights Movement is long gone and quite simply Black people got an inch and wanted to become a ruler. Which is fine it you use that rule to change the status quo but when you traded in that ruler for spinning rims and a giant necklace that says “Stack Dat Cheese” you really negate what so many Blacks took ass-whoopins’, dog bites and fire hoses for. They fought for your right to get into a prestigious college and apply and compete for a job that you couldn’t even get into the building to apply for. Not for your stupid ass to put $15,000 rims on a $5,000 car. So THAT is what my grandparents marched for?! For you to put four TV screens in a FUCKING CUTLASS SUPREME?! GOD DAMMIT! The simple fact is that despite all the work that was done in the 60’s and 70’s to help give Blacks some respectability Blacks (And Ronald Reagan’s evil ass, but mostly Blacks), it has been undone with the crap done in the last 10 years or so by Nelly, 50 Cent and Nick Cannon.
Now let’s look at woman. A long time ago, women weren’t allowed to vote. It was a better, simpler time. However, women wanted their voices to be heard and they stepped out of the kitchen and marched and protested for their rights. From that point on, women were bitching (And I mean that in the most respectful way possible) their way to equality. From entering toe workplace to Title IX women fought long and hard to get to a playing field where they could compete fairly against men. So how are they thanked for all the hard work they put blazing a path for women to be seen as equals? My Sweet Sixteen?!
Okay, so you have the right to vote and play sports just like men. You can apply for any job and yet you decide that your goal as a teenager is to be a spoiled little rich whore?
Well that is just fricking peachy! THIS is why women are in this state right now. I mean if you don’t respect the fact that others paved the way for you to achieve more than be eye candy or a housewife then you should never….EVER complain about the perception of women. Now some women want to be a housewife and that is fine. I believe that someone needs to raise kids before they get to the age I have to use my tax dollars pay for their ass being in prison for because mommy and daddy didn’t love the little fuck enough. As for women being happy as eye candy. Well, I know a lot of people say if you got it flaunt it. Just like Black men “ball till they fall” because they can’t take the money with them, that is a logical sentiment and I can understand that. However, if you ARE going to decide to use your body to get what you want whether it be money, free drinks or attention remember that with great power comes great responsibility. Women (and several Black celebs) believe in the credo “all the power with no responsibility” because it seems that they want to be catty and petty about other women and be able to judge others freely but when people question them they are “insulting their freedom as a woman.” I have to call bullshit on that. Your freedom as a woman doesn’t mean wantonly freejacking with your clothes off all over the club like your name is Mick Jagger but when someone takes a picture you have been “violated.” If you use the freedom of getting drunk and acting stupid in front of a group of guys, you have to understand and accept the responsibility of the fact that the video of your asshatery will end up on “Girls Gone Wild.” Just like I know that I have the freedom to wear all red to look fashionable, but I understand and accept the responsibility that some random niggas may not appreciate me all up in they hood in the wrong colors. Fair? Not really. Reality. You got that right. Until you respect yourself enough to wear some clothes, no one will.
Reason #3: Women Are The New Black Because….They Don’t Respect Each Other.
This rolls right back into reason number two. You know how the big thing in the 1990’s was “stop black on black crime?” Did it ever really stop? I mean honestly, Black people spend more time hating other Black people than they ever do hating the White man. I will be the first to admit that. Not only that, Black people not only not respect themselves or each other but they try as hard as they can to make sure other Blacks don’t succeed. Hip Hop beefs, anyone? Hell, look at how many Black women don’t like Barack Obama. They would rather vote for a Black man with a WHITE WIFE than a Black man with a BLACK WIFE. For the slow, that is a joke on how niggas would always say that Bill Clinton was the first Black president. If you missed that, I’m sorry but I keeps it funny. The Haterade that flows in the Black community is enough to hydrate all of Africa (Although all the electrolytes would give them the energy to keep fucking and spreading AIDS so maybe that isn’t the best idea) and is only outdone by one section of people.
WOMEN
I have never met a pettier, snider, conniving and pure hateful and mean set of people in my life….except Koreans. And Korean women….you may as well just stop and get your stuff and leave because they are crazy. I kid, they are great sometimes. I have never seen a group of people that hate each other more than women. And for no good reason, either! I dated a girl in college that DESPISED her best friend because she thought she was a whore. Now what was even more funny is that this was after we started talking again after she cheated (Yeah, I am kind of a punk) and I thought to myself “Her promiscuity aside…you are a cheater. Wouldn’t that default make you a bigger whore?” Now I never asked that question because I wasn’t as ballsy then as I am now but where is the logic in that? A woman that has cheated on her boyfriend thinks a woman that has had multiple sexual partners but not “boyfriends” is a whore. Is that just semantics or plain stupidity?
You see, a friend of mine told me that women are perpetually unhappy. They HAVE to have something to hate (God…just like Black people. I AM GOOD!) because women don’t have this little thing called “logic.” Now they know OF logic, but the usage of it is foreign much like the usage of emotions are new territory for about 90% of men unless it is anger, horny or angorny (or the emotion that drives bukkake and the rest of the Japanese porn industry). So women have to be mad about something for the attention and the creation of drama. Since men try to avoid drama at all costs and just invest in jewelry/flowers/gifts to steer that train of illogical woman emotional treachery down another track (I meet it head on like Bruce Banner. HULK SMASH YOUR ILLOGICAL STUPIDITY WITH BRAIN POWER!) the only way women can unleash their misplaced unhappiness is other women. Much like niggas place their anger about being lazy shit on other niggas. Hence….a nigga moment:
Therefore, women’s main nemesis is other women because they are the only ones that will go down the ratholes they go. Not only that, they are the only ones that understand their illogical thought processes….just like niggas. Man, this is GOLD.
Reason #4: Women Are The New Black Because….Only They Get Each Other.
At the end of the day, women claim to be complex creatures. The truth is, you are not. Women are simple to read and simple to understand because just think of the most logical thing to do and they will think the EXACT OPPOSITE. That thought process literally has helped me understand women at about an 88% clip. Sad but true. Zach can attest to this point because he has taken Women’s Studies classes as much as I have. However, I actually had to interact with them outside of class in several events and projects because I was part of the women’s awareness group at school. After listening to them, I learned that women have to hang out with other women because they don’t make any real sense….except to other women. That is why they hate each other so much because they know no one else really understands them but they are by nature an unhappy breed so they end up at each others throats more often than not. Just like Black men in the streets. They know no one thinks that selling drugs is a legitimate form of work except for others in the streets…but they gotta make that cheddar too.
Guys, you ever sit back and listen to two women talk about something and you wonder how two people can both have such an illogical view on the same subject that isn’t based on any rational thought whatsoever? Because women thrive on conformity. They need to be in a pack in order to be appreciated or need to be the center of attention in order to feel needed. That is why women travel in packs and when one breaks off after a guy is talking to her they all wander around like wolves that lost the alpha male. They NEED each other. At the same time, they are thinking of ways to off that bitch so that someone else can take lead position. See: “Mean Girls.” Even though women will always call men dogs and whatnot, it is obvious that women are more in need of the group support than men are. They are in need of affirmation of decisions (usually bad) and they will only get that from women or dudes that want to hit it. As one who has given up on sex as a whole (too many…or too few bad experiences, I guess) I have no real reason to care what a woman thinks of me so if they ask me something about anything I will let them know no matter whether it hurts their feelings or not. Now that alienates me from a lot of people but I have a great corps or peeps that I am down to right for. Now some women are okay with hearing the truth because no matter what, a woman is going to do what they want to anyway because they run under the “I am a woman, so I can!” ideal that results in so many bad things happening. When those things happen, I stop and say “did you need to be in that situation?” For a woman, the situation doesn’t matter; all they care about is the end result. That is an insane process of rationality (It is like the Underpants Gnome Theory) which women pretty much THRIVE ON. In parallel, Black people live on the “Wish Theory” as in “I wish a nigga would” as Cedric the Entertainer so eloquently put it. Since I don’t live by that concept, I rarely get along with Black people. Since I believe that rational thought trumps baseless emotional processes (“I can cheat because its my right and all men cheat” which sounds eerily like “I am Black so I can be racist because all White people are racist” because both make no fucking sense unless you are full of estrogen or high…which women and niggas are both respectively) the only person that will understand a woman’s jacked up point of view is a woman. Or a nigga. It’s why they date. Black women….now you know. And YOUR WELCOME!
Reason #5: Women Are The New Black Because….Both Are Fashion Misfits.
Man, you have no idea how true this is. Two words: Soulja Boy. The man looks like HR Puffenstuff ate him, threw him up and then coughed up some extra bile to make his ugly ass glasses. As a matter of fact, go to the mall. Right now. The Black mall, not the white one. Then, just look at the fashions of Black males and any female. Go ahead, I’ll wait. I will watch some Kelun:
Now THAT’S music. You back? What did you see? A bunch of color clashing mouthbreathers with ugly sunglasses and tacky coats. Now I will admit I have some big sunglasses but I don’t look like Bono mated with a retarded muppet. Have you seen how women dress now days? They look like a stripper with poor color selection. You don’t think that is enough for me to say that women are just like niggas? Well, lets break it down like this. Both niggas and bitches love:
1. Sunglasses: I will admit, I like sunglasses. But both women and Black dudes have an asinine amount of sunglasses. And they always have to tell you about them. Whether it be “OMG, look at my new sunglasses!” or “Nigga, check this shit out!” they both love them more than…actual fashion
2. Regular Glasses: Now I believe that women wear them not because they need them (You ever seen them drive?) but because they think that glasses make them look smarter and cancel out all the whore in them. Wow, the whoriest women I knew wore glasses. Better to see the wang with, I guess. Oh, and niggas love glasses because it makes them look credible as a rapper or a defendant. Or both. Gangstas don’t wear glasses!
3. Long shirts: The only difference is that thugs wear long white shirts as shirts. Women wear them like they are clothing. Just so you know, a long shirt isn’t a skirt; it is just a long shirt. Put on some fucking pants; quit being a fashion deficient dipshit.
4. Shoes: Once again, I am all about this. But niggas don’t have any functional shoes. You cant wear S-Dots or G-Unit sneakers to work. And if you can, get a real fucking job. As for women: if your shoes hurt your feet; don’t wear them. That simple. You may think those heels are cute, but they really say “swallowing is extra!” They are called hooker boots and stripper heels for a reason. You don’t want to be known as one, don’t wear them. When I wore all red I was thought to be a Blood even though I wasn’t. Same fucking thing.
5. Belts: Niggas wear belt buckles that have an LED scroll. Women wear belts that don’t hold up their pants. Both non-purpose, both non-functional, both fucking stupid.
6. Jewelry: Don’t even GET me started. Do the words “bling bling” ring a bell? At least niggas get on the grind for their money. Dealing drugs, making repetitive rap beats, catching touchdowns. Hey work for it. Women expect that shit to be given to them. Wow, I guess niggas got a one up on the ladies.
7. Tattoos: Oy vey. Ladies….a tattoo on the small of the back is not original. No matter what the art, I don’t give a fuck if you dug up Di Vinci, reanimated him and held a gun to his head while he recreated the Sistine Chapel on your waistline. Its not original, you are a conformist. Just admit it and stop lying to yourself and acting like you are “sooooo unique.” Lying hussy. Same for niggas. Getting tattoos on your stomach aren’t sexy and they aren’t “street.” They are fucking stupid and look stupid, too. Spend the money from that tattoo and buy some books.
Oh, I am SO NOT DONE WITH TATTOOS! This is a big point of contention with me, not because people get them. If you want to mutilate your body, be my guest. My irritation is how women and niggas act like it is such a form of individuality and self expression. Um…it isn’t. It is a branding of conformity. You want to be an individual, staple a ferret to your head. You want to follow with the crowd? Get a tattoo. Also, of you get (Or have) any of the following tattoos:
• A butterfly (ESPECIALLY ON A DUDE. That reeks of gay, and I have seen six dudes kissing five dudes. Ladies….just no. Seriously…just no)
• Picture of a relative (Dead or alive. Your tattoo aint bringing them back from the dead. If it did, it would be shot in the head because then they would be a zombie and they eat brains. Congrats, you are infecting people with the T-Virus because of your lame ass memoriam)
• Any religious symbols or icons (I am sure when Jesus was nailed to the plank, he was saying “Man, I hope some ignorant ass niggas and women insecure in their whoredom get tattoos of me! On their back!” See, when you think about that, it doesn’t make the crucifix on your spine seem like such a logical decision on how to remember the third greatest fictional character of all time. Logic, peeps. It’s spreading.
• Kanji or characters (Listen here and listen good. The Japanese don’t get the word “death” or “life” tattoos on their asscrack in English. Please give them the same courtesy. I love the Asian culture as much as the next anime & j-pop fan but I don’t have “BANKAI” tattooed on me for a reason. It’s plain stupid.
• Roses/Tribal (If people have these and the JUST GOT THEM I believe you should have legal right to actually staple barbed wire or thorns into their arms. It would hurt about the same and hopefully you would catch a blood infection and die. Because you would deserve it for getting a tattoo that was only cool in the late 90’s by brain-dead Marines and strippers.
• Your Own Design (Touched on this earlier. It is NOT your design; it has been done by someone on this planet of SIX BILLION FUCKING PEOPLE! Unless you get a tattoo of a pirate riding on a winged grizzly bear that is breathing fire while said pirate is having sex with three geishas with gummi bears for nipples and the bear is attacking a five headed Hydra being rode by Roy Orbison high on smack and holding a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 while tossing off a drunken transvestite dressed as the Statue of Liberty singing “Lost In Your Eyes” by Debbie Gibson while Debbie Gibson is actually there giving some rimwork to said transvestite all in Wembley Stadium with fireworks and Foreigner playing in the background on a sea of tapioca pudding…you don’t have an original design. And I am sure someone has THAT, which would actually be pretty bad ass.
In closing, women have taken on all the traits of niggas just like bros have taken on all the traits of the insecurites of women. In the end, there is one thing that women, niggas and bros all love: Lil Jon
I will admit….I will miss him when he is in prison. Overall women and niggas are the same people. It is why interracial dating is on the rise. You gotta love who loves you, and since they all have the same faults it is a match made in heaven. Now that they have found love, what are they gonna do? With it:
Where in the helly is Heavy D?! I miss his non-threatening version of what we call rap! Anyway, if you are a Black woman…you are kind of on the outside looking in. There is always Asians!
And on that note, that’s all for now. I will try to be back tomorrow (It is hard to do a post everyday) with something new but if not….I have two and a half years of work on this thing. Look at the archives. And vote for Douchebrawl! Stay up, peeps.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
The High, The Lazy, The Worthless. Fuck Hippies.
It’s me, bitches! I am back again for my fourth post in three days! What can I say…I love the peeps. This week, some people have been all up in arms about how the death toll in Iraq has hit over 4,000 casualties. I don’t believe that is covering actual…IRAQIS but as we all know they don’t really count. Also, earlier in the week during a rousing session of Aqua Teen Hunger Force watching I was IM’d by Zach asking me “It has been five years, why are people STILL protesting the Iraq War?” With no real answer to that question I began to wonder. After 5 years in Iraq, why ARE people still bitching about it? It is a focal point of this election (which in a way it SHOULD be but seriously…is that ALL you have?) and when Sarah Jessica Parker’s ugly (but beautiful on the inside!) grill piece or Skank Watch/Nigga Watch 2008 isn’t on (See www.MediaTakeout.com to see what I mean) it seems to be all the news will talk about. Yet, hasn’t anyone had enough of this yet? Since I am sure the majority of you are ALREADY pissy about where I am going with this, I am just going to jump into this arms out like Jesus on the cross. So here is the blog that probably ends this bad boy.
Passion of Chachi Presents: Learnin’ With Master Chief Captain Chachi!
Today’s Lesson: War Is Hell…..So Shut The Hell Up.
Yeah….this is going to get worse before it EVER gets better.
Now you see, the media is all about semantics. Since most of America has no idea what that is, let me explain:
World War II = WAR
Definition: A conflict carried on by force of arms, as between nations or between parties within a nation; warfare, as by land, sea, or air (Mostly land because…Iraq has three planes and two of them are Go-Bots).
Vietnam War = Police Action
Definition: A relatively localized military action undertaken by regular armed forces, without a formal declaration of war, against guerrillas, insurgents (They ate my baby’s cereal!), or other forces held to be violating international peace and order.
Now looking at those two definitions, you can see two different words and two different actions. Yet, people use them interchangeably which is poor grammar and puts everything in the wrong light. We are not at WAR with Iraq. There is NO Iraqi Army (Or so they say. I thought they were on our side?!), Air Force, Marines, Navy or Power Rangers. It would be hell to fight in all that clothing anyway. You see, because Lil’ Bush is a moron he is getting his ideas mixed up. We as America are at “WAR” with terrorism. About 10 years too late give or take from the time of the first bombing we did but you cant win them all. Besides, Bill was too busy getting minger love to be concerned about our safety against terrorism. Okay, that was a low blow….and so was Monica. ZING!
What is going on in Iraq right now isn’t a “war” as much as it is a very poorly executed police action against a state America claimed to be rogue by having weapons of mass destruction and having a very smelly character as their leader. This COULD have worked had they gone after a country that was a threat FIRST but that is just wishful thinking. Instead of getting the world to agree that Iraq was a threat and declaring a warring action to have them adhere to demands (Which is WAR) we went in without declaring war (which some would call a hostile invasion but we are America and manifest destiny is where it is at, bitches!) as a unilateral Police Academy squad complete with the full cast of idiots:
Anyone else see Donald Rumsfeld as Tackleberry? Either way, by calling this whole debacle a war it takes away from everything good about war. After a war spending goes up, citizen moral improves, the sale of flags goes up and we eat the hell out of apple pie and watch baseball all fucking day because the season never fucking ends. Instead we are in a economic shitfall, people are pissier than ever, I don’t even OWN an American flag (And don’t need one to prove my patriotism, thank you very much) and people care about baseball and the most American thing out right now is “America’s Best Dance Crew.” A war has always been America triumphing with the help of all our homies over an obvious evil that has to be defeated in a manner that is somewhat like the closing of Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo complete with dance number and happy ending of saving the youth center and getting the girl which in the case of WWII was Japan’s technical savy and crazy gameshows:
See, that’s what it feels like to pay taxes. The simple fact is that we are at “war” with an ideology, not a people.
Which brings me to my next real big issue with protestors. Do you not understand that the war has already started? Protesting something that has already started and has been going on for 5 fucking years is pointless. POINTLESS. What do you expect to really accomplish? You hope to end the war NOW? Well, doing that is like stopping a child from drawing on the walls with a crayon…after it has already Picasso’d half the rooms in the house. Yes you stopped it and people will say that one life that is no longer lost is worth it but at the end of the day, protests haven’t stopped shit since the 60’s with the Civil Rights Movement. And remember what happened to them? They got bit by dogs and blasted with hoses. Sure it sounds like good old fashioned fun at the fishing hole but people aint built for that kind of struggle to create change anymore. Hell, there are people here that leave a restaurant after waiting for over 5 minutes. You think those mother fuckers could take a billyclub to the ribs or a boot in the ass? That’s how change is made, hippies: taking a beatdown or a bullet for what you believe in. As Kent State proved, hippies are adept at NEITHER. We are not at war; our troops are glorified citizens on patrol.
Now before you get sand in your vaginas and say that I am making light of a tragic situation let me tell you I am not. I am using humor to explain a point that people are either too hepped up on patriotism or too fucking hepped up on goofballs to see: during war, people die. And compared to other modern “wars” (and “police actions”) the casualties are low:
• World War I: 116,708 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• World War II (Mo’ Betta Battles!): 416,800 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• Korean War: 36,516 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• Vietnam War: 58,217 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• First Gulf War: 148 US Military Casualties (Another 145 non-combat casualties) [Wikipedia]
Taking away the first Gulf War, or as I call it “George Bush’s Day Off,” the 4,000 casualties in this war are lower than any other war we have been involved in. And aside from the 20 British troops and that one guy from Poland (He’s drunk) we are the only country with troops there to begin with. Taking into account that life is precious (Gawd….lame) and the amount of troops actually on the ground, it sounds rough to say but the casualty number is rather low. People haven’t had to live through war so they are unaware of the numbers that usually are killed in battle for various reasons. Protesters up in arms about that need to realize that death is a part of war and a part of war is being in the military. You can’t have life without death, it’s the duplicitous edge of which we live.
Another reason people need to stop complaining is because war is never glamorous or joyous. It is an act of violence and ends in tragedy for all involved. Despite there being a victory to the battle and the temporary end of tyranny (Germany anyone? Although to their credit they have kept their nose clean) war is a horrible event. People die during conflict, whether it be Star Wars or the Cola Wars. Poor Jolt Cola…never had a chance. So understand when I say this I speak from logic not emotion.
• When people enter the US military, there is a chance they become soldiers.
• Soldiers fight on the frontlines during battle.
• Several battles are commonplace during a war.
• In war, people die.
• US soldiers are people.
• Soldiers die in war.
It is that simple. When you enlist in the Armed Services, there is a probability that you will have to fight in combat and one result of fighting in combat is death. These statements are not to belittle what they do (more on that later) but to give people, especially protesters the sobering truth. People are going to die, whether it is from a disease or on the battlefield. To say that we should send them home because soldiers are dying defeats the purpose of the military. First and foremost the military’s job is to protect the citizens of where they originally reside. They have been sent there to “protect” America from terrorism. Guess what? THAT IS THEIR JOB. They knew what they were getting into from the get go, all you are doing is making their job more difficult. Now I personally believe that Lil’ Bush was playing Risk with our troops and forgot that no one holds Asia for a whole game but that is beyond the point. They have been sent there to do a job by their bosses and that is that. Looking at it that logically, it all makes sense and the emotional aspect is pushed to the side. Oh, and yes I DO have friends over in Iraq and all the men in my family (aside from myself and my gay uncle) have served in the military in some way shape or form. Albeit in the Air Force and Navy but still. So I am not heartless, I am just saying the facts.
Speaking of facts…let’s be brutally honest here. War is hell anyway, sending people into battle with no sense is just a recipe for trouble. We all know that the Army is lowering standards to hit recruiting quotas. When you lower the standards or your workers, you lower the quality of their output. That is a proven fact. So when you are sending people who barely got through high school into battle with only playing Halo and Call of Duty 3 on the Xbox 360 as their war experience (Although they totally pwned their bro at the last kegger) you kind of end up with the results we have where troops are ill prepared for the rigors of war and the heated intensity of battle. I live in a pretty heavy military area and a great majority of the soldiers returning from Iraq are gang members looking for a way out or farm boys from Nebraska who just want to shoot "sand monkeys” (Zach’s words…not mine. Okay, I fully agree with that statement). Gone are the times when celebrities and athletes were pulled away from their jobs to go to war. Gone are the days when the best students went to the service academies. Now they go to Pepperdine, or to a lesser extent Yuckla (That’s UCLA…jackass). In the famous words of The New Radicals, you get what you give:
Still love that song. In the end, I cannot knock what they do because I sure as hell aint going to war for no one. I support this country by paying my taxes and funneling money back into the economy via student loans and credit cards. I KEEP AMERICA RUNNING!
In the end, the war is five years in. It is time to not complain about bringing the boys home. It is time to figure out how to not fuck Iraq up even more and get the hell out of dodge without causing a giant nuclear cloud over 60% of the Eurasian continent. I still say we invest in some Gundam’s or EVA’s from Japan. If they had those, I would be the first to sign up! Who is more angst-ridden than me?! You’ve read this thing! I’m one more broken heart away from being Shinji! So protesters need to stop bitching and come up with a real SOLUTION. Don’t look at me; I haven’t been right since the Lunar War.
So that is all for now. I just really hate hippies. I will be back tomorrow most def. Until then, stay up.
Chachi Out.
Passion of Chachi Presents: Learnin’ With Master Chief Captain Chachi!
Today’s Lesson: War Is Hell…..So Shut The Hell Up.
Yeah….this is going to get worse before it EVER gets better.
Now you see, the media is all about semantics. Since most of America has no idea what that is, let me explain:
World War II = WAR
Definition: A conflict carried on by force of arms, as between nations or between parties within a nation; warfare, as by land, sea, or air (Mostly land because…Iraq has three planes and two of them are Go-Bots).
Vietnam War = Police Action
Definition: A relatively localized military action undertaken by regular armed forces, without a formal declaration of war, against guerrillas, insurgents (They ate my baby’s cereal!), or other forces held to be violating international peace and order.
Now looking at those two definitions, you can see two different words and two different actions. Yet, people use them interchangeably which is poor grammar and puts everything in the wrong light. We are not at WAR with Iraq. There is NO Iraqi Army (Or so they say. I thought they were on our side?!), Air Force, Marines, Navy or Power Rangers. It would be hell to fight in all that clothing anyway. You see, because Lil’ Bush is a moron he is getting his ideas mixed up. We as America are at “WAR” with terrorism. About 10 years too late give or take from the time of the first bombing we did but you cant win them all. Besides, Bill was too busy getting minger love to be concerned about our safety against terrorism. Okay, that was a low blow….and so was Monica. ZING!
What is going on in Iraq right now isn’t a “war” as much as it is a very poorly executed police action against a state America claimed to be rogue by having weapons of mass destruction and having a very smelly character as their leader. This COULD have worked had they gone after a country that was a threat FIRST but that is just wishful thinking. Instead of getting the world to agree that Iraq was a threat and declaring a warring action to have them adhere to demands (Which is WAR) we went in without declaring war (which some would call a hostile invasion but we are America and manifest destiny is where it is at, bitches!) as a unilateral Police Academy squad complete with the full cast of idiots:
Anyone else see Donald Rumsfeld as Tackleberry? Either way, by calling this whole debacle a war it takes away from everything good about war. After a war spending goes up, citizen moral improves, the sale of flags goes up and we eat the hell out of apple pie and watch baseball all fucking day because the season never fucking ends. Instead we are in a economic shitfall, people are pissier than ever, I don’t even OWN an American flag (And don’t need one to prove my patriotism, thank you very much) and people care about baseball and the most American thing out right now is “America’s Best Dance Crew.” A war has always been America triumphing with the help of all our homies over an obvious evil that has to be defeated in a manner that is somewhat like the closing of Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo complete with dance number and happy ending of saving the youth center and getting the girl which in the case of WWII was Japan’s technical savy and crazy gameshows:
See, that’s what it feels like to pay taxes. The simple fact is that we are at “war” with an ideology, not a people.
Which brings me to my next real big issue with protestors. Do you not understand that the war has already started? Protesting something that has already started and has been going on for 5 fucking years is pointless. POINTLESS. What do you expect to really accomplish? You hope to end the war NOW? Well, doing that is like stopping a child from drawing on the walls with a crayon…after it has already Picasso’d half the rooms in the house. Yes you stopped it and people will say that one life that is no longer lost is worth it but at the end of the day, protests haven’t stopped shit since the 60’s with the Civil Rights Movement. And remember what happened to them? They got bit by dogs and blasted with hoses. Sure it sounds like good old fashioned fun at the fishing hole but people aint built for that kind of struggle to create change anymore. Hell, there are people here that leave a restaurant after waiting for over 5 minutes. You think those mother fuckers could take a billyclub to the ribs or a boot in the ass? That’s how change is made, hippies: taking a beatdown or a bullet for what you believe in. As Kent State proved, hippies are adept at NEITHER. We are not at war; our troops are glorified citizens on patrol.
Now before you get sand in your vaginas and say that I am making light of a tragic situation let me tell you I am not. I am using humor to explain a point that people are either too hepped up on patriotism or too fucking hepped up on goofballs to see: during war, people die. And compared to other modern “wars” (and “police actions”) the casualties are low:
• World War I: 116,708 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• World War II (Mo’ Betta Battles!): 416,800 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• Korean War: 36,516 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• Vietnam War: 58,217 US Military Casualties (Wikipedia)
• First Gulf War: 148 US Military Casualties (Another 145 non-combat casualties) [Wikipedia]
Taking away the first Gulf War, or as I call it “George Bush’s Day Off,” the 4,000 casualties in this war are lower than any other war we have been involved in. And aside from the 20 British troops and that one guy from Poland (He’s drunk) we are the only country with troops there to begin with. Taking into account that life is precious (Gawd….lame) and the amount of troops actually on the ground, it sounds rough to say but the casualty number is rather low. People haven’t had to live through war so they are unaware of the numbers that usually are killed in battle for various reasons. Protesters up in arms about that need to realize that death is a part of war and a part of war is being in the military. You can’t have life without death, it’s the duplicitous edge of which we live.
Another reason people need to stop complaining is because war is never glamorous or joyous. It is an act of violence and ends in tragedy for all involved. Despite there being a victory to the battle and the temporary end of tyranny (Germany anyone? Although to their credit they have kept their nose clean) war is a horrible event. People die during conflict, whether it be Star Wars or the Cola Wars. Poor Jolt Cola…never had a chance. So understand when I say this I speak from logic not emotion.
• When people enter the US military, there is a chance they become soldiers.
• Soldiers fight on the frontlines during battle.
• Several battles are commonplace during a war.
• In war, people die.
• US soldiers are people.
• Soldiers die in war.
It is that simple. When you enlist in the Armed Services, there is a probability that you will have to fight in combat and one result of fighting in combat is death. These statements are not to belittle what they do (more on that later) but to give people, especially protesters the sobering truth. People are going to die, whether it is from a disease or on the battlefield. To say that we should send them home because soldiers are dying defeats the purpose of the military. First and foremost the military’s job is to protect the citizens of where they originally reside. They have been sent there to “protect” America from terrorism. Guess what? THAT IS THEIR JOB. They knew what they were getting into from the get go, all you are doing is making their job more difficult. Now I personally believe that Lil’ Bush was playing Risk with our troops and forgot that no one holds Asia for a whole game but that is beyond the point. They have been sent there to do a job by their bosses and that is that. Looking at it that logically, it all makes sense and the emotional aspect is pushed to the side. Oh, and yes I DO have friends over in Iraq and all the men in my family (aside from myself and my gay uncle) have served in the military in some way shape or form. Albeit in the Air Force and Navy but still. So I am not heartless, I am just saying the facts.
Speaking of facts…let’s be brutally honest here. War is hell anyway, sending people into battle with no sense is just a recipe for trouble. We all know that the Army is lowering standards to hit recruiting quotas. When you lower the standards or your workers, you lower the quality of their output. That is a proven fact. So when you are sending people who barely got through high school into battle with only playing Halo and Call of Duty 3 on the Xbox 360 as their war experience (Although they totally pwned their bro at the last kegger) you kind of end up with the results we have where troops are ill prepared for the rigors of war and the heated intensity of battle. I live in a pretty heavy military area and a great majority of the soldiers returning from Iraq are gang members looking for a way out or farm boys from Nebraska who just want to shoot "sand monkeys” (Zach’s words…not mine. Okay, I fully agree with that statement). Gone are the times when celebrities and athletes were pulled away from their jobs to go to war. Gone are the days when the best students went to the service academies. Now they go to Pepperdine, or to a lesser extent Yuckla (That’s UCLA…jackass). In the famous words of The New Radicals, you get what you give:
Still love that song. In the end, I cannot knock what they do because I sure as hell aint going to war for no one. I support this country by paying my taxes and funneling money back into the economy via student loans and credit cards. I KEEP AMERICA RUNNING!
In the end, the war is five years in. It is time to not complain about bringing the boys home. It is time to figure out how to not fuck Iraq up even more and get the hell out of dodge without causing a giant nuclear cloud over 60% of the Eurasian continent. I still say we invest in some Gundam’s or EVA’s from Japan. If they had those, I would be the first to sign up! Who is more angst-ridden than me?! You’ve read this thing! I’m one more broken heart away from being Shinji! So protesters need to stop bitching and come up with a real SOLUTION. Don’t look at me; I haven’t been right since the Lunar War.
So that is all for now. I just really hate hippies. I will be back tomorrow most def. Until then, stay up.
Chachi Out.
Monday, March 24, 2008
What's Your Alibi? Cuz You UGLY!! BURN!
Okay, it is once again time to lay down the law to the stupid. Normally I like to let issues of beauty slide because I am attractive by no means and quite simply could not care about society’s general consensus of what beauty is. I likes what I likes and aint a damn thing wrong with that. Now every woman and their mom is bitching about how Sarah Jessica Parker was called the “unsexiest” star by Maxim Magazine. First off, I didn’t know anyone still READ Maxim Magazine. I used to read it when Jessica Alba was on every other cover, but I haven’t read one in YEARS and thought others had followed suit. I guess bros cant spend all their time listening to Jack Johnson and playing Gamecube…in the butt.
Now this is something new that I got from ESPN. Now the show itself got cancelled but I am on the internet so as long as I don’t threaten to kill G.W. or blow up a Federal building I can say whatever the fuck I want to. Unlike ESPN that has to toss in a Stuart Scott catchphrase every thirty fucking seconds. So, I give to you the first (of many because I have some other things I will do this to, hopefully this week) installment of…
Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi's Five Reasons Why!
Today: Five Reasons Why Maxim Was Right/Wrong To Name Sarah Jessica Parker The “Unsexiest Celebrity!”
Reason #1: Maxim Was RIGHT Because…..Turnabout Is Fair Play
Now no one gave a rats ass about Sarah Jessica Parker until she was on a little show called “Sex In The City.” Now if anyone watched that show, you knew what it was all about. It was about the so called “empowerment and vindication of women’s sexual and emotional lives in sitcom form” which sounds like a good idea. Now you all know how I felt about the show (It sucked. Metaphorically and literally on all counts) so I wont use that as part of my argument. However….anyone remember what the majority of the show was about? Objectification! Didn’t matter what the condition, trait or ideal it was focused on and usually trivialized by the cast. These topics and characters were objectified by many traits included (and sure as fuck not limited to):
· Age
· Sexual Prowess (Or lack thereof)
· Endowment (Or again, lack thereof)
· Money (Or…again….lack thereof)
· Beauty (Or….you get the drift)
· Intelligence (Which oddly enough, everyone in New York was successful seeing as how Giuliani shipped all the homeless to FUCKING DENVER. PRRRRRICK!)
Now let’s put this into perspective. The sad fact of life is that “Sex In The City” has a longer lasting social impact than Maxim ever will. The fact I had to make that statement about these to shitty entities makes me want to punch a puppy. The show made a living (and a quite successful one) out of the objectification of men and women alike, usually to the point of reinforcing more pointless and sometimes counter-productive stereotypes. The show used the flaws and insecurities of others to gather ratings and get laughs (Hey, sounds like ME!). Hell, Sarah J. Parker’s character spent half the series objectifying a man only known as “Mr. Big” for like three and a half seasons. Yet, when the shoe is on the other foot and she is objectified for her looks she and the female population want to get all asshurt about the topic. Well, tough shit. Anyone remember a little show called “Square Pegs?”:
The one of the shows’ focal points was how awkward of a person her character was. Yet again, she wants to be but hurt about the objectification (odds are because she is not getting paid for it) now. You know what? Hypocrisy is a hell of a drug. You made a living off of a show that is doing to you now what you did to them for a hell of a profit. Get over it, life goes on.
Reason #2: Maxim Was RIGHT Because….It’s Their OPINION.
You know, I remember a female friend (Oy vey, long story behind THAT) and I a while back having a conversation about religion and she said that she felt that there was only one true savior and one true God (for the avid readers it was the same woman that said that she felt that a President being God fearing makes him a better leader. BULLSHIT!). To which I said “that is utter and complete bullocks” and she replied “Well, that is your opinion.” WELL NO FUCKING SHIT, ASSHAT! As The Rick would say, “Who in the hell else am I going to speak for?” I think lost in this whole shuffle is the fact that we as people are free to have our own beliefs and thoughts. We are also free to say “I think that man/woman is ugly” or make any other observation. God forbid someone should have a different idea of beauty than you. Now they did make their opinions known in a worldwide forum for all to see and discuss. Sounds like a little something I do all the time. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion about something, we are all able to have them and if we are ready to deal with the backlash, let them be known. Whether or not you AGREE with their opinion is up to you to debate but to sit back and say “they shouldn’t say that” is censorship and hypocritical. Like I said with Don Imus, I may not agree with the douchery of his comments but I will fight for his right to say what he believes. Same here. Just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said.
Reason #3: Maxim Was Right Because…..We’re Talking About It.
At the end of the day, Maxim is out to sell magazines. News is out to gather ratings, birds are out to gather bees to have sex with them (STILL not sure how that works) and magazines need buzz and readers. I am willing to GUARANTEE that this issue is doing respectable if not great numbers due to this “controversy.” Just like everyone before them, they are out to garner attention. Just like when they have the Hot 100 (do they still have that?) to get readers to buy it for the non-mingers in skimpy clothing. The fact that CNN has spent just as much time covering this issue as they have the war in Iraq, the Democratic Party nomination and the NCAA Tournament (Davidson is KILLING IT!) is a telling statement that Maxim got what they wanted. God bless the sensitivity of America.
Reason #4: Maxim Was Right Because….You Have Said It Yourself.
You see, once again America’s holier than thou attitude bites itself in the ass. I have heard several times from several different women that I know about how unattractive Sarah Jessica Parker is. I am not throwing anyone under the bus but I will just say it is more than 5 women that I have heard say it. Now….all of a sudden…because a group of faceless men said it….this is the biggest tragedy since they cancelled “Designing Women” (Which I admit, I watched). That is utter and complete bullshit. It is like on The Boondocks where Riley called himself “nigga” all the time but a White teacher says it and all of a sudden it’s time to stand outside the school and yell “robble, robble, robble!”:
Uncle Ruckus….you are a card. The fact is that people have commented several times on TV and in print that she is not attractive and it has never been a problem. For her to say that she hasn’t tried to conform to the ideals of our “forced beauty” is a total lie because she endorses The Gap and has posed for men’s magazines before. Not only that, a big part of her damn show was the fashion so once again she reeks of hypocrisy because she AGAIN conformed to societies view of what is fashionable and successful (Again, how many Black people were on that show? Two? Man, I’ve seen rap videos! Niggas HOLD DOWN New York!) so she has made the attempt to fit the mold. She only breaks it when it is financially convenient. Now rather than trying to fit into the norm (And if The Gap isn’t conformity I don’t know what is because that place OOZES Communism) she claims that she was “offended and wronged” for being different. That is bullshit, she is just like everyone else that longs to be in the spotlight and will use whatever means to get back there since she is waiting for the soon to be horrible movie based on that shitty ass show. I KNOW people have insulted her on numerous occasions (Family Guy, anyone? SHE DOES LOOK LIKE A FUCKING FOOT!) they just never put it in a distributed magazine because they are either spineless or didn’t want the backlash. The fact is that people think that other people aren’t attractive all the time and it is never a big deal. Hell, women make songs about it all the time. Back to an older point, it is about one person’s point of view and the facts are that everyone said so….until she said she was “hurt.” She will be all over every talk show and within the next month she will be on The View or Oprah…or both. If anyone needed to be on that list…its Whoopi Goldberg. Which brings me to my last point.
Reason #5: Maxim Was Right Because….No One Is Really Hurt By This.
Okay, I know a lot of you are fucking retards and don’t know what I mean by this. Let’s look at this from a logical standpoint. Sarah Jessica Parker is a celebrity that I figure has a pretty good living running off the DVD and syndication money of her television work. Oh, and that fat, fat cash from Matthew Broderick’s royalties for “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” which was features maybe the greatest dance sequence of all times:
Shake it up, baby! Anyway, how “hurt” is she? Now I know that people say that you can’t measure or put a price tag on emotion but seriously. How hurt is she? Some random dudes in a magazine said she wasn’t sexy. SO THE FUCK WHAT? I have been told I am unsexy several times and I know that I am not everyone’s cup of tea (or coffee in my case) to I don’t let it get me down. Now I am unsure if this was voted on or if the editors just made their decision and printed it but either way, a bunch of morons decided to make a list of people they thought weren’t attractive. If she is truly butthurt by that she needs to grow the fuck up. A little story. In sixth grade, the girls in our class had “The List” of all of the cutest boys in the sixth grade, straight out of South Park. You know what? I wasn’t even on the list. Was I hurt by it? Initially but in the end I realized that what they thought of me wasn’t the end all be all of the kind of person I am. Now fast forward to now. A woman who has been called “attractive” by OTHER media outlets and in other segments of fashion and beauty magazines is hurt because ONE SHITTY MAGAZINE calls her “ugly?” That's laughable.
Like I stated before, she definitely has offers from competing women’s (and men’s) magazines as well as the support of fragile psyche having women across the globe. Anyone that thinks that she is fighting for your right to be seen as beautiful is a fucking fool. Does Al Sharpton fight for the rights of Black people when he shows up for a Jena 6 rally or an Obama rally? FUCK NO, he is promoting himself and his fat, worthless, loud mouthed and shitty perm-having ass. When Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan had their sex tapes released of them (which Lindsay can neither confirm nor deny which is HILARITY AT ITS BEST) were they fighting for the right for women to be sexually vindicated like I heard women say? FUCK NO, they were caught being whores by douchebag boyfriends on low grade film and they were trying to cash in. At the end of the day, Sarah Jessica Parker is NOT HURT BY THIS. If anything, she will become more popular because the only people on this planet easier to influence than bros are women. Two words: Oprah Winfrey. They will feel like she is a freedom fighter when in the end is all she and Maxim are is opportunists to the highest degree. I wouldn’t be shocked if they were in this together to drum up interest in both parties. Hollywood is a business baby.
Now for a bonus!
Reason #6: Maxim Was WRONG Because….It Wasn’t Their Place.
Let’s be honest here. The majority of you out there didn’t even know Maxim still existed. I mean I read them initially because of my love for Jessica Alba but once I realized she couldn’t act (And she had herpes so 50% of what I wanted to do with her would result in an STD for me) the infatuation wore off and then I was actually forced to READ the magazine. Needless to say, I was not impressed by the magazine because it became the “Bible of the Bro” and I had to cancel that subscription. So overall, the magazine has no real redeeming quality or social value. Now I know people will say that more people read Maxim than my blog but more people listened to Hitler than read this blog. Am I saying that Maxim is worse than Hitler? Well…..maybe.
Since when is it the place for a third rate men’s magazine that specializes in giving pictures of half-dressed and horribly airbrushed women and pointlessly bro-tastic articles bordering on the line of complete asshatery to tell us who is attractive or not? They think Fergie is attractive and as far as I am concerned THAT BITCH IS A FUCKING MAN. Maxim isn’t an authority on what is hot or not and for Sarah Jessica Parker (or American women in general for the most part) to get IPS about the situation is pointless and doing exactly what they wanted you to do. Like I said, I will defend their right to print their opinions but if you believe what they say to be factual and in any way should be taken with any kind of merit then you are just as stupid as they are.
Now you know….the rest of the story. That is all for now. I really liked this format for a rant as it gave me a direction rather than the usual rant where I am all over the place and tie it up in the end. I think that makes for a funnier rant but I lose the mouthbreathers and they make up a good chunk of the internet. I will try to be back again at some point this week. Don’t forget to vote in Douchebrawl! We are down to four MAN IS IT GOOD! Until next time, stay up peeps.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Now this is something new that I got from ESPN. Now the show itself got cancelled but I am on the internet so as long as I don’t threaten to kill G.W. or blow up a Federal building I can say whatever the fuck I want to. Unlike ESPN that has to toss in a Stuart Scott catchphrase every thirty fucking seconds. So, I give to you the first (of many because I have some other things I will do this to, hopefully this week) installment of…
Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi's Five Reasons Why!
Today: Five Reasons Why Maxim Was Right/Wrong To Name Sarah Jessica Parker The “Unsexiest Celebrity!”
Reason #1: Maxim Was RIGHT Because…..Turnabout Is Fair Play
Now no one gave a rats ass about Sarah Jessica Parker until she was on a little show called “Sex In The City.” Now if anyone watched that show, you knew what it was all about. It was about the so called “empowerment and vindication of women’s sexual and emotional lives in sitcom form” which sounds like a good idea. Now you all know how I felt about the show (It sucked. Metaphorically and literally on all counts) so I wont use that as part of my argument. However….anyone remember what the majority of the show was about? Objectification! Didn’t matter what the condition, trait or ideal it was focused on and usually trivialized by the cast. These topics and characters were objectified by many traits included (and sure as fuck not limited to):
· Age
· Sexual Prowess (Or lack thereof)
· Endowment (Or again, lack thereof)
· Money (Or…again….lack thereof)
· Beauty (Or….you get the drift)
· Intelligence (Which oddly enough, everyone in New York was successful seeing as how Giuliani shipped all the homeless to FUCKING DENVER. PRRRRRICK!)
Now let’s put this into perspective. The sad fact of life is that “Sex In The City” has a longer lasting social impact than Maxim ever will. The fact I had to make that statement about these to shitty entities makes me want to punch a puppy. The show made a living (and a quite successful one) out of the objectification of men and women alike, usually to the point of reinforcing more pointless and sometimes counter-productive stereotypes. The show used the flaws and insecurities of others to gather ratings and get laughs (Hey, sounds like ME!). Hell, Sarah J. Parker’s character spent half the series objectifying a man only known as “Mr. Big” for like three and a half seasons. Yet, when the shoe is on the other foot and she is objectified for her looks she and the female population want to get all asshurt about the topic. Well, tough shit. Anyone remember a little show called “Square Pegs?”:
The one of the shows’ focal points was how awkward of a person her character was. Yet again, she wants to be but hurt about the objectification (odds are because she is not getting paid for it) now. You know what? Hypocrisy is a hell of a drug. You made a living off of a show that is doing to you now what you did to them for a hell of a profit. Get over it, life goes on.
Reason #2: Maxim Was RIGHT Because….It’s Their OPINION.
You know, I remember a female friend (Oy vey, long story behind THAT) and I a while back having a conversation about religion and she said that she felt that there was only one true savior and one true God (for the avid readers it was the same woman that said that she felt that a President being God fearing makes him a better leader. BULLSHIT!). To which I said “that is utter and complete bullocks” and she replied “Well, that is your opinion.” WELL NO FUCKING SHIT, ASSHAT! As The Rick would say, “Who in the hell else am I going to speak for?” I think lost in this whole shuffle is the fact that we as people are free to have our own beliefs and thoughts. We are also free to say “I think that man/woman is ugly” or make any other observation. God forbid someone should have a different idea of beauty than you. Now they did make their opinions known in a worldwide forum for all to see and discuss. Sounds like a little something I do all the time. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion about something, we are all able to have them and if we are ready to deal with the backlash, let them be known. Whether or not you AGREE with their opinion is up to you to debate but to sit back and say “they shouldn’t say that” is censorship and hypocritical. Like I said with Don Imus, I may not agree with the douchery of his comments but I will fight for his right to say what he believes. Same here. Just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said.
Reason #3: Maxim Was Right Because…..We’re Talking About It.
At the end of the day, Maxim is out to sell magazines. News is out to gather ratings, birds are out to gather bees to have sex with them (STILL not sure how that works) and magazines need buzz and readers. I am willing to GUARANTEE that this issue is doing respectable if not great numbers due to this “controversy.” Just like everyone before them, they are out to garner attention. Just like when they have the Hot 100 (do they still have that?) to get readers to buy it for the non-mingers in skimpy clothing. The fact that CNN has spent just as much time covering this issue as they have the war in Iraq, the Democratic Party nomination and the NCAA Tournament (Davidson is KILLING IT!) is a telling statement that Maxim got what they wanted. God bless the sensitivity of America.
Reason #4: Maxim Was Right Because….You Have Said It Yourself.
You see, once again America’s holier than thou attitude bites itself in the ass. I have heard several times from several different women that I know about how unattractive Sarah Jessica Parker is. I am not throwing anyone under the bus but I will just say it is more than 5 women that I have heard say it. Now….all of a sudden…because a group of faceless men said it….this is the biggest tragedy since they cancelled “Designing Women” (Which I admit, I watched). That is utter and complete bullshit. It is like on The Boondocks where Riley called himself “nigga” all the time but a White teacher says it and all of a sudden it’s time to stand outside the school and yell “robble, robble, robble!”:
Uncle Ruckus….you are a card. The fact is that people have commented several times on TV and in print that she is not attractive and it has never been a problem. For her to say that she hasn’t tried to conform to the ideals of our “forced beauty” is a total lie because she endorses The Gap and has posed for men’s magazines before. Not only that, a big part of her damn show was the fashion so once again she reeks of hypocrisy because she AGAIN conformed to societies view of what is fashionable and successful (Again, how many Black people were on that show? Two? Man, I’ve seen rap videos! Niggas HOLD DOWN New York!) so she has made the attempt to fit the mold. She only breaks it when it is financially convenient. Now rather than trying to fit into the norm (And if The Gap isn’t conformity I don’t know what is because that place OOZES Communism) she claims that she was “offended and wronged” for being different. That is bullshit, she is just like everyone else that longs to be in the spotlight and will use whatever means to get back there since she is waiting for the soon to be horrible movie based on that shitty ass show. I KNOW people have insulted her on numerous occasions (Family Guy, anyone? SHE DOES LOOK LIKE A FUCKING FOOT!) they just never put it in a distributed magazine because they are either spineless or didn’t want the backlash. The fact is that people think that other people aren’t attractive all the time and it is never a big deal. Hell, women make songs about it all the time. Back to an older point, it is about one person’s point of view and the facts are that everyone said so….until she said she was “hurt.” She will be all over every talk show and within the next month she will be on The View or Oprah…or both. If anyone needed to be on that list…its Whoopi Goldberg. Which brings me to my last point.
Reason #5: Maxim Was Right Because….No One Is Really Hurt By This.
Okay, I know a lot of you are fucking retards and don’t know what I mean by this. Let’s look at this from a logical standpoint. Sarah Jessica Parker is a celebrity that I figure has a pretty good living running off the DVD and syndication money of her television work. Oh, and that fat, fat cash from Matthew Broderick’s royalties for “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” which was features maybe the greatest dance sequence of all times:
Shake it up, baby! Anyway, how “hurt” is she? Now I know that people say that you can’t measure or put a price tag on emotion but seriously. How hurt is she? Some random dudes in a magazine said she wasn’t sexy. SO THE FUCK WHAT? I have been told I am unsexy several times and I know that I am not everyone’s cup of tea (or coffee in my case) to I don’t let it get me down. Now I am unsure if this was voted on or if the editors just made their decision and printed it but either way, a bunch of morons decided to make a list of people they thought weren’t attractive. If she is truly butthurt by that she needs to grow the fuck up. A little story. In sixth grade, the girls in our class had “The List” of all of the cutest boys in the sixth grade, straight out of South Park. You know what? I wasn’t even on the list. Was I hurt by it? Initially but in the end I realized that what they thought of me wasn’t the end all be all of the kind of person I am. Now fast forward to now. A woman who has been called “attractive” by OTHER media outlets and in other segments of fashion and beauty magazines is hurt because ONE SHITTY MAGAZINE calls her “ugly?” That's laughable.
Like I stated before, she definitely has offers from competing women’s (and men’s) magazines as well as the support of fragile psyche having women across the globe. Anyone that thinks that she is fighting for your right to be seen as beautiful is a fucking fool. Does Al Sharpton fight for the rights of Black people when he shows up for a Jena 6 rally or an Obama rally? FUCK NO, he is promoting himself and his fat, worthless, loud mouthed and shitty perm-having ass. When Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan had their sex tapes released of them (which Lindsay can neither confirm nor deny which is HILARITY AT ITS BEST) were they fighting for the right for women to be sexually vindicated like I heard women say? FUCK NO, they were caught being whores by douchebag boyfriends on low grade film and they were trying to cash in. At the end of the day, Sarah Jessica Parker is NOT HURT BY THIS. If anything, she will become more popular because the only people on this planet easier to influence than bros are women. Two words: Oprah Winfrey. They will feel like she is a freedom fighter when in the end is all she and Maxim are is opportunists to the highest degree. I wouldn’t be shocked if they were in this together to drum up interest in both parties. Hollywood is a business baby.
Now for a bonus!
Reason #6: Maxim Was WRONG Because….It Wasn’t Their Place.
Let’s be honest here. The majority of you out there didn’t even know Maxim still existed. I mean I read them initially because of my love for Jessica Alba but once I realized she couldn’t act (And she had herpes so 50% of what I wanted to do with her would result in an STD for me) the infatuation wore off and then I was actually forced to READ the magazine. Needless to say, I was not impressed by the magazine because it became the “Bible of the Bro” and I had to cancel that subscription. So overall, the magazine has no real redeeming quality or social value. Now I know people will say that more people read Maxim than my blog but more people listened to Hitler than read this blog. Am I saying that Maxim is worse than Hitler? Well…..maybe.
Since when is it the place for a third rate men’s magazine that specializes in giving pictures of half-dressed and horribly airbrushed women and pointlessly bro-tastic articles bordering on the line of complete asshatery to tell us who is attractive or not? They think Fergie is attractive and as far as I am concerned THAT BITCH IS A FUCKING MAN. Maxim isn’t an authority on what is hot or not and for Sarah Jessica Parker (or American women in general for the most part) to get IPS about the situation is pointless and doing exactly what they wanted you to do. Like I said, I will defend their right to print their opinions but if you believe what they say to be factual and in any way should be taken with any kind of merit then you are just as stupid as they are.
Now you know….the rest of the story. That is all for now. I really liked this format for a rant as it gave me a direction rather than the usual rant where I am all over the place and tie it up in the end. I think that makes for a funnier rant but I lose the mouthbreathers and they make up a good chunk of the internet. I will try to be back again at some point this week. Don’t forget to vote in Douchebrawl! We are down to four MAN IS IT GOOD! Until next time, stay up peeps.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Four For Fighting
What is up, peeps? I am back and I am proud to say that the Regional Finals of Douchebrawl 2008 are complete! We are down to four….and let’s see who they are!
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Final
(1) Tom Cruise
Def.
(2) Kim Kardasian
The newcomer could not take down the original champ! Tom Cruise continued his dominance in his return to Douchebrawl as he takes out Kim Kardashian rather easily, quadrupling her votes on his way to the Finals! Could he make it two out of three? Kim put up a fight and worked hard to win but in the end it was all about the Cruise. So who will he take on in the first bracket of the finals? Well, it is a shock but not a shock at the same time…
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Final
(3) Kevin Federline
Def.
(1) Britney Spears
For the third straight year, Britney is thwarted in her attempt to get to the Douchebrawl Finals! This year she is thwarted by her own ex-husband who himself has made Douchebrawl history! This will be the third straight year that K-Fed has made the Final Four but he is currently winless once getting this far. Can he change his luck in 2008? He has a tough road ahead as he has to go through the O.D. (original douche) Tom Cruise! Let’s move on to the other side of the bracket!
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Final
(1) Lindsay Lohan
Def.
(3) Amy Winehouse
This was the tightest battle in Douchebrawl history with the most votes ever and the closest ever margin in a Regional Final! Lindsay Lohan defeated Amy Winehouse by ONE VOTE (Thanks, Beth!) and needless to say I believe that they are both winners here. Amy Winehouse proved that she is just as much of a whore as the best of them while Lindsay looks to be the first ever back-to-back Douchebrawl winner! It was a close battle, but the champ is still here! So who will Lindsay face?
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Final
(1) Bono
Def.
(2) Paris Hilton
FINALLY! Bono has gotten over the hump! After losing in the Regional Finals the last two years he finally makes it to the Douchebrawl Final Four! He had an initial tough battle from Paris Hilton but in the end (Mainly Thurs-Sat) Bono pulled ahead and kept Paris Hilton from the promised land as well! It was a long two years but Bono finally has his chance to battle for the crown that is the Douchebrawl Championship! He will have to take on the defending champ to do so, though!
So we are now down to four. The last four standing participants will be whittled down to two next Sunday as they battle for the Crown Jewel of Douchery. Let’s take a look at the…
DOUCHEBRAWL 2008 FINAL FOUR
In our first match-up we have:
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Champion (1) TOM CRUISE!
VS.
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Champion (3) KEVIN FEDERLINE!
The winner of that battle will face the winner of THIS CLASSIS BATTLE:
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Champion (1) LINDSAY LOHAN!
VS.
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Champion (1) BONO!
This is it, people. The time has come to crown either a new champion or give a long-battling new douche the crown. The polls are open now and it is up to you make the difference! THE POWER IS YOURS!!!
Live, Laugh, Learn & Love.
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Final
(1) Tom Cruise
Def.
(2) Kim Kardasian
The newcomer could not take down the original champ! Tom Cruise continued his dominance in his return to Douchebrawl as he takes out Kim Kardashian rather easily, quadrupling her votes on his way to the Finals! Could he make it two out of three? Kim put up a fight and worked hard to win but in the end it was all about the Cruise. So who will he take on in the first bracket of the finals? Well, it is a shock but not a shock at the same time…
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Final
(3) Kevin Federline
Def.
(1) Britney Spears
For the third straight year, Britney is thwarted in her attempt to get to the Douchebrawl Finals! This year she is thwarted by her own ex-husband who himself has made Douchebrawl history! This will be the third straight year that K-Fed has made the Final Four but he is currently winless once getting this far. Can he change his luck in 2008? He has a tough road ahead as he has to go through the O.D. (original douche) Tom Cruise! Let’s move on to the other side of the bracket!
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Final
(1) Lindsay Lohan
Def.
(3) Amy Winehouse
This was the tightest battle in Douchebrawl history with the most votes ever and the closest ever margin in a Regional Final! Lindsay Lohan defeated Amy Winehouse by ONE VOTE (Thanks, Beth!) and needless to say I believe that they are both winners here. Amy Winehouse proved that she is just as much of a whore as the best of them while Lindsay looks to be the first ever back-to-back Douchebrawl winner! It was a close battle, but the champ is still here! So who will Lindsay face?
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Final
(1) Bono
Def.
(2) Paris Hilton
FINALLY! Bono has gotten over the hump! After losing in the Regional Finals the last two years he finally makes it to the Douchebrawl Final Four! He had an initial tough battle from Paris Hilton but in the end (Mainly Thurs-Sat) Bono pulled ahead and kept Paris Hilton from the promised land as well! It was a long two years but Bono finally has his chance to battle for the crown that is the Douchebrawl Championship! He will have to take on the defending champ to do so, though!
So we are now down to four. The last four standing participants will be whittled down to two next Sunday as they battle for the Crown Jewel of Douchery. Let’s take a look at the…
DOUCHEBRAWL 2008 FINAL FOUR
In our first match-up we have:
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Champion (1) TOM CRUISE!
VS.
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Champion (3) KEVIN FEDERLINE!
The winner of that battle will face the winner of THIS CLASSIS BATTLE:
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Champion (1) LINDSAY LOHAN!
VS.
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Champion (1) BONO!
This is it, people. The time has come to crown either a new champion or give a long-battling new douche the crown. The polls are open now and it is up to you make the difference! THE POWER IS YOURS!!!
Live, Laugh, Learn & Love.
This Took A While. I Hope It Was Worth It.
What’s up, peeps?! I am back for a short bit as there will probably be two posts today as the results of the Regional Finals of Douchebrawl will be up later on this evening. Go and vote now as the Amy Winehouse/Lindsay Lohan matchup is LITERALLY going down to the wire! Also, there looks to be a minor upset to boot…VOTE OR DIE!
So it is time for a new installment of a series I haven’t done in almost a year for you guys. So sit back and relax for a lazy Sunday edition of…
I Learned Something Today!
I Learned Today…That “No” Really DOESN’T MEAN NO. If You Are A Man, Anyway.
This is some shit that women need to get through their fucking skull tut suite. Just because you put the welcome mat out there, doesn’t mean someone is going to come a knocking. I am so sick of the notion that just because a woman offers it that it is supposed to be taken. Guess what? The only things that come out of a vagina that are of any relevance are children and blood. And a woman bleeding from the yak isn’t anything special and babies are soulless shits so the pussy has very little monetary or social value to me. So if I say “no thank you” to what you have to offer….that should be it. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not Zac McCounetimberlakeefronhoward and I am willing to admit that I leave a lot to be desired on the personality side. To which I am a total jerk who does not DESERVE love but at least I KNOW AND ADMIT MY FAULTS which is more than I can say for every woman in the history of time and all the women I know sans three….and one isn’t even legal yet which means that she knows more in FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL than almost all the adult females I know with an extra decade to fuck up their lives and even learn from it WHICH THEY HAVEN’T! It’s why we homies. At the end of the day, to offer sex is not a way to show affection. ESPECIALLY if they don’t want it. Maybe try not being a fucktard…just a fucking thought.
Now you can go back into the annals of this blog (2006 mostly) and see my thoughts on women and their emotional link to sex and men and their lack of attachment to anything emotional for the most part sans a small minority of either gay or wish they were gay men. There is nothing wrong with flirting. When you involve alcohol I honestly think it goes back to the whole zebra analogy but hey, I’m supposedly anti-social and out of touch with my feelings so what do I know. Except everyfuckingthing. So let’s put flirting in one category. Now let’s but sexual provocation in another. Now I am sure some of the slower ilk are saying “what is sexual provocation and do I have it if I use a condom?” The answer is no and I believe that you should be shot in the face or stabbed in the chest with stingrays so your dumb ass can never breed….EVER. Sexual provocation is kind of like bullfighting. No one goes into bullfighting expecting to get gored even though they stab and agitate the hell out of that thing for an extended period of time. But that shit can (see: WILL) happen. Now a dumb person will say (especially if you have read my blog over the last few years) that I am about to hop on the logic train of that if you provoke someone sexually for too long that you are bound to have to “stand and deliver” which in layman’s terms is rape, a word I believe is tossed around way too freely (And you can call me Dan Marino because I toss it around for fun like I had Clayton and Duper on the outside. ZING!). Well if you believe that you are only half right. Like I have said before, no means no. If either party, female OR MALE (I cannot stress this enough) says no to any sexual advance no matter how much they provoked the advances from the second party should stop. IT PAINS ME to have to make that statement because I am a strong believer common sense and sexually provoking random people under the influence (of alcohol or just being a DAMN DUMBASS) is kind of….ignorant. However, I have been there, made my mistakes and paid my dues for being a dumbass so I can relate and fully understand that being a dumbass is a rite of passage sometimes for knowing what you SHOULDN’T DO. For instance cavorting like the Greeks of old…you know the ones I’m talking about. Let me reiterate. NO MEANS NO.
On the flip side of that, what makes you cavort like the Greeks of old any-damn-way? The Greeks of old no longer exist now. Why? BECAUSE THEY WERE FUCKING ASSHATS! Their asshatery and perversity knew no bounds and they were either killed off by eachother or the SyphillAIDS. Also, rape in ancient Greece was as commonplace as rapes on the Air Force Academy by cadets and you know how plentiful THAT is. At the end of the day, rape isn’t an act of sex. It is an act of power. That is why on the conceptual power scale, it is “impossible” for a woman to rape a man much as it is “impossible” for reverse racism because the power structure couldn’t allow for that. THAT IS TOTAL BULLSHIT. A man can (And in my case HAS) said no and nine times out of ten, the other party wigged the hell out about it. Why? Because you have usurped what little power they had in the situation. The one thing a woman has power over is her body and feminine wiles. And if that doesn’t work in achieving what they want, like the guy in Street Fighter II that only knows how to throw fireballs and Dragon Punch you have taken away their bread and butter attack. And much like the soon to be defeated gamer, saying no and removing the power from the female party results in:
• Yelling and/or crying: Usually “and” because that is almost like the “Desparation Attack” of women and it usually works. Not on me anymore because I cry myself to sleep of loneliness every night as I write on the tear stained pages of “Dear Diary”
• Violence: Now this is rare, but I have heard of this happening. Usually a slap followed by “Who do you think you are to turn ME down?!” Talk about ego….
• 20 Questions: I didn’t like the 50 Cent song and I sure as hell don’t need it after an awkward moment of spurning someone’s advances. This usually results in me answering questions in a way that is irrelevant to the situation. “Bitch, I TOLD YOU I LIKE HYDROX, NOT OREOS!”
• Silence: This used to creep me out but I sleep in a sensory deprivation tank like Daredevil so silence is my friend. Hell, my bankai Enma Kooragi:
It blocks out all the bitching that is about to come my way. BURN!!
At the end of the day, no means no and it doesn’t matter who is saying it. Just because you offer it doesn’t mean it has to be taken. Hell, if I got all asshurt about every woman that told me “no” I would be bleeding from my ass like the Virgin Mary. But I don’t so I’m not. It would be a killer dry cleaning bill. Oh, and ladies when someone in one of the few occurances says no, may be its not you. Maybe you just need the Clitter:
Turn your labia into a “Yay”-bia! Yep….I’d hit that.
I Learned Today….That Asians Are Evil, SOULLESS Beings. That Make Some Good Ass Movies Sometimes.
Many of you that have know me for years are well aware of my love/hate relationship with Japan and Korea. Ever since I was a young boy in Italy and got the subbed (FUCK YES! Dubs lick taint!) versions of “Fist of the North Star” and “Gundam” I have been a fan of anime and the music to boot. Then I got into movies once I found out about the interweb and it has been love ever since. As for Korea, aside from a certain girl in college who introduced me to a little someone named BoA I have been down with the K-pop ever since. She also introduced me to K-Dramas (the best of ALL the dramas) and I pretty much download and watch them more than I watch American movies now not starring Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. But it has been a rocky relationship with Japan and Korea (Especially Korea. WHAT IS WITH THE POOP?! SERIOUSLY?!) but much like my relationship with women in general, no matter how bad they treat me, I usually end up coming back after they say they are sorry and they can change. Look at this timeline:
Japanese Pros: Sowelu
Now that is good stuff right there. I remember seeing this video and saying to myself “I don’t even want to put her in the box!” Which is novel because that’s usually the first place my mind goes. And I know she is half-Korean but that’s cool and even makes it better. Like the Japanese Mandy Moore.
Japanese Cons: Panties in vending machines
Okay…now I always thought this was a fucking joke. It is so not. My god….WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! I mean you people are disgusting! And this is coming from someone that watches porn EVERYDAY! Used schoolgirl’s panties in vending machines crosses a line that even I do not cross, and I am batshit crazy!
Korean Pros: Sex Is Zero
One of the few movies that I can watch repeatedly not called “Pootie Tang” or “Big Trouble In Little China” and never EVER get bored. This movie had it all from comedy to plot/character development to drama to Ji-won Ha getting naked (FUCK YES! MY GOD, FUCK YES!). If you get past some nudity and rather soft core sex scenes (As well as a butt sex joke that….let’s just say I know very well) you have a good movie. It is raunchy and crude at some points but nothing that you haven’t seen in “American Pie” and all those movies sucked ass. Fuck you, white people. Not only that, the last 45 minutes are a testament in how you place tragedy into a movie. I will admit; this is one of the four movies for I have cried for a scene. Especially near the end with the confrontation. Great stuff and well worth the watch.
Korean Cons: Kimchi
Ugh. I have had it and it is fucking nasty as all hell. I don’t eat collard greens or chitterlings so don’t even DARE compare it to that. It is nasty and scary and should be banned from consumption. That is all.
Japanese Pros: Silent Library
Greatest show on TV ever. I swear this is the funniest shit I have ever seen sometimes. Others are jacked up but I remember when the Hoag showed me this and I laughed until I stopped. I know it is low brow but with shows like “Punk’d” allowed to be made I am unsure why this isn’t on the air here, at least on G4. I would watch the shit out of this show.
Japanese Cons: Diary of Beloved Wife
DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. My god….this movie was fuck up past Pluto. The beginning wasn’t BAD because those of us who have been there have felt the way he had but man…when she got home it just goes downhill. Sixty seven minutes of my life I will not get back and I am needless to say pissed off. NOT FOR KIDS and not for those that aren’t knowledgeable about the dynamic of some Japanese relationships. Oy vey…
Korean Pros: Cake Dance 2 (Happy Birthday To Me)
Now if you knew how many times I have seen this and how pissed off I am that “Doki & Nabi” is over TWO YEARS LATE then you understand my love of this song. First off, if you haven’t seen the first “Cat & Bunny” flashtoon then go ahead and look for it because it was cool too. This cartoon promotes the interspecies erotica which I am not FOR but at the same time it makes for a kickass love story. Americans don’t make them like this.
Korean Cons: The Pooping
You know what I mean. Don’t act like you don’t. That is all I am going to say about the situation. You nasty….nasty motherfuckers.
Japanese & Korean Pros: Yuna Ito
She makes up for the pooping, the panties, the kimchi and the horrible movies. If you don’t know her work then you are missing out on some good stuff. Especially “Tender Is The Night.”
Japanese Pros: YATTA!!!!
Now THAT is homoerotic.
Japanese Pros: Bukkake Udon
Your innuendo is priceless, Err.
Korean Cons: No new Bi (Rain) Album
WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?! Se7en is coming out this summer with an album and he is even going to be hyped by BET to boot. Now it is best you stay away from BET and its revolutionary descent to suckery but come on! I need me some Bi!
Korean Pros: Bae Seul Gi
Damn….just damn.
And that’s about enough of that. Oh, “200 Pounds Beauty” is getting a sequel. I wonder how they are going to pull THAT off but I am all about some more of Kim Ah-jong.
Well, that is all for now. Griff is back in town so I am about to roll out for a bit but I will be back later on tonight to let you know the winners of the Douchebrawl Regional Finals and let you know who made the Final Four! Until then, stay up peeps!
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
So it is time for a new installment of a series I haven’t done in almost a year for you guys. So sit back and relax for a lazy Sunday edition of…
I Learned Something Today!
And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!
I Learned Today…That “No” Really DOESN’T MEAN NO. If You Are A Man, Anyway.
This is some shit that women need to get through their fucking skull tut suite. Just because you put the welcome mat out there, doesn’t mean someone is going to come a knocking. I am so sick of the notion that just because a woman offers it that it is supposed to be taken. Guess what? The only things that come out of a vagina that are of any relevance are children and blood. And a woman bleeding from the yak isn’t anything special and babies are soulless shits so the pussy has very little monetary or social value to me. So if I say “no thank you” to what you have to offer….that should be it. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not Zac McCounetimberlakeefronhoward and I am willing to admit that I leave a lot to be desired on the personality side. To which I am a total jerk who does not DESERVE love but at least I KNOW AND ADMIT MY FAULTS which is more than I can say for every woman in the history of time and all the women I know sans three….and one isn’t even legal yet which means that she knows more in FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL than almost all the adult females I know with an extra decade to fuck up their lives and even learn from it WHICH THEY HAVEN’T! It’s why we homies. At the end of the day, to offer sex is not a way to show affection. ESPECIALLY if they don’t want it. Maybe try not being a fucktard…just a fucking thought.
Now you can go back into the annals of this blog (2006 mostly) and see my thoughts on women and their emotional link to sex and men and their lack of attachment to anything emotional for the most part sans a small minority of either gay or wish they were gay men. There is nothing wrong with flirting. When you involve alcohol I honestly think it goes back to the whole zebra analogy but hey, I’m supposedly anti-social and out of touch with my feelings so what do I know. Except everyfuckingthing. So let’s put flirting in one category. Now let’s but sexual provocation in another. Now I am sure some of the slower ilk are saying “what is sexual provocation and do I have it if I use a condom?” The answer is no and I believe that you should be shot in the face or stabbed in the chest with stingrays so your dumb ass can never breed….EVER. Sexual provocation is kind of like bullfighting. No one goes into bullfighting expecting to get gored even though they stab and agitate the hell out of that thing for an extended period of time. But that shit can (see: WILL) happen. Now a dumb person will say (especially if you have read my blog over the last few years) that I am about to hop on the logic train of that if you provoke someone sexually for too long that you are bound to have to “stand and deliver” which in layman’s terms is rape, a word I believe is tossed around way too freely (And you can call me Dan Marino because I toss it around for fun like I had Clayton and Duper on the outside. ZING!). Well if you believe that you are only half right. Like I have said before, no means no. If either party, female OR MALE (I cannot stress this enough) says no to any sexual advance no matter how much they provoked the advances from the second party should stop. IT PAINS ME to have to make that statement because I am a strong believer common sense and sexually provoking random people under the influence (of alcohol or just being a DAMN DUMBASS) is kind of….ignorant. However, I have been there, made my mistakes and paid my dues for being a dumbass so I can relate and fully understand that being a dumbass is a rite of passage sometimes for knowing what you SHOULDN’T DO. For instance cavorting like the Greeks of old…you know the ones I’m talking about. Let me reiterate. NO MEANS NO.
On the flip side of that, what makes you cavort like the Greeks of old any-damn-way? The Greeks of old no longer exist now. Why? BECAUSE THEY WERE FUCKING ASSHATS! Their asshatery and perversity knew no bounds and they were either killed off by eachother or the SyphillAIDS. Also, rape in ancient Greece was as commonplace as rapes on the Air Force Academy by cadets and you know how plentiful THAT is. At the end of the day, rape isn’t an act of sex. It is an act of power. That is why on the conceptual power scale, it is “impossible” for a woman to rape a man much as it is “impossible” for reverse racism because the power structure couldn’t allow for that. THAT IS TOTAL BULLSHIT. A man can (And in my case HAS) said no and nine times out of ten, the other party wigged the hell out about it. Why? Because you have usurped what little power they had in the situation. The one thing a woman has power over is her body and feminine wiles. And if that doesn’t work in achieving what they want, like the guy in Street Fighter II that only knows how to throw fireballs and Dragon Punch you have taken away their bread and butter attack. And much like the soon to be defeated gamer, saying no and removing the power from the female party results in:
• Yelling and/or crying: Usually “and” because that is almost like the “Desparation Attack” of women and it usually works. Not on me anymore because I cry myself to sleep of loneliness every night as I write on the tear stained pages of “Dear Diary”
• Violence: Now this is rare, but I have heard of this happening. Usually a slap followed by “Who do you think you are to turn ME down?!” Talk about ego….
• 20 Questions: I didn’t like the 50 Cent song and I sure as hell don’t need it after an awkward moment of spurning someone’s advances. This usually results in me answering questions in a way that is irrelevant to the situation. “Bitch, I TOLD YOU I LIKE HYDROX, NOT OREOS!”
• Silence: This used to creep me out but I sleep in a sensory deprivation tank like Daredevil so silence is my friend. Hell, my bankai Enma Kooragi:
It blocks out all the bitching that is about to come my way. BURN!!
At the end of the day, no means no and it doesn’t matter who is saying it. Just because you offer it doesn’t mean it has to be taken. Hell, if I got all asshurt about every woman that told me “no” I would be bleeding from my ass like the Virgin Mary. But I don’t so I’m not. It would be a killer dry cleaning bill. Oh, and ladies when someone in one of the few occurances says no, may be its not you. Maybe you just need the Clitter:
Turn your labia into a “Yay”-bia! Yep….I’d hit that.
I Learned Today….That Asians Are Evil, SOULLESS Beings. That Make Some Good Ass Movies Sometimes.
Many of you that have know me for years are well aware of my love/hate relationship with Japan and Korea. Ever since I was a young boy in Italy and got the subbed (FUCK YES! Dubs lick taint!) versions of “Fist of the North Star” and “Gundam” I have been a fan of anime and the music to boot. Then I got into movies once I found out about the interweb and it has been love ever since. As for Korea, aside from a certain girl in college who introduced me to a little someone named BoA I have been down with the K-pop ever since. She also introduced me to K-Dramas (the best of ALL the dramas) and I pretty much download and watch them more than I watch American movies now not starring Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. But it has been a rocky relationship with Japan and Korea (Especially Korea. WHAT IS WITH THE POOP?! SERIOUSLY?!) but much like my relationship with women in general, no matter how bad they treat me, I usually end up coming back after they say they are sorry and they can change. Look at this timeline:
Japanese Pros: Sowelu
Now that is good stuff right there. I remember seeing this video and saying to myself “I don’t even want to put her in the box!” Which is novel because that’s usually the first place my mind goes. And I know she is half-Korean but that’s cool and even makes it better. Like the Japanese Mandy Moore.
Japanese Cons: Panties in vending machines
Okay…now I always thought this was a fucking joke. It is so not. My god….WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! I mean you people are disgusting! And this is coming from someone that watches porn EVERYDAY! Used schoolgirl’s panties in vending machines crosses a line that even I do not cross, and I am batshit crazy!
Korean Pros: Sex Is Zero
One of the few movies that I can watch repeatedly not called “Pootie Tang” or “Big Trouble In Little China” and never EVER get bored. This movie had it all from comedy to plot/character development to drama to Ji-won Ha getting naked (FUCK YES! MY GOD, FUCK YES!). If you get past some nudity and rather soft core sex scenes (As well as a butt sex joke that….let’s just say I know very well) you have a good movie. It is raunchy and crude at some points but nothing that you haven’t seen in “American Pie” and all those movies sucked ass. Fuck you, white people. Not only that, the last 45 minutes are a testament in how you place tragedy into a movie. I will admit; this is one of the four movies for I have cried for a scene. Especially near the end with the confrontation. Great stuff and well worth the watch.
Korean Cons: Kimchi
Ugh. I have had it and it is fucking nasty as all hell. I don’t eat collard greens or chitterlings so don’t even DARE compare it to that. It is nasty and scary and should be banned from consumption. That is all.
Japanese Pros: Silent Library
Greatest show on TV ever. I swear this is the funniest shit I have ever seen sometimes. Others are jacked up but I remember when the Hoag showed me this and I laughed until I stopped. I know it is low brow but with shows like “Punk’d” allowed to be made I am unsure why this isn’t on the air here, at least on G4. I would watch the shit out of this show.
Japanese Cons: Diary of Beloved Wife
DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. My god….this movie was fuck up past Pluto. The beginning wasn’t BAD because those of us who have been there have felt the way he had but man…when she got home it just goes downhill. Sixty seven minutes of my life I will not get back and I am needless to say pissed off. NOT FOR KIDS and not for those that aren’t knowledgeable about the dynamic of some Japanese relationships. Oy vey…
Korean Pros: Cake Dance 2 (Happy Birthday To Me)
Now if you knew how many times I have seen this and how pissed off I am that “Doki & Nabi” is over TWO YEARS LATE then you understand my love of this song. First off, if you haven’t seen the first “Cat & Bunny” flashtoon then go ahead and look for it because it was cool too. This cartoon promotes the interspecies erotica which I am not FOR but at the same time it makes for a kickass love story. Americans don’t make them like this.
Korean Cons: The Pooping
You know what I mean. Don’t act like you don’t. That is all I am going to say about the situation. You nasty….nasty motherfuckers.
Japanese & Korean Pros: Yuna Ito
She makes up for the pooping, the panties, the kimchi and the horrible movies. If you don’t know her work then you are missing out on some good stuff. Especially “Tender Is The Night.”
Japanese Pros: YATTA!!!!
Now THAT is homoerotic.
Japanese Pros: Bukkake Udon
Your innuendo is priceless, Err.
Korean Cons: No new Bi (Rain) Album
WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?! Se7en is coming out this summer with an album and he is even going to be hyped by BET to boot. Now it is best you stay away from BET and its revolutionary descent to suckery but come on! I need me some Bi!
Korean Pros: Bae Seul Gi
Damn….just damn.
And that’s about enough of that. Oh, “200 Pounds Beauty” is getting a sequel. I wonder how they are going to pull THAT off but I am all about some more of Kim Ah-jong.
Well, that is all for now. Griff is back in town so I am about to roll out for a bit but I will be back later on tonight to let you know the winners of the Douchebrawl Regional Finals and let you know who made the Final Four! Until then, stay up peeps!
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)