So this evening I was hella bored and I saw a link on my Yahoo email account about an article from Cosmo (The end all be all of bullshit that women live by that makes no sense and has no bearing on reality ever. Wait, that would be Oprah) about “7 Bad Girl Bedroom Moves You Must Master.”
O_o
Okay, first off I am a dude. I could care less about this kind of stuff but it is showing up on the side of my email a lot so I am figuring I am totally gay or everyone thinks I am which makes me TOTALLY FUCKING GAY. Being the inquisitive chap I am (Using new vernacular. Working for you? Nothing?) I decided to click on the link and boy…it just got worse from there. Here are some “highlights” of this pinnacle of female sexual journalism:
Dare To….Create An Alter Ego
Okay, I could see how this could be hot….if you are a fucking super-villain. You are a woman which makes you not ABLE to be a super-villain because super-villany is awesome and you are NO Dr. Girlfriend. Or Miss Monarch, it all depends. Now as one who has been avoiding and been avoided by “teh sex” for several years now I really don’t get any of this bullshit about role playing unless it involves school girl and senpai. Or anything and senpai because I just want to be called that because that shit is HOT. If you need to create an alter ego to be a whore then you are faking the funk. Real whores are whore twenty-four seven and we appreciate them for it!
Dare To….Pump Up The Dirty Dialoge
Okay, this is one that I get but I don’t LIKE. It is kind of like Guy Ritchie movies. The concept of talking dirty SOUNDS like a good idea but if you are talking…then I am obviously putting work in the wrong hole if you get my drift. If women have nothing of value to say when sex ISN’T being had, what makes them think I care about what they have to say in the act of coitus? EPIC-ZING! I kid, I kid. In all seriousness, talking dirty does nothing because the more you talk, the less you are sucking. Which I hear dudes enjoy over hearing about anything you have to say. Ever. Not that I would know, the female gender is a being that is foreign, godless and scary to me. Like Turks with boobies.
Dare To…..Put On The Porn
Fuck you, bitch. Unless you are going to DO the horrible, horrible things that Sasha Grey, Belladonna and Ashley Blue do for my uni-lateral carnal gratification then I have no need to watch porn with you. It isn’t like we are watching “27 Dresses” here. The kind of porn I want to watch isn’t going to be what SHE wants to watch and as we all know, the numbers of women that know about good porn (That aren’t actually performing in them and may god bless them because they do just as much for our freedom as anyone else in this country) run in about the 15% range IF THAT. You see, also there is something to be said for the fact that women don’t really know what men find sexually attractive. Sexually AROUSING is simple because men get hard-ons at the sight of just about anything resembling boobs or the random touch in a bar or subway. There is a reason why fashion designers, porn directors and music video casting agents are all male: they know what men want. Men don’t want to see women kissing each other (Well….smart men don’t) because that is a waste of time. Men want to see chicks kissing THEM. So what women assume men like ends up being de facto true because most men are simple and are aroused by pretty much anything. The last thing I need is to be stuck watching porn with a girlfriend and she gets all freaked out because she finds “Behind The Green Door” arousing cinematic erotica while I want to watch “Big Wet Asses 11”:
Julia Bond, Cody Lane AND Sativa Rose? Now that is porn at its FINEST! Yet I know for a FACT that women freak out about that kind of porn because I have seen it firsthand. Buy me a drink and I will tell you the story; funny shit especially because she was Mormon. Anyway, I don’t believe in this but if there IS a lady that is down to watch “Ass Worship 9” or “Invasian 2” holla at yo boy. I gots them both on the A-V-I.
Article #2: Do Guys Find You Intriguing?
Well, let’s look at this honestly. All men find all women intriguing. Just for different reasons. Men and their interest in women break down like this:
75% of men find what is in between your legs intriguing, and it could be anyone….not just you.
10% of men PRETEND to find you intriguing because they want what is between your legs but don’t want to be an uber-tool about it.
10% of men are gay and couldn’t give a fuck about you. Gay dudes rule, the Romans knew it, the Greeks knew it, Tom Cruise knows it and now you do. They are festive!
5% of men are dumbfounded by your stupidity and disgusted by your lack of common sense and self respect….but you are the only viable option aside from other dudes (The world frowns on collie/man relationships)
The numbers could be off….but they are not. The Chachi has spoken!
Article #3: How To Tell If A Guy Is Cheating
So I remember once that Zach was telling me about a conversation he had in class (Odds are women’s studies) and a student said that females cheating in a relationship is justified because the odds are that a man will do it anyway. It was mind-blowing because two years earlier I heard that SAME FUCKING ARGUMENT in college and I wondered if women were really that lacking in common sense? Well, the past years have proven that answer to be yes because I have had to deal with no less than five female friends deciding that cheating was a viable option for THEM because they were hurt or unfulfilled or just plain whores (I believe all three but I am just a man…A man of awesomeness!) but if her significant other did it to them then he was the biggest cad since John Edwards. Now basic logic should state that if you feel the need to cheat then you shouldn’t be exclusively with someone in the first fucking place. End of story. If you can’t trust your partner and have to look for signs of their infidelity then the same goes for you, fucky. As I read this article, everything seemed like such a reach that it was like women intentionally look for signs that their boyfriend is cheating so they can justify cheating themselves. I mean honestly:
Grooming: Um…..I try to stay as manicured and fresh dressed as possible. As a big dude it isn’t easy but I make do with what I got. Now as for the trimming of the pubes….who the fuck doesn’t? No one wants to look like they have New Zealand in their fucking pants. Maybe women should follow that rule too….just a thought.
Super-protective of their Gadgets: Understand this right now. I don’t mind people on my computer and I didn’t mind my ex on my computer until everything became a signal for me being the uber-cheat. A paper with my and a females name on it? I’m fucking her. A song that doesn’t fit with the rest of them? I’m fucking her. A name on my ICQ (Old school!) that looked female? I am SO fucking her. It got fucking annoying. Don’t even get me started on my cell phone. Just because YOUR name is Sarah and I have four Sarah’s in my phone doesn’t mean I am fucking them. It means I know more people than just you. Being secretive with your stuff sometimes is just flat out easier than dealing with the nonsense that comes with unmitigated jealousy from the other party. Oh, and never have her friends number in your cell phone because that shit just ends up bad, even if you did know her first. Just don’t or learn to deliver a pride-obliterating bitch slap to shut her up.
Nothing Fazes Him Anymore: Okay….someone read this and tell me if this makes sense?
“If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added sex and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy,” Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships: “If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.”
So let me get this straight, if your boyfriend is happy….he must be cheating on you? That makes….perfect fucking sense IF YOU ARE A GOD DAMNED FUCKTARD! Understand, about 75% of men are simple creatures. A man will be happy because Adrian Peterson got him 22 points in his Fantasy Football League. So to automatically assume that because your man is whistling “Moving Right Along”:
Makes you a dumbass. When I read that statement, this is what it translated into:
“How DARE you be happy and it not have to do with me?! Nigga, who is you fuckin?!”
That sums it up; women believe a man’s happiness is based off of her and her happiness is based on him being happy to be with her. That was fucking deep, son!
He Becomes Suspicious of You: Double edged sword. As a man I have been on both sides. When I WASN’T suspicious she was pissed because she thought I didn’t care and I had found someone else because she said she wanted to be with her friends more and I didn’t fight it (You are an adult, act like one). Then I was smothering because of previous events (Drink = story. You know my fee) I was very concerned about where she was going and who she was going with and she thought I was being paranoid and didn’t trust her. Well, I DIDN’T trust her and she gave me good reason but that is beyond the point. The point is that suspicion is normal because at the end of the day we all loved Magnum PI and Miami Vice (To a lesser extent, Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego?) and want to find out a crime or in this case infidelity. However, to say that because he is suspicious of you means he is cheating is grounded in irrational thinking. Which is pretty much where women stick their flag like Europe did to the majority of the Western fucking Hemisphere but thems the breaks. I understand the concept but in the end the logic is flawed because to think that means that you are either a) looking for an excuse to think he is cheating or b) you are guilty yourself. The Chachi has spoken!
Man that was rather hilarious. Like I always say, Cosmo is to me what Fox News and MSNBS are to a near-center Liberal: constant comedy and a source of never-ending confusion and disappointment in your fellow human being. I will be back on Friday for the Countdown and may be back up this weekend before the Venture Brothers season finale. Until then, stay up peeps!
Chachi Out!
