Hey, ya’ll! It is a cold fucking wintery day in Colorado which means my black ass aint going nowhere. I am going to get some tea, watch the Falcons play the Chargers and keep warm in enjoyment of having Monday off. Also, I will be getting my Blackberry Storm on Monday which means I FINALLY GET RID OF THIS SHITBALL PHONE and odds are…get stuck with another shitball phone. Hopefully the Storm will do me right like my T720 did. That thing fell off the balcony at the UCCS dorms and STILL worked. I looked at the eNV wrong and the cockmonger wouldn’t charge. I don’t want to be all “back in my day” but back in my day, SHIT FUCKING WORKED! My Nintendo never had the red ring of death! The red ring of death was something you created to try and destroy that invincible motherfucker after it would lock up on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles against Shredder! Remember the old X-Box? That was the last real tough system. Screw giving the troops armor and weapons, give them all the original X-Box units Microsoft didn’t sell! And use those fucking controllers as bombs! Hiroshima and Nagasaki aint got SHIT on the damage an Xbox controller would do to Afghanistan! Wipe out Osama Bin Laden AND play Ninja Gaiden? That’s what I am talking about! Although finding Bin Laden is a hell of a lot easier than beating Ninja Gaiden for the Xbox. I’m just saying.
So Thanksgiving has come and gone which means it is about the time for the biggest holiday in this country not involving fireworks or drunken Jewish sex. Yom Kippur is some CRAZY times. I kid, I kid. I meant drunken IRISH sex. Either way, Christmastime is here! Time to celebrate the day where Santa saved us from the tyranny of the Cinco Easter Bunnies and their Zombie Leprechaun minions! Or something like that, I kind of zoned in and out when that drunken guy on the 16th Street Mall told me the story. He was wise beyond his drunken, homeless years. With Christmas here, that means that there are five things that will come with the holiday season that I hate:
1. Jesus: I have said it once and I will say it again. All signs point to Jesus not being born in December. Well, I guess seeing as how Jesus Christ is an amalgam of a bunch of other dudes which would make him a FICTIONAL CHARACTER…his birthday can be whenever he wants it to be. He better change that shit, preferably to around Easter or maybe Cinco De Mayo. Mexicans are Catholics and it gives them more reason to drink Coronas and listen to “El Tigre De Norte” on their front lawns. Like they need a reason. Racism, peeps. It’s hilarious!
2. Christmas Carols: Well, the ones about Santa are OKAY but I could do without “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” at all. It means either mommy is a whore or daddy likes to role play which is one step away from being a furfag and YIFFING HAS NO PLACE IN THE HOLIDAY SEASON. I swear, if people dress like fucking reindeers and “jingle the bells” I will fucking KILL YOU. Anyway, Christmas songs about Jebus are LAME. The only good Christmas carol is “Last Christmas” by Wham. Because last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day…you gave it away:
3. A Charlie Brown Christmas: Okay, I know I should not hate this seeing as how all the other Peanuts Gang specials I totally love. Even their little remembered “I Had To Have An Abortion, Charlie Brown!” and “You Have A Restraining Order Against You, Charlie Brown!” which were like afterschool specials meet George Gershwin. I know a lot of you don’t get that joke and quite honestly…neither do I. Gotta know your audience. However, I haven’t liked the Charlie Brown Christmas special since I saw this:
I mean, how can you top Franklin and Sally cutting it loose to Andre 3000?! You can’t! This video has officially ruined me from Christmas specials! As a matter of fact, I haven’t really been a fan of any Christmas Specials except of course The Fresh Prince of Bel Air Christmas Special. It had Young MC on it!
4. Candy Canes: Is it just me, or are candy canes just oversized and overpriced starlight mints? I mean they taste good in hot cocoa but aside from that they are worthless. They are nasty as hell and are always given out for free for a reason: they suck.
5. Parking: I hate the fact that during the holidays I can’t ever go anywhere and find a place to fucking park. I will never forget how last year a lady tried to box me in at the Chapel Hills Mall by parking BEHIND ME in front of Borders. Needless to say, I was pissed. But it is like that EVERYWHERE, even when you want to make a quick stop for something. You would figure that people would be more open to shopping online seeing as how they search for deviant porn without a concern of getting V&. Yet, they fear shopping online. Stupidity never ceases.
Aside from that, I am looking forward to this year’s Christmas time. I could do without the Jesus or the cheesiness of the season but you have to look past that if you want to enjoy it. I also may see “A Christmas Carol” this year if anyone is interested in going with me. If not, eat a dick. I am about to brave the elements and get myself something for my still aching throat (I TOTALLY shouldn’t have sang on Friday). I will try to be back up on Monday for a review of my new phone and if not tomorrow then definitely Friday. Until then, stay up peeps!
Chachi Out
