You know, this whole people liking Transformers thing doesn’t bother me as much as I am bothered about the 75% of the fucktards that weren’t offended by the Negrobots, the Nazitron and the Wopzord despite it being PG-13 (Oh, and the usage of “shit” and the sexual innuendo because we all know that there are no normal people…anywhere) and yet complained about “Watchmen” having blue cock and being “confusing.” Now we all know that Watchmen wasn’t for everyone. That is why it was rated “R” and came out in March. Yet, everyone went to see it and I had to sit there and hear people in the theater bitch about how “OMG! Dude that’s a COCK! THAT’S FUCKED UP!” and people that brought their GOD DAMN KIDS HAD THE NERVE TO BE OFFENDED AND COMPLAIN. First off, if you take your children to a R rated movie and you are offended then you forgo all your rights for anyone to give a shit. It’s called restricted for a reason: people that cant handle adult situations need to stay the fuck out because the ability to watch an adult movie is an adult responsibility. You can’t handle it than get the fuck out because you KNEW what you were getting into if you saw the trailers or read the damn graphic novel.
With that said, I heard a lot of bitching about the plot of the Watchmen being to difficult to follow while Transformers plot was “good” because it was straightforward. Everyone, understand something:
STRAIGHTFORWARD = RETARDED
There, I said it. If you are retarded or know a retard, don’t be upset at me. Be upset at the fucktards giving real tards a bad name. God…I am totally in dick mode right now but you all deserve it. Apologies to the tarded, here is something for you:
Guess I must be retarded because I love that show. Oh, and Dale was a tarmunk. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whooo…going to hell. Anyway, I watched Transformers and felt like it was an insult to the little intelligence that I DO have just by acting like they gave a shit about the plot. You see, the issue that people have with the movie is this: Transformers CAME FROM SOMETHING. It had a backstory, a fanbase and a origin that should have been USED if you were going to use the NAME. Now if Christopher Nolan met with Warner Brothers about Batman and said:
"You know, I know Batman is supposed to be a tragic story about a boy that loses his family to crime so he triumphantly decides to be come a symbol and protect those from evil so no one ever has to feel his pain. Great story and yadda yadda ya. But I am thinking this: let’s turn Batman into a jive talking cat-person that cracks jokes and dances along to some to 70’s funk music. Oh, and he doesn’t fight crime at all. He beats up Indians and rapes their buffalo all to Linkin Park in the background. IIIIIIINNNNNN TTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and I need $225 million dollars to make this shitball plus 8% of gross. Plus, Dane Cook has to voice the cat. That is one funny motherfucker."
Okay, you see how that sounds? Bad, right? That is how I feel about Transformers. Ladies, a lot of you didn’t get that mostly because your brain is smaller than the brain of a man and can’t handle things like “words” and “thinking” so I will break it down like this: if they pitched the “Sex And The City” movie to execs and when it came out, the movie starred the Golden Girls (Which in my opinion would make for a better damn movie because at least the Golden Girls were fucking funny):
*Sigh* rest in piece, Bea Arthur. I personally thought she was hilarious in Maude when I watched the repeats. You see how bad of an idea that is? See how they took something you loved in its ORIGINAL FORM and they bastardized it to the point that it was unrecognizable to you as a fan but pandered to the lowest common demoninator which is the Fuckwits of the United States by blowing shit up, showing clevage and making ethnically charged humor the key to getting a god damn laugh? Congrats, you have what Michael Bay did to Transformers. TWICE.
Now I will be the first to admit it was my fault for seeing the movie. I mean I could have spent my money to see Star Trek again (A MOVIE THAT GOT A REBOOT FUCKING RIGHT AND SHOWED HOW YOU TAKE A CLASSIC PROPERTY AND MAKE IT ROCK HARDER THAN FAKE TITS IN SIBERIA!) but instead I spent my money on a movie that I hoped would recapture my excitement about the animated movie in a way the original failed to do. Instead…I got robo-balls:
Really? IS THIS WHAT OPTIMUS PRIME TOOK ALL THOSE ASS WHOOPINGS FOR?! GOD DAMN IT! Honestly, people that sit back and say “It has robots, its Transformers! Quit complaining!” need to be beaten. With a baby. Tied to a kitten. If they remade “Passion of Christ” and replaced Jesus with Katt Williams and made it with a soundtrack provided by The Neptunes I am sure you Jesus freaks would have a god damn puppy. I look at it the same way because Optimus Prime > Jesus. Yeah, I fucking said it and if you don’t like it then close your fucking browser. I went to see something expecting it to be based of some semblance of the original property and I got…I don’t know what I got. All I know is that I am calling for a ban on Shia LeBeouf to be in any movie that has ties to anything from the 80’s because he has killed Indiana Jones AND Transformers. Yet, they both did $300+ million at the box-office so what do I know? I know that you all that liked those movies are why baby Jesus cries and won’t come back. Well, that and the whole nails in his hand thing. Kind of holds a grudge…now that the bandages on his hands are off. ZING!
Whooo….it’s good to be back.
The offending of people has returned. All it takes is motivation, hatred and soju. Not in that order, though. Matter of fact, fuck the hatred. Then again, fuck the motivation too! Gimme that bottle! I am out, but I will be back after whatever happens this weekend.
Chachi Out
