Yes...another repeat. I am sorry! New blog Sunday, had a really vexxing week. Yeah, I think that describes it. I'll be back with something new soon!
What is up, people! It is a rather lazy day Sunday and all I got going is laundry and self regret. Usually at the same time. But what is done is done and all I can do is get drunk to make the voices go away. Soju, here I come! But before then, I have a huge beef with people and their non-dancing asses. Now don’t get me wrong, I am no Minwoo but come on. I mean we all remember the dumbfuckery that was “The Soulja Boy” and that got us nowhere, if just closer to doing minstrel shows for Blacks and many a dance related injury for Whites. Once again, Mexicans slept and Asians waited with a zen-like patience. Gotta offend everyone.
Now I rant about these every few months or so but seriously, when was the last dance that everyone could get up and do not called “The Cupid Shuffle?”:
As DJ UNK said, grandma can do it with her cane! Grandma can’t do the Soulja Boy, she’ll break a fucking hip! And I have to say, I was feeling the Fred Sanford. Anyway, it is time for my first in a series of as many until I feel like stopping posts about kicking it old school. So I bring to you the first….
Passion of Chachi Presents: The Decline of…..Dancing
Now the art of the dance has been used for several things. Whether it was to convey joy or whether it is to acquire a mate, dance serves many functions. Now for those that don’t think it is for acquiring a mate please see:” Getting your eagle” on for women because a woman with her legs open garners a lot more attention than a woman doing the “Walk It Out”:
Which is sad because a woman that can do that deserves lovin more than a woman that pops, drops and locks it. Also, see men and the “Make It Rain” which isn’t a DANCE but since dance has fallen to shit in the last few years….it kind of counts:
That and let’s face it, women flock to floating money like Jews flock to floating money. AAAAWWW, SNAP! That wasn’t cool. Okay, like Black men flock to overweight White women. Gotta offend everyone. Back to my point if there even happens to BE one. It seems that dancing has lost its way. Now we can all sit back and blame Soulja Boy but it isn’t ALL his fault. Now he is the nail in the coffin but dance has been dead and chilling out with rigor mortis for years. Here are the reasons why.
Reason 1: No Instructions Included….But They ARE FUCKING NEEDED.
Okay, can someone sit back and TELL me how to do the Soulja Boy? Seriously, there are more moves in that fucking dance as there are in a Knowshon Moreno touchdown run. And they aren’t even as cool. You see, dances now are a combination of even SHITTER dances to make one uber-shitty dance sensation. With all those dances there are a lot of movements and a very slim margin of error lest you end up bumping into someone or punching someone in the eye which they fucking deserve for doing that dance. Now don’t get me wrong, it caught my attention for a good five weeks or so….until I saw the dance. Then I broke it all down to learn it and told myself “Self, you look like MC Hammer on crack….but not in the good way. You see, the level of difficulty in the dance wasn’t high but the grasping of all the spastic, non-rhythmic and totally out of sync movements made it so that you had to have an instruction guide just to get past the first verse. You see, a dance has to be simple AND fun to do. I have to say that I didn’t have one iota of fun doing the Soulja Boy. NOT ONE, at least after I got over the novelty of learning it and realized I looked like the neighborhood spastic hepped up on jujubes and smack. Yes there were videos on the net and YouTube but going online to learn a dance is like not having a CD of your operating system when you buy a computer: BULLSHIT. Real dances tell you what to do DURING the song. See: THE HUMPTY DANCE!:
How do you DO the Humpty Dance? Well, allow Humpty Hump to tell you. I will translate for the non-gangsta macks:
First I limp to the side like my leg was broken
Shakin' and twitchin' kinda like I was smokin'
Crazy wack funky
(Translation: Get on the floor and jump around and flail your arms like Kermit the Frog if he was on fire and about to be raped by Gonzo. That was his thing….raping frogs….with his nose)
People say ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Humpty
That's all right 'cause my body's in motion
It's supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion
Anyone can play this game
This is my dance, y'all, Humpty Hump's my name
No two people will do it the same
Ya got it down when ya appear to be in pain
(Translation: You may not look like you are doing it right but if you look like you are doing it right your fool ass is doing it wrong)
Humpin', funkin', jumpin',
jig around, shakin' ya rump,
and when the dude a chump pump points a finger like a stump
tell him step off, I'm doin' the Hump.
(Translation: Don’t let anyone tell you that you are doing the dance wrong and if they do, smack that motherfucker up like you should a small child that talks too fucking much)
You see? A hell of a lot better than the Soulja Boy or the Shawty Lo dance (If you could really call that a dance. Looks more like some shit you would do on the fucking Wii Sports) just with a little bit of direction. Oh, and keeping it funky but that is what dance is all about.
Reason #2: Can’t Groove If You Aint Got No Room!
Now we have all been to the club. It has been about five months since I went to a club and actually DANCED lest you count NDK which I don’t because that is a different world. The club would be a lot cooler if they played “I’m Coming” by Rain but that is neither here nor there. That being said, a club’s main goal is not to make sure you have a good time. It is to make sure you get drunk and spend all your money whether it be on some woman to hopefully take her home and (Keep your fingers cross, pervert fucks!) sodomize her like an 11 year old boy in ancient Greece or on yourself so as a woman you can get drunk….and then be sodomized like an 11 year old boy in ancient Greece. Do the math ladies: DRINKING = SODOMY. The Greeks knew it, Kobe Bryant knew it, frat boys know it (Don’t take off my pants, bro!) and now you know it. Use this information wisely and cut back after two Long Islands. I’m just saying.
Back to the ranch, though. Who here has been to the Ritz in the CSP? Now how many of you could actually MOVE through The Ritz until last call due to how many people are crammed in that bitch? They are blatantly over maximum capacity and although it is more of a bar than a club, it is like that everywhere and almost every club I have been to in Denver, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Seattle, Salt Lake City (Mormons get down, too! Just very lamely) and Boise (Which has the most awesome gays EVAR! Seriously, you guys are cool). Your comfort and ability to have fun are put to the side for the ability for you to be involved in their quest for more money. You ever been at a club and people try to do the “Cupid Shuffle?” I can say right now, I have seen more niggas fight over getting bumped because there’re is no more room for the third left in the bridge or they get kicked in the back of the heel than anything else out there. And if there is one thing niggas LOVE to do, it is fuck up a good time for everyone else because someone “looked at them funny.” Yet, punching someone while doing the Young Joc dance (DUMBEST. DANCE. EVER) I feel is justified. But in this case, it isn’t their fault. No point in making club songs about dances if people can’t dance in the club.
Reason #3: Music Sucks
Now this is kind of a copout but think about it like this: if artists can’t make a song about jack shit in general, what makes me think they have the talent to make a song about a dance? The key figure of R&B would rather piss on you than make you dance. Oh, and don’t call “stepping” a dance because it is exactly that: stepping. It’s like calling DDR dancing….WHICH IT ISNT. Not exactly the guy I would rely on to create the next dance sensation. The key figures in rap are either too busy feeding their own ego (Kanye, I love you like no other but you really need to tone down the dipshittery), too busy being simian fucktard assholes (Fiddy, you mushmouthed cockmonger. You suck and I hope you die. That is all) or dead. And dead men don’t make dance hits. Except maybe Falco and shit:
Aaahhh, Bloodhound Gang. Definitely better than Blink 182. Anyway, music has fallen off to the point that there is no money in albums because the days of forcing us to buy a full album with 1 or 2 good songs is pretty much over. That and people are fucking stupid enough to let iTunes and record companies charge you 99 cents to $1.99 for a song so there is no need to make GOOD music that people want to dance to when you can make a good song that is great for niggas and dumb bitches to have as a ringtone (See: Fergie for the bitches and MIMS/Yung Joc for the niggas. Man, two Yung Joc references in one blog? I am off my game) and make 10 times the money. Face it, musicians don’t make music for the fans or the love of the art. They make it for the money. Aint nothing wrong with that but just be true to your fuckery.
With all that said, it saddens me to see the days of dancing are officially over. I have said it before and I will say it again: no one dances anymore. The club looks more like Caligula to a Polow Tha Don beat than a scene from House Party or even Less Than Zero (AWESOME MOVIE, BTW!). Seriously, the next time I get accosted on the dance floor I am suing everyone for harassment and getting my cash. The days of the Tootsie Roll are over. Which is sad because it replaced the butterfly….because it was old. So we are now stuck to dancing at anime conventions which is sad in a way but at the end of the day….I can do the Caramelledansen:
And THAT is fun. That is all for now, peeps. Odds are I will do another post sometime this week to bitch about how shitty my life is going. Until then, stay up and….
Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gör som vi gör
Ta några steg åt vänster
Lyssna och lär
Missa inte chansen
Nu är vi här med
Caramelldansen!
Look it up, bitches.
Chachi Out
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Even Better The Second Time Around!
Alright people! It has been a while since I have done an Omnibus based off of the people. Mostly because…I hate the people. Today, I will give the people what they ask for…nay…what they DEMAND of the Passion of Chachi: half-assed answers to your dumb fucking questions. Yeah, you know you love it! So sit back and get ready for…
Passion of Chachi Omnibus Presents: The People’s Choice Part II: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Answer, not a god damn thing. Anyway, these are all questions based off of people asking me in real life that I either didn’t answer fully or didn’t answer at all. So, if you see a question and it looks like you asked it of me then odds are you did. And awaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!
Question #1: Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?/Why Don’t Nice Guys Exist?
You see, I COMBINE these questions because I want to illustrate the logical disconnect between men, women and FUCKING REALITY. You see, the concept of the “nice guy” was actually created by women to justify their dumb ass actions of dating men that fucked their sisters, lied to them as often as they greased their hair and treated them like overall crap. Rather than just saying “I picked an asshole because I was dumb as shit and should accept my dumbashittery” they place the blame on a “bad boy” and claim they can’t control their “emotions” because of them. When you lay it all down scientifically, it makes you sound dumb as shit, don’t it?
Now the “nice guy” phenomenon got started by dudes that were to chickenshit to actually approach women and do anything more than be their “platonic friend” in hopes she would see how great of a guy you were after realizing how poorly all the men she let invade her gullyhole were to her because she was just going after the wrong man. You would be the knight in shining armor to take her in after she had been used up like so many tissues after a screening of “Grave of the Fireflies” and you would live happily ever after. Not realizing you are just a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG WITHOUT THE BALLS TO BE A DOUCHEBAG BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. Combine women who refuse to accept they like being treated like shit and wanting what they deem unattainable and men that are too much of a pussy to confront them on that and tell them what kind of person they are and how they will treat them and instead just play the three point line hoping for a John Paxton moment…and you have why nice guys finish last and don’t exist. Write it down, fuckers:
Women are fucking stupid and nice guys are fucking lying pussies.
There you go. It is simple really:
Women CRAVE attention
Nice guys GIVE attention
Therefore, a woman doesn’t WANT a nice guy because he gives her the attention she craves.
WAIT you say? Well, women are like cats. They want attention, but what happens when you go to pet a cat? It doesn’t want to be petted. However, act like you don’t NOTICE that cat and what happens? IT DEMANDS YOUR TIME AND YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ITS PRESENCE:
Same with a woman. If you give her the attention she wants by either her dress, attitude or actions then she will most likely ignore you or not be interested in you because there is no challenge or desire. You automatically are interested in what she is giving. You see, as far as I am concerned all “nice guys” are just stalkers without the mad skills of espionage, deception and lock-picking (RESIDENT EVIL, FOOLS. LIVE IT). They put themselves in a role and kind of stay there in hopes of expecting a woman to see them for how they WANT to be seen on HER accord rather than letting her know how you SHOULD be seen on YOUR accord. Quite simply, nice guys expect women to show appreciation to them for being there for them when in essence…that makes you worse than a douchebag. OH, I SO WENT THERE. At least a douchebag is upfront with their douchebaggery. “Nice guys” expect women to fawn on them because they are the “anti-jerk” when actually you are a bigger jerk because that is the most out of control attitude when it comes to an ego since Dr. Doom’s speaking in the third person. Nice guys aren’t nice, they just aren’t overt douchebags and they think that equates “nice” but that is like someone who is a blatant racist and doesn’t call Asians “slant-eyed rice wine swillers to their face ISN’T A RACIST. You still are, you are just going about it in a less standoffish way which is worse than someone who is willing to go all out in their racism and wear a shirt that says “I Heart Honkeys” while singing “Good Old Boys” by Waylon Jennings and blogging about how Martin Luther King Jr. was a “rabble-rousing coon.” Now THAT’S racist.
Now I am not going to blame men for all of this because it shockingly isn’t all the man’s fault here. You see, women are fucking crazy. The Greeks knew it, the Carthaginians knew it, the Romans knew it, Ike Turner knew it and now you know it. Being crazy, women don’t know what they want or why they want it at any given time which is why a day like Valentine’s Day was created: to give their crazy asses focus. The folly with nice guys is that they made the mistake of listening to what a woman SAID (When will they learn! Women only speak in clicks and whistles and no one understands them!) rather than what they DID. They listened to women say they wanted a guy that listened to them and cared about their thoughts and just overall respected them. They took that and went “I can do that! If I do that I will get more Tang than a Chinese Triad member that loves orange drink!” So they changed their style to meet what women said…and were dead wrong. Women STILL went after douchebags, which were women’s ACTIONS. I can’t say they were lies, but I can say that for the age range you see this at (16-26 I will average) with the nice guy phenomenon vs. the douchebag phenomenon…douches win hands down because they may not be smart, but sometimes being dumb is the most effective strategy you can use when it comes to women because they are crazy.
I will end it like this in a way hopefully nice guys can understand and women can comprehend. Nice guys are like a Street Fighter 4 player that knows all the combos and strategies. They read the books and know all the juggles and strings and every move by heart. A douchebag…is a button masher. They just pick a character and wail away at the buttons until something happens that resembles a move. The don’t believe in blocking because they play Halo and Gears of War and health regenerates so they go all out. You ever seen a button masher against a person that knows all the moves? Not nescesarily a SKILLED player, but one that knows all the strategies? They usually win. Why? At the end of the day, the game is just six buttons and a joystick. Over thinking it just wastes time and leaves you vulnerable for a series of kicks to the face. How is THAT for kicking that knowledge?
As for women, the reason there are no nice guys left is the exact same reason why chivalry is dead: YOU FUCKING KILLED THEM ALL WITH YOUR CRAZINESS. You see, there is such thing as a “nice guy” but the problem is that a while back you probably dated him and treated him like shit for no reason. Or for a reason, who knows but the point is that the new nice guy is the jerk. You have met them. They usually don’t care about your presence and that pisses you off? They usually challenge you and prove you wrong on the things you say that nice guys say “you are so smart and/or funny!” to and douchebags just tell you how hot your tits look in that top. And that SO PISSES YOU OFF? Those were the guys that got pissed on in the late 90’s to mid 2000’s and decided they had enough. The guys you say are “rude” or “mean” or “insensitive” are the original nice guys back when it was NOT COOL to be the nice guy. Not nice to women, but nice to everyone in general…and they were considered gay. So now they don’t go to clubs and find women’s’ actions rather irritating so they just hang out with their friends and now all you are left with are borderline stalkers and fuckwit McGee’s and you complain why you can’t just find a nice guy. You broke them all, just like a kid that breaks all of their favorite toys for fun and realize all they have left are Go-Bots and Duplos. Hope you’re happy! And let’s keep this bus on track, shall we?
Question #2: Why Do People Expect Me To Be Married By Now? I Don’t NEED To Be Taken Care Of!
Well, people are stupid. That’s the cop out answer I gave you but let’s go a little more in depth. You see, I wager a large majority of people see love as something tangible. It has either a financial value or a material value to it. Love is based off what one person can provide and give first, then what they can give that is not quantifiable LATER. Now I may be wrong on this as a whole but I can only base this off of what I have seen and know of so take that into account. You see, I have yet to figure out how people can date for five years and then…just…stop. I mean what were you doing in those five years? Getting to know the person? Well, I don’t buy that excuse because there are people that get divorced over “irreconcilable differences” and I say to myself WHAT WERE YOU DOING WHILE YOU WERE DATING BECAUSE YOU SURE WEREN’T GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER?! I mean before you get married you should KNOW what things this person has going wrong with them and you should address that prior and decide if it is something that could cause your union to end. People DON’T do that or maybe they do and people just go batshit when they get married but if you get divorced because of something that isn’t an ass kicking or another person banging your mate then you didn’t do your job in the first place.
To answer the question, people expect you to be married because as The Joker said…it’s all part of the plan. Whether you think it’s God’s plan or whatever, the end goal of human beings has been ingrained in them since the beginning of time:
1. Grow up
2. Get Married
3. Have Babies
4. Die
That is pretty much it. As far as I am concerned, you have to actually GROW UP before you get married. Most people never pass that first part and some of you just skip to step three because you were stupid. You can hate if you want to but if you passed 7th grade health class and you still got pregnant and called it a surprise or a shock…you need to be put down like a feral dog. I’m sorry, but you cannot be allowed to be here anymore because you are a fucking moron. You know where babies come from and you took the risk so there is no being shocked. I think that is what it all boils down to and until recently I never thought about it like this.
I was watching The Amazing Athiest and he was talking about sacrifice when it came to working moms. Now I like The Amazing Atheist and agree with him and disagree with him but this was something that made me think. You see, people who are single are seen as selfish and not willing to sacrifice. They won’t settle down with one person and they won’t make more children so in essence they are going against the plan that makes them FREAKS. Really think about this, though. Who really sacrifices anymore? We as human being in the basic aspects try for figure out ways to mitigate sacrifice and work from the bottom rung. Look at a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Three parts: bread, peanut butter and jelly. Well we couldn’t put up with ALL THAT WORK so we made PBJ in one jar. Down to two steps. Then we said “FUCK THAT, I WANT IT NOW!” and we put the PBJ in a fucking premade pocket. How is THAT FOR SACRIFICE.
Now some of you will say that is petty and irrelevant. If you are then you are missing the big picture. Part of life is putting things together; building something if you will. You need a base and a foundation before you can build any house and that in my opinion is what growing up is. Finding yourself and who you are is the most important aspect of building a relationship because if you can’t help yourself, how can you help someone else? Most people will rush into a marriage without being fully aware of themselves just to get married and then they end up finding out about themselves (And the other person) in the process and realizing “maybe I rushed into this” when IF YOUWOULD HAVE DONE THE FUCKING RESEARCH YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO RETHINK ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like I stated before, some go directly into step three and that is the dumbest shit ever (YES, I SAID IT) because if you don’t know yourself and you can’t help another person how can you RAISE another person? A lot can be said for learning on the fly but you can’t fuck up raising a kid. We have seen several times what messing up a childhood can do to a kid. Now I am not saying that knowing yourself and knowing your partner makes you a better parent because life is dynamic, but it sure does help to run the offense if you know what plays you can run and where your receivers will be on third down.
In the end, you are dead on. You don’t need to be taken care of and you don’t need to be married. People want that because they think that is what everyone SHOULD want. I can honestly say that I know that I may or may not want kids. Depends on what my partner (Once I get enough money to by young Sun Hee from the catalog. We are in love!) wants and we will discuss that. However, marriage isn’t for some people. Kids aren’t for some people. That is what makes us who we are: our individuality. You find someone that closely resembles what you want out of life once you find out what you want and then you make a life together. That is what makes you happy, so you do that. If your parents love you, as long as you are living your life to its fullest, they shouldn’t have a problem with that. If they do, the its kind of the James Van Der Beek moment of I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE:
You got to say it all Texas like, too. Complete the illusion. Home that helps.
Question #3: How Come No One Loves Me For Me?
Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. Shit aint gonna happen though.
Okay, I take that back. RARELY is that going to happen. That is kind of what love is: never having to say I didn’t mean to put it there. In all seriousness it is VERY RARE you will find someone that will love you for exactly how you are. People who say that are really just lying. Not in a bad way, they just love each other from what they KNOW about each other. If everyone knew everything about the person they were with, odds are they would never have dated or married them. That’s just life and it is normal. Have you ever bought a car and loved EVERYTHING about it? Have you ever had a job and loved EVERYTHING about it? You even had an experience with a stripper and loved EVERYTHING about it? NO, and that is okay! One thing about love is embracing the differences between you and your mate…as long as its…constitutional. Case in point: I love J-Pop and K-Pop. LOVE IT. I have withdrawals when I don’t watch some everyday. Hell, I don’t even know a lot of Japanese or Korean but I listen to it like Usher was singing it. Every woman (Save for one who…fuuuuuuuuuck, we won’t go into that right now) who I have been involved with HATED IT. I mean some of them got kind of pissy and indignant about it, too. If there is something in your life that you like and your partner doesn’t, that’s life. It is how you address your differences that determines the love that is there. Another case in point: back in college a girl I was dating LOVED Temptation Island. She just kept talking about it to the point it was like “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” but instead I thought:
If something interests her that much, I would like to know why”
Now I was young and stupid and know aware to the evil ways of women yet so I was open to this kind of thing. Later on I found out that nothing a woman does is worth doing ever (And the stuff I want to do she usually thinks is lame, illegal or “immoral”) but still. I sat back one day after class and we watched the show and you know what? I WAS FUCKING HOOKED. It was a great show and it was a great way to spend quality time (Again, I was young a stupid. Later I found out that women are the devil). However, she still hated EVERYTHING I did (Including Big Trouble In Little China which was kind of the deal breaker) but that is to be expected because what I like only like 12 people in the country like because I am kind of an odd duck. If I could find a girl that liked anime, pro wrestling, college football, musicals, vampire hunters, sock puppets, Bath and Body Works, applesauce, Zac Efron (HE IS SO DREAMY!), talking Milkshakes and of course disco I would be the happiest man alive. That shit aint gonna happen, nor do I want it to happen because odds are my head would explode from the awesomeness. That and I am sure I named off the traits of a gay man in Hartford which makes me want to cry. Not in the good way, in the bad way like after non-consensual anal sex. Wouldn’t it be a so much easier if I were a homosexual? Geez, I am kind of down on myself. Last one, people! Let’s make it count!
Question #4: Why Are You So Apathetic About Love All The Time?
It’s called a DEFENSE MECHANISM. You see, my goal is to take all the happiness I may feel out of a situation before it starts. It was like someone once told me:
“I live a life of total apathy. Yes, you miss out on the few ground-breaking and ecstatic highs, but you avoid the more plentiful earth-shattering and soul-crushing lows. It’s a fair trade I think.”
And how. I know it sounds like a bad way to look at things but let’s look at this logically here: a woman would have to be out of her fucking mind to think about dating me. I’m crazy in the head! Did you know that I am scared of dogs with floppy ears? Those fuckers are evil! How can you tell if a dog is listening to you if it’s ears aren’t up?! Odds are that little fucker is ignoring you! You cant tell if its surprised or anything! Just one day it gnaws your face off and the police ask you “well, didn’t you see his ears turn up?!” and all you can say is no!
Secondly, and most importantly I have learned that placing stock in people is the worst place to put it. You need to find a pet or an investment firm or some shit because putting emotional stock in another person is the easiest way to fuck your shit up. Then I need an emotional bailout from the Bank of Soju and Karaoke and the only person that was good for was Jinro. Someone will get that joke and if you do you are fucking AWESOME. I guess the biggest reason…wait, this is a monumental moment here. This needs a soundtrack:
FUCK YES. Okay, here is the answer to the eternal question: why am I such a fucking jerk. The reason is…I let it happen. You see, there comes a point when you have to hold yourself accountable for the shit that has happened to you. Women, please take note of that and quit yer bitchin about how men do you wrong when you put yourself right in that situation all the time. Just saying. I can sit back and say “FUCK YOU BITCH! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT I’M UNHAPPY!” but I don’t because:
1. I’m Not Unhappy: People take my humor and logic for anger and distrust. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I love women and think they are great. I don’t trust them or take anything they say at face value but I follow that rule with everyone. People suck, woman or man.
2. It’s My Own Fool Fault: It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. If you listen to it and believe it when you know it aint true, you are more at fault than the liar. Marinate on that.
3. I’m No Walk In The Park: Ask my friends whether I am easy to deal with. I know damn well I am a DIFFICULT person to get along with a lot of times so how can I be mad because a person was difficult to deal with as well. I was no victim; I was just as much of an asshole most of the time. Hard to believe, I will admit.
4. It’s Life: E-40 once said you gotta chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. The Bank of Chachi accepts those loans and pays them every month, plus principle.
In the end, this isn’t much of an answer but I don’t believe I am down on love as much as I try to use situational logic as often as possible. I notice not a lot of people do that (Like, none of you but I can’t complain because I have been there) but at the same time, I was once told that everyone believes what they are doing is logical but it usually is never rational. Just because you are in “love” doesn’t mean you suspend common sense. Maybe I rely on rational thought too often and that is why I seem so down. It is like the Tick said about sanity:
“And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.”
Now that’s a quote to live your life by. If you want to follow the musings of a 7-foot tall invulnerable superhero that may or may not have eight legs. Which I DO.
Well, keen eyes can tell that this was a repost. It is one of my favorites so I must say I dont mind the summer repeats at all. Kind of regrouping right now so I thought I'd bring back a classic. I want to do a new Omnibus at some point so bring back them questions, peeps! I will be back maybe tomorrow, depends on how I am feeling. Until next time, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Passion of Chachi Omnibus Presents: The People’s Choice Part II: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Answer, not a god damn thing. Anyway, these are all questions based off of people asking me in real life that I either didn’t answer fully or didn’t answer at all. So, if you see a question and it looks like you asked it of me then odds are you did. And awaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!
Question #1: Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?/Why Don’t Nice Guys Exist?
You see, I COMBINE these questions because I want to illustrate the logical disconnect between men, women and FUCKING REALITY. You see, the concept of the “nice guy” was actually created by women to justify their dumb ass actions of dating men that fucked their sisters, lied to them as often as they greased their hair and treated them like overall crap. Rather than just saying “I picked an asshole because I was dumb as shit and should accept my dumbashittery” they place the blame on a “bad boy” and claim they can’t control their “emotions” because of them. When you lay it all down scientifically, it makes you sound dumb as shit, don’t it?
Now the “nice guy” phenomenon got started by dudes that were to chickenshit to actually approach women and do anything more than be their “platonic friend” in hopes she would see how great of a guy you were after realizing how poorly all the men she let invade her gullyhole were to her because she was just going after the wrong man. You would be the knight in shining armor to take her in after she had been used up like so many tissues after a screening of “Grave of the Fireflies” and you would live happily ever after. Not realizing you are just a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG WITHOUT THE BALLS TO BE A DOUCHEBAG BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON. Combine women who refuse to accept they like being treated like shit and wanting what they deem unattainable and men that are too much of a pussy to confront them on that and tell them what kind of person they are and how they will treat them and instead just play the three point line hoping for a John Paxton moment…and you have why nice guys finish last and don’t exist. Write it down, fuckers:
Women are fucking stupid and nice guys are fucking lying pussies.
There you go. It is simple really:
Women CRAVE attention
Nice guys GIVE attention
Therefore, a woman doesn’t WANT a nice guy because he gives her the attention she craves.
WAIT you say? Well, women are like cats. They want attention, but what happens when you go to pet a cat? It doesn’t want to be petted. However, act like you don’t NOTICE that cat and what happens? IT DEMANDS YOUR TIME AND YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ITS PRESENCE:
Same with a woman. If you give her the attention she wants by either her dress, attitude or actions then she will most likely ignore you or not be interested in you because there is no challenge or desire. You automatically are interested in what she is giving. You see, as far as I am concerned all “nice guys” are just stalkers without the mad skills of espionage, deception and lock-picking (RESIDENT EVIL, FOOLS. LIVE IT). They put themselves in a role and kind of stay there in hopes of expecting a woman to see them for how they WANT to be seen on HER accord rather than letting her know how you SHOULD be seen on YOUR accord. Quite simply, nice guys expect women to show appreciation to them for being there for them when in essence…that makes you worse than a douchebag. OH, I SO WENT THERE. At least a douchebag is upfront with their douchebaggery. “Nice guys” expect women to fawn on them because they are the “anti-jerk” when actually you are a bigger jerk because that is the most out of control attitude when it comes to an ego since Dr. Doom’s speaking in the third person. Nice guys aren’t nice, they just aren’t overt douchebags and they think that equates “nice” but that is like someone who is a blatant racist and doesn’t call Asians “slant-eyed rice wine swillers to their face ISN’T A RACIST. You still are, you are just going about it in a less standoffish way which is worse than someone who is willing to go all out in their racism and wear a shirt that says “I Heart Honkeys” while singing “Good Old Boys” by Waylon Jennings and blogging about how Martin Luther King Jr. was a “rabble-rousing coon.” Now THAT’S racist.
Now I am not going to blame men for all of this because it shockingly isn’t all the man’s fault here. You see, women are fucking crazy. The Greeks knew it, the Carthaginians knew it, the Romans knew it, Ike Turner knew it and now you know it. Being crazy, women don’t know what they want or why they want it at any given time which is why a day like Valentine’s Day was created: to give their crazy asses focus. The folly with nice guys is that they made the mistake of listening to what a woman SAID (When will they learn! Women only speak in clicks and whistles and no one understands them!) rather than what they DID. They listened to women say they wanted a guy that listened to them and cared about their thoughts and just overall respected them. They took that and went “I can do that! If I do that I will get more Tang than a Chinese Triad member that loves orange drink!” So they changed their style to meet what women said…and were dead wrong. Women STILL went after douchebags, which were women’s ACTIONS. I can’t say they were lies, but I can say that for the age range you see this at (16-26 I will average) with the nice guy phenomenon vs. the douchebag phenomenon…douches win hands down because they may not be smart, but sometimes being dumb is the most effective strategy you can use when it comes to women because they are crazy.
I will end it like this in a way hopefully nice guys can understand and women can comprehend. Nice guys are like a Street Fighter 4 player that knows all the combos and strategies. They read the books and know all the juggles and strings and every move by heart. A douchebag…is a button masher. They just pick a character and wail away at the buttons until something happens that resembles a move. The don’t believe in blocking because they play Halo and Gears of War and health regenerates so they go all out. You ever seen a button masher against a person that knows all the moves? Not nescesarily a SKILLED player, but one that knows all the strategies? They usually win. Why? At the end of the day, the game is just six buttons and a joystick. Over thinking it just wastes time and leaves you vulnerable for a series of kicks to the face. How is THAT for kicking that knowledge?
As for women, the reason there are no nice guys left is the exact same reason why chivalry is dead: YOU FUCKING KILLED THEM ALL WITH YOUR CRAZINESS. You see, there is such thing as a “nice guy” but the problem is that a while back you probably dated him and treated him like shit for no reason. Or for a reason, who knows but the point is that the new nice guy is the jerk. You have met them. They usually don’t care about your presence and that pisses you off? They usually challenge you and prove you wrong on the things you say that nice guys say “you are so smart and/or funny!” to and douchebags just tell you how hot your tits look in that top. And that SO PISSES YOU OFF? Those were the guys that got pissed on in the late 90’s to mid 2000’s and decided they had enough. The guys you say are “rude” or “mean” or “insensitive” are the original nice guys back when it was NOT COOL to be the nice guy. Not nice to women, but nice to everyone in general…and they were considered gay. So now they don’t go to clubs and find women’s’ actions rather irritating so they just hang out with their friends and now all you are left with are borderline stalkers and fuckwit McGee’s and you complain why you can’t just find a nice guy. You broke them all, just like a kid that breaks all of their favorite toys for fun and realize all they have left are Go-Bots and Duplos. Hope you’re happy! And let’s keep this bus on track, shall we?
Question #2: Why Do People Expect Me To Be Married By Now? I Don’t NEED To Be Taken Care Of!
Well, people are stupid. That’s the cop out answer I gave you but let’s go a little more in depth. You see, I wager a large majority of people see love as something tangible. It has either a financial value or a material value to it. Love is based off what one person can provide and give first, then what they can give that is not quantifiable LATER. Now I may be wrong on this as a whole but I can only base this off of what I have seen and know of so take that into account. You see, I have yet to figure out how people can date for five years and then…just…stop. I mean what were you doing in those five years? Getting to know the person? Well, I don’t buy that excuse because there are people that get divorced over “irreconcilable differences” and I say to myself WHAT WERE YOU DOING WHILE YOU WERE DATING BECAUSE YOU SURE WEREN’T GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER?! I mean before you get married you should KNOW what things this person has going wrong with them and you should address that prior and decide if it is something that could cause your union to end. People DON’T do that or maybe they do and people just go batshit when they get married but if you get divorced because of something that isn’t an ass kicking or another person banging your mate then you didn’t do your job in the first place.
To answer the question, people expect you to be married because as The Joker said…it’s all part of the plan. Whether you think it’s God’s plan or whatever, the end goal of human beings has been ingrained in them since the beginning of time:
1. Grow up
2. Get Married
3. Have Babies
4. Die
That is pretty much it. As far as I am concerned, you have to actually GROW UP before you get married. Most people never pass that first part and some of you just skip to step three because you were stupid. You can hate if you want to but if you passed 7th grade health class and you still got pregnant and called it a surprise or a shock…you need to be put down like a feral dog. I’m sorry, but you cannot be allowed to be here anymore because you are a fucking moron. You know where babies come from and you took the risk so there is no being shocked. I think that is what it all boils down to and until recently I never thought about it like this.
I was watching The Amazing Athiest and he was talking about sacrifice when it came to working moms. Now I like The Amazing Atheist and agree with him and disagree with him but this was something that made me think. You see, people who are single are seen as selfish and not willing to sacrifice. They won’t settle down with one person and they won’t make more children so in essence they are going against the plan that makes them FREAKS. Really think about this, though. Who really sacrifices anymore? We as human being in the basic aspects try for figure out ways to mitigate sacrifice and work from the bottom rung. Look at a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Three parts: bread, peanut butter and jelly. Well we couldn’t put up with ALL THAT WORK so we made PBJ in one jar. Down to two steps. Then we said “FUCK THAT, I WANT IT NOW!” and we put the PBJ in a fucking premade pocket. How is THAT FOR SACRIFICE.
Now some of you will say that is petty and irrelevant. If you are then you are missing the big picture. Part of life is putting things together; building something if you will. You need a base and a foundation before you can build any house and that in my opinion is what growing up is. Finding yourself and who you are is the most important aspect of building a relationship because if you can’t help yourself, how can you help someone else? Most people will rush into a marriage without being fully aware of themselves just to get married and then they end up finding out about themselves (And the other person) in the process and realizing “maybe I rushed into this” when IF YOUWOULD HAVE DONE THE FUCKING RESEARCH YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO RETHINK ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like I stated before, some go directly into step three and that is the dumbest shit ever (YES, I SAID IT) because if you don’t know yourself and you can’t help another person how can you RAISE another person? A lot can be said for learning on the fly but you can’t fuck up raising a kid. We have seen several times what messing up a childhood can do to a kid. Now I am not saying that knowing yourself and knowing your partner makes you a better parent because life is dynamic, but it sure does help to run the offense if you know what plays you can run and where your receivers will be on third down.
In the end, you are dead on. You don’t need to be taken care of and you don’t need to be married. People want that because they think that is what everyone SHOULD want. I can honestly say that I know that I may or may not want kids. Depends on what my partner (Once I get enough money to by young Sun Hee from the catalog. We are in love!) wants and we will discuss that. However, marriage isn’t for some people. Kids aren’t for some people. That is what makes us who we are: our individuality. You find someone that closely resembles what you want out of life once you find out what you want and then you make a life together. That is what makes you happy, so you do that. If your parents love you, as long as you are living your life to its fullest, they shouldn’t have a problem with that. If they do, the its kind of the James Van Der Beek moment of I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE:
You got to say it all Texas like, too. Complete the illusion. Home that helps.
Question #3: How Come No One Loves Me For Me?
Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. Shit aint gonna happen though.
Okay, I take that back. RARELY is that going to happen. That is kind of what love is: never having to say I didn’t mean to put it there. In all seriousness it is VERY RARE you will find someone that will love you for exactly how you are. People who say that are really just lying. Not in a bad way, they just love each other from what they KNOW about each other. If everyone knew everything about the person they were with, odds are they would never have dated or married them. That’s just life and it is normal. Have you ever bought a car and loved EVERYTHING about it? Have you ever had a job and loved EVERYTHING about it? You even had an experience with a stripper and loved EVERYTHING about it? NO, and that is okay! One thing about love is embracing the differences between you and your mate…as long as its…constitutional. Case in point: I love J-Pop and K-Pop. LOVE IT. I have withdrawals when I don’t watch some everyday. Hell, I don’t even know a lot of Japanese or Korean but I listen to it like Usher was singing it. Every woman (Save for one who…fuuuuuuuuuck, we won’t go into that right now) who I have been involved with HATED IT. I mean some of them got kind of pissy and indignant about it, too. If there is something in your life that you like and your partner doesn’t, that’s life. It is how you address your differences that determines the love that is there. Another case in point: back in college a girl I was dating LOVED Temptation Island. She just kept talking about it to the point it was like “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” but instead I thought:
If something interests her that much, I would like to know why”
Now I was young and stupid and know aware to the evil ways of women yet so I was open to this kind of thing. Later on I found out that nothing a woman does is worth doing ever (And the stuff I want to do she usually thinks is lame, illegal or “immoral”) but still. I sat back one day after class and we watched the show and you know what? I WAS FUCKING HOOKED. It was a great show and it was a great way to spend quality time (Again, I was young a stupid. Later I found out that women are the devil). However, she still hated EVERYTHING I did (Including Big Trouble In Little China which was kind of the deal breaker) but that is to be expected because what I like only like 12 people in the country like because I am kind of an odd duck. If I could find a girl that liked anime, pro wrestling, college football, musicals, vampire hunters, sock puppets, Bath and Body Works, applesauce, Zac Efron (HE IS SO DREAMY!), talking Milkshakes and of course disco I would be the happiest man alive. That shit aint gonna happen, nor do I want it to happen because odds are my head would explode from the awesomeness. That and I am sure I named off the traits of a gay man in Hartford which makes me want to cry. Not in the good way, in the bad way like after non-consensual anal sex. Wouldn’t it be a so much easier if I were a homosexual? Geez, I am kind of down on myself. Last one, people! Let’s make it count!
Question #4: Why Are You So Apathetic About Love All The Time?
It’s called a DEFENSE MECHANISM. You see, my goal is to take all the happiness I may feel out of a situation before it starts. It was like someone once told me:
“I live a life of total apathy. Yes, you miss out on the few ground-breaking and ecstatic highs, but you avoid the more plentiful earth-shattering and soul-crushing lows. It’s a fair trade I think.”
And how. I know it sounds like a bad way to look at things but let’s look at this logically here: a woman would have to be out of her fucking mind to think about dating me. I’m crazy in the head! Did you know that I am scared of dogs with floppy ears? Those fuckers are evil! How can you tell if a dog is listening to you if it’s ears aren’t up?! Odds are that little fucker is ignoring you! You cant tell if its surprised or anything! Just one day it gnaws your face off and the police ask you “well, didn’t you see his ears turn up?!” and all you can say is no!
Secondly, and most importantly I have learned that placing stock in people is the worst place to put it. You need to find a pet or an investment firm or some shit because putting emotional stock in another person is the easiest way to fuck your shit up. Then I need an emotional bailout from the Bank of Soju and Karaoke and the only person that was good for was Jinro. Someone will get that joke and if you do you are fucking AWESOME. I guess the biggest reason…wait, this is a monumental moment here. This needs a soundtrack:
FUCK YES. Okay, here is the answer to the eternal question: why am I such a fucking jerk. The reason is…I let it happen. You see, there comes a point when you have to hold yourself accountable for the shit that has happened to you. Women, please take note of that and quit yer bitchin about how men do you wrong when you put yourself right in that situation all the time. Just saying. I can sit back and say “FUCK YOU BITCH! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT I’M UNHAPPY!” but I don’t because:
1. I’m Not Unhappy: People take my humor and logic for anger and distrust. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I love women and think they are great. I don’t trust them or take anything they say at face value but I follow that rule with everyone. People suck, woman or man.
2. It’s My Own Fool Fault: It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. If you listen to it and believe it when you know it aint true, you are more at fault than the liar. Marinate on that.
3. I’m No Walk In The Park: Ask my friends whether I am easy to deal with. I know damn well I am a DIFFICULT person to get along with a lot of times so how can I be mad because a person was difficult to deal with as well. I was no victim; I was just as much of an asshole most of the time. Hard to believe, I will admit.
4. It’s Life: E-40 once said you gotta chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. The Bank of Chachi accepts those loans and pays them every month, plus principle.
In the end, this isn’t much of an answer but I don’t believe I am down on love as much as I try to use situational logic as often as possible. I notice not a lot of people do that (Like, none of you but I can’t complain because I have been there) but at the same time, I was once told that everyone believes what they are doing is logical but it usually is never rational. Just because you are in “love” doesn’t mean you suspend common sense. Maybe I rely on rational thought too often and that is why I seem so down. It is like the Tick said about sanity:
“And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.”
Now that’s a quote to live your life by. If you want to follow the musings of a 7-foot tall invulnerable superhero that may or may not have eight legs. Which I DO.
Well, keen eyes can tell that this was a repost. It is one of my favorites so I must say I dont mind the summer repeats at all. Kind of regrouping right now so I thought I'd bring back a classic. I want to do a new Omnibus at some point so bring back them questions, peeps! I will be back maybe tomorrow, depends on how I am feeling. Until next time, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
It's Raining Blogs!
What is up, peeps?! I am back again and I am beginning to think that it is going to take a minute to get back in the groove of blogging everyday. Back when I was unemployed (And working at Qwest, which was pretty much unemployment with all the drama in a nice, Downtown Denver setting) I was blogging every day and I must say while it made for good entertainment and an excellent release…I was a fricking train wreck. But at least it was an epic train wreck.
So I have a friend out there that is going through a really rough time right now and I feel kind of bad about it. He and I have been through a lot of crap together and have helped each other out through it because that’s what homies do. He was there for me during the crazy bitch and I was there for him during…well the other crazy bitch (If you know me, you know it’s a running theme) and all the things in between from lost jobs to horrible drunken nights and all the mind-blowing highs and soul-crushing lows in between. I have been told I give great advice but don’t actually follow it which is a conundrum but it makes for an interesting life full of sitcom material. So to said person, this is for you.
Sometimes The Painful Decision To Make Is The One That Heals The Most
Yes, sometimes I am fucking cosmic. Understand, sadly making the right decision for you is painful for someone else and many people involved. When it all falls down, Dr. Deuce says that you have to find yourself first and if you put others ahead of you before you are happy then you do all a disservice. Can it be painful? Yes. Can it turn lives asunder? Yes. However, leaving when the time is right gives everyone a chance to rebuild the broken pieces. Waiting too long leave such destruction that sometimes nothing can ever be repaired. It’s why to this day whenever a woman is holding a plate I think she is going to throw it at me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I AM SO SAD RIGHT NOW! I need something to cheer me up…
SE7EN IS BACK!!! First Rain, then 4Minute and now Se7en? 2010 is officially the greatest year ever! Anyway, I got that out of the way. Just wanted to let someone out there know to keep their head up. So now back to what you came here for: to be fucking offended.
GAYS ARE GETTING MARRIED! CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!
So I have had a few blogs about gay marriage and I am all for if for nothing to piss off those fuckwits who believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. We let people in the South get married all the time and all they do is bring the median IQ down and the sales of Toby Keith up! Don’t even get me started on Black people. Mostly because Black men don’t marry Black women. BA-DUM-CHA! Anyway, I have not found one good reason why gays should not be allowed to be married. Except maybe the influx in Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” as the official wedding song of America but we were heading down that path anyway. I for one am against all marriage because I think of it like I think of a graduation for college. Much like college graduations are a celebration for other people to see “MY KID BE SMRT!” a wedding is to (personally) show other people how much they “love” each other. In this day and age where there are reality shows about people getting married for nothing more than TV time and a biscuit, I think the sanctity of marriage is and always has been bullshit so why not let everyone get in on the act? Besides, gay weddings would be like a Diddy party, Mardi Gras and an episode of Glee all wrapped into one! The first season of Glee, not that shitty ass second season. Madonna episode? EAT A DICK, FOX!
So today, because I really am trying to dodge as much work as possible (Yeah, Griff I’m back to my old ways. Black people don’t appreciate shit I know) I give you…
Chachi’s Top Five Reasons Gays Should Be Allowed To Be Married!
Reason #1: Greatest Receptions Ever!
Like I said, imagine the most awesome party you have ever been to EVER. Now imagine adding gay people, a DJ, spandex and a night full of The Weather Girl’s “It’s Raining Men”. That may be the most awesome night since Rick James went to jail. Only one group of people know how to party better than gay men and that is Ewoks:
Creepy little fuckers but man, they can FUCKING ROCK THE HOUSE! Now I know some of you will say that I am being stereotypical and that is because I am. That and you know I’m right. Besides, any excuse I can have to go out and dance to Cher and not be ridiculed is great by me. Fuck you, I like Cher.
Reason #2: It Pisses People Off
Nothing makes me happier than seeing people that hate gays upset. I mean you know how women get all weird around babies when they are wanting one? I get that same feeling when I hear a Fox News anchor bitch because gays want to exchange vows just like their bigoted asses. I am a firm believer in rights for all or rights for none because…
WHO IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL SOMEONE THAT THEY CANT DO A GOD DAMN THING, YOU FUCKING COCKMONGERS?!
Yeah, I said it. What makes a gay marriage any worse than a loveless marriage or a marriage one member is getting the shit kicked out of them for not having dinner ready on time? Don’t say that its God’s will because it’s also God’s will that the 50 Cent still exists. I don’t see anyone blaming God for his sorry ass. Yeah, I said it.
The fact so many people use the words of fictional characters to tell people they can’t do anything is ridiculous at best. Why would God even CARE if gays got married? I am sure that a deity that is SUPPOSEDLY beyond our comprehension could care less if two ladies want to ruin their lives by spending it together. Eh, I’m bitter. Either way every time a same-sex couple is married, a Christians head explodes. WIN!
Reason #3: More Exciting Weddings
What was the most exciting thing to happen at a wedding in recent memory? This:
Now YES this is interesting but if the best thing to happen at a wedding in twenty years is a bunch of White people dancing to a song of maybe the most prolific beater of a woman since Ike Turner then maybe we need to switch it up.
Reason #4: Everyone Deserves A Chance To Be Unhappy
Now we all know that the marriage rate in the United States is pretty much like playing Street Fighter II Turbo on eight stars. You CAN win, but the odds are stacked WAAAAAAY against you, especially if you are playing against Guile. TWO SONIC BOOMS ON THE SCREEN AT ONCE?! WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?! Anyway, let me calm down. I have yet to figure out why marriage is considered so sacred when so many fail miserably. Now you may say “I have been married to some person for 3,000 years and we love each other and that will never change and blahzay blah.” You are the exception and we are proud of you. Here is a nice warm I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! You are the exception, not the norm so you aren’t even part of this conversation so go be in love somewhere else, fucky. This blog is for the bitter people! Where all my bitter people at?! LOVE STINKS!
So back to the original issue. I am not saying all marriage is bad but I am saying that you shouldn’t say someone shouldn’t be allowed to have the chance to fail like opposite-sex marriages do. That’s just ignorant. Which brings me to my last point.
Reason #5: Marriage Isn’t About Religion, It’s About…What The Fuck IS Marriage About?
I have always stood behind the fact that Joe Millionaire killed the concept of marriage in my opinion. The fact that there are shows that are willing to pawn off the “sanctity” of marriage for a pop in ratings shows that marriage means jack shit to those who can do it and has nothing to do with religion unless you worship money which is the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about and I will address later in other blogs if the peeps would like. Marriage offers tax benefits and rights that straight people don’t want them queers and dykes to have…that’s the bottom line. You can say what you want but the bible states nothing of circumstance about gays NOT being allowed to marry and secondly…and prepare yourself for this one…
THE BIBLE IS A BOOK OF FICTION WITH FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!
I will let that settle for a second. You are basing the right of people being able to enjoy the rights that every straight person enjoys…over a book of anecdotes and poorly written fables. Now THAT is just plain wrong. That is coming from someone that enjoys the thought of panda fur suits lined with chinchilla fur. FUCK PANDAS. In the end, marriage is about love, not your religion. If you are willing to block people in love from showing that in the form of a marriage license and ceremony...then you are no better than a fucking Nazi. Congrats, douchebags.
So with all that said, I will just restate what I always state about the topic of gay marriage: who in the fuck are you to say who does or does not have the right to get married? For the most part I’m not concerned with the actual aspect of marriage (It’s all EVIL) but I am not for denying anyone of their rights at any point in time. That might shock some of you that think you know me…but you obviously don’t know me very well, then.
So that is all for today. Who knows what tomorrow brings (Hopefully soju and galbi but who knows, it’s only the middle of the week) but I do know this: I’m awesome and so are you. Remember that, peeps. Except for Little Billy in Roanoke. FUCK YOU BILLY AND YOUR CANCER!
Chachi Out
So I have a friend out there that is going through a really rough time right now and I feel kind of bad about it. He and I have been through a lot of crap together and have helped each other out through it because that’s what homies do. He was there for me during the crazy bitch and I was there for him during…well the other crazy bitch (If you know me, you know it’s a running theme) and all the things in between from lost jobs to horrible drunken nights and all the mind-blowing highs and soul-crushing lows in between. I have been told I give great advice but don’t actually follow it which is a conundrum but it makes for an interesting life full of sitcom material. So to said person, this is for you.
Sometimes The Painful Decision To Make Is The One That Heals The Most
Yes, sometimes I am fucking cosmic. Understand, sadly making the right decision for you is painful for someone else and many people involved. When it all falls down, Dr. Deuce says that you have to find yourself first and if you put others ahead of you before you are happy then you do all a disservice. Can it be painful? Yes. Can it turn lives asunder? Yes. However, leaving when the time is right gives everyone a chance to rebuild the broken pieces. Waiting too long leave such destruction that sometimes nothing can ever be repaired. It’s why to this day whenever a woman is holding a plate I think she is going to throw it at me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I AM SO SAD RIGHT NOW! I need something to cheer me up…
SE7EN IS BACK!!! First Rain, then 4Minute and now Se7en? 2010 is officially the greatest year ever! Anyway, I got that out of the way. Just wanted to let someone out there know to keep their head up. So now back to what you came here for: to be fucking offended.
GAYS ARE GETTING MARRIED! CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!
So I have had a few blogs about gay marriage and I am all for if for nothing to piss off those fuckwits who believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. We let people in the South get married all the time and all they do is bring the median IQ down and the sales of Toby Keith up! Don’t even get me started on Black people. Mostly because Black men don’t marry Black women. BA-DUM-CHA! Anyway, I have not found one good reason why gays should not be allowed to be married. Except maybe the influx in Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” as the official wedding song of America but we were heading down that path anyway. I for one am against all marriage because I think of it like I think of a graduation for college. Much like college graduations are a celebration for other people to see “MY KID BE SMRT!” a wedding is to (personally) show other people how much they “love” each other. In this day and age where there are reality shows about people getting married for nothing more than TV time and a biscuit, I think the sanctity of marriage is and always has been bullshit so why not let everyone get in on the act? Besides, gay weddings would be like a Diddy party, Mardi Gras and an episode of Glee all wrapped into one! The first season of Glee, not that shitty ass second season. Madonna episode? EAT A DICK, FOX!
So today, because I really am trying to dodge as much work as possible (Yeah, Griff I’m back to my old ways. Black people don’t appreciate shit I know) I give you…
Chachi’s Top Five Reasons Gays Should Be Allowed To Be Married!
Reason #1: Greatest Receptions Ever!
Like I said, imagine the most awesome party you have ever been to EVER. Now imagine adding gay people, a DJ, spandex and a night full of The Weather Girl’s “It’s Raining Men”. That may be the most awesome night since Rick James went to jail. Only one group of people know how to party better than gay men and that is Ewoks:
Creepy little fuckers but man, they can FUCKING ROCK THE HOUSE! Now I know some of you will say that I am being stereotypical and that is because I am. That and you know I’m right. Besides, any excuse I can have to go out and dance to Cher and not be ridiculed is great by me. Fuck you, I like Cher.
Reason #2: It Pisses People Off
Nothing makes me happier than seeing people that hate gays upset. I mean you know how women get all weird around babies when they are wanting one? I get that same feeling when I hear a Fox News anchor bitch because gays want to exchange vows just like their bigoted asses. I am a firm believer in rights for all or rights for none because…
WHO IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL SOMEONE THAT THEY CANT DO A GOD DAMN THING, YOU FUCKING COCKMONGERS?!
Yeah, I said it. What makes a gay marriage any worse than a loveless marriage or a marriage one member is getting the shit kicked out of them for not having dinner ready on time? Don’t say that its God’s will because it’s also God’s will that the 50 Cent still exists. I don’t see anyone blaming God for his sorry ass. Yeah, I said it.
The fact so many people use the words of fictional characters to tell people they can’t do anything is ridiculous at best. Why would God even CARE if gays got married? I am sure that a deity that is SUPPOSEDLY beyond our comprehension could care less if two ladies want to ruin their lives by spending it together. Eh, I’m bitter. Either way every time a same-sex couple is married, a Christians head explodes. WIN!
Reason #3: More Exciting Weddings
What was the most exciting thing to happen at a wedding in recent memory? This:
Now YES this is interesting but if the best thing to happen at a wedding in twenty years is a bunch of White people dancing to a song of maybe the most prolific beater of a woman since Ike Turner then maybe we need to switch it up.
Reason #4: Everyone Deserves A Chance To Be Unhappy
Now we all know that the marriage rate in the United States is pretty much like playing Street Fighter II Turbo on eight stars. You CAN win, but the odds are stacked WAAAAAAY against you, especially if you are playing against Guile. TWO SONIC BOOMS ON THE SCREEN AT ONCE?! WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?! Anyway, let me calm down. I have yet to figure out why marriage is considered so sacred when so many fail miserably. Now you may say “I have been married to some person for 3,000 years and we love each other and that will never change and blahzay blah.” You are the exception and we are proud of you. Here is a nice warm I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! You are the exception, not the norm so you aren’t even part of this conversation so go be in love somewhere else, fucky. This blog is for the bitter people! Where all my bitter people at?! LOVE STINKS!
So back to the original issue. I am not saying all marriage is bad but I am saying that you shouldn’t say someone shouldn’t be allowed to have the chance to fail like opposite-sex marriages do. That’s just ignorant. Which brings me to my last point.
Reason #5: Marriage Isn’t About Religion, It’s About…What The Fuck IS Marriage About?
I have always stood behind the fact that Joe Millionaire killed the concept of marriage in my opinion. The fact that there are shows that are willing to pawn off the “sanctity” of marriage for a pop in ratings shows that marriage means jack shit to those who can do it and has nothing to do with religion unless you worship money which is the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about and I will address later in other blogs if the peeps would like. Marriage offers tax benefits and rights that straight people don’t want them queers and dykes to have…that’s the bottom line. You can say what you want but the bible states nothing of circumstance about gays NOT being allowed to marry and secondly…and prepare yourself for this one…
THE BIBLE IS A BOOK OF FICTION WITH FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!
I will let that settle for a second. You are basing the right of people being able to enjoy the rights that every straight person enjoys…over a book of anecdotes and poorly written fables. Now THAT is just plain wrong. That is coming from someone that enjoys the thought of panda fur suits lined with chinchilla fur. FUCK PANDAS. In the end, marriage is about love, not your religion. If you are willing to block people in love from showing that in the form of a marriage license and ceremony...then you are no better than a fucking Nazi. Congrats, douchebags.
So with all that said, I will just restate what I always state about the topic of gay marriage: who in the fuck are you to say who does or does not have the right to get married? For the most part I’m not concerned with the actual aspect of marriage (It’s all EVIL) but I am not for denying anyone of their rights at any point in time. That might shock some of you that think you know me…but you obviously don’t know me very well, then.
So that is all for today. Who knows what tomorrow brings (Hopefully soju and galbi but who knows, it’s only the middle of the week) but I do know this: I’m awesome and so are you. Remember that, peeps. Except for Little Billy in Roanoke. FUCK YOU BILLY AND YOUR CANCER!
Chachi Out
Monday, July 26, 2010
If Being Apart Makes The Heart Grow Fonder, You People Must Want To Love Me Down...
Alright, people. It has been a long time. I shouldn’t have left you. Without a dope blog to step to! THE CHACHI IS BACK! DOIN THE FRANKLIN IN THE 2010, SUCKAS! If you don’t know what the Franklin is, tune in because I will get into it more on later posts. I have been gone for about three months and man...whoa.
Anyway, how have you all been? Good? That’s nice to hear. I have been neglecting you all and I want to apologize. Except for little Billy in Roanoke. Fuck you, Billy I don’t give a shit if you do have cancer of the head. FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT! To the rest of you, it’s time to bring back what you have all missed over the last four months or so…THE PAIN!
WU-TANG! Good to be back, peeps. Now that pleasantries are out of the fucking way, it is time to get back to business. It has been a while since I have ranted and since I began following the teachings of the one I call Dr. Deuce. Now he doesn’t have one of those fancy smancy DOCTORATE or those “books” that people read but he has a Bachelors in Communications and a minor in Women’s Studies so he has been bestowed the title of doctor by a much higher authority. Now at first he seemed a bit crazy, mostly because he is but he told me to start meditating but drink more and now my anger and loathing has turned into apathy and wanton disregard for the feelings and wants of others. It is a great place to be…but you don’t get invited to many parties.
So I am officially writing TWO books. One is a collection of my blogs (“The Life and Times of Chachi: Blogs at the Speed of Rage” which I am on Chapter 8!) and the second is going to be called “Being The Best You That You Can Be” by Dr. Deuce McGillicuty. Yeah, the title is a work in progress. Here is a quick snippit! For the peeps, I spoil!
Rule #3: Putting Yourself First Isn’t Bad If It Is Used For Your Own Good
Now people always say that you have to look out for the emotional well being of others when you do what you do. Now the Deuce is all for making sure that everyone else is happy and has their moments but really…is it worth it at the expense of you? If you spend time helping others and making sure they are happy you will usually do it at the expense of your own self. Now you can sit back and say “NO DR. DEUCE YOU’RE WRONG!” and to that I will say…fuck you this is my book. Secondly I will ask you to perform a little exercise on yourself:
How Often Do You Feel Unappreciated By People You Consider Friends?
A. Never! My friends are down like Circuit City stocks in the late 2000’s!
B. Almost never. I have a few associates I ponder why I hang with but for the most part I have a stable and too live crew.
C. Sometimes. I feel like half my time is spent helping friends and the other half is spent bitching to other friends HOW MUCH I HELP MY OTHER FRIENDS!
D. Almost always. I have one person I trust and they are less a friend, more of a shrink to tell about the bullshit that happens from my other “friends”
E. I AM A DOORMAT!
Now if you are a D or an E you are definitely doing it fucking wrong. Your best friend HAS TO BE YOURSELF. If you can’t trust yourself to do what is best for you how can you fucking trust anyone to give a shit about what is best for you? Just like Foxy Brown stated in “Big Bad Mama” aint nobody gonna love you like you and if you don’t love yourself others won’t love you. The most important person in your life should be you. Yes, that includes if you have children. Those little bastards would kill you for a kidney for sustenance if the proper moment arose and don’t think they wouldn’t. Remember, behind the glowing eyes of a child’s smile is an evil that cannot be imagined.
Now back to my original point. The Doctor knows that it is hard to look in the mirror and tell yourself ABOUT yourself and what is wrong with you and taking to task how to fix it. We as people don’t like to fix things ourselves, it is why we outsource shit and use illegal labor to build our garages and handle our technical support. Doing things ourselves and fixing problems is trying and in some cases devastating to accept. However, it is like not taking care of a small anthill in a garden. You let it go because it’s small and isn’t really causing major problems but then more ants are born and the hill gets bigger and bigger until you have super ants with ray guns and crazy six-legged martial arts skills ransacking your rutabagas.
Now giant sized ant problems aside, I am sure you are asking what you can do to make sure that you make yourself happy first so you can make others happy. Well, the Doctor is glad you asked:
1. Love Yourself First: No one will love you if you don’t love yourself.
2. Find Those That Love Themselves: If you associate with those that hate themselves as much as you do, you have something in common but it doesn’t mean it is A GOOD THING.
3. Block And Tackle: The friends you should have, like Katt Williams once said, should block a lot of the drama and help you tackle your problems. If your friends are an obstacle to your happiness or block you from goals, drop them zeros and get with some heroes.
4. Talk To Yourself: Not just when there is no one to talk to. CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS, FOOL!
Hells yeah, kicking it old school! In all seriousness, you should take at least ten minutes a day to just talk to yourself. Have a chat with the most important person in your life, the one that can make the most changes to benefit you…and that is you. If you aren’t talking with yourself to see what is working and what isn’t then you are just going to keep on doing the same thing that hasn’t worked for you. And that’s just ignant.
Remember, Dr. Deuce’s advice is professional advice from a REAL DOCTOR. At least that’s what his degrees on the wall said. College University State is a real school, right? Anyway, I will post more from Dr. Deuce as I have more sessions. Until then, let me just say that it is good to be back. I missed the peeps and I appreciate the fans and all the emails you guys sent. It shows that someone was listening and gave me a reason to actually DO this blog. Either way…for better or for worse…THE KING IS BACK!
Man, I LOVE THAT FRICKING SONG. And now it pleases me to say once again with feeling…
Chachi Out.
(I so missed that!)
Anyway, how have you all been? Good? That’s nice to hear. I have been neglecting you all and I want to apologize. Except for little Billy in Roanoke. Fuck you, Billy I don’t give a shit if you do have cancer of the head. FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT! To the rest of you, it’s time to bring back what you have all missed over the last four months or so…THE PAIN!
WU-TANG! Good to be back, peeps. Now that pleasantries are out of the fucking way, it is time to get back to business. It has been a while since I have ranted and since I began following the teachings of the one I call Dr. Deuce. Now he doesn’t have one of those fancy smancy DOCTORATE or those “books” that people read but he has a Bachelors in Communications and a minor in Women’s Studies so he has been bestowed the title of doctor by a much higher authority. Now at first he seemed a bit crazy, mostly because he is but he told me to start meditating but drink more and now my anger and loathing has turned into apathy and wanton disregard for the feelings and wants of others. It is a great place to be…but you don’t get invited to many parties.
So I am officially writing TWO books. One is a collection of my blogs (“The Life and Times of Chachi: Blogs at the Speed of Rage” which I am on Chapter 8!) and the second is going to be called “Being The Best You That You Can Be” by Dr. Deuce McGillicuty. Yeah, the title is a work in progress. Here is a quick snippit! For the peeps, I spoil!
Rule #3: Putting Yourself First Isn’t Bad If It Is Used For Your Own Good
Now people always say that you have to look out for the emotional well being of others when you do what you do. Now the Deuce is all for making sure that everyone else is happy and has their moments but really…is it worth it at the expense of you? If you spend time helping others and making sure they are happy you will usually do it at the expense of your own self. Now you can sit back and say “NO DR. DEUCE YOU’RE WRONG!” and to that I will say…fuck you this is my book. Secondly I will ask you to perform a little exercise on yourself:
How Often Do You Feel Unappreciated By People You Consider Friends?
A. Never! My friends are down like Circuit City stocks in the late 2000’s!
B. Almost never. I have a few associates I ponder why I hang with but for the most part I have a stable and too live crew.
C. Sometimes. I feel like half my time is spent helping friends and the other half is spent bitching to other friends HOW MUCH I HELP MY OTHER FRIENDS!
D. Almost always. I have one person I trust and they are less a friend, more of a shrink to tell about the bullshit that happens from my other “friends”
E. I AM A DOORMAT!
Now if you are a D or an E you are definitely doing it fucking wrong. Your best friend HAS TO BE YOURSELF. If you can’t trust yourself to do what is best for you how can you fucking trust anyone to give a shit about what is best for you? Just like Foxy Brown stated in “Big Bad Mama” aint nobody gonna love you like you and if you don’t love yourself others won’t love you. The most important person in your life should be you. Yes, that includes if you have children. Those little bastards would kill you for a kidney for sustenance if the proper moment arose and don’t think they wouldn’t. Remember, behind the glowing eyes of a child’s smile is an evil that cannot be imagined.
Now back to my original point. The Doctor knows that it is hard to look in the mirror and tell yourself ABOUT yourself and what is wrong with you and taking to task how to fix it. We as people don’t like to fix things ourselves, it is why we outsource shit and use illegal labor to build our garages and handle our technical support. Doing things ourselves and fixing problems is trying and in some cases devastating to accept. However, it is like not taking care of a small anthill in a garden. You let it go because it’s small and isn’t really causing major problems but then more ants are born and the hill gets bigger and bigger until you have super ants with ray guns and crazy six-legged martial arts skills ransacking your rutabagas.
Now giant sized ant problems aside, I am sure you are asking what you can do to make sure that you make yourself happy first so you can make others happy. Well, the Doctor is glad you asked:
1. Love Yourself First: No one will love you if you don’t love yourself.
2. Find Those That Love Themselves: If you associate with those that hate themselves as much as you do, you have something in common but it doesn’t mean it is A GOOD THING.
3. Block And Tackle: The friends you should have, like Katt Williams once said, should block a lot of the drama and help you tackle your problems. If your friends are an obstacle to your happiness or block you from goals, drop them zeros and get with some heroes.
4. Talk To Yourself: Not just when there is no one to talk to. CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS, FOOL!
Hells yeah, kicking it old school! In all seriousness, you should take at least ten minutes a day to just talk to yourself. Have a chat with the most important person in your life, the one that can make the most changes to benefit you…and that is you. If you aren’t talking with yourself to see what is working and what isn’t then you are just going to keep on doing the same thing that hasn’t worked for you. And that’s just ignant.
Remember, Dr. Deuce’s advice is professional advice from a REAL DOCTOR. At least that’s what his degrees on the wall said. College University State is a real school, right? Anyway, I will post more from Dr. Deuce as I have more sessions. Until then, let me just say that it is good to be back. I missed the peeps and I appreciate the fans and all the emails you guys sent. It shows that someone was listening and gave me a reason to actually DO this blog. Either way…for better or for worse…THE KING IS BACK!
Man, I LOVE THAT FRICKING SONG. And now it pleases me to say once again with feeling…
Chachi Out.
(I so missed that!)
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