First things first: I hate the people in Colorado Springs. You non-driving, inbred, redneck fucktards need to DIE SLOW. Three open lanes and you chill in the merging lane?! See, this is why I don’t carry a gun because I would sho’nuff thin out the fucking ranks. Yet if I eliminate this person and make the world better for the smart people, I GO TO JAIL. Where is the damn justice?
So I am watching what is arguably the most ELECTRIFYING DVD to ever grace the planet Earth as I just picked up The Rock’s DVD:
Aaaaaaand I just came again. If you hate The Rock, you hate America. Now if THE ROCK were running for president I am sure no country would ever mess with us. It is more of a retrospective seeing as how I am about 25 minutes in and I HAVENT SEEN THE ROCK YET but hey, I am happy just to have The Rock vs. Chris Jericho for the Undisputed Title. I will put that up there with most matches as one of the best ever and I may have marked out harder for that than I did for Ricky Steamboat beating Randy Savage at Wrestlemania III. I also enjoy him kicking the shit out of Triple H. Sir Snoz pisses me off so much.
So a while back a certain female out there asked me a question that at the time I didn’t answer because it wasn’t pertinent to our drunken discussion (Or it may have been, I think we were talking about being shallow but I was about four vodka & tonics in so my memory is sketchy) but I think it needs to be addressed since people seem to think I am anti-woman and think they are less than people. That could not be more farther from the truth and right on the button despite being so incorrectly right. To paraphrase what she asked:
“So what ISN’T a deal breaker when choosing a woman to date?’
Let me preface this by the fact that she asked me about her tattoo (Which narrows it down to about….99.93 percent of the women I know. And the one without one BETTER NOT GET ONE UNLESS IT IS OF A SILVER SNAKE! LEGEND OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE, FOOL!) and I pretty much told her I think that they are stupid and that I am not a fan but that is just me and she responded with “WAH WAH WAH WAH-WAH-WAH-GOOBADY GOO.” I kid, I kid that’s how all women sound to me. I KID! She said something about are tattoos a deal breaker and I said “no, because that would rule out about 80% of the 21-30 age range” which sadly is about true. It got me to thinking, especially about how I have done three….well, two and a half rants about how being shallow isn’t effective if you ever want to find someone that isn’t a fucktard, whore, douchebag or crazy bitch. Please understand, when I say I don’t like tattoos or multiple peircings or women voting that doesn’t mean you are a bad person and that doesn’t mean I will say “You have a tattoo of a butterfly on the small of your back?! UNCLEAN! BEGONE TROLLOP WHORE TO YOUR HOME ON WHORE ISLAND!” even if I SHOULD because that is not cool. I wouldn’t want someone saying I’m undatable because I am Mayor McFattie. I am undateable because I love too much….and I am fucking nuts. Either way, I wanted to address a few things because it is what I do here on the Passion of Chachi and quite simply…I’M AWESOME!
Chachi’s Break or Don’t Break!
Deal Breaker: Your Religion
Now you all know I could give a rats ass who you pray to just as long as you don’t expect ME to pray to your pussy-ass god. Now since most people (Females especially) spit on the Bible or Torah or Quran or Chronicles of Narnia or whatever book of bullshit you follow just by waking up in the morning I don’t care about how you live your life in a religious aspect. I had dated a Mormon in college and she wanted me to go to church with her one time. Her father put the KABOSH on that shit real quick and I knew it would happen. Don’t even get me started on the conversation I had with a certain woman that will remain nameless but this is how it went:
Her: So don’t believe in God?
Me: I believe in Jack Burton. Does that count?
Her: Who is Jack Burton?
Me: Porkchop…never mind. No, I don’t believe in the Christian god nor anyone else’s. To believe in one discounts all others way of life and believes which in its essence makes you a bad person.
Her: Well you ARE a bad person if you don’t believe in Jesus Christ.
Me: ….what in the BLOODY FUCK is your PROBLEM, woman?!
Surprisingly, we lasted three more months before we got fed up with the lies. Well, I gave up listening to and believing in the lies and she got tired of telling them I guess. It’s a lot harder to live the lie than to just admit it. BTW, I should be slapped a lot more, honestly. That was uncalled for and FUNNY AS SHIT! However, most people would see that as mean while I see that as good clean, humor. Anyway, I don’t have a religion and I honestly don’t mind if you have one. DO NOT try to convert me to your religion and think that pussy will make me do it because if you give it up before you are married…you are going to hell. So all you unwed and divorced mothers say hello to Hilter and Martin Luther King Jr. for me. Shouldn’t have been sexing up the white women. That sweet, sweet white sugar aint for darkies you chubby cheeked monkey! I don’t mind if you are religious but that is one thing that I will NOT back down on. Just because you believe in Jebus or Moses doesn’t mean I have to. Fuck a bowl of matzo ball soup. Give me some BUKKAKE!
Udon. You are so nasty!
NOT A Deal Breaker: Tattoos
WHAT?! After all the shit I talk about women with tattoos they arent a deal breaker when it comes to dating one? Hell no because they all have one. It is like saying I won’t draft an NFL player because the dude smoked weed. Or saying I won’t date a woman that sucked another man’s’ dick. They all have, that’s why women brush their teeth so much. Isn’t it? In all seriousness here. I am not a fan of tattoos and never have been. Never will be, either. However, I have never judged anyone with a tattoo and never will because we all do things that aren’t the brightest. Hell, I used to have an S-Curl. It didn’t scar me and be something that at 50 won’t look like such a good idea but man, I pray there are no pictures of that time. I looked like I was a member of Troop:
KICKING IT OLD SCHOOL! Sorry, back to my point. Some of my best friends have tattoos both male and female. Mostly female because my male friends (Aside from Copper who has the tribal band. BRO!) don’t have tattoos because they pretty much run under the same creedo that I do: Tattoos are for: Yakuza members, prisoners to represent street warfare and Pete from “Adventures of Pete and Pete”. If you aint one of them, you just wasted some ink and scarred yourself for life. That doesn’t make you a bad person and doesn’t mean you can’t be the object of my affection…but it does make me wonder about you ability to not succumb to peer pressure because that is what you did. Oh, and if you are religious AND have a tattoo the rules are different. You fucking suck.
Let’s keep on going, shall we?
NOT A Deal Breaker: Having An Abortion
You killed a baby in cold blood? YOU ARE FUCKING AWESOME! Seriously, the first time a girl told me she had an abortion in a way that she thought it would make me think poorly of her was when I was in college. She was a year younger than I was which made me think that keeping her legs closed was a better idea but say lah vee and all that jazz. She thought I would be upset and not like her anymore which was awkward but understandable. Let me explain something right here and now: I am not pro-choice, I am anti-baby. The fewer the babies in this world the safer we are. Santa can deliver presents faster and we can finally be free of children’s programming. As a woman I don’t give a fuck what you do with your body because life begins when those in power say so. Is your body and if you feel like ending a life then go for it. Think of it like The Sims when you don’t feed your Sim or let it go to the bathroom….then suck it out of the house with a vacuum cleaner. As long as you are okay and you feel it was the best decision there aint a damn thing anyone can say. Unless you use it as a form of birth control. You KNOW how babies are made and you KNOW where they come from. After the first one, I think you should have to go through an obstacle course or something because condoms are a lot cheaper than a visit to the Roto-rooter. Hell, swallowing is free! Aaaaaaand that’s why no woman will ever love me: they don’t know funny.
Deal Breaker: Fucking Nick Cannon
Yes, I do ask that of you so be prepared. That shit is gross and if you have done it then you officially have the Yak Clap. Fuck Nick Cannon, say no to the Chachi. YOU’RE CUT OFF!
Well, now you know more about me. I will try to be back up tomorrow night as Thursday I will be in Denver for a conference all day until around 11pm so the Countdown will either be on Thursday or Saturday. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
