Okay, I have a question: HOW MANY VERSIONS OF “LAST CHRISTMAS” ARE TRULY NEEDED?! I mean I wanted to download the Cascada version (I lost it when I switched hard drives a few months back, I guess) and I saw these different remakes:
• Ashley Tisdale: Okay, you all know I have a soft spot in my heart (And a hard spot in my pants. WHOA, CAN I GET SOME?!) for the High School Musical cast because I love musicals but there are some people that should NOT touch this song. I’m sorry, baby. I love you but you are no George Michael. This version of the song…sounds like it should be in “High School Musical 4: Wildcats Christmas Vacation. Her voice isn’t good and it doesn’t do the song justice. However, it isn’t HORRIBLE, just not as awesome as the original.
• Carrie Underwood: NO. I don’t care if you liked that “When He Cheats” song or whatever the fuck it is called. I hate this bitch and I hate anything that comes out of her mouth. She is the female version of Jared Leto (Famous for no real reason, and should be attacked by rabid guinea pigs) and that mother fucker better NEVER cover last Christmas or I will skullfuck his cat. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, FUCKER. Do “The Kill” and nothing else…jackass. Anyway, as you can tell she sucks, country really sucks and combine the two with my favorite Christmas song and you have a recipe for auditory rape.
• Savage Garden: Okay, little known fact about me. Prepare yourself because this is a fucking doozy….I don’t hate Savage Garden. Now I don’t LIKE Savage Garden but I nothing they have done has ever pissed me off to no end, unlike Semisonic. I HATE “CLOSING TIME” SO STOP PLAYING IT BECAUSE YOUR SHITTY ASS BAR IS CLOSING FOR THE NIGHT! Although, if I am at a bar late enough to HEAR “Closing Time” then I guess I am the one with the problem. Either way, I downloaded this version and you know what? I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it. Copper, we are officially replacing Kajagoogoo with Savage Garden for the pinnacle of mediocrity. That’s what this song is: holiday season average greetings.
• Hillary Duff: You know what? I really thought I downloaded the Ashley Tisdale version twice. Seriously, their voices are that indistinguishable. What is even sadder is that neither one of them can sing. You know, none of these teen queens have a voice that is any different from the other. Vanessa Hudgens, Hillary, Ashly, Miley Cyrus, the chick from “Camp Rock” (Which I refuse to watch, I don’t care how gay I seem to be) and the chick that is banging the other Jonas Brother (Are they the new fucking Wayans? I mean seriously!) all sound the fucking same and I have to say it doesn’t bode well for the musical future. I mean, remember Debbie Gibson?:
She wrote AND sang her own songs…and stole my heart. WITH HER MUSIC! Either way, this version was really “meh” and I am pissed I wasted bandwidth that could have been more effectively used for porn. Lots of porn.
• Jimmy Eat World: Okay, I like Jimmy Eat World. Always have and oddly enough I really like this version of the song. There was a time I stopped listening to them (And is SO wasn’t because of a woman when I was in college…totally wasn’t) but I didn’t even know they made a version. I guess everyone has it is just about finding it but this is one of my favorites not done by Wham themselves.
• Taylor Swift: I so stand corrected. Taylor Swift is the new word for the mastery of mediocrity. I mean it is better than Carrie Underwood’s version but it’s just so…BLAH. I mean geez, say what you will about hip hop but at least they have interesting (Albeit dumb as shit) characters. I mean, you have a former drug dealer and...a former drug dealer. Wait…
• Crazy Frog: You know what? Fuck that little fucker. He ruined what sounded like it was going to be a pretty kick ass tune. Yes, the first 35 seconds or so of this song are great until the actual fucking frog shows up. Who in the hell thought that was a good idea, anyway?! How drunk must you be to think a talking frog is a good idea?! The only good talking frog is Dig’Em and that is only because he be diggin’ them Smacks!
• Rap Remix (WHO MADE THIS SHIT?!): HOOBA JOOBA WHA?! I don’t know who was on this monstrosity, but you need to be arrested for fucking up a classic! WHAT IN THE HELL?! My god, I may have to kill someone and drink their blood for sustenance to get past this piece of shit.
• Whigfield (Techno Remix): Hmm. You know, this version wasn’t BAD. I could totally see this playing right now in The Balcony in Boise (It was faboo, wasn’t it Copper? Ah, the lulz) but it is just a little too…techno. Not a lot but for a Christmas song it is a tad bit of overkill.
• Cascada: My favorite cover not called “This Woman’s Work” by Maxwell. Seriously, this is a version that you have to listen to with the windows up but it is SO WORTH IT! Such a guilty pleasure of mine:
I also have to say that I would like to make slow, sweet love to that by the yulelog. Yeah, baby.
Okay, I am out for now. I will be back up tomorrow with the Countdown and hopefully this weekend with an update. I start the commute on Monday so updates may not be as frequent as usual but I will try my best to give the peeps what they want. Stay up until then, peeps.
Chachi Out
