What is up, peeps! This is an early morning update as I have just come to a realization that there is no way in hell that I can get a woman the way I am so I am just going to keep it real. The next woman to hate on the Poke Rap is getting punched in the fucking babymaker. The Pokerap is the ballinest rap since the “Kat Strut” by MC Skat Kat:
We can boogie….ON DOWN! So I went to the mall to pick up a birthday present and I was disgusted by the amount of bros there. It was just scary because they ALL LOOK THE FUCKING SAME. White people are fucking idiots. You heard me. Niggas AT LEAST look different….albeit stupid and gaudy as fuck. It is one thing to look like a tool but it a whole other level of douchery to look like the tool standing next to you. I mean since when was disheveled hair, cargo shorts (tres gay!), an Abercrombie and Fitch tee shirt and a fucking trucker hat fashion? Or the beanie that is also a fucking hat. I HATE THAT SHIT! Even niggas gave that shit up because they thought it was tacky. If niggas think something is tacky then you KNOW it is a fashion faux pas because if there is one thing niggas love, it is the ugliest shit on the rack. That isn’t fashion! Versace would be rolling his flaming gay ass over in his grave if he saw that shit!
Now I am sure a lot of you are still unsure on 1) why I despise bros and 2) what exactly a bro is. Well here are a few signs that you may be a bro. I do this because a female friend said she was branching out her horizons by dating outside of her comfort zone of bros (which she had never heard of. WHAT THE FUCK, BELLANIE?!) and she told me about him and….he was a fucking bro. So to help out, here are some signs that either you are or you are dating a bro if you don’t know. And if so, you should shoot yourself in the face. Right now.
1. Your Name Sounds Like A Reject From “The Dukes of Hazard”: This goes for assholes named Luke, Beau (Bo if you REALLY want to scream “inbred bumpkin), Chase, Bryce (Or Brice), Evan (What the fuck is that shit?! Gayest name EVER!), Lance (Situational), Keith, Derrick, or any combinations of initials. EVER. Oh, and Trevor is making its way up the bro ranks as well.
2. You Own A Pair Of Sandals: Unless you are a Muslim or Jesus…who is FUCKING DEAD AND NEVER COMING BACK (Or existed. I SO WENT THERE, CHRISTIANS. BRING IT)….you should not have sandals. Feet are fucking nasty, especially when you have been playing Frisbee Golf all day. Sandals are gay, and as was Jesus if he was real. Muslims are just hot as fuck and need the air on their feet. Speaking of Frisbee Golf…
3. You Play Frisbee Golf: Way to make a gay ass sport even gayer. The only way I thought golf could be any gayer is if they performed reach-rounds for every hole-in-one (Wow…unintended double endure) but here I stand…corrected. Frisbee just screams lame AND gay. The name even sounds like a dance gay men do to a Cher or Gloria Gaynor song. And I have seen gays dance and it would be infinitly cooler than that shitty ass…game? What in the hell is Frisbee Golf, anyway? FUCK!
4. You Own A Pair Of Cargo Shorts: Unless you are on safari, if you wear cargo shorts you are a fucking bro and you fucking suck. No, hunting for bros DOESN’T COUNT.
5. You Listen To Any Band Of Dudes Playing Acoustic Guitar: Now this was hard for me because I like John Mayer. But let’s face it: if you listen to DMB or Jack Johnson you are too bro to function. Here is a newsflash: DAVE MATTHEWS BAND HAD ONE GOOD SONG! It was “Ants Marching” and the rest can fucking go to hell. Jack Johnson never had a good song. That one from “Curious George” had its moments, though.
6. You Drink A LOT Of Beer. CHEAP BEER: Okay, now beer isn’t exactly top dollar drinking (It all tastes like reticulated monkey ass. Don’t ask how I know) but if you are going to put that nastiness in your system at LEAST get something better than Coors Light or Nati Ice. Yes, I laughed my ASS OFF at that joke in “Bro Rape” because at my first kegger in Aurora they had Coors Light, Bud Light and Natural Ice. I hated the first to so I tried the Nati and didn’t drink beer again until I had a Blue Moon while I was working at The Q. Cheap beer makes it so you don’t feel bad about wasting money on something to play ping-pong with.
7. You Use Axe Body Spray Like It’s The Antidote For Douchery: You all know how I feel about Axe Body spray. It is NOT an alternative to cologne (No matter how “pretentious” bitches think cologne is. It isn’t FOR you so shut the fuck up) or bathing. I mean I really don’t care about the bros when it comes to Axe. I just wonder how women can put up with this ridiculousness:
If they made a scent for women that smelled like chicken or Hennessey and marketed it with a whole bunch of Black men running around out of control like monkeys I would be pissed off and I wouldn’t stand for it. Yet, women stand for this shit. It’s why you never get any damn where. This isn’t “The Accused” so aint nobody holding you down but you.
But I digress as that last comment was besides the point. I wouldn’t have a problem with bros if they weren’t used as the benchmark for what is fashionable and the norm among males 25-34. Surprisingly, the 16-24 demographic falls under that umbrella too because at the mall it looked like bro rape is starting earlier and earlier (as evident by the two dudes wrestling and playfully blowing each other’s hair at the Dairy Queen. I don’t need no bro four play with my fucking Blizzard. Thanks) as all young white men look the exact same. Much like young women did about four years ago. Although that really hasn’t changed as they pretty much look like their older counterpart except (Hopefully) less used up mentally and emotionally. However, if television is any indicator they are even more fucked up now at a younger age which makes me scared for the future.
So this is part one of a two part post as the second part will either be late Saturday night or on Sunday. Either way, there WILL be a sequel. Hell, it may be tonight because I feel like SHIT right now so I ain’t going to Denver after all. If I die, be sure to bury with my stuff because you KNOW IT’S MINE! Until next rant, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
