What is up, peeps! The Countdown came a week early but don’t worry. It will be on your normal Friday schedule next week! The reason it came a day early is I have done something that I have never done. I am actually going to make some changes this year. No, not resolutions because those are for pussies. I am making massive changes. Overhauls if you will. I am going all out because everything sucks and it is time to follow my own advice and man up. It…..is REVOLUTION TIME, BITCHES! So, for the first time ever, I give to you….
Chachi’s New Year’s Revolutions!
New Year’s Revolution #1: Drink More, Eat Less.
Yes, the Deuce is going to attempt to slim down. It isn’t for others as much as I really, REALLY like fashion. I have been slimming down SOME but I am just thinking about hitting up the full blown crack. I mean I know it is not going to happen overnight and I know I have to cut back on the key lime pie (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) but at the same time, I want to shop in the regular people store. And I don’t want to be that guy that is so fucking fat that he sweats when he talks and gets winded masturbating. I will be doing that way too much to get tired each time (more on that later).
To go along with that, I am going to drink a hell of a lot more. My logic is this: my alcohol tolerance is pretty high right now at this weight so if I drink more to go along with my eventual weight loss, by the time I hit a reasonable weight I should be impervious the effects of alcohol! My logic is flawless! Not only that, by Spring I should be on my own in which every night is a SLUMBER PARTY! Man, I am never going to catch a wife with that attitude. With that being said….
New Year’s Revolution #2: No More Women? Guess It’s Time To Find Me A Collie…
Yes, I am swearing off women for 2008. Well, actually since I was having no luck with the ladies to BEGIN WITH, I guess it’s more just maintaining the status quo rather than giving them up. It has gotten to the point now that like Beavis I am never gonna score. That old dude over there has scored a thousand times and look at me. Sans bitch, as the French like to say. I used to think it wasn’t fair and women were just stupid. They are, don’t get that shit twisted. Women have the brain capacity of an ADD stricken ferret and their logic is just as fucked up (I’m not a whore although I fuck dudes for material gain and skewed self worth! Um….that’s the DEFINITION of whore actually).
However, it is more my fault than theirs because rather than just be myself I try to change and therein lies the biggest issue. You shouldn’t have to change yourself to find someone and be happy in my opinion. Now if you like to be slathered in Dijon mustard and fucked up the ass by a marmot while your girlfriend plays “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us” by Jefferson Starship on your slathered back fat like bongos…then yes you may need to work on some shit before you can settle down with “the one”. At the end of the day, aside from being overweight (and some people find fat folks sexy. Not me because I’m not fat, I’m just livin large!) and a nerd I really don’t personally feel I have many major flaws. I mean, I’m not T-PAIN ugly (Where it literally hurts to look at him), although money makes anyone look good. Women that say it doesn’t is a fucking liar. Explain Akon. I mean I dress well, am cultured and always smell nice. Now I have ALSO learned that women see this as being “gay” but that is fine because it isn’t for them. I look good for the Deuce….and Bi if he would ever return my calls. What I am saying is that I try to be a normal dude and it has gotten me nowhere but brokenhearted and confused about what the hell is going on. *Sigh*, I need a fucking encyclopedia:
Peach Girl, you always know how to say it. Yeah, watching THAT is going to help catch me a fine lady.
The phrase “nice guy” is bullshit because I am not nice. My problem is that I am too much like myself….and myself is a dick. I don’t TRY to be a dick but what I do and say is seen is pretentious, mean and elitist. Oh, sexist and racist but that is a given. Back to the point; I have decided that maybe it is time for me to take a step back from women and figure out what the hell my issue is that only brings on:
• Women over the age of 35 (Which is now beginning to get fucking annoying)
• Women under the age of 21 (Which is now beginning to get REAL fucking annoying)
• Women with boyfriends/husbands that use me to make them jealous (BULLSHIT!)
• Crazy women (Who I love, but man I shouldn’t. Crazy bitches are my “bad boy that can’t be tamed”)
• Gay men (O_o) Yes….this is weird. Almost like God is trying to tell me something.
So with all that said….the Deuce is going to be lonely in 2008. Not like that is changed from what my life is NOW but at least now I know why it’s happening. But I will survive!
Okay…that is fucked up. So this year is about coming to grips with myself and finding out whether I am capable of love at all. The answer is probably “no” but at least I can say I tried.
New Year’s Revolution #3: Simmer Down?
As all of you know, I don’t like any races. Hell, I don’t really like much of anyone right about now that breaking them down by race takes too long and gives them way to much of my time. However, maybe its about time I laid off some of the people out there. I mean, I am kind of a jerk. Okay, I am a total asshole and I need to simmer down. It is a big catalyst for me being single (Women don’t like being told about how big of a dipshit they are being, no matter how right you are. They are stupid creatures that way) and it really alienates me to having…..three friends? And Griff but that is more because I really will need a liver and a kidney and he is a pretty healthy cat. So from this point forward, I am going to try to be nicer to people. As much as people need to be told to fuck the hell off, I won’t be the one to do it anymore. In the end, I just want acceptance and the easiest way to get that is to kind of be a pussy or a woman-abuser and (sadly) I am neither.
New Year’s Revolution #4: KEEP IT REAL!!!
In the 2008 I will keep it true to the Deuce. Yes I will take time to take myself to task for being consistently single (Let’s see how long that’s lasts, though. My life will find a way to screw that up because it always has) and I will try to be nicer but in the end….I gotta be me. No faking the funk! No half steppin! Stay down or lay down! More dumbass black dude clichés! In all seriousness, I intend to be me as much as possible…which means that most of my Revolutions (sans the weight thing, for that I really have to man up and make it happen) will be kept because just being me has left me lonely and lacking in the friend department. In the end....I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because I gots to keep it real!
Or maybe not. The fact is when I was a senior in college, I was kind of awesome. People liked me because I was bad ass, not because I was a dick. I was just as jaded, but nowhere near as bitter or heartbroken. Back then, I didn’t care about women and for some reason they thought that was hot. I still don’t get that one because I was in the women’s advocacy group and took women’s studies classes (yes, I could have had a minor if it existed then) and I really didn’t like them. I was respected by black people instead of thought of as gay or bourgeois. Quite simply, I was about the Revolution. What sucks is every time that shit gets rough I go back to that style for about three months but I meet a woman or get a job that just pisses me off to no end and I go to being one cut arm away from being emo. Fuck that shit. Those days are over. It is time….to put some stank on it as Ike Turner would say. This time, the Revolution will not die with money or with the pretenses of love. The Revolution will only die if I get tang! Since that aint gonna happen with a woman’s consent without money involved, it is back and back for a long time! We also have a new theme song for The Revolution. It was TI’s “Bring Em Out” and when I was going to bring the Revolution back before I pondered a new theme. Well, I have found it. The theme for the new Revolution….is DJ DOC’s “Run To You”!
Or DJ OZMA’s “Bounce With Me”
Two songs, two languages, one message. ITS REVOLUTION TIME, BITCHES! That and it is time to do funky fresh dances, which is what the revolution is about for the most part.
New Year’s Revolution #5: Who Needs Love, When You Have Porn?
With swearing off women, this was a very difficult decision to make. However, it had to be done.
I AM GIVING UP PORN….MOSTLY.
I am severely cutting down my porn intake. It has dropped off significantly in the last two years (About the time I began to notice that women actually paid attention to me) but now I am deciding that maybe it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Heh….crack. Anyway, at the end of the day, porn is just really unfulfilling. So after December 31st, 2007 I will be officially be damn near pornless. I say nearly because I am keeping some of my Jasmine Byrne. I need something to get me through the lonely nights….which are every night since I am swearing off women for a while until I find out what the hell my malfunction is. Either way, I am deleting my smut mainly because it gets kind of (or is always) repetitive. It is almost always:
• Kissing
• Oral
• Oral
• Missionary
• Spooning (I think that’s what it is called. Never done it naked so…I’m believing Nicole)
• Cowgirl
• Reverse Cowgirl
• Close-up on Cowgirl (God…I really need to get out the house)
• Anal (This used to be taboo. Now I see this at Wal-Mart. Anal Wednesday Madness!)
• Oral, Sometimes Ass-To-Mouth (Wow…I REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE)
• Money Shot (Yatzhee!)
Needless to say, not a lot of variety. I don’t want to get into the weird stuff (bondage, GGG, etc) because that doesn’t arouse me as much as scare me from ever wanting to have” teh sex”. So for now, I say adieu to Audrey Bitoni and Avena Lee. No more Nautica Thorn or Marquetta Jewel. Needless to say….masturbation is going to be a lot more difficult now. Thems the breaks.
Well, this New Year will be a new start for the Deuce. No more being a punk bitch, no more whining about women and no more lotion for non-moisture reasons! Happy New Year, fools!
I will TRY to be back up on Sunday for the Year End Chachi Omnibus and on Monday for the Year End Countdown Extravaganza. New Tuesday will also be the first Doucheology as we prepare for the biggest Douchebrawl yet! Stay up and stay tuned!
Chachi Out!
