It's time for a little bit of the Classic action! I will be back up on Wednesday for something quick (Full rant and the Chachi Awards this weekend. I PROMISE!) but until then, here is a rant from March of 2007. Anyone that wants to know what brought this post on, just ask. I will tell you the story over a drink or two. Enjoy:
Chachi Line News Reports!
What Ever Happened to Chivalry?
Chivalry. Everyone knows what the word is, but what exactly does it mean? Most importantly, why is it so vilified? The reason I ask is simple. As one whose momma didn’t play no games (well she did, it was called ‘Smack A Fool For Living’) she taught me several things about women in my life:
- Everyone deserves a good ass-kicking. You just should NEVER hit a woman.
- Treat a woman like a woman whether she is with you or not.
- Those dogs can smell drugs. So you gotta kick them in the nose! (Not about women per se, but this has came in handy a few times)
- Be a gentleman, but don’t let a woman take advantage of you.
She told me some other stuff, but it was odds are while I was in a Sharpshooter and was blinded by pain. Long story short, my mom taught me be respectful, but to not be taken advantage of. Now I am an asshole and a pushover. Wow….that girl was right, I really don’t listen.
Anyway, back to the point. Yesterday I opened the door for a friend of mine and she said ‘You don’t have to open the door for me’ to which I replied ‘Yes, I do.’ After a lengthy (and partial listened to because Maximum the Hormone was on my deck and they are the mad notes) I asked why do women always get rather defensive about any act of a man just doing what is fucking normal? Then she said something that really put it all down. Something I didn’t want to accept because I couldn’t believe we had become such a sucky ass society:
“It’s the exception, that’s all”
Wow. Since when did doing what you were supposed to do become the exception and not the norm? It reminds me of the Chris Rock comments about fathers that raise their children. It is your JOB to take care of your fucking kids, you don’t deserve kudos. I don’t care if it isn’t the norm; it is what you are supposed to do. I think that as a man, you are supposed to open a door or pull a chair out for a woman. I don’t want a fucking cookie and I don’t necessarily need a thank you for it. Oh, and if you are a woman and you think that a man that shows you any form of kindness automatically wants to fuck you then you are a whore and listen to too many comics and worthless fucks that have no concept of being a gentleman. More on that later. Oh I am SO going back to that shit.
So why is chivalry all but dead? Well, it is a two way street of both women being raised stupid and men just being BORN stupid. A simple breakdown of what I have learned over the last 26 years of my life about women, men and the dynamic between the two leads me to believe that these are some (not all, but the major) reasons of the end of chivalry as we know it:
1) Men Aren’t Taught How To Be (Normal) Men
Okay, I am really getting sick of this shit right here. I know that men are supposed to be sex-crazed, sports-obsessed, disgusting forces of nature that are expected to command and conquer all they see. Well guess what? Last I checked, evolution happens (fuck intelligent design because men aint intelligent and the design leaves a lot to be desired) and really should have taken massive steps past clubbing women and taking them to the cave to make babies. Being a man aint about fucking, fighting and farting. It is protecting, providing and procuring knowledge to pass on. If all you can teach your kid is how to get a woman drunk enough to fuck you and the intricacies of a 46 defense (which truthfully is very effective with the right personnel) then congratulations. You are a leading force in the Dumbening of America. It’s people like you why kids are having sex in class and can’t find Oklahoma on a map of the United States. Way to help the gender, you ass.
2) Women Aren’t Taught How To Be Women
Yeah, I so went there. Women were at a crossroads in 1998 like Blacks were at a crossroads in the mid-1970’s. Instead of attempting to, I don’t know USE the rights that women fought for in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s you by attempting to create a better image and lifestyle for the next generation of women to lead you instead chose to get back tattoos, embrace your inner whore and forget that with power comes responsibility. I understand that women have every right to be defensive because a lot of men out their were raised (or grew up) stupid. However, and it pains me to say this, if you think the worst of people, all you will get is the worst out of life. I always say that I have given up on people and that people suck. I don’t honestly believe that because if I did I wouldn’t have met Rick, Zach, Kandi, Jen, D’Ann and most importantly Griff. Hell, people tried to get us to FIGHT on his first day and we hashed that out. Thinking the worst of men is a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy (and boy do I know about that) so if you think that all men aint shit, that’s all you will get because that is what you expect to get and it is WHAT YOU WILL GET. It’s not rocket science, its Communications.
3) Not EVERY Man Is Trying To Screw You
Now this goes against everything any woman has ever heard. Every comedian says it and every man says it because…well men are fucking stupid and for the most part lack originality. Men may invent the majority of the technological advances but actually thinking for ones self died with the rhetors of old. Nick and I had this discussion in great detail every fricking Friday and we just never got it. It is ingrained in every female at some point that all every man wants to do is fuck them Which can be seen as true. However, I hate to burst your bubble ladies but the chalice isn’t as much as a commodity as it used to be. If the vagina was currency, it would be the Euro. Sure, some of the lesser, crappier and swarthier countries use it, but REAL countries only take it when the time is right (i.e. when you are tourist dumb enough to change all your dollars into it). See, I am the King of Metaphors. Seriously, any woman that thinks that has a real low opinion of themselves that they believe that no man is interested in them enough to think that they are nothing more than a glory hole with a face. First off, you can never say all because if there is an exception then it becomes the rule and “all” is no longer a feasible option as one difference eliminates total uniformity in your logic. You can say “most” but even still that is a reach.
I think the real statement is “All men that YOU have dealt with have wanted to fuck you.” At that point it is soul searching time. I for example felt that all women were succubi in college. Then I realized it was the women that I dealt with that emotionally drained and mentally wrecked me to the point that I felt that I was un-dateable. By making me feel that way, it got to the point that when a female DID want to date me (like once every Olympic year or so, give or take a Goodyear Games year) I convinced myself that she didn’t. Sad, but true. I realized that was a stupid way to live (after a come to Jesus meeting my senior year with a female friend of mine that pretty much said stop being a punk ass trick and go for it. Funny story, I’ll tell you about it in a one off if you want to hear about it) and got over that. Now I am just bitter for humor reasons and to teach the young. I’m like a bitter Yoda.
Back to the original point. The simple fact is that a slight majority (from what I have noticed from my friends it’s about 60-65%) of women believe that when a man is nice to you, he is trying to get something from you. Well ladies, here is the sad truth. If a man REALLY wanted to “get” you, he would by any means necessary. That is a sad and scary statement but face it. It’s true. School violence is a reality, terrorism is a reality and men what will “dope and grope” is a reality. Be smart, ladies. Get a sippy cup. No spill AND you can get spiffy designs! Besides, any man that is willing to “drug and rub” will odds are not pull out your chair, open your door or pay for your dinner, even if you aren’t dating. Most pervert assholes are also cheap. Can I get an amen from Rick and the congregation about the Lazy Negro Theory?! It is an easy way to weed out the pricks from the gentlemen.
4) It Is Just The Right Thing To Do (IMHO)
You know what? Ignorance is spreading at an alarming rate. When someone is stupid (grinds on you at the club, buy you a drink that you didn’t see poured, is completely vulgar and disrespectful) to a woman in the club, usually she does nothing to stop it because it is expected. Yet, any act of normalcy (saying excuse me, standing to shake hands when someone comes to the table, no interrupting a conversation) is met with a weird look. Since when what doing the right thing seen as the wrong thing? I’m sorry, I open fucking doors. I’m a renegade male, it is how I do things. When a woman and go to lunch or dinner, I pay. It’s not a status thing (Ask Visa cause them fuckers aint NEVER getting paid) because I am poor and it is not because I am expecting some. It is because it is the right thing to do. As a woman, if you feel that because a man buys you a cookie that he is expecting some nookie you have no respect for yourself and you have no respect for him. Some men don’t deserve the respect and I will admit that. Hell, I know some of them. Some of us live with some of them. Some of you ladies DATED SOME OF THEM FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. You know who you are. In the end, as geeky as it sounds love (if you believe in it) is like a computer program. Garbage in, garbage out. If you go at it half-assed, you get a half-assed result. Same with chivalry. If you do what you should, nothing can come out of it but good. You got that right, turkey! Anyone notice that Blaster from Transformers and Roadblock from GI Joe were the same guy. And spoke in rhyme? Now THAT’S RACIST.
5) No One Knows What To Do.
Okay, this is no ones fault really. Most men don’t KNOW to open doors for women because they have never been taught. Most women don’t KNOW to take a jacket of a date or put one on (I was TOTALLY shocked when that happened on Friday, I will admit) is proper etiquette. In the end….no one really knows what to do.
In closing, I’m not saying America should be like LARPing with the whole ‘milady’ and ‘milord’ bullshit. However, some things are just courteous and chivalry is one of them. It isn’t about being manly or ladylike; it is about being a fucking nice person. It bugs me that being an asshole is the norm for men, and women allow it. (Edit: It also pisses me off how women are expected to be irrational and "emotional" which is bitch-speak for "illogical" with no reprocussion. That is just my opinion). Now ladies I am not saying to always expect a man to open your doors or pay for your meals. That’s disrespectful and how you get hit with a Muscle Buster, Samoa Joe style. A little kindness and courtesy goes a long way, in my opinion. I’m just saying. Aaaaaand that is my rant.
Alright, ya'll. I will post more old school stuff from time to time and may just redo one to save some sleeptime and my fucking sanity. Until next time, stay up.
Chachi Out
