In The Future, The Past Is Happening...To THEM.

It’s your lucky day, fuckers! I am back with a new blog…kind of. You see, a discussion was had recently about sexual partners and their importance in the now when it comes to a relationship or building a relationship. Now first off, this was posted almost two years ago on the blog because I was happier then and it was well before the pressures of the world crushed my spirit. Or not, I kind of zone in and out. Either way, I have always felt that it was a moot point but at the same time I like to vent and release and this was one of the last blogs I had before hitting up 50 hour work weeks and being too tired to drop the knowledge on the peeps. So, this is one of my many previous installments of…

Chachi Presents: Question of the Day!

Today’s Question: When It Comes (Heh, comes) To Sexual Partners, How Many Is Too Many?

You know, I always felt the best way to answer this is with a personal story. Back in 2002 when women were still stupid enough to date me, my girlfriend in college asked me that same question in reference to a conversation her friends and I had earlier that night. A number was tossed around and when I was asked if that was too many I stated

“For a twenty year old? I don’t know, but seeing as that means you would have had to fuck someone once a month for the last three years to attain such a dumbass goal…I would have to rethink what I did with my day…”

Now it was met with laughter by my girlfriend’s brother but no one else (Sadly, all females) found that line to be funny. Like, at all. So later that evening, she asked me what I would think if that number was pretty close to her number of partners and I told her “What would you expect me to think? I can’t change it so I’m cool with it by default.” Needless to say, she did NOT like that answer and I can understand why. You see, a woman’s sexual history means nothing to you as a friend until you end up dating her. Even if you DO end up dating you can’t have a problem with the NUMBER as much as you can have a problem with WHO is in those numbers. Case in point if she has a child or a crazy ex-boyfriend that doesn’t want to let go (Or even better, a crazy BOYFRIEND she neglected to TELL YOU ABOUT). Knowing those numbers would be a really nice thing because I’m sure that SHE would expect the same common courtesy.

Now the question posed was about how many is too many. Now we can think up arbitrary numbers all day long but the simple fact is this: if sex is that important to you that you have to do it repeatedly then by all means knock yourself out. It is your body and totally your right to have as much sex with as many people as often as you want whether you are a male or female. However, you have to remember a few important factors:

Factor #1: Whether The Number Is High Or Not…Isn’t Up To You So Shut The Fuck Up About It

There is an old adage that people choose what the stats mean at the end of the day, not the athletes. When you look at Barry Bonds homerun total, you will either say he was the greatest home run hitter of all time or his stats are the proof of what performance-enhancing drugs can do to the sanctity of the game. Some people even break his numbers down and split them between the Pittsburg Pirates years and the San Francisco Giants years to mark when the controversy began. THIS is why the numbers aren’t up to you. They are open to interpretation and analysis if you put them out there and you know what? Tough shit. Your sexual partner numbers will be viewed differently by different people so when you bring it out in the open you will get many different views on whether it is high or low. Oddly enough, if the number is less than the woman in question being told the number she is so not a whore. However, if it is within the margin for Whore Error (+/-2 fucks) it varies. Anything over and she is SO A SLUT! Not my words, theirs.

Factor #2: With A Man It ISN’T DIFFERENT SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT.

No matter what I say about any number a woman gives it is usually followed by “If I was a man it wouldn’t matter!” to which I say…shut the fuck up. You see, the reason it is different for a man when it comes to sexual partners is literally how they view it. A lot of men out their rank the number of women they bang (Do the cool kids still say “bang?” Just checking) as a badge of honor. You see, I look at wearing sexual escapades as a badge of honor almost like bragging about how much you go for it on 4th down in football. Sure, sometimes you get a first down but more often than not you turnover on downs. That is casual sex: turning it over on 4th down. At that point the other team has the ball and you have nothing really to show for it except a stat saying you WENT FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN! So if you are proud of those number then that is cool because some would think that going for it on fourth down means that you have experience which women will admit they like. However ladies, in football if you are going for it on fourth down a lot, you really aren’t doing so well on first or second down, are you? On third down your ass REALLY SUCKS. In essence, I mean just because you have the experience on running plays and going on drives doesn’t mean those plays are any good or if they even work.

Now, let’s tie this all together. A man with multiple sexual partners is up to the SAME JUDGEMENT as a woman is. Problem is that women don’t really care. Face it, you don’t. You are more concerned about YOURSELF than the other persons which is cool. But understand that most men got past the “Man, that dude gets all the fly honeys!” (Is “fly honey” still cool? How about “roni?”) when it came to sex at like…17. Bros and niggas still keep that mentality until they die but that’s how they roll. Ask your average dude about a guy that fucks any woman that will give it up and we will honestly tell you that he is just as much a whore as a woman that does the same thing and probably even more so because he had to pay for the tang whether indirectly or not so he may as well have just got to Colfax and got him some there. Half the price and no need to worry about the “So what are we?” question that men hate so much. See, asshole! I just saved you $50 in Long Island’s and Cosmo’s! Long story short is that it IS the same for men when it comes to sexual partners but women don’t hold their feet to the fire about whoring it out like YOU HOLD OTHER WOMEN’S FEET TO THE FIRE ABOUT IT! Seriously, no one ever blames the dude for cheating; they call the woman a whore for “fucking their man” to which I say congrats…you’re a jackass. THAT is why women are like niggas: they can’t get along with each other over the simplest shit.

Factor #3: It Is Called Self-Esteem and Self-Control. Use Them. Oh, And Shut The Fuck Up About It (Sorry, got a theme here I gotta run with)

Now I am going to make a pretty broad assumption and say that every time, excluding rape of course, that when sex is had that it is your own choice. I’ve done some whacky things drunk but I know at the end of the day I DECIDED TO DRINK AND WHATEVER HAPPENS TO ME IS MY FAULT because I chose to take a substance that can alter my ability to rationally make decisions. With all that being said, you as a woman lay on your back and you as a man whip out your wang to have this awkward little thing we call sex. No one makes you do it and it honestly takes two people saying “let’s get freaky!” to work. So you make the choice to do so and you really can’t get all upset about it after the fact because YOU DID IT! If you KNOW that people may judge you for having sex with enough partners to fill up a Menudo reunion special then you have three choices:

1. Don’t tell anyone: Honestly, it is no one’s business any-damn-way. If you are afraid people will judge your past then keep it to yourself until the time is right. There are some people that will judge you whether the number is two, twenty or fifty so just keep your fool mouth shut.
2. Don’t give a fuck: I mean seriously, why should it even matter? You fucked the defensive secondary of the Jacksonville Jaguars? So what? You did it and did it well so don’t be ashamed! Like I said, people are going to judge you for who you are (Or aren’t) and what you did (Or didn’t) regardless so if you are cool with your past (LOL, OR CURRENT AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) then have a fuck and a smile and quit yer bitchin.
3. Cry about it: No one made you do what you did and you can’t really take it back. I mean you can be born again but in the end Jesus don’t love them hoes. You saw what he did to Mary Magdalene. Told that bitch to get to stepping after he hit that. Seriously, if you have a past in which you have seen a lot of dicks then own up to it. Don’t make excuses or say things like you wish you hadn’t because that just makes you look stupid. The hardest critic of your past is you (Hell, I’m living proof) so once YOU get over it, fuck the world if they can’t adjust. Gotta love the words of Tupac Shakur.

So, quite simply what is the answer? How many is too many? I look at it the same as I look at alcohol: you should know your limits and if you don’t know your limits you will eventually get burned. Now I don’t necessarily mean by an STD (But it could happen) but what I mean is that if at some point you realize that “Man, I’m fucking to either fill a void or gain some personal satisfaction that could be achieved with a less self-esteem breaking hobby” then what you are doing isn’t for you. Now I am not against sex. I mean I am actually all for it because if I ever want to get to Japan I got to be ready to do some godless, eerie shit…I’ve seen the movies. Yet I say that with the understanding that you must be comfortable with what you do. If you are, more power to you. If not then you need to think about how you not only view sex but the people you are having sex with. You know my motto when it comes to this kind of stuff:

Be Safe, Be Cool, Be You

Real simple, but hard for a lot of people to do. In closing, what number of sexual partners is too many?

Your age
(MINUS)
The age you started having sex
(DIVIDE)
12 for the months in a year
(PLUS)
4 for each Bowl Game and/or New Years Bowl game your college has been to (WHILE YOU WERE THERE! If you never went to college or finished this doesn’t apply to you. Yeah, the numbers are skewed but it isn’t only based on skill, it is based off opportunity and there were many a frat party in college)
(PLUS)
5 if you have had sex with any rapper or rock star (Trust me, you don’t have to say but you fucked the crew, too. This goes for males and females)
(PLUS)
10 if you have ever shook hands with Prince (Because….yeah, that man’s bankai is sex)
(TIMES)
1.5 to factor in your BCS Ranking (Be sure to add in the Harris Poll as well. The computers take in strength of fuck schedule into account)
(PLUS)
Your age divided by 2
(MINUS)
3 for each individual pity fuck. Yeah, there is a punishment for playing against weaker opponents on your schedule. However, they count as an ADD toward your total.

Now take your total and subtract it from your actual number count of partners and you have and presto, fools…

Your ASPI (Acceptable Sexual Partner Index)

If you are above the number you ended up with, you are officially a whore. Male or female. That system doesn’t make sense? Good, that is exactly how I feel about the question of how many sexual partners is too many because to ask it doesn’t make sense. Is it too many to you? Too many to me? Too many to that guy? Too many to Gene Simmons or Madonna? It really doesn’t matter. If it is a source of concern for you then maybe you shouldn’t have been pounding those daiquiris’ last night!

I hope you all learned something because I didn’t. Maybe some Boddington’s and Chimay will help. While I do that, you look at the Countdown:

I loves me some Epik High. Well, that’s all for now. I will try to be up later this week before I see Bo Burnham this weekend in Denver. If anyone is down to go, let me know because the more the merrier. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Sometimes I Wish Black Dynamite Would Use His Kung Fu On Lady GaGa...But Hitting Women Aint Cool.

So last Friday some of you know I had to say goodbye to my closest friend in Shaolin. Yes, he was my dog. Now I am not one of those people that thought of my dog as a “member of the family” because if a member of my family ate cat poop and was afraid of vacuums I would have disowned them long ago. Shaolin was like a roommate that didn’t really pay rent. He was one that listened to all my stories about women that did me wrong, women I did wrong and everything in between. All he asked for was an occasional belly rub and a turkey leg bone at Thanksgiving. Oh, and some whiskey every now and then but he was a terrier which made him either Scottish or Irish. Either way, he hated the Welsh. And the Turks. He was 17 years old which is well past the life expectancy of his breed so I cannot complain much. We had good times, bad times and times that he had to bail me out of jail which is hard for a dog to do because of breed profiling but he did it. He was literally my dawg and he will be missed. This one is for my homie:

I’m sure he has no idea what they are saying but it’s not about the words. It’s about the words. Or something.

Oh, before I get into the Countdown I just need to let this be known: Lady Gaga fucking sucks. I could care less how many fans she has; even Hitler had a fucking fan base. At least he made the trains run on time, all Lady Gaga makes me do is wish for the old days of Madonna, David Bowie and Prince. Real gender bending trendsetters that actually had some social and lyrical relevance. I mean YES Prince gave us Darling Nikki but he also gave us Purple Rain and Sign ‘O’ The Times:

Lady Gaga is pointless tripe that plays off being a “gay icon” when actuality she has very little lyrical prowess and has above average production which makes people listen because I don’t think ANYONE listens to lyrics anymore. Oh, and about the gay icon bullshit?

Elton John = GAY ICON
Melissa Etheridge = GAY ICON
Freddie Mercury = ULTIMATE GAY ICON
George Michael = GAY ICON
Little Richard = WHOOOOOOOOO GAY ICON, BITCH!
LADY GAGA = NOT A FUCKING GAY ICON

Now I am one that believes you actually have to either be something or fight for the rights of something to be considered an icon of it. I consider Eminem to be a hip hop icon because of what he has done for hip hop despite the complaints of his style and content (Which I agree with but Public Enemy wasn’t about playing Red Rover either, people). Even though some people don’t consider him a hip hop icon because he isn’t Black, that does not and SHOULD NOT take away from his accomplishments and what he has done. Same for Madonna being a “gay icon” because I feel that she has done more for the gay community than others whether it be actually fighting for causes or supporting homosexual artists. Oh, and she actually has SOME (Not a lot!) of musical talent. More than Miss Gaga does, anyway. Lady Gaga plays to a market of “liberated” women that think that being “edgy” means being a fuckwit. Much like 50 Cent played the “ignorant nigga and suburban youths that WANT to be ignorant nigga” card, Gaga has played the fuckwit card and much like instant deaths in God of War III they suck ass but are a fact of life so you gotta just play through until you kick someone’s ass in the 4th person. Or something like that, I’m hella tired right now. Either way, Lady Gaga sucks and for all you people that say “well she has more fans than you!” always remember that just because you have popularity doesn’t mean you deserve it.

Lastly, I spaced on putting the Countdown up last week so here is this weeks:

30. Tohoshinki – Break Out!! (Last Week #23, Two Weeks at #1)
29. 2AM – I Did Wrong (New Entry)
28. SCANDAL – Shukan Sentimental (Last Week #21)
27. Yuya Matsuhita – Trust Me (New Entry)
26. AZU – For You (Last Week #18)
25. T-ara – I’m Really Hurt (New Entry)
24. TRAX – Let You Go (Last Week #19)
23. Hyunah – Change (Last Week #16)
22. F.Cuz – No One (Last Week #29)
21. Do As Infinity – Kimi ga Inai Mirai (Last Week #11)
20. Girl’s Generation – Run Devil Run (New Entry)
19. SeeYa, Davichi & T-ara - Wonder Woman (Last Week #14)
18. L Class – Please Don’t Go (Last Week #24)
17. Untouchable feat Narsha – Live In Your Heart (Last Week #13)
16. C.N. Blue – I’m A Loner (Last Week #9, One Week at #1)
15. AI feat. Namie Amuro – Fake (New Entry)
14. F(x) feat, MIC – Lollipop (Last Week #7)
13. 8eight - Availability Period (Last Week #26)
12. Girls’ Generation – Oh! (Last Week #4, Two Weeks at #1)
11. 2AM – Can’t Let You Go (Last Week #6)
10. ASIAN KUNG FU GENERATION – Solanin (Last Week #17)
9. BEAST - Shock (Last Week #15)
8. HALCALI – Endless Night (Last Week #2)
7. BACK-ON feat. Mini – One Step! (Last Week #12)
6. Kim Jong Kook – Can’t Forget (Last Week #5)
5. Epik High – Run (Last Week #20)
4. T-Ara – I Go Crazy Because Of You (Last Week #8)
3. Stereopony - Hanbunko (Last Week #1, One Week at #1)
2. KARA – Lupin (Last Week #3)
1. 2NE1 – Try To Copy Me (Last Week #10, One Week at #1)

New number one! I love me some 2NE1.

Well, I will be back up later on this week. Need to post more, if for NOTHING than my on sanity because I am going crazy over here with all the asshatery going on in 2010. Until next time, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

If You Miss Wasabi, You Better Be Dead or In Jail! And If Yu Are In Jail...BREAK OUT!!!

What is up, peeps? Well, Anime Wasabi is coming up on Friday and I still need to grab some spirits (PARTY TIME!) but aside from that I am set and ready. With that said…February SUCKED ASS. Hated that shit so fucking much and it made me miserable. Them’s the breaks though and to all involved parties you can EAT A MOTHERFUCKING DICK. Yeah, I said it. March is already looking better so let’s get started!

So I got into a conversation about women’s fashion yesterday which is what drove my post last night and a conversation continued with the same person about a conversation we had last week about women and their lack of logic. Now what I have never understood is that no matter how wrong about a subject a woman will be, plausible deniability becomes their big weapon. I mean, how can you sit back and deny logic at all junctures and points because it fits you. I mean I want to say I am a 2XL but that shit aint gonna happen, people. The reason I bring this up is because of a conversation I had not too long ago with a female friend which almost ended our friendship with the stupidity of her response.

The discussion got whether the number of sexual partners counted in the grand scheme of things when it comes to a relationship. First off, by posing this question to me I let her know that she is relinquishing all her rights and privileges when it comes to being protected by my responses because like a tiger, I am a real motherfucker. The realest motherfucker in the zoo! She made the mistake of saying she was fine with it but I know that isn’t the case but still you go into the tiger cage you may get mauled.

So women sit back and say that their sexual past SHOULDN’T matter but the simple fact is just like a man’s sexual history…it DOES matter. To a logical extent, mind you. The fact is the past is the past and you can’t change it no matter how much you lie about it to yourself. You know who I am talking about. Admit you spread like Smuckers and you will be a lot happier than blaming every man that you say “used you” because you were too stupid to realize they were lying. Yes, I said it and I am sick of the delusion. The people that make the sexual partner issue an issue for the most part is women. Now women will say that it is men that ask but usually it is because they heard from someone that you decided to perform the Love Train on the 1987 San Francisco 49ers defensive front seven. Yes, the Love Train is a move and MAN is it awesome. Takes a talented woman to do that, but I digress.

I always will say that LOGICALLY sexual past is a point to discuss because you kind of need to know who you are going to be laying down with from the safety standpoint. You see, when a friend of mine stated that men she wasn’t dating that she had sex with (Read: One night stands and other acts of random sexual stupidity) didn’t “count” to which I wanted to laugh until I realized she REALLY BELIEVED THAT SHIT. Ladies, understand something loud and clear: STD’S DON’T CARE IF HE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND OR NOT. The fact you run by that logic is the exact same as a man thinking that sex with a prostitute doesn’t count because money is involved and he didn’t love her (He loves you! Mostly because you don’t fuck other men for money…or do you?) but you sure as hell wouldn’t stand for that shit. Same concept, although a man that sexes up a prostitute is a pure genius because you have to pay for it in some way shape or form anyway so why pay the restaurant? Get right down to the bizness.

Everyone COUNTS. Does it matter? Not necessarily unless you are a walking candidate for the SuperAIDS. And I will say it right now: if the number is over 30 then yes, that is too many. I already posted the ASPI (Acceptable Sexual Partner Index) and I am saying right now that if you are fucking that many people then you need to find a hobby that doesn’t risk pregnancy or emotional emptiness. Name one prostitute that isn’t dead inside or has a daddy issue. Or has a vagina like a NASCAR tire.

Now someone once told me that thirty was a low number. Okay, 30 is a low number if we are talking about home runs in a season during the fucking steroid era. Not when we talk about sexual encounters. I mean, I don’t even have 10 friends so the thought of being entered (or entering for that matter) thirty people seems kind of not…normal? Mostly because about 30% if not higher you will never see again unless you see them at a bar/club or have that always fun moment of not bleeding from your vagina on time. Then…it’s his fault. No one knows why, but it is. Personally sex still scares me as my experience with it has been painful and trauma inducing but there is also a logic factor in all of this. Think about it like this:

Depending on whom you believe (Religious fuckwits, scientific fuckwits or the great people at Planned Parenthood. It’s how I find all of my dates because I knows they fuckin!) the ratios of people with STD’s (Now this is all STD’s ranging from groinal scabs to Mecha-AIDS which has the HIV Zord and everything) in the age range of 24-32 ranges from 5:1 (Just for genital herpes to which I can’t say I agree or disagree) to 27:1 (Combining all STD’s together which skews the numbers a great deal) in the United States. Now these numbers like I said are skewed but look at the GENERIC ODDS. If you have 30 partners, the odds of you having an STD (Even using a condom according to Jesus because if he can’t get no tang, NO ONE GETS NO TANG!) can be up to 90%! Now I believe that this is bullshit on a string but…what reason do you have fucking more than 30 people in the first place?

Now this is odds are where my detachment with reality begins and I go off into my happy land while others go into Dipshitville IMHO. I see no reason to have fucked enough people to create a starting lineup on offense and defense of every major and NON-MAJOR sport. Except for Red Rover, of course. That is just me but I think there are better things to do with your time and you don’t need to take your clothes off to have a good one:

Preach it, Jermaine. Preach it…and yes I know he is dead.

So long story short to answer her question (I think she reads the blog but if not, I needed material so this will do) the number of sexual partners is IMPORTANT, but it shouldn’t be an ISSUE. Disclosure is always good between couples but at the same time you can’t get upset because the other person isn’t a fan of the number. That is just life sometimes. However, if you are looking to do more with this person than take their money and put stuff in their butt (Both parties fall under this one because…bitches be wanting to do some crazy stuff in the bedroom. Am I right, fellas?! Women be shoppin!) then your past needs to be told but not analyzed much like a background check for an employee at work. I mean you wouldn’t want a pederast working with the Boy’s Club just like ladies wouldn’t want their man that had a three-way with Paris Hilton and Magic Johnson. How is THAT for a parallel? Fuck you, fucky I had a rough day today.

Well, I hope that entertained and offended. If not, I really don’t care so fuck off. I am going to grab some soju and hopefully forget that my life is a series of “gotcha nigga!” moments and soul-crushing heartbreak. I kid, I kid! I’m okay…

Trust me 

Oh, one last thing. Here is last weeks Countdown!

Man, it will be four years this August that I have been doing this. Good times. Anyway, I wont be back up until probably Sunday or Monday due to Wasabi. If anyone is down to party to the Chef, come on down! There is always a party in the Chateau De Chef! See you all on Friday and until then, stay up!

Chachi Out