So on Wednesday I did my 20 Hawtest Video Game Ladies and to show that this blog isn’t all about the men, I have something for the ladies. Oh yeah, you know it. The ladies went first, now it’s time for the men to STRUT THEIR STUFF! I give you the…
20 Bishie Hawt Male Video Game Characters
We start with someone that we have never seen before, but we SO KNOW he’s hawt!
20. Master Chief (Halo Series)
This man has looked the Covenant dead in their beady little eyes and said ‘Not on my watch, bitches!’ Nothing says hawt like saving the planet from an alien invasion. All while never seeing his face. Just like Batman, minus the money, the brooding and the weird young boy fetish. Loves me some Batman, but there is something wrong with that.
19. Link (Legend of Zelda Series)
Straight up elven hawtie right here! Link was one of the first video game characters to save the princess from peril. There is nothing hawter than a hero, people! Although his fashion left a little to be desired (green is so NOT the new black) he pulled off the look well. Not only that, he was handy with a sword, boomerang, hook-shot, ocarina AND a bow and arrow. A renaissance man if there ever was one!
18. Kyo Kusanagi (King of Fighter Series)
Okay, secret time. This was my first video game bishie! Kyo is my favorite player in the King of Fighters series and for good reason. The man is HAWT in more ways than one if you get my drift. And I think you do. He used his hawtness to actually create fire to kick the asses of his opponents! Beat that!
17. Squall Leonheart (Final Fantasy VIII)
As you all know, I liked FFVIII, one of the six people that did. The love story between Squall and Rinoa really made the game for me and created (IMHO) the best ending of all the Final Fantasy games I have played (Final Fantasy VII…I am so looking at your ass!). Not only does he have a kick ass Gunsword, he has some funky fresh ballroom dance moves and impeccable fashion sense! Two belts? It takes work to pull that style off, and he does!
16. Vega (Street Fighter Series)
Muy es bueno! One of the original of the ‘handsome’ characters, you can’t look at Vega and not say he is on fire! So damn fine he has to cover his face with a mask so that the ugly people don’t harm his moneymaker. If you have seen ‘Street Fighter II V’ (the V is foe Vega!) then you saw his HAWT fight with another character that may be on here. Trust me, if you haven’t seen it, it is one of the better fights in anime.
15. Sam Fisher (Splinter Cell Series)
He may not have invented stealth, but Sam Fisher made it SEXY. Something about night-vision goggles, clmbing on ceilings and that Wentworth bald head look (someone tell me that Prison Break doesn’t have some Splinter Cell tones then you’re nuts) make him the mega-hawt stealth hawtie!
14. Ken (Street Fighter Series)
The Dragon Punching blonde ass-kicker from the SF series makes it on here! Not only is he hawt, he is also a family man! He has been with Eliza for what, ten different SF games? Now THAT’S love!
13. Vincent Valentine (Final Fantasy VIII)
Now I am just going to say it: Final Fantasy VII may be the sexiest game of all time. The brooding, Gackt-like Vincent is one of the characters that turn the temperature UP on that game! He mutates into monsters (Which….to each their own I guess. Not my thing, though) and is also part vampire, which we ALL KNOW are hot. More on that later.
12. Marcus Fenix (Gears of War)
A newer character, but just as hot as the rest! Marcus is true 100% pure, world saving, monster killing, chainsaw using dude-stuff!
11. Liu Kang (Mortal Kombat)
MORTAL KOMBAT!! Maybe Mortal HAWT-BAT! Eh, it’s a reach. But something about a man that will kill another man to win a tournament with a spotty and questionable plot…is sexy. Not to me personally, but you know.
10. Simon Belmont (Castlevania Series)
What is sexier than a vampire? Someone that HUNTS vampires. Long before Buffy and her weird ass nose, there was Simon Belmont, the first of the Belmont clan to have his own game! Oh, and that whip can be seen as hot to some. Anything involving pain and sex…aint my thing. Hell, sex is painful enough for me because….it’s going to be bad.
9. Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII)
W00t! Now I know you are probably shocked that Cloud is down here so low. As am I, but first off he was a fashion DISASTER in the video game. Purple jumpsuit? I mean NON-flattering! Now in Advent Children he was a SUPER-HAWTIE! That black leather and his gravity-abiding hair was just sexy!
8. Mario (Super Mario Brothers Series)
Mama mia! The man that started it all! Mario proved that big dudes could save the world too! And that magic mushrooms and fire flowers get you FUCKED UP! I mean you straight trip balls on that shit!
7. Kratos (God of War)
Nothing says sexy like a God, peeps. Kratos made being a murderous, violent Spartan with blades attached to your forearms the new black! Just rippling, 100% Spartan hawtness. Oh, and showed self control by not just wrecking the HELL out of the Oracle despite having one titty just hanging out for no reason.
6. Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid Series)
Okay, I had this discussion with Zach on Friday and I wanted to put Snake higher. Hell, his name is Solid Snake…which just SCREAMS manly. And I think you know why. The problem with Snake is…well…he has a mullet. Mullets may work with Irocs, but not with hawtness. And for that, he loses some ground.
5. Alucard (Castlevania: Symphony of the Night)
Vampire slaying PAR-TEEEEEEE! As one who owns Castlevania: SOTN I must say this it may be the best side scrolling game of all time. Yes, even up there with Super Mario Brothers. Oh, I went there. Not only that, but Alucard is a TOTAL hawtie! We are talking Gackt levels of hot, here.
4. Leon Kennedy (Resident Evil 2 & 4)
I will admit, there is something hot about fighting zombies. I said it about Jill Valentine and I am saying it about Leon. He filled out a police uniform quite nicely in RE2 and in RE4…lets just say next-gen did Mr. Kennedy right. Not only that, he saved the President’s daughter! Press A! Press ! Heh, had to work that in.
3. Toshiro Hitsugaya (Bleach/Jump All-Stars)
Oooooohhhhhhh! I just want to eat him up he is so CUUUUUUTE! Look at that face and just TRY to resist him! I frickin dare you! He has the baddest Bankai (aside from that asshole Aizen), is straight up Han Solo in his young mack game (check out Episode 126) and he is so DAMN cute! I just wanna eat him up! Snoogles! Seriously….I’m straight.
2. Dante (Devil May Cry Series)
Yes. YES. YES! Is there anything on the PLANET hotter than fighting demons in leather? Anything? YOU ARE A BOLD FACED LIAR! There are very few things in this world hotter than Dante from Devil May Cry. Despite the fact that fighting a mountain lion covered in steaks is easier than beating the series of games (especially the damn original DMC3, not the special edition) his hawtness made up for the eventual violation of your ass via controller.
1. Sephiroth
Is there anyone hawter? The answer is no. Sephiroth is more brooding than Cloud, exudes more sexiness than Leon, is more manly than Snake, just as brutal as Kratos (Aeris, anyone? I cried too but has there ever been a hotter death not involving Carbonite and Han Solo?) and looks better in leather than Dante. Yes, he tried to destroy the world but he looked SO GOOD while doing it! The baddest man in videogames is also the hottest!
Wow, that was hawt. Now it is time to cool things down with a new summer film that I wasn’t planning on seeing but seeing as how I have no life or other friends…yeah I went. So now, another weekend edition of…
MASTER CHIEF CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD!!
This Weeks Movie: Shrek 3
I’m going to try something different for this installment. We are going to play Hit or Miss!
Hit: Puss and Donkey
Donkey stole the first movie, Puss N’ Boots stole the second. This time, the combination of the two was one of the bright points of the movie. Eddie Murphy, when not knocking up former Spice Girls does good young adult comedy for the most part. As for Puss…Antonio Banderas is too hot for words so yeah, good stuff. The switching was funny (and not ran into the ground) while they really provided the majority of the humor for the movie. Which leads me to something.
Miss: Shrek
You know, I watched the first Shrek and really…didn’t like Shrek. The character or Shrek is rather limited. I have never watched the movie for the lead, rather for the supporting characters. He is a boring character and has almost no funny parts to this film. It was almost like he was there solely because the movie was named after him. Like Lil Jon on his own albums, but at least he has some catchphrases. Shrek has nothing going for it.
Hit: Pop Culture References, or ½ of the Jokes
Okay, the fact that only Zach, the people in the chairs behind us and I understood half the jokes in this movie kind of bugged me. From the slide in jokes from Puss and Donkey to the musical and TV references (I wont ruin it, but lets just say that the Gingerbread Man was build stronger, faster and better!) there were so many jokes that not only went over the kids heads but adults, too. I always say this but I am not the smartest person out there. However, if you don’t see the humor in a all girl team fighting and Heart’s “Barracuda” playing then maybe you need to know more. I mean some may see that as worthless trivia knowledge but how can you truly understand a movie if half of it goes above you….
Miss: Poopy Humor, or the OTHER ½ of the Jokes
….or go below you. I am just as low-brow and crass as the next guy but the rest of the movie was boring, stupid or flat out tasteless. The poop and vomit jokes stopped being funny…well I don’t think they were ever funny. Ha ha, babies crap and puke. We know that, don’t run it into the ground. Oh, and singing “Let Live and Let Die” during the King’s funeral. Whose bright idea was that? Only half the audience got it, and no one laughed. It was like that through the whole movie. Half would laugh at some jokes while the other half was silent and vice versa. They all cant be Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters.
Hit: The Animation
Wow, I was totally blown away. I mean this movie was almost as good animation wise as the Aqua Teen movie. ALMOST. Hell, Fiona looked JUST LIKE Cameron Diaz. Hell, it probably WAS her seeing as how she has the depth of a pudding cup. All the characters looked fantastic, even though for some reason the movie was dark as hell in the beginning. It lit up after that, though. Detail was awesome and the Prince’s hair had body and bounce. It was visually great….
Miss: The Voice Work
Aside from Puss, Donkey….hell all the SUPPORTING CHARACTERS the voice work was crap. What accent does Shrek have anyway? Iritoish? Cameron Diaz sounded like she acts: bad. As for Justin…at LEAST TRY to sound different. I so expected him to break out in ‘SexyBack’ he sounded like himself so much. Eddie has several characters and Antonio Banderas plays a typecast role, albeit hilarious. There were some really bad voiceover jobs in this movie and it made it rather annoying. I sat just hoping to have some characters shut the hell up. That shouldn’t happen, especially for the STARS OF THE MOVIE.
Overall, this movie wasn’t bad. There was very little focus on the villain subplot and too much on J-Tim (Who is officially crowned the King of Pop in this movie, no lie. He breaks out into ‘My Love’ with an animated crow T.I.) and the unfunny jokes. There is enough funny and Puss & Donkey (I am SO amped for a Puss ‘N’ Boots movie!) and funny jokes to go around but it is obvious that this movie got lost in itself a lot. Like Spiderman, there was very little fluidity to the film. Then again, since this is aimed for kids and all kids have ADD nowadays it works I guess. A good summertime watch with kids, but depending on your level of intelligence and expectations you will love it or be ‘meh.’ I am in the latter category. Shrek 3 gets…
7 Out Of 10 Stars!
(An okay movie, great big budget summer family movie if you don’t mind only laughing 50% of the time. There are enough laughs for everyone and most bad is outweighed by some hilarious voice work and an overall awesome scope of animation. BTW, the Gingerbread Man saved it from 6 out of 10. You’ll see why.)
Oh, and lastly I had a video on here the other day by Nami Uehara. She is a saucy lady that I figured to be in Yuna Ito or Yui’s class of age and hawtness. Albeit she isn’t the best singer out there, she is better than Rhianna and Kellie Pickler. Here is the problem I have. Look at this video:
First off, she is wearing Playboy clothing. I place that in the same category as ‘Porn Star’ clothing. If I wear a throwback jersey, I sadly expected to be looked at a certain way and that is just how people are. If you wear clothing with Playboy on it, you know what they are known for. They aren’t known for selling cookies or mutual funds, they are known for selling an image of sex, flat out. Not a LIFESTYLE, an image of sexuality. Here is my issue. Which is fine for adult females because adult females are free to make their own decisions. Also fine for18-24 year olds because they are REAL STUPID and you know it. Here is my issue:
2/26/1991
That is Nami Uehara’s birth date. That makes her 16 now. The videos were made LAST YEAR (and there are others made before that!) which makes her 15. At 15 years old…and dancing like that? Well that just promotes healthy behavior. I know I am all about Hinoi Team and all. That is HELLA WRONG and I will admit that. But you know what? They were not this bad. With ‘Ike Ike’ although the skirts were short all they were doing was Para Para which rules. The way she was dancing in ‘Real Me’ was just NAUGHTY AND WRONG! So wrong I must show you again!
Look at that! She is ten years younger than me! And dancing like that! Just wrong! So wrong as a matter of fact, here is ANOTHER VIDEO FROM HER!
Just….naughty. Not cool, Nami. Not cool at all. Playing with my emotions like that. Damn you, Nami Uehara! Damn you and your uber-naughty underage dancing! DAMN YOU!
Well, there are five more days until ‘Wicked’ (four day weekend, fools!) counting today and dare I say, I am excited! Then we got some Pirates of the Caribbean 3 on Friday and that is more than enough to tide me over until Transformers:
OH MY GOD! IT FEELS SO GOOD! Wow…I need to clean myself up. I will be back later on in the week, odds are Tuesday or Wednesday. Until then, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out.
