I back, bitches! It has been a few days and I was hella tired on Sunday (Who knew? After Friday and Saturday nights I so needed a break) so I didn’t post but I am back know to make it up to you. I’m sorry baby. So I have another installment of….
Chachi’s Boiling Points!!
Just a few, I am kind of calm today.
Boiling Point #1: If Rick Ross Is “The Boss” Then I Am The Duke Of New Fucking York.
Okay, we all knew that rappers were lying through their asses about being former felons and high caliber gangsters before rapping. Let’s face it, The Man keeps me from getting a mother fucking SAM’S CLUB CARD so there is no way they are letting a bunch of minimally talented niggas get that kind of scratch. So you have probably heard about the stories of Akon, Plies and our favorite non-rapping ass fat Black bastard Rick “I Can Rhyme Boss With Ross! I’m Talented!” Ross not being as felonious as they claim to be. Well, first off if you believed any of that shit you are a fuckwit. Seriously, it is like believing that all those “clean” rock stars aren’t snorting right now. They are and I really don’t care because it is their fucking life. However, I do have a problem with a few rappers out there that pretend to have this former drug dealer lifestyle that brought them so much in terms of riches…that they stop doing that to sell ringtones. Fuck you, fucky. I guess it takes too much work to get your dumb ass shot because that takes a little bit of courage (Unless you are 50 Cent in which I wish you were dead. Seriously, you are like Hitler mated with a Battletoad) and why do that when you could just lie about your hardcore past and let impressionable youths emulate you. But the weird thing is that it isn’t BLACKS that emulate them as much as it is dumb ass white kids that emulate them (More on that later….I so hate White people right now) because let’s face it: White people (Well….all other races) only get their information about Blacks from three places:
1. Your One Black Friend: Yes, you know you have that one and don’t get all pissy and say “I have more than one! I know Jamal and Kristal!” because you know I am right. Not exactly a BAD thing to have ONE Black friend but news flash: we aren’t all the same so if you speak to all of them like you speak to one Black friend you might find an Air Force One or a G-Unit up your ass. I have seen it and it is HILARIOUS.
2. BET: Sadly….since White people avoid Blacks at all points (Which you figured would be easy since we make up only 11%-13% or so if you add in the ones in prison which aint going to make you toss their salad anytime soon) they only know what they see on TV. If you have seen BET, we are either all rich with jewelry that would make Liberace look like he fucked chicks, too dumb to realize that sagging pants + gravity = falling or we are all Barack Obama which means smarter and better than you and BOY are you hating on those Blacks. Aint nothing more scary to White folks than a Black man reading. You would rather see an Arab holding a B-Bomb from Super Mario Brothers 2 while singing Quiet Riot’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It” than see a Black person with a book that doesn’t have a car, LeBron James or Nelly on it. ZING!
3. Video Games: Yeah….um….aside from Barrett name one somewhat famous Black video game character. That nigga had a GUN GRAFTED TO HIS FUCKING ARM! Now I don’t say this a lot….but that’s racist.
Long story short, people in general only get their ideas and create their mindsets about people from what they see on TV or read about on the intarweb. So when I see White people saying “Rick Rossin’ It” I kind of feel like they need to die but I can’t blame them at all. It is what we give them to form an idea on so it’s not like they are doing anything wrong aside from being douches. Now at the end of the day, it is Rick Ross’s or Plies’ (WHAT THE FUCK IS A PLIES?! I thought that nigga was a ballerina or some shit!) fault for lying and the fact they got caught isn’t a BAD thing because at least they really didn’t run around committing dumb ass crimes. I mean I have always said the only thing that keeps me from selling drugs is the fear of prison rape but at the same time know it is FUCKING STUPID to sell drugs because it is bloody illegal. So when rappers glorify that I am okay with that if that was your life. I mean if I were to rap I would kick the rhymes about Zac Efron (HE’S SO HAWT!!!11!!), K-dramas, porn, anime, animated porn, video games, J-pop and how much I hate dumb bitches and bros. At the same time, none of that is illegal (Although my love for Hinoi Team and Wonder Girls is REALLY pushing it):
Hey, if you add them up they are TOTALLY legal. Stack that jailbait up like pancakes, mofo! I kid, I kid. Back to my point. None of what I would rap about it illegal albeit in some cases offensive. Last I checked, playing Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (W00T!) isn’t a crime but distribution of narcotics….kind of IS. The fact they rap about doing it, and then didn’t do it doesn’t make them liars if they say up front “I ain’t done this shit. I say this so you will buy my ringtone! Boss!” I mean 2Pac said several times he didn’t have a single felony before he got a record deal (Which is why he is one of the few rappers I actually fucking respect because he always came clean about who he was….at some point anyway) and yet these rappers are always talking about “the Feds” and “catching a case” about shit. You know, our government may be too inept to catch Usama Bin Laden or OJ Simpson (Or R. Kelly for that matter) but they would have definitely caught your asses if you used to deal drugs. I have seen Black people beat, chased with dogs and sprayed with hoses (Bet they wish they had a raincoat!) for a lot less than poisoning the community and being an overall dipshit. You lying sons of bitches are destroying rap. Oh, and no more gangbanging in rap. Please, it’s over with. Aint no 401K or dental plan with banging on wax so put down the guns, trade your rages for a mother fucking tie and for the love of god PULL YOUR MOTHER FUCKING PANTS UP! Through playing around with ya’ll!
Boiling Point #2: Rape…It Only Hurts When You Fight It
First off, that is the funniest line ever and I don’t care who you are. Now over the last four or so years I have taken the stance that rape, much like any other crime whether it be dog fighting or domestic abuse, can be funny. Except for Ultimate Fighting Cats….not cool:
They don’t even get 5% gross. It’s WRONG! Now people (Mainly females that don’t know funny and dudes that REALLY don’t know funny) always get a raging case of IPS (BTW, for the people that have asked, IPS stands for Irritable Pussy Syndrome. And know you know) about the utter THOUGHT that rape can be considered funny. Once again, I think people are too fucking stupid to get the point of this statement which is why for a while I laughed in private. You see, humor is situational. There are very few things in life that are ALWAYS funny. However, when positioned correctly, much like a great punt return a joke about something that isn’t necessarily “funny” by conventional means can end up being fucking hilarious. George Carlin put it best:
“People always say rape isn't funny. I say fuck you! I think it's hilarious, how do you like that? I can PROVE to you that rape is funny! Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd!”
You see? That is some funny shit right there. I think that people think that when you laugh at a situational joke about something that is seen as tragic that they believe you are laughing at the act. Well, first of the ACT of rape is no funnier than the act of murder. However, people make jokes about murder all the time. Remember the Chris Rock jokes about the Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman murders?:
Or even better one of the FUNNIEST sketches in the history of TV on In Living Color with David Alan Grier in “Ike Strikes Back?”:
You see? Those were very funny but it didn’t make me want to say “Pfft, you know what’s funny? Beating bitches!” at any point. I know that rape is a crime of violence and violent crimes should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. However, you can’t sit there and tell me that the premise of Handbanana raping Carl wasn’t the funniest thing take on rape since “The Accused” or as I call it “The Biggest Reason Not To Play Pinball.”
COME ON! IT’S A JOKE! Relax, guy! Either way, as long as you aren’t doing it to be a dickweed or “edgy” (Yeah, edgy humor is for those that don’t have real jokes to tell) it is okay as long as it placed and timed correctly. That’s what humor is about: timing and delivery. Dane Cook could learn a thing from that.
Boiling Point #3: Being A Dumb Bitch Doesn’t Deserve Sympathy. It Deserves An Ass Whooping.
Well, my sister told me that Amy Winehouse was checked into a hospital today showing symptoms of being a crackhead and an overall asshat. You know what? I have had enough of Amy Winehouse. I am sicker of her than I am of Brett “Fucktard” Favre. Maybe not but she irritates me. You know, it isn’t even HER that irritates me as much as her dumb ass fans. You see, I don’t understand how she can be seen as a “hero” for admitting herself into rehab when she obviously said “no, no, no” to help and a Steve Austin “OH HELL YEAH” to crack. I mean seriously, how in the fuck do you get addicted to crack or meth? Anything you have to create that cause the risk of BLOWING YOURSELF UP OR CREATING SOMETHING LETHAL that doesn’t involve a gigai and gaining a Vizard mask is fucking stupid .l Yeah, I said it. Drug addicts piss me off and they are dipshits. I am a fattie but no one has shoved food in my face, I shove it there myself. Crack and meth are ILLEGAL TO HAVE and are known to kill you so if you do it and get addicted I don’t have any sympathy for you. Sorry, take that weak shit back to the factory like The Notorious BIG once said. Unless someone forced you to do crack cocaine, I don’t care about your rehab. No one forced Rick James to do cocaine and look at what he did. He did(n’t) grind his feet into Eddie Murphy’s couch. Although the rich mother fucker could buy another one.
Anyway, I am out. Needed to post something for the peeps. I will be back up before Friday, I promise! Until then, stay up and read the Blogger archives. Good stuff and great way to kill a few hours.
Chachi Out.
