Everybody Cut Loose! Kick Off Your Monday Shoes!

Hells yeah, peeps! It is the end of another month in 2007! Tomorrow begins May and…yeah this year is truly not looking so hot. Where is my Phantom? Where is my Lamborghini Diablo?! Where are the ladies with big booties and no clothes?! Man, Baseketball lied to me. I got the khakis and I got the job! Basic science says the next logical step is the chicks! Poppy-cock!

Eh, I should be sad but I am not. You know why? SPIDERMAN 3 ON FRIDAY, FISHES!! I already got my ticket and it is sooo going to rule my world! I am more excited to see Spiderman 3 thank Pirates 3 (mainly because of that ending) and Shrek 3. Transformers has my attention but it could really be hit or miss. I mean it should be awesome, but I’m a little afraid of it being totally ass. I was excited about ‘Masters of the Universe’ (the He-Man movie) and…that didn’t turn out so well.

Back to Spiderman 3. Is there anything on the planet more awesome that this movie? I mean really, think about it. What could be more awesome than Spidey vs. Venom? Making the Sandman an actual cool villain? Harry Osborne no longer being kind of a pussy, Dean Venture style? Peter going all gritty and grimey? Could anything rawk my face more than that aside from…Big Trouble in Little China 2? God…the thought of in makes my ears bleed with excitement! However, let us actually dive into this with a new feature of Passion of Chachi…Is There Anything?

It There Anything: More Ass-kicking than Spiderman 3?

That is a tough question, but there may be a few things that rock more than Spiderman 3…

Ninja-Vampires
Now this is a pipedream. Or a pipe nightmare depending on which school of though you are from. Just so you know, if you are not totally enamored with ninja pirates you are from the school of thought that YOU SUCK. A ninja vampire would be a entity so powerful that nothing…and I mean NOTHING could stop it. Except maybe pirate vampires. But that’s just not gonna happen. You know how much alcohol is in the bloodstream of a pirate? The BAC isn’t even a percentage, it is just rum. The awesomeness of a ninja vampire I would say would be more awesome than Spiderman 3. Now Spidey has beaten vampires (Morbius, Blade) and ninjas (The Hand, Elektra) but to combine the two would even be able to take down Spiderman. Aside from Batman (who actually WAS a ninja vampire if you want to be picky!) and The Tick, no one can come close to beating them. So yes, ninja vampires trump Spiderman 3.

Batman Begins 2
Speaking of the Bat…he does own Spidey. As probably the biggest Batman fan this side of Coast City (anyone that gets that reference gets a free Fresca) no one is looking forward to the sequel of Batman Begins more than I. Batman Begins is up there as not only the best comic book movie EVER (slightly ahead of the first Spiderman, Superman II, 300 and Road to Perdition) it stacks up to some of the other “all time great” movies. Titanic, I’m looking at you. Although Spiderman 3 will be awesome and Batman Begins 2 has Heath Ledger in it as the new Joker, it also has Aaron Eckhart as the new Harvey Dent. Anyone who saw ‘Thank You For Smoking” knows he can pull off the eventual coming of Two-Face. Not only that, Batman is more compelling than Spiderman (although I will argue the fact that Peter Parker makes a better CHARACTER than Bruce Wayne) as a hero and a character. As excited as I am for Spiderman 3 (I have had to change my underpants TWICE just talking about it) I am even MORE excited about Batman Begins Again. Heh, they can use that title.

Eggnog
If there was ever a racket, it is eggnog. It flows in like liquid glory (thanks, Joe!) every holiday season and then leaves just as quickly. It’s nutmegy, milky yet rummy goodness makes the holidays wonderful and tasty. As much as I am looking forward to Spiderman 3, I have the same excitement every October 30th because I know once Halloween ends that it is EGGNOG TIME! I heard if you are a good boy all fall, the Eggnog fairy leaves you a WHOLE GALLON of ice cold eggnog on your dresser on Christmas Eve! Combine that with the Rum Pirate (which leaves you a bottle of rum if you pillage ten villages in the calendar year. I’m up to seven already!) and you have the greatest Christmas ever. And the drunkest. So if I had to choose, eggnog rocks more than Spiderman 3. Man, I could go for some right now!

Well, those are a few things that rock more than Spiderman 3. It’s a small list, though. Be sure to go to your local movie house and check out the biggest movie to hit America since ‘Adventures in Babysitting’!

One last thing! Last year, it was The Chachi Awards (which ran into this year) and this year I have something special once again. This year I will officially open up the greatest and most exclusive club since The Babysitters Club! Man, two babysitting references in one post? That’s novel. Peeps, I give to you the next in pointless awards and achievement…

The Passion of Chachi Atrium of Awesomeness!!!

Yes, everyone else has a hall of fame. Why not have one for the most awesome of achievement in bad-assedness and kick-assedry? Wow, I am on a fucking ROLL today. Like a Pt Cruiser going over 65mph, I am on FI-YAH! There will be three inductees for 2007, one for Music, Movies and Miscellaneous. There will also be a Forum of the Fucktard for lifetime achievements in being a dipshit! I am a giver.

Now, I give you the first entrant into the Atrium of Awesomeness! He defined the 80’s with his awesome soundtrack work. His beard made us all want to look like Grizzly Adams. His lyrics inspired us to be alright and to of course….play with the boys. You know who he is. The first inductee into the Atrium of Awesomeness is…

KENNY LOGGINS!!

Congratulations! Stay tuned, peeps! The other two inductees will be announced soon and the ceremony will be at the end of May! Until next time, stay up peeps!

Chachi Out. AND GO SEE SPIDERMAN 3 THIS FRIDAY!!!

Funky Fresh Dressed With No Where To Go.

What is up, peeps! It is a BEAUTIFUL Sunday morning and I just came back in to drop some knowledge on ya’ll! First off, as many of you know (and fewer of you care) I went to see “Kickin It Old Skool” on Friday (by myself because my life is ‘teh suck’) and on Saturday because it ruled that much. Now, it is so time for a funky fresh edition of…

MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD: Pop N Lock Edition!
This Week: Kickin’ It Old Skool!

So for those of you that don’t know, this movie is about a break dancing 12-year old that during a competition he performs a move to humiliate his nemesis on the dancefloor and….busts his head, ending up in a coma for 20 years. He then wakes up in a world where hip-hop is no longer about the hippin and the hoppin, it is about the cars with rims and ladies not wearing any clothes.

First off, the whole opening segment kicks the ass with toys from Transformers, He-Man, Indian In The Cupboard (FUCK YES! THAT BOOK RULED!), Micro Machines from Galoob, MicroNaughts and of course the mightily crappy Go-Bots. That in itself was worth the trip. The biggest hilarity of this movie is the absurd possibility of the plot. For all its outlandishness…it was totally possible for a group of 32-year old men to reform a hip-hop dance crew and achieve their dreams of being professional break-dancers. I mean, if I had enough heart and soul to go out and quit my job and achieve my dreams, A2B would never have broken up and we would be singing ballads to hot Argentinian chicks rather than me reviewing this movie. Deep stuff.

This movie…was hilarious. There were jokes on the n-word, child abduction (it is funny in context, trust me) and man-boob grabbing. The performance of Michael Rosenbaum was fucking laugh out loud hilarious. From the pointless showing of his chest (?) to the subtle side comments (nothing like a well placed BURN!) he played the perfect villain to Jamie Kennedy. Maria Menudos was HAWT in this, albeit she did the worst acting job of the bunch. Well, it was okay but her first scene in the movie was laughable. I’m talking ‘MY FATHER DIDN’T STRUT’ laughable from Harry Potter. However, looking at that smile kind of negates shitty acting.

The real star of this movie is Cole. Who is Cole, you ask? Well, Cole was the leader of the Iced Cole Crew played by Jesse Brown. As a member of The Groove Crew, he taught America how to dance in DJ Dizzy's Dance Hizzy. In this movie, he STAYS straight serving fools! From his funky fresh dance moves to his HILARIOUS performance as Cole (You can dance in a video game….but can you dance in the streets?) actually stole the show for me. Trust me, if you don’t laugh at his spoof on Wade from “You Got Served” then you don’t know funny.

Speaking of ‘You Got Served’ this movie actually wasn’t bad as a parody in the dance department. Everyone has some skill, even the Funky Fresh Boys who are older and more out of shape than I am. Even the ‘krumpers’ (which I CANNOT STAND, its just Black people moshing) had some skill. Albeit it is not a serious movie, it does add a little having a true dance battle. Oh, and any training montage in a dancing movie is a welcome addition. Oh, and REO SPEEDWAGON, FOOLS! WHAT!!

All in all, the movie was good but it wasn’t without its faults. The humor was hit or miss, there are a few small plot holes (only two for the most part) and it actually ran a little long for a movie of this type. Overall, a fun time if you were in to break-dancing or the 80’s but be forewarned that it is not for kids (a lot of man ass and questionable word choices) and the non-nostalgia jokes are few and far between. Oh, and there is no Bob Saget, which loses half a star. Adding everything up, Kickin It Old Skool gets….

7.5 Out of 10 Stars!!!
(Funny stuff, funky fresh dancing, but hit or miss humor. Oh, but did I mention that Maria Menudos has a smile that could tame a ranging bear? Yeah, not a fan of the skinniness but I loves her smile Shanice style. Good movie if you are down for the b-boy stance. Peeps REPRESENT!)

Oh, and I have statement to make. Downtown Colorado Springs can eat it. First off, every club sucks. It is like a makeshift downtown Denver, and that aint saying much because downtown Denver sucks and is filled with too many White people. Colorado Springs is the exact same way, except for 50 Cent (who hasn’t even had new fucking work in a year or so) and more bros. Oh, and ladies: you DRESS UP to go to a club, not UNDRESS to go to a club. Wear some fucking clothes, have some damn class. I like every man is interested in the female anatomy. Just not in public during an Akon song.

Oh, and another thing that pissed me off. I went to Blondie’s (whatever in the fuck THAT is) with Zach and as we came in, the door douche asked for me to tuck my shirt in. I was cool with that, albeit a club in a shithole like Colorado Springs shouldn’t have a dress code anyway but rules are rules. He also after a pause asks Zach to do the same thing. As I am walking through this club and seeing the ugly…UGLY people of the CSP I notice something: NO ONE ELSE HAS THEIR SHIRT TUCKED IN. No one. Not nary a person. Hell, there was a white guy in a WIFE BEATER AND AN UNBUTTONED SHIRT WITH TATTOOS yet this fucker is concerned with my shirt being untucked. Fuck that shit.

Now I am no Polo Hilfiger-Jordache model but I believe I dress rather well. Tan dress shirt, pressed blue jeans with tan leather shoes to me is SOMEWHAT fashionable. Yet, there were people dressed like migrant workers there. Oh, and their shirts were untucked too. I don’t like to say it was racist (More than likely that was the case with only one other Black person in the club PERIOD. And his shirt was tucked in) but I will say it was fucking clownshoes. If your dress code is tucked in shirts, that is fine. Just say so. I have no problem with that. But if you ask ME to tuck in my shirt in an establishment full of white males that are either dressed a lot worse than I or have their shirts out that is bullshit. Utter and complete bullshit. If he just wanted to say I had a weapon, pat me down. If I wasn’t dressed correctly for a club (which I was, overdressed compared to 40% of the male clientele) he should have said so. Instead, Blondie’s just lost a patron. Fuck downtown Colorado Springs, fuck it in its stupid ear.

God, this is just beginning to piss me off. My life is hitting shitty levels of fall of 2006 when I got laid off or winter 2003 when my life completely went to shit (Get me drunk enough and I will SO tell you about it, just be prepared to feel an assault of obscenities like you have never heard before), albeit my own damn fault. Eh, it is just a rough patch. It is a good time for the revolution to come back; I can focus my anger to something constructive. Don’t worry, the Chachi will get it together at some point. There are people who are hurting worse than I am and this is dedicated to them:

Feel better, kiddo. Until the Chachi returns, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Pump Up The Jam!

What is up, peep! It is Friday, it’ spay day, and it is time to KICK IT OLD SCHOOL! But before I do that, it is time for what we do every Friday…

Chachi’s Top Video Countdown!

We jump right into the Countdown with two HUGE debut videos!

20. Yui – My Generation (New Entry)

OH. HELL. YES. The more Yui, the better! I just found out about this video on Thursday morning and I already have the song (I ripped from the PV) on my iPod, peeps! I can honestly say I like this song more than ‘Rolling Star’ and I LOVED THAT SONG! The video or song isn’t up there with ‘CHE.R.RY’ but few are. Yui also joins John Legend, Namie, Bi, Nelly Furtado, M-Flo and UVERworld as the only artists to have two videos on the Countdown at the same time! Oh, hell yes!
19. Orange Range – Ika Summer (New Entry)

The second new entry is from a group we haven’t seen in a coon’s age! Heh, I love that phrase. Orange Range hasn’t been on the Countdown since ‘Champione’ and it is good to see them back! I really like this video (the effects at the end are kind of bleh) but they guys all need a haircut. Damned hippies! Welcome back anyway!
18. Monkey Majik feat m-flo – Picture Perfect (Last Week #14)
From a video on the upswing to one on the down side. Monkey Majik are all over the place with TWO new videos out right now. They are putting in a lot of work this year. As for M-Flo…
17. M-Flo feat. Crystal Kay – Love Don’t Cry (Last Week #19)
He moves up two spots this week with the SEXY AS HELL Crystal Kay in tow. This video is pure M-Flo goodness and Crystal Kay is just…let me just say I have never been a leg man. Until RIGHT NOW. My god….she can work it. I cant believe she is only twenty-frickin-one! Yeesh…I just cant win, can I?
16. Home Made Kazoku – Nagaraboshi ~Shooting Star~ (Last Week #12)
HMK falls four big spots this week and is in danger of falling out of the Top 20. ‘Fantastic 3’ is making moves in my playlist so you may see it on here soon. Until then, this video holds on.
15. Maroon 5 – Makes Me Wonder (Last Week #17)

Adam Lavine and the crew move up two spots this week as they slowly move toward the Top 10. I have heard no word on the new album but I’m sure it will be here any day now. Their last album was okay but OVERPLAYED, lets hope that doesn’t happen with this one.
14. Namie Amuro – Funky Town (Last Week #15)
Namie gets her dance on up one spot this week. I realized that Namie has several tattoos. At first I thought it was a few but it is actually a lot of them. No point to that, it was just interesting to me.
13. Game feat. Kanye West – Wouldn’t Get Far (Last Week #9)
So The Game falls four spots and out of the Top 10 this week. It seems that he is on the remix to Diddy’s “Last Nite” and it actually…doesn’t make me want to Rock Bottom a four-year old. Sometimes hip hop surprises me.
12. Rascal Flats – Stand (Last Week #15)
The gang is once again knocking on the door of the Top 10. They were on American Idol on Wednesday (along with frickin Bono…) and I liked what I heard. This video also is quite cool and I swear the lead singer is Lance Bass. He has to be.
11. nobodyknows+ - Hero’s Come Back! (Last Week #16, Biggest Mover)

Believe it! I am SO GLAD Naruto doesn’t say that in Shippuuden or I am effectively blocking it out. Anyway, nobodyknows+ moves up five HUGE spots this week and is just outside the Top 10! I just got the single and oh hell yes this song is bad ass. The video is simple but thug and their catalog is pretty bad ass to boot. Well, we have made it to the Top 10!
10. Bennie K – 1001 Nights (Last Week #7)
Even with a new album out in a month, Bennie K continues to fall this week. Not to worry! I’m sure Yuki and Cico will grace us with their beauty again soon!
9. K-OS – Sunday Morning (Last Week #10)
K-OS moves up one spot this week and looks to have slowed down a tad. Still love this video, but there are some others that are getting more play…
8. Kumi Koda – Get Up & Move! (Last Week #11)
Like this one! Kumi Koda makes her long awaited return to the Top 10 after a big jump! You know if Ms. Koda has dance moves and is half dressed…she will SO be on here. Even though she has I think three videos (‘But’ is okay and ‘Aisho’ has kimonos which are HAWT) I like this one the best because she can actually dance when she aint doing the stripper moves. Welcome back to the Top Ten, but don’t get to comfortable…
7. Yuna Ito – I’m Here (Last Week #8)

….Because you have some competition! Yuna Ito moves up one spot this week and keeps Ms. Koda at bay. Can you say CATFIGHT, peeps! All I can say is me in the middle of that would be quite the nice sandwich. Normally I am against the ‘Whoomp! There It Is’ (The Tag Team, which I think is a waste of a good woman IMHO) but in this case…I likes a lot.
6. Daughtry – It’s Not Over (Last Week #3, two weeks at #1)
So Daughtry leaves the Top Three for the first time since February and lands at #6 this week. He had a great run, knocking Namie Amuro of the top and tying with John Legend for a week. Looks to be the front runner for New Artist of the Year!
5. Three Days Grace – Never Too Late (Last Week #6)
TDG is slowly and quietly making their way up the Countdown this week. Kind of like Evanescence, they have kind of been sneaking around in my iPod until ‘One-X’ is one of the most played albums I have. It’s working and TDG has their first Top Five video!
4. Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend (Last Week #5)
Slowly but surely, Avril is moving up as well! She is no Yuna Ito…but Avril has her moments of hawtness. Sadly, her manga is real and is being released supposedly in May. I will so not by buying that. Now if Bryan Adams did a manga…I would so be all over that! Anyway, it is time for the big three!
3. John Legend – PDA (We Just Don’t Care) (Last Week #1, four weeks at #1)

Oh no! After a month holding down the top, which is the longest this year, John Legend falls to #3 this week! That is quite the shocker, but he had an awesome run and seems to be a front runner for Artist of the Year. You know what this means…NEW NUMBER ONE VIDEO!! Who is it?
2. UVERworld – Zero no Kotae (Last Week #4)

The boys of UVERworld are looking for their FOURTH Number One video as the move up two places to #2! Without a doubt, ‘BUGRIGHT’ has the Album of the Year on lockdown and this video is up there as well so far! Can it take the top spot? We will have to see! Until then, we have a new #1 video!
1. Yui – CHE.R.RY (Last Week #2, one week at #1)

Congratulations to Yui! Not only does she have her second #1 video, she has TWO videos in the Top 20 to boot! Big year for the uber-hawt Yui! I love this song and I finally got over the deer in the video! I still don’t trust them, though. So far, Yui is two for two in 2007, great work!

Well, that is all for this week! Can Yui hold on to the top spot for a second week? Or will UVERworld have their record breaking FOURTH #1 video? Can John Legend reclaim his throne? Or can Avril leap over them all for her first Number One ever? Tune in next week and find out! I will try to be up Sunday night for a review of ‘Kickin It Old School’ but until then, stay up peeps!

Chachi Out!

Release Your Inner Roboto!

Okay, peeps. Enough with the serious stuff, I get the point. You have come to expect scathing wit, offensive humor and total irreverent (and irrelevant) conversation and I aim to please!

As most of you know, j-pop has dominated my car stereo play and my iPod playlist. If you don’t listen to it, you are kind of missing out. Now I know that the music is in a different language but so is hip hop and country. You listen to that don’t you? Hell, you listen to Akon and that man has no redeeming musical qualities whatsoever. With all that said, it is time to continue what I started in August (man that was a while back!) with a look into what I like and how to compare it to what you dig!

Learnin' With Master Chief Captain Chachi’s J-Pop 201

Welcome class. SIT THE FUCK DOWN! Thank you. Now we covered a few of my favs last time with Kumi Koda, HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR and Orange Range. Now it is time to step it up a little bit with some more complex tunes from across the Pacific! First, we have probably my favorite artist right now:

If You Like Michelle Branch, You’ll Love: Yui

Mmm….Yui. Anyone who reads this blog, rides in my car or hears my ringtones knows how much I love Yui. Ever since her first album (which I got on accident looking for Yoko Ishida. Cosmic) I have been a total fan of her. Then when she made the 5th ending theme form Bleach with ‘Life’ I was hooked. In her total hotness, she plays guitar a la Michelle Branch and write most of (if not all) of her own songs. She makes great videos as we all saw ‘Rolling Star’ and ‘CHE.R.RY’ and her live performances are awesome. Her voice takes a while to get used to if you aren’t into acoustic or modern rock but once you get into it, she will totally be your hawtie. She’s mineJ “Can’t Buy My Love” is in stores now! Next, we have a band I heard of a while back but didn’t really get into until I heard them on Death Note (which rules your face in its’ own right)…

If You Like System of a Down, Static X and ska fusion, You’ll Love: Maximum the Hormone

HELLS YES! I first heard of these guys on torrent I got last year and it snuck onto my iPod. The song was ‘Koi no Megalover’ and it was ‘teh rawk’. I didn’t find much from them (mainly because their name wasn’t said, they were just Track 9 and the title) but I found some other work and it really got me into them. Then once day I downloaded the new Death Note and there was this song. This song made me want to break everything in my room. It was that fucking awesome. It was heavy as hell and loud for no reason, the way rock should be, DAMMIT! I had to have the album and my god. It is all over the place in a good way. There is some ska elements in ‘Kuso Breakin Nou Breakin Lily’ (translation, anyone?) and some mainstream elements in ‘Lousiana Bob’. There is something from Maximum for every fan of every style of rock. Needless to say, they rock your face. Next….no words describe…

If You Like Usher & J-Tim (minus egos) & Funky Fresh Dancing, You’ll Love: Bi (Rain)

This man has created a paradigm shift in the way that pop music….nay….music in GENERAL will be formulated from this day forward. I had heard some Bi here and there between my love of BoA and the funkiness of Se7en (Passion Remix kicks ass!) but man then I heard ‘Free Way.’ That song…changed my life for the better. Seriously, my life has looked up ever since. After that, the video for ‘I’m Coming’ came out and so did I. Hard and repeatedly. I so couldn’t stop. DANCING YOU PERVS! Bi has the dope dance moves, the bishie looks (even I can’t deny he is approaching Gackt levels of hawt) and the groovy tunage to make for a great addition to your collection. Oh, and for a sexy ballad, put on some ‘Move On’ or ‘Without You’ for some relax time with your baby boo. I haven’t had the chance to use them MYSELF, but I am sure the ladies will swoon. Oh, and he is KOREAN not Japanese. I am fully aware and even with that he is totally the man right now. Up next is something I just got into a few months ago…

If You Like Fall Out Boy mixed with a little Hoobastank, You’ll Love: Abingdon Boys School

Now I am new to these guys, I must admit. I found them while trying to find episodes of D-Gray Man on Isohunt (The manga was cool after three volumes, if you are interested). Their song ‘Innocent Sorrow’ was the opening theme and my fucking god! This song was BAD ASS! They have the lyrical stylings of Fall Out Boy (catchy refrains and unrelenting vocals) yet they have the ‘we wanna rock but wanna be radio friendly’ musical work of Hoobastank and Incubus as well. I have only heard two other songs from them, but ‘Howling’ is pretty damn good as well. If you are into rock a little, they kind of make you stop the dial and say ‘Hold the phone, what the hell was that?’ You stay for the listen and gradually get hooked. Now is going to come a shocker for those that know me and my love/hate relationship with the next guy…

If You Like Ja Rule (WHERE’S JA?!), You’ll Love: Seamo

Okay…alright. Settle down class! First off, Ja Rule was not THAT BAD! He was just everywhere for too long. Besides, everyone else sang their own hooks after him as well so they have no complaints. Seamo has surprisingly picked himself up in the lyrical and singing department. As many of you know, the first 30 seconds of Bennie K’s “Love Story” made me want to uppercut a puppy in the gut. It pissed me off that bad. After a while his verses grew on me (except the ‘CRUNK!’ at the beginning). Since, his body of work has improved as has his skills. He was quite Ja Rule-like on ‘Sotsugyou Soshite Miraihe’ with Monkey Majik (who will be in J-Pop 450: J-Pop Advanced) and his new song ‘Cry Baby’ is nice and catchy. The big jump is shown in “Fantastic 3” with Home Made Kazoku in which he actually rips up the mic! If you dig “hip-pop” then you will dig yourself some Seamo. Lastly…

If You Like Christina Aguilera (pre-Dirrty) You’ll Love: Yuna Ito

DAAAAAH! My future wife until May J lifts the restraining order! First off, Yuna Ito can sing. And when I mean sing I mean SING. Listen to ‘Truth’ and tell me she doesn’t have a majestic voice, even in a language you don’t understand. Her vocal range is awesome and her songs great to listen to no matter what the mood. Oh, and she is quite the nice. I mean DAMN. Check out the video for ‘Losin’ and tell me that aint the combo of awesome song and damn saucy lady. Not only that, she has some funky fresh dance moves in her videos and live shows! Nothing beats ill moves, peeps. Has the voice of Christina, the moves of BoA (Okay, maybe not BoA but they are still good) and the hawtness of Sowelu. Who is HAWT. Look her up, guys. She is nice.

And that is the lesson for today. Your homework: make a 30 second freestyle dance routine to Bi’s “I’m Coming”. Be prepared to get loose for the class. I will also accept Para Para and break dancing as long as it is dope. Class dismissed!

Well, that is all for now. I may be back up tomorrow (four posts in a week is kind of my limit) but I will definitely be up Friday for the Video Top 20 Countdown. Until then, stay up.

Chachi Out.

THIS Is Why Men Are Fucking Stupid.

Okay, first off MySpace sucks. I swear on everything the fucker never works. From spam friends to never accepting a post it all-round sucks. FIX IT!

Secondly, I was actually going to not post this on Blogger, just the 'Bulletins' section of the MySpace but I decided why not let my five Blogger readers see my fury of stupid men? I got this from a friend of mine at The Q (Rick) and he went OFF in his bulletin about how much this guys theories on how to get a woman and what men do wrong. After reading, I decided a post was a better place to air out my response, mainly because this is my diary/venting point and aside from one or two things in my life (which if you want to know I will answer), every thing I have done has been an open book to my Blogger readers.

Okay…I am going to stay calm. I know women don’t get men (despite what Cosmo may tell you) but I guess men don’t get (understand) women because they take advice from other STUPID ASS MEN! God…I replied to each one of these as calmly as I could…

“MISTAKE #1: BeingToo Much Of A "Nice Guy"
Have you ever noticed that the really attractive women never seem to be attracted "nice" guys?Of course you have.Just like me, I'm sure you've had attractive female friends that always seemed to date "jerks"... but for some reason they were never romantically interested in YOU.What's going on here?It's actually very simple...Women don't base their choices of men on how "nice" a guy is. They choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them.And guess what?Being nice doesn't make a woman FEEL that powerful ATTRACTION.And being NICE doesn't make a woman CHOOSE you.I realize that this doesn't make a lot of logical sense, and it's hard to ACCEPT... but GET OVER IT.Until you accept this FACT and begin to act on it, you'll NEVER have the success with women that you want.”

Okay, so you are basically saying that women want to be treated like crap? Well yeah, stupid women do. This guy is basically saying that women are attracted at the primal level. That there is no depth in terms of personality that women find attractive. If she is a total trollop whore, I can agree with that. The simple fact is no man starts off as a jerk. Some do, I have seen them and they do get women. But have you seen the women they get? They get women that EXPECT TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT FROM A JERK! So this dude is really just saying that ‘dumb women get dumber guys’ which isn’t new. And neither is women dating jerks. Like I said, no man starts off as a jerk (at least from the information I have gathered and the relationships I have witnessed), he gradually senses that she has either become comfortable with his shit or has low enough self esteem to be treated like crap and accept it. I know, I have seen it and I have been there. As for not getting what I want because of being nice. I am not nice. Ask any woman that knows me and she will tell you. I am as abrasive and a fucking rusty chainsaw with a bad motor. Men who are jerks get women because those are the kind of guys those women are attracted to. Is it the majority? No. Are the majority of men jerks? And fucking how. Now if there are more women than men, and the majority of men are jerks…where do you think the odds lie? Come on, fucker numbers are more relevant than emotions. For a dickhole that speaks about ‘logic’ you cant use is with ‘emotion’. The two are parallel fucking lines and never intersect. Moron.

MISTAKE #2: Trying To"Convince Her To Like You
What do most guys do when they meet a woman that they REALLY like... but she's just not interested?Right! They try to "convince" the woman to feel differently.Well, I have news for you... YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A WOMAN "FEELS" WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION!Never, ever, EVER.You cannot CONVINCE a woman to feel differently about you with "logic and reasoning".Think about it.If a woman doesn't "feel it" for you, how in the world do you expect to change that FEELING by being "reasonable" with her?But we all do it.When a woman just isn't interested, we beg, plead, chase, and do our best to change her mind.Bad idea. One that will never work.”

Wow, I will admit I’ve been there. Never did I try to change myself; I changed my actions which was WORSE. When a woman isn’t interested in me but I am in her, I chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. It sucks, but it is fucking life. If she aint interested, let her go. I don’t agree with you because odds are you should know she aint interested from jump street. As a comm. Major we are taught to read non-verbals and I believe I read them well. I don’t CARE a lot of the times but I know signs of non-interest.“

MISTAKE #3: Looking To HerFor Approval Or Permission
In our desire to please women (which we mistakenly think will make them like us), us guys are always doing things to get a woman's "approval" or "permission".Another HORRIBLE idea.Women are NEVER attracted to the types of men who kiss up to them... EVER.Don't get me wrong here.You don't have to treat women BADLY for them to like you.But if you think that treating a woman well means "always getting her approval and permission for things", think again.You will never succeed by looking for approval. Women actually get ANNOYED at men who seek their approval.Doubt me? Just ask any attractive woman if Wussy guys who chase her around and want her approval annoy her...”

Wow, this is funny. I could give a fuck about whether a woman thinks I am unfunny, abrasive, anti-social, mean, rude or an overall asshole. You know why? That’s me. Maybe this dude is just a sissy but I don’t ask for permission from ANY woman aside my mom. And that’s because she will cut me on general purpose. If it is something that is a unified decision then we compromise. I am grown and so is she. Asking for permission is asinine. The way I look at it, you shouldn’t have to ask permission because if you are together, you should be doing whatever it is you are asking together or the other party would understand the situation and be fine with the independence. An ex asked my permission about something and I asked her if she was twelve. We didn’t last long, but my point was made.“

MISTAKE #4: Trying To "Buy" Her Affection With Food And Gifts
How many times have you taken a woman out to a nice dinner, bought her gifts and flowers, and had her REJECT you for someone who didn't treat her even HALF as well as you did?If you're like me, then you've had it happen a LOT.Well guess what? It's only NATURAL when this happens...That's right, I said NATURAL.When you do these things, you send a clear message:"I don't think you'll like me for who I am, so I'm going to try to buy your attention and affection". Your good intentions usually come across to women as over-compensation for insecurity, and weak attempts at manipulation. That's right, I said that women see this as MANIPULATION.”

Heh, this is interesting. Women are ingrained to feel that they are being manipulated by men any-fucking-way so it is a Catch-22. Any woman that expects you to pay for her at all points (and Rick will tell you I have been there and we weren’t EVEN DATING) is a whore. You are, get over it. I pay because I want to. Hell, I pay for my male friends sometimes and that isn’t because I am ‘insecure about our relationship’. Its because it is the cool thing to do sometimes. Whoever is giving this insight got fucked over and is looking for a reason for why. Never look for a reason because closure on emotional situations (which dating/courting is) is different by situation. This person is blanketing a result of one situation and relaying it to a few similar situations, by doing so is trying to address all situations everyone will have this point forward. Good job, fucky.“

MISTAKE #5: Sharing"How You Feel" Too Early InThe Relationship With Her
Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most men make with women is sharing how they "feel" too early on.Attractive women are rare. And they get a LOT of attention from men. Most men don't realize this, but attractive women are being approached in one way or another ALL THE An attractive woman is often approached several times a DAY by men who are interested. This translate into dozens of times per week, and often HUNDREDS of times per month.And guess what?Attractive women have usually dated a LOT of men.That's right. They have EXPERIENCE.They know what to expect.And one thing that turns an attractive women off and sends her running away faster than just about anything is a guy who starts saying "You know, I really, REALLY like you" after one or two dates.This signals to the woman that you're just like all the other guys who fall for her too fast... and can't control themselves.Don't do it. Lean back. Relax.There's a much better way...”

Okay, let me lay this down because I can say I have seen it a lot in my years. ALL women are approached by ALL TYPES of men. Except nice, jaded guys because we are under the assumption they will say no. First off, if a woman looks at a relationship as a power struggle of who shows their feelings first then she is a bitch and deserves to be treated poorly. I hate to say that but it is the same for men so shut the fuck up. If you are comfortable in telling the woman you have feelings for how you feel and she says ‘Gear down, big shifter’ that is normal. It takes time to figure out how you feel about someone (SOMETIMES LIKE 3 FUCKING YEARS). Any man that says that after two dates unless they have known each other for a while is either looking for tang, fucking insane or doesn’t FULLY mean it but sort of feels funny in pants when she is around. Maybe YOU said that after two dates and she ran, but you are obviously a fucktard.

“MISTAKE #6: Not "Getting" How Attraction Works For Women
Women are VERY different from men when it comes to ATTRACTION.You need to accept this fact, and deal with it.When a man sees a beautiful, young, sexy woman, he INSTANTLY feels a sexual attraction.But does the same apply for women?Do women feel sexual attraction to men based mostly on looks? Or is something else going on?Well, after studying this topic for over five full years now, I can tell you that women usually have their "attraction mechanisms" triggered by things OTHER than looks.Have you ever noticed that you see a lot more average and unattractive men with beautiful women than the other way around?Think about it.Women are more attracted to certain qualities in men... and they're attracted to the way a man makes them FEEL than they are to looks alone.If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.But it's not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this.

*Sigh* What a fucking moron. There is nothing to “get” about attraction. It is special for each person which is why magazines suck so much ass. Women are attracted to different traits just like men are. Hell, some men think that women that curse are unattractive and I find that shit FUCKING HAWT. Some women find assholes attractive and that is fine and dandy like red vine candy. There is nothing to learn because it changes, just like human emotions do. To ‘learn’ emotions is pointless because once again, they are special for the individual. If you don’t have that facter in that person that makes you attractive to them then they may just not be the one for you. Shit, this isn’t Felicity where you can make Ben love you if he just realizes you are made for each other. Bullshit, love is what love is. It is unpredictable, has no rhyme or reason and for the most part is unknowing. You don’t learn love, you embrace it when it happens, you fuck.

“MISTAKE #7: Thinking That ItTakes Money And Looks
One of the most common mistakes that guys make is giving up before they've even gotten started... because they think that attractive women are only interested in men who have looks and money... or guys who are a certain height... or guys who are a certain age.And sure, there are some women who are only interested in these things.But MOST women are far more interested in a man's personality than his wallet or his looks.There are personality traits that attract women like a magnet...And if you learn what they are and how to use them, YOU can be one of these guys.YOU DO NOT have to "settle" for a woman just because you aren't rich, tall, or handsome.Let me say this again: If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Looks are just as important to men as they are to women. As for money: Akon. That man is ugly as an Ugandan Yeti Raper and twice as stupid. Listen to him talk and he has very little redeeming about him but he gets women because he is rich and a percentage of women are fucking morons that want to fuck a celebrity. So it DOES take money and looks don’t let anyone fool you. It is whether that is the ONLY criteria that is at question. Like I stated in my rant about ‘What’s Wrong With Being Shallow’ there is nothing wrong with liking what you like. It is their own preference and who the hell am I to change them? However, the point is by being narrow-minded and judgmental they could be missing out on a very good person. It’s not up for you to decide. If they are interested, they will respond in turn or hell, they may go after you. I don’t speak from experience, women hate me. Even still, I may be ugly, but you are wrong.

“MISTAKE #8: Giving AwayAll Of Your Power To WomenEarlier I mentioned that it's a mistake to look to a woman for approval or permission.Well, another similar tactic that a lot of guys use is GIVING AWAY THEIR POWER to women.Said differently, guys try to get women to like them by doing whatever the woman wants.Another bad idea...Women are NEVER attracted to men that they can walk all over... Women aren't attracted to Wussies!”

Wow, not only are you a fucktard but you are redundant. You must have been shocked by a car battery. You see, there is a difference between doing something to get a woman to like you and doing something because you want to. Women can perceive it however they want. Fuck them if they cant adjust because I know I wont be. There are men that get walked over because they want to be liked and there are men that do things for women because they like them. Subtle difference. Either way, it is all in how the woman perceives it. I cant force or change the way she thinks. If I did, she is weak-minded and I aint with that. If I open a door, pull out a chair and always pay and she respects that because she knows I care that’s one thing. However, if she EXPECTS that then the issue is hers. Now if you buy her gifts and do as she says in fear of losing her, not in the feeling of caring about her then you are indeed a ‘wussie’. I guess 1989 is back in effect. Besides, any woman that sees a relationship as a power struggle…shouldn’t be in a relationship.

“MISTAKE #9: Not KnowingEXACTLY What To Do In EachType Of Situation With WomenNow I'm going to blow your mind...A woman ALWAYS knows what you're thinking.Women are approximately TEN TIMES better than men at reading body language. That's ten TIMES.I know, it might be hard to believe. But for example, if you're out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it.And if you don't know exactly what to do and exactly HOW to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won't help!And this goes for ALL aspects of women and dating...Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical... everything.If you don't know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING.And you KNOW it.

The more I read, the more I realize that these are the people that create the need for The Revolution. The simple fact is that if women were better at reading body language and non-verbals, there would be more female world leaders. Yeah, I went there. Every comedian says that a woman knows exactly how a date is going to go and men are just along to connect the dots. If that is the case, fine. I really don’t care. If on my few interactions with women, if I made a wrong turn and didn’t kiss when I was supposed to (or did when I wasn’t. WOW those are funny) they you know what? Live and learn. If every woman had the exact same blueprint then there wouldn’t be date rape or no babies would be born. Women, JUST LIKE (some) MEN, are all different. At least I would hope so as much as you claim to be individuals. Women don’t always know what a man is thinking. You know why? Because the human mind has been a quandary since the dawn of time and to even SUGGEST that women have had the answer to brain waves and conceptualized thought with a brain one half the size of a mans (its science, look it up) is preposterous. You are just looking for tang by giving women too much credit. Or too LITTLE credit by saying they are simple creatures of habit and can be caught by shiny objects and following your stupid little steps. The human being is complex, men and women are both individuals and they should be treated as such, not lumped into a generic little box so you can explain your past shortfalls with the opposite sex.

“It is VITALLY important that you know EXACTLY how to go from one step to the next with a woman... from the first meeting, all the way to the bedroom.”

Even if this last statement IS the case, I will reiterate that NO…WOMAN…IS…THE…SAME. To suggest so shows that you have learned NOTHING from your past experiences. I really am questioning the legitimacy of this article or whatever it is because it is completely stupid. In the end, women are attracted to who they are attracted to you. If you have to CONVINCE a woman to be attracted to you then you are a very, very sorry man and she is an even WORSE of a woman. If you present yourself and she says ‘Hey, this dude isn’t a total asshat’ and things go from there, that is the first step of getting to know someone.

This is the ONLY time you will ever hear me address anything about love. I have a format of the irreverent and the irrelevant to focus on here.

Besides in the immortal words of the late, great poet Jermaine Stewart:

Kind of ironic he died from AIDS. Even still, great song with a good message. Now come on, girl let’s get some cherry wine! Heh, Kandice gets it.

And that is all for today. I am odds are going to post date this rant and I will be back on Thursday. I am going to try a post a day for about a week or so. Tell me how you feel about that, peeps. I am about to listen to DespairsRay. Heard a song on someone’s MySpace page (I don’t know your name! I’m a horrible friend!) and now I’m hooked. Until the next time…

Chachi Out

Treat Her Like A Lady. SMACK HER ASS!

Good morning, everyone! It is a cold and snowy (?!) morning here in the CSP and all I can say is this is finally beginning to suck. It is April, this is getting a little pointless. I really need to kick Al Gore in the shins because this is NOT global warming. Oh, and for that PowerPoint presentation he called a movie. The 18 minutes I saw sucked ASS.

Okay, now as the regular readers may have noticed (all three of you) I have softened my stance on women as being succubi, destroyers of mankind (ironic, since they have wombs and all but life is a quandary) and dumber than zebras. Although the last one gets proved everytime I go to the club (can’t defeat science, ladies) the other two aren’t all true. However, something is bugging me. This isn’t just about women, this is about the idiocy of men mostly. Now, it is time for a new segment of the Passion of Chachi…

Chachi Line News Reports!

What Ever Happened to Chivalry?

Chivalry. Everyone knows what the word is, but what exactly does it mean? Most importantly, why is it so vilified? The reason I ask is simple. As one whose momma didn’t play no games (well she did, it was called ‘Smack A Fool For Living’) she taught me several things about women in my life:

Everyone deserves a good ass-kicking. You just should NEVER hit a woman.
Treat a woman like a woman whether she is with you or not.
Those dogs can smell drugs. So you gotta kick them in the nose! (Not about women per se, but this has came in handy a few times)
Be a gentleman, but don’t let a woman take advantage of you.

She told me some other stuff, but it was odds are while I was in a Sharpshooter and was blinded by pain. Long story short, my mom taught me be respectful, but to not be taken advantage of. Now I am an asshole and a pushover. Wow….that girl was right, I really don’t listen.

Anyway, back to the point. Yesterday I opened the door for a friend of mine and she said ‘You don’t have to open the door for me’ to which I replied ‘Yes, I do.’ After a lengthy (and partial listened to because Maximum the Hormone was on my deck and they are the mad notes) I asked why do women always get rather defensive about any act of a man just doing what is fucking normal? Then she said something that really put it all down. Something I didn’t want to accept because I couldn’t believe we had become such a sucky ass society:

“It’s the exception, that’s all”

Wow. Since when did doing what you were supposed to do become the exception and not the norm? It reminds me of the Chris Rock comments about fathers that raise their children. It is your JOB to take care of your fucking kids, you don’t deserve kudos. I don’t care if it isn’t the norm; it is what you are supposed to do. I think that as a man, you are supposed to open a door or pull a chair out for a woman. I don’t want a fucking cookie and I don’t necessarily need a thank you for it. Oh, and if you are a woman and you think that a man that shows you any form of kindness automatically wants to fuck you then you are a whore and listen to too many comics and worthless fucks that have no concept of being a gentleman. More on that later. Oh I am SO going back to that shit.

So why is chivalry all but dead? Well, it is a two way street of both women being raised stupid and men just being BORN stupid. A simple breakdown of what I have learned over the last 26 years of my life about women, men and the dynamic between the two leads me to believe that these are some (not all, but the major) reasons of the end of chivalry as we know it:

1) Men Aren’t Taught How To Be (Normal) Men
Okay, I am really getting sick of this shit right here. I know that men are supposed to be sex-crazed, sports-obsessed, disgusting forces of nature that are expected to command and conquer all they see. Well guess what? Last I checked, evolution happens (fuck intelligent design because men aint intelligent and the design leaves a lot to be desired) and really should have taken massive steps past clubbing women and taking them to the cave to make babies. Being a man aint about fucking, fighting and farting. It is protecting, providing and procuring knowledge to pass on. If all you can teach your kid is how to get a woman drunk enough to fuck you and the intricacies of a 46 defense (which truthfully is very effective with the right personnel) then congratulations. You are a leading force in the Dumbening of America. It’s people like you why kids are having sex in class and can’t find Oklahoma on a map of the United States. Way to help the gender, you ass.
2) Women Aren’t Taught How To Be Women
Yeah, I so went there. Women were at a crossroads in 1998 like Blacks were at a crossroads in the mid-1970’s. Instead of attempting to, I don’t know USE the rights that women fought for in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s you by attempting to create a better image and lifestyle for the next generation of women to lead you instead chose to get back tattoos, embrace your inner whore and forget that with power comes responsibility. I understand that women have every right to be defensive because a lot of men out their were raised (or grew up) stupid. However, and it pains me to say this, if you think the worst of people, all you will get is the worst out of life. I always say that I have given up on people and that people suck. I don’t honestly believe that because if I did I wouldn’t have met Rick, Zach, Kandi, Jen, D’Ann and most importantly Griff. Hell, people tried to get us to FIGHT on his first day and we hashed that out. Thinking the worst of men is a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy (and boy do I know about that) so if you think that all men aint shit, that’s all you will get because that is what you expect to get and it is WHAT YOU WILL GET. It’s not rocket science, its Communications.
3) Not EVERY Man Is Trying To Screw You
Now this goes against everything any woman has ever heard. Every comedian says it and every man says it because…well men are fucking stupid and for the most part lack originality. Men may invent the majority of the technological advances but actually thinking for ones self died with the rhetors of old. Nick and I had this discussion in great detail every fricking Friday and we just never got it. It is ingrained in every female at some point that all every man wants to do is fuck them Which can be seen as true. However, I hate to burst your bubble ladies but the chalice isn’t as much as a commodity as it used to be. If the vagina was currency, it would be the Euro. Sure, some of the lesser, crappier and swarthier countries use it, but REAL countries only take it when the time is right (i.e. when you are tourist dumb enough to change all your dollars into it). See, I am the King of Metaphors. Seriously, any woman that thinks that has a real low opinion of themselves that they believe that no man is interested in them enough to think that they are nothing more than a glory hole with a face. First off, you can never say all because if there is an exception then it becomes the rule and “all” is no longer a feasible option as one difference eliminates total uniformity in your logic. You can say “most” but even still that is a reach.

I think the real statement is “All men that YOU have dealt with have wanted to fuck you.” At that point it is soul searching time. I for example felt that all women were succubi in college. Then I realized it was the women that I dealt with that emotionally drained and mentally wrecked me to the point that I felt that I was un-dateable. By making me feel that way, it got to the point that when a female DID want to date me (like once every Olympic year or so, give or take a Goodyear Games year) I convinced myself that she didn’t. Sad, but true. I realized that was a stupid way to live (after a come to Jesus meeting my senior year with a female friend of mine that pretty much said stop being a punk ass trick and go for it. Funny story, I’ll tell you about it in a one off if you want to hear about it) and got over that. Now I am just bitter for humor reasons and to teach the young. I’m like a bitter Yoda.

Back to the original point. The simple fact is that a slight majority (from what I have noticed from my friends it’s about 60-65%) of women believe that when a man is nice to you, he is trying to get something from you. Well ladies, here is the sad truth. If a man REALLY wanted to “get” you, he would by any means necessary. That is a sad and scary statement but face it. It’s true. School violence is a reality, terrorism is a reality and men what will “dope and grope” is a reality. Be smart, ladies. Get a sippy cup. No spill AND you can get spiffy designs! Besides, any man that is willing to “drug and rub” will odds are not pull out your chair, open your door or pay for your dinner, even if you aren’t dating. Most pervert assholes are also cheap. Can I get an amen from Rick and the congregation about the Lazy Negro Theory?! It is an easy way to weed out the pricks from the gentlemen.
4) It Is Just The Right Thing To Do (IMHO)
You know what? Ignorance is spreading at an alarming rate. When someone is stupid (grinds on you at the club, buy you a drink that you didn’t see poured, is completely vulgar and disrespectful) to a woman in the club, usually she does nothing to stop it because it is expected. Yet, any act of normalcy (saying excuse me, standing to shake hands when someone comes to the table, no interrupting a conversation) is met with a weird look. Since when what doing the right thing seen as the wrong thing? I’m sorry, I open fucking doors. I’m a renegade male, it is how I do things. When a woman and go to lunch or dinner, I pay. It’s not a status thing (Ask Visa cause them fuckers aint NEVER getting paid) because I am poor and it is not because I am expecting some. It is because it is the right thing to do. As a woman, if you feel that because a man buys you a cookie that he is expecting some nookie you have no respect for yourself and you have no respect for him. Some men don’t deserve the respect and I will admit that. Hell, I know some of them. Some of us live with some of them. Some of you ladies DATED SOME OF THEM FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. You know who you are. In the end, as geeky as it sounds love (if you believe in it) is like a computer program. Garbage in, garbage out. If you go at it half-assed, you get a half-assed result. Same with chivalry. If you do what you should, nothing can come out of it but good. You got that right, turkey! Anyone notice that Blaster from Transformers and Roadblock from GI Joe were the same guy. And spoke in rhyme? Now THAT’S RACIST.
5) No One Knows What To Do.
Okay, this is no ones fault really. Most men don’t KNOW to open doors for women because they have never been taught. Most women don’t KNOW to take a jacket of a date or put one on (I was TOTALLY shocked when that happened on Friday, I will admit) is proper etiquette. In the end….no one really knows what to do.

In closing, I’m not saying America should be like LARPing with the whole ‘milady’ and ‘milord’ bullshit. However, some things are just courteous and chivalry is one of them. It isn’t about being manly or ladylike; it is about being a fucking nice person. It bugs me that being an asshole is the norm for men, and women allow it. Now ladies I am not saying to always expect a man to open your doors or pay for your meals. That’s disrespectful and how you get hit with a Muscle Buster, Samoa Joe style. A little kindness and courtesy goes a long way, in my opinion. I’m just saying. Aaaaaand that is my rant.

Well, that is all for now peeps. I will try to be back tomorrow for an American Idol recap! Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out!

R3: The Revolution Has Been Re-Broughten! Again.

Hey, everybody! I’m back after about…twelve hours or so. I should really have a schedule for the blogging, but what can I say. I’m a renegade blogger, it’s how I do things. Well, it is the beginning of another workweek (boo to that shit) but it aint so bad. I got my “Wicked” tickets and got my tickets to “A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum” (Stand back! I take large steps!) which are pretty kick ass after finding out exactly where the hell they were. I am annoyed that there aren’t many good shows in the Springs (the last was the Pirates of Penzance, but I got stood the fuck up) but eh, thems the breaks.

So during my weekly excursion to the comic book store during my lunch break, I hung out and spoke to the comic book guys. Yeah…I’m a geek. Per usual, we had our rants about Garth Ennis (who never met a baby he couldn’t kill in a comic) and Brian Michael Bendis (who never met a superhero he couldn’t revamp/fuck up) and the conversation turned to something interesting. With the popularity of Heroes, 300 and other comic related vehicles/properties what ever happened to the superhero?

Now Zach and I had a conversation about how comics will never be in the mainstream in terms of prime time TV because they don’t relate to regular people. I have always been a believer in that is what makes a SUPERHERO. After reading Civil War, even after how heart wrenching the deaths of Bill Foster (Black Goliath) and Steve Rogers (Captain America, who earned MEGA cool point from me after standing up for not only what being American was about, but what being a hero was about) I realized that Marvel comics are going to suck ass for a LONG TIME.

For those that know, the aftermath of the Civil War is that heroes must now register as ‘superheroes’ and be supported/work for the government. They are now pretty much just government employees that can move buildings. By being forced to work for various governments and join teams to fight crime, they are no longer superheroes. They are…super-people? Spider-man was a superhero with human problems (coping with the power that he received and understanding the responsibility of not only being a hero but a human being). His conflicts were what defined him because in the end, even with the age old line (With great power comes great responsibility) it was his CHOICE to go out and make a difference using the powers given to him. He wasn’t forced to, he just made the right choice to help those that couldn’t. By Bendis creating this continuity of registered superheroes, they are no longer ‘superheroes’. At this point, they are just police officers or soldiers. As heroic as they are, it is their job to do so. Characters like Batman and Green Arrow used their abilities to fight for what is right, above and beyond what was required of them. It isn’t their responsibility to save their cities from crime, it is a choice. A role they took on to make a scary world safe. By taking away the choice, you take away the hero. Congratulations, Bendis. First you redid the Clone Wars and now you have destroyed Marvel Comics. I bet you rear naked choke puppies too, you sick bastard.

So yesterday I officially started the SABTAM (Send Akon Back To Africa Movement) and it seems I was justified. First he was working with “The King of R&Pee” R.Kelly. Then he decided to make shitty song after shitty song that women seem to love for no apparent reason. Then he gave the world T-Pain, the world’s number one predalope. For those that don’t know, I got that from Griff. I believe it means “half Preadtor, half antelope, ALL UGLY.” Now, to complete the Teen Thumping Trinity of Perverts (or 3TP as I will call them) Akon is now working with Michael Jackson. Man…I don’t know what to think anymore.

You know, I hate the fact that people say ‘Akon does charity for Africa! Why do you hate him so much?’ Well, charity is fine. Good for him and whoopty fucking doo. I don’t give to charity in Africa. Because I give to charity in America. You know, giving doesn’t make you a good fucking person. Remember “New Jack City” people?! Was Nino Brown a hell of a guy because he gave out turkeys during the holiday? Did that make up for the fact that the nigga sold CRACK TO THE SAME PEOPLE for 363 days of the damn year? I didn’t think so. Same thing. He gives back and he poisons the youth with ‘wining on the floor.’ First off you non-reading motherfucker it is WINDING. Learn to spell. Second off, any woman that does that on a dance floor and doesn’t get $20 is officially a fucking moron. Just like any man that will acknowledge her stupidity by buying her a drink. You see, ignorance is a circular theory.

You know, over the last few months I had been letting people get off too easy for being fucktards. After the whole job change thing and just trying to be a nice person (Hell, I deleted all of my porn the other day. I got a 300gb hard drive for my anime and Justice League! Wow…from pervert to geek) the dumbening of America has hit a breakneck pace. Peeps. It’s time. People….

THE REVOLUTION IS BACK, BITCHES!!

I put it on hold after college. Then, I put it on hold when I got laid off. Then I put in on hold because I became a sniveling whining bitch of a man. Not anymore. For the good of the peeps, it is time. The Revolution is back and I am taking no prisoners. We the peeps will be the new superheroes. We will fight for what is right. We will storm the streets and make them red with the blood of the stupid. We will show the world that no longer will being an idiot be tolerated. Some people have called me crazy. Some people have called me intolerant. Some people have called me a drunkard. Um…okay one out of three. Some people have said that my stance of the swift, violent and stylized elimination of the stupid is madness. No peeps. This isn’t madness….

THIS….IS…THE REVOLUTION!!!

There is salvation! There is a path to the ending of all the stupid in the world! And I will take my manasume (Don’t worry, The Equalizer is still around) and lead you to the Promised Land that is the future without the morons! Now comes the real question….who is with me?

WHO IS COMING WITH ME?!

Seriously, I need to know. I have to have an idea on how much punch and pie will I need. Yes, the revolution will not only be marketed, IT WILL BE CATERED! A revolutionary can’t smite the stupid on an empty stomach. Well, I got to go back to work. The revolution must be funded! And bills don’t pay themselves. I will be back up tomorrow maybe after American Idol. Definitly before the Countdown on Friday. Until then, stay up peeps. And check out the new theme song for The Revolution!

Freak Nasty is back, fishes! When I dip you dip we dip! Digging The Revolution without a shovel! Just kidding, I’m still working on the song. Any ideas? Let me know.

Chachi Out.

Bohemians, Britons and Africans. The Chachi Goes WORLDWIDE!!!

Happy Sunday, peeps! Aw, ish, Duece K is back again! Some old Rappin 4-Tay for you. Well, it has been a while since I had been on the scene and I had a pretty eventful weekend for the first time since…well last weekend.

As a few of you know, I went to see ‘La Boheme’ this Friday (after a kickass time at the Sushi Den, which I could never FIND) mainly because I haven’t been to the theater since college and really wanted to go. Since aside from Zach and Nolan no one wanted to ever GO with me and two dudes at the theater is tres gay, it was cool to get to go again. Even though I actually wore a suit, which I hate, I was ABSOLUTLY out dressed by my date so it didn’t really matter. My hot mancake cannot compare to sexy ladycake. Hey, I can be humble; I got ‘Sexy Served’.

First off, Sushi Den is ‘teh nosh’. Although next time I go I have to get some sake and hit up the karaoke (Which I think they have. Any sushi restaurant without a karaoke machine is faking the funk) and do a little Kubota Toshinobu’s “La La La Love Song’ or Ken Hirai’s “Pop Star” which is SOOO gay but I SOOO don’t give a fuck. Secondly….oh my god…the blackened cod! It is so hard to get good fish these days, but MY GOD! The blackened cod! Flaky and tasty if I say so myself. Everything rocked the box (Kobe beef in a roll? What will they think of next?!), and dry sake is good stuff. I prefer the warm sake (KANPAI, BITCHES!) but if I would have did that I would have been a hot mess at the opera. And embarrassing my lady guy date is not cool. Hell, how many times have I embarrassed Rick, twelve? And we weren’t even dating. Seriously, I mean. We were both just kind of whores and in it for the money of which there was none. Kind of screwed up our plans. Anyway, the Sushi Den is where it is at, and they valet park! Oh, and big ups to the kid that liked my aviator glasses. He knew style.

On to La Boheme. If you haven’t seen La Boheme, just go download ‘RENT’, replace AIDS with tuberculosis and turn down the suck. Because after seeing La Boheme, I have a total distain for RENT and Jonathan Larson. All RENT is La Boheme for teenagers with short ass attention spans. I never knew why Zach hated the music of RENT so much….and then I listened to it again (Wow…”Poo, poo it?” That is some deep shit. Double joke). I’m sorry, dude you were justified. Aside from ‘Seasons of Love’ the songs were really bad. In comparison, La Boheme, albeit in Italian (which I must say, it felt GOOD to not need the subtitles all the time. I actually understood like…nine words! I rule you!) was catchy and the fit the moments of each act. The performances (for college students) were VERY good. Having only seen the Met performances on PBS (which I need to attend because the Met La Boheme and Phantom of the Opera rock your fucking face) I was totally impressed. Their voices were grand and the sets were well done and detailed to tits. That means good, by the way. All in all, it was an AWESOME show.

Now, for the only bad of the evening. Since when did everything close in Denver at 10pm?! I mean COME THE FUCK ON! This whole state is under a god damn curfew! All we wanted was some cake and coffee but NOOOOO! Everything was closed. Bullshit. I also realized that I have been to a lot of places in Denver and I was totally lit off my shit because I don’t remember…ANY of it. Great opera and awesome food even though Denver has a curfew. Great times!
So I woke up on Saturday and did my usual thing: dry cleaners, comic book store and bug Nolan at work. Yes, I am lame. After that, Zach and I saw a little movie called “Hot Fuzz” from the makers of the bad ass “Shaun of the Dead”. So it is now time for….

MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD!!

This Week’s Movie: Hot Fuzz!

First off, the bad. After watching “Shaun of the Dead” again, my initial feeling of it being better went a LITTLE BIT to the wayside. The humor in ‘Shaun of the Dead’ was a little more blatant (I would say 75% of the audience missed half the jokes and references in Hot Fuzz) and actually a little funnier all around. For the funny factor ‘Shaun’ beats ‘Fuzz’.

Aside from that, ‘Hot Fuzz’ ruled! I never really was a fan of the ‘zombie genre’ aside from ‘Evil Dead’ so I preferred this movie in that aspect. Hell, the only Resident Evil I liked was Resident Evil 4 and I think we all know why:

…..AND THEN NOTHING HAPPENS! That will FOREVER be funny. The plot was a little bit of a reach, but then again so are zombies. The twist is cool and lets just say that if you liked Bad Boys II (which I kind of did) and Point Break (which is Keanu at his acting BEST) you will love this movie. Oh, if you love violence and death then this is the film for you! It had the same amount of decapitations as “300” which may be tied with Highlander for the most ever. Now, it is time for the rundown:

Snooty chief inspector rather than the bombastic Black chief with a heart of gold? CHECK (You know, I dig the Black chief with a heart of gold)
British obscenities? CHECK (I’m sorry, but twat, tosser, cunt, spanner and bloody rule!)
A gun toting priest? CHECK
Wanton shotgun and semi-automatic weapon use by the elderly? CHECK.
The murder of one of those annoying fucking human statues? CHECK (Man, I hate those things. Worse than fucking mimes and homeless combined)
Totally wrecking some woman’s shit with gardening shears? CHECK
Beatdown of a special person? CHECK
Blatant theviery of other action movie endings? CHECK
Jump kicking of an old woman in the face? CHECK
A swan saving the day? CHECK (I was shocked too. Swans are the new penguin!)

In the end, Hot Fuzz was over-the-top, rather violent, action packed and tongue-in-cheek. While not as good as the previous offering, this movie kicked ass in its own right. Not as funny as ATHFCMFFT or as action packed as 300 but it is definitely the third best movie so far, well ahead of Ghost Rider and TMNT. The Chachi gives “Hot Fuzz”….

8 out of 10 stars!!
(Lives up to expectations that it very easily could have exceeded with a little bit more action and well timed humor. Even still, well worth the matinee watch, especially if you dig off-the-chain action movies!)

Well, I have some errands to run to I am about to boogie out. However, I ask of you to do something for me, peeps. As you know, I dispise the Akon. I mean I really hate him. He can’t sing, his beats all suck and he looks like K-Ci from Jodeci mated with Grace Jones and then they had a herd trample his face Mufasa style from “The Lion King” (Not…gonna cry….) and then tossed his ugly ass on the unsuspecting world. His fame and popularity is why I don’t like women because it is proof that money, just like that gun in the Fantastic Four is the Ultimate Nullifier of ugly, lack of talent or the lack of any other redeeming personality trait whatsoever (I have seen interviews with him, he is a fucking moron). Now, as I was reading Media Takeout (A.K.A. ‘The Nigga News) I found an article about how Akon dry-raped the FUCK out of a female at a show in Trinidad last week. Then, there were subsequent articles about how ‘she aint no little girl’ and she dressed like…well I chick in an Akon video. Irony, they name is Chachi.

I am sick of this shit. We all know (at least Zach, Nolan and I know) that any female 14 years old is stupid. As a matter of fact, ANYONE WHO IS 14 YEARS OLD IS FUCKING STUPID! They have no frame of reference about much of anything and are prone to mistakes. That being said, she obviously shouldn’t have been there at fourteen and she obviously shouldn’t have been dressed like at 14, no matter what kind of heat she is packing. All that being said, Akon is a grown ass man. That shit shouldn’t be done at a concert ANY-FUCKING-WAY. Do you see John Legend or Musiq this crap? No, and they are both infinitely more talented than this worthless fuck. He is like an uglier, crappier more annoying R.Kelly sans pissing. Hey, we don’t know what happened afterward. He could have given her something that never happens in Africa: yellow rain. God, this bastard has me making PISS JOKES! I am fed the fuck up with the ‘sexification’ of music, R&B in general. You know, sex has been around since Motown but it was never this blatant or shitty. I mean, Marvin Gaye sang ‘Let’s get it on’ but he didn’t mean right then on stage. Show some class, Akon. Sexing up 14 years olds may be commonplace in your home, but we don’t look to kindly on that shit here. You need to hit at LEAST 25 million albums before that’s cool.

Oh, and to all the Black people out there. Do not defend him because she was stupid. When someone jumps into a lion cage to take a picture with a lion, as dumb as that fucktard is we should still save them. Why? Because life is life and unless they are harming someone else with their stupidity (which you could say that they are harming who would be saving them but that is their FUCKING JOB so it doesn’t matter) they should be saved and then beaten with sticks for being an idiot. It stops people from doing stupid things. Same here. Akon should be punished for…well just being fucking nasty with a youngster and the youngster should be slapped until she understands she shouldn’t have been there to start with. Simple fix for a simple problem caused by SIMPLE ASS PEOPLE. That’s why no one learns. We just yell ‘robble robble robble’ about ‘girls being whores’ or ‘men being uncontrollable’ and nothing gets accomplished because ‘ROBBLE ROBBLE ROBBLE’ ARENT WORDS! I have said it before that this problem can only be fixed when men take other men to task for being worthless assholes and making us all look like Neanderthals and women take other women to task for being whores and bring their credibility down to fuckdoll levels. However, I have a fix for this Akon fool.

S.A.B.T.A.M.

What does SABTAM stand for? It stands for the Send Akon Back To Africa Movement. You tired of his annoying ass music? You think he looks like a deformed Kraken? Send him back home with his many wives and his Lamborghini Gallardo or whatever. I think America will be just fine without having to hear ‘Smack That’ ever again. That’s just me. So people, join me in sending Akon back to Africa! Hopefully, this will lead to a KBIIM (Keep Bono In Ireland Movement) soon!

Well, that is all for now. I will be up this week before next Fridays Video Top 20 Countdown. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out!

I Think My Problem Is I Love Too Much.

What is up peeps! You know what time it is! Wait, it’s not Friday, you say? Well tomorrow I will be in D-Town so I am giving the peeps the good early. So get ready to dance, rock and get funky fresh because today is a special early Thursday edition of…

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

We begin with a former #1 video that may be on the way out...

20. Namie Amuro – Baby Don’t Cry (Last Week #17, #1 for three weeks)
After a meteoric rise to Number One, Namie is STLL hanging on! She did very well with her first video ever on the Countdown and with another video on here, things aren’t looking bad for Ms. Namie.
19. M-Flo loves Crystal Kay – Love Don’t Cry (New Entry)

Well look who came crawling back! Verbal has his FOURTH video of 2007 on the Top 20 and needless to say, he is battling Yui for the Artist of the Year award. Not only that, Crystal Kay is back. She has grown up to be a fine, saucy lady. I do mean quite the top notch. It’s been a while since Kirikuni, I tell you what. Welcome back!
18. Hinoi Team – Dancin’ and Dreamin’ (Last Week #14)
It may be time to say goodbye to the lovely young ladies of Hinoi Team. After a pretty good first time out, this video looks to be spending its last week in Top 20. I still like ‘Now and Forever’ better, like THAT sounds any less dirty. I hate myself and everything I have become.
17. Maroon 5 – Makes Me Wonder (Last Week #20)
Not anymore! Man, this video is bad ass. As for the song, I am on the verge of making this bad boy into a ringtone. I really wasn’t a fan of Maroon 5 (mainly because everyone else was) but this song is hella catchy.
16. nobodyknows+ - Hero’s Come Back! (Last Week #18)
Hells yes. This video continues its upward movement, fighting up two spots this week. This is THE ring tone to have and if you DON’T have it you are ‘teh suck’ because only the cool kids get the Naruto theme songs. That is the lie I tell myself. I stick by it.
15. Namie Amuro – Funky Town (Last Week #16)
Namie moves up one more spot this week in all her thigh high boot glory. Man…that’s hella hot. She could use a haircut, though. Its getting kind of out there. Damn hippie.
14. Monkey Majik feat m-flo – Picture Perfect (Last Week #12)
So Monkey Majik seems to have stalled out this week as they fall just short of the Top 10. That also fails to give Verbal his third Top Ten of 2007. Eh, cant win them all.
13. Rascal Flats – Stand (Last Week #15)

Yeah….shut up. I like the Flatts. That is all.
12. Home Made Kazoku – Nagaraboshi ~Shooting Star~ (Last Week #10)
So ‘Fantastic 3’ has been rocking my world for the last few days. At the expense of this video however. Even though HMK falls out of the Top 10, this is still good stuff. And watch Naruto, fools! It’s back to kicking the ass! All of it, not some of it like Blood+.
11. Kumi Koda – Get Up & Move! (Last Week #13)

It has been a LONG time since Kumi Koda was in the Top 10 (she was at #2 for three weeks with ‘Juicy’ last year, not to be confused with ‘Juicy (Got Em Crazy) by Oaktown 357. Easy mistake) and she looks on the verge of getting back there. One of the few videos out with funky fresh dance moves and Kumi and I have a thang. A LUV THANG! CeCe Peniston! Anyone…? Fuck….off to the Top Ten.
10. K-OS – Sunday Morning (Last Week #11)
Welcome to the Top Ten and we begin with a first timer! This video is pretty sweet and since they play it on VH1 Soul (which actually has a kind of low suck factor. They still play Akon, though) I get to see it every now and then on TV! K-OS has actually been around for a while and even though I was a fan, I was never as hyped about him as I am now.
9. Game feat. Kanye West – Wouldn’t Get Far (Last Week #8)
The Game drops a spot this week and is the highest hip hop video on the Countdown. Says a lot about my opinion of the genre. Odds are, from what I am seeing this will be the last hip hop video (aside from K-OS) on the Countdown until Outkast, T.I. or Common come out with a new one, odds are summertime. I’m gonna miss the hip to the hippity.
8. Yuna Ito – I’m Here (Last Week #9)
Uh oh. We could end up having a new flame (Yuna) vs. old love (Kumi) battle in the Top 10! Can you say CATFIGHT?! I know I can. Hey, Zach? What is catfight in Japanese? Anyway, this video is nice and I FINALLY saw Unfair subbed. It actually isn’t all that bad. I need to watch a few more episodes but I will keep you posted.
7. Bennie K – 1001 Nights (Last Week #4)

Bad news: Bennie K falls another three spots after failing to take the Top Spot. The good news? ALBUM COMING IN MAY! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I CANT STOP!! YES, GOD YES!!! I think I’m good…whooo…oh yeah….next video..
6. Three Days Grace – Never Too Late (Last Week #7)
Thee Days OH GOD!! WAIT FOR IT…oh…man thought I was done. Had another one in me. Anyway, this video moves a little bit closer to the top. You know, my liking of rock has grown after finally tolerating Disturbed (they used to irritate the hell out of me, but 10,000 Fists rocks your grill piece) I decided to give it a chance. I like it now. Onto the Top 5!
5. Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend (Last Week #6)
Yes, that name is right. Avril Lavigne has managed to make it into the Top 5. And you know what? You can leave me alone. I like this song! Oh, and check out the player on the side (I got it on both MySpace AND Blogger. Eat THAT, technology!) and you will hear the Japanese version! It’s just the hook, but still. Good stuff.
4. UVERworld – Zero no Kotae (Last Week #5)
Yeah, you know it. UVERworld looks like they may be having a stand off against John Legend once again! The are 1-1 against him, losing with Shamrock vs. Once Again but they did hold off Heaven with Kimi no Suki na Uta. Will there be a rubber match? We will find out soon! Now, for the biggest three videos in the land!!
3. Daughtry – It’s Not Over (Last Week #2, two weeks at #1)

After looking like he may be ready for a second tenure as the Chachi in Chief, Daughtry falls back to #3! His next single ‘Home’ is out and the video was filmed (reportedly) two weeks ago so don’t fret Daughtr-a-holics! He should be back with another one soon! So, who is the runner up this week?
2. Yui – CHE.R.RY (Last Week #3)

Mmmm…I digs the Yui. I think she is quite the saucy. She moves up to #2 this week and is looking for her second Number One video! That would make two #1’s this year for her and that’s big stuff! I love the acoustic version of this song (on the single) and I wonder if she will ever come to America. Because if she does…I will have to snatch her up Borat style. Well, it’s time for the Number One video…
1. John Legend – PDA (We Just Don’t Care) (Last Week #1, four weeks at #1)

And the CHAMP IS STILL HERE! He holds the record for most weeks at #1 (11 total with three videos) and looks to be going strong! I missed the concert (it was on the 10th, was gonna get tickets but spent the money on someone more important) but he should be back later this year for the Kanye West tour so it’s all good. Congrats to for a full month at #1!

Well, again we end where we end last week. Can Yui end John Legend’s reign? Or will UVERworld attempt to pull a Muhammad Ali and win the final two fights to become the Kings of the Countdown? Don’t forget about Daughtry and Avril waiting in the wings! Or, can John extend his domination for another week? Tune in next Friday on the normal day to find out!

I will try to be up on Saturday but if not I will be back next week. Stay up peeps! Oh, and just in case you were wondering, I will change the player to add the new songs every Saturday morning, depending on whether I am hung over. Keep it real!

Chachi Out.

Hip Hop Ain't Dead, The Game Just Took A Couple Shots...

Aw, snap! Hump day in the hizzy, and don’t you for-gizzy! Well, yesterday I had my tangent about the Virginia Tech Incident and for the most part I am cool. I’m not really a religious person, so I just ask that people grieve in their own way and come to grips with tragedy whatever way they can. Except via horrible, horrible tribute song. I am looking at YOU Alan Jackson. Oh man….I hope R.Kelly doesn’t record a tribute song. I may just have to regulate. Mount up!

Alrighty, now that I have gotten that out of the way it is time for me to go back to my normal material: dumb ass people. With the whole Don Imus thing blown over (finally!) it seems that the focus has shifted back to where all the blame goes when something goes wrong in America: hip hop.

Okay, as many of you know (or like six) I have a love/hate relationship with hip hop as music and culture. Seeing as how the music has been turned to shit and the culture is now marketed in Avis commercials all I can say is ‘meh’ to it for now. What is so funny is that every few months people get up in arms about how hip hop is offensive and destroying America. Yet…people listen to MIMS (who licks dirty donkey testicles talent-wise) like he’s hot solely because he tells us so. I can say I’m skinny, doesn’t make it true. The lyrics have come under fire by Oprah, especially after she wouldn’t let the ‘Gangsta rapper’ Ludacris on her show and when she did she grilled him.

Well, first off gangsta rap sucked. I was there in its heyday and it sucked then. If any rappers out right now are gangsta rappers I haven’t heard them. The only people using that name are (once again) old ass Black people and STUPID ASS WHITE PEOPLE (looking at Papa Bear). You can say whatever you want to about the lyrics because they usually suck. From Eminem to 50 Cent to Nelly to even T.I. (and I dig the King of the South but he gets rather repetitive) all are lyrically stalled on ‘booty butt, booty butt, booty butt cheeks’ and ‘bling blong’. Before you white people start to defend Eminem for being ‘talented’ he raps about the same shit on his albums, he just releases radio friendly singles to hide the fact that he is like every other shitty ass rapper.

As of right now, I am willing to say that more that 85% of rap sucks. To people who says all rap sucks you have no frame of reference if you only listen to what your worthless ass roommate listens to or what they play on the radio. The radio is very structured in what they play, and there is a specific reason you don’t hear Common, Atmosphere, K-OS or Mos Def on the radio. They don’t sell and aren’t marketable to a mass audience. Which has become the problem. Aside from Kanye West (who is once again working my nerves) and Outkast no rappers outside of the standard (booty, bling and bankroll. Shit, that will probably be Nelly’s next album title. If it is, I will so sue) fare have been successful by record label terms. Now as one who listened to hip hop for 25 years for the most part exclusively I believe I have a good frame of reference to say it sucks as a whole. Not just individual artists, but the genre. Just so you know, the ‘Brokeback Mountain Theory’ of I don’t have to see it to know it sucks works on an individual basis, not as a blanket term. To just say all of a genre sucks without any knowledge of it is just plain ignorant. The last thing we need is to spread more ignorance.

So let me ask the question: is it up to the artist to monitor what they say for the youth of America? No. Why? Because if a youth is going to shoot up a school, harass a classmate, or as Riley would say ‘shoot a nigga’ because of what a rap song tells you then you are a fucktard and need to removed or made infertile because we don’t need more of you. The fact is that saying nigga, ho, bitch and whatever else in a song doesn’t make it right for anyone else to say it because those words shouldn’t be said. I kind of believe that instead of being upset about someone calling a woman a ho, you should not BE ONE so the word has no meaning and they just become an idiot. Women accepting that (I hear more women call each other ho than men ever have) word gives it meaning. Like I said on my Nigger Post (wow…that is JACKED UP no matter how you say it) words like that should incite a change. Not make you ‘pop, drop and lock it’.

I pondered the question in my Ethnic Studies/Women’s Studies class about why women dance to ‘Get Low’ by Lil Jon and ‘Shake Yo Tailfeather’ by Nelly when the song is just a four minute insult to women. All the answers were along the lines of ‘they aren’t talking to me and I like the beat and/or to dance to it’. First off, you dumb bitch they are talking to you. Don’t lie to yourself or me. Second off, since dancing now is just rejected stripper moves (when I was at the Thirsty Parrot women were dancing with a broom like it was a stripper pole. I NEVER want hear women complain about being treated like a stripper when YOU LITERALLY ACT LIKE A STRIPPER! THAT SHIT IS STUPID!) I will actually accept the good beat and dance to it part. There is nothing better than funky fresh dance moves. However, YOU DON’T DANCE. You grind like…well a stripper trying to earn an extra $20. I go to the club to make fun of people and dance to one or two songs. I don’t go to the club to get damn near sexually assaulted. Especially to a shitty song (One of many reasons why I hate Akon and the club so much. I have NEVER been so violated in my LIFE. She took my innocence from me!). So long story short, I will tell women what I say all the time. Respect yourself and others will respect you. Don’t dance to or listen to these songs and they will stop (foreshadowing….thy name is Will).

Lastly, to all the Black people complaining about rap. Shut the fuck up. SHUT THE FUCK…UP! The simple fact is that White people lack originality. All they can do is take from others (J-Tim, Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis) or exploit others work (Jimmy Iovine, whoever runs Viacom, Clive Davis). Hell, even in science! A Black man cured polio, he just went to get a Coke to celebrate and a White man stole it! The airplane? Black man. Niggas don’t swim! That’s why we are here right now! Okay…that was messed up.

I AM JOKING!

In all serialness, Black people always say that rap needs to change. Yet, every three months they repackage the same shit just move the region (West Coast, East Coast, Atlanta, New Orleans, Miami and Chicago now. Watch, Denver is next!) so it is as DJ Clue would say ‘NEW SHIT!’ It is not new shit, it’s the same shit and we as Black people accept it. We accept 50 Cent and his gorilla-looking ass. We allow Nelly and Paul Wall (Who is TOTALLY white. I thought he was mixed!) to push grillz in our mouths. We relish in the gaudy jewelry and asininely lavish lifestyle that is Baby and Lil Wayne. What is even worse, we accept the violent lyrics and insulting caricatures of women and young black men because it is keeping it real. Fuck. The only thing that sells better than sex is ignorance. Same thing I said to women applies to Black people. Don’t accept the ignorance spreading. Either ignore it, buy a damn Talib Kweli album or switched to J-pop and anime like I did. Sure you lose all your friends but true friends are down with the Bleach and Death Note anyway.

Final point: not listening won’t stop it because those who like it still will listen. Hit rappers where it hurts: the cash, the feti, the loot, the coinage, the fedarali, the flow, the duckets, the bottom line, the stacks, the stash, the green, the dollaz, the cream, the cheddar, the hibbidy bipptity, the dead presidents, the payola, the stackola. Don’t buy the records, don’t go to the shows and don’t go to the club. Avioding all will make you a better person. Instead, read a god damn book! Watch a movie! Take a walk! Do anything, and soon they will realize that what is out will not be accepted and not what we want to hear as hip hop fans. I know what I want to hear. Hip hop about making a change. Hip hop about having fun. Hip hop about enjoying your life. I want to hear some Kid ‘n’ Play, fool! WHAT!

Stay true peeps. Chachi will be back for the Countdown on Friday and may be back up tomorrow.

Proper.