What is up, people?! I am back after a hiatus (Yesterday I was tired as all fuck so I didn’t post. Sorry but my health comes first) and first off I have to say things:
FUCK COLORADO SPRINGS.
Last night at like 3AM the power went out. I checked the breaker and no switches flipped or fuses blew so I looked outside and the WHOLE BLOCK WAS OUT. What the fuck?! This isn’t Chicago or New York City so I see no real need for a brownout. It isn’t like they aren’t charging out of the ass for utilities; just upgrade the fucking grid! Asshats.
So after the popularity of my Random Thoughts (Big ups to Commander Boogeyman and the four anonymous Blogger people for the comments. Restecpa!) I think I am going to do another one when the beat hits me. They ARE random thoughts, right? However, I do want to touch on something I posted in my “Passion of Chachi Omnibus: Year In Review.” I think that people have gotten real….stupid about a lot of things since 2000. This is by far the worst decade I have been a part of. Yes, including the fucked up 90’s. Any era where Ace of Base is considered “good” is not a good one. I have really had enough of faux lesbians, bros, Black people complaining about being held down when they don’t even have a tie, women complaining about being held down when they laid on their back in the first place (BURN, WHORES!) and of course the douchification of teenagers. You know what they need? Religion. But not just any religion….
CHACHISM!
Yes, starting today I will be the prophet for the words of the great Chachi (As spoken to by the Wolven) as he unleashes his anger upon the people that have not followed his rules and regulations! And people….HE IS PISSED!
I mean real pissed. I haven’t seen him this mad since they cancelled “Undergrads”:
His anger gave us Flavor Of Love, you know. So, let the Wolven’s words be spoken through me as I am nothing more than a vessel and his unpaid labor…like Farnsworth Bentley was to P. Diddy. I now give you…
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CHACHISM!
Today I shall give you the first five! Not because they are on tablets, but because The Wolven only gave me five. He’s kind of a jerk like that sometimes but he has claws and fangs and eyelasers so I don’t question it. Whenever I do, he destroys my craps. Err….crops.
Commandment #1: Thou Shall Worship Any God, Just Know He Is A Cockmonger
You see, in Chachism you are free to believe in any other bullshit God you believe in. Whether you are a Christian, Muslim, Heeb or even believe in Mormon Jesus (A little shorter than regular Jesus) you are free to practice Chachism. However, by not believing in the Wolven as the one and only true creator of life and destroyer or worlds….he is going to fuck your shit up. How do you ask? By sending KENTA after your bitch ass:
GTS, MOTHERCUNTS! That means “Go 2 Sleep” for the plebeians. We followers of Chachism believe that aside from Scientology, whatever you believe in that makes you a better person is quite alright. Just understand that it belongs in your own fucking home. No one cares if you love Jesus. If he was so damn great, why didn’t he create wine and cheese? Or break dancing? The Wolven not only invented those things, he also invented the Peanut Butter Jelly Time dance. That alone is worthy of worship. However, the Wolven doesn’t NEED your worship because unlike Jesus’ punk ass, the Wolven is knee deep in bitches right now and giving them a deep dicking. One is your girlfriend, wife AND mother and he and Buddha are breaking her in like shoes on a fat chick. Amee Donavan style. So feel free to believe in your religion, just for awesomeness recognize that it’s either the Wolven, TITS OR GTFO!
Commandment #2: Thou Shall Drink Excessively, But All Rights Shall Be Revoked Within Acts Of Douchery.
The Wolven loves his liquor, even more than he loves the ladies. Mainly because with enough liquor and Rohypnol (Ruffies for those that believe in the law….pussies) any lady will let you love her. In the butt, because we all know that what, what is in the butt?
Love is in the butt. Now the Wolven is about the liquor, but he is also about common sense and moderation. You see, the Wolven sees how liquor is used as a crutch for being stupid and he is irate at you human shits. You see, just because you were drunk does NOT absolve you of stupidity. The Wolven believes that alcohol consumption is a right, not a privilege. You misuse that right then we in Chachism believe that the only choice we have…is to kill you. In the most painful ways possible.
Commandment #3: Thou Shall Respect The Porn Star.
The Wolven believes that porn is the spirit of life. Porn stars are the REAL ONES defending our freedom because when you think about it, without porn the Japanese, Germans, Koreans and Russians would be batshit crazier and probably started WWIII already. Hell, the Middle East rejects porn and look at them. THEY ARE FUCKING NUTS! Porn makes awesome men gods, normal men sane and crazy motherfuckers from using guns and bombs. Better to have their hands on their wangs and a mouse than holding a baby and a detonator, right? Exactly. The Wolven does have his issues with hypocrites and asshats. So for all the hater bitches and hater Jesus freaks that say that porn stars are nothing but whores, you will be killed. Especially women because you are the New England Patriots of haters. Porn stars are the REAL heroes as they do the gangbangs and take the money shots so you don’t have to. You should be down on your knees either sucking a wang (Which…you know, the Wolven believes is the only way you will get into Happy Action Funtime Heaven) or praying to the Wolven in thanks that Sasha Grey exists:
Whoa…..the Wolven thinks Sasha Grey should be a prophet for Chachism. I have seen that woman do things that will turn your world asunder and make you question everything you ever believed in. Some of what she does makes me have to go pray. And I am a pervert. Aren’t YOU glad that you don’t have to do what she does and your boyfriend or husband watches porn to get that out? You should worship them, as the Wolven created porn stars for all of us to be happy. Thank you, Wolven!
Commandment #4: Thou Shalt RAWK THE FUCK OUT!
If there is one thing the Chachism is about, it is RAWK. The Wolven rocks out with his cock out at least four times a week and when he does, you better believe that he is listening to music at levels that would cause the human head to explode after five seconds. No shitty Christian rock for the Chachists out there as we only listen to the rawkingest of jams. Unless it is:
Maximum The Hormone: J-Thrash, Ball-Busting, Face-Mangling AWESOMENESS
Mindless Self-Indulgence: Hip-Hop, Industrial, 80’s Rock…Fuck it, THEY JUST KICK ASS
Ronnie James Dio: HOLY DIVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Then you suck ass. Seriously, you suck ass and take a dirtpipe milkshake and roman shower at the same time. Look it up…they aint pretty. The Wolven DOTH NOT APPROVE!
Commandment #5: Thou Shall Not Dress In What Does Not Flatter
Understand one thing right now: The Wolven loves the ladies. In all shapes and sizes the Wolven believes that you all need the sweet, sweet loving. However, with that being said he also believes in practicality. If your ass is wearing something that doesn’t cover your ass then you really need to get clothes that fit or accept the fact that you shouldn’t be wearing it. Now the Wolven chose a heavy set man (Yours truly in all of his chocolaty thunder and sexiness) to spread his word and I know that I need to put on a good fashion front. So why do women find it necessary to wear clothes that arent even suited for skinny women? The Wolven does not approve and he will not stand for it. There will be swift punishment for women that disobey the rules of fashion. For men, also so don’t think you get off easy. First off, it is OKAY by The Wolven if you want to wear a t-shirt with a cartoon character on it. He is a fan of the 80’s especially BraveStarr:
Just make sure the t-shirt FUCKING FITS. As a matter of fact, make sure all your clothes fit. Occasional slip ups aside, you know GOD DAMN WELL you shouldn’t be in your little brothers shirt. You may have muscles and it is fine to show them. But wearing clothes that don’t fit when you are skinny enough to have all the sizes you need in your department means there is no excuse for wearing an extra medium shirt. The Wolven doesn’t approve and once he comes back he is going to rip your fucking arms off and drink the juice from inside. He does NOT fuck around with asshole douches!
The Wolven has spoken to you through me! When he gets back from hanging out with David Bowie on Alderan I will have the last five of his Commandments for you. Until then, tune in tomorrow when I WILL have an update about…something. Until then, PRAISE THE WOLVEN!
Chachi Out.
