As one what doesn’t believe in the mythos or overall story of Jesus Christ, it makes things hard because when Christians (Or especially Catholics because they can all suck a dick as far as I’m concerned. The pope is a fucking Nazi and your views are not relevant in today’s world. Fuck all of you. AND TELL THE POPE TO TAKE OFF THAT SILLY ASS HAT!) ask “you do you believe in God” and you say “I believe in A god” they always freak out. They think that everyone believes in the Christian god here to which I say the nay no to that. I mean I understand that people have their beliefs. If you are following the “teachings” of Jesus and the Bible….which are rather vague and open to interpretation to the point that they have been used to justify everything from manifest destiny to the Cola Wars….that is fine and by all means bang on that Bible until the wheels fall off. However, DO NOT attempt to explain to me how any of what happened in the Bible actually fucking happened. If you believe in the Bible, you have to believe in Lord of the Rings, X-Men and Black unity because they are just as fake as the Bibles’ stories. What is worse is that they KNOW that it couldn’t logically have happened but they continue to believe the words as factual, rather than as anecdotal of a way to live your life.
I mean when you read the Bible (which I am rusty on, I will admit) you begin to realize that it contradicts itself on every page. In fairness, all books of worship do this but Christans are in denial about the lack of sense and continuity in the book. The Bible needs a “Crisis of Infinite Earth’s” style re-vamp because it makes no sense and makes it hard to convert people because….well it’s word is bullshit. If these were the words and teachings of Jesus (To which again I have to call bullshit because the records of Jesus are not founded until no less than 100 years after his death…and even then there is no documentation of the existence of Jesus Christ. Look it up because I am right. More on this later) it was obvious that he was high because they make no sense and are filled with a whole bunch of stories that are improbable if not utter and complete horseshit. So if you are going to try to defend the existence of Jesus Christ as a person then you are fighting an uphill battle because he didn’t. You want to know what? Here are just a few of the inaccuracies in the tales of good ol’ JC. And not J.C. Chasez because he gay:
Inaccuracy #1: He Was A Heeb, Not A Wop
People (See: WHITE PEOPLE) will swear up and down that Jesus looked like Ted Nugent with the greatest hair day known to man. However, looking at the indigenous people of the area of Jereselem at the time, Jesus could not have looked like this:
He either looked like this:
Or this:
Stark contrast from the pictures I am forced to look at in church, isn’t it. The fact is that Jesus did not look like the Mormon Jesus pictures. He would have had to look like a big nosed Jew or a wide nosed Negro. Now Christians may say that the pictures don’t matter and that it was his words that were important (more on that lie later) but try this on for size:
JESUS WAS A JEW. A BRONZE HAIRED, BRONZE SKINNED JEW.
That noise what the head of Christians everywhere exploding.
Inaccuracy #2: What’s Next, Giant Robots?!
From David and Goliath to a dragon being fed cake until he exploded (So….the Bible is an episode of Tom and Jerry? Now that’s more like it!) the bible is chock full of shit that could not and DID NOT happen. One man and one woman in a garden with a talking snake? C’mon. A burning bush that started to talk? That sonofabitch is on ACID! Parting of a WHOLE SEA? Tablets falling from the sky? All the animals in the world on a boat that saved them from a flood? Okay, I have had enough. None of this is true. Like Aesop’s fables, they are tall tales to tell a story and give a moral. If it is just that, I am totally cool with it. But to say you BELIEVE in the truth that these events happened is just idiotic. One thing has never been explained: is the bible Jesus’s words, his stories or the words of god? No matter what, it’s all stupid.
Inaccuracy #3: As Rambo Would Say….YOU WERENT THERE!
This is the big one that just blows the truth of the Bible out of the water. With documentation of Jesus about 100 years after his believed being in Jeruselem there is a bit of…margin for error so to speak. Not only that, these stories are being told like…fifteenth hand. Now unless Jesus kept in depth recollections of his self-imposed tragic life on the tears stained pages of “Dear Diary” no one know what the hell really happened. Now people can look at R.Kelly on videotape peeing on a minor and say “I dunno…that could be Avant” but they read the bible and say “That shit sho’nuff happened!” then I see something very wrong with your logic. Belief is NOT delusion.
At the end of the day, the fact that people take the words of the Bible literally are just plain wacky. Even if the events in the book DID happen, it is full of exaggeration and blatant impossibilities so there is a lot of logic defying acceptance that must take place. I will always say that if you find something that makes you feel complete to the point that you become a better person I am all for it. Whether you read the Torah, Quran or Bible it doesn’t matter. Believe in the words, not in the story. Because the story is utter and complete bullshit.
Now if you excuse me, they are about to announce America’s Best Dance Crew!!!!
Chachi Out!
