Doucheology 201

Good evening, peeps! There won't be an update tomorrow (CAN YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE ME?!) so I wanted to get the updates out. Here it is, hot off the presses...

DOUCHEOLOGY!!!

Yeah, it's time for the second week of rankings to set up the event of 2007! There has been some movement this week, it sets up for some Douche Madness in Feburary!! Let's get started!

The 50 Cent Musicians Region

1, Bono (Last Week #1)
2. Diddy (Last Week #2)
3. Clay Aiken (Last Week #3)
4. Eminem (Last Week #4)
5. Toby Keith (Last Week #5)
6. Nelly (Last Week #6)
7. Fall Out Boy (Last Week #7)
8. The Fray (Last Week #8)
9. Dave Matthews Band (Last Year #9)
10. Fergie (Last Week #13)
11. James Blount (Last Week #10)
12. Snoop Dogg (Last Week #12)
13. Akon (Last Week # 11)
14. Gwen Stefani (Last Week #14)
15. Usher (Last Week #15)
16. Cowboy Troy (Last Week: Unranked)

Out: Carrie Underwood

No real changes in the Musician Region. Cowboy Troy is in unless the peeps give me a reason not to have him on here. Trust me, listen to his work and you will know his crapitude. Aside from that, Snoop moved ahead of Akon because I REALLY LIKE Sweet Escape. But ‘I Wanna Luv U’ sucks. Prince called, he wants you to use full words. Oh, and Fergie moves up in the seeding because she is a fucking man. Look at her and tell me I’m wrong. Ugly face makes my penis soft

The George Lucas Actor/Actress Region

1. Mel Gibson (Last Week #1)
2. Ashton Kutcher (Last Week #2)
3. George Clooney (Last Week #3)
4. Nick Cage (Last Week #4)
5. Ben Affleck (Last Week #5)
6. Jack Black (Last Week #6)
7. Leonardo DiCaprio (Last Week # 7)
8. Colin Farrel (Last Week # 8)
9. Heath Ledger (Last Week #9)
10. Hayden Christensen (Last Week #10)
11. Russell Crowe (Last Week #11)
12. Paul Walker (Last Week #12)
13. Julia Roberts (Last Week #13)
14. Benicio Del Toro (Last Week #14)
15. Brad Pitt (Last Week #15)
16. Vin Diesel (Last Week #16)

(Outs: None)
No changes in the Actor/Actress Region. This is all dependent on how Ghost Rider is. If Nick Cage screws this up (which is looking quite possible) he may move into the Top Three seeds. Aside from that, things look pretty much set.

The Heather Graham Trollop Whore Region

1. Paris Hilton (Last Week #2)
2. Tara Reid (Last Week #1)
3. Britney Spears (Last Week #4)
4. Angelina Jolie (Last Week #3)
5. Nicole Ritchie (Last Week #12)
6. Lindsay Lohan (Last Week #7)
7. Cameron Diaz (Last Week #5)
8. Jessica Simpson (Last Week #6)
9. Tyra Banks (Last Week: Unranked)
10. Pamela Anderson (Last Week #8)
11. Janet Jackson (Last Week #9)
12. Kumi Koda (Last Week #10)
13. Jennifer Lopez (Last Week #11)
14. Katie Holmes (Last Week: Unranked)
15. Drew Barrymore (Last Week #14)
16. Paula Abdul (Last Week: Unranked)

(Outs: Sarah Jessica Parker, Courtney Love, Pussycat Dolls)
Okay, major shake up here. First of, Paris is officially a whore (TOTALLY NSFW! BEWARE KIDS!). I don’t toss that around a lot and I feel bad for calling the women in here that word. But…she really is. Partying is one thing, being a braindead trollop is another. Oh, and Nicole Ritchie makes a huge jump. COCAINE?! What the fuck? If its true, what would Lionel say? Hello? Is it DEATH YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?! Nolan would laugh. Tyra jumps in to the mix, not because she’s gained weight (I kind of digs that actually. I would hit that if Nick Cannon hadn’t) but because she is all pissy about it. And she is a bitch on two confessions (Jen and my sister BOTH said she was a two faced uber-bitch and I kind of trust them). Katie Holmes jumps in this week after showing her fucking gully-hole (NSFW. Yeah, I was scared) to the world. Sad…just sad. At least we all know that we saw her tang before Tom did. WHOA! Oh, and Paula Abdul just pisses me off. To think I used to be in love with you.

The Andy Dick Fucktard Region

1. Kevin Federline (Last Week #1)
2. Nick Cannon (Last Week #2)
3. Terrell Owens (Last Week #3)
4. Quentin Tarrentino (Last Week #4)
5. Wilmer Valderrama (Last Week #5)
6. Flavor Flav (Last Week #6)
7. Ryan Seacrest (Last Week #7)
8. Bill O’Rielly (Last Week #10)
9. Verizon Guy (Last Week #8)
10. David Spade (Last Week #9)
11. Alec Baldwin (Last Week #11)
12. John Cena (Last Week #12)
13. Carson Daly (Last Week #13)
14. Ray J (Last Week: Unranked)
15. Peyton Manning (Last Week #15)
16. Jimmy Kimmel (Last Week #16)

Okay, not much here. Bill O’Rielly moves up after going on The Colbert Report and making a fool of himself. Here is the thing: Stephen Colbert is funny. Humor isn’t your thing, Bill. It’s crushing the spirit of the Left. Leave the jokes (and real news) to Stephen. Oh, and Ray J gets in for dating Whitney Houston and banging Paris V.2 Kim Kardashian on film. More jealousy on my part, but I still hate him because like Nick Cannon, is famous with no real talent to show for it while John Ritter and Marvin Gaye are dead. I fucking hate you.

Those are the ranking for this week. Any suggestions or votes let me know. I will be back Friday for the Chachi Top 20 Countdown so until then, stay up peeps! Oh wait, one thing. Look at this video and tell me whats wrong:

WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD YOU TRANSFORM INTO A MOTORCYCLE OR CAR WHEN YOU CAN FUCKING FLY?! God, the Go-Bots sucked it so damn dry. Anyway, be back on Friday with the Countdown.

Queer of the Chachi Age!

Yo yo yo yo yo! It is the middle of the day so you know what that means! Time for a mid-day update! What can I say, I love my peeps.

So, I want to discuss something that has been inquired of me over the last few…years I guess. After hitting 26 last year, the questions began to come my way from people about a certain subject. Oddly enough, it is touchier to them than it is to me. It gets tip-toed around for about three months until it is finally asked in a manner almost like ‘I have already made my assumption, but I want to hear you lie to me because it’s not what I think the answer is’ which I find humorous. Well, I am just going to tell you the question that has been asked of me five times in the last calendar year:

Are You Gay?

Well, that is a funny question. Now if you mean gay as in ‘carefree’ or ‘bright’ or ‘showy’ then yes, I am as gay as the day is long. If you mean gay as in I prefer butt sex with men then that answer is no. You see, people have been asking me that question since high school, basing their assumption solely on these factors:

1. They think I hate women. Zach brought this up last night. I love women, I just despise a lot of their actions. It’s the same way I feel about Black people. I think they rule, but sometimes what they do pisses me off to no end.

2. I like things perceived as homosexual. This has been hilarious to me because there is nothing gayer than sports (the bonding of men, the constant touching and brutalization as they roll around and toss themselves at each other wantonly). Yes, I like musicals and YES I like pop bands. Who doesn’t? You think that boy bands don’t get tang? They are KNEE DEEP in that shit. More so than athletes and rappers I’ll tell you that. I guarantee that for every woman that Wilt Chamberlin hit, the lead singer from Depeche Mode hit two more. AND HE’S REALLY GAY. Don’t even get me started on the whole musicals thing. Musicals rule all. Life would be better if there was a montage and a dance number attributed to important moments of your life. You think Ferris Bueller would have been awesome without the dance montage? Well, yeah but is rules so much more because of it. Hell, if in Passion of Christ Jesus had sang ‘No More Tears’ by Donna Summer before getting nailed on the cross; that would have made that movie tolerable. And you know how much I hated the world’s highest grossing snuff film.

3. Johnny Depp and Gackt. Fuck you, he’s hot. And as for Gackt, the man has transcended gender. He is a ‘Gackt’ as he has moved well past our petty labels of ‘male’ and ‘female’.

4. Dancing. I don’t believe that dancing is the ‘Caligula-to-a-Lil Jon-beat’ that we have become so accustomed to. I believe that dancing is what Bi and Usher do. And to a lesser extent, Justin Timberlake and Omarion. I guess I can toss BoA, Hyori Lee and Ciara in that group too. You know, actual MOVEMENTS TO A BEAT rather than gyrations and dry humping. Call me crazy, but I liked when you needed space to do a dance. Rememeber the ‘Kid N Play Kickstep?’

NOW THAT’S DANCING! Not this:

Crazy dancing making my penis soft. I like funky-fresh dance moves because when I have my boy-band, those will be a necessity. And don’t give me any crap about Para Para anymore because that stuff is fun.

I initially hated it but its better than the ‘slow wind’ or the weird chair dance that is in every video these days (See: Akon, I Wanna Love You. Or don’t, it just kills brain cells). Besides, liking the Hinoi Team doesn’t make me gay. It makes me a pervert cuz them girls is minors. Yeah, not any better but in Japan they would be considered too old for me. Another reason that country would kick ass if not for the whole panty fetish they have going on.

5. All my friends are guys. Yeah, this is true. Whenever I am out, it’s either:
• Rick and I
• Zach and I
• Nolan and I
• Nick and I
• Nolan, Nick and I
• Nolan, Zach, Nick and I

You get the idea. First off, I only have 5 friends (and one lives out of the state) to start off with. My female friends are too far, too busy or too young to hang out with. Whoa, that last part sounded HELLA creepy. The simple fact is that I am a simple creature. I am fucking anime fan and a total asshole so my friends are either anime fans (Nick, Nolan and Zach. We kind of have to accept it) or assholes (Rick, Zach and Griff. Who is less of an asshole as much as he finds joy in my pain and suffering. It’s why we boys, I guess). And you know what? They aren’t gay either! Zach has a thing for Anderson Cooper (I am more of a Matt Lauer man myself) and Rick likes to eat babies but aside from that we like the women. We all think they are fucking nuts but so are we so it all works out.

Quite simply, I am not gay. I am ambiguous a lot because of my interests, but I do not prefer the intimate company of other men. With that all being said, its time to give you all what you came to see. HOMO-EROTIC JAPANESE MUSIC VIDEO!

Yeah, if that doesn’t prove I’m straight, nothing will. I will be back tomorrow or Thursday with Doucheology. There has been a shake up in the rankings!! Tune in and see if you agree or blast me with hate if you don’t! The power is yours! Kinda, it is a representative democratic tournament. Stay up, peeps.

Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.

I Haven't Bitchslapped Someone Since Tuscon...

Hells yeah, peeps! It’s Friday and you know what that means! SLUMBER PARTAY! I will bring chips that are guaranteed to be…extreme! Oh and the Chachi Video Top 20 Countdown is today. But first, here is a new installment of…

BUBBLING UNDER!!

Okay…I have some explaining to do with the first video.

Gwen Stefani feat. Akon – Sweet Escape

Okay, lets do some math. I can’t stand Gwen Stefani. Akon makes me want to murder puppies. So put them together and it should throw me into a rage the likes man has never seen, right? Oddly enough it doesn’t. I actually like this song and dig the whole Harajuku Girls thing. The gothic maid look kind of does it for me. Next we have a video from a band that has been quiet for a while.

HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR - Tadoritsuku Basho

I will be the first to admit that I wasn’t the biggest HandMC fan until I heard Pride for Gundam Seed 90210 (I’m sure it exists, there are a lot of that show out there) and it changed my life. Maki’s voice has always reminded me of Amy Lee, and we know how much I love her. This video isn’t the standard HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR video but I digs it none the less.

And now, time for the CHACHI TOP 20 VIDEO COUNTDOWN!!

20. TERIYAKI BOYZ feat Kanye West – I Still Love H.E.R. (New Entry)

Okay, I just saw this video after hearing about it for a few weeks. After watching it, the song is SO DEFINITLY on the Countdown. Despite all his fucking stupidity, I still dig Kanye. The Teriyaki Boyz, despite how offensive the name is, still kick ass too. Combine that with the YouTube spoof video (hell, all the videos on YouTube look like this) and it makes it on this week. The song aint to shabby either.
19. Justin Timberlake feat. T.I. – My Love (Last Week # 16)
Well, J-Tim tried his best to take the top spot and now he is on his way out. It’s a shame, this video was my jam for a minute. News alert: J-Tim just poo-poo’ed an N*SYNC reunion. Well, that breaks my heart. At least BBMak is still together.
18. Daughtry – It’s Not Over (New Entry)

YES! Yeah, you knew this would make it on here soon. THE REAL WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL makes his debut on the Countdown this week! Yeah, this was the only reason I watched that shitty show after the Clay/Ruben fiasco. However I knew he wouldn’t win because America doesn’t wanna RAWK! And fuck Carrie Underwood. That is all.
17. Rain (Bi) – In My Bed (Last Week #20)
Yeah, Bi makes his move up the Countdown this week. I’m telling you; funky fresh dance moves is what I need. That will complete the package. Oh, and an update: no Man Up video yet. The clock is ticking, man.
16. UVERworld - Kimi no Suki na Uta (Last Week #14, #1 for four weeks)
The group may have dominated the Chachi’s but they have totally pissed me off with no album this month. It was one of the few things I was looking forward to and its not here. And yes I know I am LAME if this is what I was looking forward to so kiss my ass. I like The ‘World.
15. Evanescence – Lithium (Last Week #17)

So I finally got this video on my hard drive so I can watch it whenever I want. Which is all the time! Yeah, did I mention that I digs the Amy Lee? She’s nice. I like her. I like sex. You do the math.
14. Game – Let’s Ride (Last Week #11)
So The Game falls three more spots this week. It is about time for a new video from the West Coast posterboy. I saw his live show on MTV Jams and it actually wasn’t bad. I mean aside from Outkast most hip hop live shows are lacking but his was okay. I would have preferred a live band but what can I do?
13. Nas – Hip Hop Is Dead (Last Week #12)
Nas falls back a spot this week. More because everything above this I REALLY like rather than this video being bad. Even still, it is time for some new Nas.
12. Koda Kumi – Twinkle (Last Week #13)
So um…Kumi Koda has the AIDS. She has to. After hearing the ‘whore anthem’ that is Cherry Girl I don’t know what to do with her. Yet…I would still hit that. And I like this video, mainly because she doesn’t assault a defenseless bottle.
11. Bennie K – Joy Trip (Last Week #9, #1 for one week)
Well, Bennie K is out of the Top 10. On a high note I found a live performance of ‘Dreamland’ and I must say they were looking quite the fine. Cico has a tomboyish charm that makes me happy. IN MY PANTS!! I’m just kidding, she’s good people.
10. Halcali – Look (Last Week #15, Biggest Mover)

Yaaaaay! The ladies of Halcali move up FIVE SPOTS to crack the Top 10 for the first time in almost a year! Yeah, I listen to this song while I am driving around with they windows down. And I only have five friends. It all adds up. I don’t care, this video RULES. They have grown up…I’m so proud…strong Chachi…wont cry….
9. John Legend – Heaven (Last Week #7, #1 for two weeks)
So I FINALLY found his House of Blues live recording! Ordinary People live must kick more ass than I can possible comprehend. Too bad he doesn’t have a new video yet.
8. T.I. feat Young Jeezy, Young Dro, Big Kuntry, & B.G. – Top Back (Remix) [Last Week #10]
T.I. inches his way back toward the top. I have the Grand Hustle Mixtape (the album the remix is on, since it aint on King) and it leaves a lot to be desired. All I know is that Big Kuntry is below average. However, he is still better than Tony ‘The Retard’ Yayo so Grand Hustle is above G-Unit.
7. RBD (Rebelde) – Ser o Parecer (Last Week #5)
NOOOOOOO! Where in the hell is Wanna Play?! Gimme some of that Dulce Maria NOW! NOW I TELLS YOU OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY!! MI CORAZON ES EN FUEGO!!! FUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
6. Omarion – Ice Box (Last Week #8)

So Omarion inches closer to the Top Five with no Man Up video in sight. Dammit you have one month before I begin to get pissed off. You have been warned.
5. May J feat. VERBAL – Here We Go (Last Week #6)
May J is SLOOOOOOOOOWLY making her way up, finally cracking the Top 5. Kind of sad she only had one nomination for the Chachi’s (Best New Artist, which she lost to Yui) but she will have more next year, especially if her album rocks the box.
4. Rain (Bi) – I’m Coming (Last Week # 2)
WHAT?! Bi couldn’t take the Number One spot? If Bi couldn’t who could?! Aside from John Legend he has been the only other contender for King of the Countdown! He has a snappy ballad to follow this up (which is the standard, see Freeway/Move On) but if Bi couldn’t take the throne with I’m Coming….wow. Now, for the shocker…
3. Nelly Furtado – Say It Right (Last Week #1, #1 for three weeks)

WHAT AGAIN?! Nelly’s reign at number one has been ended! After a steady rise and keeping John Legend and Bi at bay Nelly Furtado falls two spots from the top to number three. She has a new single in the UK (All Good Things Come To An End came out a while back) and the video may be on here still. Even still, hell of a run. So who is the NEW NUMBER ONE? Only two left…
2. Young Jeezy – I Love It (Last Week #3)

The Snowman Cometh! Young Jeezy moves up one more spot this week to number two, just short of the top spot. He doesn’t work my nerves like previous (Anyone remember how Soul Survivor with Akon was everywhere? I hated that fucking song) and that is always good. Who kept Young Jeezy from getting to the top? Well, it may be a little bit of a surprise…
1. Yui – Rolling Star (Last Week #4, #1 for one week)

After a LOOOOOOONG trek through the ranks Yui finally captures the throne! From what I know of it is still the opening theme of Bleach and I CANNOT WAIT for her album. I mean seriously, this could be as big than Mr. Big’s album. Maybe even BIGGER. Until then, Rolling Star takes Number One Spot this week!

That is all for this Friday peeps! Tune in next Friday to see if Yui can hold on for a second week! Or if Young Jeezy can go from the trap house to the penthouse! Look it up. Hell, can Nelly take back what is hers? Be back in seven to find out!

Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.

It Begins Again...

Morning, peeps! It's been a whole since I have been on and I first want to thank you for attending...er...reading the Chachi Awards! All three of you. Two more than I expected, so it works out in the end.

Seeing as how I won't have the middle of the day to sit back and update this anymore, it is about time to get started on the staple of this blog. The Battle of the Asshats is back, peeps! I give to you....

The 2nd Annual Tom Cruise Douchebrawl 2007!!!

Yeah, you know it. The suprise, suspense and all-round awesomeness of last years tourney begins again! This year, I will do it a little different. Beginning....in like eight minutes I will have a stack ranking of the 16 entrants per region. Depending on YOUR VOTES (and my input) the brackets will be modified until the start date of 2/23/2007 in which the battle will begin! At that point, it will be the same as last year, voting for each match-up until the winner is chosen by the peeps. As usual, I will only vote in the case of a tie. So the power is YOURS! Da-dun-dun! Captain Planet reference...eh, fuck it. Abyway, I give to you the first set of rankings of the participants. ESPN has Bracketology, here at the Passion of Chachi (I'm open to a name change, BTW. Its been a year it is time for something new.) we have.....

DOUCHEOLOGY!!!

Yeah, not as disgusting as it sounds. Here we go, peeps!

The 50 Cent Musicians Region

1. Bono (Last Year # 3)
2. Diddy (Last Year #4)
3. Clay Aiken (New Entrant)
4. Eminem (New Entrant)
5. Toby Keith (New Entrant)
6. Nelly (Last Year #2)
7. Fall Out Boy (New Entrant)
8. The Fray (New Entrant)
9. Dave Matthews Band (Last Year #13)
10. James Blount (New Entrant)
11. Akon (New Entrant
12. Snoop Dogg (Last Year # 6)
13. Fergie (New Entrant)
14. Gwen Stefani (New Entrant)
15. Usher (New Entrant, Tenative)
16. Carrie Underwood (New Entrant)

Okay, I understand that this years musician bracket is rather top heavy. Truth is I avoid music in english so I'm not hip to the new notes. However, this is the first set of rankings and that is what voting is for. However, Bono and Diddy aren't moving. They are the Duke and North Carolina of douches: as long as they have 20 wins they are a top seed. Usher is only in if an album is not released by the day Douchebrawl starts. If there is new music by him before or on that date all is forgiven. If not, prepare to meet Diddy in the first round, asshole. Eminem and Toby Keith make high debuts this years as does Fallout Boy (who SUCKS!) while Nelly gets on here for breathing. Oh, and 50 Cent has a region named after him! Lets just hope he doesnt get a street named after him. Curtis Jackson Blvd could be the new Em-El-Kay. That's MLK or Martin Luther King Blvd for you stupid people. Next set of participants are in the....

The George Lucas Actor/Actress Region

1. Mel Gibson (Last Year #2)
2. Ashton Kutcher (New Entrant to the Actor Region)
3. George Clooney (Last Year #7)
4. Nick Cage (New Entrant)
5. Ben Affleck (Last Year #4)
6. Jack Black (New Entrant)
7. Leonardo DiCaprio (New Entrant)
8. Colin Farrel (Last Year #10)
9. Heath Ledger (Last Year #8)
10. Hayden Christensen (Last Year #9)
11. Russell Crowe (New Entrant. HOW DID I FORGET THIS ASSHOLE?!)
12. Paul Walker (New Entrant)
13. Julia Roberts (Last Year #5)
14. Benicio Del Toro (New Entrant)
15. Brad Pitt (Last Year # 14)
16. Kevin Costner (New Entrant)

With Tom Cruise becoming the namesake of this thing, I had to pick another asshole to be the name of this thing. Since there was no way in FUCK I was taking Mel Gibson out, I chose George Lucas. No one has screwed up more childhoods (except maybe Michael Jackson) than that dickhead. As you can see, the entrants havent changed much from last year. The only real change is that I put Ashton Kutcher in the Actor Region because...I wanted more room in the Fucktard Region. That and he kind of acts. Aside from Russell Crowe (who I cannot BELIEVE I FORGOT LAST YEAR! WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME!) and DiCRAPrio it is the same gang of idiots. It is so gonna rule if it is Aston vs. Mel, that would be so killer. It is up to the peeps to make it stick. Toss some names out, I dont keep up with the movies like I used to. The next rankings are for the suprise of last years Douchebrawl....

The Heather Graham Trollop Whore Region

1. Tara Reid (Last Year #2)
2. Paris Hilton (New Entrant. Yeah, this shocked the shit out of me too)
3. Angelina Jolie (New Entrant)
4. Britney Spears (Last Year #1)
5. Cameron Diaz (Last Year # 3)
6. Jessica Simpson (Last Year # 8)
7. Lindsay Lohan (Last Year #5)
8. Pamela Anderson (Last Year # 13)
9. Janet Jackson (New Entrant)
10. Kumi Koda (New Entrant)
11. Jennifer Lopez (Last Year # 6)
12. Nicole Ritchie (New Entrant)
13. Pussycat Dolls (New Entrant)
14. Drew Barrymore (Last Year #7)
15. Courtney Love (New Entrant)
16. Sarah Jessica Parker (Last Year #9)

I still can't believe Heather Graham won last year. That was just the proof that it is all about the power of the people. I so thought Britney had this on LOCKDOWN. This year there are A LOT of new entrants. The biggest names being Paris Hilton and Angelina Jolie (I have no idea how I missed Paris. I must have been drunk as hell or something) making debuts. Kumi Koda, despite my love for her, snuck in here as well. After learning the lyrics to 'Cherry Girl' (Men are like rodeo horses, they are easily used? Who the fuck is she, Debra Winger?!) she needs to be here because that song is the new whore anthem. (Update: FUCK YEAH, Bleach 112 just finished downloading!). Lindsay, Cameron and J-Lo all fell this year, more about their lack of relevance than their ending to their trampdom. Your input is valued in this region, but it looks pretty good. Lastly, we have the personal favorite of mine...

The Andy Dick Fucktard Region

1. Kevin Federline (Last Year #1)
2. Nick Cannon (New Entrant)
3. Terrell Owens (New Entrant)
4. Quentin Tarrentino (Last Year #3)
5. Wilmer Valderrama (Last Year #10)
6. Flavor Flav (New Entrant)
7. Ryan Seacrest (New Entrant)
8. Verizon Guy (New Entrant)
9. David Spade (Last Year #7)
10. Bill O’Riley (New Entrant)
11. Alec Baldwin (Last Year #4)
12. John Cena (New Entrant. EDGE IS THE REAL CHAMP, BITCH!)
13. Carson Daly (New Entrant)
14. MTV VJ’s (Last Year #13)
15. Peyton Manning (Last Year # 8)
16. Jimmy Kimmel (New Entrant)

FUCK NICK CANNON!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT HIM! Well he is in this year and he is #2 for starters. Peeps, he is damn near a lock. Now I know what you are thinking. Hey, shouldnt this region be named after K-Fuck?! The answer is yes. However, he is just too much of a Douche to NOT be in here. I had to give him another chance, so I named the region after Andy Dick, even though I named all of Douchebrawl after him last year. Taking a look at this region, T.O. makes his debut in this after a mindfuck of a 2006. Man I can't stand him anymore. Oh, and John Cena pisses me off. I know none of you are wrestling fans but to beat Edge (Who turned the negatives of banging a another man's old lady into being WWE champ and my favorite wrestler. Viva Canada!) IN CANADA in a TLC match was bullshit. Fuck John Cena in his stupid head. I should put Vince McMahon here but that is just redundant. Take a look at Survivor Series 1997 to see his douchebaggery in full power. A mere tourney cannot hold his Douche-itude. We also have Papa Bear in this region again, solely because my blog is owned by those Leftist fuckers at Fox News. Bleeding heart pussies they are. Anyway, this region should have ALOT of input.

Well, this is the first posting of Doucheology! I will try to have it up once a week or so to give updates on how the brackets are looking. Tomorrow is the Chachi Top 20 Video Countdown and there has been a MASSIVE SHAKE UP!! See you tomorrow, peeps!!

Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.

Greatest. Day. Ever.

First things first. Congratulations, the Patriots have FALLEN!!! Too bad it was Peyton Manning that did it (although it was Joseph Addai got the TD, he is a beast), but at least Tom Brady won't be in the Super Bowl. That makes me happy inside, although he did take DiCaprio
s cookie. DICK MOVE! In a good way, I hate DiCaprio WAY more than Brady. Oh, and it's SUPER BOWL SHUFFLE TIME, PEEPS!!!

Hells yeah. DA BEARS!!

Now, for the conclusion of....

The 2007 Chachi Awards!!!

It's time for the major awards, the big trophies if you will. Here we go, starting with Music!

Video/Song of the Year (Overall)

The nominees are...

John Legend – Save Room

UVERworld - Chance

Shakira feat. Wyclef Jean – Hips Don’t Lie

T.I. – What You Know

M-Flo loves Emi Hinouchi and Ryohei – Summer Time Love

Daniel Powter – Bad Day

And The Winner Is…

John Legend – Save Room!!!

Yes, John Legend deserves this. This was a great ALBUM, not just a great R&B album. This video was a great and actually rather original video. Not the standard 'booty butt, booty butt, booty butt cheeks' fare.

Next we have the Best of the Best in the Movies categories!

Best Movie of the Year

The nominees are...

Accepted

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Thank You For Smoking

Clerks II

Grandma’s Boy

Borat: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN

Snakes On A Plane

And The Winner Is…

Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest

This was close. I mean REEEEEAL close between all the movies because I gave all of them 10 out of 10 stars. At the end of the day, even though the ending pissed me off TO NO END, Pirates was the movie of the year. Borat and Clerks 2 made me laugh, Thank You For Smoking and Accepted made me think and Snakes on a Plane and Grandma's Boy just fucking ruled. At the end of the day, Pirates of the Caribbean did all three. And Johnny Depp's hotness counteracted Orlando Bloom's gayness. Next, we go to one of the big two awards...

Lo Pan Badass of the Year Award!!

Lo Pan would be proud. If he gave a fuck, which he doesn't because he is so bad ass. The nominees are...

Iron Man (Civil War)

Stephen Colbert (Colbert Report)

Superboy Prime (Infinite Crisis)

Samoa Joe (TNA)

And The Winner Is…

STEPHEN COLBERT!!! After staring down Papa Bear last week, that solidified his Bad-Assedness. No, it isn't a word. But it will be. Iron Man pissed me off way too much (I HATE TONY STARK. Always have, always will. Just a pussy Batman) and Superboy Prime went out like a bitch. Samoa Joe almost won it, but Stephen Colbert edged him out. I feel a Muscle Buster coming my way pretty soon. Now, time for the final award of the evening...

The First Annual Chuck Norris Moment Of Awesomeness (The Best Moment of the Year)

Yeah, Chuck would be proud. Or not, pride is an emotion and emotions are beneath Chuck Norris. Except hate, because he hates idiots. Anyway, here are the final nominees of the night!

Civil War Arc

I’M TIRED OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!

The Gravitas Rematch

In-Vince-ible (Vince Young, 2006 Rose Bowl)

And The Winner Is…

Vince Young in the Rose Bowl!!! Sports fan or not, no athelete, EVER had simply imposed their will on an opponent like Vince did against USC. No one has put their team on their back (MALE OR FEMALE for you gender jerkasses) on such a grand stage, either. 400 plus yards of offense and 3 touchdowns against a team that everyone (myself included) felt could not be beat is remarkable. Two Heisman trophy winners, no less than 3 NFL starters from the defense and at least 3 from the offense and Vince Young just said FUNK DAT! The Gravitas Battle was awesome, Civil War has changed the landscape of comics (which I am sure no one who reads this cares about but I do) and Snakes on a Plane was a hell of a ride. Vince Young redefined what a star performance meant. Great job, Vince. Great job.

Thank you for coming, peeps! That is all for the Chachi Awards for 2007! Tune in next January for the 2008 edition of the Chachi Awards! I want to thank all the people that voted (all three of you) and everyone who came out the see the results!

I also have a big announcement. DOUCHEBRAWL 2007 is coming in Feburary/March! I will have the brackets up soon and your input is grately appreciated! Last year I had the peeps add three people and one was Heather Graham, who almost won! So thank everyone and good night! GO BEARS!!!

Live, Laugh, Learn and Love

Welcome Back To The Show!

We are back from our commercial break (Actually I was watching the Colts/Patriots game. My prediction may be right! Colts/Bears, fool!) and we continue the Chachi Awards with the Music and Movie Awards! Lets start off with the Music Chachi's!

Male Artist of the Year (Domestic)

T.I.
Justin Timberlake
Daniel Powter
John Legend
Big Boi

And The Winner Is….

T.I.!!

Female Artist of the Year (Domestic)

Mary J. Blige
Nelly Furtado
Jojo
Shakira
Ciara

And The Winner Is….

Nelly Furtado!!

Group of the Year (Domestic)

All American Rejects
Evanesence
The Fray
Three Days Grace
Rascal Flatts

And The Winner Is….

Evanesence!!

Male Artist of the Year (Forgien)

Bi (Rain)
Se7en
M-Flo
Ken Hirai

And The Winner Is…

Bi!!!

Female Artist of the Year (Forgien)

Kumi Koda
Hyori Lee
Bennie K
A.I.
BoA
Ayumi Hamasaki

And The Winner Is….

Kumi Koda!!

Group of the Year (Forgien)

Flow
UVERworld
Beat Crusaders
Orange Range
HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR
Soul’d Out

And The Winner Is….

UVERworld!!!

Male Artist of the Year (Overall)

Bi (Rain)
T.I.
John Legend
Daniel Powter
Justin Timberlake

And The Winner Is….

John Legend!!!

Female Artist of the Year (Overall)

Mary J. Blige
Kumi Koda
Shakira
Bennie K
Nelly Furtado

And The Winner Is…

Nelly Furtado!!

Group of the Year (Overall)

RBD (Rebelde)
UVERworld
The Fray
Evanesence
Flow
Rascal Flatts

And The Winner Is…

UVERworld!!!

Best New Artist (Overall)

Yui
Young Dro
May J.
Ne-Yo
Daniel Powter

And The Winner Is…

Yui!!

The Video/Song of the Year (and the Movie of the Year) will be in segment three! Next, we have the Movie Awards!

Best Male Performance

Jet Li – Fearless
Johnny Depp – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Aaron Eckart – Thank You For Smoking
Samuel L. Jackson – Snakes On A Plane
Allen Covert – Grandma’s Boy
Sacha Baron Cohen – Borat: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN

And The Winner Is…

Sacha Baron Cohen - Borat!!!

Best Female Performance

Kiera Knightly - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Kate Bosworth – Superman Returns
Rosario Dawson – Clerks II
Linda Cardellini – Grandma’s Boy
Kate Beckensale – Underworld: Evolution
Natalie Portman – V For Vendetta

And The Winner Is…

Linda Cardellini – Grandma’s Boy!!!

Worst Movie of the Year

Nacho Libre
An Inconvenient Truth
Miami Vice
Saw III
The Omen
Jackass #2

And The Winner Is….

Nacho Libre!!!

Biggest Disappointment of the Year (Not Bad, Just Not Up To The Hype)

X-Men 3: United
Superman Returns
Talladega Nights
Ergon

And The Winner Is…

Eragon!!!

Surprise of the Year (Movie I Expected To Suck That Kicked Ass)

Accepted
Cars
Silent Hill
Happy Feet
Little Miss Sunshine

And The Winner Is…

Accepted!!!

The Big Awards of the Night will be up soon! Stay tuned!!

We Are Running On A Slight Tape Delay...

Okay, so the awards are running late. Billy Crystal backed out so I had to do the honors myself. So America, Canada, Japan and any other country that is cool enough to read this, I present to you...

THE 2007 CHACHI AWARDS!!!

Yeah, you know you like it. I want to give a quick thank you to Neil Diamond and Jebus because without them there is no me. I also want to thank Pootie Tang and The Big Lebowski. No real reason, those two movies just kick ass. Let's get this shindig started. First up, we have the Individual Awards!

Let's start with the First Annual Gackt Bishie of the Year (Hottest Male) Award! The nominees are....

Johnny Depp
Chris Leak
Matthew McConaughey
Bi (Rain)
T.I.
Justin Timberlake

Stiff competition. Let's find out who the best peice of mancake is. The Winner Is…

Matthew McConaughey!!! Yes, the Too Hot Texan takes home the first Bishie Award! He made us cry in We Are Marshall and made us swoon in Failure To Launch. All around, a hot year for Matt. Now to the next award, the Salma Hayek Hawt Tottie of the Year (Hottest Lady) Award. Ooohhh, my favorite. The nominees are...

Shakira
Esther Baxter
Hyori Lee
Vida Guerra
Kelly Hu
Dulce Maria

Seriously, can we go wrong with any of these, peeps? Hells no. But there has to be a winner. And The Winner Is…

Vida Guerra!!! Yeah, I likes the me some Vida. It was close (there was a vote for Hyori and a vote for Kelly Hu) but Vida takes the Hawt Tottie Award. Well deserved, as she was looking quite nice in 2006. Too bad she got naked and ruined my illusion. Eh, thems the breaks. The next award is a little controversial but its OH SO RIGHT! The nominees for the You + Me = Jailtime Award are...

Jojo
Hayden Panettiere
Alyson Michalka
Hinoi Team

Yeah, that's 5-10 per lady. And The Winner Is…

Hayden Panettiere!!! This is less from Heroes and more from Bring It On: All Or Nothing. Greatest movie ever. Yes, I know she's not 18 but look at her. She knows she ist taunting me with her hotness. It's not fair! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! Well, congratulations. Hayden, you will be getting love notes from me soon. Now for the best award ever. The nominees for the Sigh…I’d Hit That Award are...

Kumi Koda
Christina Milian
Scarlett Johanssen
Lindsay Lohan

And The Winner Is….

Scarlett Johanssen/Kumi Koda!!! Yes, a tie. Scarlett is the 1B compared to Kumi Koda's 1A. Despite the hittability factor of Kumi Koda (and it is HIGH, just look at the Won't Be Long video with EXILE) I could not in goot conscious leave Scarlett out. So, they will share this award, much like I wish they would share me. OH, I'm naughty!

Next on the Chachi's we have the Movie Awards! They will be up later on tonight!

In Awards Presented Earlier Because No One Cares....

Good morning, peeps! It is NFL Conference Championship Sunday so I will of course be watching those games (Bears/Colts is what I hope, but it will be Patriots/Saints because this whole thing is rigged). Because of that, the Chachi’s will be posted in PRIME TIME at 7pm MST (9pm EST)!! The day is finally here, peeps! I told you I would do it, although 5 months late. Much like any award show, there were some awards handed out last night in the parking lot of the Carmike 10 and before the initial airing tonight.

Music

Best Rap Album

Jay Z – Kingdom Come
Young Dro – The Best Thang Smokin’
T.I. – King
The Game – The Doctor’s Advocate
Young Jeezy – The Inspiration

And The Winner Is…

T.I. – King!!!

Best Pop Album

RBD – Celestial
High School Musical Soundtrack
Nelly Furtado – Loose
Rascal Flatts – Me and My Gang
Justin Timberlake – FutureSex/LoveSounds

And The Winner Is…

Nelly Furtado – Loose!!!

Best R&B Album

Beyonce – B’Day
Ne-Yo – In My Own Words
Mary J. Blige – The Breakthrough
John Legend – Once Again
Prince – 3121

And The Winner Is…

John Legend – Once Again!!!

Best Rock Album

AFI – Decemberunderground
UVERworld – Timeless
Three Days Grace – One-X
Breaking Benjamin – Phobia
Evanescence – The Open Door

And The Winner Is…

Three Days Grace – One-X!!!

Best J-Pop/K-Pop Album

Kumi Koda – Black Cherry
Ayumi Hamasaki – Secret
Bi (Rain) – Rain’s World
UVERworld – Timeless
Hikaru Utada – Ultra Blue

And The Winner Is…

Bi (Rain) – Rain’s World!!!

TV

Best TV Show

Heroes
Scrubs
24
Death Note
Friday Night Lights

And The Winner Is…

Scrubs!!!

Best TV Show (Animated)

Death Note
Venture Brothers
Aqua Teen Hung Force
Bleach
Family Guy

And The Winner Is…

Death Note!!!

Best TV Show (Live)

Heroes
Grey’s Anatomy
24
Friday Night Lights
Scrubs

And The Winner Is….

Scrubs!!!

Best TV Show (Reality…Shit I Can’t Believe I Did This…)

Flavor Of Love: Season 2
Surreal Life
American Idol (Until America’s Stupid Ass Voted Out Chris Daughtry)
EgoTrip’s White Rapper Show (Seriously, it kicks ass!)

And The Winner Is…

Surreal Life

That is all for now! Congratulations to the winners! Gonna watch the Bears/Saints now. DA BEARS!! I will be back after the AFC Championship with the full results of the Chachi’s!

Live, Laugh, Love and Learn.

(HOLY SHIT, CHRIS DAUGHTRY SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT THE BEARS GAME!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!)

The Greatest Day Since Air Supply Rocked out in the Meadowlands in 1985.

Good morning, peeps! Are you ready to work for the weekend?! Ahh, Loverboy. That song is an anthem. Anyway, as you know Friday is the day I don the Countdown, but first here are some songs that didn’t make it on, but are still quite the groovy. Here is….

BUBBLING UP!!

Let’s get started, shall we?

EXILE – Lovers Again

Now I mainly know EXILE from the dancing bald dude (that man has the mad skills), but I listened to them from time to time. However, the Won’t Be Long video really hipped me to these guys. The Kumi Koda splits had NOTHING to do with that, BTW. Even still, I have had this song for a minute and got the video a few weeks ago. Good stuff and a nice groove. Next comes some guys that I have been missing for a while now.

TERIYAKI BOYZ feat Kanye West – I Still Love H.E.R.

The most offensive name in hip hop is back! For those that don’t know (which is pretty much just probably Zach) the TERIYAKI BOYZ are comprised some of the biggest names in Japanese hip hop. They are comprised of Ryo-Z of Rip Slyme (a good listen), Verbal of M-Flo (albeit he is Korean and faking the J-Funk), Ilmari (I think of Rip Slyme, too) and Wise (same thing, no idea). You may remember them from the mindrape that was Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift (they did the rap song that had the high pitched girl yelling FAST AND FURIOUUUUUUS!) and they even got Kanye West on the song. Yes, I know I have called him a nut case (And I am sure he will launch missles at the Grammy’s) but the man is awesome in small doses. This song is proof. Good stuff!

Daughtry – It’s Not Over

THE REAL FUCKING WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL! Hells yeah! The only reason to watch the show in the last 5 years (aside from the is Clay Aiken human or not. The answer: he’s one of those things from Dark Crystal which is technically a muppet)

Let the Countdown begin!

20. Rain (Bi) – In My Bed (New Entry)

What can be better than one Bi video? How about TWO BI VIDEOS?! Be still, peeps. I know it is almost hawtie overkill. Aside from T.I., Pootie Tang and The Monarch, I now have someone to pattern my life after. All I need is a BMW and a six pack and the ladies will come a knocking. Fuck that, I’m good. I will have my Rumble Roses XX and DOA Xtreme soon. MY GOD, I’M SO FUCKING LAME!
19. John Legend – Save Room (Last Week #17, #1 for five weeks)
Supposedly there is a new single in the works for Mr. Legend. Reports are that ‘Where Did My Baby Go’ will be the next song off Once Again and the song is of course the mad notes. Don’t ever say an unkind word about John Legend, fool!
18. Nelly Furtado – Maneater (Last Week #15)
So this news is for adults only. It seems there is a picture on the internet that shows a…malfunction of Nelly’s on stage. If this picture is found, I will not reject it if it happens to be sent to me.
17. Evanescence – Lithium (Last Week #19)
Amy Lee and Company lead the charge up the countdown in their second week. The more I watch this video, the more I like HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR. Except the dude that sings in HaMC (His name escapes me) gives them an edge. Still, I dig this vid.
16. Justin Timberlake feat. T.I. – My Love (Last Week # 14)
Okay, I am happy about the fact that J-Tim got nominated for a shitload of Grammy’s but over JOHN FUCKING LEGEND, who only got robbed with only one nod?! I think Akon had more and that bastard SUCKS IT HARD! More importantly, J-Tim only had like 4 songs on his album and 19 interludes. Pissing me off. Even still, I liked the album but…c’mon over JOHN LEGEND?! SHIT!
15. Halcali – Look (Last Week #18)

Ah, something to calm me down. This video is like aromatherapy without the funk of those damn candles. And the dance steps are so simple. Gotta steal them for the boy band. Have to have wicked dance moves to be successful as a group and we aint all that talented. I have my moments but for the most part we are pretty fucking rhythm-less.
14. UVERworld - Kimi no Suki na Uta (Last Week #12, #1 for four weeks)
YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!! HOW DARE YOU PUSH YOUR ALBUM BACK DUE TO SOME LEGAL TROUBLE?! Shit, legal troubles made 2Pac and R.Kelly MEGA-STARS. Ride this press till the wheels fall off! Then push that bitch to platinum status! I am so pissed off right now I can’t think straight. You sawed-off hippies better have the album out by the 22nd of February or I will get indignant on your asses!
13. Koda Kumi – Twinkle (Last Week #16)
Nothing like Kumi Koda to calm me down. So far she is the front runner in the I’d Hit That Chachi Award. Let’s face it, nice-looking young lady but I am sure that she has gotten around like a Rick James beat. Wow…that was good. Feel free to use that.
12. Nas – Hip Hop Is Dead (Last Week #13)

Nasir Jones moves up one more spot this week in an attempt to crack the Top 10. All I can say is that he did a song with Snoop Dogg. I cant stand Snoop Dogg. Do the math. It will be a struggle for you, Nas.
11. Game – Let’s Ride (Last Week #9)
After flirting with the top yet again, The Game takes another tumble this week. You know, I am really getting annoyed with the half-ass videos. The last good hip hop video was probably Testify by Common because…it didn’t have a Lamborghini in it. I am so sick of that car right now.
10. T.I. feat Young Jeezy, Young Dro, Big Kuntry, & B.G. – Top Back (Remix) [Last Week #11]
Speaking of half-assed videos, here comes one. However, it has Young Dro, Jeezy and TI in the same spot so I wont hate. I should, but I can’t. Hell, I like my top let back and my beat down low. If I had a rag-top…or beat. Even still, it cracks the Top 10.
9. Bennie K – Joy Trip (Last Week #6, #1 for one week)

Sigh, nothing new from Bennie K until March is the latest report. All I can say is boo to that. I need my damn Yuki fix!!
8. Omarion – Ice Box (Last Week #10)
So Omarion moves up two more spots this week. All I can say is that the same threat I made to Usher goes to Omarion AND to Bi. You have two months to make a video for ‘Man Up’ before I have to act. You have been warned, I can get a puppy.
7. John Legend – Heaven (Last Week #4, #1 for two weeks)
Man, I am really pissed off about this Grammy situation. I know they mean nothing (Hell, I have two and one of them I use to hammer nails) but still. Once Again is one of the best albums of the year (Better than Carrie FUCKING UNDERWOOD I bet!) and got less love than his first album. All I can say is that this is why the Grammy’s suck. U2 had more nominations than Mr. Legend too, btw. Fuck U2.
6. May J feat. VERBAL – Here We Go (Last Week #8)

May J moves up another two spots this week in her steady trek upward. All I can say is look at her and see why. If you can’t dig that then I can’t help you.
5. RBD (Rebelde) – Ser o Parecer (Last Week #3)
RBD falls this week but do not fret, peeps. The video for ‘Wanna Play’ will be released soon and lets just say that the ladies of RBD will make it quite nice to watch. I guarantee it.
4. Yui – Rolling Star (Last Week #7)
Just got this single a few days ago and all I can say is HELLS YES. This is officially my favorite video (not favorite song, that belongs to Omarion/Bi with ‘Man Up’ but it is getting there) and the three spot jump proves it. Can Yui hang with the veterans in the Top Three? We may find out soon!
3. Young Jeezy – I Love It (Last Week #5)

Young Jeezy makes a bold move for the top spot, jumping up two spot to enter the Top Three! The track record isn’t so good for hip hop in the Top Three, with NO rappers (aside from T.I.) taking the top spot unless you count Sleepy Brown with Big Boi and Pharell, who is kind of a rapper. Let’s get it!
2. Rain (Bi) – I’m Coming (Last Week # 2)

For the second week in a row, Bi is held at Number Two. Can he pull the top spot even after a new video has made its way on the Countdown? History shows that artists with two videos don’t fare well (John Legend, UVERworld, Bennie K, Nelly Furtado, etc.) but if anyone can buck that trend, it is Bi! Now it is time to see who is Number One…
1. Nelly Furtado – Say It Right (Last Week #1, #1 for three weeks)

Nelly holds on to the top spot for another week, making her the longest running champ of 2007, albeit only like three weeks old and all. Even still, after FINALLY taking the top spot after Maneater being held at #2 for a month, lets say she is making up for lost time. I’m still waiting for a video for ‘Do It’ BTW. That song is the best song on the album, IMHO.

That is all for the countdown this week! Tune in next week to see if Nelly can hang on to the top spot for a full month! Or can Bi finally take the mountain top! Don’t forget about the Snowman, he would LOVE it if he were Number One! Tune in!

Normally I would end the post with that on a Friday. Not today, as something important happened last night. Last night my life changed forever. Yes, you may have witnessed this event, too. Last night, Stephen Colbert stared down a bear. No, not just any bear. I stared down….Papa Bear. Bill O’Reilly. The Irish Douchebag. As if the Irish could be anything else, but still. He was owned (AND I MEAN OWNED) by Jon Stewart.

The man had more political insight in a PEANUTS GANG reference than Bill has had in the 50 plus shows I have watched of the O’Reilly Factor. What I really find funny about the Irish Douchebag is that he feels like he is SO ABOVE the fake news of Mr. Colbert (my daddy) and Mr. Stewart (My other daddy. See, a two parent household! Two white daddies and a black son! Family values for your ASS!) when Fox News is just news with a slant. All news is given with a slant, it is a business. To say that there is a liberal bias in the news is the biggest ‘No Shit’ statement since ‘Lance Bass is Gay’. I mean who didn’t see that coming? I called that in COLLEGE, seeing as how I said he was dating the light-skinned guy from O-Town. At least The Daily Show and The Colbert Report give a news story with humorous commentary. The only this humorous about Fox News is that it takes itself seriously. They are just as much a joke as MSNBC, and I know because I’m the only person that watches that network. For those of you that missed it, Stephen was kind of easy on Papa Bear. Probably because he would have flown into a drunken rage had he truly served him. It was funny stuff, especially when Stephen responded to Bill digs (and he did try to dig into him about five times) with well placed but not unfounded digs of his own. Some will be disappointed, but what more could you expect? Bill is a douche, not like he would have let Stephen go full throttle. Check out the replay in Comedy Central when you can, it will be on like twenty time because they lack programming.

Well, that is all for now as I have some things to do. Mainly cry about no UVERworld until next month. I will be back on Sunday night, peeps!

Live, Laugh, Love and Learn.

The Best Offense...Is To Be Offensive.

What is up, peeps? ANOTHER mid-week update! What can I say, I am a giver. Seeing as how UVERworld’s album has been pushed back and Mike Vick like bong water (AH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!) this has been a rather rough fucking week. More so for some OTHER people, but all I can say to that is that people are stupid as shit.

Which brings me to why I am dropping the knowledge to the peeps today. I have to hurry because Scrubs is on in a few minutes (HOLY SHIT, IT’S A MUSICAL! Oh, I am so gay) but I had to speak because something has been brought to my attention. So for the second day in a row, I bring to you a Passion of Chachi staple. Today I give you….

Learnin With Master Chief Captain Chachi!!

What Exactly Is Offensive?

This is an age old question that has been debated by scholars and fucktards in the workplace since…well women’s lib (short for library or liberation or some other word that begins with ‘lib’). And we all know they use THAT to the fullest. Having one speaker of the house does not trump Paris Hilton like having Barack Obama doesn’t make up for the half a decade of Nelly and Lil Jon for blacks (Holy shit, Nelly has been around for six years. I should have handled his ass already. Yeah, I made a threat. Bring it; I am helping out America by offing that fool). Are black jokes offensive? Are jokes about gays and transgender hurtful? Do sexist jokes create an awkward workplace? Yes. There is something that needs to be said to that.

SO THE FUCK WHAT?!

The world is an offensive place. GET OVER IT. I get offended whenever I look at MTV or the news. I get pissed when I hear newscasters use ‘bling’ in a fucking newscast like it is a real goddamned word. I get PISSED every time Kevin Federline takes a breath when Jam Master Jay is fucking dead. I have had ENOUGH of people try to turn the workplace into some fucking Utopia when the world itself is rather fucked up. You looked at the news lately? Life aint all snapdragons and lollypops. By trying to please everyone you please nobody. I mean a simple answer is to punish or change the accuser.

As someone who was in several clubs that endorsed ‘Ethnic and Gender Diversity’ in college as well as being a minority AND sexually ambiguous (I love ladies, just not the insanity and self-personality change that comes with them) I believe I have the credentials to speak on this. The idea that someone should be given sensitivity training, punished or convinced that their comments are offensive is counter-intuitive. Look it up, I’ll wait. The simple fact is that diversity cannot be forced. Well it CAN be but it is not effective. By forcing someone to abide by a rule of what SOME PEOPLE think is offensive is not fair and just fucking stupid. Who is to say that certain just because someone doesn’t like midgets that a midget should be able to claim harassment? I have a huge problem with the Turks (IT’S CONSTANTINOPLE, YOU FUCKERS!) so I stay away from them. It is that simple. It doesn’t create a weird environment for me to stay away from someone or something I cannot stand. If you don’t like soccer, you turn the channel. If you are offended by a certain video game, you don’t buy it. If a certain song offends you, change the fucking station. It is that damn simple.

Now some people will say that they should be safe from persecution at work. That is true. What is the easiest way to escape persecution? Get away from the persecutors. Slaves did it, the Jews did it (kinda), Tina Turner did it and so can you. You saw What’s Love Got To Do With It! Did Tina run and tell on Ike? Yes and no one believed her or cared because Tina couldn’t run from Ike! So what did she do? She decided to MAN UP and whoop on some Ike in a limo. I’m not saying that the offended should whoop on their oppressor in a limo but...that would be cool. To close this point, you should be safe at work without question. However, there comes a time when common sense must prevail. Either nip it in the bud or just let that shit go.

The fact people say that they are offended by something is one thing. I understand how words or actions can make people feel uncomfortable. However, at the same time there are things that make ME feel uncomfortable all the time and you know what I do? I ask the person not to do or say what is bothering me; I don’t make it out to be the next Roe vs. Wade (Wade in six rounds via TKO if I’m not mistaken). Besides, with some of the things I have said on this blog (white people are fucking lame, rape can be funny, Blacks are ignorant, women don’t deserve to vote, Japanese are perverts, Irish are drunkards, Catholics selective memory having assholes, etcetera) you know it takes a lot to offend me anyway but I am in the minority. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It’s funny because I’m black! It’s a double joke! Eh, screw it.

Besides, funny jokes are offensive. They just are! I’m not just talking about racial, gender or ethnic jokes! Jokes about underage girls? Funny! Jokes about midgets? Hilarious! Jokes about the Irish? Fuck, I would wager at LEAST 30% of the funny jokes are about the Irish! Then come the Blacks, then the gays, then Jesus. Jesus jokes are the funniest of all! Check this:

What did Jesus say when they when they were taking him off the cross?

Feet first! FEET FIRST!

That shit is FUNNY!

Even better, check this out:



Now I will admit, the first time I saw this I was offended. For like three seconds dude to the shock of it. Until I realized. It is an Asian family of indescribable origin (a term I COINED, thank you very much!) saying NI-GGA over and over again instead of…whatever Asian families of indescribable origin say. Those crazy Asians! Fun for the whole family! If your family rules, I mean.

In closing, I would like to quote of all people…Ah’nuld.

'Don’t be a party poopa!'

By taking all the fun out of the workplace, you know what you are left with? 7th Heaven. And aside from the uber-hot Jessica Biel, name one thing funny or good about that show. Nothing. Please don’t make the world like 7th Heaven. It should be more like Venture Brothers. The wrap up is that what is offensive is different for each person. If you were to punish everyone that said or did something that offended someone, the only person left unpunished would be…maybe Mandy Moore, everyone loves her. Oh, but I would punish HER if you get my drift! Oh, I think you do.

Well, that is all for now. Except for one thing. Call me crazy but Ugly Betty….

I’d hit that. Cue the squirrels!

See, that’s hella offensive, but funny as hell. Get over it, America. Funny is funny. Stay up, peeps and I will be back tomorrow for the Countdown and Sunday for The Chachi Awards!

Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.

They Kick Really High...

I’M BACK, BITCHES! All up in this piece! Random hip-hop sounding catchphrases! Yeah, enough of that. So I am here for a mid-week update because…I miss you guys. I can’t leave the peeps hanging until Fridays. And the Chachi’s are this Sunday, just in time for the NFC /AFC Championship Games! If it doesn’t snow too bad on Saturday, I am going to go to Denver to watch the game at ESPNZone. Great time to meet The Chachi and shower him with adoration and gifts. Or to give me your therapy bills because I have said some jacked up shit on this blog. Either way, its nice to meet a fan/enemy/stalker.

So I have a new favorite site, Egotastic. A lot of you probably already know about this site but I just found out because…well…I was looking for Jessica Biel pictures. Yeah, she’s my new Jessica Alba. Don’t even have to change my crazy ranting phrases because they share the same name. Niiiice. Check it out, celebrity bashing news all over the place. AND they have a thing for Olivia Munn, which is always refreshing.

So it is time for the latest installment of…

MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD DOA Presents: Dead or Alive The Movie!!

Today, I review a movie that many of you may have forgotten (or blocked out, I did) came out. Or did it? Dead or Alive, a movie based on the buxom-beauty filled fighting series was supposed to come out in August of 2006 but I never rememeber seeing it in any theater. Here is the trailer:

Yeah. That’s it. So through the magic of the internet and my own nerdiness (I was looking for a DOA save for my X-Box mod chip. It has a Lei Fang costume that looks like Wonder Woman…never mind) I found this movie last week. After a few days I was able to watch it and all I can say is….

WOW.

It was bad. I mean REEEEEAAAAL bad. Don’t get me wrong, Jamie Pressley has the whole ‘white trash hot’ thing going on like Reese Witherspoon (don’t even start, she is one PBR and another baby from being Britney Spears but I would WRECK THAT strong jawed woman) and Holly Valance was surprisingly hot as Christie. However, they cast Devon Aki as Kasumi which is WRONG because she isn’t bouncy enough. Or hot enough. Or a good actress. I mean I wasn’t expecting Pootie Tang levels of acting here but come the fuck on. At least TRY to make it sound believable. The sad part is the acting killed a pretty good martial arts movie. The fight scenes were either average (the final 4 on 1 fight scene), passable (Tina vs. Zack, who had his beard and hair DYED GREEN VERY POORLY. Great job with that, fucky) or downright HAWT (Helena vs.Christie. In bikinis. In a downpour. Great success). Not only that, it had Kevin Nash it to boot! Can’t beat having Big Daddy Cool in a movie. We all saw how good he was in The Punisher! Seriously, I liked that movie!

Long story short, this movie would disappoint even the most diehard of video game fans, even those of the series. Horrible casting, shitty dialog, a plot that comes out of nowhere and poor use of charactrers (Hayate, Leon, Bayman, Jahn Lee and Gen Fu are wasted while Helena is on fucking rollerskates. ROLLERSKATES, what is this Boogie Nights?! Oh, and Lei Fang was sorely underused. She is the hottest of the bunch IMHO. Look at her ending:)

Yeah, that’s good stuff right there. Either way, I can only recommend this movie to you if you are either a gamer that wants a good laugh or someone that has to see any movie with hot women doing martial arts (sans Devon Aki, I just don’t see the attraction). Don’t expect to be blown away Oh, this is the only good part of the movie. BEACH VOLLEYBALL!!

The sad part is that DOA Beach Volleyball was actually a good volleyball game! And you could play it with one hand. Not like I know or anything….SHUT UP! Wow…DOA vs. Rumble Roses. That may be the greatest idea ever. The sad part is I actually THOUGHT OF THAT OUT LOUD! God, I need a woman. Nah, then I will just ask her to dress up like Advent Children Tifa or Rikku from FFX-2 and it would just make things awkward. Anyway, The Chachi gives Dead or Alive…

5 Stars out of 10!!!
(Worth a look for the camp and eye candy alone, but don’t expect anything more. Like a plot or a good video game movie. Stick to Silent Hill or Doom)

Well, I am about to be out. I will be back on Friday for the Chachi Top 20 Countdown and don’t forget to vote for the Chachi’s this Sunday! The peeps votes count just as much as mine!

Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.

Oh, and Britney is reportedly about to pop out a third hellspawn. Good lord, is her vagina the gateway to hell?

250 POSTS, FOOL!!!

Ah, another milestone, peeps. 250th post today and dare I say it feels like the first time. Not really, but still. It has been fun to bring you the pointless joys of my life and give you my rantings and musings. Here is to like...seven more posts! AIM HIGH!!

It is also Friday which means it is time for the usual. Its time for the...

PASSION OF CHACHI TOP 20 VIDEO COUNTDOWN!!!

We begin this week with a song on the way out....

20. Pushim, RHYMESTER, HOME MADE KAZOKU, MABOROSHI, May J – I Say Yeah (Last Week #17)
It is a sad day. Cold outside (per the usual) and dammit, May J is on her way out with the crew!
19. Evanescence – Lithium (New Entry)

YES! MY GOD YES! Amy Lee is back! Bite me, I likes Amy Lee. Good to see the band have a new video after “Call Me When You Are Sober’ because that was a LOOOOONG time ago.
18. Halcali – Look (Last Week #20)
The young ladies of Halcali move up two spots this week. Thank you to the ladies at Jpop and Kpop for uploading this video for me! It’s a great site if you like PV’s. Now I have my Halcali fix and can live over the next few snowpacked days. Eveything is coming up Milhouse! Except for our next video…
17. John Legend – Save Room (Last Week #15, #1 for five weeks)
After the domination by John Legend over the last few months, John may be spending his last week on the Top 20 with this video. At least he still has ‘Heaven’ in the Top 10 and HOPEFULLY a new video soon!
16. Koda Kumi – Twinkle (Last Week #18)

Yeah, I like this song. I talk a lot of stuff about Ms. Koda but at the end of the day, I think she is quite alright. That and there is no half naked gyrating in this video. Suprisingly, I like clothes in my videos sometimes.
15. Nelly Furtado – Maneater (Last Week #13)
So the dominant lady of 2006 falls a bit with this song. Man, I have to say that the saucieness of Nelly in this video is quite nice. And her album kicks more ass than anyone can ever comprehend.
14. Justin Timberlake feat. T.I. – My Love (Last Week # 11)
Give me a new video, Justin. Soon these will become threats rather than suggestions. You have been fricking warned!
13. Nas – Hip Hop Is Dead (Last Week #14)
Nas creeps up another spot this week. So I was listening to some Nas yesterday and I realized something. I miss Az. He was actually (sometimes) pretty fucking good. Someone needs to bring this guy back. I could imagine him on a Kanye beat right now, and I like what I’m thinking.
12. UVERworld - Kimi no Suki na Uta (Last Week #9, #1 for four weeks)

ONE WEEK TILL THE NEW ALBUM. According to Wikipedia, anyway. I’m gonna go wait in line after this post.
11. T.I. feat Young Jeezy, Young Dro, Big Kuntry, & B.G. – Top Back (Remix) [Last Week #16, Biggest Mover]

I like my beat down low and my T.I. in the Top 10. Not quite there, but on his way. I’m sorry, I am just shocked that B.G. is still alive. My god, I really thought he died of a drug overdose or something. Glad to see him back and all, but it’s just eerie.
10. Omarion – Ice Box (Last Week #12)
Hell yeah! Any day now Omarion and Bi will be gracing us with the ultimate in dance videos. Like Thriller meets Footloose. Dare I say, the greatest video created. Until then, Omarion moves into the Top 10 after only three weeks.
9. Game – Let’s Ride (Last Week #5, Plunge of the Week)
Man, The Game cannot catch a break. This is his second straight video for The Game that peaks at #3. It’s a damn shame, I tells ya. A damn shame.
8. May J feat. VERBAL – Here We Go (Last Week #10)

Mmmmm. The hotness of May J cannot be stopped. If you cannot see why I think this woman is better than Kumi Koda then you are a FOOL. Look at that video and tell me that is not damn hawt. Oh, and she can sing. Beat that, Britney!
7. Yui – Rolling Star (Last Week #8)
Yui moves up a spot this week. I got some of her older Indie songs and they aren’t bad. Actually kind of a Lisa Loeb type vibe for her early stuff. And we all know how I feel about a woman in glasses. If you don’t, cue the PSP squirrels. They will tell you.
6. Bennie K – Joy Trip (Last Week #3, #1 for one week)
Yuki and Cico fall three more spots after taking the top spot from UVERworld a few weeks ago. Here is to hope for a new single and video soon. I needs my fix.
5. Young Jeezy – I Love It (Last Week #7)

Rap in the Top 5?! What the hell, man?! Yeah, Young Jeezy makes an attempt to take down the nets of the Chachi’s Top 20 Countdown as he enters the upper echelon. Does he have what it takes to do what Young Dro and The Game could not? We shall see!
4. John Legend – Heaven (Last Week #2, #1 for two weeks)
John Legend falls two more spots this week which means the Top Three has two first time members! Who are the new members of the Big Three?
3. RBD (Rebelde) – Ser o Parecer (Last Week #6)

Mi Corazon es en fuego! RBD takes their crack at supremacy hitting number three this week! And if Wikipedia is correct they are getting another show! Can this day GET any better. Minus the snow and all, I mean.
2. Rain (Bi) – I’m Coming (Last Week # 4)

Yes. YES IT CAN. Bi moves up to the runner up spot in an attempt to capture his first number one! This video is…how do you say…bad ass? But what video was…badass-ier? Is that a word? Meh, what can you do.
1. Nelly Furtado – Say It Right (Last Week #1, #1 for two weeks)

Now that Nelly has the top spot, how long will it take for her to let go? No one knows, but this video tops my chart for the second straight week. Love the video and LOVE the song.

That is all for this week peeps! Tune in next Friday to see if Nelly can hold on or if someone else can end her reign after two weeks!

I will be back soon with a MAJOR update. And I so mean major!

Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.

And The Nominees Are....Again.

Good morning, peeps! It has been a while AGAIN but I can't stay away for long. It was an eventful first half of the week with the ass-whooping that Florida laid on Ohio State on Monday. I wasnt shocked at the win or the score (I knew if OSU didnt get their shit together that Florida would run circles around them), I just hate Florida. It is a Georgia thing, I guess.

Well peeps, the time has come. I have talked about it and now it is time to DELIVA!! I give to you...

THE FINALIZED CHACHI AWARDS!!!

Yeah, you know it. And the nominess are....

Music

Male Artist of the Year (Domestic)

T.I.
Justin Timberlake
Daniel Powter
John Legend
Big Boi

Female Artist of the Year (Domestic)

Mary J. Blige
Nelly Furtado
Jojo
Shakira
Ciara

Group of the Year (Domestic)

All American Rejects
Evanesence
The Fray
Three Days Grace
Rascal Flatts

Male Artist of the Year (Forgien)

Bi (Rain)
Se7en
M-Flo
Ken Hirai

Female Artist of the Year (Forgien)

Kumi Koda
Hyori Lee
Bennie K
A.I.
BoA
Ayumi Hamasaki

Group of the Year (Forgien)

Flow
UVERworld
Beat Crusaders
Orange Range
HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR
Soul’d Out

Male Artist of the Year (Overall)

Bi (Rain)
T.I.
John Legend
Daniel Powter
Justin Timberlake

Female Artist of the Year (Overall)

Mary J. Blige
Kumi Koda
Shakira
Bennie K
Nelly Furtado

Group of the Year (Overall)

RBD (Rebelde)
UVERworld
The Fray
Evanesence
Flow
Rascal Flatts

Best New Artist (Overall)

Yui
Young Dro
May J.
Ne-Yo
Daniel Powter

Video/Song of the Year (Overall)

John Legend – Save Room
UVERworld - Chance
Shakira feat. Wyclef Jean – Hips Don’t Lie
T.I. – What You Know
M-Flo loves Emi Hinouchi and Ryohei – Summer Time Love
Daniel Powter – Bad Day

Movies

Best Male Performance

Jet Li – Fearless
Johnny Depp – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Aaron Eckart – Thank You For Smoking
Samuel L. Jackson – Snakes On A Plane
Allen Covert – Grandma’s Boy
Sacha Baron Cohen – Borat: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN

Best Female Performance

Kiera Knightly - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Kate Bosworth – Superman Returns
Rosario Dawson – Clerks II
Linda Cardellini – Grandma’s Boy
Kate Beckensale – Underworld: Evolution
Natalie Portman – V For Vendetta

Worst Movie of the Year

Nacho Libre
An Inconvenient Truth
Miami Vice
Saw III
The Omen
Jackass #2

Biggest Disappointment of the Year (Not Bad, Just Not Up To The Hype)

X-Men 3: United
Superman Returns
Talladega Nights
Ergon

Surprise of the Year (Movie I Expected To Suck That Kicked Ass)

Accepted
Cars
Silent Hill
Happy Feet
Little Miss Sunshine

Best Movie of the Year

Accepted
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Thank You For Smoking
Clerks II
Grandma’s Boy
Borat: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
Snakes On A Plane

People

First Annual Gackt Bishie of the Year (Hottest Male)

Johnny Depp (Quirky, but so fine Bishie)

Chris Leak (National Champion QB with the dreamy eyes Bishie)

Matthew McConaughey (Rugged Texan Bishie)

Bi (Rain) [K-Pop Superstar Bishie]

T.I. (ATL Thug Bishie)

Justin Timberlake (The Original Bishie)

First Annual Salma Hayek Hawt Tottie of the Year (Hottest Lady)

Shakira

Esther Baxter

Jessica Biel

Vida Guerra

Kelly Hu

Dulce Maria


You + Me = Jailtime! (Underage Lady That Needs To Stop Teasing Me! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!)

Jojo

Hayden Panettiere

Alyson Michalka

Hinoi Team


Sigh…I’d Hit That (Women I Wouldn’t Let Meet My Mom, But I’d SO WRECK THAT! After she passes an STD test)

Kumi Koda

Let’s face it; Kumi Koda is kind of a skank. I RARELY say that (hell, unless its Paris Hilton I have never said it) about women but c’mon. You saw what she did to the bottle, peeps. NOT COOL. Even still…with some penicillin…I’d hit that.

Christina Milian

She dated Nick Cannon. His assitude is contagious. Screw catching an STD, I might get N.I.C.K. by getting it one with her. Yet…she is just so nice. And pretty. BUT NICK CANNON! FUCK, THE QUANDRY THIS IS!!

Scarlett Johanssen

Anyone that has sex with Benicio Del Toro (in an ELEVATOR NO LESS if the rumors are true) has lice, crabs and psyphilAIDS Simplex GTO. Even still…she is quite nice. Happy times with Scarlett would be worth three shots a day and a cream, I guess.

Lindsay Lohan

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!! Alright…I know I have said some mean things about Lindsay since our break up (or restraining order, whatever you want to call it) and a lot of them were justified. I mean Wilmer Valderamma? N***a please. Even still, there is always a place in my heart for her after Mean Girls. And if she accepts, there is a place in my cupboard for several pills and creams because if I hit that I would need it.

Lo Pan Badass of the Year (Now no one can compare to Lo Pan in terms of badassitude, but these were the take no shit people of 2006)

Iron Man (Civil War)
I know he thinks he is doing the right thing with the Superhero Registration Act. However, the man cloned Thor, broke Captian America’s jaw and sent the Hulk into space. After years of being a drunkard in a suit Tony Stark is FINALLY becoming a badass.

Stephen Colbert (Colbert Report)
You have seen the show. If you haven’t…you are a moron. This show is awesome and he even picked up a guitar and challenged the Decemberists to a thrash off. Why? Because he is that fucking badass. Oh, and his gravitas is bigger than yours.

Superboy Prime (Infinite Crisis)
No words. Just go the Barnes and Noble or Borders and take a look at Infinite Crisis Issues 3,4,5. I’ll wait. You back? You see how many people this dude killed. ON ACCIDENT? Yeah, lake how he was locked in a box around a red sun, but he will be back. And he finally got rid of that shitty ass Superboy.

Samoa Joe (TNA)
Yeah, no words again. Look at this.

Nuff said.

And there you have it, peeps! Those are the nominees and your votes are recommended! I will have the presentation of The Chachi's on Sunday, January 21st! Tune in to the post!

Until then, stay up peeps! I will be back on Friday with the new Top 20 Countdown because the odds are we will get some snow all weekend. Damn El Nino. Anyway, until then...

Live, Laugh, Learn and Love