What is up peeps! The Chachi has a little bit of stress going on (those that know me know why) but he is getting along. There should be good news soon. As you know, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End comes out this Friday (HELLS YEAH!) and I go to Wicked on Thursday (FUCK YEAH!) so this is a pretty action packed week! Problem is I have $13.88 until I get paid. Dine and dash, baby! Too bad Rick’s idea for ‘Pay and Dash’ never took off; it was actually a pretty good idea.
So now it is time for a new segment of Passion of Chachi! This is something I call…
THAT’S FUNNY TO ME!
The place for news and stories that are funny to me and I couldn’t give a donkey fuck if anyone else finds it hilarious or not. Which isn’t different from usual but now it has a title. First off…
FUNNY TO ME: Akon Is An Old Ass African!
So I have been saying that much like LeBron James (BULLSHIT he is under 30) and Greg Oden (who was playing when there was no shot clock) there is no way Akon is how old he claims to be. Everywhere said he was 25, which would make him one of the fugliest 25 year old in the world. I’m 26 now, so I’m in a new unattractive bracket. Then I began to investigate. How could a man with three wives only be 25? He spent time in prison AND moved back and forth from America to Senegal. As I know from being friends with Mormons, polygamy is illegal in America so he had to do it in the second A-Town (The original A-Town is Athens, fool! Greece in the mother-fucking house!) of Africa. I figured he had to be AT LEAST 30, and that is being generous.
Well, boy was I off. It turns out that our friend Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam (I don’t care how racist it sounds. That shit is FUNNY! Sounds like a sound effect from Winslow from Police Academy!) is well past 30. Akon is reportedly 35 years old! Why is that funny to me? First off I can’t stand him. I always said that Keith Sweat should take him out because he is taking his style. Akon sucks, and I know I say that a lot but if you really listen to his words what the fuck does he bring? I mean they all can’t be Marvin Gaye or Curtis Mayfield (god…I sound old as hell) but at least try to not sound like an idiot. Between Akon, R.Kelly and T-Pain we can officially say that R&B is dead.
Second off, it puts his dry-hump-a-thon with the minor in a (sadly) hilarious new light. Now I am personally through with this story. Just charge him with some sort of impropriety with a minor and call it a day. As dumb as she was, she is still a minor and he is an adult. If simulating sexual acts with a minor is illegal in Trinidad then he should be charged and tried. The end. It goes back to my theory on minors:
“Everything you do to a minor is cool…as long as you pee on them”
Tell me I’m wrong. Is it a coincidence that R.Kelly’s album comes out the week before his trial? I think not, peeps. The simple fact is that Akon is no Robert Kelly…and that aint saying much. It is funny that he is lying about his age to acquire a younger audience, when Nolan and I are living proof that the older you are, the more the younger crowd wants you. And I am an asshole with NO money! Akon is (conceivably) rich AND has a Lamborghini Gallardo! He said so in a song so it must be true! Combine that with being older than R.Kelly (To which any woman that wants to even be close to that woman is a stupid whore and needs to be shot. He is a pedophile and a pisser. That is coming from someone with the Hinoi Team collection so you KNOW he has problems) and he doesn’t need to lie about his age! Girls going to the club in Trinidad do. Oh, snap! I SO went there!
FUNNY TO ME: Kids Getting Whooped In Public (AKA Giving Them ‘The Business’)
This will always be funny to me; I don’t care what anyone says. I am not old school, I am not a comedian and I am not an old black man quite yet. However, I do believe that their aint nothing an ass-whoopin’ can’t fix. I always say nothing makes a kid act right better than a right…followed by a LEFT. So when I see kids now acting like fools with their parents around (or more increasingly when they AREN’T around but that is a different rant) I expect them to lay down the law, or at least lay them down to the fullest extent of the law. I sure hope that kid catches a beatin’. THEN NOTHING HAPPENS! That kid throws a tantrum or cusses his/her parents a new one (when I heard that girl call her mother an ‘old bitch’ TO HER FACE at Park Meadows I almost kicked her ass myself) and all I can do is look in disgust.
Which is why when a kid gets the business for being a little shit…it is sweet. Now I don’t mean abuse. Abuse draws blood. Discipline draws respect for rules and regulations. Plus it puts the fear in that little bastard. Now, I have had the privilege to see beatings from their fruition and I sometimes just want to say ‘Kid, you are treading on ground zero!’ to help them out. But they got to learn. That kid must fight this battle. Well, not fight that gets the beat down worse.
So why is seeing a kid getting whooped on funny to me? First off because it IS NOT ME. I have been there…that shit aint fun. Especially when it wasn’t your fault. I learned to not show my ass (Not literally. It’s a figure of speech for acting like a damn fool) in public and it never happened again. You see, The Business (Oh yeah I just coined a phrase!) isn’t something that should be done all the time. Then it becomes abuse. It is like a Bankai, you use it because there is no other recourse in battle to defeat your opponent. The Business is for a kid that just aint acting right. It is the last form or discipline because it is the most severe. Should someone ever have to deliver The Business you know (in a perfect world of not horrible parents) that kid crossed the point of no return. Trust me, I have seen kids cross that line and man…they needed some discipline then because if they didn’t get it in some way shape or form, they were going to get it in prison. The health inspector doesn’t give the business in the joint, he/she doles out the HARSHNESS. And you know what I mean.
I know a lot of you are against child abuse and so am I. However, I am all about discipline. If there are rules and regulations and you break them, then you should be punished for those actions in a form that makes you sure that you will not break that rule again. The punishment should fit the crime; kids shouldn’t be given The Business for being kids. Whooping an 8 year old for running around like an 8 year old is ignorant. Whooping an 8 year old for setting something on fire or dressing like a 21 year old is just the right thing to do. I am not saying beat your kids but just punish them for being r-tards…and my entertainment. Or beat them with a bag of Valencia oranges. They don’t leave a mark and you have cool glass of OJ for the morning. I’m kidding for fucks’ sake.
Well, that is all for now. The Countdown will be up Friday and I will have my review of Pirates up odds are Sunday. It is starting with 10 stars and working down from there, just so you know. Two days till ‘Wicked’ fool!
Chachi Out
