Morning, peeps! Happy cold ass Sunday to you! Man, I love the middle to end of August. The leaves turn brown. The Air gets crisp and the wind gets brisk. Oh and MOTHERFUCKING FOOTBALL!!! Yeah, I do like gridiron battles. You know what else the end of August signals? The sad end of the summer blockbuster movie season. And this year had the good (Pirates 2, X-Men 3, Cars), the average (Superman Returns, Over The Hedge, The Ballad of Ricky Bobby) the bad (Miami Vice) and the fucking SHITTY (Nacho Libre, MI:III). However, usually at the middle or end of August there is a movie released each year that suprises us all. Last year it was Four Brothers and 40 Year Old Virgin. In 2004 it was Without A Paddle. This year, someone took to the theater to see this years sleeper August blockbusters. He is a brave man. His name is Master Chief Captain Chachi. So this Sunday I bring to you....
MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD: END OF SUMMER EDITION!!!
Well, this weekend I spent my Saturday at the movies checking out two new releases: Snakes on a Plane and Accepted. First...
SNAKES ON A PLANE
This movie had craptastic written all over it. There was almost no result except for failure because it sounded so horrible. Yet, all the word of mouth I heard on Friday was that it was fucking awesome. So I decided to pick up a ticket and head over to the theater (since Ted was being a BITCH I had to go by myself, which wasnt all that bad actually) to check it out. First off about this movie: it is fucking hilarious. Sammy J. had the quips and even my doppleganger had some lines. The ways that the passengers died were awesome if not downright nasty (something about getting bitten in the eye or eaten whole by a Boa Constrictor is just...fucking SCARY) and current horror movies should take note. Name the last REAL scary movie and I will guarantee that the death scenes were HALF as scary as they were here.
Oh, and in a real shocker, the characters weren't just snake fodder. Yes the characters are typecast (the rich dumb girl, the snooty British guy, the gay flight attendent, the Thai kickboxer) but the most part they have personality. Also, it was nice to see Flex again after Homeboys In Outer Space and The Michael Jackson Story. He picked himself up very well. Anyway, each character had a chance to shine and there was actual interaction (a lost art in movies now days) and plot development. Which lets face it, no one was expecting seeing as how the PLOT was given away by the title i.e. Titanic.
Also, the snakes KICKED ASS! We all know CGI snakes are scary, but now I have to say that more horror movies need them. Very few things are scarier than a snake (if they EVER find a way to splice bear and snake genes...may Buddha help us ALL because we are FUUUU-UCKED) and this movie proved it. They came from all directions and man could those motherfuckers KILL. I mean damn, snakes are the new zombies. About the same speed but twice as deadly and smarter. Snakes bit everything (yes, a dude got bit in the wang. NOT COOL but funny as hell) and people in the audience did the 'Jump, Scream, Laugh' that you see in the Living Dead series. The snakes made it scary and the death scenes were well done and funny as hell (some were over the top, but its a horror/comedy so its expected. Think 'Shaun of the Dead' with more 'motherfuckers!' in it).
Lastly, there was Samuel L. Jackson. Say what you will about that man being the same character actor in every role. So was John Fucking Wayne and every other actor out there sans Johnny Depp, Sidney Portier and pre-butter blood Marlon Brando. Get over it, no one fucking acts anymore so those of you say he is a one trick pony probably think Tom Cruise deserved an Oscar for The Last Samurai and you need to be mercy killed because if we dont do it now you will fucking reproduce and then I will have to kill YOU AND YOUR KID and I don't want to kill kids. They are the innocent. Anyway with that out of the way Sammy J gave a great performance and actually didnt even carry the movie. He played second fiddle to the snakes and action which is what any good action star does (you listening, Rock and Vin Diesel? It really ISNT rocket science let the action speak for itself, not you. That is why Keanu Reeves is one of the biggest action stars of all time and couldnt act like he was breathing. He knows when to SHUT THE FUCK UP). Quite simply, Samuel L was Samuel L but didn't overshadow the movie like Godzilla and King Kong did by creating an underwhelming star. He was just right.
So you can guess what this movie gets. Lets break it down:
A snake biting a woman on the tit? CHECK
A snake biting a man on his wang? CHECK
A snake biting someone in the ass? CHECK
Wanton violence against a small dog? CHECK
Wanton cursing by Samuel L. Jackson? CHECK
An anaconda or boa without Ice Cube or Jennifer Lopez there to poorly act? CHECK
An asian gangster going pinata on some white dude? CHECK
No Colin Ferrel? CHECK
I'M SICK OF THESE MOTHER FUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHER FUCKING PLANE!! CHECK
A kickass ending theme song a la Shaft and Howard the Duck CHECK
Well, that is enough for me. This movie gets...
TEN MOTHER FUCKING STARS OUT OF TEN MOTHERFUCKING STARS!
Next on the docket was....
ACCEPTED
Well, this weekend was a double header. After Snakes on a Plane, the crew and I went to see Accepted, a college movie that looked like it would be okay and worth the Fandago gift bucks I got for doing that survey about X-Men 3. Long story short the movie is about a student (Bartelbey) that reminds me of myself in high school. Too smart for my own good so didnt try as hard, got above average (but not stellar) grades and was seen as a slacker because I wouldnt conform and become the drone that regurgitates the bullshit I was taugh. Power to the students bitches! Anyway, he creates a fake college to get his parents off his back but others apply and get accepted, hence the title.
Well, this movie was FUNNY AS HELL. It had the Apple dude (who after this and Dodgeball I dont want to murder) and the big guy from Grandma's Boy (who stole the movie because he was fucking HILARIOUS) and they really made a great team. Bartelby reminded me of a young Mahoney from Police Academy, just cool calm and collective. The plot of student creating their own class to stimulate their learning was pretty good and led to a lot of comedy. There was the stuffy dean at Harmon and of course the stuck up preppy prick (who got slacker served so much it was pathetic) which every college movie must have. It was formulaic to a point, though and that was the only problem with the movie.
The best part of the movie was the message. The fact that higher education should be that: education. Education isnt confined in a little box of cliff point knowledge that you just stuff into a graduate in and ship them out to some company to be a drone for. Education is stimulation, not limitation. When you limit someone and all but force them to learn from preset boxes, you arent LEARNING anything. Learning about about finding out about yourself and what you want to be and achieve and basing a scholastic curriculum off of that. Otherwords, you are wasting your educations. Man, I was ahead of my time because that rant at the end is the same rant I had every day in a class that I didnt study for the test in. Anyway, the message of this movie although I am not big on messages is a great one. Knowledge is the freedom to learn.
Everything in order, this movie was funny if you went to college in the 2000's and still know high schoolers that are STILL having that bullshit about how college prepares you for the real world shoved down their throats like geese only wanted for their livers. It has a great message and is funny in getting there, not preachy like The Perfect Score was (but that movie sucked overallanyway so THERE). There was something funny going on at all points and had the most awkward introduction statement ever (You're dating Monica. I think about her when I mast...er...bate. I didnt mean to saaay thaaat...) which I was laughing about STILL this morning. Overall, the movie was great if you are into the high school/early college comedy genre like Can't Hardly Wait. It also has Lewis Black and you can't beat that because his rants were all dead on, especially about college being bullshit for getting a good job because having a degree means JACK SHIT. Give this movie a shot, it's funny and has a great message about acceptance and belonging. You see, sometimes teen movies CAN be Shakespeare. Accepted gets...
9.5 out of 10 stars, which equals to about a 3.97 GPA.
So I was truly excited about getting the new FFVII side story, Dirge of Cerebrus with Vincent as the star. Especially with Gackt in the English commercial. About time J-Rock came over here because Redemption KICKS ASS. Yet, all I have heard is bad about this game. As someone who doesnt have the cash to buy video games that may or may not suck anymore, I need the peeps input. Any one know if this game sucks or not? Let me know.
So Rebelde is still the greatest show on TV. I have been checking out clips here and there and much like Zach and Nolan making up my own dialog. I know very little spanish, so I just wing it. With scenes like this, who needs dialog?
Mmm...man I am going to hell and I likes it. What can I say, this show kicks ass.
Well, I'm gonna hop in the shower and head out for a bit. I will try to be back tomorrow morning. Until, here is some Kumi Koda for the male demographic. Oh yeah, she's quite nice.
Shake it up, indeed. Stay up, peeps.
Live, Laugh and Love.
