Last One, I Promise! Tomorrow's Post Will Be About Boobies!

Okay, so I am back on the scene with a cupful of lean. That is cough syrup for you know knowers. Big ups to Pimp-C. STOP LEANIN! So the search is going well as I have a booked week. Totally trying to avoid staying where I am at unless TOTALLY necessary because morale is low but that is everywhere except Diddy’s house. That place must be like Disneyland filled with fly honeys. That will be the last of that for a while. Updates will be given as needed.

So on Saturday (I think) I ranted about the signs of a bro. Well, on Sunday Joey Joe Joe and I went to Castle Rock (Where I bought a BALLIN ASS LEATHER JACKET for only $99. Pretty good price for fat mans’ sizes) and Dave & Buster’s (Or as Zach calls it “The Haven of Pinkeye”) and I swear to FUCKING GOD that about 70% of white males ages 16-34 are bros. Now that is skewed by the 20-28 age range but still: all white dudes have the same fucking haircut, the same fucking clothing and the same STUNTED ASS VOCABULARY! I fucking swear that people get dumber every year. We are three years away from regressing back to grunts and screams. I totally hate people right now.

There was a shocking trend that I saw at the Park Meadows Mall, too. Joe commented how all the females were there with bros which is normal because that’s what the norm is and women embrace the norm when it comes to dating men for the most part because that is what is acceptable. However, the awkward part is how all pissed the females looked as the bros spent all their time talking and flirting with…each other. Now as one who hates ALL PEOPLE I rarely care about your problems unless they overlap with mine as a friend. So unless your issue is caring about a woman too much or chronic masturbation we really can’t relate about much so odds are I am listening to you none and caring even less. So Griff, I don’t CARE if she doesn’t call so QUIT TELLING ME ABOUT IT….jackass.

So after noticing how bros are so detached from their girlfriends to the point that they complain and leave them (Which I have seen) and yet they go out and find….another bro. To which I believe that I have come across a scientific breakthrough. Since I stay droppin that knowledge on the peeps it is time for a double dip, mother-bitches! I am giving you TWO POSTS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! Yes, you know you love it. So now, for part one of two for the….second part of my initial post. Yeah, I am just as confused as you are. First, I give you….

Chachi’s Five Reasons Why!

Today’s Topic: Five Reasons Why….Women Date Bros.

Okay, get the GameCube and the scotch! Wish me luck!

Reason #1: Women Date Bros Because….It Is A Safe Pick.

Now this is a double reason. I have proven in previous posts that women are the new bros for emotional reasons but one I missed was fashion. Bros all dress the same. They shop at the same stores and wear the same styles. Trucker hat, vintage tee, cargo shorts and sandals. That is it. Go to the mall right now and tell me how many you see. A LOT. The simple fact is that the style that they have is lazy and counter-fashion. Which makes it fashionable because people are stupid that way. Since they all look the same and the bro look is in like the Wii, a woman dating a bro doesn’t make her look petty for dating for money or looks because they all look the same. Also, since all bros have the same mind set (Which is beer, bitches and bros before hoes) she knows what she is dealing with and therefore ends up being smarter than her counterpart. Tying it all together, dating a bro for a woman is like drafting a good left tackle or a great pursuit linebacker. You know exactly what you are getting and no one will make any judgments about your pick because everyone needs a great offensive tackle or a versatile linebacker.

Final Analysis: Dating bros is safe socially because since they are all the same, you really never take a logical chance. If there is one thing women DON’T do, it is take logical chances.

Reason #2: Women Date Bros Because….They Make Them Feel Smart.

Now it was weird when I came to this realization for the main reason that most bros are college aged and usually college grads (Frat Squid Pro Bro!). However, have you ever had a conversation with a bro? They are reciters (Not a word, but still). They recite whatever their idols tell them. So when your idols are based off of:

• Dane Cook (HE ISNT FUCKING FUNNY. Let it go)
• Dave Matthews (And I don’t really know what he stands for. But I am sure it sucks)
• Bono (Which automatically makes you a fucktard because he is the biggest douche to walk the face of the earth not named Hitler or Jesus)
• Family Guy (It WAS funny. Like three seasons ago)
• Colin Farrell (Yeah, we are about done here. Fuck the Irish!)

You aren’t exactly a Rhodes Scholar. Hell, you aren’t even good enough to get into Pepperdine. Therefore, most bros aren’t exactly great conversation pieces because they recite what they hear because most of them don’t have the mental capacity to understand anything past five letter words. Now let us take women into this equation. In a rant I believe I said it best: if women were as smart as they think they are, why aren’t there more female rhetors or inventors? Not to say that there are NONE, but they are few and far between. I have learned in my days that most women are not really good conversation pieces unless it is what they want to talk about, what they know (or think they know) or about themselves. Bros have no idea what to talk about because they are stupid. They don’t know anything unless it is drilled into their head violently and ad nausem (hence the popularity of Dane Cook. See, he serves a purpose! He teaches the stupid!) which women do CONSTANTLY no matter how wrong they are because that is how they argue. Lastly, bros will say whatever is necessary to get a woman into bed not because they are smart enough to know that but because they AREN’T smart enough to say something that makes sense to a woman when she tells him about her tattoos or her views on her sexuality (Like….the fucking truth). Add all of that up and you have a being that isn’t a threat to their perceived dominance over a relationship. When a woman doesn’t have to have conversation with someone that has any relevance whatsoever and can instead play to her strengths, they feel more comfortable. Quite simply, it’s like why pretty girls have ugly friends: it makes them look better.

Final Analysis: The more women feel like they are the smarter party, the better they feel about themselves. It’s the “Tallest Smurf” Theory: Even though you are the tallest Smurf, you are still a fucking Smurf. Even still, bros aren’t a bright bunch and women like to feel smart.

Reason #3: Women Date Bros Because….Bros Before Hoes!

Now this became the most counter-intuitive reason to date someone after I had a female friend explain this to me last year. You see, no matter WHAT a woman says, they have to be the center of attention. They are bred since birth to either sit back and be docile (which is bad) or always be at the forefront because you are woman and we should hear them roar (also bad). So in a relationship women need to be the focal point of the dynamic because SHE has the vagina and YOU are dating HER, not the other way around. From Valentine’s Day to lying about the fact she isn’t dressed like a whore (Old wounds, I know), the world is supposed to be about her. You know what? That is okay. Nothing wrong with wanting attention. However, my female friend explained to me that her brofriend (Heh, I am surprised I never used that before) spent the majority of his time with his friends. Now THIS is something that confused the hell out of me until I began to people watch more often. I would often see a bro with his friends (Because bros need the support of their homies because they are the new chick) while his girlfriend was walking a few feet behind them, totally detached from the conversation. Now I was told by another female friend in college that her boyfriend hanging with his bros left time for her to hang with her “girls” but in the SAME sentence she would complain about how he never spent any time with her and never listened because he was never around. Now as messed up as it sounds, it actually makes perfect sense. This not only gives them the ability to have drama to talk about when she goes out with her friends (Drama is like energon to females) but it gives her the ability to have drama with HIM about his actions. It is what we in the business call a “win-win”

Final Analysis: Since bros are just as self-absorbed as women are, they make for perfect catalysts for their own self-serving needs to be drama queens. Sometimes, being selfish is being self-less! Just like Jesus, minus the self-righteous rhetoric. And he had sandals!

Reason #4: Women Date Bros Because….They Are Fashion Misfits!

Now I am no fashion guru but hear me out on this one. We all know that women have the poorest fashion sense on the face of the fucking planet. Think I am wrong? Explain Grace Jones and Bjork. Go ahead, I’ll wait. See? You got nothing. You ever noticed how the women’s clothing and shoe section is about four to five times the size of the men’s section? Yet, have you noticed how often you see women dressed in the EXACT SAME shoes or outfit? In Denver, I see it quite often. Women’s fashion is based around either how much they can show off or how much they can alter their bodies to fit the generic vision of beauty. Which means that no matter how “different” their style CLAIMS to be, they still look just like the next girl. Which is why a woman’s’ wardrobe will consist of either shit that is too tight for them or shit that is just a little too tight for them. It’s about feigned individuality that is based in conformity. Since women embrace that, they embrace those that follow that.

Let’s go back to bros. I stated before that all bro fashion consists of the same stuff, no matter who they are:

• Cargo shorts/Cargo pants: I have said it once and I will say it again: unless you are on a fucking safari, cargo pants are gay. PERIOD.
• Sandals: They are gay. I mean they serve their purpose on the beach but you live in Colo-fucking-rado. Wear some fucking shoes.
• Trucker hats: You know, a co-worker of mine used to be a trucker and has a brother who is a trucker. Even THEY didn’t wear trucker hats. They aren’t trucker hats, they are dumb fucker hats. Man, I am surprised I never used that before.
• Vintage tees: And by vintage I mean from the 1980’s. Or shirts with Che Guerra on them which just reeks of social activism they know nothing the fuck about. What is with the Castro style shirts? Isn’t supporting a dictator….un-American? No Bush jokes because I don’t give a fuck about his sorry ass.
• Lifeguard shirts/hoodies: Okay, new rule. Unless you are a lifeguard…no wearing lifeguard paraphernalia. You are officially wearing a lifeguard uniform. If you are a lifeguard, more power to you. If not, from now on if you are dressed a certain way, you ARE a certain way. No questions asked


In other words, bro fashion is hella tacky. It is hippie-chic (Patent Pending, fuckers) and since hippies suck, those that copy hippies REALLY SUCK. Bros dress horrible but since people are stupid it is seen as fashionable. Add that with the fact that women’s fashion has gone downhill fast since gay men no longer design the clothes for them and you see why women date bros: they totally outshine them in the fashion department. You have observed them in public. When comparing the two, a woman easily looks better than her significant other in the fashion department because bro fashion is HORRIBLE while women’s fashion is just tacky. Tacky can be fixed with a actually matching color scheme and getting a size that fits (Wow…just like niggas. They need their clothes tighter, women need their clothes bigger. I am a genius!). Bros are easy to buy for because all you have to do is get them some Crocs and they are happy.

Final Analysis: Bros aren’t going to outshine their women, and as we all know, women have to be the Shawn Michaels to their boyfriends’ Marty Janetty. Yes, I just made a wrestling reference in context. I am on a ROLL, BABY!

Reason #5: Women Date Bros Because….It Is The Norm, For Better Or For Worse.

Now this took a lot of people watching and a LOT of uncomfortable question asking which actually gave me a better understanding of this and this leads into my next rant (Up hopefully tomorrow depending on how everything goes). I am not a professional by any means but in my experience and research, I have learned that there is a large community of women that do not thrive with the unfamiliar. I have seen time and time again women date the same kind of men and expect something different but at the end of the day after talking to them about it…they don’t expect or WANT something different. If your life has always been filled with drama, you expect it and if you don’t get it you either create it or seek it elsewhere. You can be rest assured that by nature bros are down for drama. Whether it is getting drunk and starting fights (Usually about them NOT being gay but FLAMING GAY) or neglecting her by broing out with the bros, they feed the need for some (Read: SOME) women and their need for drama. Even if the experience is bad, if there is familiarity with dating or showing interest in a certain kind of person one will migrate to that whether healthy or not. With that familiarity comes the acceptance of that behavior and even the treatment, whether it be good or bad. Since whenever I see white people whether it be on TV or in real life all males are bros (Sans Black dudes….which is another rant altogether) if a woman deviates from the norm that is set it causes to question their actions and take notice….and not on her terms. Which is a no-no.

Final Analysis: Women like consistency. Bros are as consistent as they come, if not unoriginal. Gotta stick with what you know.

Well, that is all for this post. Part two will be up MAYBE tomorrow. I am horrible at this schedule thing but I will try my best to keep to it. This blog will be the last about bros for a while, as I have given them way too much time these last few days. I will be back soon. Until then, stay up and read the archives. There are some gems in there.

Chachi Out

Some New Information Has Come To Light, Man!

Okay, the blog is about a day late. Went to D&B's and had a shitload of emotional unloading that I cant do with other friends. YES, I have friends! A friend....more like a parole officer but we talk everyday! I have started it and the blog will be up tonight or tomorrow morning, so quit yer bitchin!

Besides, I have the most awesome ringtone ever: "CHU-BURA" by Kelun. The song wont be on Bleach until (Supposedly) episode 168 which pisses me of to no fucking end but hey, now when you call me (Unless you are Griff or Zach who have DJ Quik and Ling Ling's Fight Song respectivly) I will hear this:

So if it takes a while to answer, you know why. I'm J-rocking out.

Peace out.