What is up, peeps! I am back on the scene after a hiatus and despite the crapitude that was last week I am back up and ready to drop another post. Still ready to get out, but now I am not as pissed.
First things first: The #1 Ladies Detective Agency is fucking awesome. Two episodes in and I am rather hooked. I mean it has:
• Africans: It is based in Botswana which oddly enough DOES look like New Mexico but it IS filmed at least mostly in Africa because aint that many Black people in Albuquerque> I’ve been…and there are six.
• Jill Scott: And yo thick, fine self. It would be like Gojira vs. Juggernaught, but man I would wreck that like Angel Grove the episode before the Power Rangers get new Zords.
Anyone remember Ninjor? HE WAS SO GAY!
• A Black Child Named Wellington: Someone at work put it best. There are some names of children that just MEANS they will grow up to be a badass. Coletrain Washington is one. Wellington is another. That kid is going to smash heads like the Hulk.
• Gay Africans: Every show needs a gay hair dresser and damn it, this one is no different. As one who has dressed hair (I’m fierce, bitches!) I must say it doesn’t MEAN you are gay but all signs point to yes. Except for me, I’m a man boy. Check out this bandana! It’s festive! I mean…yeah, festive. *Sigh* I stay straight until Zac Efron comes out. Then we can be happy. I FUCKING KID!
• Kick Ass Soundtrack: Not since the soundtrack for 90210 came out have I been this pumped up about music on a TV show:
I love that song still. Anyway, African music (Behind J-Pop, K-Pop and Indian) has been one of my global pleasures while driving. Once the soundtrack for this show comes out I will be the first person to buy it.
Add in the fact that I haven’t seen a single White person yet and you have the best show on TV! Don’t get me wrong, White people. You are the White light in my Black life and you smell like oatmeal raisin cookies and lavender. However in a show about Africans, I have no desire to see your pale asses anywhere. It is like watching “Dukes of Hazzard” or “Newhart” and seeing Black people. You know it is!
Anyway, now that I have offended all of my readership except for Asians and Guatemalans, let us wrap this up, shall we? It is time for installment five of…like….seventy of:
101 Things That Piss Me Off!
We are now in the 70’s! Get down tonight!
79. ABC: Let me get this straight, American Broadcasting Company. You cancel “Pushing Daisies” and (supposedly) “Better Off Ted” and almost drop “Scrubs” after one season yet you keep on shit like “Lost” and “Dancing With The Stars?” Really? I think this is more a reflection on the dumbification of America as a whole but man, your network fucking sucks. And get rid of “Desperate Housewives” so Eva Longoria can go somewhere and die, already! I hate that bitch.
78. Clear Heels: You know, we all know that stripper wear them, and that is cool. But the influx of women in the general population wearing them is like regular people wearing purple hats with feathers in them. Some things belong to the uniform and if you wear it then you are one. There, I said it. You wear clear heels then you are a stripper. Odds are, poorly paid compared to the real ones.
77. John Madden: I so fucking hate you. Aside from the fact that your game has been the same game for the last 15 fucking years or so but you are the most idiotic man on TV since Sinbad. I mean after “First Kid” Sinbad. That’s when he was funny. Dudes be like zombies at the mall! Priceless!
76. Twitter: No one gives a fuck about you. No one. You aren’t any more special than the homeless dude that just pissed his pants and I am sure he has better insight on the world than you do…because he is fucking nuts. You, on the other hand are a fucking douche.
75. Nick Cannon: Yeah, I thought he would be higher, too. I guess that after a while the hatred goes away. That and “Love Don’t Cost A Thing” wasn’t THAT bad. Okay, it was but with Christina Milian and Melissa Schuman in it…I’m okay with that.
74. Tony Yayo: What the fuck? This guy is garbage. It is proof that niggas are dumb and they stick together. If you like Tony Yayo you need to be shot in the balls because all you will do is make more ignorant ass niggas which means I have to hear “So Seductive” blaring out of your fucking Caprice.
73. Bunnies: Another pet that isn’t a pet. There is a reason there is a book of ways to kill the little bastards: because they are fucking worthless. I have seen freckles with more purpose than a bunny.
72. Florida Gators: You know, I think it is more that I hate Steve Spurrier than hating the Florida Gators. As a Georgia native I think it is the law to hate them (Got my handbook in 1997. Also said I have to hate Lynard Skynard because they are from Alabama but they already suck ass so I didn’t need a book to tell me that shit. GET SOME!) but I will say that Tim Tebow is in good need of an ass kicking. I hate players that thank god for their abilities when it is SCIENCE that gives you the proteins and hormones you jack up with. That and the BCS being slanted to the SEC and Big-12 but that is later on.
71. Blu-Ray Porn: Let me understand this. You want me to pay $20 more for porn that shows the IMPERPECTIONS of my favorite pornstars? Hells no! I try to avoid the fact that Jasmine Byrne’s or Asa Akira’s vagina looks like it was ransacked by the Horde in Halo Wars. I don’t need it in 1080p resolution. Crazy High Definition is making my penis soft!
70. Lossless Files: Okay, I see no reason to have Yuna Ito’s “Trust You” be a 21mb file. I love that song to the end of time but I also like my hard drive space, at least until I can get a terabyte in which I will have 3 and the world of internet porn will BE IN MY HAND! Don’t worry, I washed it. Anyway, unless you are a music producer or a professional music pirate, just give it to us in 192kbs. Thanks…jackass.
That is all for today! I will be back up this week at least once to get to the 50’s and next week I may do one a day until next Sunday to have the Top 10, which I will break down into two posts. Hope to be at number one by the third week of June. Until then, stay up peeps I got one word for you: HYDRAULICS!
UNGH! Man, this song may be the greatest song to dance to since “Centipede” by Rebbie Jackson! Yeah, that’s pretty damn old school. I am out.
Chachi Out
