What The Fuck Is A Wazzle?!

Hey, ya’ll! It is a cold fucking wintery day in Colorado which means my black ass aint going nowhere. I am going to get some tea, watch the Falcons play the Chargers and keep warm in enjoyment of having Monday off. Also, I will be getting my Blackberry Storm on Monday which means I FINALLY GET RID OF THIS SHITBALL PHONE and odds are…get stuck with another shitball phone. Hopefully the Storm will do me right like my T720 did. That thing fell off the balcony at the UCCS dorms and STILL worked. I looked at the eNV wrong and the cockmonger wouldn’t charge. I don’t want to be all “back in my day” but back in my day, SHIT FUCKING WORKED! My Nintendo never had the red ring of death! The red ring of death was something you created to try and destroy that invincible motherfucker after it would lock up on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles against Shredder! Remember the old X-Box? That was the last real tough system. Screw giving the troops armor and weapons, give them all the original X-Box units Microsoft didn’t sell! And use those fucking controllers as bombs! Hiroshima and Nagasaki aint got SHIT on the damage an Xbox controller would do to Afghanistan! Wipe out Osama Bin Laden AND play Ninja Gaiden? That’s what I am talking about! Although finding Bin Laden is a hell of a lot easier than beating Ninja Gaiden for the Xbox. I’m just saying.

So Thanksgiving has come and gone which means it is about the time for the biggest holiday in this country not involving fireworks or drunken Jewish sex. Yom Kippur is some CRAZY times. I kid, I kid. I meant drunken IRISH sex. Either way, Christmastime is here! Time to celebrate the day where Santa saved us from the tyranny of the Cinco Easter Bunnies and their Zombie Leprechaun minions! Or something like that, I kind of zoned in and out when that drunken guy on the 16th Street Mall told me the story. He was wise beyond his drunken, homeless years. With Christmas here, that means that there are five things that will come with the holiday season that I hate:

1. Jesus: I have said it once and I will say it again. All signs point to Jesus not being born in December. Well, I guess seeing as how Jesus Christ is an amalgam of a bunch of other dudes which would make him a FICTIONAL CHARACTER…his birthday can be whenever he wants it to be. He better change that shit, preferably to around Easter or maybe Cinco De Mayo. Mexicans are Catholics and it gives them more reason to drink Coronas and listen to “El Tigre De Norte” on their front lawns. Like they need a reason. Racism, peeps. It’s hilarious!
2. Christmas Carols: Well, the ones about Santa are OKAY but I could do without “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” at all. It means either mommy is a whore or daddy likes to role play which is one step away from being a furfag and YIFFING HAS NO PLACE IN THE HOLIDAY SEASON. I swear, if people dress like fucking reindeers and “jingle the bells” I will fucking KILL YOU. Anyway, Christmas songs about Jebus are LAME. The only good Christmas carol is “Last Christmas” by Wham. Because last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day…you gave it away:

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas: Okay, I know I should not hate this seeing as how all the other Peanuts Gang specials I totally love. Even their little remembered “I Had To Have An Abortion, Charlie Brown!” and “You Have A Restraining Order Against You, Charlie Brown!” which were like afterschool specials meet George Gershwin. I know a lot of you don’t get that joke and quite honestly…neither do I. Gotta know your audience. However, I haven’t liked the Charlie Brown Christmas special since I saw this:

I mean, how can you top Franklin and Sally cutting it loose to Andre 3000?! You can’t! This video has officially ruined me from Christmas specials! As a matter of fact, I haven’t really been a fan of any Christmas Specials except of course The Fresh Prince of Bel Air Christmas Special. It had Young MC on it!
4. Candy Canes: Is it just me, or are candy canes just oversized and overpriced starlight mints? I mean they taste good in hot cocoa but aside from that they are worthless. They are nasty as hell and are always given out for free for a reason: they suck.
5. Parking: I hate the fact that during the holidays I can’t ever go anywhere and find a place to fucking park. I will never forget how last year a lady tried to box me in at the Chapel Hills Mall by parking BEHIND ME in front of Borders. Needless to say, I was pissed. But it is like that EVERYWHERE, even when you want to make a quick stop for something. You would figure that people would be more open to shopping online seeing as how they search for deviant porn without a concern of getting V&. Yet, they fear shopping online. Stupidity never ceases.

Aside from that, I am looking forward to this year’s Christmas time. I could do without the Jesus or the cheesiness of the season but you have to look past that if you want to enjoy it. I also may see “A Christmas Carol” this year if anyone is interested in going with me. If not, eat a dick. I am about to brave the elements and get myself something for my still aching throat (I TOTALLY shouldn’t have sang on Friday). I will try to be back up on Monday for a review of my new phone and if not tomorrow then definitely Friday. Until then, stay up peeps!

Chachi Out

Screw Leftovers, I Got NEW STUFFING FOR YA'LL!

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! But don’t gorge on the leftovers just yet! I got twenty piping hot new videos for you to put on the plate! It is time for the….

Passion of Chachi Top 20 Video Countdown!

First, let us say goodbye to the videos Falling Out:

John Legend feat Andre 3000 – Green Light (Peaked at #1 for One Week)
Big Bang – Number 1 (Peaked at #14)

Well, John better give me some new shit and Big Bang already answered my request so expect to see them back. Let’s get started with my baby boo looking to fall off!

20. Yuna Ito – Miss You (Last Week #16)
Yuna Ito looks to be spending her final week on the Countdown this week.
19. RSP with DA BUBBLE GUM BROTHERS – LA.LA.LA LOVE SONG (New Entry)

One of the best covers of the TK classic ever! Add in the legendary BUBBLE GUM BROTHERS and you have a kick ass remake! RSP has been lingering on my radar for a while and this one finally gets my full attention!
18. UVERworld – Koishikute (Last Week #14)
UVERworld falls four spots this week as we begin the stretch run for the Chachi Music Awards. Can they get an album out before the cut off?
17. Young Jeezy – Crazy World (New Entry)

Jeezy is finally back to follow up “Put On!” This song has grown on me and the video feels like a sequel to Put On so I am cool with it.
16. Hyori Lee – Hey Mr. Big! (Last Week #12)
Miss Hyori falls four more spots this week as I haven’t seen much new from her so she may just be doing promo now.
15. Ikimonogakari – Kimagure Romanteikku (Last Week #20)
I. LOVE. THIS. SONG! Catchy as hell and you gottal love the RPG style video!
14. Alicia Keys - Superwoman (Last Week #11)
Alicia falls three spots as we move on. I wonder what she will do in 2009? Lay low?
13. Paramore – Decode (Last Week #18)
God, I refuse to see “Twilight” but I love this song and video. That and I love Hayley but that is to be expected.
12. T.I. – What Up, What’s Happening (Last Week #9)

The King falls from the Top 10 with this one. Can I just say about the dipshittery at the Dirty Awards: WHY WOULD YOU FUCK WITH ALFAMEGA?! I mean, I’ve seen pit bulls that smile more!
11. Hearts Grow – Sora (Last Week #7, Three Weeks at #1)
Hearts Grow falls from the Top 10 for the first time in almost three months! Could they pull the upset for the biggest video of 2009 on the Year End Countdown Extravaganza?
10. UVERworld – Hakanaku mo Towa no Kanashi (Last Week #13)
The World is back again! They move up three spots and back into the Top 10 for the third time this year! Is the streak finally over?
9. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Remember (Last Week #6)
After peaking outside the Top Five last week, HAMC falls three spots this week. Is this the last time we will ever see them?
8. Halcali – LONG KISS GOODBYE (Last Week #15, Biggest Mover)

Halcali isn’t messing around! They move up a huge SEVEN SPOTS this week and back into the Top Ten for the first time since “Look” in 2006! This will be a ringtone once my Blackberry Storm gets here, btw.
7. Wonder Girls - Nobody (Last Week #4, One Week at #1)
The Wonder Girls fall another three spots this week after pretty much dominating the fall season. Will we get something new from them soon?
6. Kanye West – Love Lockdown (Last Week #3, Two Weeks at #1)
So with a new hit album and two new videos out, I don’t think Kanye is too upset about falling from the Top Three this week. Although I must say he is being crept on for Artist of the Year Chachi Award by our next video…
5. YUI – I’ll Be (Last Week #10)

YUI jumps of five big spots into the Top Five for the FOURTH TIME IN 2008! Can she FINALLY take the top spot after an almost two year hiatus? With that, she could repeat as Artist of the Year!
4. BoA – Eat You Up [Korean Version] (Last Week #8)
Okay…this video is finally growing on me. I am not a fan of the fact that BoA is going all “Dirrrty” on me but I will love my baby boo forever and that is why she moves up into the Top Five for the first time ever!
3. Kumi Koda – Taboo (Last Week #2)

Miss Koda falls back one spot this week! She came close to taking over the number one spot but got held off! No biggie, she has a new single and video out so she aint worried.
2. Rain (Bi) – Rainism (Last Week #5)

RAIN IS BACK! For the first time since December of 2006, Bi is looking at a serious shot at being the new King! With arguably the biggest album not by someone from New Orleans, Rain is making his move! However, he fell short of dethroning the reigning king…
1. T.I. feat Rihanna – Live Your Life (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)

TI and Rihanna are living their life on the top for the second straight week! So it looks to be between Kanye, T.I. and YUI for the Artist of the Year as all three have been dominant. However, there is something to be said about having three Top Three videos in a two month span which The King of the South has! Also, I am really pissed off about the whole Shawty Lo situation that broke off. I mean no one knows who that fuckwit is and all T.I. does is keep him in the spotlight! Either way, only one has the number one video and it aint that “Dunn Dunn” guy.

That is all for this week! We have a BATTLE FOR THE TOP SPOT as T.I. was able to hold on but Rain is right there ready to start his own reign! Kumi Koda, BoA and YUI are all looking at taking the throne back for the ladies as well. Look out for Halcali and even UVERworld to make moves next week! See you in seven!

Well, I have to go to the cleaners and then get pumped for a 4 and a half day weekend! I will be back this weekend at some point to give you more. Until then, stay up peeps!

Chachi Out!

Boy Bands & Thanksgiving: Nothing In Common.

First off, let me say HAPPY THANKSGIVING, PEEPS! I hope you are all spending time with your families and/or loved ones. I will do the same but first it is time for a special Turkey Day post. Nicole asked me to do this and I decided “why the hell not” so I give to you a special Thursday countdown. Today, I will count down twenty of the one thing we should be the most thankful for: boy bands. Without boy bands we wouldn’t have funky fresh dance moves, a scientific meaning for “the shy one” and most importantly we would have a hell of a lot more country. And no one wants that. So, I bring to you on this special day of days…

Passion of Chachi Presents: Top 20 Boy Bands of the 90’s!

I tried to make this as fair as possible and chose the 90’s because that was the beginning, the end and the return of the boy band…all in one decade. The 90’s were a simpler time and boy bands gave us hope. They helped us dream. They gave us killer dance routines. To thank them I will rank them and count them down for you. It’s what they and the boy band gods would want. First, a few honorable mentions!

B4-4

Why They Didn’t Make It: Well, although their concept was created in 1999 I believe, they didn’t become a group until 2001. That and this may be the worst fucking video I have ever seen. And I saw R. Kelly pee on that child.

3T

Why They Didn’t Make It: Well, mostly because they only had one good song (And not this one. Something about letting little boys sing with Michael Jackson just…doesn’t fit for me) and even though “Anything” was a great song…they are fucking creepy.

Let’s get this bad boy started!

20. Immature/iMX

Synopsis: Immature came in when Black boy bands stopped being considered “boy bands” so their focus tried to be on the music. Problem was that they weren’t really that good of singers. Surprisingly, they actually had some very good songs (Never Lie, Feel The Funk, Give Up The Ghost with Bizzy Bone which is a personal favorite of mine) which is what puts them on here. After the fact, they spun off a little boy band by the name of B2K in the 2000’s but Immature was kind of underrated and really overlooked as a boy band.
19. DreamStreet

Synopsis: DreamStreet got a really bad rap and I will admit a lot of it is well deserved. Their voices were FUCKING ANNOYING AS HELL and their dancing was subpar to be nice. However, they were proof that girls screaming causes more girls to scream. It was ridiculous how popular these guys were but when you look at them you can see why. They make puppies look like crap! They really don’t have a great collection of songs and fell off first of the younger boy bands in the late 90’s but it DID give us Jesse McCartney so it wasn’t all bad. YES, I like Jesse McCartney…wanna fight about it?
18. soulDecision

Synopsis: Okay, this one is tough to judge because SoulDecision didn’t dance (I believe) so I have to give them no points there. However, they had one of the best, albeit underplayed, songs of the 90’s with “Faded.” They were multifaceted musically with ballads, dance songs and up-tempo tracks. They really got overshadowed by the more popular bands but I put them up there with the best of them in song quality.
17. Take That

Synopsis: Now I for one never really liked Take That. I heard them when I was overseas and then we I got back to the states I had to hear the SAME SONGS OVER AGAIN, much like with Ace of Base. With that being said, I can’t take away from their songs and talent. They were one of the better British boy bands and did give us Robbie Williams. Which is neither a plus or a minus.
16. Soul IV Real

Synopsis: Soul IV Real is another one of the Black boy bands that was just categorized as “R&B” which really limited them. I for one STILL bump “Candy Rain” cuz I don’t give a fuck if you don’t like it. Now the major problem that hit this group hits everyone at some point: puberty. When puberty hit (Like…four months after this video or some shit) the lead singers voice changed and shit went downhill from there. Despite that, Soul IV Real had a great first album and…um…yeah.
15. Color Me Badd

Synopsis: You know GOD DAMNED WELL you loved some Color Me Badd! I have to say when they came out I was overseas (Aviano, Italy) and EVERYONE HAD THIS TAPE. Yes, I said tape. Their first album gave us CLASSIC 90’s songs from “I Wanna Sex You Up” to “All For Love.” I can honestly say that these guys gave NKOTB a run for their money for a while in terms of popularity. They could sing, they could dance and someone out their thought they were sexy (I was more of a Jordan Knight man myself) because they were on everything! Unfortunately, their albums after their first one all sucked it dry. But man, they were fucking AWESOME for that one year!
14. BBMak

YES, YES AND MORE YES. BBMak may just be the most underappreciated boy band of all time. They played real instruments, wrote awesome songs and had the voices of angels! If you can listen to “Back Here” and not think it is a great pop song then you don’t know pop music, my friend. They had a few other hits but being from across the pond, Americans lost their interest quickly because we were too busy with our Macarena and shit like that. Yeah, we suck but BBMak didn’t.
13. All-4-One

You know, I was never really a fan of All-4-One. That didn’t mean every female I knew wasn’t, though. Chicks totally dug these guys and I guess I see why. Between “I Swear”, “I Can Love You Like That” and “So Much In Love” they have weddings, proms and stalkers outside of windows with jamboxes market locked down from Peter Gabriel. Now they didn’t really DANCE but being a boy band isn’t ALL about the dancing. It sure as hell should be, though.
12. 2Gether

AAAAWWWWW YEEEEAAAAAHHH! One of the best boy bands of the 90’s was actually a spoof on boy bands! 2gether was on MTV as kind of a knock on the boy band craze and actually ended up being one of the bigger boy bands of the time. It started off as movie (Which was awesome) which parleyed into a show (Which was uber-awesome) and then led to an album with RULED. They danced (Albeit poorly), they sang (Although it even poorer than their dancing) and they got mad honeys. Can’t beat that!
11. O-Town

Okay, who DIDN’T watch “Making The Band?” If you did then you know about some O-Town. Now I believe the show started in 1999 but the band actually didn’t DO anything until 2000 but I will let it slide. Mostly because their first album wasn’t bad. It was actually…good. Problem was that when you get created on a TV show, no one takes you seriously and no one did. So they fell off after their next album but for a yeah they were the hottest band out there.
10. LFO (Lyte Funky Ones)

We are down to ten and we start off with arguably the most hated boy band in the 90’s. “Summer Girls” was one of those songs that was good the first time you heard it because you could relate…but then you heard it all the time. LITERALLY ALL THE FUCKING TIME. But Summer Girls is one of the best boy band songs because once you don’t hear it for a year and you hear it again you are no longer pissed. Can’t say that about “Closing Time” I tell you what.
9. New Edition

Okay, this one was a little rough. They broke up in 1989/1990 after NE Heartbreak but they got back together in 1996 for “Home Again” with arguably their best song “I’m Still In Love With You.” New Edition was the best boy band in the 80’s in my honest opinion and even though their reunion was a bit of a letdown they still got down. More from them later…
8. Westlife

Okay, I used to HATE Westlife but then they covered Frank Sinatra. AND DID IT RIGHT! Let me explain something to the peeps: when you cover The Chairman of the Board you better have your game tight and dammit they were on it. The covered “More Than Words” AND “Uptown Girl!” I never really saw them dance but they have the best voices of any boy band STILL TO THIS DAY. Yeah, I said it. Come get some.
7. Hi-Five

You know, I have to say that Hi-Five is one of my favorite boy bands ever. Hell, maybe one of my favorite groups of all time. They made great R&B and pop songs and Tony Thompson had a serviceable singing voice. They could dance and even had the other members drop some vocals rather than have Tony sing all the time. It sucks that reunion talks were going on when Tony Thompson died.
6. 98 Degrees

The dreamy Nick Lachey. My bad, gotta focus. 98 Degrees was in the wrong place at the wrong time. They began as a “R&B” group after the “Invisible Man” fiasco which has a great song but was really marketed toward Blacks and unless it’s Steve Winwood we don’t like White’s in our Soul music. When they pivoted to being more pop they took off…but behind two BIGGER groups who will remain nameless. They had great albums, did a little (and I mean a LITTLE) bit of dancing and could really fricking sing. But they were always bronze medalists.
5. Bell Biv DeVoe (B.B.D.)

Only five more to go and we make it to my controversial pick. If you were around when New Edition broke up then you remember the anticipation of the Bell Biv DeVoe album. While most wouldn’t consider BBD a BOY BAND you have to consider what they came from. New Edition was THE boy band of the 80’s and all that changed was Michael Bivins rapped a little bit (At J-Tim used to beat-box…for some reason) so it is the exact same. “Poison” is EVERYONE’S FAVORITE SONG and they had the three tenants of boy banding down: fresh dance moves, good looks and catchy songs. Sounds like a boy band to me.
4. N’SYNC

Well you knew they were going to be on here somewhere! They were part of the initial movement that brought boy bands back into the mainstream but behind good looks and spiffy dance moves were actually great pop songs and above average singers. I DARE you to not sing “Bye Bye Bye” when it comes on and if you say you don’t then you obviously do…liar. This band spawned off the wannabe act Justin Timberlake (Wanting to be anything but white) and of course the gayest man in music today. Oh, and Lance Bass. JC Chasez is playing with the boys!
3. New Kids On The Block

Okay, first off The New Kids On The Block redefine boy band from just being dudes singing and dancing in a gay way to dudes singing and dancing in a gay way and getting massive amounts of lolis. Although by 1990 they were coming down off their major run from 1987-1989 they were still noth just the dominant boy band but the dominant musical act not named Michael Jackson. Their change to NKOTB really fell off but they are still one of the all time best. You KNOW you like “Step By Step” so stop frontin.
2. Backstreet Boys

OMG! HOW CAN THEY NOT BE NUMBER ONE?! Well, it was very close. I mean from 1997 to 2000, Backstreet Boys were everywhere and rightfully so. I mean come on, did they make a bad song? They had awesome dance moves (Before they got “too big” to dance) and a hell of a lot of great songs. “I Want It That Way” and “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” are two of the greatest songs EVAR. You fucking know it, too. They are bigger in Japan than schoolgirls and they still are together, unlike almost ALL THE BOY BANDS ON HERE. Standing the test of time is something boy bands usually don’t do, peeps. And we are now down to one! WHO IS IT?!
1. Boyz II Men

East Coast swing, fools! Yes, Boyz II Men were the best boy band of the 90’s. From “Motownphilly” to “Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday” they dominated the early 90’s boy band scene that NKOTB left open and by the time they released “End Of The Road” they were THE BAND. There was no one bigger than Boyz II Men when it came to singing. They had some of the best songs ever written and even still danced, something most boy bands stop doing as they get older. When it all boils down, it couldn’t be anyone BUT Boyz II Men on the top of this bad boy.

Let the arguing begin! I am out for now; I will be back tomorrow for the official Countdown but until then stay up and enjoy the rest of your Thanksgiving!

Chachi Out!

It's Time To Throw Down The Gauntlet. Then, We Drink Rum From It!

Hey, ya’ll! Heh, I should just steal Cleveland’s catchphrase. Way too lazy to make my own. So with boredom reigning and for no particular reason I am working on the day before Thanksgiving (WHAT IS THIS?! OLD COUNTRY?!) so I need to drive AGAIN because of poor planning but hey, it aint my fault. I just do the do.

So with that being said, I only have a few things to say before Thanksgiving. None are really important but I just wanted to vent and all.

1. People need to lighten the fuck up. I swear to fucking god, life is too short to be mad all the damn time. I may rant but at the end of the day I do it as a release and I know when to get my joke on. From now on, I am living by the “Nigga, Fuck You!” motto. The next time someone tells me to be serious or gets upset about shit I don’t care about I am just going to say “NIGGA, FUCK YOU!” and walk away. Try it; it TOTALLY shuts up the other person. Unless they are Black in which you may have a fight on your hands.
2. “M” stands for “Mature” not “Middle School.” With the holiday season coming up and a bevy of kickass games being released it is time for the “I Don’t Want To Call MYSELF A Bad Parent So I Will Blame Every Game Manufacturer Under The Fucking Sun” people to come from under their rocks and bitch. After seeing people buy games for their kids and not even LOOK AT THE FUCKING GAME (I told you about my “25 To Life” incident at GameStop) it has gotten to the point that with games pretty much everywhere that you cannot use the “I can’t watch my kids at all times” line. Hell, I saw video games at 7/11 when I went to get gas on yesterday. The commercials are all over the place and I am pretty sure I saw product placement for MetLife and Always maxi-pads in Gears of War 2. Kind of fits with all the blood in that bitch. Anyway, this holiday season, people better look at the damn rating systems because I will be damned if I have to see Jack Johnson next February because you didn’t know that a game called FALLOUT 3 wasn’t about bunkbeds…jackass.
3. Michael Turner for MVP! The fact that the Atlanta Falcons have more than one win is an act of Gawd. The fact they are second in the NFC South and in the hunt for the GOD DAMN PLAYOFFS after Week 11 is an act of The Wolven. Even if they don't win another game, The Burner has given this team something to build off of. Oh, and if Mike Smith doesnt win coach of the year then there is something wrong with EVERYFUCKINGTHING.
4. Enjoy the time with your family. Times are hard, the baby is crying and we are all living for the city. Make the most of the time with the people who matter because you never know when you will ever be able to tell them how thankful you are to have them again.

Lastly, I want to say I am disappointed in you Colorado Springs. We did not over take Denver as the number one drunkest city in America. As a matter of fact, according to Men's Health we have FALLEN TO NUMBER 3! Behind Anchorage, Alaska?! MOTHERFUCKERS! That is it, in 2009 we are taking what's ours! Join me starting New Year's Day in my effort to make Colorado Springs the drunkest city in America! It is time for...

LUSHFEST 2009!

Are you ready? I am and I have the soju and the microphone to prove it. TO THE KOREAN KARAOKE BAR, MOFOS! We are taking the hat of inibriation to the Springs!

CHACHI OUT!

Cheating: The Only Time It Is Cool Is At The Beginning Of Contra...

So I just spied this on Yahoo and thought it was HIL-AIR-EE-US!

Four Ways To Know If Your Man Will Cheat!

Yeah…no.

Predictor #1: His Background

If your man seems to have sailed through life without ever hitting the rough waters that rock the rest of us, beware. Privileged chaps tend to suffer from a sense of entitlement (read: bratty-boy syndrome), so he may believe that the rules don't apply to him. He's so used to getting what he wants, why should he stop now?

Hmm, this is a very interesting thought process. Aside from the fact it is generalizing men (Something women demand WE don’t do of them but they do all the time of US) it also brings in a certain aspect about the gender bias that women never fight because it is in their favor. Why is it okay for a woman to always demand SHE gets what she wants and it is normal. If a man fights for anything, he is seen as selfish. Or at least a jerk. Don’t even get me started on entitlement because the only people that think they are more entitled to shit they didn’t earn aside women (Harrison Ford, anyone?) are Black people. Yeah, I went there. As for rules, not only do women feel the rules don’t apply to them they seem to make them as they go along. Dealing with women in anything aside from a swift pop to the mouth is like playing Calvinball without the fun. W00T! Calvin and Hobbes reference! I honestly understand the process behind the statement because I have seen dudes that act like it is a privilege for women to be around him because…I really don t know but hey, if that is your swag then you got it like that. However, women act the same way (Actually worse) and we as men are expected to take it. All the power, none of the responsibility.

Predictor #2: His Career

• Does he work mostly with women?
• Is he always logging in late hours, whether it be at the office, at dinner with clients or on business trips?
• Does he make a lot of money?

It's great to date a guy with ambition -- and his deep pockets definitely don't hurt when he brings you pricey baubles -- but the office environment can open the door to private meetings of the carnal kind. According to Glass, studies show that when men cheat, it's most often with a work colleague. "Not only are people with similar interests side by side on a daily basis, but the time they spend together is usually when they're most energetic and look their best."

God…read that first line. Am I the only person that is beginning to think that Ike and OJ had it right…and left cross? As one that kind of lived this let me explain something to women right now: it isn’t uter-you, its UTER-US. Let me explain. If you are dating someone then USUALLY it is a partnership and he does what he does to bring home in some way or form the fruits of his labor to you. So what I don’t get about this is the fact that women will stay with a man for the money if his career is profitable enough. Also, take my word for it on this one too: dating at work usually ends poorly. I mean, if Monica and Bill couldn’t find love in the White House then what make you think your boyfriend/husband and his co-worker will? Also, any man that thinks that fooling around with a co-worker is a good idea is a dipshit. And I am their leader with a gun and flag. Yep, I was a dumbass and I speak from experience. Again, I understand the concern but just because he is working late and happens to have female co-workers doesn’t mean he is fucking her. Blowjobs are the sexual act of choice at work. Oh, that was your eye, baby! GIGGITY!

Predictor #3: Smoozing

• Can he talk his way out of anything (parking tickets, rolling into work late)?
• Does he make an effort to charm everyone -- your coworkers, your older sister, a saleswoman?
• When you go to parties, does he insist on making the rounds?

Your friends and family love him, and he always manages to keep you entertained. How could you not adore him? But according to Glass, sweet-talkers often have a deep need for approval and thrive on attention. So what's wrong with dating a really friendly fella? Well, sometimes a smooth operator's need for the spotlight can't be satisfied by one woman's ego-stroking. And if he's suave with the ladies, opportunities undoubtedly arise. "Charmers meet a lot of women and win them over easily," says Aumiller. "So even if his intentions aren't more than friendship, they might be willing to move beyond friendship, and that's hard to resist."

Okay, I will admit this can be deceiving. Having to talk to a lot of high-level (Read: DOUCHEBAG MCGEES) and meet with them now and again in my jobs I learned to talk the talk. Which means that you have to have the “Honkey Laugh” and of course be charming to the point you want to beat yourself with a meat cleaver in the balls to counteract the pain of being a douchebag to close your big deal. So ladies, sometimes it comes with the job, we don’t WANT to be a smooze but it come with the territory. Just like when you date a boxer he might just punch the shit out of you. Or any man on drugs for that matter. They will usually fuck your ass up if you stop them from getting their 8ball.

Now as for making the rounds at parties. I for one hate people so it is beyond me why I am so skilled at this but I can be really approachable and a great listener when I don’t give a fuck. If I don’t know people at a party I will usually (READ: USUALLY) try to talk to everyone. Even female because if you don’t they think you are a dick. However, if you do you end up in the category that this article places you in: a player/flirt. I think that women still believe that when a man is talking to you that he is offering dick. First off, it aint all about you. Since I know if I don’t talk to someone I will end up snapping I don’t mind talking to another woman. Besides, what do I have to lose when I will never see your dumb ass again. Now I ran into this a few times when at parties I would make rounds and talk to everyone (including women) and even though it WASN’T in a sexual or come-hither manner my date took it that way or (EVEN WORSE) the women I spoke to took it that way. Which now has to switch the light back onto the women, here. Are women so simple as to be wooed by simple conversation (BTW, the answer is yes) to the point that either they are enticed by a taken man or fly into a rage when their boyfriend/husband does it? Now I for one on the flipside DIDN’T flip out and I totally should have because that was her ex (We live, we learn) but at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with being cordial and women need to understand that (Opening a door for you doesn’t mean we want you to open your legs for us. Hard to accept I admit). In some cases I have to agree with this one because there is a thin line between being a people-person and being a whore. It usually involves anal.

Predictor #4: His Friends

• Does he usually hang out with a crew of mostly single guys?
• Do his friends encourage him to join them in just-for-men activities?
• Do his pals have problems staying in relationships?

The nightclubs, the bachelor parties, the dudes-only deeds we're better off not knowing the details of -- it's enough to make any woman worry just a wee bit. Although boys-will-be-boys, bonding time helps a committed man feel less, well, trapped, the appeals of bachelorhood may make him long to be a free agent. A recent study of 37,000 men and women showed that when guys see those around them splitting from their significant others, it tends to encourage them to do the same."

Okay, this was always funny to me. First off, for the majority of my life I have had my female friends outnumber my male friends because the only manly things I like are football and kicking puppies. You won’t see Rick going to Bed, Bath & Beyond with me. That shit is gay and we both know it so we don’t go together. Even when I DO go out to the clubs (And it has been a minute), very rarely do I go out of my way to converse with women. If conversation happens then I am not going to say “BITCH, BACK OFF! I’M TAKEN DEVIL WOMAN!” but I am not going to see if I can get her to let me in her gullyhole. For the most part (Aside from my bro and Black friends) when I go out, I hang out with the people I left with and we mingle with some others that come off as non-douches. I think that judging someone by their company is stupid. I mean, there are a lot of you women that have really slutty friends that are down to fuck any dude with the common sense to know that women love Long Island Iced Teas more than H2O and yet you say “oh, I don’t flirt like SHE does” when we all know that shit is false. Flashback, my bad. Oh, and some of you reading this ARE that slutty girl and to you I say great job. Whores like you keep dumb niggas and bros buying drinks and keep the economy moving. Whores are the REAL heroes.

Quite simply this last one has merit, just like all of them. As usual, it’s the REASON that is lost. And the reason for the season is pleasing! That and I like reading these. They are funny, just like Fox News. Well, I am out because I have to fucking work tomorrow like it is fucking communist Russia or some shit. I will try to be up tomorrow night and I think I will finish up the 2008 Chachi Music Awards Nominee Special on Sunday after the Falcons/Chargers game. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out

Pardon Me While I Burst....INTO ANGER!

Aw, yeah! Eight years of bullshit and George Walker Bush finally did something the fuck right! After seven years in jail for…not…having $1.4 million in liquid cocaine and trying to smuggle it through customs, rapper John Forte is finally free! You don’t know who he is? Oh, well that is to be expected. He used to hang out with The Fugees and that other guy. I think he was the hustleman on my street. Man, that dude had the hook-up on EVERYTHING. Anyway, it is nice to see that having drugs and cooking it up like Krispy Kremes and dishing it out to the inner city is less horrible than DOG FIGHTING. Yes, Michael Vick was ALSO up for a Presidential pardon but he didn’t get one. What the fuck?! How many touchdown passes has John Forte thrown?! How many times has John Forte murdered the Minnesota Vikings defense?!:

BTW, I was watching that on TV and I lost my shit. The guy couldn’t hit the broad side of a doghouse with a dead pitbull but man he was one hell of an athlete. Yet we will never see it because killing humans with drugs isn’t as bad as giving dogs a chance to learn a trade. It was like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force said: Mike Vick was like a man that sees his neighborhood crumbling so he builds a youth center to get underprivileged youths of the street...and then makes them fight in illegally sanctioned cage matches for a pre-discussed fee. Is that so wrong?! Is that so illegal?! You damn right it is and THAT’S WHY HE DESERVED A PARDON! That way, the Falcons can trade him for draft picks! You see, it all works out well! Atlanta gets draft picks, Mike Vick goes free and more dogs are taken out of the mean city streets and taught the sweet science of underground, illegal caged dogfighting! Everyone one wins!

Listen, I am against seeing dogs get hurt as much as the next man but until they approve interspecies caged combat this is ALL WE HAVE! I would rather see the epic battle of two natural enemies like a bear vs. shark showdown but PETA gets all pissy about that kind of thing. As usual PETA, much like the ACLU, NOW, NAACP and those pussy ass Planeteers:

Are fucking up the fun for the rest of us. Another thing, why is John Forte free when a certain other rapper is not? Barack Obama, I DEMAND you do the right thing and one up GW Bush. When you take office, your first order of business should be the economy, the second should be taking over Turkey (YOU KNOW WHY!) and your third order of business should be to do the right thing. You should…

FREE SHYNE!

All he did was keep it real and try to protect the man that signs his checks! Is that so wrong?! AND HE STOPPED SNITCHING! As all you ignorant ass niggas know, snitching is not the cool thing to do! Unless it means saving your own ass in which you sing like Angela Winbush. Yeah, I’m kicking it old school. Either way, someone needs to make it happen. While you are at it, PUT R.KELLY’S NASTY ASS IN JAIL! I’m through playing around with that nasty motherfucker.

What do you mean by teenager?! NIGGA WHAT?! Even PEDO BEAR DOES NOT APPROVE! Remember, peeps:

+

= EPIC WIN

while....

+

= TAKE A SEAT OVER HERE, MR. KELLY…CUZ U’VE BEEN V&!

Well, I am so out. I’ll be back up tomorrow night or Wednesday. Or something, none of this matters.

Chachi Out

Uncle Ben: Molding Heroes And Making Dinner Complete Since 1948...

What is up, people?! I am back for a Sunday night update which is rare seeing as how early I have to wake up now. What can I say; I truly love the peeps.

You know one thing I haven’t done in a long ass time? Rant. It has been at least five months since I have sat back, put my mind to it and really just laid someone out with my anger. I think my last rant was against bros and well…they seem to be going away. Except where I work but that is a conversation for another day and time. I will just say this, right here and right now:

ULTIMATE FRISBEE = TOTALLY GAY

I mean balls deep in the brown sea gay. Anyway, I have kept rather quiet about the national elections solely for the fact that although I didn’t really matter who won, I just didn’t want the Irish fuck to win. Nothing personal, I just don’t like old, Irish men. Don’t even get me STARTED about a woman in the White House. The only place a woman should be in the White House is behind a stove, on her knees, or being wrapped up in a carpet to be tossed into a river, Kennedy style. Oh yeah…I said it.Therefore, the loss by John McCain and Sarah Palin was very sweet to me because I didn’t want to see the modern day version of Archie Bunker and Fran Dresher running the country. I would rather have not had the mulatto (Mmm…delicious cookie) and the other old honkey cracker win but as Jesus Christ will tell you, we can’t win them all. Either way, I win and White people lose. Therefore, it is an EPIC WIN for me. But I have to say...White folks are REALLY TRIPPIN about this one. I haven’t seen White people this mad since Ruben Studdard beat out Clay Aiken. Here is the thing about that; Clay Aiken turned out to be as gay as the American flag is tacky (Yeah, I said it! The flag is too busy! A few less stars and some more bling blong would hip it up) and if there is one thing that Conservatives hate it is a cocktail…fruit. Which is doubly sweet for me because whenever a gay gets married, baby Jesus cries. I mean, can it GET ANY FUCKING BETTER?! Still pissed off about California and Prop 8 but once again, you can’t win them all. Unless you are Rick Astley.

So enough on that. I just had to comment on the inability for White people to take a loss with dignity like every Black boxer that lost to Rocky Marciano did. All…three. Back on the lack of ranting. A lot of it has been about a REALLY SHITTY FALL (August to October was the worst time ever) but for the most part my rants have been cut back because it seemed like I ranted about the same thing over and over again. It was either about:

1. Bros
2. Niggas
3. Women
4. Jesus
5. Phillip Michael Thomas

There were some video game rants tossed in there for good measure but for the most part I was ranting about variations of the exact same subject which is fine because I always thought it was fun and the peeps seemed to enjoy it. Then I began to notice something. Women took my rants way too literal. Whether they touched a little too close to home or they felt I was talking about them (Which odds are if you THINK I was talking directly to your dumb ass then I was. You know who you are and you know what I mean) there were times that it felt like my rants were being taken as a direct insult to them and their person.

Well, first off you would be wrong to assume that. I am making a judgment by your ACTIONS as women (And in some cases in the blog individual females themselves and their dipshittery) because I have learned that motive is in the person and you really can’t judge what that is because with women, a lot of time THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEIR MOTIVE IS. You can say I am wrong, but if your motive for staying with someone who treats you like shit is fear then I am sorry but your logic is flawed. As is the justice system but once again, you can’t win them all. So if you are a female out there and you think that what I have to say about the actions of women is unfair then stop being idiots and go from there. It’s like I say about rappers: if you don’t want people to say rap is violent and misogynistic then stop shooting at each other and sluttifying women in your videos. You don’t want to be considered a whore, STOP FUCKING RANDOM DUDES. I don’t see what is so hard about that.

Which leads me to a rant (See, you knew this was leading SOMEWHERE). Friday night on my way home (or it may have been Saturday) I was talking to a friend about a conversation I had with a certain someone about the concept of drunken club love. You know what I mean so I won’t even go into it more. What concerned me is her response when I stated that when to drunk people have sex, they are both evenly at fault for being dumb enough as man and woman to get themselves into that situation in the first place:

“No, it’s ALWAYS the man’s fault!”

Are you fucking shitting me? Ladies, I need some clarification in this one because I find it hard to believe that YOU STILL BELIEVE that “the man should know to stop” is a logical defense for stupidity. It is 2008 now and it is completely illogical with as much information that is out there and how smart and strong women claim to be that they still believe that they don’t have to take responsibility for the choice of drinking or illogical actions. Now the first thing that she said when I called the concept of blaming the man completely “illogical” is that “a man should know better not to take advantage of a woman when she is drunk!” and while I have PERSONAL VIEWS about that shit (Ask me if you really want to know but for the sake of this rant I will bypass them) let’s really look at this. Now if you read this thing or know me at all you know I think that the act of rape is reprehensible. It is a horrible crime. However, much like I feel that blatant racism is disgusting I also know that there are people out there that will use the aspect of racism for their own means. Whether it is a buffer for a lack of talent (Some Black quarterbacks out there) or as a reason for being passed over despite being grossly unqualified. I find using racism as an unfair advantage even WORSE than actual racism because I honestly believe no one wants to question it. Let’s parallel this and say I never want to question a woman’s word when she says she has been raped but as the story unfolds, you have to ask yourself something:

At what point do you hold yourself accountable for questionable actions?

Now understand this: two drunk people having sex is just two drunk people having sex. Period. It isn’t rape or anything else. It is two fucktards not having the common sense to know that your mind is chemically altered when you drink and your thoughts are clouded. It isn’t his fault for going along with it and saying “you know, she can’t really stand up so maybe doing it in the butt is okay!” as much as it isn’t HER fault for ending up wherever she was when it happened or even better having that fourth Long Island Iced Tea. I will say it again: it’s like two drunk drivers getting in an accident with no one else on the road. You can’t blame the one with the lower BAC or the more experienced driver. They are both at fault and they live with the consequences. Now you can go to civil court and sue for damages but where is the logic in that when your drunk ass hit someone elses drunk ass? Same with two people having drunken sex whether it is on a date (To which I say if I take you to dinner and you eat it up, uh, you going home with me) or just a random encounter at a club (To which I say if I buy you a drink and you drink it up then, uh, you going home with me). I’ll let Jermaine Dupri tell it:

All kidding aside, mostly because I don’t buy women drinks. Bitches don’t deserve the nog. The whole point of this post is because I really want to understand the thought process about this. It seems like all women say the same thing about this situation and it is dumbfounding. Especially when I compare it to two drunk drivers because they say it isn’t the same when it is. I mean at what point does responsibility for ones actions come into play? YES you have the right to go out and have a good time. YES you have the right to drink (Once you turn 21, so if you are under the age of 21 and alcohol is involved in any of your activities you are on your fucking own if ANYTHING happens to you that isn’t forced) to your liver’s content and flirt and grind on any “cute guy” you see. You know what? You have to accept the task of being RESPONSIBLE WITH YOUR DAMN ACTIONS. Yes you CAN do all of those things but you also need to make sure you know where you are doing it and who you are doing it with. You can’t just make stupid decisions (And yes, drinking a drink you didn’t see poured or leaving a club/party with someone you don’t know is a STUPID DECISION) and after the fact blame everyone else. I have made some dumb ass choices and you know who I blame for them? ME!

I am not saying to hole yourself up in a bubble. As a woman you shouldn’t have to quarantine yourself to stay safe from perverts and rapists. However, look at things logically. If you DON’T bring undo attention to yourself in random places by drinking enough to take out Sam Kinison (Bless his drunk, coked out funny as fuck dead ass) and yelling out “I’M SO DRUNK” as you stagger around showing half the place your gully hole, that is half the battle right there. It is possible to go out and drink responsibly without hanging on an unsavory crowd that may want to cause you harm. Rather than do THAT, some women deem it necessary to do what they want and when they want even if it means putting themselves in situations that a rational person would not. Women want to live like men but not accept the consequences of being a fucking asshat. One thing about living like a man is that you fuck up A LOT and you have to live with the shit without much (If any) sympathy for your dumb ass actions. Is that REALLY how you want to live, ladies? Constantly doing dumb shit? If it is then continue to live by the credo that it is someone else’s fault. If you do that, you are no better than Al Sharpton. And I am sure you don’t want that.

Well, I will do another rant this week as I believe I am working remote Wednesday and Friday. Happy Thanksgiving if I don’t see you again by Thursday!

Chachi Out

The King Is Back...Again...For The Second TIme...

Well, my first week at my new job has come and gone and I have to say it isn’t bad at all. The drive is UGH but next week is Thanksgiving and after that I can take the bus and work on getting up there permenantly. But that will NOT change the fact that every Friday you come here to see the biggest videos on the planet. And I give them to you once again!

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!

First off, let’s look at the videos that are no longer with us with Falling Out:

FLOW – WORLD END (Peaked at #2)
Fonzworth Bentley feat Andre 3000 & Kanye West – Everybody [Don’t Stop] (Peaked at #1 for Two Weeks)

I AM STILL WAITING FOR SOME NEW FONZWORTH! Well, let’s get started with a new video that may just be the catchiest song this year not by the Wonder Girls!

20. Ikimonogakari – Kimagure Romanteikku (New Entry)

Okay, first off it is about time! Ikimonogakari is back and all I have to say is this song is stuck in my head after three listens. The video is just…old school Nintendo goodness! I tell you, J-Pop is on its way to topping my list of favorite music and videos like this is why. I dare artists in America to do this!
19. John Legend feat Andre 3000 – Green Light (Last Week #16, One Week at #1)
John Legend has a new video! I believe it is out now and I am sure it is awesome! On another note, why has Andre 3000 not graced me with his own album?! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!
18. Paramore – Decode (New Entry)

Okay, I am getting sick of this “Twilight” bullshit. It is “Harry Potter” for dumb girls and that is fine but keep it out of my TV and off of my foosball. However, I guess I can tolerate it because it means Paramore is back! Can I get a woot?!
17. Big Bang – Number 1 (Last Week #15)
Big Bang falls two spots this week as I wonder if boy bands will ever rule the world again? I mean Asia is trying but we need more of this! I mean, I could do without SMAP (Ugh…) but the rest are palatable. The more funky fresh dances the better!
16. Yuna Ito – Miss You (Last Week #13)
Yuna Ito falls this week as we move on. Can I just say that the females in J-Pop are FINALLY creating some differences between them? For a while I couldn’t tell them apart musically but they are coming into their own I must say.
15. Halcali – LONG KISS GOODBYE (Last Week #19)
Halcali is moving up this week! It has been a while since they have been on here and I am still trying to turn this one into a ringtone but odds are I will be getting a new phone next week so the point becomes a tad bit moot. This will be one of the first ones on the new phone, though.
14. UVERworld – Koishikute (Last Week #12)

The World falls this week however you mustn’t feel sad…
13. UVERworld – Hakanaku mo Towa no Kanashi (Last Week #17)…because they are moving back up! Okay, do the math: GUNDAM + UVERWORLD = FUCK THE WORLD. Get it? Got it? Good.
12. Hyori Lee – Hey Mr. Big! (Last Week #10)
Miss Hyori falls from the Top 10 as her fall run of dominance seems to be over. She got a Chachi Video Award and maybe even a few Chachi Music Awards nominations as well. Tune in next weekend!
11. Alicia Keys - Superwoman (Last Week #9)
“Quantum of Solace” wasn’t bad. It wasn’t GREAT, but it was very watchable. Alicia’s newest song was playing during the intro and I have to say I have never been a fan of the intros. Except “Die Another Day” which sadly had Madonna but you can’t win them all.
10. YUI – I’ll Be (Last Week #14)

YUI is looking to break her SIX VIDEO STREAK of no number one videos as she moves into the Top 10 for the fourth time of 2008, behind only Kanye West. So…have I told you that I love you today because I so do…
9. T.I. – What Up, What’s Happening (Last Week #6)
The King falls a big three spots this week as we move along. Also, Rihanna isn’t pissing me off as bad so much anymore. Although it is mainly because my distain for Beyonce has grown so much but someone has to benefit from my hate. I guess it is her.
8. BoA – Eat You Up [Korean Version] (Last Week #11)

Okay, give me some damn news girl! I have no idea where the hell your album is and I am waiting patiently! Until then, BoA moves up three big spots to number 8 and into the Top 10 for the first time ever! It is about damn time, woman!
7. Hearts Grow – Sora (Last Week #5, Three Weeks at #1)
After looking like they were going to bounce back yet again, Hearts Grow falls two spots this week and out of the Top 5 for the first time in over two months. Can I just say that I am tired of them not having a real album, rather than just mini-albums? What is with that, Japan? MAKE IT HAPPEN!
6. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Remember (Last Week #7)

HAMC moves up a single spot this week as they hang on for the last time. It has been a great year for them and looks to be a great sendoff for one of my favorite bands out there. For shame…
5. Rain (Bi) – Rainism (Last Week #8)
BI IS BACK! He has his fourth Top 5 video, but his first since 2006 and all I have to say is it has been a LONG TWO YEARS! “Rainism” should have been nominated for the Best Dance Video but it didn’t make it in time. It WILL be nominated next year, though!
4. Wonder Girls - Nobody (Last Week #2, One Week at #1)
After holding on to the runner up spot last week, the Wonder Girls fall two spots. I wonder if they are going to come at us with something new or not. The disco version of this song is a tad bit of overkill IMHO. Just saying. We are down to three!
3. Kanye West – Love Lockdown (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)

We have a new number one! After two weeks and a meteoric rise, Kanye falls two spots to number three this week. His album is out next week and supposedly his new video should be here any day now. I am so hoping it is “Coldest Winter” but I don’t call the shots.
2. Kumi Koda – Taboo (Last Week #3)

Kumi Koda is one step away! It has been a while since she has been this high and is it possible that the first artist with the first official number one video (Before UVERworld knocked her off) in Countdown history FINALLY takes back what is hers? Well, we will have to see and to do so she will have to knock off arguably the biggest artist in the Countdown’s history!
1. T.I. feat Rihanna – Live Your Life (Last Week #4, One Week at #1)

T.I. is back on top! This gives him his second number one video of 2008 and his fourth all time! He even brought along Rihanna with him which I guess is a good thing. This song is now my favorite after a long battle of not wanting to embrace a rap song that sampled “The Numa Numa Song.” I mean…IT’S THE NUMA NUMA SONG! Either way, they are on top!

That is all for this week! Tune in next Friday to see if T.I. and Rihanna can make it two weeks in a row! Or can Kumi Koda finally recapture the top? Or will Kanye West return to lockdown the throne? See you in seven to find out!

Well, I’m out. I am going to scope out the Korean karaoke spots in Denver tonight to see if I can Rickroll another zip code. Rickrollin around Colorado, fools! If anyone is down, let me know and you can meet me or we can go halfsises. Until Sunday, peace out ya’ll!

Chachi Out

Oooohhhh, Let's Post Again! Like We Did Last Spring!

Okay, I posted this blog in March of this year because I was getting really irritated with the niggerdom of women. Then it hit me that women had become the niggas of 2008 much like Bros had taken their spot (I may re-post that blog tomorrow) as being whiney, stupid fuckwits that have no concept that self-respect is SELF-RESPECT. But that is beyond the point. So, in my ultimate wisdom (And uber-exaustion) I have reposted one of my favorite rants of 2008: Women are the new niggas. Re-read, relive and enjoy yo self.

So yesterday Zach and I had a very insightful conversation about that bimbo game that was made in England (Brits…like sober Japanese people) and we were talking about how women always claim to be “exploited” and “portrayed unfairly” when LITERALLY half the time these images are either being created or perpetuated by women themselves. How many times have women claimed that they are made to live up to an naturally unattainable version of beauty that is created and reinforced by men yet women THEMSELVES are creating fashion lines that cut off the circulation to their legs and creating bras that lift and separate to the point that your breasts need a tourniquet? What really irks me is the fact that the rational that women give that “well, at least it is a woman making the money rather than a man!” Wow, that is some niggerish logic right there.

Wait a minute…EUREKA! It is all making sense! The constant double standards! The total lack of logic about their views of equality! Feigned individuality and independence which is actually a cloak for total conformity! The love of fat white women! The love of gaudy jewelry! The horrible, HORRIBLE fashion sense! It is official!

Women are the new niggas.

It’s true, IT IS SO TRUE! So today, I have YET ANOTHER RANT and it is something that just hit me so bare with my progression as this is all coming off top of head. So today, I give the peeps….

Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi’s Five Reasons Why!

Today’s Topic: Five Reasons Why….Women Are The New Black.

Yeah…I am totally losing readers with this one.

Reason #1: Women Are The New Black Because….They Exploit Themselves.

Where to start, where to START? Remember all those 1970’s blaxiplotiation movies? They were created because of the lack of roles for Black actors in movies and the roles that WERE available were roles of pimp, drug dealer and other ne’er-do-wells. So Blacks created movies themselves that gave them new roles….of pimps, drug dealers and other ne’er-do-wells. Yes they were being put in less than flattering roles, but dammit they were getting the money and not the white man!

Now let’s look at women. Women were only cast in roles if they were pleasing to the eye, docile or demure, a total bulldike or if they fit the role of angry/ugly shrew woman or slut. Then women didn’t want these roles and wanted to be cast in roles that showed the full spectrum of the female experience. So women made their own shows and got their own networks (Lifetime, Oxygen, The WB/UPN or the CW for not just women but Black women, too) to make shows and create roles for all women. Yet…when you think of the show that all women love the most it is “Sex In The City.” Who are the characters in that show? A woman that is pleasing to the eye, a docile character that SO wants to fall in love and get married, a total bulldike and an angry (and old) slut. So…what was the difference between before and after? Just because the book the show is based on was written by a woman it makes it okay? Bullcrap. The fact is, just like the reason Blacks were (and in some cases are) exploited is that they did it themselves. Same for women.

Think I am wrong? Look at all the women with sex tapes out there. Now women want to blame the man for these videos and their mass distribution but think about it. The women have to AGREE to have the video distributed before it gets into mass production. Now I know the internet can screw with that but that is the unknown. What we do know is that these videos are rarely on HIDDEN cameras and the women are aware of every second of video. So when it hits the internet or the streets, they KNOW with past issues with this that it is not only probable, it is inevitable that the video was going to be seen and that they also can make a hefty sum from it. So in essence, they are no better than porn stars. Actually, they are NOT better than porn stars because porn stars are professionals. They are like baseball players: they start in the minor leagues (gonzo) until they make it to the show (Vivid, Wicked). The fact is that when there is money or the chance for stardom involved, women are no better than anyone else. Which leads me to my next reason.

Reason #2: Women Are The New Black Because….They Don’t Respect Themselves.

Gone are the days of Poor Righteous Teachers and KRS-One telling Black people to read a damn book and get a real damn job. The Civil Rights Movement is long gone and quite simply Black people got an inch and wanted to become a ruler. Which is fine it you use that rule to change the status quo but when you traded in that ruler for spinning rims and a giant necklace that says “Stack Dat Cheese” you really negate what so many Blacks took ass-whoopins’, dog bites and fire hoses for. They fought for your right to get into a prestigious college and apply and compete for a job that you couldn’t even get into the building to apply for. Not for your stupid ass to put $15,000 rims on a $5,000 car. So THAT is what my grandparents marched for?! For you to put four TV screens in a FUCKING CUTLASS SUPREME?! GOD DAMMIT! The simple fact is that despite all the work that was done in the 60’s and 70’s to help give Blacks some respectability Blacks (And Ronald Reagan’s evil ass, but mostly Blacks), it has been undone with the crap done in the last 10 years or so by Nelly, 50 Cent and Nick Cannon.

Now let’s look at woman. A long time ago, women weren’t allowed to vote. It was a better, simpler time. However, women wanted their voices to be heard and they stepped out of the kitchen and marched and protested for their rights. From that point on, women were bitching (And I mean that in the most respectful way possible) their way to equality. From entering toe workplace to Title IX women fought long and hard to get to a playing field where they could compete fairly against men. So how are they thanked for all the hard work they put blazing a path for women to be seen as equals? My Sweet Sixteen?! Okay, so you have the right to vote and play sports just like men. You can apply for any job and yet you decide that your goal as a teenager is to be a spoiled little rich whore?

Well that is just fricking peachy! THIS is why women are in this state right now. I mean if you don’t respect the fact that others paved the way for you to achieve more than be eye candy or a housewife then you should never….EVER complain about the perception of women. Now some women want to be a housewife and that is fine. I believe that someone needs to raise kids before they get to the age I have to use my tax dollars pay for their ass being in prison for because mommy and daddy didn’t love the little fuck enough. As for women being happy as eye candy. Well, I know a lot of people say if you got it flaunt it. Just like Black men “ball till they fall” because they can’t take the money with them, that is a logical sentiment and I can understand that. However, if you ARE going to decide to use your body to get what you want whether it be money, free drinks or attention remember that with great power comes great responsibility. Women (and several Black celebs) believe in the credo “all the power with no responsibility” because it seems that they want to be catty and petty about other women and be able to judge others freely but when people question them they are “insulting their freedom as a woman.” I have to call bullshit on that. Your freedom as a woman doesn’t mean wantonly freejacking with your clothes off all over the club like your name is Mick Jagger but when someone takes a picture you have been “violated.” If you use the freedom of getting drunk and acting stupid in front of a group of guys, you have to understand and accept the responsibility of the fact that the video of your asshatery will end up on “Girls Gone Wild.” Just like I know that I have the freedom to wear all red to look fashionable, but I understand and accept the responsibility that some random niggas may not appreciate me all up in they hood in the wrong colors. Fair? Not really. Reality. You got that right. Until you respect yourself enough to wear some clothes, no one will.

Reason #3: Women Are The New Black Because….They Don’t Respect Each Other.

This rolls right back into reason number two. You know how the big thing in the 1990’s was “stop black on black crime?” Did it ever really stop? I mean honestly, Black people spend more time hating other Black people than they ever do hating the White man. I will be the first to admit that. Not only that, Black people not only not respect themselves or each other but they try as hard as they can to make sure other Blacks don’t succeed. Hip Hop beefs, anyone? Hell, look at how many Black women don’t like Barack Obama. They would rather vote for a Black man with a WHITE WIFE than a Black man with a BLACK WIFE. For the slow, that is a joke on how niggas would always say that Bill Clinton was the first Black president. If you missed that, I’m sorry but I keeps it funny. The Haterade that flows in the Black community is enough to hydrate all of Africa (Although all the electrolytes would give them the energy to keep fucking and spreading AIDS so maybe that isn’t the best idea) and is only outdone by one section of people.

WOMEN

I have never met a pettier, snider, conniving and pure hateful and mean set of people in my life….except Koreans. And Korean women….you may as well just stop and get your stuff and leave because they are crazy. I kid, they are great sometimes. I have never seen a group of people that hate each other more than women. And for no good reason, either! I dated a girl in college that DESPISED her best friend because she thought she was a whore. Now what was even more funny is that this was after we started talking again after she cheated (Yeah, I am kind of a punk) and I thought to myself “Her promiscuity aside…you are a cheater. Wouldn’t that default make you a bigger whore?” Now I never asked that question because I wasn’t as ballsy then as I am now but where is the logic in that? A woman that has cheated on her boyfriend thinks a woman that has had multiple sexual partners but not “boyfriends” is a whore. Is that just semantics or plain stupidity?

You see, a friend of mine told me that women are perpetually unhappy. They HAVE to have something to hate (God…just like Black people. I AM GOOD!) because women don’t have this little thing called “logic.” Now they know OF logic, but the usage of it is foreign much like the usage of emotions are new territory for about 90% of men unless it is anger, horny or angorny (or the emotion that drives bukkake and the rest of the Japanese porn industry). So women have to be mad about something for the attention and the creation of drama. Since men try to avoid drama at all costs and just invest in jewelry/flowers/gifts to steer that train of illogical woman emotional treachery down another track (I meet it head on like Bruce Banner. HULK SMASH YOUR ILLOGICAL STUPIDITY WITH BRAIN POWER!) the only way women can unleash their misplaced unhappiness is other women. Much like niggas place their anger about being lazy shit on other niggas. Hence….a nigga moment. Therefore, women’s main nemesis is other women because they are the only ones that will go down the ratholes they go. Not only that, they are the only ones that understand their illogical thought processes….just like niggas. Man, this is GOLD.

Reason #4: Women Are The New Black Because….Only They Get Each Other.

At the end of the day, women claim to be complex creatures. The truth is, you are not. Women are simple to read and simple to understand because just think of the most logical thing to do and they will think the EXACT OPPOSITE. That thought process literally has helped me understand women at about an 88% clip. Sad but true. Zach can attest to this point because he has taken Women’s Studies classes as much as I have. However, I actually had to interact with them outside of class in several events and projects because I was part of the women’s awareness group at school. After listening to them, I learned that women have to hang out with other women because they don’t make any real sense….except to other women. That is why they hate each other so much because they know no one else really understands them but they are by nature an unhappy breed so they end up at each others throats more often than not. Just like Black men in the streets. They know no one thinks that selling drugs is a legitimate form of work except for others in the streets…but they gotta make that cheddar too.

Guys, you ever sit back and listen to two women talk about something and you wonder how two people can both have such an illogical view on the same subject that isn’t based on any rational thought whatsoever? Because women thrive on conformity. They need to be in a pack in order to be appreciated or need to be the center of attention in order to feel needed. That is why women travel in packs and when one breaks off after a guy is talking to her they all wander around like wolves that lost the alpha male. They NEED each other. At the same time, they are thinking of ways to off that bitch so that someone else can take lead position. See: “Mean Girls.” Even though women will always call men dogs and whatnot, it is obvious that women are more in need of the group support than men are. They are in need of affirmation of decisions (usually bad) and they will only get that from women or dudes that want to hit it. As one who has given up on sex as a whole (too many…or too few bad experiences, I guess) I have no real reason to care what a woman thinks of me so if they ask me something about anything I will let them know no matter whether it hurts their feelings or not. Now that alienates me from a lot of people but I have a great corps or peeps that I am down to right for. Now some women are okay with hearing the truth because no matter what, a woman is going to do what they want to anyway because they run under the “I am a woman, so I can!” ideal that results in so many bad things happening. When those things happen, I stop and say “did you need to be in that situation?” For a woman, the situation doesn’t matter; all they care about is the end result. That is an insane process of rationality (It is like the Underpants Gnome Theory) which women pretty much THRIVE ON. In parallel, Black people live on the “Wish Theory” as in “I wish a nigga would” as Cedric the Entertainer so eloquently put it. Since I don’t live by that concept, I rarely get along with Black people. Since I believe that rational thought trumps baseless emotional processes (“I can cheat because its my right and all men cheat” which sounds eerily like “I am Black so I can be racist because all White people are racist” because both make no fucking sense unless you are full of estrogen or high…which women and niggas are both respectively) the only person that will understand a woman’s jacked up point of view is a woman. Or a nigga. It’s why they date. Black women….now you know. And YOUR WELCOME!

Reason #5: Women Are The New Black Because….Both Are Fashion Misfits.

Man, you have no idea how true this is. Two words: Soulja Boy. The man looks like HR Puffenstuff ate him, threw him up and then coughed up some extra bile to make his ugly ass glasses. As a matter of fact, go to the mall. Right now. The Black mall, not the white one. Then, just look at the fashions of Black males and any female. Go ahead, I’ll wait. I will watch some Kelun:

Now THAT’S music. You back? What did you see? A bunch of color clashing mouthbreathers with ugly sunglasses and tacky coats. Now I will admit I have some big sunglasses but I don’t look like Bono mated with a retarded muppet. Have you seen how women dress now days? They look like a stripper with poor color selection. You don’t think that is enough for me to say that women are just like niggas? Well, lets break it down like this. Both niggas and bitches love:

1. Sunglasses: I will admit, I like sunglasses. But both women and Black dudes have an asinine amount of sunglasses. And they always have to tell you about them. Whether it be “OMG, look at my new sunglasses!” or “Nigga, check this shit out!” they both love them more than…actual fashion
2. Regular Glasses: Now I believe that women wear them not because they need them (You ever seen them drive?) but because they think that glasses make them look smarter and cancel out all the whore in them. Wow, the whoriest women I knew wore glasses. Better to see the wang with, I guess. Oh, and niggas love glasses because it makes them look credible as a rapper or a defendant. Or both. Gangstas don’t wear glasses!
3. Long shirts: The only difference is that thugs wear long white shirts as shirts. Women wear them like they are clothing. Just so you know, a long shirt isn’t a skirt; it is just a long shirt. Put on some fucking pants; quit being a fashion deficient dipshit.
4. Shoes: Once again, I am all about this. But niggas don’t have any functional shoes. You cant wear S-Dots or G-Unit sneakers to work. And if you can, get a real fucking job. As for women: if your shoes hurt your feet; don’t wear them. That simple. You may think those heels are cute, but they really say “swallowing is extra!” They are called hooker boots and stripper heels for a reason. You don’t want to be known as one, don’t wear them. When I wore all red I was thought to be a Blood even though I wasn’t. Same fucking thing.
5. Belts: Niggas wear belt buckles that have an LED scroll. Women wear belts that don’t hold up their pants. Both non-purpose, both non-functional, both fucking stupid.
6. Jewelry: Don’t even GET me started. Do the words “bling bling” ring a bell? At least niggas get on the grind for their money. Dealing drugs, making repetitive rap beats, catching touchdowns. Hey work for it. Women expect that shit to be given to them. Wow, I guess niggas got a one up on the ladies.
7. Tattoos: Oy vey. Ladies….a tattoo on the small of the back is not original. No matter what the art, I don’t give a fuck if you dug up Di Vinci, reanimated him and held a gun to his head while he recreated the Sistine Chapel on your waistline. Its not original, you are a conformist. Just admit it and stop lying to yourself and acting like you are “sooooo unique.” Lying hussy. Same for niggas. Getting tattoos on your stomach aren’t sexy and they aren’t “street.” They are fucking stupid and look stupid, too. Spend the money from that tattoo and buy some books.

Oh, I am SO NOT DONE WITH TATTOOS! This is a big point of contention with me, not because people get them. If you want to mutilate your body, be my guest. My irritation is how women and niggas act like it is such a form of individuality and self expression. Um…it isn’t. It is a branding of conformity. You want to be an individual, staple a ferret to your head. You want to follow with the crowd? Get a tattoo. Also, of you get (Or have) any of the following tattoos:

• A butterfly (ESPECIALLY ON A DUDE. That reeks of gay, and I have seen six dudes kissing five dudes. Ladies….just no. Seriously…just no)
• Picture of a relative (Dead or alive. Your tattoo aint bringing them back from the dead. If it did, it would be shot in the head because then they would be a zombie and they eat brains. Congrats, you are infecting people with the T-Virus because of your lame ass memoriam)
• Any religious symbols or icons (I am sure when Jesus was nailed to the plank, he was saying “Man, I hope some ignorant ass niggas and women insecure in their whoredom get tattoos of me! On their back!” See, when you think about that, it doesn’t make the crucifix on your spine seem like such a logical decision on how to remember the third greatest fictional character of all time. Logic, peeps. It’s spreading.
• Kanji or characters (Listen here and listen good. The Japanese don’t get the word “death” or “life” tattoos on their asscrack in English. Please give them the same courtesy. I love the Asian culture as much as the next anime & j-pop fan but I don’t have “BANKAI” tattooed on me for a reason. It’s plain stupid.
• Roses/Tribal (If people have these and the JUST GOT THEM I believe you should have legal right to actually staple barbed wire or thorns into their arms. It would hurt about the same and hopefully you would catch a blood infection and die. Because you would deserve it for getting a tattoo that was only cool in the late 90’s by brain-dead Marines and strippers.
• Your Own Design: I Touched on this earlier. It is NOT your design; it has been done by someone on this planet of SIX BILLION FUCKING PEOPLE! Unless you get a tattoo of a pirate riding on a winged grizzly bear that is breathing fire while said pirate is having sex with three geishas with gummi bears for nipples and the bear is attacking a five headed Hydra being rode by Roy Orbison high on smack and holding a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 while tossing off a drunken transvestite dressed as the Statue of Liberty singing “Lost In Your Eyes” by Debbie Gibson while Debbie Gibson is actually there giving some rimwork to said transvestite all in Wembley Stadium with fireworks and Foreigner playing in the background on a sea of tapioca pudding…you don’t have an original design. And I am sure someone has THAT, which would actually be pretty bad ass.

In closing, women have taken on all the traits of niggas just like bros have taken on all the traits of the insecurites of women. In the end, there is one thing that women, niggas and bros all love: Lil Jon.

I will admit….I will miss him when he is in prison. Overall women and niggas are the same people. It is why interracial dating is on the rise. You gotta love who loves you, and since they all have the same faults it is a match made in heaven. Now that they have found love, what are they gonna do? With it? Anyway, if you are a Black woman…you are kind of on the outside looking in. There is always Asians!

Well, that pretty much sums it up. If you disagree with this then you are either a dumb bitch or a nigga and either way need to STOP BEING A DUMBASS. It cures alot of shit. I will be back with the Countdown on Friday and a recap of my first week of work odds are on Sunday night. Stay up, ya'll and bundle up! It's gonna be a cold night so get by the fire!

Chachi Out