What is up, bitches?! It is another lazy Sunday and I am doing a little bit of laundry and cleaning before I go out and run a few errands. I may run to Denver for some new cologne (Acqua Di Gio just feels a little too bro for me now that they sell it at Macy’s. I don’t want to give off the scent) but I may wait until next weekend for that.
With that being said, last night I went to Black Pegusus’s (Black Pegusi? Black Pegusese?) record release party to watch Teq perform and needless to say, it was okay. It was nice to see a good Cutting Crew sample (80’s ROCK BITCHES!) and a shout out to Animaniacs (Which no one GOT which made me want to kill some people) from his set. However, whoever went on after him and before Black P really personified suck in the flesh form. It was like Soulja Boy formed and as each clone came out they became gradually stupider until they became White and Puerto Rican. Shit went downhill from there.
So much like children and their own meals & channels, this whole phenomenon with making songs “for the ladies” and then proceed into “Bitch Show Yo Panties And Drop It” has become really fucking stating to make me want to kill their parents. What is even worse is that women do that shit which is why I will never EVER vote for a female president. Two Long Islands at a White House dinner and she is getting tag teamed by Kofi Annan and Muhmammayomammajhad….Belladonna style. At least with Obama, he may go straight thug and knock the fuck out of Hugo Chavez for stepping on his “Bathing Apes”.
From now on, with every dumb action people should lose their rights. For every mullet, white men should lose the right to bear arms. Every time a woman shakes her booty meat (Sorry, Zach but that shit is too funny to no use) she should lose her right to vote for an election. For every day a Black man wears grillz, one day in the field picking that cotton. Oh, and Mexicans….no more leaning like a cholo. It’s stupid and it’s stupid.
For every Mexican that does that, one of you that are legal gets sent back to Mexico. Harsh punishments but it’s the only way the stupid learn.
So back to the show. I have decided to help out hip hop and hip hop fans this week with a few rules to having fun and making good music. After last night….I realized that sometimes hip hop can be awesome while other times it makes me want to piss on their dogs. So now, to make hip hop better and help you have an enjoyable time at your next hip hop show, here are…
Diddy’s Rules For Good Hip Hoppity Fun!
Rule #1: Quit Telling The Crowd What To Do.
Listen, if I want to put my motherfucking hands up, I WILL PUT MY MOTHERFUCKING HANDS UP! I will do it when I am goddamned ready, fuckface! Also, maybe I don’t want to make noise? Maybe I want to hear the goddamn song! Let me enjoy the concert fucking, asshat! I don’t need your demands every two seconds!
Rule #2: Women, Stop Dressing Like Whores.
Seriously.
If you don’t want dudes harassing you, dress like you got some damn sense. It’s that fucking simple. Also, there is no fucking need to shake your ass in my face when I am sitting down. You think it’s sexy, I think it’s fucking rude. Speaking of dancing…
Rule #3: If You Can’t Dance….Don’t.
Trust me, it saves a lot of problems. Grinding on a man’s junk isn’t dancing just as much as the Soulja Boy isn’t dancing. It keeps you from having to get groped on and it keeps niggas from shooting you because you smudged their Pumas:
Man….that kind of says it all. If they had cornbread at hip hop shows, violence would drop by about 75%. Cornbread is good ass eatin.
Rule #4: Never Say Fuck The Police.
Come on….I mean really. Do you WANT to get your ass kicked on GP? As long as you are white and loved the Police Academy movies the police are here to protect and serve. If you aren’t…FOLLOW THE FUCKING LAW! The fact is that if a police officer wanted to whoop your ass, he or she would just do so no matter what. So don’t give them a reason to! That way if they DO beat your ass for doing nothing you can collect a fat ass check.
Rule #5: Nigga Is Okay….In Context.
Okay, first off I am cutting down on my usage of the word nigga. I only say it when reciting rap lyrics or talking to Griff, but that is because we boys and we Black so we can do that. White people need to let it the fuck go. I mean seriously, you shouldn’t want to say the fucking word anyway. I mean at what point do you need to say it anyway? It’s not like white people are always in situations where you need to use the word any-damn-way. How could you use it?
• “Damn, it’s hotter than a nigga outside!”
• “Man, that touchdown was nigga-tastic!”
• “You tried the gourmet cheese? It’s nigga-licious!”
• “ I just got back from the doctor, man. I got nigga-simplex-titis Black.”
• “Nigga, you gay.”
Now unless you are actually IN situations like that (which you never will be) you shouldn’t need to use the word anyway. Just because Blacks use it doesn’t mean you can, should or want to. So shut the fuck up, life is nigga-riffic! That being said, Black people….nigga is not the new “Smurf.” That is all. Stop using it unless you are singing “Don’t Trust Them New Niggas Over There.”
Those are just few rules to live by to make your next hip hop show experience a great one! Oh, and one last things. It is time for my annual tradition of bringing words back! So real quick, I give to you:
Diddy’s Vernacalistics of 2008!
Alrighty, here we go!
Instead of Shawty, Bitch, Ho, etc: Roni
SHE’S MY ONLY LOOOOOOVE! Ah, Bobby Brown. Nothing says love like a Bobby Brown song…and some crack. Seriously, this was a word that never got a run in the 80’s because it was an era dominated by light skins and you know how I feel about them cats. Now, I’m bringing it back. So fellas, you know a lady that makes you feel special inside and you want to tell her how you feel, you don’t call her shawty or ladyparts. You call that girl a roni. The sexy, sexy treat.
Instead of Cut, Fuck, Bang, etc: L.S.G.
I can name two woman (and sadly only two because most of the other women I know are either taken upset me to the point of shaking them like a crying baby) I want to go L.S.G. on. But WHOM! That is the mystery! It’s not Kimmy, she made her intentions very clear after my third abortion. Abortsia? Abortions? Aborteri? Either way, I find saying L.S.G. a lot better than saying fuck. Then when people say “What’s L.S.G.?” you can say “Because I want to be all over that body like Gerald LeVert on a pork chop.” Okay, that is fucked up because he is dead but still. That is almost as good as “I got a hedgehog in my pocket” when I met Ron Jeremy. I so should have told him that!
More coming soon! Also, I need to get running on Douchebrawl! I am a week late already, so I will have it up next Sunday. I promise! Until then, stay up peeps!
Diddy Out. (Thought I told you that I wouldn’t stop!)
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