Oh, It's Ladies Night, And The Gamings Right!

What is up, peeps! I’m home, baby. I hope you all missed me! Sorry I wasn’t up over the last three days, but xbox360 and American Idol had me distracted. Still do, actually.

I don’t care what anyone says, Rumble Roses XX is a marvel of technology. I know I bashed this game a while back and everything I said was true: great eye candy that glosses over an average fighting game with very little reward. I have to take that last part back because I got Rowdy Reiko and Becky yesterday and….yummy. For Reiko anyway (that is one hot set of polygons), I don’t like cheerleaders but Becky’s intro kicks ass:

Now I know this game is perverted. You know what? Fuck off, I NEED THIS! After giving up porn and stopping with the ‘One Person Sexy Time’ this is the only interaction with a woman I can get. Let’s face it, who hasn’t wanted to deliver a brain buster suplex to a woman that broke your heart? I know I have. Besides, I don’t expect women to really dress like this, it’s a VIDEO GAME and an entertaining one at that. Just don’t expect Soul Caliber III or Street Fighter III 3rd Impact. Oh, and can I say that Miss Spencer is frickin’ HAWT in her Superstar outfit?

My god, if teachers looked like that when I was still in school I so would have learned more. Can I get a whoop-whoop?! You know…I haven’t done a Top Ten in a while, so it is about that time! So today I give you the…

Chachi’s Top 20 Video Game Hawties of All Time!

Yeah, you know it. First off, let it be known that this is just me and who I think is a video game hawtie. I couldn’t fit every lady on here and some I don’t find all that hot some honorable mentions!

Paine (Final Fantasy X-2, one goth chick I am totally digging.)
Sarah (Virtua Fighter Series, have you SEEN Virtua Fighter 5? DAAAAAAMN!)
Ivy (Soul Caliber 2, mainly because I won an online tournament with her once.)
Blaze (Streets of Rage, shorts skirts + kicking high = Genesis greatness!)
Lulu (Final Fantasy X, not even the boobs, it’s the voice. Just….hells yeah)
Joanna Dark (Perfect Dark, the N64 one not the X-Box 360 mindfuck)
Christy (Tekken 4, what can I say I like Brazilians. Sans the AIDS, of course)
Alis Landale (Phantasy Star, one of the pioneers of leading ladies in video games)
Rayne (Bloodrayne, I hate this game but the masses like it so she gets a mention)
Miss Spencer (Oh yeah…I am definitely “hot for teacher”)

And AWAAAAAAAY we go!

20. Mai Shiranui (King of Fighters Series)

I’m not sure of this, but she may have been the first game character to have pixels specifically for her bouncing breasts. SAD. But a kick ass character. Fell some spots because of that shitty ass anime movie though. Then they made like 3 more or something, but she got naked in them if you are into that kind of thing.
19. Aya Brea (Parasite Eve)

You know, no one knows about this game. Back when Squaresoft could release ‘shit in a box’ (or as I called it SaGa Frontier. OH, NO I DI-ENT!) and it sell, this game featured a hottie in the lead role that had the SuperAIDS or something. Plot was meh, game was actually cool and Aya was hot. REAL hot. For an animated character, I mean.
18. Taki (Soul Caliber)

Female ninjas are hot. Hell, I may have been sexed up by one. You would never know if you had, they are that fast and that good. Sadly, her jubblies jiggle in the game. You know, technology rules yet pushes us back. Did I mention female ninjas are HAWT?
17. Quistis Trepe (Final Fantasy VIII)

A hot tottie not many people know about. I LOVED FFVIII (except the shitty card game) and Quistis was one of the main reasons I played it. She was smart, hot and was the only character I got up to level 99 when I beat the game. I wish she wasn’t blond but you cant win them all. Besides, ladies + glasses = hawt. Simple math.
16. Jade (Beyond Good & Evil)

This is a game I am having trouble finding. But from what I have seen, she is nice. She isn’t half dressed (shows some tummy but that is about it) and she uses a camera as her weapon. I know a use for that camera, baby. We can go take pictures of woodland animals. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!
15. Elise (SSX)

News flash: SSX is the greatest snowboarding game ever. I wanted to put Kaori here but I am trying to but the Kandice theory that I am obsessed with Japanese women. Elise is Canadian. Best thing that came from there since Bryan Adams.
14. Chun Li (Street Fighter Alpha 2)

The original fighting game babe. I for one HATED Chun Li in the arcade mainly because she had no fireball and I was all about winning. It wasn’t until Alpha when she got a fireball (albeit LAME) and that skin-tight outfit that she became my SF lady.
13. Rikku (FFX-2)

Aaaahhhh, yeah! Gimme that J-A-I-L-B-A-I-T! Rikku is hella hot and yes I know how old she is and I don’t care. She is animated for one and if she didn’t want my attention she wouldn’t call to me wearing that skirt and those braids. Oh, and to the Rikku at NDK….I love you. I love you more than I love pie. Cherry, not pecan.
12. Katsumi (Dead or Alive series)

She kicks high, she bounces and she is a ninja. Nuff’ fucking said.
11. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider Legends Version)

Okay, first off I have hated every Tomb Raider game including the first one. They were never fun until Tomb Raider Legends. Oh, and did I mention that Lara looked hella fine in this? Nothing that the X-Box 360 processing power cant fix. Like smooth, milky skin. That I wanna touch…KIDDING!
10. Yuna (Final Fantasy X-2)

Okay, I am going to hear some shit about this. You tell me that she aint hot in that songstress outfit and I will call you a damned dirty liar. If you were at NDK and you saw the cosplay Yuna…hells yeah. Too bad she was like 17 if that. And she was with the worlds gayest Luigi which is hard to do because Luigi is already the ass-pounding king of the Mushroom Kingdom. Even still, Yuna is hot.
9. Kurenai (Red Ninja: End of Honor)

I already told you! Female ninjas are hot! Especially ones that can behead your ass with the swiftness. And wear only the top half of a kimono. You know how I feel about the kimono. And I don’t mean the dragon. Insert lame penis joke here. I’m not going to.
8. Yuffie Kisaragi (FFVII)

Oy vey, another hawt Japanese lady that is assuring me jail time. God damn you, Squaresoft! Man, I am LUCKY she is a video game character because if she wasn’t and she dressed like she did in Advent Children MY GOD. My life officially sucks. Oh, and to the Yuffie at NDK…I’d so wreck that.
7. Princess Peach (Super Mario Brothers)

The original! Something about a woman in a gown kind of….does it for me. Although I wasn’t about saving her every damn level (pick a castle, stay in it), she made it worth it. Oh, and the digs big dudes. Hells yeah.
6. Samus (Metroid Series)

Who knew that underneath that cold, metal battle armor was a beautiful lady that wanted to save us all? Samus is on point and can pilot a battle armor like no ones business. To me, piloting battle armor is hot. Says a lot about a woman that she can destroy a giant brain. Too bad the kids will be FREAKS.
5. Sakura (Street Fighter 2 Alpha)

Okay….alright. I have finally joined the club. I am NOT a fan of the Catholic schoolgirl outfit (Because I don’t like Catholics) but the Japanese schoolgirl/sailor outfit has finally made a fan out of me. Add in the fact that women that throw projectiles and Dragon Punch make me a little happy and that is why Sakura is up here. Oh, and she is Japanese so yeah I do have a LITTLE bit of a preference. Sue me.
4. Aeris (FFVII)

Now for the shocker. How come Aeris isn’t #1 you say? She’s dead, dude. And I aint into that. I am a Doctor of Necromancies, not a Doctor of Necrophilia. I will admit that when Aeris was ALIVE she was quite the hawtie. She gave her life for the planet but in the end…she kind of played Cloud like a sap. That is not cool! Oh, and something about that outfit of hers screams ‘You know you want this’. It’s be cause I do.
3. Reiko Hinamoto (Rumble Roses)

God….DAMN. She is the only reason I play Rumble Roses (Yes, I own BOTH games. I NEED THIS!). I mean look at the outfit. It is functional, fashionable and whoa Nellie is it saucy! With the top that just says “I’m ready for business, and business is BOOMING” and the shorts unzipped ever so slightly that show the ‘Zero’ on the undies (Because that is the chance I would have of ever getting a date with her because I ain’t got no flava!) she is hot and ready to hurt! To top it off, those shorts are on the tight end, but STILL cover more than what I have seen in the club. Oh, and she is actually a very balanced character, too. Overall….I love you, Reiko. In all your polygonal rendered glory.
2. Tifa (FFVII)

WHAT?! Tifa is at #2?! How in the hell?! I will tell you how in the hell: I am not a fan of the over-the-top ta-ta’s. Now I know Reiko is packing the heat but they aint over-the-counter if you get my drift (unlike Aisha’s and Dixie’s which are the size of a fucking Mini Cooper and twice as disgusting looking). Tifa in the original FFVII was just….I was not a fan. It was a reason I was such a fan of Aeris for a while (Who may not be packing, but was Mandy Moore before Mandy Moore was Mandy Moore. Holy shit, I have found the actress for the eventual live-action movie!). Until I saw Final Fantasy: Advent Children and saw the new and improved Tifa. All I can say is damn. After getting hit on by two at NDK (Albeit their COMBINED age didn’t equal mine) I must say…yes. Even with all the video game hotness that is Tifa…she is not my #1…
1. Jill Valentine (Resident Evil 3)

Mmmm….I know I am referring to Jill in the tube top and skirt in RE3 (the second best RE game in my opinion behind RE4 and slightly ahead with Code Veronica, IMHO) but Jill was hot in EVERY GAME. Something about a woman shooting the heads off of zombies, kicking undead dogs in the face and firing a rocket launcher are H-O-T to me. She has the ‘girl next door that will fire an acid grenade at a giant spider for you’ look going on. Nothing says love like a woman that will kill a giant spider for you. Beauty, brains (Picking locks and solving crank puzzles? Can she get any hotter?!) and blowing up Nemesis put her as the Hawtest Video Game Lady…..EVER!

Now I am not leaving the ladies out. I will do the Top 20 Bishie Hawt Game Characters Ever either Thursday or Sunday! You can guarantee Hitsugaya is going be there. Fuck you, he has only been in Japanese games but he’s a cutie!

American Idol Update!!

Lastly, I think Blake’s sorry ass is going to win American Idol. People have asked why I despise Blake so much. Well, first off he looks like a mouth-breather. Second off, sorry old schoolers but beat-boxing has always be dumb. The fact he is doing it is STILL dumb because he is trying to bring back something that was never really all that cool to start off with. Lastly, he really can’t sing. He butchered Robin Thicke’s “Can I Get You Alone” and let’s just leave his vocal rape of “This Love” by Maroon 5 out of this. The fact is that over the last few weeks, his performances have always been better than someone not as good or having an off day. Aside from the Phil and Chris fiasco (in which America fucked up BIG TIME) he has been the best of the worst. None of these people are original (Jordan = Kimberly Locke, Melinda = Kimberly Locke, Blake = Retarded flipper baby/Clay Aiken hybrid) but he is the least original of the bunch. Remember when Justin did beat boxing? He stopped after one song. Why? IT SUCKS! So does he. Jordin is gone, it will be Melinda vs. J-Tim Vista Basic. Sigh, democracy DOESN’T WORK.

Well, that is all for now peeps. I will either be back tomorrow or Friday for the Countdown. Will nobodyknows+ hold on to #1 for a third week? Until then, stay up peeps!

Chachi Out.

What Am I Gonna Do About My Legs?!

What is up, peeps! Chachi is back on the scene for the first day of the workweek! Hope everyone enjoyed their Mother’s Day (especially Deb, to whom I didn’t say anything to for the first time in a while. I’m sorry!) this past weekend! Now that it’s over, the next big thing is Memorial Day (for which I am planning on a four day weekend!) and you know its PARTY TIME!

So what brings me out of my Monday stupor to post today? The ignorance that is Black people. Now you all know I despise Bill Cosby, not because of his views (which I totally agree with, Blacks need to grow up big time) but his delivery which is coming from someone who created Fat Albert which is SUCH a accurate and positive portrayal of Black youths. I was reading Mediatakeout and they had an article about Charles Barkley talking ignorant. I figured ‘business as usual’ because Charles Barkley is always saying something but I am entertained by Sir Charles like I am by the neighborhood spastic so I had to take a gander. And THIS is what they called ignorant:

Question: In some quarters Barack [Obama] has been criticized for not being black enough.

Well, that's because black people are fucked up. One of the reasons that black people are not going to be successful is because of other black people. We tell black kids that if they make good grades, they are acting white. If they speak well, we tell them that they are acting white. We have a lot of demons in our own closet--in our own family--that we have to address. But first of all, we want black men to be intelligent and articulate and things like that. That's not acting white. That's the way it should be. ... We become our own worst enemy with random black-on-black crime, teen pregnancy, single-parent homes. You know we cannot blaming white America for our ills. Does racism exist? Of course it does. But, at some point, I have to make sure I am educated. I don't have ten kids and no job. I am not killing other black people. At some point, you have to grow up.

Okay, did you read that? Okay good. Non-Black people, at this point I would like you to go ahead and look at the older posts or skip to the bottom. I need to talk to the Black people for a second. It’s cool, we aren’t talking about you. Are they gone? Good. Okay, Black people. Read the above statement again and tell me if there is ANY falsity in that. If you say yes, get your 50 Cent and Nelly CD’s and get the fuck off my blog because you are a moron. Charles is right. I have been saying this since HIGH SCHOOL when I got called ‘White’ and ‘uppity’ because I liked to, oh I don’t know fucking enunciate. The fact is that we don’t like Black people that aren’t in line with the stereotypes because we reinforce them ourselves. I have said it about women for years with the accepting of images in the media and the same thing applies here. By saying that Obama Barack isn’t Black because he is light-skinned (Which is sweet, SWEET irony because I remember when dark-skinned brothers weren’t in. All that changed after New Jack City. Thanks, Wesley!) and uses words not used on BET or the latest Young Jeezy single is self-defeating and just keeps in line that Blacks don’t appreciate shit. Rick James was right; Fuck yo’ couch, nigga! FUCK YO’ COUCH!

Charles Barkley has said some really stupid things but this wasn’t one of them. The fact is that there are several types of Blacks just like there are several types of Whites. Hell, most White people try to be Black ANY-FUCKING-WAY so we are all a mish-mash. Except for Asians. I have been saying they are the new Whites since 2003. I love the fact that there are multiple segments of the Black community. At the same time, there is one that is prevelant and that segement is not only the segment that other races expect but sadly Blacks do, too. That segment is ‘niggers’. Yeah, I said it again. Seriously, when was the last time a ‘nigger’ got anything accomplished? On time, anyway? I’m sorry, but the LAST thing we need is fucking Snoop Dogg or Tony Yayo as President. Well, Tony Yayo is a bully and Gee Dubya is the King of Bullies so that asshat might be a good fit. No, nix that. Obama is just a Black as anyone else out there…except Wesley Snipes. That man in INDIGO. Oh, I went there.

The rest of the article is what pisses me off. No one EVER wants to take themselves to task for their faults. I do it everyday, so I know it can hurt. It makes you feel inadequet and it makes you question yourself and sometimes you question your self-worth. It hurts to come to grips with being overweight, unattractive, jaded or not living up to your potential (which I am guilty of all of the above) but you know what? Tough shit, you need to work it out and fix it if you can. Black people need to accept the fact that yes White people may have put you in a bad situation from their past actions, but your INACTION and the lack of motivation of the Black community as a whole is what keeps you there. If you follow the steps to get to the point of being able to succeed (get out of ‘trap house’ and get a real fucking job, go to school and get an education) and YOU STILL can’t get a job then you can say the man is holding you down. However, if you are sitting on your couch at 2:30 in the afternoon saying that as you watch a National American University commercial then the fault is your own. You can’t blame anyone for your situation but you if you don’t fucking try.

I hate the phrase ‘cleaning up our own closet’. You know why? Sometimes, when you have too much shit in your closet you kind of have to get rid of some of the crap and start with the original stuff you had and add some new items to round it out. The fact is there are some Blacks that don’t care and aren’t going to change. Counting them keys or whatever is fine for them. Having four baby daddy’s with five kids and living on assistance is quite alright for some. Spending money on rims and jewelry instead of investing in a suit is good enough for some. You know what? We don’t need them. They will do nothing but complain on the trip asking ‘Are we there yet’ and ‘Hey, it that Mims? Turn that shit up!’ and we TOTALLY don’t need that on the road to self-respectability. I say focus on the youth, where we still have a chance to fix them and help them see that knowledge is a privilege, not whack (do the kids still say that?). Whites left behind the inbred hillbillies that didn’t vote and drug them down. We need to do the same. They don’t want to change, that is fine. By changing the rest of us they will either stand up or move to the side. The Revolution has no time for niggas because they love to be hate and they hate to hurry!

Oh, and White people. Shut the fuck up. Seriously, you aren’t helping anything by questioning every five minutes whether Obama Barack is actually Black enough. Black people are gullible as hell and you know it. No Black person questions Hillary’s femininity (and boy….it is questionable) or the mental state of John McCain (who RULES but is bordering on Ross Perot levels of insanity about the war) or the sexiness of John Edwards (he is a Presidential hottie!) so quit throwing salt in Obama’s game. Whites may be the biggest cock-blockers in the history of the world because if you put Obama against Skelator…err…Dick Cheney he would SO WIN because he doesn’t look like he just brutally ate 10 puppies for sustenance. Don’t even get me started on Guliani’s crazy ass, he looks like he is trying to find the Smurfs and turn them into gold. The only people hating on Obama more than Black people are White people. Stop hatin, bitches! Unlike Hispanics, they love Obama. Obama es muy bueno! Si!

In closing:

Black People: Get a grip and grow the fuck up.
White People: Quit hatin! You bunch of sucka emcees!
Asian People: You guys are the new White. Run with that shit!
Hispanic People: Remember: Dick Cheney kidnaps small Hispanic children for their souls. Don’t vote for him. Okay, that may or may not be true. For this, I am saying it is.

That was my rant for today. Had to get that out, it had actually been bugging me for about a month or so. Sad, seeing as I only have two Black friends (Griff and Carl) for the most part so my rants are doing a non-service. Eh, thems the breaks. Well, I am out for now. I may be back up tomorrow. I bid thee adieu. See, no one says adieu. Or tomfoolery. *sigh* I’m a dork.

Chachi Out.
(Note: I am aware the Player on the side for the Countdown isnt working. Fileden has upload restrictions so I am working on it. I will have it back up as soon as I can.)

Don't Call It A Comback! I've Been Here For...16 Months or So...

Yeah, Chachi is back. Deuce is here to stay, but this is Chachi's fucking show and he likes rainbows and snapdragons and little kittens playing with babies. Wait...nah I think that works. Any-fucking-way, it is yet another Friday and you know what time it be. It be’s time for the…

Top 20 Video Countdown!

Got some debuts and few suprises for this kick ass Friday, let’s get this party started with some hip hop, shall we!

20. Game feat. Kanye West – Wouldn’t Get Far (Last Week #17)
We begin this week with a video on its way out of the Top 20. The Game has been one of the few successful hip hop acts on the Countdown with three Top Five videos but he has yet to capture that #1 spot. Here is to hoping for something new soon! Oh, and to end that ridiculous crap with Fiddy. I hate that silverback bastard.
19. Abingdon Boys School – Howling (New Entry)

FUCK YES! Now THIS is how you make a video! Little known fact: every time I hear this song…I fill the cup a little. It is that damn bad ass. I have been waiting for a new video since ‘Innocent Sorrow’ and this is an awesome follow-up.
18. Fall Out Boy – Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (Last Week #20)
*Sigh* Yes I like Fall Out Boy now. This song is catchy as hell and actually makes some sort of sense. Unlike their first album. My GOD was that thing annoying. I’m not a fan of chimps in videos (kind of got played out in the 80’s) but still, good watching right here.
17. Bennie K – 1001 Nights (Last Week #14)
So I finally got a copy of the live Bennie K ‘Japan-a-rhythm’ show and all I can say is Yuki is so damn fine. Along with Kumi Koda, she was the original that got me into my love of the beauty that is Japanese women. Koreans ladies kind of look alike (tell me BoA wont look like Hyori Lee when she is 30 with a straight face) but you can tell the difference between Kumi and Yuki. I cannot WAIT for the album!
16. M-Flo feat. Crystal Kay – Love Don’t Cry (Last Week #16)

With both of these artists having new videos, their team up stays at #16 this week. M-Flo has had a fantastic year (four videos in the Top 20) while it is nice to see Crystal Kay back (haven’t seen her since Kirikuni). Oh, and Crystal Kay you are a saucy woman. I’m just saying….I’m single. You’re single. Let’s do this.
15. Yui – My Generation (Last Week #18)
Once again, Yui slowly makes her way up the Top 20. She has ANOTHER video out but it is a ballad and I aint about that no more. No more sad songs for me. Besides, this video is pretty cool and the song is pretty good once you get some listens under your belt. It’s no ‘Rolling Star’ but like Zach said, few songs are.
14. Namie Amuro – Funky Town (Last Week #13)
No! Namie falls a spot this week with this video. I guess it’s just not funky enough for me. It is really hard to follow up ‘Baby, Don’t Cry’. I mean, UVERworld followed up ‘Chance!’ with SHAMROCK and Nelly Furtado followed up ‘Man-eater’ with ‘Say It Right’ but those are few and far between. I still love you, Namie!
13. Daughtry – It’s Not Over (Last Week #12, two weeks at #1)
American Idol update! Fuck you, America. Blake needs to go home. Now. I am through playing around, I do NOT want to have to mail that fucker a mountain lion. I am saving that for Nick Cannon. I am saying this right now. If Blake wins American Idol, I am going to have to go to whatever hell hole he lives in and kidnap a pet or loved one until he forfeits. This is bullshit. He isn’t better than Phil, LaKisha or even Chris. And you KNOW how much I didn’t like THAT fucktard. GOD DAMN IT I AM THROUGH PLAYING AROUND OVER HERE!
12. Orange Range – Ika Summer (Last Week #15)

Ah, something to calm me down. Actually, this song makes me hyper as all hell. I love this song and the video has finally grown on me. Orange Range is kind of an acquired taste (they are all over the place musically) but I’m all over the place so I guess that’s why I like them. My god, I want to see a live show of these guys.
11. K-OS – Sunday Morning (Last Week #9)
After a brief stint in the Top 10, K-OS falls outside and down to #11. It was a good run for his first time out and not being all over the place like so artists. Even still, a bad ass video.
10. Rascal Flats – Stand (Last Week #11)
Well, we have a country video in the Top 10. I mean they have been here before, but even still it is an oddity seeing as the only country I can tolerate is The Wreckers, mainly because of that fine ass Michelle Branch. I likes her. I’m telling you, the way to taming my jaded and angry heart is acoustic guitar.
9. Three Days Grace – Never Too Late (Last Week #7)

After a slow rise to the Top Five, TDG is making a slow decline down the Countdown and is on the verge of falling out of the Top 10. It is about time for something new from these guys.
8. Maroon 5 – Makes Me Wonder (Last Week #10)
Duran Duran lives! Adam Levine is SOOOO dreamy! Almost as dreamy as Simon Le Bon. ALMOST. Anyone know when the Maroon 5 album is coming out, by the way? I needs me a copy.
7. Kumi Koda – Get Up & Move! (Last Week #8)
So my lady love moves up another spot this week. She also has a new single coming out in June (Which means I will be coming out in June. To get the CD, a-holes!) and I cannot wait. Here is a hope that it is a sequel to ‘Juicy’. My god…just thinking about it makes me want to be a bottle in my next life. Nah, I’m good.
6. John Legend – PDA (We Just Don’t Care) (Last Week #5, four weeks at #1)
For the first time in two months, John Legend falls out of the Top 5. This song is still good, but since I am angry at life now no love songs for me. I keeps it angry and bitter! Well, we are into the Top 5!
5. UVERworld – Zero no Kotae (Last Week #3)
UVERworld falls two spots this week, but I have huge news. UVERWORLD HAS A NEW VIDEO AND SINGLE! ‘Endscape’ should be on a music video channel (that we can’t SEE thank you very much FuckCast Cable!) near you soon! It is VERY kick ass and I cannot wait! Until then, Zero no Kotae falls out of the Top 3.
4. Yuna Ito – I’m Here (Last Week #6)
Just short of the Top Three sits my new lady love, up two spots this week to #4. I am still trying to find more episodes of Unfair (the movie/show this song is from) but the first episode was BAD ASS. Oh, and Yuna Ito is quite the fine. I mean REALLY quite the fine. We are into the Top Three videos in the Galaxy, minus Neptune.
3. Yui – CHE.R.RY (Last Week #2, one week at #1)

Yui holds on this week, slipping only one spot to #3. I like this video still (and Yui is my baby boo, and you will refer to her as such) but this song…screw it. I aint saying shit, just know that it’s the same reason I had a vendetta against Bi a few months ago. IT’S ABOUT A WOMAN ALRIGHT, YOU HAPPY NOW?!
2. Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend (Last Week #4)

Wow….never thought I would see THIS day. Avril Lavigne is one step away from the coveted #1 Spot. Hard to believe that at one point I really considered punching this woman in the baby maker. Now…I am a tad bit smitten by Avril and I DON’T KNOW WHY! FUCK! I am kind of manic depressive with massive mood swings and delusions of grandeur and megalomaniacal tendencies. Eh, that’s just me. Now, to the #1 video!
1. nobodyknows+ - Hero’s Come Back! (Last Week #1, two weeks at #1)

Yeah, you know it. Nobodyknows+ holds down #1 for the second week in a row with their first ever video on the Top 20! If you don’t dig this song, there is something seriously wrong with you. I mean you have issues because this song is tight and may be the best song of the fricking year. 3, 2, 1 make some noise, fishes!

That is all for this week, everybody! Can nobodyknows+ make it three weeks at #1? Or will Avril finally be my girlfriend if she can take the top spot? Look out for Yui to try to pull an UVERworld and look out for Yuna Ito, too! Tune in next week to find out who grab the brass ring!

I’m Out

Back In Business. The Business of Whoopin Yo Ass. Business is Booming!

Alright, as you heard the Chachi is officially dead. He is no more. The dude was a punk bitch that put up with too much crap. From now on, there is a new leader of The Revolution. And he aint taking no names.

The Deuce is back, bitches.

With the Deuce being back, some shit is going to change around here:

1) The fun and games are over. No more happy action fun time crap. The Deuce is about breaking his foot off in the ass of the stupid.
2) No more sugar-coating. If you can believe it, I had been working with a filter for the last year or so. No more. That is a VERY scary thought.
3) The Revolution will still be catered. No need to fight the fucktards on an empty stomach.
4) No Mac users. If you are using a Mac to look at this, turn it off. Then go to the sink, run some water and dip your face in said water. Then breathe. Because you deserve to fucking die, you mouth-breathing morons.
5) By going total 100% asshole, it can give me more focus. No longer will I be all over the place like the neighborhood spastic. Douchebrawl, the Video Top 20 Countdown and Master Chief Captain Chachi Goes Hollywood will still be staples but the blog itself is going back to anime, video games and handling the stupid.
6) My love for Yuna Ito will not end. It can only grow. The Deuce still has a soft spot for the ladies. SOME ladies, the rest of you can go to fucking hell.
7) Akon must STILL go back to Africa. The SABTAM is still going on….and this time it’s personal.

The Deuce is back and the world is back on notice. The ‘Smack A Fool For Living’ policy is in full effect and if you are down with the cause, pick up your bats (Or swords. If you have a mace or bolo, you are SO promoted to Lieutenant) and prepare to bust the asses of the idiotic. Stand beside me as we end the reign of the slow and make the world better for those that don’t need Axe deodorant commercials or to see Paris Hilton NOT go to jail. Let our voices ring loud as we say to the r-tard masses that we have had enough and it is time to catch a beating.

IT’S REVOLUTION TIME….AGAIN.

The leader is back. And I am sorry that I originally failed you but no more. It is on and fools are about to get served. Old school:

It’s go time, peeps. It’s go time.

Out of Business....

Normally I start off with a salutation. Something like ‘What’s up, peeps!’ or ‘Yo yo yo!’ but…not today. Today is a little different. Today…it just aint in me.

Peeps, I use Spiderman a lot on my blog for examples and inspiration. I know I should be inspired by real people like Martin Luther King or Jesus or Optimus Prime but I can identify with Peter Parker minus the cool superpowers. Unless you consider being able to quote Pootie Tang line for line a superpower which sadly people do not. The big reason I like Spiderman so much is the internal conflict he has about whether he should be Spiderman or not. He has the power and he (after a tragic loss) accepted the responsibility that comes with being able to help others. Yet, all Spiderman was met with was hatred and indifference. He was deemed a menace by the media and the people. He often put his friends and loved ones in danger. Quite simply, sometimes it felt like no one cared. Peter Parker posed this question to himself several times:

Why do I do this, and is it worth the effort?

That is a very difficult question to ask yourself, especially when you are trying to help someone, change a situation or come to grips with a situation. The fact is, sometimes you have to ask yourself…is it worth doing what you do? Is it worth trying to help the world? Is it worth trying to change the status quo? Is it worth the time to be a hero?

Now don’t get anything twisted, I am not comparing myself to Spiderman. I am definitely more heroic than the Go-Bots and the Rock Warriors but I am no hero. I am just one guy with a blog that rants about his problems for the entertainment of the peeps and with the hope that someone somewhere gets a little gem that they can take away from my posts. I come off as offensive and abrasive but in the end, I use offensive material (USUALLY) as social commentary to make people think. I am in no way a hero, but I like to think that I try to help. And that is all Jebus asks of me.

With all that being said…I am beginning to question why I do what I do. Not in a heroic sense, but what I do in general. I try to be as nice of a guy as possible but at the end of the day, what does being a nice guy get you? You know who else was a nice guy? Jesus Christ. Things didn’t work out for him, I heard he got evicted from his apartment…among other things. I do my best to set a good example for people by not peeing on and sexually taking advantage of minors. Yet, R. Kelly gets invited to see The Color Purple on Broadway which is based off a book…about the trials of a minor that was taken advantage of. I try to be a role model of SOME SORT to the young Black male by staying out of jail, going to college and having a somewhat respectable job (although that can be debated, The Pack aint exactly Target). Yet who gets the praise from the Black community? 50 Cent and…R. Kelly. That man is EVERYWHERE. Even though I am bitter and jaded as hell, I try to treat women with the utmost respect, even to the point of changing my viewpoint about them all being evil. What do I get for being nice? SHIT ON at every turn for the last seven years. I have tried my best for the last 26 years to be the best person I can be and do the right thing and what happens? Carrot Top gets a fucking movie! Where is the justice? What ever happened to fair?! WHERE’S MY ELEPHANT?!
I am beginning to realize that maybe, after 325 posts…maybe it just aint worth it. Maybe doing the right thing, being a nice guy and trying to change the world just isn’t the thing to do anymore. Maybe I should change my name to Duece Stackin Dollaz, get $25K worth of bling, a shitload of tattoos that don’t mean shit, a fat white chick, a 15 man entourage, burn my diploma and yell ‘COUNTIN THEM KEYS, BEE-YI-YITCH!’ all day over a Timbaland beat as I go three times platinum. That is what seems to be what people want. Maybe leading the battle in the crusade against the stupid is no longer needed. It’s like Bart Simpson said:

Can’t Win, Don’t Try.

So from this point on…the Chachi is dead. I’m going to go out and buy an Akon CD, start treating women like crap and get me a whole bunch of baby-mamas because that is what is normal. No need to fight for those that no longer want the help. No need to lead The Revolution…when no one believes in it. Peeps…The Revolution is dead. Maybe someone else will pick up the bat and lead you to the promise land, but I can’t do it anymore. The pain of not knowing whether the right thing is what people want has caused me to stop the fight. I’m sorry, peeps. It’s over. If you excuse me…I have to go to the club so I can smack that. All on the floor. Smack that. Give me some more. Smack that till she gets sore. Smack that…oooohhhh. Stay up, peeps.

I am Chachi…no more.

If Posts Were A Trilogy, This Would Be Return of The Jedi...

What is up, peeps! It is Tuesday and today is the greatest day EVER! I got two packs of Twizzlers for the price of one at the vending machine and I found $20 in my car the other day! And if you haven’t heard, the Duece is officially going next gen! My X-Box 360 Elite should be here today or tomorrow! Since all I have is coming with it is Gears of War, some games need to be bought on Friday and then it is an X-BOX 360 PART-EEE!! Bring chips, I will supply the punch and pie.

So I am late in my Black people rants (I wanted to do it during Black History Month, but since February sucks enough by itself I decided against it) but I have received a lot of material in the last few months that it has become way to easy. So I would say the ratio of my rants about women being crazy to men being stupid is about 3:1 or so. Mainly because I am a jaded, broken man that needs time to vent. However, my stance on women has become more pointed and direct rather than broad stroked as it was for about a year after college until about….shit January?

Anyway, I have had several discussions with a friend of mine (Hi, Kandice! Now…seven people know who you are!) about how men suck and women are stupid. Now I have given testimonials and irrefutable evidence of how women function on an illogical process of “All the power with none of the responsibility.” However, the question is what makes them like that? Well, I have proven that how they are brought up is a huge reason why a majority are like that (some mothers that teach daughters poorly about what men are, some fathers that don’t teach their daughters PERIOD, society and of course THE MEDIA) but the real reason is simple:

MEN ARE FUCKTARDS

There, I said it. This isn’t an attempt to apologize for what I have said in the past because I have proven that women are succubi several times. However, the a major catalyst for their stupidity and irrational and illogical actions are the fact that a GREAT MAJORITY OF MEN MAKE THEM THAT WAY! I have had to sit back for the last…shit 10 years or so and listen to my female friends complain, bitch and cry about how their boyfriends (and in some cases husbands which makes me uncomfortable like nothing else) treat them like crap and don’t address their concerns or feelings. After listening for a while I lost pity on them because they all said the same thing when I said ‘Well then quit putting up with it and leave!’

‘But we have so much history!’

First, Zach put down the gun. Put it down, we can shoot people later! I have a point to make. This puts it all in a nutshell. Jerks treat women like shit because they can. You see, women crave attention. It is true, don’t deny it. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what KIND of attention it is. So if a man shows jealousy or is constantly letting you cause drama some women stay because they see that as growth of a relationship rather than a total regression to like the first grade. I have yet to completely grasp why women stay with jerks for so long but I guess it is stability. Wait, jerks don’t have jobs. They bum off their girlfriends and borrow their cars; that’s what makes them jerks. Wait, jerks cheat, don’t pay attention, treat them like idiots and verbally and even physically abuse (Yeah, when I heard about shit like that it made me want to regulate. Lo Pan style) women. So what makes them stay?

I know I say that I joke about everything, and domestic abuse is no exception (In old country, to beat is to love!). So lets put this into perspective. The first thing is that unless he is a total fucktard, no man is a joke from the beginning of a relationship. I have seen some where the dude is just a jerk from jump street and it is sad because some women just accept it as normal. A man will start off as normal and nice, but after a few weeks he may show some jerk qualities. At that point, women don’t do anything about it (questioning why he hasn’t called in three days or why he never answers the phone when it rings. Sounds intrusive but we are at war, some civil liberties need to be violated to keep us safe) and all of a sudden you have been dating a dude for five plus years that is constantly ignoring you and when he isn’t ignoring you he is treating you like shit. Congratulations, you have just been Jerk’d.

At this point a woman either leaves him in a HUGE huff and a chip on her shoulder only to see that he has a new woman in less than two weeks. He was SO cheating on you and you let it slide! Or even WORSE he leaves YOU and makes it seem like it was your fault (‘You are being possessive’ or ‘Its just not working’) AND gets another woman to boot (usually uglier, which TOTALLY pisses you off) while you go on a ‘I don’t need no man!’ trip and live like Samantha and Carrie from Sex in the City. Guess what? You know why they rarely found love? BECAUSE THEY LIVED LIKE FUCKTARD MEN! So when you go out and you live like a fucktard, you find a fucktard. Then you get your heart broken again and again by the same type of man over and over until you are ruined and hate men altogether. Congratulations, ladies. You have been Jerk’d.

I have taken women to task for letting this happen several times. The fact is that the reason this happens is that men treat them this way. With women outnumbering men slightly and the majority of men (you know what, after being on the frontlines of this for about 5-8 years, I can say about 70%, if not 75% of men treat women poorly in some way shape or form) being idiots and jerks I can see why women are disheartened by the situation of being single. For years either they or their friends have been used, abused and all around screwed over by men. I always say being screwed over is a two party system but the fact is that it shouldn’t begin in the first place.

The majority of men that are screwing over women are making those in the minority look REAL bad. It is like slaves that knew how to read. Other slaves didn’t like them because they weren’t happy in the field being a slave (women) and whites didn’t like them because they were trying to change the ‘natural order’ of things (jerks). That analogy makes sense if you think about it, albeit rather offensive. You see, the majority of men are all about trying to get sex from women. It has been like that for a long time. Women have been ingrained since…birth that this is the case from their mothers, television, music, movies and society as a whole. Now as a man if your main goal is NOT to have sex with a woman, you are the exception not the norm and rules are made for the norm. Therefore to a woman, you must be lying and trying to get in her pants. So either way, no matter what you do, you are vilified just as much if not MORE than a jerk because they think you are a liar and a cheat and if Oprah said it, it must be true.

On the other side of the spectrum is the jerk. Now, I have had this discussion with jerks several times and when you say that you aren’t about sex they look at you like you broke the Code of Silence. Like you came out of the closet in a foxhole during heavy enemy fire. So then other men think something is wrong with you because you don’t think just like them. It is fucking irritating. The majority of jerks buy Axe body wash and Tag body spray because they believe that women really come running if you wear it. I’m serious, they BELIEVE the commercials! I have heard them talk to the opposite sex and it is just…just wrong. Now I honestly believe that the term ‘game’ is really just ‘lies and bullshit.’ I have heard what constitutes as ‘game’ and the majority of it is ripped off from rappers/comedians/date movies/pick-up line books. Hell, after about 10 seconds it usually breaks into the ‘Wah wah wah wah wahwahwah’ from Charlie Brown so I wonder if women really listen (I have heard yes and no from different sources) or if the whole ‘a woman knows whether she is going to have sex with you blah blah blah yakkity smackity’ thing is true. If so, it explains a LOT of divorces and break-ups. Because of this, having an actual conversation is hard because women expect a ‘Shawty, can I buy yo draaaaaank?’ rather than ‘So how do you feel the geopolitical climate in Ghana effects the continent of Africa?’ What can I say….I is lame.

Finally, jerks have not only killed conversation they have lowered the expectations. From what I have gathered, women expect so little from men that when you display any form of not being ‘derrrrp!’ they get rather confused. Men have come off over the years as being so sex-crazed, boob-obsessed, chest-thumping, sports-worshiping, woman-clubbing troglodytes that when you aren’t like that…they think something is wrong with you and that you are (once again) lying and TOTALLY want to get in their pants or that you are gay. Let me tell you something ladies…that would just be devine! Wouldn’t it be delightful if the reason I have so many problems with women is because I am a homosexual? Yeah…sadly it aint that easy. As my love for Yuna Ito has proven…I loves the ladies but the ladies don’t love me. It’s….a conundrum.

Now I am not going to sit here and give anyone tips on how to get a woman because I totally SUCK at it. I can teach you how NOT to get one or how to lose one. That’s where I’m a Viking! Even still, I think that the majority of fucktards are ruining it for the minority that just want to be normal. By screwing over women and treating them like crap (Even though we can all agree, deep down it is what they want. Hell, I’ve gone BACK to women to be treated like crap! It replaces the need for love!) you mess it up for all of us. The simple fact is that women do stupid things to normal guys for dick moves made by a jerk. Now you have a set of jaded men that seem like jerks but are just like you: frickin pissed off because they were hurt. See, men and women aint so different. I leave you with this:

“Inside Every Jaded Man…Is A Broken Heart”

A spin on what Skinnerman told me once. He was a conflicted genius sometimes. What’s wrong, peeps? That last post was a downer, you say? Well, here is something for the non-jerk demographic to view. Jerks don’t come here, they don’t know how to read. Turn off the sound and gaze at the hawtness that is Nami Uehara:

Is nice. She really…really can’t sing. However, she is quite the beautiful young lady. Man, I AM going to end up with an Asian woman. Yeah, I guess I am part of the reason that 70% of Black women are single. In my defense, they wouldn’t want a slice of this mancake anyway. I’m just wasting my flava! DAMN! Just going to waste on the shelf like so many cans of Crystal Pepsi or copies of Jay-Z’s Kingdom Come. Anyway, I will be back soon. Stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out.

Black U.N.I.T.Y... The Greatest of All Oxymorons.

Good morning peeps! Well, the hangover from the awesomeness that was Spiderman 3 begins as I feel like that time in Vegas when I hung out with Winky Wright’s entourage at the MGM before his fight in 2005. My god…I seriously misplaced my pants. And I never went to a gentleman’s club again. Great success!

Anyway, can I just say I am fed up with this whole ‘George Bush has the lowest approval rating since Steve Catraper in 1874!’ crap? Last I checked you can’t impeach a president for being unpopular or unbelievably incompetent. This isn’t the NBA, and he can’t be suspended for being a thug or a moron. I wish he could, but this is America. Not Happy Snapdragon and Lollipop Fun-Time Land. Grin and bear it and when the time comes for a change, make it. Just don’t vote for Obama. Please, I REALLY don’t want to see him shot. He seems like a nice enough guy but White people would FLIP over a Black President and don’t let them tell you otherwise. We are cool to shoot your basketballs and make your music but run your country? Nigga, please. It’s the White House, not the Swisha House. Now that is funny as hell.

Okay, it is rant time. Oh, it is SO rant time. I don’t think I have ever done an official rant on Black women in general so it is about that damn time. Now people that know me are well know about my struggles with Black women. Well, women in GENERAL but Black women in particular. You see, back in college all I heard was shit from Black women (especially after I joined the Black Student Union…all six of us) because all I was ever seen with was white women. Keep in mind, this is Colorado, not Atlanta or Detroit but there was some truth to their observation. The simple fact is that none of the women wanted to date me. Hell, no woman wants to date me let alone Black women. Yet, no matter what I did I was ‘selling out’ (an actual term used on me) for who I associated with. So I am letting it known now, I am a tad bit biased.

With that being said, there seems to be a big flap after the Don Imus situation about the perception of Black women by Black men and America as a whole. The ‘nappy headed hoes’ comment has died down (FINALLY) but the issue is now how they are looked at and why someone would say that. First off, no one sees Black women as ‘nappy headed hoes’ because the majority of Black women have weaves. Yeah, I went there. Don Imus got paid to be controversial and an outright jerkass. I am not defending his actions or his words, but I am just giving you the reason. I don’t think I have used the word ‘nappy’ since like…middle school. No one has aside from the rap group ‘Nappy Roots’ and they are long gone. So Black women need to let that go because it wasn’t funny and it wasn’t said out of perception of the players, it was said for ratings.

Now for what I think is the REAL issue here is about Black women being called ‘hoes’. Well, that is a problem that has been around for a while and you know what…

IT IS YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT!

There, I said it. And here is WHY I say that. You see, the argument has always been that ‘if you didn’t act like that, no one would call you that’ and although there is some arrogance and ignorance to that statement…there is truth in it. The sad fact is that ‘image is perception’ and I learned that a long time ago. I can name three interviews (Insight, Verizon and Canon) where I had two phone interviews that went well and then the final face to face interview began with ‘…YOU are William?’ and I know what they meant. I am not the next MLK or Obama but I believe I am a great speaker and I have been told several times I am an awesome interviewee. I see when someone is shocked the person they have been talking to is Black. And it hurts because I know they were expecting me to be ‘Gives me this job, fool! I gots skills!’ but I wasn’t and it shocked them. Don’t even get me started about the clubs here and my treatment at the Cherry Creek/Flatirons Malls. So I know what it is like to not be something and just because of perception being treated poorly. I know all Black women are not hoes. To think so is asinine. However, image is perception. And the image is that Black women are not respected by Black men and are treated as sex objects. Where would people get that idea?

Have you seen a rap video or listened to a hip hop song in the last…10 years? Have you seen a movie in the last 5 years? Black women have to take to task a major issue. The image portrayed in those videos has women used as sex objects. And they aint CGI, thems is real women. Since White people avoid Black people at all costs, all they have to base their views on us is television. Not only that, since the only strong Black female on TV is Oprah and… Yoruichi Shihouin from Bleach it’s hard to find someone to look up to for young Black women. All they have are video vixens and Beyonce (which is even WORSE) to emulate and either way, they are going down the wrong path.

The sad part is that Black women want to blame Black men for this. Now I personally don’t want to take the blame for ANY OF IT individually because I don’t even know any Black people anymore. However, I will man up and take a brunt of the responsibility because I do believe that a lot of the issue lies there. Black men need to grow the hell up. Part of it is learning how to treat women. I had my chivalry rant a few weeks ago and it falls in line. For so many young Black men raised in single mother households I don’t know why they have such horrible views of women. I mean the amount of single Black mothers is disgusting and the way I hear men talk to them is even worse, just disrespectful and full of bad English. Yet…and this is my observation (I people watch at the club, I’m a geek like that); the problem is that the majority of Black women accept it.

I won’t say as a whole but they must be for it to be going on for so long. The treatment of Black women hasn’t changed since 1992, just the fashions have changed. From high top fades and Cross Colors to cornrows and G-Unit. The words are the same offensive crap, and the result is the same. And sistas, you are at fault for this one. I have noticed that women mistake ignorance for confidence and arrogance for power. The fact is that men are rather unoriginal when it comes to females. For the most part, they do what others say will work. If all a Black male sees is women fawning and dropping it like it’s hot for men with money, power and some sort of respect (I’m from the streets, bitch!) then that is how he will act. People are NOT as smart as we give them credit for, we see it every day. The fix to the treating and perception of Black women as hoes is simple and twofold:

BLACK WOMEN: Don’t Accept It
BLACK MEN: Don’t Expect It.

It is really that simple. Women, don’t dance to shitty songs in the club that degrade women and make you out to be skeezers. It is that simple. Don’t request them on the radio, don’t buy the album, don’t download the ringtone and for CHRIST’S SAKE DON’T SING IT IN THE CLUB! If I hate the song T-Pain when HE sings it, when you and your drunken gaggle of friends sing it doesn’t make it any better. Expect more from men, too. Ladies, if you expect that all men are trying to fuck you then consciously or sub-consciously that is what you will get. Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, I lived it everyday. Hell, I still live it.

Oh and Black men; just stop. Think about it like this. Would you appreciate if a man treated your mother or sister the way you treat Black women? If the answer is no then STOP AND ACT LIKE YOU GOT SOME GODDAMN SENSE! If the answer is yes then call Jimmy Iovine for your record deal because you are the next 50 Cent…you stupid Black bastard. Just because some Black women are trifling and only want thugs or money (Women don’t get that being a thug is NOT A GOOD THING!) doesn’t mean you have to ‘buy that shorty a drank’ or get a ‘chain reaction’ from your gaudy ass jewelry. Not all women out there are carbon copies of video chicks, so stop acting like you are Young Fucking-Jeezy. And you aint no pimp, dude. Pimps get hoes, not ladies. Now THAT is real talk. Marinate on that, fishes.

In closing, young Black ladies don’t pop, lock and drop it. Blame men, media and society all you want in the end it is about keeping it real to yourself. If you aren’t a hoe, don’t act like one and then you are justified in busting a fool in the mouth for treating you like one. If you ARE a hoe then dammit, be the best hoe out there! Reach for the bling and believe in your inner whore and one day you can be the greatest gold digging hoochie in history! And always remember; if you are gonna be a gold digger, never go after any broke…broke:

Heh, I still think that song is stupid as hell. Seriously, Black women respect yourself and you pretty much demand it from Black men. They better get with it or stand to the side. Talib Kweli, peeps. Sometimes hip hop can still be poetry.

Well, that had been working my nerves for a few days and I needed to let that out. I HAVE to do a rant on dumb ass dudes and how they ruin things for the rest of us (Rick knows what I am talking about. You are a braver man than I to put up with that shit for so long). If anyone deserves to be drug out in the street and beaten with a baseball bat it is dumb ass dudes. That may be up this week so stay tuned. Until then…

Restecp Each’ova. Big ups to Chachi.

It's Your Friendly Neighborhood Chachi!

What is up, peeps! It is a chilly Sunday today after a pointlessly cold Cinco De Mayo. But screw the drunken white people ruining my Mexican St. Patrick’s Day! On Friday, I went to see the greatest movie possibly EVER made and very little could fuck that up. It is a movie about a man. Bitten by a spider. And given powers. I got bit by a spider two weeks ago and all I got was a huge welt on my butt/thigh. Anyway, you know his name and you know his game. I give you a special Passion of Chachi….

MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD: Web Slinger Edition!

This Week: Spiderman 3!

Okay, I will let it be known that I am a MEGA-Spiderman fan. Aside from the 8+ years I stopped reading because of the whole Ben Reilly/Spider Clone bullshit I have been an avid fan of the character so some would figure my review to be biased. And to that I say….EAT IT. Spiderman rules, the only heroes that rule more are Batman and The Tick. And Brock Sampson he is less hero, more Swedish killing machine. So there.

With that being said, let me start with the pros of this movie (I’m trying a new format with the movie reviews, tell me what you think)

Pros:

The Opening Credits: Now some would say this makes no sense. However, how many times with a sequel have you had no frame of reference of the first few movies? Aside from the Star Wars series with the scrolling words (I don’t know how to read! I’m not a loser!) no movies really give a recap of the previous installments. The opening credits of Spiderman 3 covered how Peter got his powers and the events of the first two movies in about 4 minutes. A small thing for some, but is was a great way to begin the movies for those who have never seen (or missed) the first two and fanboys of course filled their Spiderman 3 collectible cups.

Character Depth: Now I am going to get into this more later, but for a character with 30+ years of back-story it is hard to put a lot of depth into 2 hours. However, the character of Peter Parker grows, regresses and realizes in this movie several times. From the events of Uncle Ben’s murder to what happens when someone with great power ignores the responsibility to protect (and it is SO THUG) the movie surprisingly covers a lot of ground for the main character. Even Harry (albeit in a real ‘Deus Ex Machina’ way) is dug into deeper a tad, which was enough to make a few of the evens actually powerful rather than tacked on. I like how the character development was done for SOME of them. More on that later. Speaking of characters…

Topher Grace/Venom: Shit, I was NOT expecting this. I was really expecting Topher to just kind of be there and not add anything to the movie until he was Venom. Boy I was wrong. Topher was downright HILARIOUS as Eddie Brock, which albeit a deviation from the comic it actually gave the character some personality (I never liked Eddie Brock the character in Spiderman). He played the perfect foil to Peter (brash, just an all around a-hole) and most importantly wasn’t Eric Foreman playing Eddie Brock. Topher can actually act, just take a look at ‘Win A Date With Tad Hamilton’ and YES I have seen that movie and YES I liked it. I am SO straight. Even more surprising is that his nonchalant sense of humor was PERFECT as Venom, like a Fidel Sarcastro meets Spiderman with a symbiote. Oh, and Venom was pretty damn imposing, even with the McFarlane eyes (WHICH I HATE) he was still just scary. Hulking, roaring and fanged was the perfect opposite to Spidey. If you are looking forward to Venom you wont be disappointed and if you have no idea who he is prepare to be amazed.

The Action: You know, I will not lie to you I was not impressed by the Sandman/Spiderman fights (more on that later) and the Venom/Spiderman fight was good but it was NOTHING compared to the New Goblin/Spiderman or the KICK ASS Peter vs. Harry fight! I honestly put that up there above Vader vs. Luke I & II, Neo vs. Agent Smith and the fight from ‘They Live’ as maybe the greatest one-on-one fight in movie history. Just BRUTAL. MUCH better than the first one (Green Goblin) and more emotional than the second (Doc Ock, who while visually impressive were really pointless). The movie overall is visually impressive and all the action sequences are well done and I still think that Spidey web slinging is up there as a mark out moment with the Death Star blowing up and Helms Deep. The $258 MILLION was well spent, peeps.

Humor/Camp/Drama: There was a perfect mix of humor, (one-liners, banter between Parker and Brock), silliness (the dance number and Peter going all John Travolta on us. Priceless!) and drama (the end, the scene at the diner with Peter and Harry which if it doesn’t piss off every man you should be shot because it was JACKED UP) in this movie that most comic book movies never try because they screw it up. James Cameron and George Clooney I am looking in your fucking direction. Every Spidey fan knows that the books are one part humor, one part zaniness, one part drama and one part action and that is what puts him at top of the list with Batman in terms of best all-round. Sam Raimi found a good mix of this that I believe he came CLOSE to missing with the first and second because the first one had an silly looking Green Goblin and the second was a tad to dark with Doc Ock. Great job!

Now, even though there are a LOT more pros (Bruce Campbell’s cameo for one, Peter going emo, the ending sequence), there are some cons to this movie…

Cons:

Kirsten Dunst: I have always said she should NOT have been Mary Jane, if anything Gwen Stacy because she fucking dies. Laura Prepon is still my choice to this day. Kirsten is supposed to drum up sympathy for MJ because she is a stuggling actress whose boyfriend is always gone protecting the city when she really needs some consoling. Understandable, right? Instead, MJ comes off as a bitch that doesn’t understand the responsibily that come to someone that has the ability to help others. While Peter is totally supportive of MJ, she seems selfish and self-absorbed which is a complete 180 from the comic Mary Jane. Oh, and they had the NERVE to let her shitty ass SING! That nearly made me throw something at the screen. It doesn’t ruin the movie, but her performance did piss me off.

Sandman: As a Spidey fan, I could have picked about six other villains that would have fit better than Sandman. Thomas Church did as well as he could but unlike Doc Ock (who was a tragic character) or Green/New Goblin (who is as much a part of the Spiderman mythos as Joker is to Batman or Vader is to Luke Skywalker) there is no real reason to root for OR against Marko Flint. He really adds nothing to the movie aside from some impressive CGI effects which actually would have been better spent on Hydro Man or Mysterio. Hell, even THE SPOT would have been a better choice! Sandman is lame and always has been. There are other villains that would have fit better, or at least have Venom bite him and screw up his chemical balance like in the comic. Same with Mary Jane, doesn’t hurt the movie all that much but it is still time that would be better used on a better character.

The Plot: This is more about the character development but this falls in line. It’s obvious that this is two movies in one with the Harry story and the Venom story both being able to stand alone on their own merit. It feels like Sandman was used to bind the two plots together which just created a feeling of ‘too much at once’ because plots would hang for 20-30 minutes at a time without mention. The Peter/Harry story should have been the focal point with the Venom/Eddie Brock as the ‘b-story’ until the end. Negates Sandman, creates a linear plot (watch it, remove the Sandman part and see how the movie flows a little better) and kills about 20-25 minutes, or re-directs it to a longer Spiderman/Venom fight that would have made this movie even MORE KICK ASS. I should be in Hollywood.

Well, taking everything into account, this movie was the best movie of the year. The gripes are minimal and luckily easily overcome by the amount of awesome in this flick. Long story short, this movie is more than worth the $7.75 and looking at the $148 million plus opening weekend, it looks like America agrees with me. So the Chachi gives Spiderman 3…..

10 Out of 10 Stars!!!
(Two great stories held together by a sandy plot device but that doesn’t really deter from the experience. Great action and surprisingly good performances by James Franco, Topher Grace and yes…even Tobey Mcguire. Great mix of comedy, camp, action, drama, suspense and special effects make this a great watch! Worth it alone for Bruce Campbell speaking French. Swing down to your local movie house now!)

Odds are there will be no movie review next week (maybe 28 Weeks Later, although I haven’t seen all of 28 Days Later so I may peep that first, not sure) so in apology for that, I give you a new installment of….

WHAT CHACHI LIKES/DISLIKES!

Special Sunday Edition!

First, off…

What Chachi Likes: Foxxi Misq!

Okay, I know I despise skinny people. Especially skinny women. Just not cool, give me some Kate Winslet or Salma Hayek over Jessica Simpson or (GASP!) Jessica Alba any day. However…DAMN. These girls are quite on the point. Yeah, Kandice is right I have a little intrigue with the Japanese ladies. If you haven’t seen the video for ‘Alive’ and you are a male with any heart you will watch it…right now. You will NOT be disappointed. Not only that, compared to other girl groups (to which there are like…two) they are pretty good vocally and dance-wise. Good stuff! Now….to what is TOTALLY annoying me…

What Chachi Dislikes: Beyonce’

I must be the only man in America that just doesn’t see it. Never have, never will. I remember when Destiny’s Child came out I was NOT a fan of her. Her voice is ‘meh’ and she looks like she was created in a h-game. She doesn’t even look like she has real facial features! Her body aint THAT bangin (don’t get me wrong, I likes the booty but it aint all that and neither is she) and she talks like her mother is her sister. I have always said if I was forced to choose I’m taking Kelly anydamnway. And don’t even get me fucking started on her in Dreamgirls because she got SERVED by Jennifer Hudson vocally and in the acting department. She is fucking annoying and over hyped. Her music is straight up TRIFLING (Freak’um Dress? Upgrade U? Check On It? Way to start up the women’s movement again, dumbass. Your songs all are materialistic and have no substance) and tired, as better artists (Norah Jones, Alicia Keys hell even Kelly Clarkson) are overshadowed by her constantly shaking ass. Oh, and your song with Shakira SUCKS. R-tard. Now back to something that I really…REALLY like…

What Chachi Likes: Minmi

Ev’ry Ting Is Irie! I’m just joking! Seriously, I have been listening to Minmi since she did the closing for Samurai Champaloo (kick ass show, BTW) ‘Shiki No Uta’. Since then I have been a fan. Don’t even get me STARTED on ‘Summertime’ I so love that song! Has a Soca feel to it, you know. And I digs me some Soca music. Actually, I dig anything that isn’t from this asshole….

What Chachi Dislikes: MIMS

God…where do I start. This dude sucks. I mean seriously, I don’t expect everyone to be the next Rakim or Common but AT LEAST STOP THE FUCKING REPEATING!! I mean he never gives a reason of why he is hot! Being ‘fly’ doesn’t equal ‘hot’ much like being ‘platinum’ doesn’t equal ‘talented’. The fact people will DANCE TO THIS SHOWS THAT WE NEED THE RAPTURE. NOW. I hope this shitty dude gets killed first because he totally sucks it dry. I am all about to each their own but listening and liking this fucker is like eating marshmallows. Nothing of value is in them and at the end of the day they are best set on fire and eaten with chocolate and graham crackers. The last part is a reach but you get it. It is shit like this why hip hop hasn’t done anything new or been any good since DMX hit the streets. That is sad as fuck, too. Oh, and to people who say I am hating because he is famous and people are buying his record (same defense motherfuckers use with my distain for Akon, too) remember this: just because people like it doesn’t make it good for you. Name one redeeming quality about this song that isn’t ‘I can dance to it’. Rap is going to hell in a fucking hand basket and Mims is the conductor.

Well, I have some errands to run before going back to another workweek. Oh, and slap the shit out of Mims on sight. Give one to that asshat Huey, too. ‘Pop, Drop & Lock It’ is giving us a new generation of strippers. You are now free to go see Spiderman 3!

Chachi Out.

3, 2, 1 Make Some Noise for SPIDERMAN!!!

Yo Yo YO!!! It is another Friday and you know what happens on that day! The 20 best videos get ranked and given to you the people in a little something I call the…

TOP 20 VIDEO COUNTDOWN!!

As we all know, Spiderman 3 comes out in a few short hours and all I can say is I AM SO READY!!! Until then, let’s get this partay started! We start with a debut!

20. Fall Out Boy – Thnks Fr Th Mmrs (New Entry)

Okay, alright. I will admit, I spent the majority of 2005-2006 wondering what made these guys popular. I shant lie, I am a fan of their second album and especially this song. Now I had no idea this video was an ad for Tag body spray, but that is beyond the point. Take that out and it is actually kick ass. Welcome to the Countdown for the first time, guys!
19. Home Made Kazoku – Nagaraboshi ~Shooting Star~ (Last Week #16)
HMK looks to be on their way out this week after making it to the Top 10. They still have a video with Seamo lurking out there, though. We will see…
18. Yui – My Generation (Last Week #20)
Mmmm….yes. The more videos from Yui, the better. This song is beginning to grow on me (unlike ‘CHE.R.RY’ or ‘Life’ which I liked on the first listen) and the video is kind of a continuation on the style of ‘Rolling Star’. I am also trying to find the show that this song is the opening for. A little help, anyone?
17. Game feat. Kanye West – Wouldn’t Get Far (Last Week #13)
Yeah….rap is almost officially off my radar. Unless Diddy does a video for the ‘Last Nite’ Remix this will be the last hip hop video in the Top 5 for a while. Or at least until T.I. comes back. Or maybe sooner….stay tuned!
16. M-Flo feat. Crystal Kay – Love Don’t Cry (Last Week #17)

Crystal Kay already has a new video out?! My god she is fiy-yiy-yine! If you haven’t seen it, check it out. She is quite the saucy. Dare I say, I am officially in love. At least until I get to the Yuna Ito video. Even still, M-Flo and Miss Kay move up a spot this week. With her FINE self.
15. Orange Range – Ika Summer (Last Week #19)
I have totally missed these guys. Just like ‘Champione’ this video is all about pointless fun and good times. If this blog is about anything, it is about pointless fun and good times! It could be the anthem of the blog! Nah, I will stick with Calloway’ “I Wanna Be Rich.”
14. Bennie K – 1001 Nights (Last Week #10)
So there is no word of a new Bennie K video yet, even with the album less than 30 days away. You KNOW I will be getting a copy of that. Until then, 1001 Nights falls a few more places out of the Top Ten. GIVE ME MORE YUKI AND CICO!
13. Namie Amuro – Funky Town (Last Week #14)
So unlike the rocket that was the video for “Baby Don’t Cry” Namie’s new one is taking a slower pace up the Countdown. This week “Funky Town” moves up a spot and closer to the Top Ten. Here is to hoping for a new album soon (which I have heard nothing about but I am not like the Wendy Williams of J-Pop over here)!
12. Daughtry – It’s Not Over (Last Week #6, two weeks at #1, Plunge of the Week)
NOOOO! It can’t be over! Well, it seems to be. For the first time since Feburary, Daughtry is not in the Top 10! After an impressive run he falls the most spots this week (and the most in a long time) with six big ones. “Home” should be hitting the airwaves ANY DAY NOW! YES!
11. Rascal Flats – Stand (Last Week #12)
One step outside of the Top Ten is where this video stands. The Gang is trying to sneak up and pull Number One yet again! Now, we have made it to the top half!
10. Maroon 5 – Makes Me Wonder (Last Week #15)

We begin with a video making a big jump this week! I love this song, and as soon as I find my old software (or get a new computer, it has been 5 years I should probably get to it) I will turn it into a ring tone. Maroon 5 has been hit or miss for me for a while and this is definitely on point!
9. K-OS – Sunday Morning (Last Week #9)
K-OS has slowed down a little bit, standing pat at #9 for the second straight week. Waiting for a little something new video wise, which I odds are would never know since I don’t watch video channels anymore.
8. Kumi Koda – Get Up & Move! (Last Week #8)

Ms. Koda stands pat at #8 this week. It is a shame, because she has really been….not annoying me lately. There was that stretch (around ‘Cherry Girl’) when she went all Paris Hilton on me. Well, not on me SPECIFICALLY because that would have been a good time. Hopefully she is realizing that she is way to talented to be so damn stupid. Oh, and eat a sandwich if you wouldn’t mind.
7. Three Days Grace – Never Too Late (Last Week #5)
After making it to the Top Five, TDG moves back two spots. I am finally ready for new stuff from these guys, let’s hope to get something soon!
6. Yuna Ito – I’m Here (Last Week #7)
Oh hell yes. I was looking through my back up hard drive (700GB of J-pop, anime and cartoons fool! Not a bit of porn…which is not good) when I found her Christmas performance on MTV Japan. My god…she is an awesome performer. Her voice is just YES and she is just…wow. I’M THE ONE WHO WANTS TO BE WITH YOU! DEEP INSIDE I KNOW YOU FEEL IT TOO! Yeah…Kandice I can see how that can creep a woman out. On to the Top Five!
5. John Legend – PDA (We Just Don’t Care) (Last Week #3, four weeks at #1)
After a dominant run at #1, Mr. Legend falls two more spots this week. Nothing new yet, but he will be coming back to the US this fall and I hope to catch him in concert then! I have seen a couple of live performances of this song online and it must be even better in person. Sometimes I wish I was a woman so I could swoon….
4. Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend (Last Week #4)
Avril Lavigne stands firm for a second week with this video. I had a couple of lewd jokes about being “firm” and how she looks in this video, but I am turning over a new leaf. Long story short, no more potty humor. Now, into the Top Three….if you have a keen eye, you notice something right now…
3. UVERworld – Zero no Kotae (Last Week #2)

So UVERworld falls a spot this week, and looks like they may not get that coveted 4th Number One video. That shocks me, because this video still is rather awesome but the two above this one are totally awesome. Even still, it has been a big year for The ‘World and here is hoping for a new video soon (If you are looking for a suggestion guys, ‘51%’ would be a spiffy choice)! We are down to two videos, but which two?
2. Yui – CHE.R.RY (Last Week #1, one week at #1)

Now THIS is a shocker. After only one week at #1, Yui falls to the runner up position! After the long reign of ‘Rolling Star’ I figured Yui would take a rest and camp out for a bit. However, it seems there is an even HOTTER video than this one! Don’t fret, Yui has another video moving up the charts and it is still the ring tone for someone that rules all. And doesn’t know I camp outside her window. Just kidding! Now, it is time for the BRAND NEW #1 Video!
1. nobodyknows+ - Hero’s Come Back! (Last Week #11, Biggest Mover, one week at #1)

It was on April 13th, 2007 that this video debuted on the Countdown. Now after completing the biggest jump EVAR in the Countdown’s history the opening for the new Naruto SLAMS into the Top Spot! This song is now my default ringtone (replacing Bi) and gets played no less than five times a day. It is THAT BAD ASS. The song kicks ass, the video kicks ass, the show kicks ass and the afro kicks ass. Overall….yeah you know it. 3, 2, 1 MAKE SOME NOISE!

Well that is all for this week. Tune in next week to see what kind of hold nobodyknows+ has on Number 1! Can Yui bounce back and take the #1 spot? Or can UVERworld rebound and capture their FOURTH crown! Don’t forget about Avril waiting in the wings! Be here next Friday and GO SEE SPIDERMAN 3 TONIGHT, FISHES! The original hero come back!

Chachi Out!

I Am A Real American!

What is up, peeps! We are ONE DAY AWAY!! One day away from the greatest piece of American cinema since The Last Unicorn! Yeah, you know it. SPIDERMAN 3, FISHES!! I am SO ready for this, and clocking in at 2 hours and 20 minutes means I should be out in time to crash the town! Or…write on message boards about how kick ass it was. Mainly because I am a geek and geeks don’t party. Except once a year at NDK during the J-Pop Dance PARTAAAAY! Which makes me want to fucking cry.

So, quick American Idol updates! Since Rick doesn’t like receiving bulletins about how much I hate Chris and Blake (or as I call them, two of the J-Tim Force because together they form Voltron) I will just say this right now: sending Chris home was correct. His rendition of ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ was pedestrian. And by that I mean I wanted to walk on his fucking face. I have never REALLY been a Bon Jovi fan (They will NEVER, EVER rawk as hard as Foreigner) but even I think he tackled a song that was well above what he could do. Chris has a better voice than his teammate (more on that fucker later) but it is still average at best. He tried, but he had one of the weaker performances of the bunch.

Sending Phil home was wrong. Just…wrong. I think that his performance of ‘Blaze of Glory’ (one of the Bon Jovi songs I like) was BAD ASS (albeit a lot of yelling, but that’s what you do when you RAWK! YOU BELT FOR THE RAFTERS!) and probably the best pure rock performance of the night. He was in his element and truly shined. His best since “Every Breath You Take”.

Now before I get to Blake’s annoying ass, I will tell you who SHOULD have went home: Jordin. Don’t get me wrong, if she was 18 I would TOTALLY wreck that. By the fire and romantically of course. The simple fact is she was horrible. Now I am an average singer (unless you throw on ‘Old Man River’ or ‘Don’t Stop Believing’) but she was the worst on Tuesday by far and in the middle of the pack two weeks ago. People are obviously drinking the LaKisha Kool-Aid. And NO that isn’t a reference because she is big boned or Black. Although when she was wearing the red and black, if she would have bust through a wall no one would have known the difference. I’m just saying. She a good gospel type singer, but she isn’t marketable and has the charisma of a stoned panda. Voice does not equal success, see Taylor Hicks. She could have went home as well, but she had a good performance. As for Melinda, her performances have been consistent B to B+ quality (while everyone else has been ALL OVER THE PLACE) and she has the Jill Scott thing going for her (classy, humble with a little bit of flash) and I can say she is the front-runner right now. She is the only one (IMHO) who has never really been in any danger of going home. I picked her to win, too! Red Robin here I come!

Now to the Justin Timberlake hellspawn known as Blake. Okay, I will be the first to admit. He did something novel and interesting on Tuesday (which saved his ass because he picked up a lot of swing voters) and I can commend him for that. Seriously people. He beat-boxed to Bon Jovi. Bon-FUCKING-JOVI! First off…..no. Just no, that’s not how things work. Secondly, he is nowhere near the beat-boxer his donor is (J-Tim was actually pretty good at it) and he got Jay-Z’d (served on his own track i.e. Renegades from ‘The Blueprint’) on his performance by the drummer. As much of a chance as he took and as interesting as it was, people are forgetting one thing: HE CAN’T SING. His actual singing during that performance was average; barely above Jordin who was just BAD during hers. American Idol is as Simon said ‘a singing competition’ and if this was based on singing, Jordin and Blake would have gone home. However, if this was a singing competition and not some sideshow Sanjaya would have never even MADE it on the air. So for another week I have to pray someone FINALLY mails a mountain lion to Blake. I cant, the post office doesn’t except my packages anymore after the Carrot Top incident.

Next week, I think Blake will do a Bee Gee’s song (because he fucking sucks), Melinda will do ‘MacArthur Park’ or ‘No More Tears (Enough is Enough)’ and LaKisha will be sent home in a mild upset because teenage white girls love the Blake. Heh, if you combine Justin from Season One’s Hair, Blake’s beatboxing, Chris’s average voice, Sanjaya’s dancing and the Aiken of Clay Aiken…..by their powers combined they form….

CAPTAIN J-TIM!!!

Captain J-Tim, he’s our hero! Gonna take pop music down to zero! Heh, that was pretty good.

Too right, the Top 20 Video Countdown is tomorrow (MAJOR moves in the Top 10, fools!) and SPIDERMAN 3 FRIDAY NIGHT!!! I well have a full review on (hopefully) Sunday. Until then, stay up peeps!

Wow…how can Spiderman afford a giant robot on a teacher’s salary? I’m in the wrong line of work. See you after the movie tomorrow! EXCELSIOR!!!

Chachi Out!