Well, I just decided to watch Domino and from what I can tell, it's not very good. I'm about 25 minutes into it and I am not amused. It's like they are trying too hard to make her a bad ass. That and Keira Knightly needs to eat something. I fucking hate skinny people.
I remember in one of my classes in college about images of race and gender in the media, my teacher Deena went on a rant about how action movies/comic book movies with strong female lead characthers dont do well. I bought the arguement that aside from Wonder Woman and Raven from the Teen Titans (no one knew who she was, so my arguement was null after that. And I mean the old school comic book Raven, not the gothy mess we have on Cartoon Network) there need to be strong female characters CREATED, rather than rehashes and half assed attempts. In a class full of women and punk ass dudes, as usual I got met with the response of men are keeping the images bad to keep these movies from being successful.
On another note, dudes in women's studies classes that play sensitve to women to get play: I will break off your lower mandible and use it as an ashtray. I don't even smoke, but I will start to prove my fucking point. You arent being sensitve, you are being a pussy. Show some backbone and speak your mind instead of saying what you think women want to hear. Women DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR HALF OF THE TIME. So quit being mark-ass tricks cuz tricks get dealt with.
Anyway, we went back and forth about this during and after class (oddly enough, some of my favorite teachers are the ones I had arguments with. I thought she was agreat debate partner because I couldnt really disagree with a lot of her points and vice versa) and I asked her to name a strong female action characters that have succeeded in cinema. She said Lara Croft in Tomb Raider. I started to laugh, but she wasnt joking. People, women especially, Tomb Raider sucked ass. The games sucked (although Tomb Raider 2 had its moments) and the movie sucked. As usual, the females and the douchey dudes in the class defended that craptacular and said I only made that comment because the lead was female.
NO, I made the comment not because she was a woman, but because she was in a shitty movie based on a shitty game and it is LAW that all video game movies will suck. Anyway, back to the arguement. No matter how right you are in a class full of women, the angry mob mentality kicks in (numbers equal right) and so you have to choose your battles. Fast forward two years and not much in cinema has changed. Movies staring female characters have bombed or been critically panned since. Don't believe me? Take a look:
Underworld: Evolution
Release Date: 1/20/2006
Starring: Kate Beckinsale
Opening Weekend: $26,857,181
Domestic Gross (as of 2/27/2006): $61,425,277
Did It Suck?: I saw it and I liked it. Although the character, even with a rather rich backstory had very little depth Although I blame it more on Kate’s acting. So it did not suck. Actually, it kinda kicked ass. Best movie this year.
Was it a Flop?: Didn’t do the expected numbers (80+ million), but it has grossed well over its budget (somewhere between 25-32 million depending on where you go) so I will say it was a success.
Bloodrayne
Release Date: 1/6/2006
Starring: Kristanna Loken, Ben Kingsley (WHY BEN, WHY?), Michelle Rodriguez (Uh oh), Michael Madsen, Billy Zane (BOOOOO) and Meatloaf. Well, no need to continue on whether this sucked ass or not....
Opening Weekend: $1,550,000 (Estimate. No, that is about right.)
Domestic Gross: $2,405,420
Did It Suck?: Didn’t see it, but much like Brokeback Mountain, don’t need to see it to know it sucks ass. So yes.
Was It A Flop: Well, it cost 47 million to make and promote. And it was directed by Uwe ‘Never Met A Movie I Couldn’t Fuck Up’ Boll. Do the math, people. In respect to my Japanese readers, there will be no Hiroshima jokes.
Domino
Release Date: 10/14/2005
Starring: Keira Knightley, Mickey Rourke, Delroy Lindo, Christopher Walken (KICK ASS!)
Opening Weekend: $4,670,120
Domestic Gross: $10,169,202
Did It Suck?: Just finished it. More fun playing real dominos. With hungry bears. Actually had a good plot, but not much to do with a model turned bounty hunter. Not like a rich white man with a Bat costume and mental problems. Now THAT'S a winner.
Was it a Flop?: Oh, yeah. Like a fish out of water.
Flightplan (Or as I call it, ‘Justification of Punching Jodie Foster in the Ribs’ movie)
Release Date: 9/23/2005
Starring: Jodie Foster (I can’t stand you), Peter Sarsgaard, Erika Christensen (or Julia Stiles 2.1)
Opening Weekend: $24,629,938
Domestic Gross: $89,705,076
Did It Suck?: By god yes. Now, I know women love this movie because of the supposed link between the mother and child and its power. But you know what? If you leave your child unattended for a long period of time in a huge ass plane you are stupid. End of story. Secondly, the bond became secondary to a shitty ass plot twist and probably the most implausible ending since Rocky III. No way Rocky beats Clubber Lang. Oh, and nice shot to Muslims on the plane. Ignorance, it’s spreading. In short, it did indeed suck.
Was It A Flop?: Depends on perspective. With reports Jodie earned 20 million for this mindrape, then yes, it was a flop. But women loved it and wanted to see it and they have the vaginas. So in a way, it wasn’t a flop. I still say yes after sitting through it.
Red Eye (I know, I’m reaching. More of a reflection on how bad the state of female action roles) Release Date: 8/19/2005
Starring: Rachel McAdams, Cillian Murphy (my god, those eyes….I want them)
Opening Weekend: $16,167,662
Domestic Gross: $57,891,803
Did It Suck?: Yes and no. It wasn’t HORRIBLE, but I would be okay never seeing it again. Saw it more as a favor to Zach after sitting through Honey, Sin City and Fantastic Four because of my Jessica Alba thing. I wouldn’t recommend it, though.
Was It A Flop?: Not really, but it wasn’t remarkable, either. Just below average. Which is still passing.
Elektra (Forgot about this shitfest, didn’t you ladies? Well I didn’t and I want my $7.50 back!)
Starring: Jennifer Garner and….doesn’t matter.
Opening Weekend: $12,804,793
Domestic Gross: $24,409,722
Did It Suck?: My god, did it suck balls. I can honestly say, even with Ring 2 and Alone In The Dark, this was the worst movie of 2005. Jennifer Garner and her Cro-Magnon neck needs to go back to her own time, because she is stinking up the future with her crappy acting. And she just spawned a little Afleck. Congratulations, you just gave birth to the downfall of society. Unless Katie really DID get knocked up by Tom, then may Buddha help us all.
Was It A Flop?: It cost 43 million, they made 24 million. I think Alias was cancelled (show how much I care about Ms. Giraffe) and director Rob Bowman hasn’t worked since. Oh, and she hasn’t been in a comic since. I would say it was a flop.
Tomb Raider + Tomb Raider - Cradle of Boobies…er…Life (Summers of 2001, 2003)
Starring: Angelina Jolie, padded bra which was nominated for Best Supporting (of) Actress
Opening Weekend:
Tomb Raider - $47,735,743
Tomb Raider 2 - $21,783,641
Domestic Gross:
Tomb Raider - $131,168,070
Tomb Raider 2 - $65,660,196
Did It Suck?: The first one actually had its moments (giant robots, fool!) but it had NO expectations because it was based on a video game. It was an AVERAGE movie. The second one actually had a better plot (if you could find it in its convoluted glory) but a lot worse acting. It had promise but ended up just sucking. And about the padded bra, why? I understand that was a key to the success of the video game (because it sure as HELL wasn't the gameplay) but much like Tif did in her feature debut, they toned down the clevage. Take a look:
Bouyant Tifa. And not really dressed for battle if you know what I mean. Great for cosplay and fan art, not for saving the world from Bahamut and Sepiroth. Take a gander below:
Oh, yeah. Aerodynamic, ass kicking Tifa. See the difference? Think the fight against Nooj would have been the same if she was dressed like a club dancer? It's about perspective and visuals, people. A less busty, more realistic Lara would have sold better, IMHO.
Was It A Flop?: The first one wasn’t, as I was pleasantly surprised at how well it was received. The second one, well, it didn’t even outgross Madea in its’ first week with literally 10 times the marketing. So 1 for 2.
So there you go. Eight movies, two hits, two average and four shit fests. Don't even get me started on Charlie's Angels.
So what are women to do about the crappy movies Hollyood puts out with women in the starring role? Well, you can always pray for Ultraviolet.
Looks like it has a chance to be good. Milla was also in Resident Evil (BOTH OF THEM) so I am worried about this. If she kept the talking down, she could have been the next Keanu Reeves. Great actor, as long as he isnt acting. I know that sounds stupid, but it works. If Hollywood wants to make a hot action property with a female so bad, I would go to a very simple choice. Hollywood, I will do the work for you: A Batgirl movie. A batgirl movie based after the events of Batman: The Killing Joke would be killer.
For those that haven't read the comic, here is a quick rundown. It should begin with Barbara Gordon shot and dying with the Joker standing over her taking pictures (which he uses later against her father) and as it is going on, she has a flashback on what her life used to be. Unlike Batman, since you have to establish she is Batgirl, the first 45 minutes is how she became Batgirl and her relationship with Batman and her father. Next 30 minutes or so is the aftermath after being paralyzed (with a few more flashbacks) and her coming to grips with no longer being the crime-fighting, death-defying Batgirl. The last hour could be her (in a Batman Begins like montage) become the Oracle and assisting Batman via technology to take down The Joker again. Hell, jump the gun and add Huntress or Black Canary for a sequel with the Birds of Prey (I hated the TV show btw but it did have promise). It needs a little more work, but it will be a hell of a lot better than what has been out recently. It has a tragic yet strong female character and her overcoming great odds. Just a thought.
Wow, that was quite a rant. Well, Douchebrawl 2006 Second Round ends tonight at Midnight and the Suckass Sixteen will begin tomorrow until Saturday Night! Be sure to vote! Also, as you know from the blog I have put a lot of Para Para dancing on here. Is it just me, or does the music sound like happy hardcore versions of DDR songs? Just an observation.
Anyone ever notice how DDR has two kind of users? Those that concentrate on the steps and only move their lower body:
And those that get a little to buck with it:
America, we have found the next big Olympic sports: Dance Dance Revolution and Para Para. It would mainly be USA vs. Japan, but it would be fun to watch. More fun to watch than curling or the steeple chase. A free tasty beverage to whoever can tell me what those sports are. See, I give back to the peeps. Um, Griff you are never allowed to send me links again. Ever.
Sad. Stay up, peeps. Chachi out.
