Okay, it is once again time to lay down the law to the stupid. Normally I like to let issues of beauty slide because I am attractive by no means and quite simply could not care about society’s general consensus of what beauty is. I likes what I likes and aint a damn thing wrong with that. Now every woman and their mom is bitching about how Sarah Jessica Parker was called the “unsexiest” star by Maxim Magazine. First off, I didn’t know anyone still READ Maxim Magazine. I used to read it when Jessica Alba was on every other cover, but I haven’t read one in YEARS and thought others had followed suit. I guess bros cant spend all their time listening to Jack Johnson and playing Gamecube…in the butt.
Now this is something new that I got from ESPN. Now the show itself got cancelled but I am on the internet so as long as I don’t threaten to kill G.W. or blow up a Federal building I can say whatever the fuck I want to. Unlike ESPN that has to toss in a Stuart Scott catchphrase every thirty fucking seconds. So, I give to you the first (of many because I have some other things I will do this to, hopefully this week) installment of…
Passion of Chachi Presents: Chachi's Five Reasons Why!
Today: Five Reasons Why Maxim Was Right/Wrong To Name Sarah Jessica Parker The “Unsexiest Celebrity!”
Reason #1: Maxim Was RIGHT Because…..Turnabout Is Fair Play
Now no one gave a rats ass about Sarah Jessica Parker until she was on a little show called “Sex In The City.” Now if anyone watched that show, you knew what it was all about. It was about the so called “empowerment and vindication of women’s sexual and emotional lives in sitcom form” which sounds like a good idea. Now you all know how I felt about the show (It sucked. Metaphorically and literally on all counts) so I wont use that as part of my argument. However….anyone remember what the majority of the show was about? Objectification! Didn’t matter what the condition, trait or ideal it was focused on and usually trivialized by the cast. These topics and characters were objectified by many traits included (and sure as fuck not limited to):
· Age
· Sexual Prowess (Or lack thereof)
· Endowment (Or again, lack thereof)
· Money (Or…again….lack thereof)
· Beauty (Or….you get the drift)
· Intelligence (Which oddly enough, everyone in New York was successful seeing as how Giuliani shipped all the homeless to FUCKING DENVER. PRRRRRICK!)
Now let’s put this into perspective. The sad fact of life is that “Sex In The City” has a longer lasting social impact than Maxim ever will. The fact I had to make that statement about these to shitty entities makes me want to punch a puppy. The show made a living (and a quite successful one) out of the objectification of men and women alike, usually to the point of reinforcing more pointless and sometimes counter-productive stereotypes. The show used the flaws and insecurities of others to gather ratings and get laughs (Hey, sounds like ME!). Hell, Sarah J. Parker’s character spent half the series objectifying a man only known as “Mr. Big” for like three and a half seasons. Yet, when the shoe is on the other foot and she is objectified for her looks she and the female population want to get all asshurt about the topic. Well, tough shit. Anyone remember a little show called “Square Pegs?”:
The one of the shows’ focal points was how awkward of a person her character was. Yet again, she wants to be but hurt about the objectification (odds are because she is not getting paid for it) now. You know what? Hypocrisy is a hell of a drug. You made a living off of a show that is doing to you now what you did to them for a hell of a profit. Get over it, life goes on.
Reason #2: Maxim Was RIGHT Because….It’s Their OPINION.
You know, I remember a female friend (Oy vey, long story behind THAT) and I a while back having a conversation about religion and she said that she felt that there was only one true savior and one true God (for the avid readers it was the same woman that said that she felt that a President being God fearing makes him a better leader. BULLSHIT!). To which I said “that is utter and complete bullocks” and she replied “Well, that is your opinion.” WELL NO FUCKING SHIT, ASSHAT! As The Rick would say, “Who in the hell else am I going to speak for?” I think lost in this whole shuffle is the fact that we as people are free to have our own beliefs and thoughts. We are also free to say “I think that man/woman is ugly” or make any other observation. God forbid someone should have a different idea of beauty than you. Now they did make their opinions known in a worldwide forum for all to see and discuss. Sounds like a little something I do all the time. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion about something, we are all able to have them and if we are ready to deal with the backlash, let them be known. Whether or not you AGREE with their opinion is up to you to debate but to sit back and say “they shouldn’t say that” is censorship and hypocritical. Like I said with Don Imus, I may not agree with the douchery of his comments but I will fight for his right to say what he believes. Same here. Just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said.
Reason #3: Maxim Was Right Because…..We’re Talking About It.
At the end of the day, Maxim is out to sell magazines. News is out to gather ratings, birds are out to gather bees to have sex with them (STILL not sure how that works) and magazines need buzz and readers. I am willing to GUARANTEE that this issue is doing respectable if not great numbers due to this “controversy.” Just like everyone before them, they are out to garner attention. Just like when they have the Hot 100 (do they still have that?) to get readers to buy it for the non-mingers in skimpy clothing. The fact that CNN has spent just as much time covering this issue as they have the war in Iraq, the Democratic Party nomination and the NCAA Tournament (Davidson is KILLING IT!) is a telling statement that Maxim got what they wanted. God bless the sensitivity of America.
Reason #4: Maxim Was Right Because….You Have Said It Yourself.
You see, once again America’s holier than thou attitude bites itself in the ass. I have heard several times from several different women that I know about how unattractive Sarah Jessica Parker is. I am not throwing anyone under the bus but I will just say it is more than 5 women that I have heard say it. Now….all of a sudden…because a group of faceless men said it….this is the biggest tragedy since they cancelled “Designing Women” (Which I admit, I watched). That is utter and complete bullshit. It is like on The Boondocks where Riley called himself “nigga” all the time but a White teacher says it and all of a sudden it’s time to stand outside the school and yell “robble, robble, robble!”:
Uncle Ruckus….you are a card. The fact is that people have commented several times on TV and in print that she is not attractive and it has never been a problem. For her to say that she hasn’t tried to conform to the ideals of our “forced beauty” is a total lie because she endorses The Gap and has posed for men’s magazines before. Not only that, a big part of her damn show was the fashion so once again she reeks of hypocrisy because she AGAIN conformed to societies view of what is fashionable and successful (Again, how many Black people were on that show? Two? Man, I’ve seen rap videos! Niggas HOLD DOWN New York!) so she has made the attempt to fit the mold. She only breaks it when it is financially convenient. Now rather than trying to fit into the norm (And if The Gap isn’t conformity I don’t know what is because that place OOZES Communism) she claims that she was “offended and wronged” for being different. That is bullshit, she is just like everyone else that longs to be in the spotlight and will use whatever means to get back there since she is waiting for the soon to be horrible movie based on that shitty ass show. I KNOW people have insulted her on numerous occasions (Family Guy, anyone? SHE DOES LOOK LIKE A FUCKING FOOT!) they just never put it in a distributed magazine because they are either spineless or didn’t want the backlash. The fact is that people think that other people aren’t attractive all the time and it is never a big deal. Hell, women make songs about it all the time. Back to an older point, it is about one person’s point of view and the facts are that everyone said so….until she said she was “hurt.” She will be all over every talk show and within the next month she will be on The View or Oprah…or both. If anyone needed to be on that list…its Whoopi Goldberg. Which brings me to my last point.
Reason #5: Maxim Was Right Because….No One Is Really Hurt By This.
Okay, I know a lot of you are fucking retards and don’t know what I mean by this. Let’s look at this from a logical standpoint. Sarah Jessica Parker is a celebrity that I figure has a pretty good living running off the DVD and syndication money of her television work. Oh, and that fat, fat cash from Matthew Broderick’s royalties for “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” which was features maybe the greatest dance sequence of all times:
Shake it up, baby! Anyway, how “hurt” is she? Now I know that people say that you can’t measure or put a price tag on emotion but seriously. How hurt is she? Some random dudes in a magazine said she wasn’t sexy. SO THE FUCK WHAT? I have been told I am unsexy several times and I know that I am not everyone’s cup of tea (or coffee in my case) to I don’t let it get me down. Now I am unsure if this was voted on or if the editors just made their decision and printed it but either way, a bunch of morons decided to make a list of people they thought weren’t attractive. If she is truly butthurt by that she needs to grow the fuck up. A little story. In sixth grade, the girls in our class had “The List” of all of the cutest boys in the sixth grade, straight out of South Park. You know what? I wasn’t even on the list. Was I hurt by it? Initially but in the end I realized that what they thought of me wasn’t the end all be all of the kind of person I am. Now fast forward to now. A woman who has been called “attractive” by OTHER media outlets and in other segments of fashion and beauty magazines is hurt because ONE SHITTY MAGAZINE calls her “ugly?” That's laughable.
Like I stated before, she definitely has offers from competing women’s (and men’s) magazines as well as the support of fragile psyche having women across the globe. Anyone that thinks that she is fighting for your right to be seen as beautiful is a fucking fool. Does Al Sharpton fight for the rights of Black people when he shows up for a Jena 6 rally or an Obama rally? FUCK NO, he is promoting himself and his fat, worthless, loud mouthed and shitty perm-having ass. When Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan had their sex tapes released of them (which Lindsay can neither confirm nor deny which is HILARITY AT ITS BEST) were they fighting for the right for women to be sexually vindicated like I heard women say? FUCK NO, they were caught being whores by douchebag boyfriends on low grade film and they were trying to cash in. At the end of the day, Sarah Jessica Parker is NOT HURT BY THIS. If anything, she will become more popular because the only people on this planet easier to influence than bros are women. Two words: Oprah Winfrey. They will feel like she is a freedom fighter when in the end is all she and Maxim are is opportunists to the highest degree. I wouldn’t be shocked if they were in this together to drum up interest in both parties. Hollywood is a business baby.
Now for a bonus!
Reason #6: Maxim Was WRONG Because….It Wasn’t Their Place.
Let’s be honest here. The majority of you out there didn’t even know Maxim still existed. I mean I read them initially because of my love for Jessica Alba but once I realized she couldn’t act (And she had herpes so 50% of what I wanted to do with her would result in an STD for me) the infatuation wore off and then I was actually forced to READ the magazine. Needless to say, I was not impressed by the magazine because it became the “Bible of the Bro” and I had to cancel that subscription. So overall, the magazine has no real redeeming quality or social value. Now I know people will say that more people read Maxim than my blog but more people listened to Hitler than read this blog. Am I saying that Maxim is worse than Hitler? Well…..maybe.
Since when is it the place for a third rate men’s magazine that specializes in giving pictures of half-dressed and horribly airbrushed women and pointlessly bro-tastic articles bordering on the line of complete asshatery to tell us who is attractive or not? They think Fergie is attractive and as far as I am concerned THAT BITCH IS A FUCKING MAN. Maxim isn’t an authority on what is hot or not and for Sarah Jessica Parker (or American women in general for the most part) to get IPS about the situation is pointless and doing exactly what they wanted you to do. Like I said, I will defend their right to print their opinions but if you believe what they say to be factual and in any way should be taken with any kind of merit then you are just as stupid as they are.
Now you know….the rest of the story. That is all for now. I really liked this format for a rant as it gave me a direction rather than the usual rant where I am all over the place and tie it up in the end. I think that makes for a funnier rant but I lose the mouthbreathers and they make up a good chunk of the internet. I will try to be back again at some point this week. Don’t forget to vote in Douchebrawl! We are down to four MAN IS IT GOOD! Until next time, stay up peeps.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Four For Fighting
What is up, peeps? I am back and I am proud to say that the Regional Finals of Douchebrawl 2008 are complete! We are down to four….and let’s see who they are!
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Final
(1) Tom Cruise
Def.
(2) Kim Kardasian
The newcomer could not take down the original champ! Tom Cruise continued his dominance in his return to Douchebrawl as he takes out Kim Kardashian rather easily, quadrupling her votes on his way to the Finals! Could he make it two out of three? Kim put up a fight and worked hard to win but in the end it was all about the Cruise. So who will he take on in the first bracket of the finals? Well, it is a shock but not a shock at the same time…
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Final
(3) Kevin Federline
Def.
(1) Britney Spears
For the third straight year, Britney is thwarted in her attempt to get to the Douchebrawl Finals! This year she is thwarted by her own ex-husband who himself has made Douchebrawl history! This will be the third straight year that K-Fed has made the Final Four but he is currently winless once getting this far. Can he change his luck in 2008? He has a tough road ahead as he has to go through the O.D. (original douche) Tom Cruise! Let’s move on to the other side of the bracket!
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Final
(1) Lindsay Lohan
Def.
(3) Amy Winehouse
This was the tightest battle in Douchebrawl history with the most votes ever and the closest ever margin in a Regional Final! Lindsay Lohan defeated Amy Winehouse by ONE VOTE (Thanks, Beth!) and needless to say I believe that they are both winners here. Amy Winehouse proved that she is just as much of a whore as the best of them while Lindsay looks to be the first ever back-to-back Douchebrawl winner! It was a close battle, but the champ is still here! So who will Lindsay face?
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Final
(1) Bono
Def.
(2) Paris Hilton
FINALLY! Bono has gotten over the hump! After losing in the Regional Finals the last two years he finally makes it to the Douchebrawl Final Four! He had an initial tough battle from Paris Hilton but in the end (Mainly Thurs-Sat) Bono pulled ahead and kept Paris Hilton from the promised land as well! It was a long two years but Bono finally has his chance to battle for the crown that is the Douchebrawl Championship! He will have to take on the defending champ to do so, though!
So we are now down to four. The last four standing participants will be whittled down to two next Sunday as they battle for the Crown Jewel of Douchery. Let’s take a look at the…
DOUCHEBRAWL 2008 FINAL FOUR
In our first match-up we have:
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Champion (1) TOM CRUISE!
VS.
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Champion (3) KEVIN FEDERLINE!
The winner of that battle will face the winner of THIS CLASSIS BATTLE:
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Champion (1) LINDSAY LOHAN!
VS.
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Champion (1) BONO!
This is it, people. The time has come to crown either a new champion or give a long-battling new douche the crown. The polls are open now and it is up to you make the difference! THE POWER IS YOURS!!!
Live, Laugh, Learn & Love.
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Final
(1) Tom Cruise
Def.
(2) Kim Kardasian
The newcomer could not take down the original champ! Tom Cruise continued his dominance in his return to Douchebrawl as he takes out Kim Kardashian rather easily, quadrupling her votes on his way to the Finals! Could he make it two out of three? Kim put up a fight and worked hard to win but in the end it was all about the Cruise. So who will he take on in the first bracket of the finals? Well, it is a shock but not a shock at the same time…
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Final
(3) Kevin Federline
Def.
(1) Britney Spears
For the third straight year, Britney is thwarted in her attempt to get to the Douchebrawl Finals! This year she is thwarted by her own ex-husband who himself has made Douchebrawl history! This will be the third straight year that K-Fed has made the Final Four but he is currently winless once getting this far. Can he change his luck in 2008? He has a tough road ahead as he has to go through the O.D. (original douche) Tom Cruise! Let’s move on to the other side of the bracket!
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Final
(1) Lindsay Lohan
Def.
(3) Amy Winehouse
This was the tightest battle in Douchebrawl history with the most votes ever and the closest ever margin in a Regional Final! Lindsay Lohan defeated Amy Winehouse by ONE VOTE (Thanks, Beth!) and needless to say I believe that they are both winners here. Amy Winehouse proved that she is just as much of a whore as the best of them while Lindsay looks to be the first ever back-to-back Douchebrawl winner! It was a close battle, but the champ is still here! So who will Lindsay face?
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Final
(1) Bono
Def.
(2) Paris Hilton
FINALLY! Bono has gotten over the hump! After losing in the Regional Finals the last two years he finally makes it to the Douchebrawl Final Four! He had an initial tough battle from Paris Hilton but in the end (Mainly Thurs-Sat) Bono pulled ahead and kept Paris Hilton from the promised land as well! It was a long two years but Bono finally has his chance to battle for the crown that is the Douchebrawl Championship! He will have to take on the defending champ to do so, though!
So we are now down to four. The last four standing participants will be whittled down to two next Sunday as they battle for the Crown Jewel of Douchery. Let’s take a look at the…
DOUCHEBRAWL 2008 FINAL FOUR
In our first match-up we have:
Douchebrawl 2008 Acting Regional Champion (1) TOM CRUISE!
VS.
Douchebrawl 2008 Asshat Regional Champion (3) KEVIN FEDERLINE!
The winner of that battle will face the winner of THIS CLASSIS BATTLE:
Douchebrawl 2008 Trollop Regional Champion (1) LINDSAY LOHAN!
VS.
Douchebrawl 2008 Musician Regional Champion (1) BONO!
This is it, people. The time has come to crown either a new champion or give a long-battling new douche the crown. The polls are open now and it is up to you make the difference! THE POWER IS YOURS!!!
Live, Laugh, Learn & Love.
This Took A While. I Hope It Was Worth It.
What’s up, peeps?! I am back for a short bit as there will probably be two posts today as the results of the Regional Finals of Douchebrawl will be up later on this evening. Go and vote now as the Amy Winehouse/Lindsay Lohan matchup is LITERALLY going down to the wire! Also, there looks to be a minor upset to boot…VOTE OR DIE!
So it is time for a new installment of a series I haven’t done in almost a year for you guys. So sit back and relax for a lazy Sunday edition of…
I Learned Something Today!
I Learned Today…That “No” Really DOESN’T MEAN NO. If You Are A Man, Anyway.
This is some shit that women need to get through their fucking skull tut suite. Just because you put the welcome mat out there, doesn’t mean someone is going to come a knocking. I am so sick of the notion that just because a woman offers it that it is supposed to be taken. Guess what? The only things that come out of a vagina that are of any relevance are children and blood. And a woman bleeding from the yak isn’t anything special and babies are soulless shits so the pussy has very little monetary or social value to me. So if I say “no thank you” to what you have to offer….that should be it. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not Zac McCounetimberlakeefronhoward and I am willing to admit that I leave a lot to be desired on the personality side. To which I am a total jerk who does not DESERVE love but at least I KNOW AND ADMIT MY FAULTS which is more than I can say for every woman in the history of time and all the women I know sans three….and one isn’t even legal yet which means that she knows more in FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL than almost all the adult females I know with an extra decade to fuck up their lives and even learn from it WHICH THEY HAVEN’T! It’s why we homies. At the end of the day, to offer sex is not a way to show affection. ESPECIALLY if they don’t want it. Maybe try not being a fucktard…just a fucking thought.
Now you can go back into the annals of this blog (2006 mostly) and see my thoughts on women and their emotional link to sex and men and their lack of attachment to anything emotional for the most part sans a small minority of either gay or wish they were gay men. There is nothing wrong with flirting. When you involve alcohol I honestly think it goes back to the whole zebra analogy but hey, I’m supposedly anti-social and out of touch with my feelings so what do I know. Except everyfuckingthing. So let’s put flirting in one category. Now let’s but sexual provocation in another. Now I am sure some of the slower ilk are saying “what is sexual provocation and do I have it if I use a condom?” The answer is no and I believe that you should be shot in the face or stabbed in the chest with stingrays so your dumb ass can never breed….EVER. Sexual provocation is kind of like bullfighting. No one goes into bullfighting expecting to get gored even though they stab and agitate the hell out of that thing for an extended period of time. But that shit can (see: WILL) happen. Now a dumb person will say (especially if you have read my blog over the last few years) that I am about to hop on the logic train of that if you provoke someone sexually for too long that you are bound to have to “stand and deliver” which in layman’s terms is rape, a word I believe is tossed around way too freely (And you can call me Dan Marino because I toss it around for fun like I had Clayton and Duper on the outside. ZING!). Well if you believe that you are only half right. Like I have said before, no means no. If either party, female OR MALE (I cannot stress this enough) says no to any sexual advance no matter how much they provoked the advances from the second party should stop. IT PAINS ME to have to make that statement because I am a strong believer common sense and sexually provoking random people under the influence (of alcohol or just being a DAMN DUMBASS) is kind of….ignorant. However, I have been there, made my mistakes and paid my dues for being a dumbass so I can relate and fully understand that being a dumbass is a rite of passage sometimes for knowing what you SHOULDN’T DO. For instance cavorting like the Greeks of old…you know the ones I’m talking about. Let me reiterate. NO MEANS NO.
On the flip side of that, what makes you cavort like the Greeks of old any-damn-way? The Greeks of old no longer exist now. Why? BECAUSE THEY WERE FUCKING ASSHATS! Their asshatery and perversity knew no bounds and they were either killed off by eachother or the SyphillAIDS. Also, rape in ancient Greece was as commonplace as rapes on the Air Force Academy by cadets and you know how plentiful THAT is. At the end of the day, rape isn’t an act of sex. It is an act of power. That is why on the conceptual power scale, it is “impossible” for a woman to rape a man much as it is “impossible” for reverse racism because the power structure couldn’t allow for that. THAT IS TOTAL BULLSHIT. A man can (And in my case HAS) said no and nine times out of ten, the other party wigged the hell out about it. Why? Because you have usurped what little power they had in the situation. The one thing a woman has power over is her body and feminine wiles. And if that doesn’t work in achieving what they want, like the guy in Street Fighter II that only knows how to throw fireballs and Dragon Punch you have taken away their bread and butter attack. And much like the soon to be defeated gamer, saying no and removing the power from the female party results in:
• Yelling and/or crying: Usually “and” because that is almost like the “Desparation Attack” of women and it usually works. Not on me anymore because I cry myself to sleep of loneliness every night as I write on the tear stained pages of “Dear Diary”
• Violence: Now this is rare, but I have heard of this happening. Usually a slap followed by “Who do you think you are to turn ME down?!” Talk about ego….
• 20 Questions: I didn’t like the 50 Cent song and I sure as hell don’t need it after an awkward moment of spurning someone’s advances. This usually results in me answering questions in a way that is irrelevant to the situation. “Bitch, I TOLD YOU I LIKE HYDROX, NOT OREOS!”
• Silence: This used to creep me out but I sleep in a sensory deprivation tank like Daredevil so silence is my friend. Hell, my bankai Enma Kooragi:
It blocks out all the bitching that is about to come my way. BURN!!
At the end of the day, no means no and it doesn’t matter who is saying it. Just because you offer it doesn’t mean it has to be taken. Hell, if I got all asshurt about every woman that told me “no” I would be bleeding from my ass like the Virgin Mary. But I don’t so I’m not. It would be a killer dry cleaning bill. Oh, and ladies when someone in one of the few occurances says no, may be its not you. Maybe you just need the Clitter:
Turn your labia into a “Yay”-bia! Yep….I’d hit that.
I Learned Today….That Asians Are Evil, SOULLESS Beings. That Make Some Good Ass Movies Sometimes.
Many of you that have know me for years are well aware of my love/hate relationship with Japan and Korea. Ever since I was a young boy in Italy and got the subbed (FUCK YES! Dubs lick taint!) versions of “Fist of the North Star” and “Gundam” I have been a fan of anime and the music to boot. Then I got into movies once I found out about the interweb and it has been love ever since. As for Korea, aside from a certain girl in college who introduced me to a little someone named BoA I have been down with the K-pop ever since. She also introduced me to K-Dramas (the best of ALL the dramas) and I pretty much download and watch them more than I watch American movies now not starring Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. But it has been a rocky relationship with Japan and Korea (Especially Korea. WHAT IS WITH THE POOP?! SERIOUSLY?!) but much like my relationship with women in general, no matter how bad they treat me, I usually end up coming back after they say they are sorry and they can change. Look at this timeline:
Japanese Pros: Sowelu
Now that is good stuff right there. I remember seeing this video and saying to myself “I don’t even want to put her in the box!” Which is novel because that’s usually the first place my mind goes. And I know she is half-Korean but that’s cool and even makes it better. Like the Japanese Mandy Moore.
Japanese Cons: Panties in vending machines
Okay…now I always thought this was a fucking joke. It is so not. My god….WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! I mean you people are disgusting! And this is coming from someone that watches porn EVERYDAY! Used schoolgirl’s panties in vending machines crosses a line that even I do not cross, and I am batshit crazy!
Korean Pros: Sex Is Zero
One of the few movies that I can watch repeatedly not called “Pootie Tang” or “Big Trouble In Little China” and never EVER get bored. This movie had it all from comedy to plot/character development to drama to Ji-won Ha getting naked (FUCK YES! MY GOD, FUCK YES!). If you get past some nudity and rather soft core sex scenes (As well as a butt sex joke that….let’s just say I know very well) you have a good movie. It is raunchy and crude at some points but nothing that you haven’t seen in “American Pie” and all those movies sucked ass. Fuck you, white people. Not only that, the last 45 minutes are a testament in how you place tragedy into a movie. I will admit; this is one of the four movies for I have cried for a scene. Especially near the end with the confrontation. Great stuff and well worth the watch.
Korean Cons: Kimchi
Ugh. I have had it and it is fucking nasty as all hell. I don’t eat collard greens or chitterlings so don’t even DARE compare it to that. It is nasty and scary and should be banned from consumption. That is all.
Japanese Pros: Silent Library
Greatest show on TV ever. I swear this is the funniest shit I have ever seen sometimes. Others are jacked up but I remember when the Hoag showed me this and I laughed until I stopped. I know it is low brow but with shows like “Punk’d” allowed to be made I am unsure why this isn’t on the air here, at least on G4. I would watch the shit out of this show.
Japanese Cons: Diary of Beloved Wife
DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. My god….this movie was fuck up past Pluto. The beginning wasn’t BAD because those of us who have been there have felt the way he had but man…when she got home it just goes downhill. Sixty seven minutes of my life I will not get back and I am needless to say pissed off. NOT FOR KIDS and not for those that aren’t knowledgeable about the dynamic of some Japanese relationships. Oy vey…
Korean Pros: Cake Dance 2 (Happy Birthday To Me)
Now if you knew how many times I have seen this and how pissed off I am that “Doki & Nabi” is over TWO YEARS LATE then you understand my love of this song. First off, if you haven’t seen the first “Cat & Bunny” flashtoon then go ahead and look for it because it was cool too. This cartoon promotes the interspecies erotica which I am not FOR but at the same time it makes for a kickass love story. Americans don’t make them like this.
Korean Cons: The Pooping
You know what I mean. Don’t act like you don’t. That is all I am going to say about the situation. You nasty….nasty motherfuckers.
Japanese & Korean Pros: Yuna Ito
She makes up for the pooping, the panties, the kimchi and the horrible movies. If you don’t know her work then you are missing out on some good stuff. Especially “Tender Is The Night.”
Japanese Pros: YATTA!!!!
Now THAT is homoerotic.
Japanese Pros: Bukkake Udon
Your innuendo is priceless, Err.
Korean Cons: No new Bi (Rain) Album
WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?! Se7en is coming out this summer with an album and he is even going to be hyped by BET to boot. Now it is best you stay away from BET and its revolutionary descent to suckery but come on! I need me some Bi!
Korean Pros: Bae Seul Gi
Damn….just damn.
And that’s about enough of that. Oh, “200 Pounds Beauty” is getting a sequel. I wonder how they are going to pull THAT off but I am all about some more of Kim Ah-jong.
Well, that is all for now. Griff is back in town so I am about to roll out for a bit but I will be back later on tonight to let you know the winners of the Douchebrawl Regional Finals and let you know who made the Final Four! Until then, stay up peeps!
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
So it is time for a new installment of a series I haven’t done in almost a year for you guys. So sit back and relax for a lazy Sunday edition of…
I Learned Something Today!
And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!
I Learned Today…That “No” Really DOESN’T MEAN NO. If You Are A Man, Anyway.
This is some shit that women need to get through their fucking skull tut suite. Just because you put the welcome mat out there, doesn’t mean someone is going to come a knocking. I am so sick of the notion that just because a woman offers it that it is supposed to be taken. Guess what? The only things that come out of a vagina that are of any relevance are children and blood. And a woman bleeding from the yak isn’t anything special and babies are soulless shits so the pussy has very little monetary or social value to me. So if I say “no thank you” to what you have to offer….that should be it. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not Zac McCounetimberlakeefronhoward and I am willing to admit that I leave a lot to be desired on the personality side. To which I am a total jerk who does not DESERVE love but at least I KNOW AND ADMIT MY FAULTS which is more than I can say for every woman in the history of time and all the women I know sans three….and one isn’t even legal yet which means that she knows more in FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL than almost all the adult females I know with an extra decade to fuck up their lives and even learn from it WHICH THEY HAVEN’T! It’s why we homies. At the end of the day, to offer sex is not a way to show affection. ESPECIALLY if they don’t want it. Maybe try not being a fucktard…just a fucking thought.
Now you can go back into the annals of this blog (2006 mostly) and see my thoughts on women and their emotional link to sex and men and their lack of attachment to anything emotional for the most part sans a small minority of either gay or wish they were gay men. There is nothing wrong with flirting. When you involve alcohol I honestly think it goes back to the whole zebra analogy but hey, I’m supposedly anti-social and out of touch with my feelings so what do I know. Except everyfuckingthing. So let’s put flirting in one category. Now let’s but sexual provocation in another. Now I am sure some of the slower ilk are saying “what is sexual provocation and do I have it if I use a condom?” The answer is no and I believe that you should be shot in the face or stabbed in the chest with stingrays so your dumb ass can never breed….EVER. Sexual provocation is kind of like bullfighting. No one goes into bullfighting expecting to get gored even though they stab and agitate the hell out of that thing for an extended period of time. But that shit can (see: WILL) happen. Now a dumb person will say (especially if you have read my blog over the last few years) that I am about to hop on the logic train of that if you provoke someone sexually for too long that you are bound to have to “stand and deliver” which in layman’s terms is rape, a word I believe is tossed around way too freely (And you can call me Dan Marino because I toss it around for fun like I had Clayton and Duper on the outside. ZING!). Well if you believe that you are only half right. Like I have said before, no means no. If either party, female OR MALE (I cannot stress this enough) says no to any sexual advance no matter how much they provoked the advances from the second party should stop. IT PAINS ME to have to make that statement because I am a strong believer common sense and sexually provoking random people under the influence (of alcohol or just being a DAMN DUMBASS) is kind of….ignorant. However, I have been there, made my mistakes and paid my dues for being a dumbass so I can relate and fully understand that being a dumbass is a rite of passage sometimes for knowing what you SHOULDN’T DO. For instance cavorting like the Greeks of old…you know the ones I’m talking about. Let me reiterate. NO MEANS NO.
On the flip side of that, what makes you cavort like the Greeks of old any-damn-way? The Greeks of old no longer exist now. Why? BECAUSE THEY WERE FUCKING ASSHATS! Their asshatery and perversity knew no bounds and they were either killed off by eachother or the SyphillAIDS. Also, rape in ancient Greece was as commonplace as rapes on the Air Force Academy by cadets and you know how plentiful THAT is. At the end of the day, rape isn’t an act of sex. It is an act of power. That is why on the conceptual power scale, it is “impossible” for a woman to rape a man much as it is “impossible” for reverse racism because the power structure couldn’t allow for that. THAT IS TOTAL BULLSHIT. A man can (And in my case HAS) said no and nine times out of ten, the other party wigged the hell out about it. Why? Because you have usurped what little power they had in the situation. The one thing a woman has power over is her body and feminine wiles. And if that doesn’t work in achieving what they want, like the guy in Street Fighter II that only knows how to throw fireballs and Dragon Punch you have taken away their bread and butter attack. And much like the soon to be defeated gamer, saying no and removing the power from the female party results in:
• Yelling and/or crying: Usually “and” because that is almost like the “Desparation Attack” of women and it usually works. Not on me anymore because I cry myself to sleep of loneliness every night as I write on the tear stained pages of “Dear Diary”
• Violence: Now this is rare, but I have heard of this happening. Usually a slap followed by “Who do you think you are to turn ME down?!” Talk about ego….
• 20 Questions: I didn’t like the 50 Cent song and I sure as hell don’t need it after an awkward moment of spurning someone’s advances. This usually results in me answering questions in a way that is irrelevant to the situation. “Bitch, I TOLD YOU I LIKE HYDROX, NOT OREOS!”
• Silence: This used to creep me out but I sleep in a sensory deprivation tank like Daredevil so silence is my friend. Hell, my bankai Enma Kooragi:
It blocks out all the bitching that is about to come my way. BURN!!
At the end of the day, no means no and it doesn’t matter who is saying it. Just because you offer it doesn’t mean it has to be taken. Hell, if I got all asshurt about every woman that told me “no” I would be bleeding from my ass like the Virgin Mary. But I don’t so I’m not. It would be a killer dry cleaning bill. Oh, and ladies when someone in one of the few occurances says no, may be its not you. Maybe you just need the Clitter:
Turn your labia into a “Yay”-bia! Yep….I’d hit that.
I Learned Today….That Asians Are Evil, SOULLESS Beings. That Make Some Good Ass Movies Sometimes.
Many of you that have know me for years are well aware of my love/hate relationship with Japan and Korea. Ever since I was a young boy in Italy and got the subbed (FUCK YES! Dubs lick taint!) versions of “Fist of the North Star” and “Gundam” I have been a fan of anime and the music to boot. Then I got into movies once I found out about the interweb and it has been love ever since. As for Korea, aside from a certain girl in college who introduced me to a little someone named BoA I have been down with the K-pop ever since. She also introduced me to K-Dramas (the best of ALL the dramas) and I pretty much download and watch them more than I watch American movies now not starring Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. But it has been a rocky relationship with Japan and Korea (Especially Korea. WHAT IS WITH THE POOP?! SERIOUSLY?!) but much like my relationship with women in general, no matter how bad they treat me, I usually end up coming back after they say they are sorry and they can change. Look at this timeline:
Japanese Pros: Sowelu
Now that is good stuff right there. I remember seeing this video and saying to myself “I don’t even want to put her in the box!” Which is novel because that’s usually the first place my mind goes. And I know she is half-Korean but that’s cool and even makes it better. Like the Japanese Mandy Moore.
Japanese Cons: Panties in vending machines
Okay…now I always thought this was a fucking joke. It is so not. My god….WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! I mean you people are disgusting! And this is coming from someone that watches porn EVERYDAY! Used schoolgirl’s panties in vending machines crosses a line that even I do not cross, and I am batshit crazy!
Korean Pros: Sex Is Zero
One of the few movies that I can watch repeatedly not called “Pootie Tang” or “Big Trouble In Little China” and never EVER get bored. This movie had it all from comedy to plot/character development to drama to Ji-won Ha getting naked (FUCK YES! MY GOD, FUCK YES!). If you get past some nudity and rather soft core sex scenes (As well as a butt sex joke that….let’s just say I know very well) you have a good movie. It is raunchy and crude at some points but nothing that you haven’t seen in “American Pie” and all those movies sucked ass. Fuck you, white people. Not only that, the last 45 minutes are a testament in how you place tragedy into a movie. I will admit; this is one of the four movies for I have cried for a scene. Especially near the end with the confrontation. Great stuff and well worth the watch.
Korean Cons: Kimchi
Ugh. I have had it and it is fucking nasty as all hell. I don’t eat collard greens or chitterlings so don’t even DARE compare it to that. It is nasty and scary and should be banned from consumption. That is all.
Japanese Pros: Silent Library
Greatest show on TV ever. I swear this is the funniest shit I have ever seen sometimes. Others are jacked up but I remember when the Hoag showed me this and I laughed until I stopped. I know it is low brow but with shows like “Punk’d” allowed to be made I am unsure why this isn’t on the air here, at least on G4. I would watch the shit out of this show.
Japanese Cons: Diary of Beloved Wife
DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. My god….this movie was fuck up past Pluto. The beginning wasn’t BAD because those of us who have been there have felt the way he had but man…when she got home it just goes downhill. Sixty seven minutes of my life I will not get back and I am needless to say pissed off. NOT FOR KIDS and not for those that aren’t knowledgeable about the dynamic of some Japanese relationships. Oy vey…
Korean Pros: Cake Dance 2 (Happy Birthday To Me)
Now if you knew how many times I have seen this and how pissed off I am that “Doki & Nabi” is over TWO YEARS LATE then you understand my love of this song. First off, if you haven’t seen the first “Cat & Bunny” flashtoon then go ahead and look for it because it was cool too. This cartoon promotes the interspecies erotica which I am not FOR but at the same time it makes for a kickass love story. Americans don’t make them like this.
Korean Cons: The Pooping
You know what I mean. Don’t act like you don’t. That is all I am going to say about the situation. You nasty….nasty motherfuckers.
Japanese & Korean Pros: Yuna Ito
She makes up for the pooping, the panties, the kimchi and the horrible movies. If you don’t know her work then you are missing out on some good stuff. Especially “Tender Is The Night.”
Japanese Pros: YATTA!!!!
Now THAT is homoerotic.
Japanese Pros: Bukkake Udon
Your innuendo is priceless, Err.
Korean Cons: No new Bi (Rain) Album
WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?! Se7en is coming out this summer with an album and he is even going to be hyped by BET to boot. Now it is best you stay away from BET and its revolutionary descent to suckery but come on! I need me some Bi!
Korean Pros: Bae Seul Gi
Damn….just damn.
And that’s about enough of that. Oh, “200 Pounds Beauty” is getting a sequel. I wonder how they are going to pull THAT off but I am all about some more of Kim Ah-jong.
Well, that is all for now. Griff is back in town so I am about to roll out for a bit but I will be back later on tonight to let you know the winners of the Douchebrawl Regional Finals and let you know who made the Final Four! Until then, stay up peeps!
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Friday, March 21, 2008
What Time Is It?! Party Time!
What is up, peeps! It is another Friday and you know what it is time for!
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We begin this week with a video on its way out….
20. Sowelu – Hikari (Last Week #14)
It looks like the ride is over for Sowelu. It is a shame because I really like this song and the video was very good. Luckily, my baby boo has a new video coming out so its all good for the most part. Sad to see her go….
19. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (New Entry)
YES! It is about time Lupe released a second official single after “Superstar.” This song is rather telling (Story telling that is) and really fits with an equally impressive song. I believe we have a front-runner for the Chachi for Album of the Year! (FUCK WARNER BROTHER MUSIC, BTW)
18. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #15, Two Weeks at #1)
NaNa hold on for YET ANOTHER WEEK! That puts her on here for almost four full months and that shows massive staying power if I say so myself. Can she hold on for another week?
17. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #18)
Kid Sister moves up one spot this week with a little help from Kanye. It seems that he is back to being everywhere which is good because I was really worried that 50 Cent was going to just show up in my fucking living room eating a porkchop sandwich and sipping Vitamin Water. God I hate him.
16. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #20)
The Arc moves up four big spots this week! Can they make it three Top 10 videos in less than a year? I would have to say yes seeing as how this song kicks ass. On another note….Hyde is looking quite Farrah in this video. You know what I mean.
15. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #13)
NEW HAMC ALBUM!! And it is dark as hell. Kind of how I like my rock but even still. For j-pop it is a bit on the Dir En Grey end, minus the overwhelming suck. You heard me; I don’t like Dir En Grey.
14. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #14)
James Morrison looks to have stalled this week as the Countdown is not being kind to him. And neither is radio or video outlets. I have YET to see this video anywhere but here. That is fucking annoying because I can turn and see a T-Pain video guaranteed.
13. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #16)
The Roots are making moves on their first time out on the Countdown. They are a stone’s throw from the Top 10 with another video down the pipe (Although I am not a fan of the new song). The new album is coming soon and I am looking forward to it. Change of pace and all.
12. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #10)
This is UVERworld’s least successful video to ever chart as it didn’t even make the Top 5! That isn’t so bad because the album was bloody great so that makes up for the short-comings of the singles that were released.
11. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #12)
YAAAAAY! Yui is on the verge of having two videos in the Top 10 once again! She was the third to do it (behind UVERworld and John Legend) and it looks like the album will be here sooner rather than later. And the excitement begins!!
10. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #8)
Nelly Furtado once again fails to take the number one spot as she is now one for five to make it to the top. At least she has one. Here is hoping for a new album or AT TLEAST a collaboration of some sort rather than pulling from “Loose” again.
9. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #11)
Just got the single. TASTES GOOOOOOD. Foxxi is back in the Top 10 for the third time! They are looking to finally take the throne as they came short even though they had two videos in the Top 5. There was just way too much hot up there.
8. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #9)
Hearts Grow moves up one spot this week as they slowly and without much fan fare move closer to the top. They keep a real low key profile (I have yet to see a single performance clip) and I guess that is the plan or something. I would like to see at least ONE live performance.
7. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #5)
After failing to take top spot for a fourth time, Mr. Legend falls from the Top 5. I have to go the same route with John that I took with Nelly here. It is about time for a new album. Or at least a collabo.
6. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #7)
Miss Badu is moving up yet again! I will get the album soon, I promise! And dare I say….here booty is great. Just saying.
5. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #3, Four Weeks at #1)
Lupe, Kanye and Pharrell all have new videos out and I am rather excited. Especially because Pharrell is back with the long awaited return of THE TERIYAKI BOYZ!! Hells yeah!
4. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #6)
Yui is back in the Top 5! Could this be as big a year for her as 2007 was? It is looking to be that way as of right now with two new videos and a new album next month! She will have to work hard to top NaNa and maybe even Lupe Fiasco, though. We are down to three!
3. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #4)
Hiroko is back near the top! After a pretty long journey, Mihimaru GT is looking to take over the throne once again! It has been a while since they have been this high and with three singles I will hopefully have a full album from my baby boo soon!
2. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #2)
For the second week in a row, RBD stands pat at number two! You would figure with three hot ladies and two hot fellas (and The Uck, sadly) that they could wrestle away the top spot. But for two straight weeks they have been held back by our current number one…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Three Weeks at #1)
Of course it’s Bennie K! For the third week in a row, they are the Countdown champs and hold off the competition once again! This is the first single from hopefully a new album in 2009! So that means I have something else to look forward to. Aside from my eventual death as I need to become a superstar this year. Until then, Bennie K is still number one!
That is all for this week! Tune in next Friday to see if Bennie K can make it a full month at the top! Or will Rebelde finally take their turn as the crown holders? Or will Mihimaru GT move to number one for the second time? See you all next Friday!
I will be back on Sunday I believe. Be sure to go and vote www.douchebrawl.com as the Regional Finals end Sunday night! After that, the Final Four of Douchebrawl 2008 will begin! We have two close races so all your votes count! Until I return, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!
We begin this week with a video on its way out….
20. Sowelu – Hikari (Last Week #14)
It looks like the ride is over for Sowelu. It is a shame because I really like this song and the video was very good. Luckily, my baby boo has a new video coming out so its all good for the most part. Sad to see her go….
19. Lupe Fiasco feat Nikki Jean – Hip Hop Saved My Life (New Entry)
YES! It is about time Lupe released a second official single after “Superstar.” This song is rather telling (Story telling that is) and really fits with an equally impressive song. I believe we have a front-runner for the Chachi for Album of the Year! (FUCK WARNER BROTHER MUSIC, BTW)
18. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #15, Two Weeks at #1)
NaNa hold on for YET ANOTHER WEEK! That puts her on here for almost four full months and that shows massive staying power if I say so myself. Can she hold on for another week?
17. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #18)
Kid Sister moves up one spot this week with a little help from Kanye. It seems that he is back to being everywhere which is good because I was really worried that 50 Cent was going to just show up in my fucking living room eating a porkchop sandwich and sipping Vitamin Water. God I hate him.
16. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (Last Week #20)
The Arc moves up four big spots this week! Can they make it three Top 10 videos in less than a year? I would have to say yes seeing as how this song kicks ass. On another note….Hyde is looking quite Farrah in this video. You know what I mean.
15. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #13)
NEW HAMC ALBUM!! And it is dark as hell. Kind of how I like my rock but even still. For j-pop it is a bit on the Dir En Grey end, minus the overwhelming suck. You heard me; I don’t like Dir En Grey.
14. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #14)
James Morrison looks to have stalled this week as the Countdown is not being kind to him. And neither is radio or video outlets. I have YET to see this video anywhere but here. That is fucking annoying because I can turn and see a T-Pain video guaranteed.
13. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #16)
The Roots are making moves on their first time out on the Countdown. They are a stone’s throw from the Top 10 with another video down the pipe (Although I am not a fan of the new song). The new album is coming soon and I am looking forward to it. Change of pace and all.
12. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #10)
This is UVERworld’s least successful video to ever chart as it didn’t even make the Top 5! That isn’t so bad because the album was bloody great so that makes up for the short-comings of the singles that were released.
11. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #12)
YAAAAAY! Yui is on the verge of having two videos in the Top 10 once again! She was the third to do it (behind UVERworld and John Legend) and it looks like the album will be here sooner rather than later. And the excitement begins!!
10. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #8)
Nelly Furtado once again fails to take the number one spot as she is now one for five to make it to the top. At least she has one. Here is hoping for a new album or AT TLEAST a collaboration of some sort rather than pulling from “Loose” again.
9. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #11)
Just got the single. TASTES GOOOOOOD. Foxxi is back in the Top 10 for the third time! They are looking to finally take the throne as they came short even though they had two videos in the Top 5. There was just way too much hot up there.
8. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #9)
Hearts Grow moves up one spot this week as they slowly and without much fan fare move closer to the top. They keep a real low key profile (I have yet to see a single performance clip) and I guess that is the plan or something. I would like to see at least ONE live performance.
7. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #5)
After failing to take top spot for a fourth time, Mr. Legend falls from the Top 5. I have to go the same route with John that I took with Nelly here. It is about time for a new album. Or at least a collabo.
6. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #7)
Miss Badu is moving up yet again! I will get the album soon, I promise! And dare I say….here booty is great. Just saying.
5. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #3, Four Weeks at #1)
Lupe, Kanye and Pharrell all have new videos out and I am rather excited. Especially because Pharrell is back with the long awaited return of THE TERIYAKI BOYZ!! Hells yeah!
4. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #6)
Yui is back in the Top 5! Could this be as big a year for her as 2007 was? It is looking to be that way as of right now with two new videos and a new album next month! She will have to work hard to top NaNa and maybe even Lupe Fiasco, though. We are down to three!
3. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #4)
Hiroko is back near the top! After a pretty long journey, Mihimaru GT is looking to take over the throne once again! It has been a while since they have been this high and with three singles I will hopefully have a full album from my baby boo soon!
2. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #2)
For the second week in a row, RBD stands pat at number two! You would figure with three hot ladies and two hot fellas (and The Uck, sadly) that they could wrestle away the top spot. But for two straight weeks they have been held back by our current number one…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Three Weeks at #1)
Of course it’s Bennie K! For the third week in a row, they are the Countdown champs and hold off the competition once again! This is the first single from hopefully a new album in 2009! So that means I have something else to look forward to. Aside from my eventual death as I need to become a superstar this year. Until then, Bennie K is still number one!
That is all for this week! Tune in next Friday to see if Bennie K can make it a full month at the top! Or will Rebelde finally take their turn as the crown holders? Or will Mihimaru GT move to number one for the second time? See you all next Friday!
I will be back on Sunday I believe. Be sure to go and vote www.douchebrawl.com as the Regional Finals end Sunday night! After that, the Final Four of Douchebrawl 2008 will begin! We have two close races so all your votes count! Until I return, stay up peeps.
Chachi Out
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Is Deuce Diddy Dollaz Gonna Have To Smack A Bitch?
What is up, people! I am back for another blog because….I missed you all. Except Sarah in Albany. I didn’t miss you in the slightest. Bitch. So today I am rather pissed. Not because I found out some shit about a job I wanted that was given to someone else with less qualifications (Get a drink in me and I will tell you about it) just because I was already with the company. Although…that does piss me the fuck off. I am pissed because music has officially become shit. I know I say that all the time but I usually find solace in a Lupe Fiasco or Abingdon Boys School song (NEW TM REVOLUTION ALBUM! MAKE IT FUCKING HAPPEN!) to subside my anger. But not this time. Oh hells no. The end of the world has come to a end. Kiss your babies goodbye, tell your parents you love them. Armageddon is here, and once again it is caused by a female. A FEMALE RAPPER no less. So what song is going to cause the Ragnarok I speak of?
“Smell Yo Dick” by Riskay
Yes….you heard that right. Smell yo motherfucking dick. First off, it is a female rapper which combines two of the things I hate the most on this fucking planet. The only thing that would have been worse if she was a TURKISH female rapper. At least extremist Muslims would have had it right and stoned her ass. Okay, that was too far but a severe ass-whoopin would suffice this shit.
SMELL YO’ DICK?! WHAT ARE YOU, A DAMN MONGREL?!
You see, it is shit like this why Hip Hop, women and Black women in particular are never taken seriously. Say what you will about it being “funny” or “ironic” because only niggas say this song is one of those words and as we all know NIGGAS DON’T FUCKING READ SO THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN! Songs like this cut out the hard work that many rappers do to be respected in three and a half shitty, aggravating minutes. What good can seriously come out of this song? It isn’t funny in the slightest and in the end just sounds stupid and I never thought I would say this….vulgar and downright WRONG. This is coming from a guy that has joked about several HORRIBLE THINGS:
• Sex with minors (Why are teenage girls like potato chips? Because once you pop, you cant stop!)
• Sex with animals (Not ALL animals. Just collies They look like they would appreciate you more than labs or golden retrievers would. They look like lovers then leavers)
• Elimination of NO LESS that 100 races, creeds, religions and countries (Hitler was a pussy as far as I’m concerned. You gotta think BIG!)
• Rape (Surprise sex, people. Women love suprises! And if you listen to them they love sex! Best of both fucking worlds!)
• Domestic violence (Throw the jab, bitches! It’s a set up punch!)
• Child abuse (Listen, a child will kill you and everyone you care about. Just like puppies)
• Kicking of puppies (See above. Fuck puppies. Not literally, 21 and up for me. Which means…three in dog years!)
And after all that, that song is fucking gross. Even more so than gross is the fact that it is just plain ignorant. I mean first off, the concept of smelling a penis proves nothing. Bitch, what are you a fucking bloodhound? Even if you DID smell another woman’s nookie nectar on his fuckstick (Innuendo, its spreading) you can’t PROVE anything! You are running on hearsay and conjecture and as we all know those are not forms of evidence! I learned that shit on LA LAW!
Harry Hamlin, Corbin Bernsen, Blair Underwood and Jimmy Smits? SIGN ME UP, SAILOR! They can cross examine me anytime! Hottest show of the 80’s….bar none. Anyway, the fact this song is ANYWHERE is a crime and injustice to ears everywhere. The writers of this song need to be arrested for crimes against humanity much like we did to Saddam Hussein and SHOULD DO to Uwe Boll. If you saw “Alone In The Dark” then you know what I mean. The fact that I am even wasting a rant and post on this is more than I wanted to do but doing this keeps me from KILLING HER. When songs like this are played, the terrorists win. Because they don’t have dick smelling in Arab countries to check for cheating because they smack’em up like a beach ball at a Grateful Dead concert. That and the burka makes smelling nigh impossible. Maybe they DO have it right. This song is stupid and the fact it was made makes Jesus cry. Wait….that’s a good thing!
See, as tasteless as that was to you Christians and Catholics (Big ups to Jews!) it was more tasteful than that song. That is all I have to say about that. You guys stay up and stay away from that song.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
“Smell Yo Dick” by Riskay
Yes….you heard that right. Smell yo motherfucking dick. First off, it is a female rapper which combines two of the things I hate the most on this fucking planet. The only thing that would have been worse if she was a TURKISH female rapper. At least extremist Muslims would have had it right and stoned her ass. Okay, that was too far but a severe ass-whoopin would suffice this shit.
SMELL YO’ DICK?! WHAT ARE YOU, A DAMN MONGREL?!
You see, it is shit like this why Hip Hop, women and Black women in particular are never taken seriously. Say what you will about it being “funny” or “ironic” because only niggas say this song is one of those words and as we all know NIGGAS DON’T FUCKING READ SO THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN! Songs like this cut out the hard work that many rappers do to be respected in three and a half shitty, aggravating minutes. What good can seriously come out of this song? It isn’t funny in the slightest and in the end just sounds stupid and I never thought I would say this….vulgar and downright WRONG. This is coming from a guy that has joked about several HORRIBLE THINGS:
• Sex with minors (Why are teenage girls like potato chips? Because once you pop, you cant stop!)
• Sex with animals (Not ALL animals. Just collies They look like they would appreciate you more than labs or golden retrievers would. They look like lovers then leavers)
• Elimination of NO LESS that 100 races, creeds, religions and countries (Hitler was a pussy as far as I’m concerned. You gotta think BIG!)
• Rape (Surprise sex, people. Women love suprises! And if you listen to them they love sex! Best of both fucking worlds!)
• Domestic violence (Throw the jab, bitches! It’s a set up punch!)
• Child abuse (Listen, a child will kill you and everyone you care about. Just like puppies)
• Kicking of puppies (See above. Fuck puppies. Not literally, 21 and up for me. Which means…three in dog years!)
And after all that, that song is fucking gross. Even more so than gross is the fact that it is just plain ignorant. I mean first off, the concept of smelling a penis proves nothing. Bitch, what are you a fucking bloodhound? Even if you DID smell another woman’s nookie nectar on his fuckstick (Innuendo, its spreading) you can’t PROVE anything! You are running on hearsay and conjecture and as we all know those are not forms of evidence! I learned that shit on LA LAW!
Harry Hamlin, Corbin Bernsen, Blair Underwood and Jimmy Smits? SIGN ME UP, SAILOR! They can cross examine me anytime! Hottest show of the 80’s….bar none. Anyway, the fact this song is ANYWHERE is a crime and injustice to ears everywhere. The writers of this song need to be arrested for crimes against humanity much like we did to Saddam Hussein and SHOULD DO to Uwe Boll. If you saw “Alone In The Dark” then you know what I mean. The fact that I am even wasting a rant and post on this is more than I wanted to do but doing this keeps me from KILLING HER. When songs like this are played, the terrorists win. Because they don’t have dick smelling in Arab countries to check for cheating because they smack’em up like a beach ball at a Grateful Dead concert. That and the burka makes smelling nigh impossible. Maybe they DO have it right. This song is stupid and the fact it was made makes Jesus cry. Wait….that’s a good thing!
See, as tasteless as that was to you Christians and Catholics (Big ups to Jews!) it was more tasteful than that song. That is all I have to say about that. You guys stay up and stay away from that song.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
....And Yet, I Am Still Sober.
What is up, people? I am back today with some awkward news. I am postponing the second half of the 500th Post Extravaganza until Sunday because Comcast is playing asshole Yahtzee with my connection so I decided that a regular update was in order. It has been a weird March and I have had a lot of things running through my mind and I believe it is about that time to let them out. So you are in for a treat as it is time for another installment of…
Chachi’s Random Thoughts!
Never Ask Me A Question When You KNOW I Won’t Say What You Want To Hear.
Now this has been the case for several years now. If you know anything about me you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and my opinions like a spinning championship belt. Ever since I had the nerve to say to a certain young lady “Do you want what I REALLY THINK or what you want to hear because they are two separate things” it has been well known that no woman should never ask my opinion if:
1. You already fucking know what I will say because I have said it before.
2. You want confirmation or encouragement to do something stupid.
3. You want acknowledgement or praise for ALREADY doing something stupid.
4. If you asked me for help, I gave it to you, you DIDN’T FUCKING DO IT and now you are bringing the same dumb ass problem to me AGAIN for help.
5. Asking me a question you already know the answer to or know the answer you want to hear. I may not necessarily smarter than you (Highly unlikely, but sometimes it happens) but I KNOW when that is the case and I will either ignore the hell out of you or say the exact opposite out of spite because you are being a dumbass.
With that being said, I don’t give a fuck if you are going to get a tattoo. I don’t care what it is because I am not a fan. Never have been and never will be. Leave me the fuck alone about it. If you are going to get one, GET ONE. I am NOT going to tell you it is a good idea because I don’t think they are. It is a personal fucking opinion. I wouldn’t get one and I don’t care about your “individuality” because if the reason you are getting a tattoo is individuality then you are a fucktard because tattoos have been around since the dawn of fucking time and just because you get a different DESIGN OF A BUTTERFLY OR KANJI in the same spot on your lower back as every other fucking female in the 50 states you aren’t an individual. You are a conformist with delusions of grandeur. It is like when Shades and L.L. Cool J both sampled that one song and released their singles at the same time:
Here is L.L. Cool J’s “Loungin”
And Shades’ “Tell Me”
Different words, SAME FUCKING SONG. Just like with tattoos. Now this isn’t just about tattoos (And this isn’t about a certain someone asking me about a piercing because you said it best by saying “I already knew YOUR answer.” You receive a reprieve) this is about every question you EVER thing about asking me. If you ask me if you look like a whore in something, odds are you already know that you do look like a whore in the outfit so asking me will only cause your thoughts to be verified. I refuse to lie to spare anyone’s feelings just because they are too damn insecure to do something under their own volition. If you are doing something that you need to have validation about odds are you shouldn’t fucking do it anyway. If you want a tattoo, man up and get one! If you want to wear a dress even though it makes you look fat, work it out like a rib! If you want to be a whore, then be the best damn whore you can be! Cradle the balls, work the shaft and suck like Ashley Blue getting ready to deep dive. Don’t ask, just fucking do. Because I really don’t care and you KNOW I don’t care.
Heed Chris Rock: TAKE OFF THAT SILLY ASS HAT!
Okay, I will admit that fashion is one of the few things I place stock in. I try to look good and smell good (For me because no one else gives a rats ass) but for the most part I try to keep an eye on what looks stupid and I try to avoid it. With that being said, it looks like most people are NOT following the rules of fashion which are simple: don’t look like a fucking tool! How do you avoid that? Well, you follow these simple rules:
1. Pull up your god damn pants! Especially if you buy regular pants that fit and THEN let them hang off your ass. You look like a fucktard.
2. Flip your collar down! Seriously….was that EVER cool after the fucking 50’s? Bro’s need to let this go, especially the shirt under the shirt that has the collar flipped up. HOW LAME ARE YOU?!
3. Ladies, your jacket has to fit. Wearing a half jack and then complaining about being cold should result in getting punched in the ovaries. Dumb things like that should eliminate your right to procreate.
4. Do NOT let it all hang out. Now I am sure you will say that “it isn’t for you” and even if it isn’t show some god damn common sense. I mean logically, what reason do you need to show off your goodies in public? Having your titties hanging out SOUNDS like a good idea for getting a free drink and even catching a man…but is that the clientele you want? Think about it.
5. Black dudes….STOP WITH THE UGLY ASS JACKETS! I mean is it just me, or is the idea of Black men’s fashion to be as ugly and loud as you can allowable by the Fashion Police? Toss ugly baseball caps into that mix, too. The Bathing Apes craze is over. They were always ugly as sin and they still are. The more you look like brightly clothed monkeys, the more people will look at you that way. Aint a damn thing wrong with a button down shirt and a leather jacket. God, what ever happened to NORMAL.
6. If you aint got it (or got too much of it)…don’t flaunt it. Ladies, this has been happening quite a lot lately. I don’t have muscles so I don’t wear tight clothing. I attempt to stay within my fashion bounds. Now….ladies….just because you are a female and you believe the lies that you are all beautiful from dudes that want to fuck you doesn’t mean that everything works for you. If you have no ass, you don’t wear tight pants. If you have too much ass, don’t wear tight pants. You see, tight clothing is a thin line that you should only tread if you are truly ready for that kind of commitment to making that fashion work. You don’t want to see MY ROLLS so I don’t want to see yours. It’s only fair. It is interesting how other women critique other women about bad fashion but when I do it I’m a chauvinist that doesn’t respect women or their freedom to be happy with their body. I am all about being happy with your body but I am also about people managing their freedoms wisely.
7. Fur Isn’t Murder….It’s Just DAMN TACKY. New rule: the only fur that should be worn is from an animal you hunted and killed yourself. Brock Samson did it and so should you. I will make a lot of people think twice about getting a fur lined coat. That shit is damn lame. I mean seriously, you got fur from a small woodland animal and you are wearing it for fashion. Whoopty-damn-doo! It looks stupid because fur should be worn on FUCKING ANIMALS. That is IT. Unless you are going to grow a pair of nuts and just get a panda fur suit with a chinchilla liner inside then don’t even try to get fur. That shit is left for the ballinest of the ballin.
Just a few fashion tips to live by. That is all for now, just had to get those out. The rants are back for the most part as my process goes anger then apathy. Now I am good to go. You all stay up, because I am outta here. And don’t forget to vote at www.douchebrawl.com!
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Chachi’s Random Thoughts!
Never Ask Me A Question When You KNOW I Won’t Say What You Want To Hear.
Now this has been the case for several years now. If you know anything about me you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and my opinions like a spinning championship belt. Ever since I had the nerve to say to a certain young lady “Do you want what I REALLY THINK or what you want to hear because they are two separate things” it has been well known that no woman should never ask my opinion if:
1. You already fucking know what I will say because I have said it before.
2. You want confirmation or encouragement to do something stupid.
3. You want acknowledgement or praise for ALREADY doing something stupid.
4. If you asked me for help, I gave it to you, you DIDN’T FUCKING DO IT and now you are bringing the same dumb ass problem to me AGAIN for help.
5. Asking me a question you already know the answer to or know the answer you want to hear. I may not necessarily smarter than you (Highly unlikely, but sometimes it happens) but I KNOW when that is the case and I will either ignore the hell out of you or say the exact opposite out of spite because you are being a dumbass.
With that being said, I don’t give a fuck if you are going to get a tattoo. I don’t care what it is because I am not a fan. Never have been and never will be. Leave me the fuck alone about it. If you are going to get one, GET ONE. I am NOT going to tell you it is a good idea because I don’t think they are. It is a personal fucking opinion. I wouldn’t get one and I don’t care about your “individuality” because if the reason you are getting a tattoo is individuality then you are a fucktard because tattoos have been around since the dawn of fucking time and just because you get a different DESIGN OF A BUTTERFLY OR KANJI in the same spot on your lower back as every other fucking female in the 50 states you aren’t an individual. You are a conformist with delusions of grandeur. It is like when Shades and L.L. Cool J both sampled that one song and released their singles at the same time:
Here is L.L. Cool J’s “Loungin”
And Shades’ “Tell Me”
Different words, SAME FUCKING SONG. Just like with tattoos. Now this isn’t just about tattoos (And this isn’t about a certain someone asking me about a piercing because you said it best by saying “I already knew YOUR answer.” You receive a reprieve) this is about every question you EVER thing about asking me. If you ask me if you look like a whore in something, odds are you already know that you do look like a whore in the outfit so asking me will only cause your thoughts to be verified. I refuse to lie to spare anyone’s feelings just because they are too damn insecure to do something under their own volition. If you are doing something that you need to have validation about odds are you shouldn’t fucking do it anyway. If you want a tattoo, man up and get one! If you want to wear a dress even though it makes you look fat, work it out like a rib! If you want to be a whore, then be the best damn whore you can be! Cradle the balls, work the shaft and suck like Ashley Blue getting ready to deep dive. Don’t ask, just fucking do. Because I really don’t care and you KNOW I don’t care.
Heed Chris Rock: TAKE OFF THAT SILLY ASS HAT!
Okay, I will admit that fashion is one of the few things I place stock in. I try to look good and smell good (For me because no one else gives a rats ass) but for the most part I try to keep an eye on what looks stupid and I try to avoid it. With that being said, it looks like most people are NOT following the rules of fashion which are simple: don’t look like a fucking tool! How do you avoid that? Well, you follow these simple rules:
1. Pull up your god damn pants! Especially if you buy regular pants that fit and THEN let them hang off your ass. You look like a fucktard.
2. Flip your collar down! Seriously….was that EVER cool after the fucking 50’s? Bro’s need to let this go, especially the shirt under the shirt that has the collar flipped up. HOW LAME ARE YOU?!
3. Ladies, your jacket has to fit. Wearing a half jack and then complaining about being cold should result in getting punched in the ovaries. Dumb things like that should eliminate your right to procreate.
4. Do NOT let it all hang out. Now I am sure you will say that “it isn’t for you” and even if it isn’t show some god damn common sense. I mean logically, what reason do you need to show off your goodies in public? Having your titties hanging out SOUNDS like a good idea for getting a free drink and even catching a man…but is that the clientele you want? Think about it.
5. Black dudes….STOP WITH THE UGLY ASS JACKETS! I mean is it just me, or is the idea of Black men’s fashion to be as ugly and loud as you can allowable by the Fashion Police? Toss ugly baseball caps into that mix, too. The Bathing Apes craze is over. They were always ugly as sin and they still are. The more you look like brightly clothed monkeys, the more people will look at you that way. Aint a damn thing wrong with a button down shirt and a leather jacket. God, what ever happened to NORMAL.
6. If you aint got it (or got too much of it)…don’t flaunt it. Ladies, this has been happening quite a lot lately. I don’t have muscles so I don’t wear tight clothing. I attempt to stay within my fashion bounds. Now….ladies….just because you are a female and you believe the lies that you are all beautiful from dudes that want to fuck you doesn’t mean that everything works for you. If you have no ass, you don’t wear tight pants. If you have too much ass, don’t wear tight pants. You see, tight clothing is a thin line that you should only tread if you are truly ready for that kind of commitment to making that fashion work. You don’t want to see MY ROLLS so I don’t want to see yours. It’s only fair. It is interesting how other women critique other women about bad fashion but when I do it I’m a chauvinist that doesn’t respect women or their freedom to be happy with their body. I am all about being happy with your body but I am also about people managing their freedoms wisely.
7. Fur Isn’t Murder….It’s Just DAMN TACKY. New rule: the only fur that should be worn is from an animal you hunted and killed yourself. Brock Samson did it and so should you. I will make a lot of people think twice about getting a fur lined coat. That shit is damn lame. I mean seriously, you got fur from a small woodland animal and you are wearing it for fashion. Whoopty-damn-doo! It looks stupid because fur should be worn on FUCKING ANIMALS. That is IT. Unless you are going to grow a pair of nuts and just get a panda fur suit with a chinchilla liner inside then don’t even try to get fur. That shit is left for the ballinest of the ballin.
Just a few fashion tips to live by. That is all for now, just had to get those out. The rants are back for the most part as my process goes anger then apathy. Now I am good to go. You all stay up, because I am outta here. And don’t forget to vote at www.douchebrawl.com!
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Sympathy For The Devil!
Top of the evening to ye bastards! I am back on the scene with the gangsta lean! It is a rather letdown of a Monday (I was TOTALLY hoping for a blizzard so I could work remote) as Colorado Springs is officially Colorado’s taint and a half. Whenever I want it to snow, it doesn’t. As soon as I have something to do the wrath of Shiva rains upon me like a summon in Final Fantasy VIII:
Takes shorter time though, I will give reality that. So with that being said I guess this is post number 501 but…what the hell if Star Trek can shake off episode counting I can do it to posts. So I give to you…
Passion of Chachi’s 500th Post Recap Show Extravaganza!!!
So this will be in two parts. The first part (Or today’s post) will be a look back at my first 500 posts and reminisce about a better time when I was young, idealistic and a fun-loving go-getter with a pep in his step and a can-do attitude. Now, I really just realize that life is just a series of spirit-crushing defeats and sob-inducing lows until all those losses and heartbreaks help you get enough strength to achieve Bankai and you finally slay your inner puss:
Yeah, just like Ichigo vs. his inner hollow except my inner hollow liked to listen to power ballads and cry like a Boy Scout after the last overnighter of the year when he had to “learn the ways of being a man” by sharing a sleeping back with the scout master. Glad THAT shit is over. But I digress. Sometimes you have to know where you have been before you can know where you must go as to not to repeat your past mistakes. So, let us look back, shall we?
2006
The date was January 17th, 2006. After being unemployed for about two weeks and not showing up to my first day at T-Mobile (The beginning of my odyssey of like 20 jobs in 20 months after having 2 in almost 8 years) I decided I needed to apply myself. So I created a blog to capture my thoughts for the masses. Now back then I was a bright-eyed 25 year old who despite being raped by the man (Getting laid off kind of sucked even though I was paid for like…9 months afterward) was still optimistic about the world and thought that women had souls (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….bullshit) and the only thing you needed to worry about at a frat party was partying way too hard. As if there was such a thing which there ISN’T. It is funny; my first blog will be forever linked with the one man I despise more than anyone: 50 Cent. I barely remember this post but man when I wrote it I was PISSED. It began not only my love/hate relationship with hip hop but also my love/hate relationship with of all people Black women. It seems that back then I used to have Black friends that would read this and Black women said I was “hating” almost 4:1 over Black men saying it. Even though their only defense was that “50 is fine!” which scientifically showed that Black women may be stupider than silverbacks (More on my love of bestiality jokes later. I’m provocative!) when it comes to these matters because even a beast in the deepest and darkest of the jungle wouldn’t mate with that fucker. As you can tell….I’m STILL kind of an ass.
I noticed looking back that in the beginning I used to rant more. I ranted on the Confederate Flag, Cowboy Troy’s stupid Black ass, the decline of Hip Hop, the double-standard of women (Wanting all the power and none of the responsibility...which led to the zebra analogy) and of course just dipshits in general. Keep in mind that working in Denver I had a LOT of fodder to work with but at the end of the day I was beginning to find my stride as a blogger. My blogs were all over the place (anime one day, video games the next, women the next, etc) and that personally is what made the blog great. Add in some staples like the Countdown every Friday (Which I have only missed once. Dedication, bitches!) and of course “Learnin’ With Master Chief Captain Chachi” which taught us about the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy among other things (J-Pop 101, Offensive Humor and of course….Thugs). Even though 2006 ended on a bad note with me quitting my old job at The Q, I still had the tear stained keyboard of my blog that is my dear diary.
2007
Now this is where the proverbial shit hit the fan. The blog literally blew up as people started to read the damn thing and I became less prohibitive about my life. Even though the amount of posts went down from 2006, they were longer and I had nearly twice as many rants in 2007. With good reason, too. My life was FUCKED UP in 2007 and man….I actually enjoyed every minute of it because I was able to share it with the peeps. From the highs of seeing Wicked and The Little Mermaid to the lows of Chris Benoit and my total sham of a love life. It was all on here and you all read it…and laughed. Rightfully so; that is why I did it. In 2007 the blog became more than just something to do with my free time (and with so many jobs I rarely had any of it). It became my outlet for my views and a place to make people laugh, cry or even hate my guts. Yes, I totally pissed off about 94% of the female population including 98% of my female friends with my words on this bad boy. You know what? I really didn’t care. In retrospect, nothing that I said was wrong. Offensive? Maybe to the plebeians and ones that embodied my rant topics. Hurtful? Yes, the truth usually is because many of us don’t live it. Boy, do I know it. Dead on? You bet your sweet, sweet ass I was. Hey, it was all for help and entertainment. I am a showman and a shrink. Before any of you say that I am a trainwreck I know my faults, I just don’t care. I’m me and happy. Aside from the collie thing.
A lot of good came from 2007. Douchebrawl 2007 had triple the votes of 2006 and the 2nd Annual Chachi Awards actually got comments (Two…but it’s a start!). It was also a big year for “Master Chief Captain Chachi Goes Hollywood” with big reviews for Transformers, Spiderman 3, ATHFCMFFT and the surprising Ratatouille. I learned that Comcast is the devil (Man, am I having conversation about the Cast and their bandwidth tampering that is pissing me off right now. Fuck them) and that women are in the same club. 2007 was a year of instablility and the blog proved it. Did I ever really make sense in this thing? I mean I was borderline manic depressive! But by the end of the year everything made sense again as I went back…to where I fricking started from. And you know what? That ain’t such a bad thing:
Horrible movie, awesome song.
2008
So what does that leave for this year? Most comments about my blog in 2008 is that it is more pointed but it has gotten HELLA BITTER, especially during February to which I will admit. Valentine’s Day was an awkward time for me, I tell you what. However, this year has been more pointed and as you can tell, even thought I have definitely grown from the start of this blog the anger has not changed. Nor will it. As evident by the fact that I have a new rant for today! Can I get a whoop-whoop?!
Today’s Rant: Sympathy
First off, fuck St. Patrick’s Day. There, I said it. But once again…I digress. Now follow me on this one. Let’s take a mouse in a maze as an example. When a mouse goes through the maze and finds cheese, it always goes for it. It is instinct; all animals need sustenance at some point. Now if that cheese has an electric current running through it, the mouse gets shocked and backs away. Unsure what the fuck just happened (As would I. Brie is good but it aint a conduit), the mouse usually goes after it a second time…only to get zapped again. This happens about 65%-75% of the time, the other times the mouse says “fuck this shit, I’m gonna get me some peanut butter” and leaves it alone. Now after the second time, science has proven that the mouse will go for the cheese a third time about 50% of the time if it is hungry. The other 50% it will leave it alone and go away, understanding that if it tries to eat the cheese again that it will get shocked and it didn’t feel good. Now if electroshock is it’s thing that it will OF COURSE go after it but unless you are in “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” that aint nobody’s thing. Now after time, science has proven that this is the same for even larger brained animals like cats, dogs and even monkeys (or Fiddys). After a negative reaction to something that they initially showed interest in will normally result in a lack of interest in said option and will cause a seeking out of a better and less painful solution. It is the same in the jungle with prey and predators. So….why do women get into the same shit over and over again and expect people to feel any sort of sympathy for their repeated attempts to achieve the pointless or proven unnecessary result? Are we to assume that once again….wildlife is smarter?
Say what you will about emotions and all of that jazz. At the end of the day, even the most basic of creatures use a logical progression to figure out their survival. I am not going to say animals don’t feel emotion (I believe that Shaolin watches “Homeward Bound” for a good cry) but they respond to stimuli in a LOGICAL fashion. They get bit, they attack or flee. When they are hungry, they either eat or go hungry. When they are sick, they eat grass or go to Safeway. At least Nala did; she used to drink that Lean but after the tragic death of Pimp C she backed off. Big ups to Sweet Jones. Let’s go into the emotional aspect. When a dog gets sent to the pound after being abused it takes time for it to adjust to new people once it gets adopted. It learns to trust again. Now if that family beats that dog, it is a dog and it for the most part has no other options except take it or run away. Dogs rely on the kindness of humans to help put a stop to it or it defends itself (Or cowers. That is also a part of instinct….ask the French. LE BURN!). Now let’s move to human beings. If you KNOW bad shit happens whenever you do something and you continue to do it then you are really at fault yourself. An animal is a victim because for the most part animals do not have the resources we do. Animals don’t have a police like they did in “Tailspin” or “Darkwing Duck” to call when things get rough. They really (for the most part) have no choice in the families they live with or the life they live. Humans do. You CHOOSE to date people. You ACCEPT a marriage proposal. If the time invested didn’t tell you that something was wrong or going to go wrong in that situation that is one thing. Some people aren’t dicks when you meet them. But some people are. Hell, MOST PEOPLE ARE.
Back to animals. We will never really know they have a concept of asshatery but when they see someone at the pound that they feel is a fucker, they usually growl or move away from said person. You know why? Instinct because animals can smell douchery. Now we humans with are highly advanced minds and superb educational system that gives women Psychology degrees for no reason except to keep them out of the kitchen (BAD MOVE!) can’t teach a simple way to NOT GET INTO A BAD SITUATION? REPEATEDLY?! I mean how many times has someone came to you with the EXACT same problem with a DIFFERENT person and you see the person and say “Are you fucking short some chromosomes?!” because you could smell the fucktard on said person from Hartford? More often than I can count, aieighty. What is even worse is the EXACT SAME PROBLEM WITH THE EXACT SAME PERSON. Fuck the definition of insanity, doing the same shit over and over again and expecting a different result is now the official definition of being a dumbass. I mean, a person that is insane really believes it will be different because they are fucking nuts. If you expect a different result from someone that has been a proven fucktard than to run around in a banana suit and calling themselves banana man at the first sign of being proven to be an idiot then they aren’t the idiot for lashing out like a ten year old at a Nintendo after losing to Mike Tyson in “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out” for the tenth time in a row:
Whoa…flashback. Back to my rant. YOU ARE THE IDIOT. They aren’t mentally sound enough to know that they are being a fucker. You on the other hand, if women are as smart as they claim to be, can logically see how arguing with a idiot is going to end. My goal for the day when I wake up is to make sure that I don’t get in situations where fucked up shit can happen. It is kind of my thing; I really don’t like drama so I try to avoid drama queens and fucktards. Now I have slipped up on that sometimes and I know some of you are out there saying, “Hey, you end up in jacked up situations and relationships all the time! Who are you to judge?” Well, very simple answer to that. I am NOT judging anyone; I am just laying down a logical path to stay out of trouble. I AM saying that if you keep doing the same thing over and over to yourself, pretty soon people stop giving a fuck and honestly I believe they should. At the end of the day, the only person that can judge you is you (God doesn’t count, because he loves you no matter what you do or how many alterboys you fuck in the ass. God bless Catholics!) so if YOU are okay with your decisions then knock yourself out. However, if you are looking for sympathy you obviously AREN’T happy with your actions so figure out the issue and remedy it. Even if that means making a decision that doesn’t seem right at first because in the end…it’s all about your sanity.
Also, I don’t have the SAME jacked up shit happen. I have DIFFERENT jacked up shit happen which not only means I have learned a lot but it means that I can have a good laugh at my own expense because I can chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. When you charge it to the game, you have to pay attention to the bill so you don’t end up getting that shitty entrée or watching that horrible movie again. That is one to grow on.
Sorry about the downer of a rant but that is some shit that must be said. That works for all walks of life, all ages and most problems. The evitable is one thing but when you know the end results it is up to you to make that choice for the better. Ask any boxer; the best counter-punch is stopping your opponents punch before they even throw it. Ask this dude:
Damn….now that’s gangsta. I am out for now. Depending on how Comcast wants to fuck with my bandwidth I will have the second half of my 500th Post Extravaganza tomorrow. This one is for the fellas. Hot ladies abound!
On another serious note, a big thanks to everyone that comes here. I truly appreciate you coming on and reading what I have to say. I hope you have enjoyed what I put up because I enjoy having an outlet to release my anger and give my insight. So you come on back now, ya hear? You always have a seat and a nice cool glass of knowledge and laughs at the Passion of Chachi. Until the next time we meet, you stay up now.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Takes shorter time though, I will give reality that. So with that being said I guess this is post number 501 but…what the hell if Star Trek can shake off episode counting I can do it to posts. So I give to you…
Passion of Chachi’s 500th Post Recap Show Extravaganza!!!
So this will be in two parts. The first part (Or today’s post) will be a look back at my first 500 posts and reminisce about a better time when I was young, idealistic and a fun-loving go-getter with a pep in his step and a can-do attitude. Now, I really just realize that life is just a series of spirit-crushing defeats and sob-inducing lows until all those losses and heartbreaks help you get enough strength to achieve Bankai and you finally slay your inner puss:
Yeah, just like Ichigo vs. his inner hollow except my inner hollow liked to listen to power ballads and cry like a Boy Scout after the last overnighter of the year when he had to “learn the ways of being a man” by sharing a sleeping back with the scout master. Glad THAT shit is over. But I digress. Sometimes you have to know where you have been before you can know where you must go as to not to repeat your past mistakes. So, let us look back, shall we?
2006
The date was January 17th, 2006. After being unemployed for about two weeks and not showing up to my first day at T-Mobile (The beginning of my odyssey of like 20 jobs in 20 months after having 2 in almost 8 years) I decided I needed to apply myself. So I created a blog to capture my thoughts for the masses. Now back then I was a bright-eyed 25 year old who despite being raped by the man (Getting laid off kind of sucked even though I was paid for like…9 months afterward) was still optimistic about the world and thought that women had souls (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….bullshit) and the only thing you needed to worry about at a frat party was partying way too hard. As if there was such a thing which there ISN’T. It is funny; my first blog will be forever linked with the one man I despise more than anyone: 50 Cent. I barely remember this post but man when I wrote it I was PISSED. It began not only my love/hate relationship with hip hop but also my love/hate relationship with of all people Black women. It seems that back then I used to have Black friends that would read this and Black women said I was “hating” almost 4:1 over Black men saying it. Even though their only defense was that “50 is fine!” which scientifically showed that Black women may be stupider than silverbacks (More on my love of bestiality jokes later. I’m provocative!) when it comes to these matters because even a beast in the deepest and darkest of the jungle wouldn’t mate with that fucker. As you can tell….I’m STILL kind of an ass.
I noticed looking back that in the beginning I used to rant more. I ranted on the Confederate Flag, Cowboy Troy’s stupid Black ass, the decline of Hip Hop, the double-standard of women (Wanting all the power and none of the responsibility...which led to the zebra analogy) and of course just dipshits in general. Keep in mind that working in Denver I had a LOT of fodder to work with but at the end of the day I was beginning to find my stride as a blogger. My blogs were all over the place (anime one day, video games the next, women the next, etc) and that personally is what made the blog great. Add in some staples like the Countdown every Friday (Which I have only missed once. Dedication, bitches!) and of course “Learnin’ With Master Chief Captain Chachi” which taught us about the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy among other things (J-Pop 101, Offensive Humor and of course….Thugs). Even though 2006 ended on a bad note with me quitting my old job at The Q, I still had the tear stained keyboard of my blog that is my dear diary.
2007
Now this is where the proverbial shit hit the fan. The blog literally blew up as people started to read the damn thing and I became less prohibitive about my life. Even though the amount of posts went down from 2006, they were longer and I had nearly twice as many rants in 2007. With good reason, too. My life was FUCKED UP in 2007 and man….I actually enjoyed every minute of it because I was able to share it with the peeps. From the highs of seeing Wicked and The Little Mermaid to the lows of Chris Benoit and my total sham of a love life. It was all on here and you all read it…and laughed. Rightfully so; that is why I did it. In 2007 the blog became more than just something to do with my free time (and with so many jobs I rarely had any of it). It became my outlet for my views and a place to make people laugh, cry or even hate my guts. Yes, I totally pissed off about 94% of the female population including 98% of my female friends with my words on this bad boy. You know what? I really didn’t care. In retrospect, nothing that I said was wrong. Offensive? Maybe to the plebeians and ones that embodied my rant topics. Hurtful? Yes, the truth usually is because many of us don’t live it. Boy, do I know it. Dead on? You bet your sweet, sweet ass I was. Hey, it was all for help and entertainment. I am a showman and a shrink. Before any of you say that I am a trainwreck I know my faults, I just don’t care. I’m me and happy. Aside from the collie thing.
A lot of good came from 2007. Douchebrawl 2007 had triple the votes of 2006 and the 2nd Annual Chachi Awards actually got comments (Two…but it’s a start!). It was also a big year for “Master Chief Captain Chachi Goes Hollywood” with big reviews for Transformers, Spiderman 3, ATHFCMFFT and the surprising Ratatouille. I learned that Comcast is the devil (Man, am I having conversation about the Cast and their bandwidth tampering that is pissing me off right now. Fuck them) and that women are in the same club. 2007 was a year of instablility and the blog proved it. Did I ever really make sense in this thing? I mean I was borderline manic depressive! But by the end of the year everything made sense again as I went back…to where I fricking started from. And you know what? That ain’t such a bad thing:
Horrible movie, awesome song.
2008
So what does that leave for this year? Most comments about my blog in 2008 is that it is more pointed but it has gotten HELLA BITTER, especially during February to which I will admit. Valentine’s Day was an awkward time for me, I tell you what. However, this year has been more pointed and as you can tell, even thought I have definitely grown from the start of this blog the anger has not changed. Nor will it. As evident by the fact that I have a new rant for today! Can I get a whoop-whoop?!
Today’s Rant: Sympathy
First off, fuck St. Patrick’s Day. There, I said it. But once again…I digress. Now follow me on this one. Let’s take a mouse in a maze as an example. When a mouse goes through the maze and finds cheese, it always goes for it. It is instinct; all animals need sustenance at some point. Now if that cheese has an electric current running through it, the mouse gets shocked and backs away. Unsure what the fuck just happened (As would I. Brie is good but it aint a conduit), the mouse usually goes after it a second time…only to get zapped again. This happens about 65%-75% of the time, the other times the mouse says “fuck this shit, I’m gonna get me some peanut butter” and leaves it alone. Now after the second time, science has proven that the mouse will go for the cheese a third time about 50% of the time if it is hungry. The other 50% it will leave it alone and go away, understanding that if it tries to eat the cheese again that it will get shocked and it didn’t feel good. Now if electroshock is it’s thing that it will OF COURSE go after it but unless you are in “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” that aint nobody’s thing. Now after time, science has proven that this is the same for even larger brained animals like cats, dogs and even monkeys (or Fiddys). After a negative reaction to something that they initially showed interest in will normally result in a lack of interest in said option and will cause a seeking out of a better and less painful solution. It is the same in the jungle with prey and predators. So….why do women get into the same shit over and over again and expect people to feel any sort of sympathy for their repeated attempts to achieve the pointless or proven unnecessary result? Are we to assume that once again….wildlife is smarter?
Say what you will about emotions and all of that jazz. At the end of the day, even the most basic of creatures use a logical progression to figure out their survival. I am not going to say animals don’t feel emotion (I believe that Shaolin watches “Homeward Bound” for a good cry) but they respond to stimuli in a LOGICAL fashion. They get bit, they attack or flee. When they are hungry, they either eat or go hungry. When they are sick, they eat grass or go to Safeway. At least Nala did; she used to drink that Lean but after the tragic death of Pimp C she backed off. Big ups to Sweet Jones. Let’s go into the emotional aspect. When a dog gets sent to the pound after being abused it takes time for it to adjust to new people once it gets adopted. It learns to trust again. Now if that family beats that dog, it is a dog and it for the most part has no other options except take it or run away. Dogs rely on the kindness of humans to help put a stop to it or it defends itself (Or cowers. That is also a part of instinct….ask the French. LE BURN!). Now let’s move to human beings. If you KNOW bad shit happens whenever you do something and you continue to do it then you are really at fault yourself. An animal is a victim because for the most part animals do not have the resources we do. Animals don’t have a police like they did in “Tailspin” or “Darkwing Duck” to call when things get rough. They really (for the most part) have no choice in the families they live with or the life they live. Humans do. You CHOOSE to date people. You ACCEPT a marriage proposal. If the time invested didn’t tell you that something was wrong or going to go wrong in that situation that is one thing. Some people aren’t dicks when you meet them. But some people are. Hell, MOST PEOPLE ARE.
Back to animals. We will never really know they have a concept of asshatery but when they see someone at the pound that they feel is a fucker, they usually growl or move away from said person. You know why? Instinct because animals can smell douchery. Now we humans with are highly advanced minds and superb educational system that gives women Psychology degrees for no reason except to keep them out of the kitchen (BAD MOVE!) can’t teach a simple way to NOT GET INTO A BAD SITUATION? REPEATEDLY?! I mean how many times has someone came to you with the EXACT same problem with a DIFFERENT person and you see the person and say “Are you fucking short some chromosomes?!” because you could smell the fucktard on said person from Hartford? More often than I can count, aieighty. What is even worse is the EXACT SAME PROBLEM WITH THE EXACT SAME PERSON. Fuck the definition of insanity, doing the same shit over and over again and expecting a different result is now the official definition of being a dumbass. I mean, a person that is insane really believes it will be different because they are fucking nuts. If you expect a different result from someone that has been a proven fucktard than to run around in a banana suit and calling themselves banana man at the first sign of being proven to be an idiot then they aren’t the idiot for lashing out like a ten year old at a Nintendo after losing to Mike Tyson in “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out” for the tenth time in a row:
Whoa…flashback. Back to my rant. YOU ARE THE IDIOT. They aren’t mentally sound enough to know that they are being a fucker. You on the other hand, if women are as smart as they claim to be, can logically see how arguing with a idiot is going to end. My goal for the day when I wake up is to make sure that I don’t get in situations where fucked up shit can happen. It is kind of my thing; I really don’t like drama so I try to avoid drama queens and fucktards. Now I have slipped up on that sometimes and I know some of you are out there saying, “Hey, you end up in jacked up situations and relationships all the time! Who are you to judge?” Well, very simple answer to that. I am NOT judging anyone; I am just laying down a logical path to stay out of trouble. I AM saying that if you keep doing the same thing over and over to yourself, pretty soon people stop giving a fuck and honestly I believe they should. At the end of the day, the only person that can judge you is you (God doesn’t count, because he loves you no matter what you do or how many alterboys you fuck in the ass. God bless Catholics!) so if YOU are okay with your decisions then knock yourself out. However, if you are looking for sympathy you obviously AREN’T happy with your actions so figure out the issue and remedy it. Even if that means making a decision that doesn’t seem right at first because in the end…it’s all about your sanity.
Also, I don’t have the SAME jacked up shit happen. I have DIFFERENT jacked up shit happen which not only means I have learned a lot but it means that I can have a good laugh at my own expense because I can chalk it up as a loss and charge it to the game. When you charge it to the game, you have to pay attention to the bill so you don’t end up getting that shitty entrée or watching that horrible movie again. That is one to grow on.
Sorry about the downer of a rant but that is some shit that must be said. That works for all walks of life, all ages and most problems. The evitable is one thing but when you know the end results it is up to you to make that choice for the better. Ask any boxer; the best counter-punch is stopping your opponents punch before they even throw it. Ask this dude:
Damn….now that’s gangsta. I am out for now. Depending on how Comcast wants to fuck with my bandwidth I will have the second half of my 500th Post Extravaganza tomorrow. This one is for the fellas. Hot ladies abound!
On another serious note, a big thanks to everyone that comes here. I truly appreciate you coming on and reading what I have to say. I hope you have enjoyed what I put up because I enjoy having an outlet to release my anger and give my insight. So you come on back now, ya hear? You always have a seat and a nice cool glass of knowledge and laughs at the Passion of Chachi. Until the next time we meet, you stay up now.
Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Eight Isn't Enough!
What is up, people! It is a cold ass Sunday night but Douchebrawl 2008 is officially heating up! We have our eight Regional Finalists and here are the results of the Suckass Sixteen!
Acting Region
(1) Tom Cruise over (12) New York (Tiffany Pollard)
Tom Cruise dominated the upstart New York in his Suckass Sixteen return. She got very far in her first year in the tournament but she couldn’t stop the Douchernaught that is Tom Cruise. So, who will Tom face in the Acting Regional Final?
(2) Kim Kardashian over (3) T-Pain
Two newcomers facing off in the Suckass Sixteen and Kim proved her sucking abilities by beating off two black men en route to the Regional Finals! Yes…that was a low blow. But she blows low. I KID, I KID! I actually have nothing against her but you all do or something. Let’s move on to the opposing bracket!
Asshat Region
(1) Britney Spears over (4) Tara Reid
So Tara Reid loses once again in the Suckass Sixteen! Britney is looking to make her first Douchebrawl final after a 2007 that would have actually made her a shoo in. However, she has to beat a veteran of the Douchebrawl world…
(3) Kevin Federline over (2) 50 Cent
And 50 Cent is once again denied greatness! For the second straight year he will NOT make the finals as he is defeated the man who is the only one to go to the finals two straight years! K-Fed had a slow 2007 but STILL defeated Fiddy in route to a faceoff with his ex-wife! It’s ON NOW! Now to the other end of the brackets!
Trollop Region
(1) Lindsay Lohan over (4) Akon
Lindsay continues her quest to be the first back-to-back Douchebrawl winner as she runs roughshod through newcomer Akon! As much as I DON’T like the guy he did put up a fight against the defending champ but in the end, Linsday sucked a little bit too much. So who will she face off against?
(3) Amy Winehouse over (2) George Clooney
The douchery of The Clooney is outdone by the outright asshatery of Amy Winehouse! I don’t care if she has Grammy’s. So does Fergie so they officially mean jack shit. The Clooney loses once again in Douchebrawl and once again to a newcomer. The Trollop region will have one hell of a Regional Final! So who will this winner face?
Musician Region
(1) Bono over (5) Heather Graham
So once again, Bono is one step away! He soundly defeated Heather Graham who was making her return from her Cinderella performance two years ago but she was no match for the uncrowned “Douche of the Universe.” Bono once again has a shot for the finals, but who will he face?
(2) Paris Hilton over (11) Bobby Petrino
Not really a shocker but Paris is back! She has defeated another first-timer in the Suckass Sixteen in Bobby Petrino. He put up a good fight but didn’t even get a vote after the first day so people are against Paris more than Bobby.
With all that said, the Regional Finals are set and the polls are up and ready! Let’s take a look at the final eight participants in Douchebrawl 2008!!
Action Regional Final
(1) Tom Cruise vs. (2) Kim Kardashian
Asshat Regional Final
(1) Britney Spears vs. (3) Kevin Federline
Trollop Region
(1) Lindsay Lohan vs. (3) Amy Winehouse
Musician Region
(1) Bono vs. (2) Paris Hilton
Go out and get to voting! The 500th Post Spectacular will be up this week at some point so stay tuned! Until then, VOTE OR DIE!!
Live, Laugh, Learn & Love.
Acting Region
(1) Tom Cruise over (12) New York (Tiffany Pollard)
Tom Cruise dominated the upstart New York in his Suckass Sixteen return. She got very far in her first year in the tournament but she couldn’t stop the Douchernaught that is Tom Cruise. So, who will Tom face in the Acting Regional Final?
(2) Kim Kardashian over (3) T-Pain
Two newcomers facing off in the Suckass Sixteen and Kim proved her sucking abilities by beating off two black men en route to the Regional Finals! Yes…that was a low blow. But she blows low. I KID, I KID! I actually have nothing against her but you all do or something. Let’s move on to the opposing bracket!
Asshat Region
(1) Britney Spears over (4) Tara Reid
So Tara Reid loses once again in the Suckass Sixteen! Britney is looking to make her first Douchebrawl final after a 2007 that would have actually made her a shoo in. However, she has to beat a veteran of the Douchebrawl world…
(3) Kevin Federline over (2) 50 Cent
And 50 Cent is once again denied greatness! For the second straight year he will NOT make the finals as he is defeated the man who is the only one to go to the finals two straight years! K-Fed had a slow 2007 but STILL defeated Fiddy in route to a faceoff with his ex-wife! It’s ON NOW! Now to the other end of the brackets!
Trollop Region
(1) Lindsay Lohan over (4) Akon
Lindsay continues her quest to be the first back-to-back Douchebrawl winner as she runs roughshod through newcomer Akon! As much as I DON’T like the guy he did put up a fight against the defending champ but in the end, Linsday sucked a little bit too much. So who will she face off against?
(3) Amy Winehouse over (2) George Clooney
The douchery of The Clooney is outdone by the outright asshatery of Amy Winehouse! I don’t care if she has Grammy’s. So does Fergie so they officially mean jack shit. The Clooney loses once again in Douchebrawl and once again to a newcomer. The Trollop region will have one hell of a Regional Final! So who will this winner face?
Musician Region
(1) Bono over (5) Heather Graham
So once again, Bono is one step away! He soundly defeated Heather Graham who was making her return from her Cinderella performance two years ago but she was no match for the uncrowned “Douche of the Universe.” Bono once again has a shot for the finals, but who will he face?
(2) Paris Hilton over (11) Bobby Petrino
Not really a shocker but Paris is back! She has defeated another first-timer in the Suckass Sixteen in Bobby Petrino. He put up a good fight but didn’t even get a vote after the first day so people are against Paris more than Bobby.
With all that said, the Regional Finals are set and the polls are up and ready! Let’s take a look at the final eight participants in Douchebrawl 2008!!
Action Regional Final
(1) Tom Cruise vs. (2) Kim Kardashian
Asshat Regional Final
(1) Britney Spears vs. (3) Kevin Federline
Trollop Region
(1) Lindsay Lohan vs. (3) Amy Winehouse
Musician Region
(1) Bono vs. (2) Paris Hilton
Go out and get to voting! The 500th Post Spectacular will be up this week at some point so stay tuned! Until then, VOTE OR DIE!!
Live, Laugh, Learn & Love.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Crappy Movie Sense....TINGLING!
First things first: "Horton Hears A Who" actually wasnt bad. Any movie with REO Speedwagon can’t be that bad. You fucking heard me. THE WAGON IS LOOSE! Secondly, I saw "The Incredible Hulk" teaser trailer last night during "America's Best Dance Crew" (Kaba Modern KILLED IT! Even though Yuri messed up and ended up crying. I'll console you, baby...) and um....
Anyone think this looks like "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer?" Except....suckier? I mean how hard is it to make a movie where Hulk fucking smashes shit? I mean he gets mad, he smashes shit up, he calms down and he hitchhikes to the next town. ITS A FUCKING SIMPLE FORMULA THAT WORKED WITH LOU FERRIGNO! I mean if you can make it work with him you can make it work with any-damn-body! How can comic book movies be continually hit or miss when the formula is so easy to make it work? Batman did it, X-Men did it, Spiderman did it, Iron Man will do it and even Superman had the right idea until it collapsed under its own sense of self-superiority.
Aside from Harry Potter sequels and shitty PG-13 horror movies, comic book movies are the easiest form of media to create because they have a built in fan base which means that with a marginal amount of effort you can take a “meh” character and turn it into at LEAST a modest hit (see: Hellboy). I understand the bar was set high for comic book movies with “Batman Begins” and will honestly be set even HIGHER with "Iron Man" (which will have a more crossover appeal with mainstream movie goers even though Iron Man is nowhere near as popular as Spiderman because of the type of character Tony Stark is and bros love explosions. Trust me) and “The Dark Knight” but when you have a sure fire thing don’t try your best to fuck it up. Having a Hulk movie with a plot is like making LeBron James play soccer. It’s not what he does best and at the end of the day no one will want to see him do it.
HULK NO THINK! HULK SMASH!
Eh, what can one man do? I will be back up on Sunday but until then, stay up.
Anyone think this looks like "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer?" Except....suckier? I mean how hard is it to make a movie where Hulk fucking smashes shit? I mean he gets mad, he smashes shit up, he calms down and he hitchhikes to the next town. ITS A FUCKING SIMPLE FORMULA THAT WORKED WITH LOU FERRIGNO! I mean if you can make it work with him you can make it work with any-damn-body! How can comic book movies be continually hit or miss when the formula is so easy to make it work? Batman did it, X-Men did it, Spiderman did it, Iron Man will do it and even Superman had the right idea until it collapsed under its own sense of self-superiority.
Aside from Harry Potter sequels and shitty PG-13 horror movies, comic book movies are the easiest form of media to create because they have a built in fan base which means that with a marginal amount of effort you can take a “meh” character and turn it into at LEAST a modest hit (see: Hellboy). I understand the bar was set high for comic book movies with “Batman Begins” and will honestly be set even HIGHER with "Iron Man" (which will have a more crossover appeal with mainstream movie goers even though Iron Man is nowhere near as popular as Spiderman because of the type of character Tony Stark is and bros love explosions. Trust me) and “The Dark Knight” but when you have a sure fire thing don’t try your best to fuck it up. Having a Hulk movie with a plot is like making LeBron James play soccer. It’s not what he does best and at the end of the day no one will want to see him do it.
HULK NO THINK! HULK SMASH!
Eh, what can one man do? I will be back up on Sunday but until then, stay up.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Something Tells Me I Am About To Be Pissed...
What is up, people! It is another Friday so you know what that means! It is time for the staple…
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!!
We start with the return of a legend!
20. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (New Entry)
Hyde and Company are back, baby! After two Top Ten videos (including the chart topper “SEVENTH HEAVEN”) The Arc has returned with a new single and video. Nowhere near as visual as their previous three from 2007…but its Hyde. And he is looking SUPERFINE. I’m straight, but I would bring him home. To perform this song, jerks. Where yo head at?
19. Alicia Keys – Like You’ll Never See Me Again (Last Week #17, One Week at #1)
It is time to say goodbye to the fine ass Alicia Keys as this looks to be her last week on the Countdown. It has been a very dominant 5 months for her, as she has been a fixture but it had to end sometime. I’m gonna miss my baby.
18. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #18)
After jumping up two spots last week, Kid Sister holds pat at number 18. Not much about her album yet but that song “Switchboard” isn’t bad. It isn’t GOOD but it isn’t bad either.
17. Sowelu – Hikari (Last Week #14)
GIVE ME SOME MORE SOWELU!!! Preferably just standing around looking cute as all hell. Said it once and I will say it again: the Asian Mandy Moore. Which means I want some more of that.
16. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #19)
The Roots ALREADY have a new song out and the video for their new single with Patrick Stump from Fall Out Boy. Sounds….interesting. This video is well on the way to becoming a ringtone because this beat is rather as the kids say “bananas.”
15. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #12, Two Weeks at #1)
NaNa continues to hang on after four months! This video is not going away mainly because I need my fix and I cant find any more work from her because….God hates me.
14. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #15)
James Morrison makes his slow rise up the Countdown, moving up one spot this week. I am thoughalllt shocked by how few people know about this guy. He is the tits and a half!
13. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #9)
After coming so close to the top, HAMC fall out of the Top Ten this week. You know, I felt kind of ripped off with the greatest hits album last year rather than a new one but I cant complain because old HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR rocks more than most stuff now.
12. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #16)
Man, 2008 is going to kick ass. I gots me some Yui f0r the first time in five months and I cannot be any happier. I am totally waiting for her album next month and SO SHOULD YOU! She is freaking awesome and….I think she’s hot. But I’m weird.
11. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #13)
Now aint a man alive going to argue that the members of Foxxi MisQ aint hot. If they do….they’s got problems. Take note ladies: if you cant make the dress work, give someone else the job. Because they are WORKING THOSE DRESSES OUT in this video! Tastes gooooooooooooooood.
10. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #7)
For the first time ever it looks like UVERworld isn’t going to crack the Top Three! Even though their album is arguably the best of the year. That was a shock because I was not impressed with the initial singles from the album but the non-single tracks ROCK. Even “Endscape” has grown on me.
9. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #10)
Hearts Grow slowly moves up another spot this week as they keep their upward trend going. You know, it’s nice to see just a normal video from a female band. Rather than self-imposed “booty butt cheeks.”
8. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #5)
Nelly Furtado falls three spots this week as her quest to top the chart once again seems to be over. I wonder how long she plans to milk this whole “Loose” album. She is trying to pull a Fergie and we all know how much I wish that man would come out of the closet.
7. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #11, Biggest Mover)
Ms. Badu is in the Top 10! I actually haven’t been able to pick up her album yet but I plan to at some point next week. This video is one of the best I have seen in a while (Not by UGK and Outkast, of course) and I heard her album is one of the better ones of 2008. Pick it up, fools!
6. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #8)
Looks like we got us some more Yui! Although I would prefer a more rocking song (It has pretty much been all ballad videos/songs since “My Generation”) I must admit this video has really grown on me. Can this video give her a third number one?
5. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #3)
After falling short of the elusive fourth tenure at the top spot, John Legend falls two big spots this week. Did you see him on The Colbert Report last week? Priceless, the man is a true talent. Kind of makes you put R. Kelly’s pissing ass in perspective.
4. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #6)
Look out now, but Mihimaru GT is eyeing the number one spot yet again! They move up into the top five this week and seem to be gaining some more momentum. With three singles already, I believe a new album can’t be far behind seeing as how I have thoroughly abuse their greatest hits folder on my iPod. And now….we are down to three!
3. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #2, Four Weeks at #1)
After a long month-long run at number one, CRS falls one more spot to number three. Kanye and Lupe BOTH have new video and I am really excited about Lupe’s new video because it looks to be like Talib Kweli’s “The Blast” while Kanye is releasing “Homecoming” in a few days actually. Hip hop is BACK!
2. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #4)
YES! Dulce, Anahi and Maite are one step away from Countdown immortality! The leapfrog CRS to take over the runner up spot, their highest position ever. This is only their second time on the Countdown at all and even with a year between videos they still have the staying power to be one step from the top. But the champ remains the same…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)
Bennie K holds on for another week! I am totally looking forward to more Bennie K but until then this video and song reign supreme. Oh…and I really want me some Cico. Just all sexy like and whatnot. Yuki, you aint bad yo damn’self. Your combined hotness locks the top spot down for a second week. Congrats!
That is all for this week, peeps! Tune in next week to see if Bennie K can make it three weeks at number one! Or can RBD heat up the top spot and take it for the first time? Or will CRS pull a UGK/UVERworld and reclaim the throne? See you next Friday!
Chachi Out!
Chachi’s Top 20 Video Countdown!!
We start with the return of a legend!
20. L`Arc~en~Ciel – DRINK IT DOWN (New Entry)
Hyde and Company are back, baby! After two Top Ten videos (including the chart topper “SEVENTH HEAVEN”) The Arc has returned with a new single and video. Nowhere near as visual as their previous three from 2007…but its Hyde. And he is looking SUPERFINE. I’m straight, but I would bring him home. To perform this song, jerks. Where yo head at?
19. Alicia Keys – Like You’ll Never See Me Again (Last Week #17, One Week at #1)
It is time to say goodbye to the fine ass Alicia Keys as this looks to be her last week on the Countdown. It has been a very dominant 5 months for her, as she has been a fixture but it had to end sometime. I’m gonna miss my baby.
18. Kid Sister feat. Kanye West – Pro Nails (Last Week #18)
After jumping up two spots last week, Kid Sister holds pat at number 18. Not much about her album yet but that song “Switchboard” isn’t bad. It isn’t GOOD but it isn’t bad either.
17. Sowelu – Hikari (Last Week #14)
GIVE ME SOME MORE SOWELU!!! Preferably just standing around looking cute as all hell. Said it once and I will say it again: the Asian Mandy Moore. Which means I want some more of that.
16. The Roots feat Dice Raw & Peedi Crack – Get Busy (Last Week #19)
The Roots ALREADY have a new song out and the video for their new single with Patrick Stump from Fall Out Boy. Sounds….interesting. This video is well on the way to becoming a ringtone because this beat is rather as the kids say “bananas.”
15. NaNa – SHOW GIRL (Last Week #12, Two Weeks at #1)
NaNa continues to hang on after four months! This video is not going away mainly because I need my fix and I cant find any more work from her because….God hates me.
14. James Morrison – You Give Me Something (Last Week #15)
James Morrison makes his slow rise up the Countdown, moving up one spot this week. I am thoughalllt shocked by how few people know about this guy. He is the tits and a half!
13. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR – Amazing (Last Week #9)
After coming so close to the top, HAMC fall out of the Top Ten this week. You know, I felt kind of ripped off with the greatest hits album last year rather than a new one but I cant complain because old HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR rocks more than most stuff now.
12. Yui – Laugh Away (Last Week #16)
Man, 2008 is going to kick ass. I gots me some Yui f0r the first time in five months and I cannot be any happier. I am totally waiting for her album next month and SO SHOULD YOU! She is freaking awesome and….I think she’s hot. But I’m weird.
11. Foxxi MisQ – X.B.F. (Last Week #13)
Now aint a man alive going to argue that the members of Foxxi MisQ aint hot. If they do….they’s got problems. Take note ladies: if you cant make the dress work, give someone else the job. Because they are WORKING THOSE DRESSES OUT in this video! Tastes gooooooooooooooood.
10. UVERworld - Roots (Last Week #7)
For the first time ever it looks like UVERworld isn’t going to crack the Top Three! Even though their album is arguably the best of the year. That was a shock because I was not impressed with the initial singles from the album but the non-single tracks ROCK. Even “Endscape” has grown on me.
9. Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage (Last Week #10)
Hearts Grow slowly moves up another spot this week as they keep their upward trend going. You know, it’s nice to see just a normal video from a female band. Rather than self-imposed “booty butt cheeks.”
8. Nelly Furtado – In God’s Hands (Last Week #5)
Nelly Furtado falls three spots this week as her quest to top the chart once again seems to be over. I wonder how long she plans to milk this whole “Loose” album. She is trying to pull a Fergie and we all know how much I wish that man would come out of the closet.
7. Erykah Badu - Honey (Last Week #11, Biggest Mover)
Ms. Badu is in the Top 10! I actually haven’t been able to pick up her album yet but I plan to at some point next week. This video is one of the best I have seen in a while (Not by UGK and Outkast, of course) and I heard her album is one of the better ones of 2008. Pick it up, fools!
6. Yui – Namidairo (Last Week #8)
Looks like we got us some more Yui! Although I would prefer a more rocking song (It has pretty much been all ballad videos/songs since “My Generation”) I must admit this video has really grown on me. Can this video give her a third number one?
5. John Legend – Show Me (Last Week #3)
After falling short of the elusive fourth tenure at the top spot, John Legend falls two big spots this week. Did you see him on The Colbert Report last week? Priceless, the man is a true talent. Kind of makes you put R. Kelly’s pissing ass in perspective.
4. Mihimaru GT – Diverge (Last Week #6)
Look out now, but Mihimaru GT is eyeing the number one spot yet again! They move up into the top five this week and seem to be gaining some more momentum. With three singles already, I believe a new album can’t be far behind seeing as how I have thoroughly abuse their greatest hits folder on my iPod. And now….we are down to three!
3. Lupe Fiasco feat Kanye West, Pharrell & Thom Yorke – Us Placers (Last Week #2, Four Weeks at #1)
After a long month-long run at number one, CRS falls one more spot to number three. Kanye and Lupe BOTH have new video and I am really excited about Lupe’s new video because it looks to be like Talib Kweli’s “The Blast” while Kanye is releasing “Homecoming” in a few days actually. Hip hop is BACK!
2. RBD - Inalcanzable (Last Week #4)
YES! Dulce, Anahi and Maite are one step away from Countdown immortality! The leapfrog CRS to take over the runner up spot, their highest position ever. This is only their second time on the Countdown at all and even with a year between videos they still have the staying power to be one step from the top. But the champ remains the same…
1. Bennie K – Monochrome (Last Week #1, Two Weeks at #1)
Bennie K holds on for another week! I am totally looking forward to more Bennie K but until then this video and song reign supreme. Oh…and I really want me some Cico. Just all sexy like and whatnot. Yuki, you aint bad yo damn’self. Your combined hotness locks the top spot down for a second week. Congrats!
That is all for this week, peeps! Tune in next week to see if Bennie K can make it three weeks at number one! Or can RBD heat up the top spot and take it for the first time? Or will CRS pull a UGK/UVERworld and reclaim the throne? See you next Friday!
Chachi Out!
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