Strap On Your Helmet, IT'S GAME TIME!

What is up, people! It is Sunday and sadly since all the movies (except ‘Surfs Up’ which I heard was pretty good) sucked it dry this weekend there will sadly be no Master Chief Captain Chachi Goes Hollywood this week. However, next week I will be in the theater to see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. I really….don’t know why, but I will be there. I for some reason am interested to see whole quasi-Super-Skrull plotline is going to work. Rather than just USING the damn Super-Skrull. But hey, to each their own.

Now that I have calmed down about the job situation (things worked out and it is what it is for everything else) it is time to do something that I have wanted to do for a long time. I have been receiving a lot of questions and several things have come up that I am SO going to comment on as I bring to you the FIRST OF…like…two, maybe three…

PASSION OF CHACHI OMNIBUS!

Ahh, ‘Ask A Ninja’. Is there anything you can’t do? Of course not, he is a fucking NIN-JA! Can I get a blang-blang?! So let’s get this party started right!

Why do you hate bros so much?

Because they suck. Seriously, in real time and each other. They ruined Axe Body Spray, polo shirts and visors for the rest of us. By the way, what in the fuck is the point of wearing a visor upside down, anyway? Black people did it for like a week after Serena and Venus Williams took off and then bros just took it and ran with that bitch. Oh, and ‘shaaaa!’ isn’t a FUCKING WORD YOU ASSHOLES! God, I despise them. Oh, and Halo doesn’t kick that much ass. Curb the hard-ons, save them for the all night Jack Johnson listening/ass rape sessions.

What is with the Yuna Ito obsession?

She is fucking hot, that’s why. I mean these women are devaluing themselves at an alarming rate much like those dumb females that are supporting Paris Hilton right now. She broke the law, she was given a sentence and she needs to deal with it. The end. That bitch couldn’t give two shits about your copy-cat ass, anyway. Anyway, back to Miss Ito. She can:

• Sing (Which 90% of her American competition can’t do. Looking at Christina, Jennifer Hudson…um…Kelly Clarkson and….um…that’s about it. Wow, the state of female pop is worse than R&B as a fucking whole)
• Dance (Which 95% of her American competition can’t do…without looking like strippers anyway. Rhianna, I am looking at your funny nosed, steroid using ass)
• Speak three languages (Japanese, Korean and English. Oh and Hawaiian but I don’t consider that a laungage. Guess what...YOU ARE FUCKING AMERICANS! DEAL WITH IT! Just kidding, I respect your culture and blah-blah-blah yakkity smackity)
• Look HAWT in an evening gown (Okay, I will give a little higher nod to Mandy Moore. Because….I love her and she WILL LOVE ME. Wow, Jen is right. I am kind of creepy)
• Look HAWTER in regular clothes (Watch the ‘Losin’ video. Just watch it and keep your hands on the keyboard)

To top it all off, she is Asian. And as you know, it goes Asian, Latina, every other race and then right under the green bitches that Captain Kirk wrecked is Black woman. It’s just better for both of us that way. Which brings me to my next question I have been asked a few times.

Do You REALLY Hate Black Women?

The quick answer is ‘no’. I have nothing against Black women at all, they’s cool. The long answer is that my experiences have been less than stellar with Black women (and…well, women in general for that matter) both casually and relationship wise. Yes, I make jokes about how much I don’t like them and there is truth in that humor. They really DON’T like me because I am not ‘real’ or a ‘thug’ and that is fine. A total personal preference. At the same time, they bitch and comlain about not wanting a ‘strong, Black woman’ because the majority of my friends are white (about 4 of the 9) and most importantly I am never seen with a Black woman. Well, I was in college (she was cool, too) but SHE was dating a WHITE MAN! How is THAT for in your face?! See, life can be Shakespeare. The simple fact is that I don’t ‘hate’ Black women because I am not around them enough to say so. I am not a fan of my past (and few current) interactions with Black women and from that is where my humor and comments come from. That and I have been called ‘uppity’ by more than three Black women (people still USE THAT WORD?) and I still hold a grudge. Eh, thems the breaks. Keep your hands inside the Chachi-mobile at all times because we are rolling on!

What Do You Feel About The War?

It’s still going on?! Wow…Paris Hilton really IS dominating the news. I guess when it all breaks down….I’m for the war and against the troops. That way, everyone is pissed off! Did you pack your lunch? Because we are going to SCHOOL, BITCHES!

What Is Your Stance On Abortion?

Hell, it’s easier than toddler murder. FREE HAT! FREE HAT! Too far? I have not yet begun to offend! Just kidding, I really don’t care. I can’t pop out babies, not do I want to. All I can say is that I chose life for Kandice and my children and it was the WORST FUCKING MISTAKE I EVER MADE! They ruined my figure, she left me for someone else and those fuckers have been a thorn in my side ever since! Killing kids and it not being considered 1st degree murder? Fan-fricking-tastic! Again, kidding. Don’t believe those Focus on the Family commercials about abortion being murder because the fetus is living. People don’t have souls until they are 12 years old. It’s fucking science. Until then, they are fair game. You know, I believe that abortion is a low-grade version of manifest destiny. Ye without a flag and cannot speak the language of those in power have no choice in what happens. Apply that to abortion…I’m just saying it makes perfect sense, okay?! Geez, let’s keep this party MOVIN, MOVIN!

Is Your Luck With Women Really That Bad?

Rick? Zach? Kandice? Griff? Anyone want to speak up about this? The answer is yes and no. Yes because I am born to undo myself. Hell, I am in the SAME situation now that I was in a year ago at this time. Which means my life sucks ‘teh balls’ but at the same time…I have to say no. I mean I am TOTALLY oblivious to my surroundings despite my genius. Odds are that I am missing on women hitting on me because there is no way in FUCK I could be this unpopular. I mean, people like me? Kind of. It’s not like high school where I was just kind there. I mean I’m rather social (no matter what women have said about me being anti-social) and personable. I don’t call women ‘bitch’ or ‘whore’ unless they are. I shower everyday and try to dress like I don’t pattern myself after a Young Jeezy video. I have a rather extensive vocabulary and since I do get more that 4 readers to my blog a day I would have to say I’m rather funny. So why in the hell do the a-holes get the chicks?! Eh, I don’t know but I have my theories. Doesn’t matter, none of this matters. However, at the end of the day I haven’t been hit with mace in a few months and I have only had two…three girls cry on me in the last 9 months so I am doing pretty damn sweet on the lady side! Aim low, never disappointed. Commercial break!

Poison and Crossfire? Fuck yeah! Now for a question that has been asked A LOT over the last six months that I addressed earlier but niggas don’t read…

Chachi, Are You ‘Teh Gay’?

No. Flat out, no. What I enjoy may be in line with what people associate with behavior and the lifestyle of the gay community (grooming, theater, complete sentences, etc.) but a major component of what makes you ‘gay’ is gay sex. Not sure about you, but that doesn’t appeal to me no matter HOW hawt Bi is, and he is Pompeii if you get my drift. Hell, straight sex is a conundrum to me and I have the manuals! I like what I like and I talk about what I talk about. Seeing as how I have been asked no less than twelve times (that I remember so it was probably more, but as people can attest to I was a total lush last year so 2006 was a fucking mish mash montage set to ‘Bad Day’ by Daniel Powter’) whether I am gay or not in a public, social or professional atmosphere I am beginning to see that what I do and how I act aren’t perceived as ‘normal’ for a man, especially at my age and single. You know what? I don’t care. Never really have but it gets annoying to have to hear the question every other day. I mean I joke about it all the time but it has gotten to the point that I am so far from the male norm that if I were bust out of the closet like Kool-Aid no one would bat an eye. To which I say ‘suck it dry’ because Wicked was FUCKING AWESOME, I like Garnier Fructis (does wonders for your ends!), Matthew McConaughey is FUCKING HAWT and SoulDecision is one of the best pop bands of our time!

Singing SoulDecision with another man on the way to get Chinese is not gay. Quit hating.

Well, that is all for the Passion of Chachi Omnibus! I will do some here and there, depending on the questions that come my way. The majority of these were addressed last year on my Blogger site but I redid them for the peeps that just got into this thing…all five of you. Welcome to the site! Come for the offensive humor, stay for the punch and pie! I will try to be up before Friday’s Countdown but until then stay up, peeps.

Chachi Out