Fresh! For 2007...You, SUCKAZ!

Hear ye, hear ye! I’m back, fishes! You know, I stopped saying that after college (I called women that pissed me off ‘fishes’ in place of ‘bitches’ in the AWARE Group and I ran with it for a bit until the takeoff of ‘teh gay’) and I’m bringing it back like Sugar Smacks. Oh, snap (bringing that back, too) its time for something new! I give to you a new installment on The Passion of Chachi! Here are the funky fresh new phrases for the summer of 2007! So I give to you…

Chachi’s Summer Slang Spectacular!

Yeah, you know you need it. So these are either words I have been saying for a few months, testing out or getting ready to unleash on the masses. Get ready to be linguistically inclined! First off, I am bringing back…

Instead of (sigh...) ‘Whore’: Skeezer

Now I only use whore to describe (whorish behavior, whorish dress, a really whorish cookie) unless I really mean it or are referencing those in Douchebrawl or I truly mean it (or it is preceded by the word ‘attention’ or ‘crack’). However…I don’t like the word. It is mean and rather excessive. Sometimes the word needs to be used and that is why I am going with a classic. I remember in 10th grade when Griff yelled out ‘SHE’S A SKEEZER, DON’T BELIEVE HER!’ for a reason I am not sure of but man that resonates to this day. Not only that, as my respect for women rises (albeit SLOWLY) I am toning down my verbiage toward them. Unlike Black people, who are a Nelly album away from being called ‘darkies’. Next is a word that I have been using for a few days in a test run and it is kind of going over, especially with the whole Pirates of the Caribbean kick…

Instead of Wreck or Smack That (ugh…): Plunder

First off, let me say I WOULD PLUNDER THE BOOTY OF FOXXI MISQ! My god…hell yeah. Now I know plunder has negative connotations because it is ‘by force’ but the simple fact is…very few people know what the word means anyway. Face it, people don’t have extensive vocabularies. Besides, it is actually a lot more inventive than anything I have heard people say over the last few years (Get low? Stick that thing out? I wanna wine you?) AND it is rather tame (and sadly more respectful) compared to the nastiness I have heard recently. R. Kelly, I am looking at your nasty ass.

Instead of Drunk or FUCKED UP: Downey

Okay, I have been debating this one for a while. Mainly because Robert Downey Jr (I love his work!) is drunk by 10 am at a MINIUMUM. I’m kidding, I love the guy. The fact is that getting Downey, for those that know anything about anything, is funny and gets right to the point. Getting downy means that you are ready to party to the point that you end up in the Valley in a little girls’ bed wearing someone else’s clothes. Yeah, I’ve been there. Here is one I actually thought up yesterday…

Instead of Jailbait: F2T

Why? Your ass will get ‘Five to Ten’. Think about it, that shit is funny as hell. This next one is just one I am thinking about, not official…

Instead of Dream Girl or Unicorn (What in the fuck, Kandice?): A Ritchie

What? I will tell you. You ever seen a woman so perfect, that is a combination of everything you find ideal, that whenever you see her or she talks to you all you hear is ‘Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?’

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now THAT is funny as hell. Seriously, now I HAVE to run with that. It would be a waste not to! Now this one is courtesy of Zach which I try to bring back now and then but just never takes off. Because people suck ass…

Instead of Bling or Shining: Mr. Sparkle

See, originally I thought about doing it in a stereotypical derogatory Asian voice (Oh, you necklace is Mee-ster Spar-kullllll-oooooo!) but that well past cat raping on the fucked up scale. In all seriousness, that was one of the best ideas I’ve ever heard. Sadly, most people don’t watch The Simpsons and most importantly people don’t know funny! Yet people will bring back ‘fly’ every three weeks. See, this is why no advances have been made since Shrinky Dinks. People are afraid to embrace the new. This is one that I have used since high school because Griff is an asshole.

Instead of Every Innuendo for the Female Anatomy: Yak

This started because of my attraction to an Asian girl in high school that he referred to as ‘Yakitori’. He would always say ‘You want some of that yak, don’t you?’ Since then, it has become the standard word that we use to describe the…lower regions of a woman. Now I got some shit over that word in college because it was offensive, so I wrote a short paper about how many other more offensive words were being used and this is the least offensive of the lot. I wish I could find that paper, much like my paper on how America needs racism (It was ORIGINALLY called Racism: It’s Good and Good For You. Yeah, I don’t know how I graduated from college either) it was offensive goodness. Anyway, before you sit back and say “its just as offensive!’ take a look at these:

Beaver (Don’t beavers have teeth and build dams? Where does that comparison come in?!)
Cooter (From Dukes of Hazzard? Wow, that’s a reach)
Snatch (Wow, I just thought this was a frat boy movie)
Honey Pot (Uh, what?! What is this, Pooh Bear?!)
Pussy (A classic, yet vulgar and stupid)
Cunt (I have used this word….twice maybe? Ever? Who outside of the United Kingdom does?)
Snooch (Oh, that IS what that meant. How many times have I seen the View Askew series?)
Twat (Same as cunt. Never used it but man…just sounds like a variation of the gout)
The Y (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m sorry, that is very humorous to me)
Snapper (I LOVE tempura snapper, but now I can’t say it without a frat boy laughing)
Bearded Clam (Uhhhhh…ew?)
Muff (Heh, I have actually only heard lesbians use this word. Special)
Pink Taco (Now that’s just NASTY)
Meat Curtains (Oh, wow. That is just W.R.O.N.G.)
Gootch (I never knew that! I learned something today!)
Punani (Um…yeah that’s just stupid)
Minge (Until that South Park episode and Patrick, I had actually never heard of this one)
Poon Tang (Okay, I laugh at this one. Never let poon tang come between you and your friends!)
Fur Burger (Yeah, that is about enough of that. What in the hell is wrong with people?!)

Okay, the point of this is that there are a lot worse words out there to describe the va-jing-ah so back off the yak. Besides, it is barely used because only Griff and I use it, and I sure am not getting it. Heh, thems the breaks.

Well, that is all for the Chachi Summer Slang Spectacular! I may have a few more up over the next two months so stay tuned! Feel free to send your own Summer Slanguistics to the Passion of Chachi! I may be back tomorrow (I have a rant building up) but if not, I will definitely be back on Friday for the Countdown! Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out