Man, My Life Gets Weirder By The Day.

What is up peeps! It is another gloriously shitty Monday in the CSP! I left a job in Denver for THIS?! At least I can wake up 45 minutes late and make it to work with one minute left to spare. Now THAT is good stuff.

So I first off want to thank everyone (all eight or nine of you) for voting in Douchebrawl. Aside from Beth and Zach, I don’t think anyone approves of the finalists (seeing as how democracy took the Bono/Paris Hilton final I was hoping for and shot it down like so many of my goddamn dreams) but that is what you get for not voting. Take note, because next year it is the battle of the All-Stars as Tom Cruise, Heather Graham and 50 Cent all return! Yeah, I am bringing out the big guns in 2008.

So I have a little rant in me. It is less of a rant, more of a complaint. I went cologne shopping on Saturday and first off why does all men’s cologne reek of ‘man-whore?’ I mean due to my indecisiveness I had to buy two (Giorgo something and Yves Saint Laurent which makes me smell like I am looking for the kind of love I don’t want), and that makes me double the skank. I am now what I despise. Anyway, one thing I have noticed recently is that I have been complimented on my dress by women. A lot. Now it is always nice to receive a compliment, especially when you are use to being laughed at and rejected. However, the line after the ‘Wow, you look nice/smell nice/don’t make me want to call security’ is followed by ‘What’s the occasion? Date tonight?’

This pisses me off because they know DAMN WELL no woman wants to date me. NONE. Rightfully so, I’m kind of a spaz and TOTALLY a jerk. Even with my…like two good qualities I know damn well that the odds of me getting a date between 1 and 10 is about Omaha, Nebraska. The simple fact is I don’t dress nice to impress the ladies because I have seen the dudes they are with so they must not care. I mean have you SEEN the fucktards with girlfriends these days? Half of them look like frat house rejects fresh off ‘bro-ing out with the bros’ while the others look swarthier than a Turkish boat tycoon dipped in Crisco and yet THEY get the honies. High school really never ends. So it is obvious the dress has very little to do with it or I am missing something (which I am most likely but I like my explanation better so NYAH).

The simple reason I dress nice (or as nice as I can on the budget I have) is for me. I can’t dress nice to look good? I mean lets face it; all this Come-And-Get-It is going to WASTE and I can’t let that slide. I mean, the best part about mancake is the frosting anyway. Am I right? Yeah, you know it. Every once in a while a man likes to get all gussied up and strut like Saturday Night Fever. Pop yo collar and get your walk on, so to speak. Only difference is that when I strut, Bi’s ‘I’m Coming’ is playing and I don’t do the pelvic thrusts because there are children around and they are the future. They don’t need to see that. So ladies, the next time you see me and I am looking all good it aint for you. Oh no, it is for ME because I likes to look FAB-YOU-LOUS!

Now, to what could be the greatest movie about dancing since Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo. Here is ‘Kickin It Old Skool’:


Oh, I am so there. And did you see The Hoff and Kitt?! OH HELLS YES! Funky fresh dance moves aplenty! Well, that is all for now. Oh, one more thing. When Nick and I went to the Park Meadows Mall on Saturday, we saw something disturbing. Since when were females under the age of 18 allowed to go to Victoria’s Secret? I am sure I’m the only one that finds a problem with this (like I’m the only one that finds issue with 12 year old boys with Grillz and white tees) but this is fucking stupid. I mean this is part of the Dumbening of America right here. Girls have no need to be in Victoria’s Secret just like young men have no need to shop at Abercrombie and Fitch. Who are these girls trying to impress? I will tell you: dirty old men. And good luck with that shit. No good can come out of this trend. My daughter is going to be a fucking Spartan warrior. No way is she dressing like the eleven and twelve year olds at the mall. I mean I am not saying to dress like the Jane Austen times but for Jebus sake wear something that doesn’t sat ‘Hot Slut’ on it (and I have seen that, it is why I’m upset).

Oh and young boys are even WORSE. I was out at the Chapel Hills Mall yesterday on my comic run and to torment the dogs in the pet store by making it look like I am going to take them home when there was (once again) a scantily dress young child and there was a pack of 4 boys coming out of the theater. She was walking near me (not too close, but close enough to be in earshot if I spoke under my breath) and she said I smelled nice (to which I said thanks and wanted to run the hell away because jailbait is sadly the new thirty) and sped up to be side by side when the pack came to the area she was out and began ‘hitting on’ her in the most vulgar way possible. It made ‘Get Low’ seem like Cyrano as one actually said ‘Damn, your ass is working those jeans girl!’ No shit, I actually was going to just leave when I looked and she obviously looked uncomfortable as they literally kept on about how she was dressed for about 30 seconds or so as I was going to head to the comic book store. It was at that point I decided that turn stop and turn around. I walked toward them a few steps and told them ‘Hey, show some respect.’ At that point they looked at me like I was a police officer and said the most damning thing ever. ‘I didn’t know she was your girl, man.’

WTF?! I had to correct them quick and tell them she WASN’T my girlfriend but that they were being dicks and act like they had some sense. At that point it was like ‘Whateva, nigga’ and they left (keep in mind, these were four white kids that were dressed like bros, hence my total anger). What sucked EVEN MORE is that the girl followed me from the pet store to the Borders to Pacific Blue to the damn Food Court BACK TO BORDERS. More than likely it was for protection but I felt totally uncomfortable about that.

The reason I rant about this mostly is that it is a Catch 22. Women can’t dress ANYWAY for the most part because for the most part, men are perverts. On one hand I felt bad for her because she was just there to buy shoes while her mother was looking at other stuff (I feel totally creepy for having knowing her damn life story) and according to her she was harassed the WHOLE TIME. She didn’t do anything to attract it aside from dressing provocatively (which she was) but I wouldn’t put it into the realm of some of the stuff I have seen at the club. On the other hand, why in the hell would she dress like that at 15 any-damn-way? Just because you have it doesn’t mean you should flaunt it, at any age. Yet, just because she flaunts it is no excuse for a man to objectify it. You see? It is like a sexist game of Pong. There is no real right or wrong. That is what makes the problem of the sexes to difficult to rectify. So you know what? It is officially the South Park Theory about the N-Word: I don’t get it.

I will NEVER understand what it is like for a woman to be objectified solely for her body. However, a woman will NEVER understand the position of being a man in which no matter which route you choose, you could be wrong. Some women wear tight clothes to BE objectified (don’t even say that shit aint true, ladies) while some wear tight clothes for empowerment (HAHAHAHAHAHA….bullshit) or just because they want to. If you are wrong about her decision then may god help you. There is no victory, only the understanding that we will never understand. Rather than trying to understand each other as a whole, focus on understanding each person as an individual. Makes prejudice a lot harder. And that is one to grow on.

Well, that is all for now. I will try to be back up before the Countdown on Friday but I may not be because THE GRIZZLE IS COMING BACK ON WEDNSESDAY!! I hope you take pictures of the CSP now, because this motha is gonna be turned UPSIDE DOWN when we get done with it! We came to throwdown! Until the next time, stay up peeps!

Chachi Out.