Okay, over the last couple of weeks (years actually, if I include my college years) I have been asked what is my political affiliation. Well, sadly I am registered as a Democrat because I changed in 2004 for some ungodly reason (Mainly ease). Initially in 1998 I registered as an Independent because I could not be a Democrat because I am about Republican on some issues:
• Against gun control SOLELY for the fact it is in the Constitution. However, that doesn’t mean that they haven’t raped it for all its worth. Patriot Act? The fact the South is allowed to have a say in ANYTHING? Didnt they try to break up the Union at some point? Personally I don’t believe anyone NEEDS THE RIGHT to own a fucking gun but no one really NEEDS THE RIGHT to vote. Yet women and darkies have it. So I needs my gun to keep them from the polls. Once again, I fucking kid you!
• I am all for the death penalty solely because it is like a really, REALLY late abortion. And if anyone deserves to die, it’s criminals and babies. I KID! I so fucking kid.
• I am against raising the minimum wage. If you are going to work at a shitty place because you didn’t get a degree, you deserve shitty pay. Now if you are working at a place making minimum wage and you HAVE a degree I believe your right to bear arms comes into play and you should shoot that place up.
• I don’t care about Global Warming. Let me explain something to you: when you have too much heat in a pot, there has to be a place for the heat to escape. The hole in the ozone layer has been this size before (if you believe science which I do) and it is to regulate the heat. Besides, hugging trees is for hippies and hippies deserve to be beaten to death with their iPods and ran the fuck down with their hybrid cars. Smug cock suckers
However on some issues, I GUESS you could consider me a Democrat:
• I am all about abortion. I aint having sex (or women aint having sex with me, depends on how you spin it) so I have no need to worry about having a baby taken out of me. The fact is that I really don’t care what a woman does with her fucking body. Your business, your life. I don’t give a shit when life begins so stop with that murder bullshit. One person’s murder is another person’s mercy killing or “collateral damage” so fuck off, shitbrick.
• I am SO ABOUT AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. Anything that pisses off the White man is okay by me. Which is an odd stance due to my love of the White man and his ever knowing wisdom and kindness but sometimes, you want to see him taken down a peg. Also, you cant tell me there isn’t ONE BLACK PERSON that cant fill a job better than a White person. Have you seen the NBA lately? Or even the NFL minus the QB position because we all know a Black man’s big lips and small brain cant call the cadence. It would sound like Mushmouth from Fat Albert. Bluba-twentytuba! Okay….that was fucked up.
• I am all about gay rights. You want to get married? Knock yourself out! Anything to piss off the Jesus loving asshats of the US and A is fine by me! You want to be able to be yourself in public? Go for it! Anything to fuck up the youth of America! Like they haven’t seen worse on MTV or the damn internet. Besides, gays have all the cool stuff! If we had a gay president the USA would be FAB-YOU-LOUS! I kid, let people be them. Except Catholics. Fuck them bastards.
• I am AGAINST PRAYER IN SCHOOL. I have said it once, I will say it again: FUCK JESUS AND HIS PARTY POSSE. He died for being a mouthy Jew, get over it. I don’t want my kids praying to a pussy. Now Denver the Last Dinosaur? That is a religious figure I can get behind:
Just as fake as Jesus and twice as rockin! He’s my friend and a whole lot more! Jesus just has holes in his hands, which makes playing the guitar damn near impossible.
• I am totally against POINTLESS (read that word, asshat-patriots) military spending. On the wrong shit, I mean. I am against buying stupid weapons to fight the war on terror and giving weapons to kids that can’t even fucking beat Halo. Yes, I hear your “robble robble” about protecting my freedom and whatnot but if they are poorly trained and even more poorly equipped to handle the new threat, how is tossing money at the problem going to fucking help? Exactly. The solution is SMARTER SPENDING. On what, you say? I am so glad you asked. MegaZords:
If we had these, we would need five troops (one chick, one black and one quirky) and all battles would be solved in 30 minutes or less. Unless it is a two parter and then they get new equipment! It is a win-win!
Where the problem lies is what I am indifferent on:
• Fuck Taxes. I pay…er…THEY TAKE the money anyway before I see the shit so why do I care? Not a real argument but when I think about it my taxes were about the damn same no matter whether it was Clinton or Bush in office. So I am rather indifferent about paying taxes so that aint really a big selling point
• Fuck Big Business. Forget what Democrats and Republicans say about each other party being in the pockets of big business. ALL CANDIDATES ARE IN THE POCKETS OF BIG BUSINESS NO MATTER WHAT SHITTY POLITICAL AFFLIATION! Think about who runs for office:
o Children/Siblings of politicians or as I call them “Legacy Votes” without the hazing
o Lawyers. Need I say more?!
o Multimillionaires. Because they can afford that shit. When was the last time you saw a poor person run for office? Aside Jesse Ventura because Vince never paid him as much as Hogan or Andre
• I don’t care about the war. And never will. War is hell and shit happens. If that is your deciding factor for voting how you are a fuckwit. Yes I have friends over there and yes the war is pointless and has gone on way too long like a SNL skit. At the end of the day, 90% of them knew this could happen and the other 10% are kind of screwed because it is too late to go to Canada now.
• I Could Care Less If Your Child Is Left Behind. I don’t blame the government and I don’t blame parents anymore (although it is logically your fault) for kids being stupid. I blame PBS. I learned more from the Electric Company and Sesame Street than I ever did in high school:
It’s survival of the fittest. I’m fat as hell and I know that if a bear gets let loose in a store either I have to overpower it or toss a small Mexican child in the way to aid my escape. Bears love Mexican children. Remember Baloo? Wait, Mowgli was Indian I think. Eh, either way I am indifferent about education.
• DRUGS RULE. Listen, normally I am against drugs but some of my happiest days were at Denver Tech. Sadly, I only know of those days in “Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas” type flashbacks and “Dude, remember when you tried to elbow drop that horse of the top of the house! TITS!” The fact is that if people want to do drugs, the easiest thing to do is control the substance. Make some cash fetti off that shit! Imagine being able to go to the pharmacy and either get diet pills or crack? Nasal spray or coke? That would be awesome and should be our right as AMERICANS! Okay, in all seriousness we all know if the government could find a way to regulate and tax narcotics without looking like Nino Brown they would do that shit. I shudder to think about Obama ending up like Wesley Snipes trying to legalize the drug game. Sit yo’ five dollar ass down before I make change! Now THAT’S a President.
And lastly
• I Could Give Two Fucking Shits About Your Family Or Your Values. I don’t need to have religion in my government and guiding its decisions. I was having a political conversation with someone a few years ago and I stated that having a God-fearing President doesn’t make him good, it makes him a pussy (not in those words but that is what I meant). She had the nerve to say to me that she believes that all Presidents should believe in God because it makes the better leaders. First off it took everything in me not to slap the shit out of her and leave her in a ditch. However, it got me to thinking: THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS THINK THAT WAY! Or are too much of cockgobblers to disagree with the religious right. I personally do not care. Christianity (because that’s where 40% of the stupidity lies with 55% being in Islam and the final five being those fucktard Presbyterians. Assholes) should NOT be in schools, government or anywhere else but a church. And by church I mean Church’s Chicken. It’s tasty eating from what I heard.
The fact is that this country needs to realize that there is no right or wrong party, just right and wrong candidates. The wrong candidates:
• Mitt Romney (He wants to fuck your daughter. Hard. No matter how old. And that aint cool)
• Hillary Clinton (She is about as sincere as…well, Mitt Romney at an 8th grade Sadie Hawkins Dance)
• Mike Huckabee (Yeah….he’s fucking retarded. I can take a darkie and I can take a batch of lady parts but a blithering idiot? Oh wait….well I can’t take ANOTHER blithering idiot. Could you imagine him with nuclear weapons? “DAAAAAAAH I CAN BLOW UP BOLIVIA! YAAAAY!!” Not I said the cat)
Which leaves two people that have a chance to literally change not only how the WORLD views our country but how we view ourselves as well. Neither one is dry humping the bible but neither is a corpse raping pagan worshiper (see: Mitt Romney and Hillary Clinton. Mostly Mitt, I figure he doesn’t care whether she has a pulse or not as long as she has grass on the field. We all know Hillary eats babies. That’s why Chelsea never calls or talks about “their other daughter”). It leaves (IMHO) Barack Obama and John McCain. No, I haven’t made my decision completely so stop asking. I always save that for debates unless except Bush vs. Kerry because that was like watching a drunk panda try to mate with a fucking ruffied-up ferret. No one knew why they were trying and in the end you were just dumber and disgusted watching it happen.
Oh yeah, my original point! Well, after meeting Rick and finding we had almost the same political beliefs (We differ in the ways Bono should be killed. The arguments get heated) I thought Libertarian was a fit except that would mean that everyone should be happy as long as it doesn’t hurt or infringe on my well being. I personally don’t want that. I want everyone else unhappy but me because everyone else sucks ass. Then I decided what I should be. My own party. The ultimate party. The BALLINEST PARTY!
The Diddy Party.
Because aint no party like a Diddy party! It don’t stop! Seriously, people are still upstairs from his 1997 Super Bowl party chillin. The Diddy party is about straight ballin till you fall. It’s about shakin off them haters like the Harlem Shake during a cold snap!
Hell yeah, I’m bringing it back! We gonna do that at the Inauguration, bitches! So join the party that is about not just change, but makin that change! Dolla, dolla bill ya’ll! Get that cream, fool! Let’s make the United States of America the ballinest country in the world. Nah son. The UNIVERSE. Dare I say….the Diddy-verse. Uh huh, yeah. I am out for now. This was a long ass post so I wont be back up until the middle of the week unless something pisses me off even more than my flat tire this morning. Until then, stay up peeps. And keep ballin!
Diddy Out. Vote, it’s Diddy-tastic!
