They Kick Really High...

I’M BACK, BITCHES! All up in this piece! Random hip-hop sounding catchphrases! Yeah, enough of that. So I am here for a mid-week update because…I miss you guys. I can’t leave the peeps hanging until Fridays. And the Chachi’s are this Sunday, just in time for the NFC /AFC Championship Games! If it doesn’t snow too bad on Saturday, I am going to go to Denver to watch the game at ESPNZone. Great time to meet The Chachi and shower him with adoration and gifts. Or to give me your therapy bills because I have said some jacked up shit on this blog. Either way, its nice to meet a fan/enemy/stalker.

So I have a new favorite site, Egotastic. A lot of you probably already know about this site but I just found out because…well…I was looking for Jessica Biel pictures. Yeah, she’s my new Jessica Alba. Don’t even have to change my crazy ranting phrases because they share the same name. Niiiice. Check it out, celebrity bashing news all over the place. AND they have a thing for Olivia Munn, which is always refreshing.

So it is time for the latest installment of…

MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD DOA Presents: Dead or Alive The Movie!!

Today, I review a movie that many of you may have forgotten (or blocked out, I did) came out. Or did it? Dead or Alive, a movie based on the buxom-beauty filled fighting series was supposed to come out in August of 2006 but I never rememeber seeing it in any theater. Here is the trailer:

Yeah. That’s it. So through the magic of the internet and my own nerdiness (I was looking for a DOA save for my X-Box mod chip. It has a Lei Fang costume that looks like Wonder Woman…never mind) I found this movie last week. After a few days I was able to watch it and all I can say is….

WOW.

It was bad. I mean REEEEEAAAAL bad. Don’t get me wrong, Jamie Pressley has the whole ‘white trash hot’ thing going on like Reese Witherspoon (don’t even start, she is one PBR and another baby from being Britney Spears but I would WRECK THAT strong jawed woman) and Holly Valance was surprisingly hot as Christie. However, they cast Devon Aki as Kasumi which is WRONG because she isn’t bouncy enough. Or hot enough. Or a good actress. I mean I wasn’t expecting Pootie Tang levels of acting here but come the fuck on. At least TRY to make it sound believable. The sad part is the acting killed a pretty good martial arts movie. The fight scenes were either average (the final 4 on 1 fight scene), passable (Tina vs. Zack, who had his beard and hair DYED GREEN VERY POORLY. Great job with that, fucky) or downright HAWT (Helena vs.Christie. In bikinis. In a downpour. Great success). Not only that, it had Kevin Nash it to boot! Can’t beat having Big Daddy Cool in a movie. We all saw how good he was in The Punisher! Seriously, I liked that movie!

Long story short, this movie would disappoint even the most diehard of video game fans, even those of the series. Horrible casting, shitty dialog, a plot that comes out of nowhere and poor use of charactrers (Hayate, Leon, Bayman, Jahn Lee and Gen Fu are wasted while Helena is on fucking rollerskates. ROLLERSKATES, what is this Boogie Nights?! Oh, and Lei Fang was sorely underused. She is the hottest of the bunch IMHO. Look at her ending:)

Yeah, that’s good stuff right there. Either way, I can only recommend this movie to you if you are either a gamer that wants a good laugh or someone that has to see any movie with hot women doing martial arts (sans Devon Aki, I just don’t see the attraction). Don’t expect to be blown away Oh, this is the only good part of the movie. BEACH VOLLEYBALL!!

The sad part is that DOA Beach Volleyball was actually a good volleyball game! And you could play it with one hand. Not like I know or anything….SHUT UP! Wow…DOA vs. Rumble Roses. That may be the greatest idea ever. The sad part is I actually THOUGHT OF THAT OUT LOUD! God, I need a woman. Nah, then I will just ask her to dress up like Advent Children Tifa or Rikku from FFX-2 and it would just make things awkward. Anyway, The Chachi gives Dead or Alive…

5 Stars out of 10!!!
(Worth a look for the camp and eye candy alone, but don’t expect anything more. Like a plot or a good video game movie. Stick to Silent Hill or Doom)

Well, I am about to be out. I will be back on Friday for the Chachi Top 20 Countdown and don’t forget to vote for the Chachi’s this Sunday! The peeps votes count just as much as mine!

Live, Laugh, Learn and Love.

Oh, and Britney is reportedly about to pop out a third hellspawn. Good lord, is her vagina the gateway to hell?