Bohemians, Britons and Africans. The Chachi Goes WORLDWIDE!!!

Happy Sunday, peeps! Aw, ish, Duece K is back again! Some old Rappin 4-Tay for you. Well, it has been a while since I had been on the scene and I had a pretty eventful weekend for the first time since…well last weekend.

As a few of you know, I went to see ‘La Boheme’ this Friday (after a kickass time at the Sushi Den, which I could never FIND) mainly because I haven’t been to the theater since college and really wanted to go. Since aside from Zach and Nolan no one wanted to ever GO with me and two dudes at the theater is tres gay, it was cool to get to go again. Even though I actually wore a suit, which I hate, I was ABSOLUTLY out dressed by my date so it didn’t really matter. My hot mancake cannot compare to sexy ladycake. Hey, I can be humble; I got ‘Sexy Served’.

First off, Sushi Den is ‘teh nosh’. Although next time I go I have to get some sake and hit up the karaoke (Which I think they have. Any sushi restaurant without a karaoke machine is faking the funk) and do a little Kubota Toshinobu’s “La La La Love Song’ or Ken Hirai’s “Pop Star” which is SOOO gay but I SOOO don’t give a fuck. Secondly….oh my god…the blackened cod! It is so hard to get good fish these days, but MY GOD! The blackened cod! Flaky and tasty if I say so myself. Everything rocked the box (Kobe beef in a roll? What will they think of next?!), and dry sake is good stuff. I prefer the warm sake (KANPAI, BITCHES!) but if I would have did that I would have been a hot mess at the opera. And embarrassing my lady guy date is not cool. Hell, how many times have I embarrassed Rick, twelve? And we weren’t even dating. Seriously, I mean. We were both just kind of whores and in it for the money of which there was none. Kind of screwed up our plans. Anyway, the Sushi Den is where it is at, and they valet park! Oh, and big ups to the kid that liked my aviator glasses. He knew style.

On to La Boheme. If you haven’t seen La Boheme, just go download ‘RENT’, replace AIDS with tuberculosis and turn down the suck. Because after seeing La Boheme, I have a total distain for RENT and Jonathan Larson. All RENT is La Boheme for teenagers with short ass attention spans. I never knew why Zach hated the music of RENT so much….and then I listened to it again (Wow…”Poo, poo it?” That is some deep shit. Double joke). I’m sorry, dude you were justified. Aside from ‘Seasons of Love’ the songs were really bad. In comparison, La Boheme, albeit in Italian (which I must say, it felt GOOD to not need the subtitles all the time. I actually understood like…nine words! I rule you!) was catchy and the fit the moments of each act. The performances (for college students) were VERY good. Having only seen the Met performances on PBS (which I need to attend because the Met La Boheme and Phantom of the Opera rock your fucking face) I was totally impressed. Their voices were grand and the sets were well done and detailed to tits. That means good, by the way. All in all, it was an AWESOME show.

Now, for the only bad of the evening. Since when did everything close in Denver at 10pm?! I mean COME THE FUCK ON! This whole state is under a god damn curfew! All we wanted was some cake and coffee but NOOOOO! Everything was closed. Bullshit. I also realized that I have been to a lot of places in Denver and I was totally lit off my shit because I don’t remember…ANY of it. Great opera and awesome food even though Denver has a curfew. Great times!
So I woke up on Saturday and did my usual thing: dry cleaners, comic book store and bug Nolan at work. Yes, I am lame. After that, Zach and I saw a little movie called “Hot Fuzz” from the makers of the bad ass “Shaun of the Dead”. So it is now time for….

MASTER CHIEF CAPTAIN CHACHI GOES HOLLYWOOD!!

This Week’s Movie: Hot Fuzz!

First off, the bad. After watching “Shaun of the Dead” again, my initial feeling of it being better went a LITTLE BIT to the wayside. The humor in ‘Shaun of the Dead’ was a little more blatant (I would say 75% of the audience missed half the jokes and references in Hot Fuzz) and actually a little funnier all around. For the funny factor ‘Shaun’ beats ‘Fuzz’.

Aside from that, ‘Hot Fuzz’ ruled! I never really was a fan of the ‘zombie genre’ aside from ‘Evil Dead’ so I preferred this movie in that aspect. Hell, the only Resident Evil I liked was Resident Evil 4 and I think we all know why:

…..AND THEN NOTHING HAPPENS! That will FOREVER be funny. The plot was a little bit of a reach, but then again so are zombies. The twist is cool and lets just say that if you liked Bad Boys II (which I kind of did) and Point Break (which is Keanu at his acting BEST) you will love this movie. Oh, if you love violence and death then this is the film for you! It had the same amount of decapitations as “300” which may be tied with Highlander for the most ever. Now, it is time for the rundown:

Snooty chief inspector rather than the bombastic Black chief with a heart of gold? CHECK (You know, I dig the Black chief with a heart of gold)
British obscenities? CHECK (I’m sorry, but twat, tosser, cunt, spanner and bloody rule!)
A gun toting priest? CHECK
Wanton shotgun and semi-automatic weapon use by the elderly? CHECK.
The murder of one of those annoying fucking human statues? CHECK (Man, I hate those things. Worse than fucking mimes and homeless combined)
Totally wrecking some woman’s shit with gardening shears? CHECK
Beatdown of a special person? CHECK
Blatant theviery of other action movie endings? CHECK
Jump kicking of an old woman in the face? CHECK
A swan saving the day? CHECK (I was shocked too. Swans are the new penguin!)

In the end, Hot Fuzz was over-the-top, rather violent, action packed and tongue-in-cheek. While not as good as the previous offering, this movie kicked ass in its own right. Not as funny as ATHFCMFFT or as action packed as 300 but it is definitely the third best movie so far, well ahead of Ghost Rider and TMNT. The Chachi gives “Hot Fuzz”….

8 out of 10 stars!!
(Lives up to expectations that it very easily could have exceeded with a little bit more action and well timed humor. Even still, well worth the matinee watch, especially if you dig off-the-chain action movies!)

Well, I have some errands to run to I am about to boogie out. However, I ask of you to do something for me, peeps. As you know, I dispise the Akon. I mean I really hate him. He can’t sing, his beats all suck and he looks like K-Ci from Jodeci mated with Grace Jones and then they had a herd trample his face Mufasa style from “The Lion King” (Not…gonna cry….) and then tossed his ugly ass on the unsuspecting world. His fame and popularity is why I don’t like women because it is proof that money, just like that gun in the Fantastic Four is the Ultimate Nullifier of ugly, lack of talent or the lack of any other redeeming personality trait whatsoever (I have seen interviews with him, he is a fucking moron). Now, as I was reading Media Takeout (A.K.A. ‘The Nigga News) I found an article about how Akon dry-raped the FUCK out of a female at a show in Trinidad last week. Then, there were subsequent articles about how ‘she aint no little girl’ and she dressed like…well I chick in an Akon video. Irony, they name is Chachi.

I am sick of this shit. We all know (at least Zach, Nolan and I know) that any female 14 years old is stupid. As a matter of fact, ANYONE WHO IS 14 YEARS OLD IS FUCKING STUPID! They have no frame of reference about much of anything and are prone to mistakes. That being said, she obviously shouldn’t have been there at fourteen and she obviously shouldn’t have been dressed like at 14, no matter what kind of heat she is packing. All that being said, Akon is a grown ass man. That shit shouldn’t be done at a concert ANY-FUCKING-WAY. Do you see John Legend or Musiq this crap? No, and they are both infinitely more talented than this worthless fuck. He is like an uglier, crappier more annoying R.Kelly sans pissing. Hey, we don’t know what happened afterward. He could have given her something that never happens in Africa: yellow rain. God, this bastard has me making PISS JOKES! I am fed the fuck up with the ‘sexification’ of music, R&B in general. You know, sex has been around since Motown but it was never this blatant or shitty. I mean, Marvin Gaye sang ‘Let’s get it on’ but he didn’t mean right then on stage. Show some class, Akon. Sexing up 14 years olds may be commonplace in your home, but we don’t look to kindly on that shit here. You need to hit at LEAST 25 million albums before that’s cool.

Oh, and to all the Black people out there. Do not defend him because she was stupid. When someone jumps into a lion cage to take a picture with a lion, as dumb as that fucktard is we should still save them. Why? Because life is life and unless they are harming someone else with their stupidity (which you could say that they are harming who would be saving them but that is their FUCKING JOB so it doesn’t matter) they should be saved and then beaten with sticks for being an idiot. It stops people from doing stupid things. Same here. Akon should be punished for…well just being fucking nasty with a youngster and the youngster should be slapped until she understands she shouldn’t have been there to start with. Simple fix for a simple problem caused by SIMPLE ASS PEOPLE. That’s why no one learns. We just yell ‘robble robble robble’ about ‘girls being whores’ or ‘men being uncontrollable’ and nothing gets accomplished because ‘ROBBLE ROBBLE ROBBLE’ ARENT WORDS! I have said it before that this problem can only be fixed when men take other men to task for being worthless assholes and making us all look like Neanderthals and women take other women to task for being whores and bring their credibility down to fuckdoll levels. However, I have a fix for this Akon fool.

S.A.B.T.A.M.

What does SABTAM stand for? It stands for the Send Akon Back To Africa Movement. You tired of his annoying ass music? You think he looks like a deformed Kraken? Send him back home with his many wives and his Lamborghini Gallardo or whatever. I think America will be just fine without having to hear ‘Smack That’ ever again. That’s just me. So people, join me in sending Akon back to Africa! Hopefully, this will lead to a KBIIM (Keep Bono In Ireland Movement) soon!

Well, that is all for now. I will be up this week before next Fridays Video Top 20 Countdown. Until then, stay up peeps.

Chachi Out!